Funny / Unbiased History

Rome

• The Roman Republic
  • At the first sack of Rome, when forced to put a scale weight's worth of gold to pay off Brennus:
    Dovahhatty: But when a senator pointed out that the gold balance was rigged, Brennus laughed, saying "Vae Victus", meaning "gibs me dat!"
• The 1st Triumvirate
  • Dovahhatty makes a point of pronouncing Gaius Julius Caesar correctly - exactly once, before immediately reverting. The man in question looks up indignantly as his name switches over to "GAYus Jhullius Sheezur."
• Julius Caesar
  • Caesar and his legions dabbing victoriously to the 1812 Overture finale after his campaign in Gaul.
  • Caesar pursues Pompey to Egypt.
    Caesar: COME BACK HERE AND LET ME PARDON YOU
• Augustus, the 1st Emperor:
  • After dealing with the conspirators who murdered Julius Caesar, Octavian, Mark Antony and Lepidus divvied up the lands under their domain:
  Dovahhatty: The Triumvirate victorious, the Republic's provinces were divided amongst the three men, with Gaul agreed to be left alone, [Octavian starts looking pensively as he's only left with the Italian peninsula, the nearby islands and Illyria] and- wait a fucking minute! [Octavian sneers westward] Who the fuck gave Hispania to Lepidus? [Lepidus' head gets moved down to Africa] Yeah, that's right!
• The Mad Emperors
  • The fact that all of Caligula's delusions are taken completely seriously. He's depicted as a God-Emperor whose nonsensical acts are simply too grand for his contemporaries to understand. Special note goes to his war with Neptune, pictured on this page.
• Constantine:
  • How the sectarian bickering within the early Christian church was summed up:
  Dovahhatty: And talking of Christianity, Constantine was facing the greatest threat to Christianity's success: Christcuckery!
• Imperial Wrath:
  • Valentinian's death was amusing to begin with, then there was how it got portrayed. Just as a G*rm was flaunting the terms of Valentinian's treaty, Low of Solipsism started playing as the G*rm's eyes constricted in fear. After unnerving his troops and killing all but two G*rms in the camp, Valentinian was in the process of strangling those survivors when it all ended in an anticlimactic pop, falling dead from a burst blood vessel in his brain.
• The Fall of Rome:
  • The Huns were portrayed every bit as fearsome as portrayed, and had the faceless appearance... until they met Pope Leo, where it turns out they are a race of Spurdo Spärdes that talk in this manner.
  • While Petronius' body parts are getting thrown into the Tiber River by two Plebs, Tiberinus is lying on the ground and gloats about how he doesn't care anymore due to this happening many times before.
  Tiberinus: Go ahead....I don't care anymore.

Byzantium

• The Eastern Empire
  • Justinian using his Male Vision to seek Theodora. The readings go as follows:
  WARNING: Stubborn Heretic^note referring to her Monophysitism
  WARNING: Can think for herself
  WARNING: Used Goods
  WARNING: VERY Used Goods
• Justinian the Great
  • Justinian heard the Nika Revolt as the "Nico Nico Nii~" Voice Clip Song. When he orders Belisarius into the Hippodrome to dispatch the rioters, the music still plays as he slaughters them to the beat.
  • Belisarius get several victory montages as he takes back North Africa and Italy. But the one for Italy has to take the cake, for it looks like an arcade game, with Belisarius getting 5th high score in Roman history for Barbarians killing (800000). The ones who surpassed him? Probus (Pro: 850000), Gallienus (Gal: 900000), Caesar (Cae: 1000000), and finally, Aurelian (Aur: No number, his score broke the machine). Also, two double bonuses: one for destroying two barbarian hordes, the other for taking back two provinces.
  • As much of a Tear Jerker as it is, there's something darkly hilarious about the abruptness of Theodora's death:
  Theodora: Doctor... tell me, what is this pain that aches my heart... my head... my soul?
  The doctor: it's a tumor. a big one
  cut to Theodora with Xs over her eyes
  • And, immediately thereafter, this blink-and-you'll-miss-it background exchange between Justinian and Belisarius:
  Justinian: May our deep friendship and unequivocal trust in each other never go into doubt in the future
  Belisarius: Don't worry, I'm sure Procopius was truthful^note  aside from what's written in Procopius's Secret History, there's also an untrue but oft-repeated legend that Belisarius was blinded and cast out of Justinian's court, then reduced to the status of a beggar. So to say that his and Justinian's friendship would be cast into doubt in the future would be an understatement, even though most of the myths about it are either exaggerated or not based in reality.
• Madness and Devils
  Dovahhatty: Meanwhile, (scare chord, hovering over Medina) in the forever irrelevant backwater of... Yemen
• The Great Byzantine-Sassanid War
  • Martina, Heraclius's Niece, being obsessively attached to her Uncle.
  • "Being Argentinian" being amongst the signs of pure evil in the Sassanid temple.
    • Along with Fiat Currency, Taxes, Reboots, and Pineapple Pizza.
  • While delivering an epilogue summarizing the sad tale of Heraclius's later years, and the Eastern Empires future defeats at the hand of a certain group, the scene fades in to reveal that Dovahhatty is recording through a banana microphone.

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