Funny / The Number 23

  • Walter, trying to catch "Ned", the dog, behind a Chinese restaurant:
    [To Ned, in a soothing voice.] Once upon a time there was a dog. Lived a life of terror, feared no one. Although his teeth were sharp, and his belly full, his heart was empty. He decided to go on a journey to a land far far away. But he came upon a wooden shack one day with a thin old man inside, and he invited him in. The dog was overjoyed, and that night warm smoke billowed from the chimney above. Oh, what odd smelling smoke this was. You see, the land was China, and in China they eat dogs! [Roughly cinches the catchpole.]
  • The scene where Walter is forced to undergo psychological counseling after being bitten by Ned on the job.
    Therapist: Tell me about this canine Ned. What would you do if you came across him again?
    Walter: If I was in my truck? I'd accelerate until I heard a thud.
    • Turns into Harsher in Hindsight later in the film when Walter does indeed attempt to do this on the same dog for plunging him into the madness that is 23 because said dog caused him to miss his appointment with Agatha. Thankfully, he is stopped by Agatha from doing so.
  • The interaction between Walter and the irate Chinese chef:
    Chef: [talks excitedly in Mandarin]
    Walter: Mmm-hmm, yeah, sure.
    Chef: [continues talking, gesturing wildly]
    Walter: Sounds delicious. Can I get it to go?
  • Walter on "Ned" the dog: "Nasty Evil Dog. That's what 'Ned' stand for. If I ever see him again, he's gonna be 'Ned' with two Ds. Nasty Evil Dead Dog." Again, turns into Harsher in Hindsight when Walter utters this again, just before he attempts to grind the dog under his truck.
  • The exchange between Walter the Sybil, the drunken dispatcher, at the Christmas party:
    Sybil: Oh, come on. Why don't you wag your tail at me in the bitches' room?
    Walter: Sybil. Sybil, I wouldn't wag my tail in the bathroom with you if you were the last bitch on earth.