- Two! Four! Six! Eight! Heard you like to fornicate!
- We're gonna spread that shit like Nutella.
Mom: You were on ADD medication as a kid.Carson: I thought I was just unusually calm and mature for my age.Mom: Nope. You were drugged. *beat* I hid it in your food.
- "What US President's term was compared to Camelot?" "Clinton?" "No, that was Came-A-Lot."