Funny / Life (2007)

• "What do you have up there, a Costco?!" (Said while a homeless man is up a tree throwing toasters and other detritus at Charlie.)
• From "Jackpot":
  Charlie: [While in a conversation, pulls an apple out of his pocket]'
  Dale: Does the apple help?
  Charlie: With what?
  Dale: [completely seriously] With the solving of crime!
  Reese: ...you know you're a suspect in all this, right?!
  Dale: Yeah, I just wanted to know if the apple helped! I'm new to all this... *Beat* I'm going, I'm going.
• From "Evil and His Brother Ziggy".
  Eval: [over his name's being pronounced as "Evil"] Why are cops obsessed with me? IT'S JUST A NAME!
  • In addition:
    Eval's maid: Come in, detectives. Eval is waiting for you.
• In "Evil and His Brother Ziggy" A detective from the local reservation asks Reese if Charlie has "ever got a head injury."
• There's:
  Suspect: I didn't steal nothing!
  Crews: Of course not. You can't steal nothing. Nothing doesn't exist.
• "Industrial glue. It's what holds us together."
• "Perhaps it's the 'Everything Must Go' signs."
• Crews and Reese are sharing a room in the hotel, and when Reese goes to take a shower, the phone rings. Crews answers and it's Tidwell who (believing he's talking to Reese), starts dirty talking. The expression on Crews' face is priceless. He slams the phone down, and it rings again. He nervously calls Reese in, she answers, figures out what happened, and goes beet red.
• Crews in front of a coke-dealing ice cream truck:
  Crews: ...but I'm going to count to three and then I plan on shooting [partner under counter]. 1..., 2..., [Fade Out, and BANG]
  [after commercial break]
  2nd Perp: [on gurney] You didn't say three! You didn't even get to three! You shot me on two! You didn't get to three...
  Reese: He's right, you know — you didn't get to three.
  Crews: I rounded up.
• The page quote.
  "Are you making fun of me?"
  "It's the universe that is making fun of us all."

  ...
  "Why would the universe make fun of us?"
  "I don't know. Maybe it's insecure."
• Reese and Crews talking in the first episode.
  Reese: That's Zen, isn't it?
  Charlie: Is it?
  Reese: It is, right?
  Charlie: Is it?
  Reese: Say 'is it?' one more time and I'll shoot you.
• The opening of the season 2 episode "The Business of Miracles". Dan Auerbach was killed because someone swapped his oxygen tank with pure liquid nitrogen... he was frozen solid. While Crews and Reese are looking at the scene and conversing with the guy who owns the lab. Crews leans forward and gently pokes the corpse with a pen... and the corpse shatters into a thousand tiny frozen pieces! Which Reese follows by asking, "Do you have to touch everything?"
  • "Forensics had to bag each piece individually. You might want to send them a bottle of something."
  • The scene where they meet Bomba, the chimpanzee rescued from the lab, and the people who run the local anti-animal testing branch, Betsy and Billy. Later, when they find out that Betsy is actually Auerbach's first assistant, who he'd been having an affair with, Reese arrests her and when Crews walks after them, a book flies out of nowhere and hits Crews on the head. Crews stops, looks over and says, "Ow!". Bomba sneers at him and screeches.
• Seever notes that Crews reads really slowly then later Crews notes that Seever reads too fast.
• "Black Friday" comes to mind — Charlie pegs a running suspect (dressed as a Christmas elf) in the back with a fruitcake. Right in front of some confused carolers. Who become horrified when he approaches with his gun drawn. Then the suspect is finally tackled and handcuffed... by Santa Claus (Bobby in disguise).
  Crews: [explaining to carolers] Bad elf.
• The scene on the Quotes page.
• The somewhat airheaded wives of two pothead entrepreneurs being questioned offer Crews and Reese a beer.
  Crews: (cheerfully) No, thanks. We're working, and one of us is a recovering alcoholic.
• Mary Ford, the nice little old lady who keeps insisting that Roy McCullough was "so polite" in "I Heart Mom."
  Ford: But, I guess he was just a thieving prick in the end.
  • Seeing her on the elevator with what looked like an entire gang of bikers!
• "Everything... All the Time". Tidwell's frustration that he can't watch Reese wire up the hot shrink.
• An early episode after Reese and Crews just took down a drug dealer.
  Reese: Why are you still here, Crews? You have all that money now. You could be sitting on a beach somewhere.
  Crews: Do I look like I need a tan?
• Amanda and Ted getting ready to go and be Big Damn Heroes.
  Amanda: Detective Reese is about 15 miles away. Let's go!
  Ted: Uh, shouldn't we call Charlie?
  Amanda: Oh, where's your sense of adventure?! [Pulls a gun out of her desk and checks that there are bullets in it] Oh, I'm sorry, did you want one? I have a spare.
  Ted: [Stares with a perfect O.O expression on his face]
• Tidwell's way of getting someone's attention? Throw a shoe at them!
• Crews: I want to come back as a giant Flemish rabbit. 15 pounds of pure bunny!
• From Mirror Ball, Crews decides to give Reese the nickname 'Doc'. She hates it.
  • Also, Crews and Tidwell have the exact same reaction to the nickname.
  "Doc? That's a great name. Wish it was my name."
  "Would probably be confusing."
• Also from Mirror Ball, the entire massively awkward scene featuring Crews, Crews' dad (who Crews recently shot) and Ted (who is in love with Crews' dad's fiancée). Then a singing telegram dressed as a KISS expy shows up!
  Ted: I'm in love with Olivia!
  Crews: [sotto voce] Oh, here we go...
  Crews' Dad: You're WHAT?!
• The entire scene from "Badge Bunny" with Reese and the clueless guy at the badge bunny bar.
  Reese: I'm sorry, but did you just say lesbo?
  Guy: Isn't that the term?
• Tidwell attempts to console a suicidal officer whose wife is divorcing him by telling him that what got him through his first divorce was "Tullamore Dew, The Afghan Whigs, and many, many strippers". This immediately backfires, because the officer's wife is a stripper.