History Funny / HellsKitchen

'''Ramsay:''' No.

** During the chicken cutting challenge, [[StrawMisogynist Jason]] [[HeManWomanHater goes on a long confession cam speech about how the men will totally own the women because they're men.]] Immediately afterward, Ramsay tells Jason to get his hands off the desk, picks up a piece, and asks, "Did you fuck the chicken?!"

-->'''Matt''': For a second I thought it was cat, 'cause it's stringy... not that I ever ate cat before.

-->'''Holli''': Scott, the scallops need to be cooked on the other side as well.
-->'''Chef Scott''': [[BlatantLies I thought we only cook them on one side.]]

-->'''Ramsay''': Is there anything cooked in this dish?
-->'''Virginia (in a hopeful tone)''': The nuts are toasted.

--> '''Scott:''' Dude, you don't have the fucking gas on, stupid!

--> '''Ramsay:''' If you sauté scallops in a non-stick pan, they won't stick. That's why it's called fucking '''''NON-STIIIIICK!''''' I don't know what non-stick means in Texas sweetheart, but '''FUCK ME!'''

--> '''Voiceover''': Everyone wants to give it their all...\\

-->'''Ramsay''': What is that?
-->'''Jen''': That's a duck breast.

--> '''Sous Chef Scott:''' Am I in charge of the garnish now because you two fucking dickheads can't handle it? Green beans are coming right up. How long on the garnish because you two douchebags can't handle it? "How long on the fucking garnish?" I love that.

-->'''Gordon:''' I think I'll start here, and work my way there.
-->'''Bonnie:''' It actually goes the other way. ''(Cue a series of double takes)''
-->'''Gordon:''' Oh so I have to go ''here'' and work my way ''there''? And that's gonna make a big difference in terms of what I'm eating?
-->'''Bonnie:''' Yes, chef.
-->'''Gordon:''' ''(Beat)'' [[DeadpanSnarker There's a first for everything.]]

-->'''Ramsay:''' Do you smoke?
-->'''Matt:''' Cigarettes??
-->'''Ramsay:''' No.

-->'''Narrator:''' With Rosann's dish receiving a good review from Chef Ramsay, [[TemptingFate things might be looking up.]]
-->'''Ramsay:''' ''(Lifts up the tray cover)'' Oh, fuck me.
-->'''Narrator:''' Or are they?
-->'''Ramsay:''' What in the fuck...Happy Halloween?
-->'''Ramsay:''' Right now, looking at that mess, I'd like to stick your fucking head in there, you know that.

-->'''Ramsay:''' Ben, what you've done and your ambitions, you do, seriously, suprise me.
-->'''Ben:''' [[SmugSnake Thank you, Chef. I was hoping you'd see that. I give it all I've got. Give it 110.]]
-->'''Ramsay:''' You surprise me to how ''shit'' you are.
-->'''Ben:''' (Looks down, embarrassed) [[BreakTheHaughty Oh...thank you...]]

-->'''Ben:''' I'm just gonna keep giving you 100%, Chef. Every day.
-->'''Matt:''' And I'll give you 125%, Chef.
-->'''Ramsay:''' ''[Looks at Craig, expectantly]''
-->'''Craig:''' [[TheDitz I don't know percentages...]]
-->'''Ramsay:''' ''[Slaps his leg in frustration]''
-->'''Craig:''' ...But just, over that.

-->'''Craig:''' Thank you, Chef, thank you.
-->'''Ramsay:''' Thank you... thank you, for giving me one big, fucking headache.

-->'''Louross''': (in confession cam) Oh my god! That was the most ghettoist thing that's ever happen in this kitchen!

--> '''Matt''': For a second I thought it was cat, 'cause it's stringy... not that I ever ate cat before.

--> '''Ramsay''': Corey, what're you doing?\\

--> '''Ramsay''': So the idea came from where?
--> '''Danny''': I just pulled it out of my ass, chef.
--> '''Ramsay''': [[AssShove Put it back in there, 'cause it sucks]].

---> '''Ramsay:''' Hey madam, lift that lid off, it looks black.
---> '''Colleen:''' It is black! Both of them!
---> '''Ramsay:''' ''SHIT!'' '''SHIT!''' '''''IT'S BLACK!'''''
---> '''Colleen:''' Yes chef!
---> '''Ramsay:''' '''''OH MY GOD!''''' Hey, madam - ''GET OUT!''

---> '''Ramsay''': We've fucking WASTED the most expensive part! ''LOOK AT IT!'' What are you gonna do, get Daddy to buy you a new one?!

-->'''(To Lacey)''': "Dude, I swear to God, if you win this, I will hang up my coat and become a crack whore dude."
-->'''(Upon hearing Ben's idea to put poached halibut on the menu)''': "I can just imagine a group of old fuddie-duddies sitting around in the dining room going [in a faux-sophisticated tone] 'I'll have the poached halibut, with ''extra'' poached please'."
-->'''(Finding out he has to make a dish of only 700 calories)''': "I take 700 calorie BITES."
-->'''(In an increasingly high-pitched voice)''': "Can't take da heat, get out da kit-CHEEEEEEEEN!"

-->'''Giovanni:''' Pea tenders? What are those?
-->'''Robert:''' Dude... does it look like I eat fucking pea tendrils?

-->'''Robert:''' Tasted like shit, whatever it was!

-->'''Chef Ramsay''': You're clumsy!\\

-->'''Chef Ramsay''': Look closely. Do you notice anything different?
-->'''Paula''': Your hair?
-->'''Chef Ramsay''': My hair? No, not my fucking hair.
-->'''Andrea''': You have a spot on your jacket?
-->'''Chef Ramsay''': (looks down at his jacket first) No! What's different?
-->'''Andrea''': You're smiling!
-->'''Chef Ramsay''': Exactly!

-->'''Chef Ramsay''': The winner... of Hell's Kitchen...lives in Florida.
-->(Cut to Paula's mouth dropping)
-->'''Paula''': (ConfessionCam) Oh my God. That's me! I live in Florida!
-->(Then she frowns as she has an "oh wait" moment)
-->'''Paula''': (ConfessionCam) Wait a second...''Danny'' lives in Florida too.

-->'''Ramsay:''' I thought you were joking. (...) What the fuck were you doing for forty-two minutes? Because that literally takes three minutes. Shocking!

-->'''Ramsay:''' Where's the lobster tail? Where's the fucking tail?! Absolutely fucking pathetic!

-->'''Chef Ramsay:''' Jim, do me a favor.
-->'''Jim:''' (ConfessionCam) I'm not intimidated by anybody.
-->'''Chef Ramsay:''' Take your coat off.
-->'''Jim:''' (Immediately) Ok. (cuts to the ConfessionCam as he takes coat off)
-->'''Jim:''' (ConfessionCam) [{{Beat}}] Alright, I'm a little intimidated by Chef Ramsay.

---> '''Narrator:''' [[SarcasmMode After Lovely's ''heroic'' return...]]

-->'''Tennille:''' You sauteed some meat and onions. And put it inside a crepe. Just say that!
-->'''Tennille:''' Suzanne, there's five minutes left. Why are you asking me NOW how I feel about the menu?

-->(Everyone in the background starts groaning when she starts her WallOfText comments, with an audible "Oh, come on!" from Ariel. They can only vent during their confessionals.)
-->'''Ariel:''' He just wants to know what the fuck is in the crepe.
-->'''Kevin:''' Shut up already!
-->'''Tenille:''' [[ToMakeALongStoryShort You sauteed some meat and onions. And put it inside a crepe. Just say that!]]

-->'''Ramsay:''' What do you mean there's a language barrier? He's speaking English, you dick!
-->'''Jean-Philippe:''' I know, but he's from Texas.
-->''(Ramsay turns away, unable to stop himself from smiling.)''

-->'''Dave:''' I don't work well with children!
-->'''Dave:''' ''(passing out dishes with his good arm)'' Who wants a sandwich? From the One-Armed Bandit. That's my name. ''(cut to him in confession cam)'' I tried any angle I could yet to make the kids like me. I sold myself out.

-->'''Mini-Gordon:''' Dave, I don't know how you do it with one arm. Bloody hell, if you were a horse I would've shot you by now!

-->'''Dave:''' Why did I choose pork for my protein? I just screwed myself up.

-->'''Jay''': Holli, you should probably polish the wood.
-->'''Holli''': You spray, I'll polish?
-->'''Jay (confession)''': I have two goals in Hell's Kitchen, one is to win, and the other is to sleep with Holli.
-->'''Holli (confession)''': We don't talk about food, we talk about sex.

-->'''Jill''': Well, make us something delicious for dinner!
-->'''(Drunk) Vinny''': ''I'm'' delicious.

-->'''Trev''': You don't wanna make out a lil' bit?
-->'''Gail''': Not really. ''(laughs)''
-->Cut to the TimePassesMontage, and a scene of the chefs preparing for service.
-->'''Narrator''': Trev may have not got [[DoubleEntendre lucky]] last night, but both teams are hoping to [[DoubleEntendre score]].

--->'''Trev''': *awkwardly shrugs* [[OhCrap Uh... hi]]

-->'''Narrator:''' [[DoubleEntendre Trev has successfully tossed Sabrina's salad.]]

-->'''Ramsay:''' Not an ounce of seasoning!
-->'''Raj''': What do you--?!
-->'''Russell''': We're doing it again! Don't argue with chef!
-->'''Trev''': ''(interview)'' Don't talk back to chef. He says something, you say "Yes, chef" and move on. That's it.
-->'''Gordon''': Say that again? Hey, say that again? Say--say--don't spit fucking scrambled egg in my face! Say that again?! Say that again?!
-->'''Raj''': Yes, chef.
-->'''Gordon''': There's not an ounce of fucking seasoning in there. These guys save lives for a living, yeah, and you're about to fuck up their breakfast. Got it?
-->'''Raj''': Yes, chef!

-->'''Ramsay:''' It's like you've got four bits of arsewipe on a plate; splat.
-->'''Ramsay:''' My dear Krupa, that was crap-a.

-->'''Tommy:''' Meth or Coke?

-->'''Paul:''' All of the past contestants... [[AndZoidberg and Tommy's ass]].

-->'''Gordon:''' Let's go! Three bass, two lamb.
-->'''Another contestant:''' Yes, chef!
-->'''Brian:''' Coming right now, baby!
-->''(The other contestants stare at him in shock.)''
-->'''Gordon:''' Ay, "it's coming, ''baby?!''"
-->'''Brian:''' Sorry, chef.
-->'''Gordon:''' You '''''cook''''' like a fucking baby!
-->'''Brian:''' Won't happen again, chef.
-->'''Gordon:''' '''''GET OUT!'''''
-->'''Brian:''' Yes, chef.
-->''(Gordon slams the table in anger.)''
-->'''Brian:''' ''(punches the door)'' '''''FUCK!'''''
-->'''Gordon:''' What's the matter with that jerk?!

-->'''Roshni''': Oh my, God, oh my, God...
-->(her zipline slows to a stop long before she reaches the other side)
-->'''Roshni''': [[BigOMG OHMYGODOHMYGOD!]]
-->(everyone in the Red Team laughs at her predicament)
-->'''Roshni''': This is not funny! [[SuddenlyShouting THIS IS NOT FUNNY!]]

-->'''Robyn:''' Oh Kimmie, suck my dick!
-->'''Narrator:''' While Robyn offers Kimmie an interesting suggestion...

--> '''Ramsay''': So, all that time you were cook-'' ''[HUGE BURST OF FLAME!]'' ...''[{{beat}}]''...All that time you were cooking, you couldn't think to put two fresh bass in?!

-->'''Anthony:''' Jeremy, he's telling it to you, just say it right back man! Pretty sure BIRDS can do that!

-->'''Ramsay:''' Hey! Film/DumbAndDumber!
-->'''Ray and Dan (in unison):''' Yes chef!

-->'''Susan''': I have never ever used a pressure cooker before.
-->'''Ja'Nel''': I have never used a pressure cooker before.
-->'''Cyndi''': [[RuleOfThree I've never used a pressure cooker before.]]
-->'''Jon''': [[OverlyLongGag I've never used a pressure cooker before.]]
-->'''Mary''': I...[[SubvertedPunchline have a pressure cooker at home]]! ''(cue ding noise as camera shows Mary smiling)''

--->'''Narrator:''' While the ladies continue team building upstairs...

-->'''[=DeMarco=]:''' He's not worth it!
-->'''Jason''': He works at a grocery store!
-->'''[=DeMarco=]''': [[TakeThatScrappy I know!]]

-->'''Narrator:''' While the women try to get their buns moving...

-->'''Ramsay:''' I'm looking for a head chef....Not a pastry chef.
-->'''Aaron:''' At the restaurant at which I work, [[DoesThisRemindYouOfAnything I'm required to go both ways]]. ''(Ramsay doubletakes, much to the audience's amusement)''

-->'''Bryant:''' "Look, look, I don't know why the fuck you got something to prove."
-->'''Sterling:''' "I don't. I just ate my fish."
-->'''Bryant:''' "Why you standing up and telling me that?"
-->'''Sterling:''' "I love you. You need a hug?"
-->'''Bryant:''' "No, I don't need a hug, you ain't gotta talk to me like that."
-->'''Sterling:''' "Don't get mad at me cause your plate is full."
-->'''Bryant:''' "It's full because I don't wanna eat it."
-->'''Sterling:''' "Ain't my fault."
-->'''Bryant:''' "Then why the fuck are you talking to me about it?! Leave me the fuck alone, I'ma tell you right now, leave me alone."
-->'''Sterling:''' "What are you gonna do, eat me?"

-->'''Nick:''' "What are the chances that [my ex-girlfriend] would be HERE?"
-->'''Randy:''' "What's the chances we'd see one of your girlfriends?"

-->'''Ramsay:''' "I've spoken to everyone I wanted to speak with."
-->'''Josh:''' (nervously) "...You don't wanna speak to me?"
-->'''Ramsay:''' (smirking) "Get your ass up here."

---> '''Jared:''' "Boobs or dumpling? Boobs or dumpling? Boobs or dumpling?"

---> '''Frank:''' [[CaptainObvious She only won because I lost!]]

-->'''Manda:''' Thanks a lot, Frank. You're getting a hug, whether you like it or not!

-->'''Andi:''' "I'm sure you guys have swallowed worse."

-->'''Ramsay''': Ladies, two dinner services and two challenges, you are 0:4. Hold on there, you did actually win a cup-stacking challenge. Big fucking deal. (to the Blue team) Give them a round of applause.

-->'''Ramsay''': Do me a favor: ''grow some''! \\

-->'''Ramsay (sarcastically)''': He's bleeding to death!

-->'''Nick:''' Good morning, Elise.
-->'''Elise:''' It's a great morning!
-->'''Nick:''' It's not.

-->'''Nick''': Bye! Check the scoreboard, girls' team is losing, bye Felicia! \\
'''Elise''': Yeah, girls' team is losing but my scores aren't!!
-->'''Nick''': Oh yeah, well, guess what, you're still on their team, honey! [[InsultBackfire BOOP BOOP BOOP BOOP!]]

---> '''Kanae''': (in confessional) I almost farted!
---> '''T''': [[CallBack That was like the snakes all over again!]]

--> '''Jose''': Uh... [[CaptainObvious that's the bad vibe that you see right there, Chef]].

-->'''Bret''': As Jose and Bret polish silverware...
-->'''Jose''': ...Trevor's still on his first batch of churning.

---> '''Cody''': I will hold your little hand and walk you like an infant child.

-->'''Payton''': ''We gotta dig ourselves up from the grave.''
-->'''Antonio''': ''We six feet deep, we go another 2 feet, done-ski.''
-->'''Steve:''' ''Fortunately, I'm 6'4.''

-->'''Alex:''' I was born to spell. I won the third-grade spelling bee, [[BumblingDad I know there's two T's in cat!]]

-->'''Devon''': I think some of them are very talented.\\

--> '''Brad''': Turf and turf. Bitch, it's surf and turf. What?!

* Every time [[SmallNameBigEgo Scott]] is giving a speech in the confessional and [[MilesGloriosus patting himself on the back]], it's usual accompanied by patriotic music one would expect to hear at a Presidential inauguration.

'''Chef Ramsay:''' ''(raising his voice)'' You're pissed, are you? ''(now extremely close to Giovanni)'' Not as fucking-- ''Look at me, '''look at me IN THE EYES! NOT AS PISSED AS I AM! YOU FUCKING ARE!''''' ''({{beat}})'' '''''DONKEY!'''''\\