History Funny / DiamondsAreForever

'''[[Creator/SidHaig Random Black Suit]:]''' I've got a brother!\\

'''[[Creator/SidHaig Random Black Suit]]''': I've got a brother!\\

-->'''Bond''': The wine is quite excellent. Though for such a grand meal, I'd have rather expected a claret.
-->'''Mr. Wint''': Of course, sir. Unfortunately, our cellar is rather poorly stocked with clarets.
-->'''Bond''': Mouton Rotheschild '''is''' a claret. ''(Mr. Wint adjusts his bowtie)'' And I've smelled that aftershave before, and both times, I've smelled a rat.

-->''[The lid to the casket 007 is roasting alive in cracks open and the CreepyAwesome Wagnerian music instantly cuts out, and the crankiest old fart you can imagine leans over and glares down at Bond]''
-->'''Shady''': You dirty double-crossing Limey fink, ''those Goddamn diamonds are '''PHONIES!'''''
-->'''Bond''': ''[gets up and sees Shady in front of him, not recognizing the face]'' Now, don't tell me -- you're [[FluffyCloudHeaven Saint Peter]]?

* Shady Tree's [[spoiler: demise]]. Wint and Kidd come to his dressing room and the old guy barks a self-aware lampshading of washed-up comedians everywhere....
-->'''Wint:''' Shady Tree! ''[both walk down stairs into the dressing room]'' Shady, we just adored your act!
-->'''Kidd:''' What taste, style!
-->'''Wint:''' And we have just a few suggestions.
-->'''Shady:''' Critics and material I don't need! I haven't changed my act in forty years!
-->''[then once the deed is done]''
-->'''Saxby:''' Hold it! Don't go in there! We didn't get the real diamonds, so we need Tree, alive.
-->'''Kidd:''' That's most annoying.

-->'''Shady:''' Critics and material I don't need! I haven't changed my act in forty years!
-->'''Kidd:''' Ah, but this one's surefire. ''[produces a water flower that squirts water]''
-->'''Shady:''' That's the oldest Go—
-->'''Wint:''' And this one... will kill you. ''[produces a BangFlagGun and fires it]''
-->'''Shady:''' Come on, fellas! The popping gun and squirting flower routine? [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe You gotta be kidding me...]]
-->''[Wint fires a real bullet out of the gun into Shady's head, and Kidd uses the flower to clean up the mess]''
-->'''Kidd:''' Two's company, Mr. Wint.
-->'''Wint:''' And Tree... was a crowd, Mr. Kidd.

-->'''Bond''': [[ItMakesSenseInContext I was just out walking my rat, and I seem to have lost my way.]]

--->'''Tiffany''': Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything!\\

-->'''Bond''': Exceptionally fine shot.\\

-->'''Blofeld''': Tiffany, my dear, we're showing a bit more cheek than usual, aren't we?
--->''(Tiffany sadly removes the cassette from her bikini bottom and hands it over to Blofeld.)''
-->'''Blofeld''': ''(to the guards presently there)'' Take her below and lock her up with Mr. Bond.
--->''(The guards haul Tiffany to the cell below.)''
-->'''Blofeld''': ''(resigned)'' What a pity. Such nice cheeks, too. If only they were brains.

-->'''Bond''': Saxby...
-->'''White''': ''Bert'' Saxby??
-->'''Bond''': Yeah.
-->'''White''': [[BondOneLiner Tell him he's fired!]]
-->''(Bond slowly turns, [[AsideGlance glancing straight at the camera]])''

-->'''Blofeld''': Lower! Not UP!

-->'''Shady Tree''': Where the hell do you think you're going?\\
'''James Bond''': I hear that the Hotel Tropicana's quite comfortable. My condolences, gentlemen!\\

'''James Bond''': Hello, Felix. Oh, very comfortable.
* Earlier, before James Bond departs for Slumber, Inc. in the mortuary hearse with the waiting black suits, Felix Leiter does a courtesy inspection of the body to be burned and can't for the life of him figure out where the diamonds are. [[spoiler:After Bond tells him, he swaps the diamonds for some convincing phonies off-screen before authorizing the delivery of the cargo to Slumber, Inc.]]
-->'''Felix Leiter''': I give up. I know the diamonds are in the body, but where?\\
'''James Bond''': Alimentary, Dr. Leiter.

-->'''Hearse Driver''': The, uh, stiff... ''[clears throat]'' the deceased back there... your brother, Mr. Franks?\\
'''James Bond''': Yes. He was.\\

'''James Bond''': ''[smiling]'' Small world.

-->'''Mr. Kidd''': ''(After having timed a bomb inside a fake cake [[ItMakesSenseInContext called a bombe]])'' This will only take a few moments, [[PreMortemOneLiner and then we will leave you in peace]].

-->'''Tiffany''': Relax, you've got a friend named Felix who can fix anything!
-->'''Bond''': Unfortunately, so can Willard Whyte.

* Wint and Kidd observe Bond and Tiffany on the plane to America.
-->'''Kidd''': They're onboard. I must say, Miss Case is quite attractive. ''(Wint gives an unimpressed look)'' For a lady. ''(Kidd laughs, Wint still looks annoyed)''

* Earlier, before James Bond departs for Slumber, Inc. in the mortuary hearse with the waiting black suits, Felix Leiter does a courtesy inspection of the body to be burned and can't for the life of him figure out where the diamonds are. [[spoiler:After Bond tells him, he swaps the diamonds for some convincing phonies offscreen before authorizing the delivery of the cargo to Slumber, Inc.]]

-->'''Mr. Kidd''': ''(After having timed a bomb inside a fake cake)'' This will only take a few moments, [[PreMortemOneLiner and then we will leave you in peace]].

* In the Circus scene, there's a bit where a baby elephant walks up to a slot machine, pulls the lever, and then trumpets with delight when it wins with triple elephants. It's so random it's hilarious.

-->'''Blofeld''': Showing a bit more cheek than usual, my dear.

-->'''Shady''': You dirty double-crossing Limey fink, ''those Goddam diamonds are '''PHONIES!'''''
-->'''Bond''': ''[gets up and sees Shady in front of him, not recognizing the face]'' Now don't tell me -- you're [[FluffyCloudHeaven Saint Peter]]?

* Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd. Sure; They may be genuinely ruthless, sadistic and effective assassins. Sure; They may be portrayed in a rather problematic fashion as a heavily-implied gay couple [[note]]as in saying, "These guys are so evil and depraved that they're actually banging each other!"[[/note]]. However; they're probably the most interesting, likeable and genuinely amusing thing in the entire movie. They [[https://image.ibb.co/gzmY17/mr_wint_and_mr_kidd_diamonds_are_forever.png look like clones]] of Creator/RichLittle and David Crosby and come off as something out of a Creator/WarnerBrothers or Creator/HannaBarbera cartoon.

!!The Novel

* Mr. Wint & Mr. Kidd. Sure; They may be genuinely ruthless, sadistic and effective assassins. Sure; They may be portrayed in a rather problematic fashion as a heavily-implied gay couple [[note]]as in saying, "These guys are so evil and depraved that they're actually banging each other!"[[/note]]. However; they're probably the most interesting, likeable and genuinely amusing thing in the entire movie. They [[https://image.ibb.co/gzmY17/mr_wint_and_mr_kidd_diamonds_are_forever.png look like clones]] of Rich Little and David Crosby and come off as something out of a Creator/WarnerBrothers or Creator/HannaBarbera cartoon.