Funny: Dead Wood

  • Almost any kind of interaction between Swearengen and Mr. Wu turns out like this, thanks to them each understanding maybe five words of the other man's language.
    • Particular highlights include Wu trying to explain to Swearengen that their opium courier got robbed... though pantomime, charcoal sketches, and repeated shouts of "White cocksuckas!" Swearengen replies "I'm so glad I taught you that fuckin' word." Johnny comments that it's the first time he's heard anyone but Al shouting "cocksucker" in Al's office that wasn't immediately followed by Al coming up and gesturing for Dan to bring his knife.
    • There's even a Bilingual Bonus moment when Swearengen tries to explain the enmity between him and Hearst using a term—"bak gwai lo"—he'd heard Wu use about people Wu didn't like. Wu's confused expression becomes hilarious if you know that Swearengen just called himself and Hearst "white devils." Rather appropriate...
  • Crowning Moment of Funny: Jack McCall haplessly trying to recreate an insult he was handed by Wild Bill to another poker player.
  • The scene after Al "promotes" Johnny to being a Road Agent. Al's talking to Dan about it, when Johnny comes down the stairs.
    Johnny: Hey, Al. Any reason I can't share with Dan what you told me about me taking over for Persimmon Phil? (Note that Dan is standing right there)
    Al: Yeah. Keep Dan in the dark.
    Dan: Hey Johnny. What's new?
    (Johnny looks at his feet.)
  • The swatches scene with the German tailor. To say more would ruin it.
  • "Among humans, for grip, the China-woman's snatch has no peer. In all nature, the python is its only rival, though few have lived to tell the tale..."
  • "I will profane your fucking remains, E.B... Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig."
  • Al's near perfect impression of E.B.
  • Jimmy the opium courier soiling himself after Al punches him.
  • E.B. advising some new arrivals to "not look to your left as you egress," if they're religiously inclined, as Richardson is doing a Pagan-like ritual with the antler Alma gave him.
  • Everyone trying to work out what to put in the paper about the small pox
    Merrick: "The vaccine will be distributed gratis."
    Al: Free gratis.
    Merrick: Free gratis is a redundancy.
    EB: Does that mean 'repeats itself'?
    Al: Then leave gratis out.
    Merrick: What luck for me Al, that you have such a keen editorial sense. "Free. Distributed Free. Period."
  • Swearengen tries desperately to get the Chinese pig farmer to explain who stole his opium. The only English the Chinaman knows is "Cocksucker!" The conversation radically goes off the rails.
  • Calamity Jane encounters a man dying of the plague that will soon hit Deadwood, and rapidly grows tired of the only thing he can say.
    Man: I 'pologize . . .
    • From that same scene, her yelling "ARE YOU DEAD?" at him.
  • Swearengen confronts his lackey Jimmy Irons about stealing his opium, threatens to throw Jimmy off the balcony, and punches him in the face. Things get a little weird after that, with Jimmy's casual acceptance of the whole series of events really selling it.
    Jimmy: I just shit myself, sir. I'm saying it now before the smell gets you.
    Al: (incredulous) You shit yourself?
    Jimmy: I'm sorry, go ahead.
    Al: Throw yourself off the balcony.
    Jimmy: I'm gonna crawl, sir. I shouldn't stand.
    Al: Hurry the fuck up. Go on, throw yourself! Stay in the fucking muck until I'm down there.
    Jimmy: (hand recoils from ground) Just got a splinter the size of my arm in my fucking palm. (notices Al's angry expression). Its alright.
    Al: Go. Go get your shit-smeared ass off my balcony. Go! Go, go!
    [Jimmy jumps off the balcony and falls in the mud]
    Jimmy: I hurt my arm but I'm okay.
    Al: Fucking lie there now.
    Jimmy: I'm just gonna roll forward. so I don't get trampled.
    [Al walks off in disbelief]