The coverage of the opening ceremony was amazin'! It wasn't just the most spectacular broadcast ever, it was educational 'cause it taught you all about British history. Like how we started out as primitive morris dancers and cricket people all livin' in this field, and then Abraham Lincoln
turned up and started shoutin' at everyone. And, like, chimneys grew out of the ground, raising up like big, sort of penises made out of bricks. And it showed you how the Victorians invented Gangnam style
, and how we got invaded by the people from the Quality Street tin
, and how the Mafia turned up to help us, but they were black! And then this volcano went off, and we hit the lava with hammers until it flew in the air and turned into the Olympics! And I didn't know that any of that actually happened, but it had all actually happened!