[[quoteright:150:http://static.tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pub/images/Hans_Von_Hozel.jpg]]
[[caption-width-right:150: The German flag. Also is Hans von Hozel's avatar on Fanfiction.net]]

->''"Hallo there, my name is Hans von Hozel.''
->''I like to write stories [[BlatantLies to make an improve of my English]].''
->''Please read and enjoy! :)"''

->''"I had idea when one day, I going in Berlin. Suddenly, everything in English! I could not understand it. [[CaptainObvious It was like it in another language]], so I make English and do stories in it. : D"''
-->-- '''Hans von Hozel'''

Hans von Hozel is one of many writers on Website/FanFictionDotNet, though his original account and fanfics are no longer on the website, having been removed by the site without explanation. Probably the most notable thing about Hans' collection of fics is that he had a fic for just about everything. Well, maybe not everything, but chances are if there's a huge fanbase (e.g. ''Literature/{{Twilight}}''), there will be a fic for that sooner or later. Although, [[InNameOnly the plot might not have to do with the storyline at all...]]

You can find a steadily-building archive of his old work [[http://hans-von-hozel.tumblr.com/ here]]. Additionally, his new account is available [[https://www.fanfiction.net/u/5440582/Hans-von-Hozel-2013 here]], though it hasn't been nearly as prolific as his old account was.
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!!Hans von Hozel's works provide examples of:
* AdaptationSpeciesChange: In his Literature/LittleRedRidingHood fic, the [[TheBigBadWolf Wolf]] is replaced by a [[BearsAreBadNews bear]].
%% * AllDesertsHaveCacti: Zig-zagged in ''World Cup 2010''.
* AnyoneCanDie: Most of his fics end on a melancholy note. For example: he kills all of the [[spoiler: Ninja Turtles and Splinter in his story ''Ninja Turtles'' and in his ''Series/DoctorWho'' fic, the Doctor gets eaten by raptors]].
* ArtisticLicenseAstronomy: in ''Werewolves'', executives on earth successfully ''harpoon the sun''.
** In his ''Series/HannahMontana'' fanfic, a lunar eclipse causes the sun to appear in the middle of the night.
* ArtisticLicenseBiology:
** In ''The Raven'', the titular raven is being hunted for its ''fur coat''.
** Also, the ''Series/{{Glee}}'' fanfic involves a banana forest growing as a result of ProducePelting. Edible bananas have no seeds.
* ArtisticLicenseNuclearPhysics: "Suddenly, his potion solution constructed nuclear in its half life and opened up a black wormholee!!!!!!"
* AuthorVocabularyCalendar: Many of his fanfics use "danube" ''as a verb''.
* BalefulPolymorph: The vampires in ''Twilight'' are turned into bats.
* BlackComedyRape: In his ''Film/{{Titanic 1997}}'' fanfiction, the iceberg rapes the ship itself.
* BlindIdiotTranslation: His stories are like this.
* BurnTheWitch: [[spoiler:Jake]] in ''Nefarious Fauxpod Fanfic 4''.
* ButterflyOfDoom: ''Series/DoctorWho'' has a time travel related accident with a feather duster which causes the world's population to turn into dinosaurs... [[CrossesTheLineTwice who eat The Doctor]]... [[EpicFail and conquer the world]]...
* CatchPhrase: His usage of "Danube" as a verb, usually to indicate someone or something moving.
** "Liverpool" for the Beatles.
* ColonyDrop: [[spoiler: The Moon]] at the end of Pearl Harbor, after it tries to [[spoiler:bring everyone America exiled back to Earth.]]
* CrackFic: Many of his works fall into this category.
* {{Crossover}}
--> "One day, Manga/{{Naruto}} was sit on a beach.
-->It was many suns in the sky.
-->Suddenly, [[Manga/DragonBall Vegeta]]!"
** ''World of Danube: A Film/MammaMia[=/=]Literature/HarryPotter crossover''.
* DarkerAndEdgier: [[Anime/{{Pokemon}} Pikachu]] [[spoiler: gets made into a coat by Team Rocket, causing Ash to [[DrivenToSuicide kill himself]]]], Film/MaryPoppins [[spoiler: gets hit by an airplane while flying with her umbrella]], [[Literature/AliceInWonderland Alice]] [[spoiler: accidentally poisons herself when she drinks from the "Drink Me" bottle]], just to name a few of the fates of famous popular characters.
* DepartmentOfRedundancyDepartment:
--> One day, [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/5134296/1/House House]] was [[WhosOnFirst walk into his House]].
--> "It is good to have House House!" say House, as he walk into House House.
* DeusExNukina: "Dragon Droppings":
-->"Oh no!" said Obama, "The feces are spreading outside the wall of the city! We must use nuke!"\\
So he pressed a button and nuke city, which killed the dragon and evaporated all of the fecals.\\
The world of celebration, for dragon to gone!
* DieForOurShip: Invoked in ''Valentine's Day'', [[Literature/HarryPotter Harry]] [[MurderTheHypotenuse sets a dragon on Ron]] so he can have Hermione for himself.
* DisproportionateRetribution: In ''Pikachus Umbrella'', Pikachu is locked in a prison cell for all eternity for stealing a TV set.
* DrivenToSuicide: [[spoiler: Ash, Misty, and Brock]] in one of the Pokemon fanfics.
* TheDogBitesBack: "The animals had had enough of being used by Panda, and gave humans location."
* DontLikeDontRead: He used this in his ''Series/{{Numb3rs}}'' fic when he rehosted it (it had been reported and deleted).
* DownerEnding: A rare humorous example can be found in nearly everything he writes.
* EatTheRich: in ''Phanton of the Opera'', the Phantom kills all the rich people at the opera and the poor rejoice [[spoiler: but then he kills all the poor people too.]]
* EldritchAbomination: [[Franchise/{{Pokemon}} Missingno]] is portrayed as this, being able to make the world glitch out by its very presence.
* FaceHeelTurn: Superman in ''Smallville''.
* FlashFiction: Most of his works are quite short.
%% * FunnyForeigner: Hans himself.
* GoodIsBoring: Lex Luthor says this to Superman in ''Smallville''.
* GenreShift: ''Manga/{{Axis Powers Hetalia}}'' and ''Film/TheRoom'' abruptly turn to sci-fi in midstream.
%% * GreenAesop: The ''WesternAnimation/KungFuPanda'' story. Maybe.
%% * HumansAreBastards: ''Warhammer''.
* HypocriticalHumor: In the summary for his ''Film/TheRoom'' fic, he mentions that he thinks the movie must be [[PoesLaw a joke]] because it's not very good.
* IAmNotShazam: He seems to think that the protagonist of ''WesternAnimation/KungFuPanda'' is named "Panda".
* ImperialStormtrooperMarksmanshipAcademy: Private Ryan in his ''Film/SavingPrivateRyan'' fanfic gets kicked out of the army for being ridiculously horrible at shooting things.
* IncrediblyLamePun: Yugi becomes an Franchise/YuGiOh card in ''Card Quest''.
* InNameOnly: His works often do this almost literally, since some only reference the title of the work they are based on.
** His ''Manga/{{Gravitation}}'' and ''Film/TheDayAfterTomorrow'' fics are particularly blatant examples.
** His ''Film/RushHour'' fic is actually about the ''board game'' of the same name.
** Also, his ''Film/AcrossTheUniverse'' fics are essentially about wars between the Beatles (who can only say "Liverpol") and ABBA.
** His ''Series/TheBigBangTheory'' fic is about the literal Big Bang.
* InTheStyleOf: If one is ''very'' charitable, ''Glitch City'' is ''Franchise/{{Pokemon}}'' in the style of ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid2''.
* IntentionalEngrishForFunny: [[StealthParody Most]] [[PoesLaw likely]].
* KillEmAll:
** His [[spoiler: ''Film/TheRoom'']] fic.
** Also in his ''Franchise/YuGiOh'' fics.
** Happens repeatedly in his [[Literature/TheBible Bible]] fic; God getting either angry, or bored.
* LighterAndSofter: "Ok so I saw a horrible scary movie call ''Film/TheHumanCentipede'' and is was horrible but I make [[http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6255487/1/Centipede_Crufts this version]] [[LampshadeHanging where it is not so scary and of the happy ending!]]"
* MoneyToThrowAway: In ''Eurovision Song Contest 2010'' Switzerland makes gold rain from the ceiling. [[{{ArtisticLicenseEconomics}} This somehow fixes Greece's economy]].
* MurderTheHypotenuse: See the comment for DieForOurShip about the ''Literature/HarryPotter'' story ''Valentine's Day''.
%% * OurVampiresAreDifferent: Hozel's ''Literature/{{Twilight}}'' and ''Literature/LetTheRightOneIn'' stories use his own vampire mythos.
* {{Pastiche}}: His... ''distinctive'' style has inspired these from other authors, particularly by way of [[http://fanfictioncdn-fictionpressllc.netdna-ssl.com/u/3042496/TheWeeklyHansvonHozelChallenge The Weekly Hans von Hozel Challenge]].
* PokemonSpeak: Music/TheBeatles can only say "Liverpol".
* ProducePelting:
** The ''Series/{{Glee}}'' club gets pelted by bananas. See ArtisticLicenseBiology.
** ''Series/HannahMontana'' gets pelted by tomatos in another of his fics.
* PyrrhicVillainy: The iceberg in the ''Movie/Titanic'' fic gets to rape and sink the titanic, but then [[spoiler:melts upon touching the water.]]
* RealPersonFic: And in a site where it's supposedly forbidden, although it's sometimes a result of confusion caused by IAmNotLeonardNimoy and TheDanza. This doesn't stop reviewers from threatening to report him, though.
* RougeAnglesOfSatin: His ''Film/{{Tron}}'' fanfic is listed as a ''Film/{{Troy}}'' fanfic.
* SayingSoundEffectsOutLoud: In ''Spain Wins the World Cup'' the referee says "Toot."
* ShockAndAwe: One of his stories ends with WesternAnimation/{{Thomas the Tank Engine}} blown up by a bolt of lightning from Electric Train.
* StealthParody[=/=]PoesLaw: Everything by him is probably this. We hope.
** Though given that the original account did slowly improve in grammar, and many of the errors could conceivably come from German being poorly translated into English, maybe not. If he's not legit, he's better than most TrollFic authors, who tend to make their work even worse as it goes on.
* TemptingFate: Edward in ''Twilight'':
-->"It good thing it night time" say Edward, "Becuase Vampires can no do the sunlight."\\
[[CueTheSun Suddenly, Sunlight!]]
* In ''Pearl Harbor'', America comments on how peaceful it is in Pearl Harbor. Cue, [[ForegomeConclusion well...]]
* TogetherInDeath: [[spoiler: Edward and Bella both turn into dust in ''Twilight'', the latter doing so when she puts her hand on the dust]].
* TrollFic: [[http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1730364/Hans_von_Hozel His works.]]
--> '''Hans''': "I had idea when one day, I going in Berlin. Suddenly, everything in English! I could not understand it. It was like it in another language, so I make English and do stories in it. : D"
** He has received a [[http://maxtaro.deviantart.com/art/Hans-Von-Hozel-fan-fiction-143163934 tribute]] in Troll Fic form.
* TheUnintelligible: In Hans's fics, Music/TheBeatles can only say "Liverpol".
* WhosOnFirst: "One day, House was walk into his House."
* WomanScorned: in ''[[Film/TheCuriousCaseOfBenjaminButton Benjamin Button]]'', [[spoiler: Daisy has the deaged-to-fetus Benjamin Button aborted [[FridgeLogic despite him not being inside anyone's uterus at the time]] as revenge after Benjamin has the gall to dump her]].
* YouKeepUsingThatWord:
** As mentioned, he seems convinced that the word "Danube" is a rather vaguely-defined ''verb''.
** He also likes to take verbs and change them to "make a (verb)ing". For example, from the fanfiction ''Strawberry Fields Forever'':
--->"LOOK!" shout Fans, "THE BEATLES ARE MAKING A STEALING!"
** He also thinks that the plural of "broom" (which he consistently spells "[[Literature/InheritanceCycle Brom]]", and uses as if it were a name) is "bromine". "Brom", however, is German for "bromine" he seems to have the two confused. [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bromine Bromine]] just so happens to be a periodic element; an odd thing to get confused with a [[http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/broom broom of the sweeping kind]].
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