The next day, our heroes decide to take the "secret passage" again (that is, randomly going through people's backyards). They decide wisely to bypass Ziggy and Huie's backyard. I mean backyards, except the author used the singular instead of the plural, accidentally implying that Ziggy and Huie live together. Not that those two matter anymore, since they're gone from the story for good.
Soon they reach the backyard that contains the tunnel. And I love how the book refers to it as "the tunnel" instead of the "secret passage", since despite being both secret and a passage, it doesn't qualify. The name "secret passage" had already been taken.
However, there is a cargo van being unloaded into the driveway next door.
"Guys? This moving van is making me uncomfortable. Anyone else uncomfortable?"
The kids return to Archie's house.
"I can't believe it," Billy said. "It's been about eight months, and they still haven't caught those crooks yet. What's taking them so long."
Like all 12-year-olds, these kids like to read the newspaper. Heck, they even have opinions on the news! They're more well-read than your average 12-year-olds, I'll say that. They must have been following this jewel thief story for a long time.
No, you think?
Wow. Ingenious reasoning, Archie. Wait, they hide with their loot? I thought they took their loot to their hideout? Technically, that's hiding with it, so whatever. Still awkward phrasing.
Hank says that the crooks have his parents worried since they'd robbed friends of his parents. But he's cut off mid-sentence by everyone agreeing to go outside. Then they hear joyful screams and the splashing of water, from Amanda's backyard.
She's swimming in her pool of course, along with Janet and Cindy. Billy and Hank say that they'd like to get in and swim, and that they hope Amanda isn't angry about yesterday's crushing something over her head in a humilia- I mean, pouring dirt down her back while she stood there and did nothing.
Archie frowned, and so did Billy and Hank. They had misunderstood the girls' true motivations the previous day, and the girls had mistaken it for a rejection. Now a gender war was brewing, unnecessarily.
The girls weren't very straightforward with the "Amanda wants you to tackle her" message, and the boys' refusal to tackle her is a rejection. Oh, and so is their pouring dirt down their back. That also probably came across as a rejection. Sucks that there's a gender war brewing.
Because 12-year-olds like to juggle. And they have apple trees in their backyards. And all three of them can juggle. These are the same boys who also like to read the newspaper. Gifford Bailey is down with the kids!
"Bet's on!" both Billy and Hank said, with a devilish look.
"And I hope we lose the bet!" Billy added.
"You will!" Archie said.
Hey look, it's the return of Billyhank. Also, throwing rotten apples in Amanda's pool? Okay, I can actually see middle school kids doing something like that.
Archie throws the apple, causing it to land right in the center of the pool.
What is Billy talking about? He only bet that Archie couldn't hit Amanda's pool with a rotten apple. He didn't bet that he could do it also, or throw better, or anything like that. This makes no sense.
Wait, did I just complain that something in this book made no sense? I'll be here all day if I list everything that doesn't make sense.
I'm sure you know exactly what's going to happen, considering that Billy and Hank are essentially Archie, yet with less personality and pretty much just kissing his ass. So of course Billy throws an apple, it lands perfectly, then Hank throws an apple, and his lands as well.
The boys are satisfied, so they climb up to Archie's tree house, which will only exist for this chapter, and hang out.
Amanda runs inside and tells her older brother, Jeffrey, what just happened.
Don't put this guy on a jury. He'd be quick to convict.
Jeffrey hops the fence and comes after the boys, and so Archie and Billyhank pull up the rope ladder to the tree house.
Really? I thought they were gathering the apples so they could eat them. Thanks for telling your readers the obvious.
Rather than repeat myself about how this is obvious (okay, I just did), I want to bring up something else. The Unspoken Plan Guarantee is something writers use for a reason. It's to keep the reader in suspense while they wait to find out what the heroes are gonna do next. Likewise, its inverse is that if a plan is spoken out loud and heard by the viewer/reader, then it will go wrong. The reason why is simple: it's boring to have the heroes talk about exactly what they plan to do, and then go ahead and do exactly what they said they will without anything going wrong. In this case, it's the narration that told us exactly what the heroes plan to do.
So naturally, they are going to do exactly what the narrator said they'd do, and nothing will go wrong.
"No way!" Archie responded. "We don't deserve any medicine!"
"Yes, you do!" Jeffrey insisted. "Come down here, now!"
"Nothing doing!" Archie answered. "We're staying here!"
"Yeah!" both Billy and Hank shouted, in support of Archie. "We're staying here!"
After throwing rotten apples in Amanda's pool, Archie is convinced he doesn't deserve any "medicine". And by medicine, presumably that means a beating. This kid is lacking in the social skills department.
I'd tell you what happens next, but I already told you what's going to happen. Actually, the narrator did, when the story told you exactly what Archie and Billyhank planned to do.
So after the trio throw apples at Jeffrey, he throws apples back at them, but none of them reach inside the tree house.
"Nothing doing!" Archie answered.
Once again, Gifford Bailey shows his deep understanding of the social dynamics and dialog of elderly people. Oops, I keep forgetting these are supposed to be kids.
Jeffrey changes tactics and uses a garden hose to try to get the kids, spraying into the tree house.
I'm trying to picture how this would even look in a movie. I'm picturing Jeffrey spraying in the tree house, as Archie basks in the spray and cools down, before he moves aside and lets Billy do it, and then Hank, all while Jeffrey continues to spray water, somehow not noticing what's happening right in front of his eyes. I mean, like, what was really going on there?
Jeffrey decides finally to maybe climb the tree for once, but the brats throw apples at him, and Jeffrey gives up, vowing to get back at them "at a future time".
So you're telling me that these kids celebrated a victory by squirting the water hose up in the air and at each other for thirty minutes? And during that entire time, Jeffrey never came out to beat them up for what they'd done to his sister? For that matter, thirty minutes?! That's the length of a TV show! That's a VERY long time to be playing with a garden hose. Not even little kids are entertained by a garden hose for that long, and believe me, as an uncle, I would know.
Anyway, that's gonna result in another tally: the total victory celebration length. Because believe me, the celebrations are only going to get longer and dumber over the course of the story.
They decide to go and check out the secret passage- I mean, the hidden tunnel, only to see neighbors in the area having a backyard barbecue. Feeling "uncomfortable with this situation", they give up for the day.
The chapter ends.
One thing I wanted to point out. Looking back at the pool scene, did you notice that Janet and Cindy did absolutely nothing? Did you forget who they are? They're Amanda's friends. They also have no dialog in this book, at all. They do nothing. They are just background decoration. You could say the same about Billy and Hank, but they at least do stuff, occasionally on their own free will no less. But Amanda's friends are not even characters! They could be removed from the story and their disappearance wouldn't be noticed.
Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 7
Crushing something on someone's head count: 4½
Total victory celebration length: 30 minutes
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