The next day, Archie, Billy and Hank meet at Archie's house to plan their return to the "secret passage", which as you'll recall, is simply their plan to run through backyards and climb fences while pretending it's some kind of big secret. They take out the twelve water balloons that had been made the day before - specifically four water balloons per boy, as this book feels the need to tell us. They put the water balloons in their school knapsacks, and this is when I begin to wonder who on earth calls schoolbags "school knapsacks". I have never heard that term before. Time to Google it.
Well, the term actually does autocomplete when I type it, but the pictures it shows are what most Americans, and most New Jerseyians, would call a "backpack". The term "school knapsack" is so rare that the things that showed up in autocomplete when I type "school kn" into Google were "school knock knock jokes", "school knockout fights", "school knockout" and "school knights". "School knapsacks" didn't even make the top four.
It must be some weird term that people used 40 years ago or whenever Gifford Bailey was a kid.
Whatever. Anyway, the kids go through the "secret passage" route all over again, and head straight to Ziggy's backyard to water balloon bomb him, but he and Huie are nowhere to be found. So the kids assume they're in hiding, and look behind trees and shrubs and other potential hiding places.
I'd like to know why Ziggy and Huie would be hiding though. Is that what they do - head out to the backyard, then hide and wait and wait and wait for kids to walk through their backyard so they can make them walk the plank? How many kids go through backyards anyway? If the answer is a lot, then why is this route a "secret passage"? If the answer is almost none, then why bother hiding and waiting there?
So Archie and his pals head off through a few more yards, "surpassing the point where Archie had fallen into the bin of fertilizer the previous day." I'm sure we needed to know that detail.
Well, that's a pretty straightforward way to describe what the "secret passage" is, I gotta say.
None of the boys knew they were four backyards away from Huie's yard. So they know where one of the bullies lives, but not the other? Or were they not paying attention to where they were going? And what a clumsy way to describe their position. Did the author have a map in his head and feel that he needed to describe exactly where the people were located so we could tell?
Ziggy and Huie spot them, but aren't spotted in turn.
He and Huie quickly ran inside Huie's house, then came out with a rope soccer net. Hurriedly, they folded the soccer net over threefold and hid behind a cedar hedge. There, they waited patiently in ambush, hoping to use the soccer net as a means to capture the trio.
What else would they use the soccer net for? I'm glad the story told us, since there's no way the readers would have figured it out from the context. Especially that "Let's get them!" bit of dialog. It's rather vague.
Our heroes reach Huie's backyard.
It's important that you know the order the kids hopped the fence, ya know. Archie, then Billy, then Hank. Got it yet? There'll be a test later.
Also, how come they don't know or suspect Ziggy and Huie are nearby? They're in Huie's frigging backyard. They recognized Ziggy's backyard, but not Huie's? They know the neighborhood bullies, but only know where one of them lives, and not the other? Why? The book should at least explain this.
The bullies sneak up within four feet of the trio without being noticed (how?), and are about to trap them all in the net, when Archie happens to look behind him to talk to Billy and Hank. He spots the net, yells at them to look out, but it's too late. Billy and Hank are netted, and Ziggy and Huie push them to the ground and start punching them in the back.
Why is "Pirates" capitalized? Ziggy is still playing his dumb pretend game? And what an asshole, shouting meanly like that. He's so mean, with his mean shouting.
Archie was incensed two chapters ago, but this time he's enraged. You don't screw with Archie. While the bullies were totally ignoring him, he took the time to open his backpack, take out soapy water balloons and then crush them on the bullies' heads, presumably in a humiliating manner like two chapters ago, all while the bullies somehow didn't notice this was happening. The soap, which as we know from last chapter is totally harmless, ends up in their eyes, stinging and burning.
Pirates don't talk like that. And wasn't "pirate raid" what Ziggy was saying when he was attacking Archie? I guess that's what they call irony.
Both Ziggy and Huie became utterly furious. They got up and chased after Archie haphazardly, while still rubbing the soap out of their eyes.
"After the pirate!" Ziggy shouted, as the soapy water dripped down from his chin. "After him, take him prisoner for his crime!"
They're so utterly furious at the pain of the harmless soap stinging their eyes, that they continue to play pretend and refer to Archie as a pirate. Hell hath no fury like a Spanish naval captain squirted with harmless soapy water in the eyes.
Archie flees, while Billy and Hank escape from the soccer net. They quickly discover that their water balloons had been popped when the bullies jumped on their backs. So they take the soccer net and use that against Ziggy and Huie. They capture Huie, but Ziggy manages to avoid capture while chasing Archie up a tree.
Ziggy was unrelenting in his pursuit, and Archie started to get gravely concerned.
Archie is gravely concerned. He knows Ziggy will literally kill him.
Archie decides to walk on a limb of the tree that extends over Huie's in-ground swimming pool (okay, that's a distinctive thing for a house to have in its backyard; how again did these kids not recognize Huie's house?), and Ziggy chases him.
Of course, the limb breaks under both kids' weight, but Archie is able to jump onto the roof of Huie's house, while Ziggy falls down.
I wonder what that would have sounded like.
So Ziggy is your captain? You're addressing Ziggy with a formal title that places him over yourself, just after he tried to beat you up and you stopped him.
Archie rushes over to Billy and Hank and retrieves his water pistol and knapsack.
AND THE BULLIES WERE NEVER SEEN AGAIN.
No, literally. They're gone from the story, never to make another appearance after this point. They were one "episode" in the story, and the book shifts its focus now to something else. To what? You're about to find out. I will give it one point in its favor: when it shifts its focus, it begins to mix multiple subplots together, and stops being episodic.
Anyway, not as much stupid in this chapter, but I did start laughing when rereading it. Gifford Bailey is an amazing author.
Billyhank hive mind dialog count: 3
Crushing something on someone's head count: 4
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