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Of manly men, manly mons, and religious figures.
It's just dark. Tell me, do you also freak out like this when you wake up in the middle of the night? I inform the mysterious speaker that hey, it's 4:02 PM, and they curse the alarm clock that woke them up so late. To be fair, I'd do the same thing. And then the lights go on, and what.
My brain is working overtime trying to process why there's a bug-eyed monkey scientist in front of me, and what he's doing in the Pokémon world. Maybe once I've comprehended that, I'll be able to devote some mental processes to panicking.
His real name is Stan, though. He goes on to explain that people and Pokémon eat each other, and people who interact with Pokémon like someone of sound mind would do are told not to play with their food. But shorty, why are you so interested in these creatures if they're just destined to end up at the dinner table?
I'd like to ask the runt how people are expected to eat things like Grimer and Klink, but he has more pressing things on his mind, like finding out what my name is. Since this is Gold version, I'm playing as a dude by default. I pick out an appropriately masculine name.
Sadly, the seven character limit doesn't leave a lot of room for REAL MANLINESS, but I did the best I could. And then he used magical carrots to turn RAWFIST into a giant walking nose. Really.
This is not turning out to be an exceptionally good day for our hero. He goes downstairs, and his mom demands that he go talk to Stan in person to sort things out. But first, obligatory Pokégear tutorial!
Oh, and RAWFIST's family has been holding a mother and her son captive in the basement for three years. It's taken a toll on the child's mental state, and he's become an unashamed masochist.
There are a lot of things I could say about this situation, but in the interests of good taste, I'll keep my mouth shut. Right. Let's explore the world outside. This town's layout is edited a bit, but you can still tell it used to be New Bark Town.
"The place where guys in hats paint frogs blue." This is probably a good time to talk about this liveblog's title. As you have no doubt noticed by now, Obscure is, to put it bluntly, stupid. It's the sort of thing you often find associated with preteen girls on Facebook. You know, those◊. Just like those girls, Obscure uses non-sequiturs and strangeness for the sake of strangeness in a failed attempt to elicit laughter. It's not clever. It's not witty. It's just painfully and unrelentingly dumb. Yeesh, now I know why I called it quits so soon last time. -sigh- Back to the game.
A Pokémon got loose and broke the transmogrifier. Well, isn't that just dandy. But that's okay, because Jesus can change RAWFIST back! It's just a matter of traveling to meet him, so RAWFIST should choose a Pokémon for protection. The choices are Igglybuff, Machop, and Abra. I kind of want to pick Abra, to see how the obvious moveset problem is handled, but knowing my luck, the hacker didn't bother to handle it at all. Besides, Machop radiates an aura of pure manliness that RAWFIST can't resist. The rest of the scene plays out the same way it does in the original game, right down to Jesus having something to give to Stan.
Our first battle. Completely dull and not really worth noting, but I did want to show off Machop's nickname. Route 29's layout is altered quite a bit, but again, you can tell what it used to be. To my relief, the NPCs say their normal stuff. The next city, on the other hand, isn't changed at all; it's even still called Cherrygrove.
But the stupidity starts up again in no time. This guy is a Frenchman, and as he explains, that means he doesn't know much. But he can still pretend he knows everything, and so the tutorial begins. I didn't take a screenshot, but the guy claims Pokémon Centers use arcane machines and devil worship to heal mons.
Well, that's a relief. God forbid our devil worshippers be unpleasant people! The Poké Mart explanation is relatively sane, though it is mentioned that the game's villainous team is called Team Sponge. All the store's wares come from them.
Kids making out in the bushes. Next, the guy talks about the sea, making sure to point out that it is wet and salty.
And then he gave RAWFIST a map and made him promise to leave. To my relief, the rest of the NPC dialogue in Cherrygrove is mostly intact, except that "Gym" is now spelled "Jim" for no goddamn reason. Route 30 also sports a new layout. Interestingly, the battling roadblock NPCs are north of one of the trainers on the route, so RAWFIST gets to have his first trainer battle with a Bug Catcher. With that distraction taken care of, RAWFIST goes to visit Jesus. Maybe he'll forgive the ROM hacker for committing the sin that is this game.
Instead of the Odd Egg, Jesus hands over a shoe. It's sweaty and smelly and nasty.
Why is Bob the go-to name for people who are trying to be random? I don't get it. The hacker forgot to change some of the dialogue, so Bob suddenly starts talking about Professor Elm and Mr. Pokémon. For a moment, I can pretend I'm playing something better. Jesus doesn't change RAWFIST back or even mention anything about the nose predicament, so there's nothing more to do here except leave the house.
Yes, this hack is a disaster, but you didn't need to tell me that.
You wanna team up with me in a violent revenge plot? No? Maybe PUNCHDUDE can change your mind. Oinkers has a Machop too, but PUNCHDUDE just laughs and smashes its skull in. RAWFIST flees from the scene of the crime, and soon finds himself back at Stan's lab.
And we encounter a pig of another kind.* He doesn't seem to know about the violent act of Pokémurder that has just taken place in Cherrygrove, and is just here to investigate the break-in at the lab. RAWFIST, ever the helpful one, is happy to provide the thief's name.
After that's done, Stan takes the shoe and begins examining it, but RAWFIST interrupts with a declaration of his desire to become a Pokémon trainer and be the very best, like no one ever was. Stan is less than impressed, and laughs right in our hero's face. But he has the decency to explain what a trainer's career entails. If RAWFIST gathers the badges from the region's eight Jims, he'll earn the privilege of battling the Funny-Looking Three. And if he beats them, then he can battle Dran. Fallout City is the home of the closest Jim, so that's where RAWFIST should go after he talks to his mom.
No, but a nose can still be a good Pokémon trai- RAWFIST's mom laughs at him before he can finish. She does offer to hold on to some of his money for him, but RAWFIST, knowing she plans to spend it all on herself, refuses to send her any of his earnings.
Before RAWFIST leaves on his journey, he takes one last look at the basement-cave where the kidnapped family is forced to live. He vows to become stronger, so that one day he may rescue them from their underground prison.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take some painkillers and hope this idiocy-induced headache goes away soon. I'll see you later.
Make sure not to overdose on those painkillers.
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