We start out with a letter from Princess Celestia, asking Twilight and her friends to go check out a magical disturbance in the Everfree Forest. Deal with it if they could safely, or let her know if it's something requiring either her intervention, or busting out the Elements of Harmony for.
Nice introduction and good way to get things going quickly. Though, already seeing minor issues, the same issue twice in the letter.
even that of the Element of Magic. You, my most treasured pupil.
and your friends, the wielders of the Elements of Harmony,
Bit redundant using both terms for them. I really can't see Celestia referring to Twilight like that either, she always uses "my most faithful student" and very little else beside her name. And I could see her using either term for the rest of the Mane 6, but both? Again redundant. Also the first line after the letter
Twilight Sparkle hummed as she finished dictating the letter.
'Dictating'? That, that is not the right word there She's not having someone else write the letter as she speaks it so, yeah...
Anyway slight issues with word choice aside, a nice way to get things in motion quickly and believably. Though, given what we learn later about that disturbance, what it is, all that.. Celestia not having a better idea of what it is is a bit odd.
We step back to see the rest of the Mane 6, most acting like you would think. A nice establishing shot of them as Twilight asks if they are up to it, as if there was any doubt they'd say yes. Though the way AJ says yes is just a bit odd to me.
“I reckon if the Princess needs our help, it's our job to do so, ain't it?” Applejack said, replacing her hat. “As users o’ Elements of Harmony an’ whatnot? If this were somethin’ anypony else could do, she wouldn’t’ve asked us.”
Yeah that just sounds, off. The fic is really hammering home the "Elements of Harmony" angle, and I get why and what it means for the story but, this is a bit to heavy. I really can't see AJ, or any of them sans Twi possibly, linking there being Bearers to a reason to help, they'd help just because it's the right thing to do, regardless of the Elements. Given that with the exception of Discord, no task Celestia has given them, or asked of them, was tied to the Elements, but simply to who they are, it seems odd to emphasize this amongst themselves.
And we get the first clear change to the story, the group talks about what might be behind it, Discord being the first idea, though dismissed as the Princess would have known if he had escaped again and warned them. Then going on a list of other possible threats, all of which were added to the show after CEQ started, so got incorporated to the story in the rewrite. I like this, grounding it further to the show, and the reasons for it not being each one are legit. Though Sombra's reason should more likely be the whole being atomized thing then the "to far away" thing.
It takes Pinkie Pie to point out that instead of standing around trying to figure out what it could be, it would be faster to just GO there and see for themselves. Though they then get derailed pointing out how all the other "grand adventures" the group had been on that this reminded her of weren't real, just stories she'd read elsewhere. Twilight listing off a long list of reasons this wasn't going to be some "grand adventure"..... oh the irony...
“Aw phooey.” Pinkie pouted and swung her forelegs down in dejection. “I'll never get that Vorpal Sword...”
Okay it may still be a bit over done in terms of Pinkies fourth wall breaking, but, I still laughed at her antics. The particulars might be a bit not quite what I'd expect from her, but the overall feel is right. Also, foreshadowing!
They get set to go, Fluttershy doing the excepted "maybe I should stay here" which, really doesn't fit. She's gotten over that, she wouldn't leave her friends, and the main reason she was hesitant to go in Dragonshy was because it was a dragon, this isn't one. Plus, Twi's reason for wanting her to come, that the Princess mentioned the Elements specifically meaning they should all be there kind of falls apart when they would have to come back to town to tell the Princess they need the Elements and wait for her to get them to them before it would matter. For that matter, why isn't Spike going with them? It would make more sense, and let them contact Celestia much faster if they do need help.
It kind of feels like a minor Voodoo Shark. They need all of the Mane 6 to be where they are going, but by drawing attention to reasons for them not to go, or some of them stay back, it's just making it seem a bit odder and drawing attention to the fact that things are a bit off.
(Wow I seem to be really down on this, odd. Overall I do like it just, well like I said in the intro, the true brilliance in this fic is the OC's and worldbuilding, how the Mane 6 are portrayed has been one of it's weaknesses, and this is relatively minor.)
And cut to them at the disturbance. Okay, the Mane 6's reactions to what they found is rather good, Pinkie snapping pictures and talking about setting up a booth to sell tickets to see it, Rarity getting inspiration for some new designs, though commenting on how tacky some of the color choices in it are, AJ and Twilight just trying to figure out what it is. Plus the description of it is just great.
“I doubt it's a portal into the future Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow said, rolling her eyes. “That’s science-fiction junk. This is magic. It’s completely different stuff, right Twi?”
Not sure if I should facepalm, or chuckle.
Anyway, Twi decides to try and close it on her own, even warning the others to keep quite and that one wrong move or goof could be very very bad. But yeah this feels like Twi, wanting to do it on her own, not wanting to tell Celestia she needs help, prove she can, and truly believe she can. And it works... for a few seconds.. right up until Twi has to go and tempt fate by saying it was working, leading to it growing bigger and starting to suck everything nearby into it, including the Mane 6.
I really really like this scene, the Mane 6 fighting to avoid being drawn in, trying to pull each other out, the tug of war with the portal, and especially this part.
For a fleeting second, she thought that if she stopped trying to save them, maybe she could get away. Maybe she could find Princess Celestia and let her know what happened, and she could help. Twilight dashed those thoughts aside and stood firm, and with a fierce pull that made her horn sputter and fire off errant sparks into the wind, Fluttershy's tail lifted back out of the portal's rim.
Yeah the fic has some issues with the Mane 6 at times but, only some, it still nails them more often then not. And this is just perfect, really really liked this whole scene.
But of course, it all ends in failure and they end up getting sucked in.
We cut to another pony, Doctor Whooves in fact, running towards the Everfree, trying to lose a rather persistent mailpony who simply wants to give him a package that he never ordered. Okay, this bit was also changed and, I don't like it. The original was amazing, this version, yeah it just doesn't work for me. Originally, Derpy was trying to deliver a "Muffin of the Month club" package to D. Hooves. being Derpy, she totally missed seeing it was for her, and went for the other pony on her route that could mean, even missing the lack of a W in the name because, well Derpy. Finally after complaining about how she never got her packages from the MOTM club so he should be happy he was actually getting it, he realizes what was going on and makes her see who the package was really for. Here, he just pisses her off enough that she finally gives up. But, then they changed his name to Time Turner in the story, even though Doctor Hooves has ALSO been used by official sources to name him. Time Turner is just easier to trademark. Really, given he was never named in the actual show, this was a change that really was unneeded and just takes away a really brilliant scene from the story.
The whole point was that he is somehow able to control the portal the Mane 6 just got sucked into. Commenting as he was heading towards it that he was running late, that Derpy had distracted him far to much. He gets to the portal, and we get a pretty damn hilarious line.
Oh brilliant. Brilliant. Somepony has been tampering with this portal, and now it's just gone all sorts of haywire. Doesn’t anypony these days know how to just walk away from really strange fields of magic that can tear you apart at the molecular level? Honestly!
After getting it under control with some kind of watch, he walks up and starts scanning it, seeing what all got sucked in, stopping when he sees signs that six ponies had done so, commenting that there wasn't much he could do for them now, but that he should try to figure out where they had ended up.
Okay, really like this part to, and the whole character they have for him, name issues aside, he's not The Doctor, a somewhat similar character yes, but not at all the same, and I really do like this version. Plus, so hilarious a scene, though less so now.
Which leads us to the Mane 6 being swept away in a flow of magic, zooming through the black abyss between dimensions, unable to tell where they were going, what was going on, but, at least knowing that wherever it was, they'd be together. Even when the 'river' they were riding turned into a roller coaster, again loved the reactions from the mane 6 here. Eventually Twilight manages to use her magic to guide them to another portal, not caring where it went, hoping it went home but, simply needing to get off this path and somewhere
'Somewhere' is where they end up... landing in a pile of garbage... ewwwww. As they climb out of the trash, and off each other, and start trying to clean themselves off we start to notice, along with the ponies, somethings that are just, not quite right. First is a newspaper mentioning record high smog levels, something none of the ponies know what the hay it means. Eventually causing them to look around puzzled and finally look up at the sky....
A dark haze filled the few parts of the sky that could be seen through the crisscross of clotheslines and metal railings. Buildings covered in strange, unrecognizable metal colored in dull shades of brown, gray, red, and black, reached for the light above, their tips disappearing into the smog. The bright glow of the city filtered in through the occasional gap in the skyscrapers, contrasting with the relative darkness of the alley.
Well, this should be interesting. Really, this is a great opening and set up, really gets you interested, wanting to know more, just as lost as the ponies are and needing to keep reading to find out what the hell is going on. Also, another little nitpick.
... Pinkie said. “This is just like that movie where the stallion drove a car really fast and ended up in...
Okay, I thought they were toning down Pinkie's fourth wall stuff. Now, overall this sort of gag could work, just assume it's a pony movie version of it, they do have movie theaters after all. The issue is the word 'car'. There is nothing even close to that in Equestria, so, Pinkie even knowing what it is, let alone no one else asking WTF.. yeah that stretches things a bit to far. Though, I do love the next line.
“I don't suppose anypony has any theories as to where we are?” Twilight asked.
Pinkie raised a hoof into the air.
“Other than Pinkie Pie? It's obvious where we're not at least.”
That line is just pure gold. As well as the Mane 6's reactions to the new place, it was really well done, felt just like how they would react. Eventually they get around to leaving the garbage filled alley to try and explore, figure out just where they are. Stepping out into, what seems like a modern city overall.... if I didn't know better I might start getting worried this was our world, or a close approximation, they had come to, though nice set up for that possibility. Oh and just have to groan at the very very lame advertisement they come across.
“Introducing new Dolor Black! Great for a meal, or even a snack! It’s hip, it’s cool, it’s not wack! Better than White, it’s Dolor Black!”
That is, so, so bad. But, bad from an in story perspective and, yeah definitely something some dumbass marketing exec would think was a good idea.
Well we get at least some reprieve from the possibility of gangly, hairless monkies showing up, as we finally see other ponies, all acting much like any typical crowd of extras in a major city act. Even the pegasi flying in neat, packed rows above them. There attempts at getting information from other ponies fails spectacularly. Every pony they talk to acting not only rude, but almost offended or shocked when one of the Mane 6 talk to them. Well except the one Pinkie tries to talk to, that one ends up curled into a ball out of fear before rushing off in utter panic. And yet, I really love that scene, it's just so... Pinkie
“Pinkie, how was that supposed to help?” Rainbow asked as Pinkie bounded back over with a pleased grin on her face. “You scared that pony half to death!”
“Aww, no way Dashie. I can’t scare anypony! Scaring isn’t my thing.
<insert Fry macro here> Not sure of intentional foreshadowing, or just coincidence, but leaning towards intentional. Pinkie going on to say she really just wanted to make sure that all her tricks still worked in this new place, that she could do what she used to still.
They give up on asking ponies around them, heading off down the street, still trying to chat to other ponies, but getting rebuffed every time. Eventually getting to a more open area, where nearly everypony was starring at them, and not in a good way. Eventually Twilight bumps into some other pony.. probably just some random extra that will never be seen again, yeah no point in really paying attention to anything here just a random pony of no importance to the story at all. But, unimportant pony's reaction does finally make Twi realize just why everypony was acting so odd to them.
“I don’t have time to be buggering about with a bunch of... nudists! I’m late! Bloody tourists.”
To bad we'll likely never see her again, I kind of like her.
Well, now that she had a hint about what to look for, Twi realizes something some readers have picked up by now. That every single pony except the Mane 6 were wearing clothing of some kind. That was why they were getting such odd reactions. Though, I have to wonder just what the hell is with this world's need for clothing. It, really makes no sense. Modesty and all, fine, that would work except, well, we see that there really isn't any point to the clothing half the time. They are fine wearing just a shirt, vest, something around their chest and barrel, not requiring something covering the only parts that actually have a possible reason to be covered. It's like someone taking those "No Shirt, no shoes, no service" signs literally. Wearing shoes and a shirt, but not wearing any pants, and everyone being fine with that. Just, doesn't really make sense to me.
And, we end the chapter with the Mane 6 getting surrounded by the cops. Oh and nice little bit here, not sure if it was changed from the original, but when they first hear the sirens coming for them, RD grabs Pinkie and tries to fly away, telling everypony to run for it. The nice part is it gives a subtle hint to RD and Pinkie's relationship in this, I like how it was set up. Anyway, Twi tells them all to settle down and cooperate with the cops.
“I wouldn't want this to get disagreeable. Besides, they're authority figures here. Police? They can help us...” She gulped. “Right?”
Riiiiiiiiight........ You all are so bucked.
Thoughts- Well despite my nitpicking, this is a very good overall start. Not sure JUST how much has been changed, other then the Doctor Whooves thing and the list of villains, but it does feel very well done. Outside of the first scene the Mane 6 felt very in character. Even in that scene it wasn't that bad, just, a bit off. For most of the rest, they feel very very real, very much themselves. Of course the parts where they really started to act OOC aren't till later, so we'll see. This is a nice start, it's not really all that amazing, but it is enough to get you interested, get you hooked into finding out just what is going on. This is a story that takes a little bit to pick up steam, but, once it does, whoooo boy is it epic.
So great start to great story.
Oh and really was great noticing Tick Tock this time around, I love little things like that, things that you just might not notice till the second time around that make things all fall together all the better, little hints, cameo's, tiny things that help build everything up, but are subtle enough you might miss them if you don't know what you are looking for.
Oh and one thing I wish I had done during my FOE liveblog was look at the chapter titles and how they related to the chapter. Given the theme of the titles here, could be interesting. "Inception" really, movie memes aside, this is pretty straight forward, 'Start' 'beginning' etc... so not much beyond that but, we'll see.
Comments
- Liarjack face*
