-Morgi sits at a booth in a small diner, dressed in a suit and tie. She speaks into a tape recorder, as a waitress brings a slice of pie.-
This is Special Agent Morgan Miller. On assignment here in the year 1990. It's the dawn of a new decade, and a show called "Twin Peaks" is on the air. Created by film director David Lynch, it's an interesting blend of soap opera parody and crime drama, with a dash of supernatural horror and Mind Screw galore. A far more interesting world than that preachy piece of crap "Cartoon All Stars To The Rescue". Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to partake in some damn fine pie.
Sheriff Harry S. Truman: "Excuse me, 'Agent' Miller. Don't you have some place to be?"
Morgikit: "I don't want any trouble, Sheriff."
Truman: "Then I suggest you be on your way soon. You have a 'live blog' to finish, whatever that is."
Morgikit: "You don't know what I'm about to face! The child in me is scared stiff of this next segment! And the adult in me can't take another minute of being talked down to! If I'm stuck in a world that makes no sense, I'd much rather live in yours."
Agent Dale Cooper: "You can't. You don't belong in this time or place. Besides, in 1990 you're only six years old. Not exactly Bureau material, don't you agree?"
Morgikit: -is suddenly a six year old girl- "How did-oh yeah, 'Mind Screw galore.' But I still don't want to." -pouts-
Cooper: -pats her on the head as Full House Music plays- "Sometimes we all have to do things that come with risks, and that can be scary. But running and hiding isn't the answer. You'll make it through if you just keep the fear from your mind."
Morgikit: -music cuts out- "Oh, sweet Luna! The anviliciousness is following me to this world too! Fine, I'll finish what I started, Agent Cooper. Can I finish the desert first though?"
Cooper: "Certainly."
Morgikit: -finishes her desert and exits the diner-
Cooper: "Her path is a strange and difficult one."
Truman: "I'll take your word for it, Coop. What the hell is a live blog anyway?"
The Log Lady: "Did someone say 'log'?"
—-
Well, that was an odd little distraction. Hope someone besides me enjoyed it. Anyway...
Michael finds himself walking through a hall full of funhouse mirrors with Alf. He insists that he looks fine, but the alien points out that it's hard to see some problems without an outside perspective. They come to what appears to be a normal mirror.
Alf: "What do you see?"
Michael: "I see me."
Alf: -blows whistle- "Wrong! Flag on the play! Ten point penalty!" -spins the mirror around, and Michael's reflection looks older and worn out
with pale skin and yellow eyes that make him look more like a zombie than your average junkie-
Michael: "Who's that?"
Alf: "Well it's not Freddy Kruger!'
I guess it's a mirror that reflects how you're seen by the people around you. Maybe Alf borrowed it from a 70s educational short film? He tries to tell Michael that Smoke isn't his friend. He just wants control over him. But Michael is so deep in denial he is likely to be eaten by a mummy. (Hey, it's no worse than the humor in this special.)
Michael: "I can quit if I want to. I'm in charge of my life."
Alf: "Wrong! Not if you're on drugs!"
I'm not sure how to feel about this. If someone has a problem like addiction, shouldn't we encourage the idea that you are (or at least should be) in charge of your life?
Alf: "If you don't believe me, talk to the man in charge!"
They come to the end of the hall and find a door marked "THE MAN IN CHARGE". Michael opens it, revealing an office with a chair behind a desk. The chair spins around...
Smoke: "Hi Mikey." -laughs maniacally as his face changes to a skull-
Shut your eyes, kids! Whatever happens, keep them-
Corey: "Michael?"
Back in Michael's room, Corey enters (apparently not too traumatized by the near assault last time she did) to find him gone. The metal box is on the floor in plain sight. Smoke appears, introducing himself as her brother's friend, and encouraging her to open it. Pooh's suggestion that this is a bad idea is dismissed with Smoke stuffing him in a cabinet. She opens the box without a second thought. Well, that settles it. Stupidity runs in this family. Have you ever seen a more suspicious looking character?
Meanwhile, Michael is running through some sort of evil amusement park. Everything tries to kill him. You've got a roller coaster that nearly runs him over, a boat ride where he almost drowns, and even a "test your strength" type carnival game where the prize is death! I'm not going to focus much on this part because it's pointless. Nobody's learning anything. They're just fucking with us at this point.
He escapes the various death traps and comes to a tent with a sign reading "See Your Future". Instead of it exploding when he enters, we find Daffy Duck inside dressed like Zoltar from Big. But instead of granting wishes, he's here to show Michael's future through a crystal ball.
Back in Michael's room (again) Smoke convinces Corey that if she smokes weed with her big brother, they'll be close like she wanted to be. She reaches for the box...
Michael points out Daffy is looking at a bowling ball. ("That would explain why I saw a 7-10 split!") They find the real crystal ball, which begins to glow as we zoom in.
The vision is only 5 seconds at the most, but it haunted my imagination for years. A bright light shines down on a flat surface. On the surface (perhaps a table), an older zombified Michael lies with a blank stare, his body twitching.
What is this? What the fuck are we seeing?! Is it some kind of creepy future hospital? Is he doing rehab in Arkham? Is it a morgue or a funeral home and he's preparing to rise from the dead for the zombie apocalypse? WHAT?!!
-pants- Keep the fear from my mind...keep the fear from my mind...okay, let's continue.
Michael is shocked too, it seems. The rest of the toons appear and tell him one last time that his drug problem could very well kill him, and that all he really needs is to believe in himself. A door appears, and he walks through it...
...just in time to take the box away from Corey. He realizes he was a fool, and doesn't want her making the same mistakes he did. She pleads with him to stop also, and tells him she'll do whatever she can to help. When Smoke tries to manipulate him again, it doesn't go as planned.
Smoke: "Listen to me, Mikey-"
Michael: "I think I've listened to you long enough!" -tosses him out a window and into a nearby garbage truck-
Smoke: "You can't get rid of me this easily!" -the truck drives away- "I'll be back! You can bet on it!"
Michael and Corey agree that when he returns, they'll be ready. As do the toons, who are now all on a poster on the wall for some reason. Except for Pooh, who joins them after the kids let him out of the cabinet before going to talk to their parents.
During the end credits, a reprise of the earlier song plays. Basically the message is that someday you'll grow up and outgrow cartoons (Spoiler alert: Bullshit). But that's okay, as long as you remember to believe in yourself...and say "no" to drugs.
I realize what these people were trying to do when they made this. And regardless of your opinions on marijuana, I think we can all agree that there's dangerous stuff out there we should warn children about. But are scary commercials (like the ones I've been linking to) and preachy cartoons the best way to go about it? Sure, I saw them and didn't get into drugs, but people also told me about the real dangers associated with them, none of which had to do with zombies or ghosts. So, maybe instead of trying to shock kids or talk down to them, we could be honest with them? Give them access to the facts, so they can learn how to make decisions for themselves, instead of doing whatever (insert authority figure) tells them. That's what being grown up is about: educating yourself and making your own decisions.
Thanks for reading.
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