Moar Feature Box
Oh, hello everyone! Let's take a look at Fimfiction's Feature Box again!
Today's story is called "Spike's Birthday Beach of Paradise." It's tagged Romance, Comedy, and Anthro. The description:
When Spike turns 16, the start of Dragon puberty, Twilight and Rarity launch a present for the ages.
I can barely read that! I have no idea why "Dragon" is capitalized but "puberty" isn't! I forgot how proper nowns work!
Also, the character tags are Spike, the Mane 6, the CMC, Princess Luna, and Princess Cadance.
Anthro Spike harem! That's new!
I'm sorry. Did I say "Anthro"? I meant "Boobs."
Let's begin!
If it wasn't Spike, Twilight would have never have brought up the idea. The beach was one of Spike's favorite places: the cool water against his skin felt so terrific, the warm sand to lay upon. Girls in bikinis.
Wow! These sentences are terrible! There shouldn't be a colon! The clauses are jumbled together. I mean, "the warm sand to lay upon," after an independent clause in such a way that it's, like, supposed to be a list but just reads awkwardly? And then the last sentence is a fragment! And I think that the first sentence should be "If it weren't Spike"! I can't wait to see how the prose handles the porn!
Hahahahahahaha yeah I'm done with this story now. I have a thing to go do.
Comments
IcyShake
Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 3rd 2014 at 8:29:13 PM
Interestingly enough, I don't think I can say that anthro Spike harem is new to me, since there was one ("Spiked") in "John Perry vs. the Featured Box" last week. Granted, it was also tagged "slice of life," which frankly it sounds like this one probably could have been too.
In my unbounded charity to the author, I'll offer that the colon could be made to work, given a few other changes. Try "For several reasons, the beach was one of Spike's favorite places: the cool water against his skin, the warm sand to lay* upon. Girls in bikinis." I even think that the last sentence as a fragment would have worked as a means of emphasizing the final item if the first phrase after the colon had been one as well, matching the other two, rather than an independent clause as it presently exists.
- Using the right verb, lie, would naturally improve the sentence, but has little bearing on the appropriate punctuation.
