Chapter 2.
Luna stepped forward and took a sip of her chocolate milk, then leaned forward to kiss Harry's unresponsive lips, using the action to transfer the chocolate milk from her mouth to his. Then she stroked his neck to urge the fluid down his passage without choking him.
Lupin bursts in and asks what happened.
And wait, what? Why does the Dementor try to kiss Harry? Dementors don't just go around kissing people because 'cause. It's the wizarding equivalent of the death penalty, something they only do if A. ordered to, or B. if it's someone they want to destroy. They were going to do it to Sirius (and did do it to Barty) because he was an escaped convict and they decided he couldn't be interned at Azkaban. The Dementors feed on happy emotions and everyone hates them, but the idea that they'd just randomly attack a student for no reason is ridiculous. Harry had a bunch of encounters with the Dementors that year, and none of them tried to kiss him.
Nothing in this story makes sense.
"The Patronus charging up the hall seemed to help as well," Luna mused, then pondered aloud. "I wonder what happens to a dementor if it's forced to drink chocolate milk?"
This fic's version of Luna is all kinds of terrible. We've only just gotten started.
Hermione broke down crying on the spot.
Luna began calmly writing.
I'm terribly sorry. I feel I should apologize to Somber - and Kkat, for that matter - for comparing them with the bottom of the barrel. This was not my intention.
So the train proceeds. A seventh-year throws Draco Malfoy off of the moving train as it crosses a bridge. The seventh-year apparently isn't expelled for brutally assaulting/attempting to murder a student. Three students, actually, as Crabbe and Goyle are thrown off afterwards.
More on Draco and the abuse this story heaps on him later. It's actually rather disgusting.
He was met at the front steps by Dumbledore, who'd been alerted by owl, and the old man immediately examined him and pronounced, "Harry is still alive, if only barely. Quickly, we have little time to waste."
"We're losing him, Albus!" she proclaimed, once the latest potions had failed to take hold and change his condition.
"I think not," the Headmaster calmly replied, raising one arm and calling, "Fawkes!"
The phoenix appeared in a burst of fire, settled on the head of Harry's hospital bed, and began crooning. The boy immediately settled and started showing signs of improvement.
Moments later Pomphrey confirmed that the crisis had passed, and that the phoenix song seemed to have started a recovery. Albus fondly patted his shoulder, and spoke to the school nurse, "Continue in your care, Poppy. I shall leave Fawkes to keep young Harry company through the night. I feel sure that phoenix song will prove to be the cure needed."
Luna excused herself early to go wandering off into the Forbidden Forest. When she came back, she had a unicorn calmly trotting at her heels, which she led directly into the hospital wing, and which curled up around Harry, nurturing him and licking him like a young foal.
As it did, the chill seemed to break. And that, combined with the phoenix song, seemed to make all of the difference.
And yeah, author, it's "Pomfrey," not "Pomphrey." Oops.
The banner headline read, "Ministry Guardians Attempt To Murder Potter!"
The article below that read, "Guardians appointed by the Ministry to protect Harry Potter, Boy-Who-Lived, from escaped murderer Sirius Black, tried to kill him themselves last night, delivering the dreaded dementor's kiss after stopping the Hogwarts train and incapacitating our…"
Luna's only comment on seeing the front page was to remark that her father must not have had space to publish the story she wrote in the Quibbler due to his ground breaking theory about murtlap poisonings, and so sold it to the Prophet.
The housemate she'd mentioned this to stared down at the byline in frank disbelief to note that, indeed, that article had been written by none other than Luna Lovegood.
Well, nothing really, but we'll see what the author tries to pass off as conflict in a bit. Harry wakes up fine, and then we get, well...
You see, the darndest thing happened. I thought this had already gone up, but it didn’t. So I lost the update. Liveblog updates have a character limit, it seems. I was gonna give a bit of a TL;DR about what makes a protagonist likable and why this version of Harry isn’t, but I’m not going to do that. In a sense, it really isn’t fair for me to beat on an author who can’t defend themselves. I mean, Kkat and Somber read this blog, and are totally free to respond in the comments if they feel I’ve misrepresented something. In any case, I’m upfront. Skysaber, to my knowledge, isn’t aware of this blog, and thus I am doing everything behind his back. So in the interest of fairness, I am simply going to copypaste the entirety of this passage, with no comments until the very end. This way, his work is fairly presented and it is up to you, the reader, to determine whether you think it is good or bad.
Harry himself was ill prepared for conflict. Having been maltreated and abused his entire life, he did not have a strong sense of self to rely on.
If the blood magic of his mother's sacrifice had been functioning properly, a victory by Voldemort's soul fragment would have been impossible. As it was, however, that sheltering protection had been so weakened by Petunia's hate that it was only enough to drive off the first few initial assaults, delaying the dark lord's triumph over Lily's child.
The 'initial charge' of Lily's sacrifice had been largely used up in Harry's first year, destroying Quirrel. What was left was enough to flummox the surprise attack by Voldemort's soul and turn it into a protracted struggle. But that was scarcely any guarantee of victory as Harry's mind had to learn to defend itself on no warning, finding itself thrust into battle where it had to fight for it's very survival from behind steadily disintegrating shields.
And it was not exactly well-outfitted to do so. Having discovered much about his parents that summer gave Harry a sense of belonging for the first time ever, really, and having studied so long and hard had done something for compensating his prior weakness, proving he had a drive if only he wanted to use it. Those tools, inadequate though they were, were all he had to do battle with in the surprising conflict of wills that sprang up.
On the other hand, he was not fighting against Tom Riddle's whole soul, only a portion of it, and a small portion at that. Plus, Harry's soul had a home turf advantage, in that this was HIS body, and its magic core responded to HIM!
However, he was hampered seriously enough by other issues that would not have been enough of an advantage. Harry was vastly inexperienced in the field of mental combat, and Voldemort was a pure expert. In the end, Harry was only able to hold out, and poorly at that, until relief came. It was the phoenix song provided by Fawkes that made the difference, strengthening the good, while simultaneously weakening the bad, as it was prone to do.
Still, the ravages of Voldemort's soul fragment could and would have crippled the boy but for the nurturing presence of Luna's unicorn. Phoenix song did a great deal of good, but that alone was not enough. Harry's background made him so weak to start with, while Voldemort had such an edge on strength and experience, that phoenix song alone could not guarantee Harry's triumph. It could only equalize them, and it was the unicorn that did the rest, providing him not only the strength to fight on, but enough mental energy to copy the various tools, tactics and weapons Riddle's soul fragment had been using and turn them back against his assailant.
Actually, the prophecy may have had a hand in that. Voldemort was supposed to "mark him as an equal," not give him a guarantee of Harry's destruction.
And, it was through this odd experience that equality was achieved.
As Voldemort's soul fragment dissolved under the attacks by Light energies upon it, the personality of it was utterly vanquished, while the skills and abilities simply went fluid and became absorbed by the victor, in this case Harry, making him, at last, Voldemort's equal in a very magical way.
The boy had also done a substantial amount of growing up, mentally speaking, as part of their conflict. Underdeveloped places in Harry's mind had been a favored target of the dark lord, as weaker than all others. The only effective counter for those attacks had been to develop those weak points until they were as strong as the others, even if he'd had no other option but to copy the pattern for those developments out of Voldemort's own mind.
Healing magic and the nature of phoenix song and unicorn nurturing had made subtle changes, suppressing the dark, so he was still very much Harry. But it was a much more adult Harry in mind than he'd ever been before, or would likely have become given the conditions he'd been kept under.
Just like an ordinary war takes immature farm boys and turns them rapidly into men, the close and intense nature of the conflict had caused Harry to develop far more rapidly than normal, and overcome emplaced blocks upon his mind and magic, as those, too, had been favorite targets of his enemy, weak points that could not be allowed to remain if he was to survive.
His survival had mandated such development. It had not been optional, there had been no room for weakness, and no mercy from his enemy in that fight. There was nothing too dirty for Voldemort to do, no tactic dishonorable if it gave him the slightest advantage. So Harry's mind had been forced to fortify itself in every particular, and now he was, truly, the dark lord's equal.
Harry had his enemy's power, but he had also gained Tom Riddle's memories, recalling people, places and objects unknown to him before. It gave him some insights having seen into the dark lord's character, but also revealed Tom's secrets.
Although, while their skills and abilities were equal, their circumstances in life certainly were not. Voldemort had enacted several dark rituals to empower him to greater than ordinary levels, granting him additional abilities. He also preferred Dark magic over Light, so many of his skills were things that Harry could not ever bring himself to do. His horcruxes were one such advantage, something that Harry wouldn't ever bring himself to duplicate.
However, Voldemort was also presently a wraith without a body.
Harry had a body, which would seem to grant him an advantage. But, as if to compensate for that, there was Voldemort's cadre of followers, and the so-called Light side working so very hard to keep Harry under tight control, effectively imprisoning him.
Aside from followers, the Dark Lord and Harry's circumstances were, while not being identical, almost surprisingly equal. Both had substantial restriction placed on their actions, and neither had access to most of Riddle's powers at the moment. Harry, because he would not use them, and Voldemort because he could not.
It was dawn before Tom Riddle's soul fragment was entirely dissolved, and it took until noon for Harry's mind to accept and integrate the new skills, then finally adapt to the change, which it had to do before it could wake up.
So we have an epic battle between souls, a struggle of wills and shit between Harry Potter and the fragment of Voldemort's soul. It's a grueling, intense conflict, one that forces Harry to grow and mature and ultimately come out stronger than he was before, both in his character and in his powers.
Except that doesn't actually happen. We don't see it. We're just told that it happens. One scene Harry is comatose, and the next he's up and at him. There has been no meaningful conflict here. There has been no character growth or development. The author has simply given Harry new powers and an attitude rewrite with a very wanky wall of exposition. Because that's what this is: exposition. We will find that the author likes to give exposition instead of meaningful character interaction or development. In fact, we will read author's notes where he basically says that he prefers exposition to actual development.
This is not a story. This is a summary. Cliff notes. A masturbatory power fantasy with no meaning to anyone but the author.
Harry found himself enveloped in a Hermione-hug before he'd even reached the Gryffindor table. "How did you get released? You'd better not have snuck out! Madam Pomphrey, I'm sure, would want to look you over for longer than she..."
Harry interrupted his best friend's rant with a laugh, before picking her up by her waist and bodily swinging her around, to which she responded with a startled yet happy squeal.
Placing her back down again, Harry answered, "Yes, Hermione, I got released. Professor Dumbledore said if I could go out and circulate with my friends it would probably help me get better, faster. Happiness is the antithesis to a dementor's powers, and no one is happy stuck in a hospital bed."
Now, this story is "Harry with a backbone." Let's see what this "backbone" is.
Harry accepted it to look over, then frowned. "Professor, I don't see many of the classes I requested."
"Yes, well, Mister Potter, I'm afraid your request came too late..." their Head of House started.
"No. It didn't," Harry interrupted. "According to Hogwarts founding charter, I have two weeks into the term to decide whether or not to change classes. I first gave you notice weeks ago in the summer, then again a couple of days ago." He handed back the list. "Please return with my correct schedule."
His friends were both staring at him, shocked to find him so assertive.
Minerva shifted uncomfortably. "Yes. Well, Mister Potter, I'm afraid the Headmaster declined to grant your appeal..."
"The Headmaster hasn't got any authority to do anything of the kind," he shot back. "No appeal was necessary, because the request for change was made in an orderly and appropriate manner, which neither he nor you could dismiss without just cause. Since you have named no cause, none exists. So, if you could correct my schedule, please? Until then, I'll use Hermione's."
McGonogall agrees to let Harry see the Headmaster and goes off.
Harry just shrugged. "I don't want to take Divination, as I'd rather take the same courses my mom did before I was born. They sound more useful, and I'm no longer interested in easy grades."
Ron started shaking his head. "You're giving up an easy O, you know that?"
Also, given that Harry and Ron had to bullshit their way through homework and then flunked on their O.W.L. in the class, I think that the “easy grade” thing doesn’t make sense.
"Ah, Harry. Come in! Lemon drop?" the Headmaster offered.
Also, how does that work? He got out of the hospital wing at noon. It is now evening and the sun has gone down. Given that this is in September, what, would that be around eight o’clock? So let’s think of all the things that needed to happen in order for this to work:
1. Harry needs to get a transfer form to send to Beauxbatons. He either needs to know French or he needs an English-language form.
2. If this is anything like the real world (granted, it isn’t) then he’ll need things like a transcript and other paperwork.
3. He needs to fill and file the paperwork, along with a letter.
4. He needs to send the letter, via Hedwig, to Beauxbatons over in France. Unless they have other offices, that would be very difficult, seeing as Beauxbatons is Unplottable, meaning it can’t be found on a map and thus Harry is going to have a hell of a time finding it.
5. Hedwig needs to fly from Scotland to France.
6. Madame Maxine and the Beauxbatons staff need to receive, read, review, and approve the paperwork, in addition to whatever duties they already have.
7. They need to send the letter back with Hedwig, who then needs to fly from France to Scotland.
And all of this happened in one day.
Now, people, I want you to read it closely, and please comment. I want to know at precisely which moment you found yourself wishing for Harry to be punched in the face.
Harry almost snorted. That was a counterattack, an aggrieved 'Oh, you don't trust me, after all I've done for you?! How COULD you be so ungrateful?' But he could play counterattack himself now.
"Only two full years of abuse of that trust, Headmaster. You've never once acted to protect me in any meaningful way. The home you arranged for me is a hell on earth, and to make certain that I'd never lived a day without fear, you made sure you kept your own pet Death Eater at school to keep up my daily portion of abuse." Harry stated in a level voice, before leaning forward to place his second scroll on the desk and produce a quill. "In fact, in light of that, I think I'll just sign this right now."
Harry successfully fought off a smirk. He KNEW that wasn't what the old coot was prepared to do when Harry was admitted to his office!
You know, I don't think canon Dumbledore would act like this. He'd probably be more like, "Well, if you're absolutely certain that this is what you feel is best, then by all means that is your right." And then Harry gets confused.
Dumbledore's face had gone exceptionally grave indeed. "What is it you want, Harry?"
"Are you really that BLIND?" Harry asked in disbelief. "How about not killing me, for a change? Let's cut back on the torture, how about that? Snape is the single worst teacher in the history of this school! I know! I checked! He has fewer graduates who make worse grades overall, and his unprofessional behavior is unprecedented in the history of magical education! Keeping him on staff makes Hogwarts a joke! You'd get better results and less cruelty if you had Grindelwald teaching in there!"
Dumbledore sighed, leaned back, and folded his hands. "What would appease you, Harry?"
The boy stood tall. "Withdraw your protection from Severus Snape. I want dementors sucking out his soul for all he's done. Nothing less would satisfy me. He helped kill my parents and needlessly tortured me. He must pay, and you are the only person keeping him from doing that."
Nodding, the boy raised his inked quill to sign the transfer scroll without further comment, only to be interrupted.
"But perhaps I can offer a compromise by withdrawing him from his post at Hogwarts, and provide him employment elsewhere." Dumbledore ventured.
"That removes a negative. It fails to provide a positive," Harry spoke without raising his head from the parchment where his quill stood poised.
"Perhaps I can take care of canceling that scroll for you?" Dumbledore held out a hand hopefully.
"No." Harry shook his head. "It's good until next year, and I'd really rather keep my options open in case you decide you'd really rather not live up to your end of our deal, or in case you pull some other stunt that demands a change. So I'll just hold onto it."
Dumbledore's face, which had been hopeful, fell.
His expression collapsed further when Harry stood, and saying, "Oh, and I was the one to recover this, not you," took the sword of Gryffindor, and left the office.
And of course, we leave off with an author's note.
And that's the first two chapters of Partially Kissed Hero. That was more involving than I thought it would be. I thought it'd be an easy target, but I guess that with a flawed-but-not-awful story like Fallout: Equestria or Project Horizons there isn't quite as much to say. I mean, there were updates on the FOE thing where I didn't have as much material 'cause I liked the chapter enough that I didn't see all that much to make fun of.
Something like this is more inclusive, to the point where every single paragraph is so terrible you can stop and say what's wrong with it.
I think that's enough of this for now. Talk about shit.
Comments
over on Bash.org, in which somebody took excerpts from Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone and replaced the word "wand" with "wang". This amused me, so I did the same to literally every use of the word throughout the entire series.
And that's how, despite not even being a Harry Potter fan, I came to know everything about it and also burned myself out on it pretty well, explaining why I really don't have much to say about these blog posts.
