Live Blogs Pannic Reads Stuff He Hates

Pannic2013-09-25 22:23:38

So I've been reading more Rose Potter. I've cleared Chamber of Secrets, Prisoner of Azkaban, and now I'm on Goblet of Fire. It is not pretty. But still, let's stay on ponies.

Let's make this easy - just grab a shitty story from the Fimfiction feature box and make fun of that. Thankfully, there are no foalcon fics in the box right now. Thank goodness. Seriously, are there really that many pedophiles in the fandom? That's fucking messed up.

So today's number is something called My Little Slave: Submission is Magic. No doubt inspired by all that King Sombra/Twilight Sparkle shipping & porn that's going on, mainly from that one artist who's running a tumblr devoted to the ship and did some porn comic also titled "My Little Slave." Well, at least we know where the inspiration for this comes from. And the previous cover art, which was changed to something else.

Gyeh. There are few titles less original than "My Little _______" I tell ya, if you want to write a story where it's the title that catches the eye, you do not want to go with variants on "My Little _______" Not unless the thing you're putting in the blank is very, very eye-catching.

So this thing is in two chapters and it's a clopfic, though it has yet to get to any sex.

The first chapter is called "The Proposition."

So... wait, what is this? Is this an alternate version of events with the whole Crystal Empire thing in the season 3 premiere? Or is it something way in the future? If it's further in the future shouldn't there be some kind of establishment about Sombra being back, given he kinda, well, died at the end of "The Crystal Empire"?

Fuck, I'm one fucking paragraph into here and I'm confused.

So okay, the best I can gather is that... King Sombra is alive again and he's after the Crystal Empire. Again. And the story opens with the mane six and Princess Cadence just kinda milling around waiting and not being able to do anything.

And then Spike runs in and he's all on about how King Sombra is breaking against the barrier the barrier. Everyone is panicking and the Crystal Ponies are in disarray, but Twilight has an idea.

Ha ha. It's funny because this is a clopfic and that can be taken as an innuendo. Get it? "It can be taken as"? Ha ha.

Of course, everyone thinks it's a terrible idea, but Twilight convinces them through with the argument that the story needs to keep the plot going. Actually it's 'cause they need to protect the Crystal Ponies and talking to him might be the only way to ensure their safety. So they go up to Shining Armor and ask him to lower the barrier... even though it was Cadance who was powering the barrier...

Is there a particular reason she doesn't tell them what the plan actually is? Oh yeah, it's a trope.

So King Sombra waltzes on up.

Is there a reason they had to let him in? Couldn't they have met him outside? I guess they figured they'd do better if they weren't freezing to death.

So they get him to come out of hulking shadow form into regular old pony- wait, no... this has an anthro tag.

"I could honestly care less." You know, if you're going to be making your characters so they speak in all grandiose "proper" speak 'n' shit, it kind of helps if their speech is actually proper. "Could care less" isn't the correct term. While I'm on the subject, people should also stop writing "could of," "should of," etc. That doesn't mean anything. It's "could have," and the contraction is "could've." It's not hard, people.

But anyway, Twilight continues.

War? Has there seriously been an entire war going on? Like, does Sombra have armies and stuff? Did he team up with Queen Chrysallis or something?

So Twilight basically convinces him that they're not gonna stop fighting so it's best if he just walks off with a boobie prize rather than continue spending effort on this.

And then writing and rereading this I got so bored I started looking up "They Both Reached For the Gun" from various productions of "Chicago" trying to figure out what Billy Flynn's highest note is. Conflicting results. In the original production with Jerry Orbach, the highest note is an A. The film version with Richard Gere lowers it down to a G, though it also transposes some of the other songs. I find most of the stage productions on Youtube have it in a key where the highest note is a G. Personally I kinda prefer it at that because it means I could conceivably sing it someday. I mean, I can sing both of his other songs, which fit very neatly into the baritone range, but then there's this song that pops into tenor.

Sorry, I just started sperging there, now back to something that isn't as good as Chicago.

So Sombra decides he'll go quietly, as long as he gets Twilight Sparkle as a slave. Which, after some anguish, she agrees to. Of course, she wants it in writing. So Sombra conjurs up a contract.

read through it is content. Yes, I am that petty.

Rather unimaginative contract, I must say. Also, doesn't "personal needs" cover a pretty wide range of stuff? I mean, that might already cover the cooking and bathing thing.

You know, I don't really see the need for us to read the contract ourselves. I mean, we could just be told that this is a contract where she signs away her life as a slave. I mean, think of The Little Mermaid - we were shown a long piece of paper that Ariel had to sign, but we weren't walked through the whole damn thing. That would've gotten in the way of the fucking song. The contract doesn't give us any information we wouldn't already get - we don't need to be filled in on what it's gonna require her to do, because... she's a slave. In these kinds of stories that tends to mean "you do whatever the guy tells you. Also sex." So it's pretty much nothing but fluff and when you actually show us the contract and it's really short and boring, it kinda takes away the mystique, and it's not as believable as a contract, because generally the contracts you sign like that tend to have tons of legalese and stuff in them.

So anyway, she signs the dumb contract and Sombra gives her a map of where to go starting the next day. So Sombra leaves, the peasants celebrate, and the characters are all "shit, that really happened" and they're all worrying about what's going to happen to Twilight.

And so the chapter ends with Twilight facing the fact that she's going to be a slave. And that's as far as I'm recapping today.

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