Sorry for the delay on this one. Stressful stuff came up.
So this chapter is titled "The Attempted Assassination," in contrast to "Quidditch" from the book. Well, it's not as much of a spoiler as "The Duel That Never Happened."
Oh, and another thing I didn't mention earlier - I checked the dates. Turns out this was first posted way back in 2004, so this started before Half-Blood Prince. You know, there's something really depressing about me reading this now after it's been on the internet for almost a decade.
So anyway, annoyance is off to an early start, as Rose is prancing around the dormitory naked again.
“Really,” sighed Hermione, “aren’t you cold? How does only wearing slip slops keep you warm? And you’re not even getting chicken skin? And the coal heater hardly helps.”
“Well,” I said with a smirk while sitting cross-legged on my bed working on my Charms essay, “in addition to the slops I’m wearing numerous Warming Charms that I researched, especially with winter in mind. Should also come in handy for flying in icy weather during Quidditch.”
My friend rolled her eyes and started on her own work.
So things continue more or less as canon, with Rose getting Quidditch Through the Ages as Harry had. Of note, there's this paragraph, which is copied from canon.
Oh, and then this sentence is added.
Thank you for that, Rose. That sentence didn't really contribute anything, except to dull the humor by explaining the joke in detail.
You know, it's funny. The original book is a childrens' book. Like, for eight-year-olds. This fanfic is ostensibly meant for older, more mature, more intelligent readers. Why is it, then, that the book written for children treats me less like a dumb kid than the fanfic does? The book didn't feel the need to spell out every single fucking detail.
So Rose, Hermione, and Ron are in the courtyard warming themselves by a fire, and Snape comes along and confiscates Rose's book, as he did in canon.
“It’s Quidditch through the Ages, Professor,” I answered.
“Library books are not to be taken outside the school,” said Snape. “Give it to me. Five Points from Gryffindor.” I sighed again and handed it to him.
Um. Why? In the book Snape hated Harry's guts. Him confiscating the book was him being a dick because he didn't like Harry. In this series, Snape and Rose are all chummy. And no, before you say "keeping up appearances," Snape approached them when they weren't doing anything and had her turn in the book. He has to go out of his way to do this. This makes sense if he hates her and wants to pick on her, as in canon. This does not make sense if he's putting on an act. Oh wait, yes it does, we need to set up for the next scene.
So, in canon, Harry went to see Snape to ask for his book back. He sees Filch helping bandage Snape's leg and hears Snape say something about the three-headed dog. Snape sees Harry and screams at him to leave. This leads Harry to suspect that he's up to something.
Here, however, Snape has her come in and help bandage up his leg. Gee, not creepy at all.
“Uggh, I had hoped your father’s penchant for not abiding by rules had not found itself to you,” muttered Professor Snape.
“I do abide by rules, Professor Snape,” I replied as I knotted the bandage and performed a Sticking Charm to hold it in place, “it’s just that I have the flexibility to break or bend them if the dire need should arise.” I stood back to allow the Potions Master to stand as he let his robes fall down on his leg.
What do you mean "if the dire need should arise"? You weren't in there because of "dire need," you were there because you didn't want to get in trouble for being caught out of bed because you were going to have an illegal duel with Malfoy.
I liked Snape, you know. This is really heartbreaking, what this fanfic has done to him. But there's more stupidity, of course.
"Yes, I will explain this delicate information to an eleven-year-old for no real reason. It's easy to see why Dumbledore relies on me the way he does."
Of course, the significance of this scene from the book is utterly lost on the author. Ron thinks Snape's totally up to something suspicious, as they did in the book, but Rose is all "no, I think he's totally cool," and she convinces Hermione as well, leaving Ron as the only one to doubt him, because Ron is an idiot.
So we go to the Quidditch match.
In the book, Harry's heart skipped and "he felt braver." But who needs things like emotions so we feel like our character is a human being who has blood in his or her veins instead of machine oil?
Oh, and there's a change in Lee Jordan's commentary.
In the book he made a remark about Johnson being attractive, drawing a chide from Professor McGonagall. That is removed here for some reason.
Also, as the story is in first-person (except where the author forgets), we lose a lot of things. Mainly, in the book, the POV was a bit more around the place, mostly with Ron and Hermione.
The match continues as canon, with a Slytherin player ramming into Rose to throw her off.
I laughed, as much as it would gratify me to have Slytherin down by a player, it didn’t work that way in Quidditch.
In the book, the "Red card!" bit happened. Ron asked what on earth he was talking about and Dean Thomas responded "well, that's how it works in soccer..." But you see, earlier in the book it was established that Dean Thomas liked soccer and had a poster in the dormitory, much to Ron's chagrin and confusion. This was axed from the fanfic as Rose never saw it. Thus, the joke is delivered in a highly altered and utterly context-free form.
And then there's the deal where the broom goes out of control.
Yep. She has ample time to keep her from getting flung from her broom. Tension? Who needs that.
Oh, and I get a chuckle out of "The only thing that was keeping me on my broom now was Void." Harry didn't have this superpower and he did just fine.
Two things caught my attention. The unblinking intent stares of Quirrell and Snape on me, but Professor Snape was seemingly muttering under his breath. They did not know I saw them, as my eyes from my point of view had five seconds to watch them, while they only saw me as a spinning blur.
In the book we didn't get "Oh, Quirrell had been staring at him, too." Ron and Hermione noticed Snape staring at him and muttering under his breath.
I'd say "rushed," but that word has connotations that imply energy and excitement, rather than utter laziness.
And so the Gryffindor team wins. And then... and then...
Okay. How do I say this... Let's go back to Fallout: Equestria, shall we? You know how I got annoyed whenever Littlepip would start ogling whatever mare what she thought was hawt? I take that back. I take it all back.
Because at least Littlepip was a lesbian. She had a reason to do it. I mean, I don't bitch about Murky drawing naughty pictures of pretty mares in his story.
But this is just absolute bullshit.
So, you see, the team wins, and the three girls on the Gryffindor team, they... they take Rose to take a shower with them...
The other girls take off her clothes and start soaping her up... For fuck's sake, she's eleven. Why does this scene exist? There was no similar scene in the original book? What's the reason for this scene to be here?
I... okay, I'm not posting this here, I don't wanna get modded. If you want the full scene in all it's idiocy, you can leave a comment or PM me or something.
Well, I'll post this paragraph.
So even though they're acting like something in a porno, it's totally not sexual at all.
Okay, look... I'm a guy, I don't have an intimate knowledge of how girls act and think, but... seriously? Somehow I don't think that this is how heterosexual girls act.
It's funny. Back when this first came out, people thought that the author of this thing was a girl. Looking back I'm not sure how. I mean, it just reads like this is something by a dude, who's trying to write girls, but has no idea about how girls act and well you get the idea.
Oh, and there's this.
“But I’m hardly a beauty queen…I’m not attractive,” I tried to protest. The hands washing me stopped for a moment, and I imagined them sharing a look, but they started again.
“Have you ever heard of the story of the swan?” asked Angelina, who was working on washing my legs.
“Um, no,” I answered, it did prickle a memory somewhere, but it was out of reach.
“Well, a swan when it’s born is this dark, black little water bird that’s not that impressive, but when it grows up, it turns into a beautifully elegant white bird,” explained Angelina. I got the gist and ducked my head in embarrassment at the compliment.
Somebody wrote this. Somebody thought this exchange up, wrote it down, and thought that other people would care to read it. And apparently back then there were people who thought this was good.
Just take a good long look at that, folks.
You know, this is really the easiest thing I've blogged yet. Most of it is just "and then it proceeded as canon until this change," and then I post the change. Sometimes I do a little sum-up of why the change is stupid because of things like the point of the original in canon, the characters, the plot holes the changes open up, or something else. But here I don't really need to do anything. I can just put up the thing as is and let the self-evident awfulness do its magic.
So, after that completely non-sexual scene (she asks them to teach her how to shave "down there" what the fuck is wrong with this thing) she meets up with Ron and Hermione, who are all "Snape was doing it!" but Rose is all "no, he's totally cool!"
She didn't mention Flitwick or Sprout earlier in the narration, just Quirrell and Snape.
And you know, Snape was a brilliant Red Herring in the book. All the way through it's set up like he's going to be the villain and then at the end it turns out he was the good guy. That it was Quirrell and not Snape was a major twist. By having Rose already keenly persistent on Snape's innocence it dilutes the impact of the twist later on. With Rose insisting on his innocence, it'd be more of a twist if he were guilty, but that isn't going to happen because the entire purpose of this bullshit is to show that Rose is smarter than Harry. And by "smarter" I mean "read ahead in the books."
And then Hagrid lets slip that the dog's name is Fluffy and that there's someone named Nicolas Flamel, and the chapter ends as canon. Or at least as some sort of... monstrously mutated Frankenstein's monster form of canon that's just begging to be put out of my misery.
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