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The Hair Down There is Most Important

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone ended at this point. Harry got on the train to go back home, with the hilarious idea of threatening to use magic on Dudley (that he would never actually use 'cause he doesn't wanna get expelled).

Here, however, we have one last chapter. "Cerelian the Druidess."

Hogsmeade station, where the students had boarded for the trip south, had only one platform, and a small brick building almost no bigger than Number Four to one side, which was the working area for the conductor. Stepping inside the station you would be forgiven for thinking that you had suddenly walked back into the eighteenth century, when steam locomotive travel was still the premier and classy means of getting around. The conductor was now sitting behind a rich mahogany counter, with glass partitioning him off from customers, the only thing that allowed his voice to reach you, was a small circular hole in the partition.

You got here from a fucking medieval castle. Pointing out that someplace in the wizarding world seems like the eighteenth century is kind of redundant at that point.

So anyway, Rose is in Hogsmeade now because Minnie is taking her to wherever it is she gets druid training.

“Are you sure I shouldn’t bring any luggage?” I asked of Minnie.

“No,” she answered, “you will have nothing with you during your training. Cerelian will even take the amulet away from you while you are there. Your wand I suggest you leave with me before we reach her.”

“But…”

“Don’t ask me the questions, Cerelian is the one who will answer them,” said Minnie gently.

"Don't ask questions." Just like the Dursleys. This is sounding a little less like "getting special training" and more like "joining a cult."

She sighed at the conductor and slapped the desk. The old wizard came to with a yelp, his wand already in hand but shooting ineffectual sparks into the air, which scorched the ceiling.

“Ah, sorry about that, how can I help you Professor McGonagall?” asked the old conductor with a ready smile.

“I would like Floo access for two please,” stated Minnie and dropped three Galleons on the table.

Three Galleons to access the friggin' Floo Network? I dunno, doesn't that seem a bit expensive?

Oh, and you know what this means...

“Now, Rosey, we are going to use the Floo Network to travel,” explained Minnie, “this is your first time, so pay close attention. All the fireplaces in the United Kingdom can be connected to each other through the element of fire, of course only wizarding households and businesses are connected to each other to allow travel for people. There are some Muggle places connected as well, the fireplaces at these Floo nodes have extensive anti-Muggle charms in place, so no Muggle will notice us suddenly popping out of the fire. Our destination is one such place. With me so far?”

We are at the end of the story. This is the last place to give us more exposition. We got information about the Floo Network early in the second book, a place where this kind of exposition is more acceptable.

And "connected to each other through the element of fire"? What, you thought "this magic powder lets you travel through fireplaces" was too childish? Decided to pretentious it up?

And so... Muggle houses are connected to the Floo Network, but they're bewitched so that Muggles won't notice when wizards come out? That's fucking stupid. That doesn't help to protect wizard secrecy, that just makes it easy for wizards to break into Muggle houses.

And that contradicts canon. In Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when Arthur Weasley pops out of the Dursley's fireplace, he mentions that he managed to get their house connected to the Floo Network just for the afternoon, so they could pick Harry up. So in canon, Muggle household's aren't connected to the Floo Network by default.

“The Common Inn, East-Northumberton!” I shouted and threw the powder. Green flame flared all around me, I felt suddenly as though I’d been sucked down a giant plug hole. I seemed to be spinning very fast…the roaring in my ears was deafening…it took all my will to keep my eyes closed and body relaxed, arms tucked in…to fight the instinctual panic…still spinning and spinning…now it felt as if cold hands were slapping my face…my morning breakfast was churning inside me…I just wished this awful rollercoaster ride would stop, and then – I stopped spinning, I opened my eyes…I still had a lot of forward momentum and had to go into a forward roll to dissipate it.

But still... I worried... that the unending... storm... of ellipses... would never... ever... stop.

Also, forward rolling out of the fireplace? Did that honestly sound cool in the author's head?

“I had to roll to avoid falling on my face,” I said ruefully.

“Don’t worry child you’ll get it eventually,” said Minnie encouragingly.

It would've been better if she fell on her face. Having her not be so fucking flawless at something would do wonders to make her less insufferable.

So they pop out of a pub and go get a taxi.

“Wher’ we off to ‘oday mum?” asked the middle aged man behind the steering wheel.

“Take us to the northern edge of the town, which borders the forest,” commanded Minnie.

“Right o’” said the driver, he pushed a button on the dash which reset the meter and the car sped away and milled into the traffic.

Cor blimey! What an 'orrible accent that is!

It took about ten minutes in the morning traffic to reach the edge of the town. The driver stopped the car on a road that snaked around the tall forest on our left. We climbed out and paid the fare, the taxi sped off, leaving me and Minnie alone on a now nearly deserted road.

The forest I was facing looked like the light version of the Forbidden Forest at Hogwarts. The tall trees easily reached a length where they could dwarf large buildings. The forest looked like it contained mainly oak trees, the size of the forest itself was impossible to guess, but I assumed like the Forbidden Forest it was very large.

“Welcome Rosey, to Ardgarten Forest,” said Minnie. “Hand me your wand please.” I frowned but handed it to her as she asked.

“Isn’t this a Muggle forest?” I asked.

“Partially yes,” said Minnie, “however the druids have magically sealed off almost three quarters of it for their own use. This is their version of Hogwarts if you will, but training is on a solely individual basis, between Master and Apprentice.”

They seal off three-quarters of a forest and nobody notices them? I guess maybe you could hand-wave it with stuff like anti-Muggle charms or something, like how the wizards do with areas in the canon, but... Y'know, if it were a small, secluded part of the forest I'd be able to buy it, but three-quarters?

And...

Wait, I actually looked this damn thing up. It's Ardgartan, not Ardgarten.

And training is solely on an individual basis? So she's going to spend WEEKS with absolutely no social interacting apart from her teacher? That kinda sounds like a fucking terrible idea. Then again, given that Rose is kinda a sociopath...

Minnie walked towards the forest; I followed uncertainly in her wake. We stopped just before the tree line.

“What are we waiting for?”

“Our intentions to enter the Forest should have been noticed by Cerelian, she will come shortly,” replied Minnie, “I cannot enter with you, and only with her by your side can you enter the tree line.”

And so now we meet Cerelian. We get a big paragraph where Rose describes her appearance. Now, you may notice that I have not copypasted the paragraph. This is because I suspect it would be against the rules. But to give you an idea of the paragraph, I will list the physical features described in the order that Rose mentions them. Again: these are the features listed in the exact order that Rose notices or mentions them.

1. Pubic hair

2. Legs

3. Hips

4. Waist

5. Stomach

6. Breasts

7. Nipples

8. Eyes

9. Face

10. Hair

“Sister McGonagall,” greeted the druidess with a slight bow of the head. Her voice was silky smooth, not like Professor Snape’s ominous tones, but almost seductive in nature.

Almost seductive in nature? What, is she flirting with McGonagall?

“Sister Cerelian,” returned Minnie.

“It has been a long time since you embraced the beliefs,” said Cerelian.

“I had to honour a debt to an old friend, and have been busy ever since,” replied Minnie.

“The druids respect that, and respect your decision to remain in wizarding society, you would still be welcome with us at any time,” said Cerelian.

Take notice, dear reader, how Cerelian has no discernible characterization, personality, or traits.

“Are you the one who wishes to learn and train and eventually become a Druidess?” said Cerelian.

“Yes,” I answered shortly.

“Why would you wish this? Why would you so forsake the comforts of the wizarding world you have just barely entered and hardly understood?”

Uhh, Cerelian? It's 1992. Nobody talks like this anymore. Also, you aren't in middle earth. For fuck's sake, use a contraction once in a while.

My mind raced, it was clear that Cerelian knew about me from that statement. Minnie had said she was in correspondence with the druidess, what they said in the letters I had no idea, but it was clear now that Cerelian knew a lot.

“I shall be honest and say that at the start, all I wanted to do was practice Nudatio in peace at Hogwarts, as the circumstances of my first eleven years of life were hardly ideal, clothes had become an annoyance to me during those years. Minnie allowed me to continue the practice under the initial pretence of druidic belief. But as she told me more and more of what being a druidess is the more a sense of rightness about it rang in me. Until I finally told her of my determination to train as she did when she was a druidess,” I said with more confidence than I felt.

Ugggggh, nobody cares.

“Interesting,” said Cerelian, a small smile graced her lips as her eyes surveyed me. I suddenly felt a gentle…something lay itself over my mind…but just as quickly the feeling was gone and Cerelian’s smile grew large. “You will do fine. Please remove your clothes.”

I'm running out of ways to say "totally not creepy."

Automatically, I fingered the amulet and my ‘apparent’ clothes dissipated into thin air. If Cerelian was surprised she certainly did not show it. She turned to Minnie.

“I thought it best to get her started on at least one aspect of druidism,” said Minnie. Cerelian nodded.

“Thank you, it will most certainly save time if she has gotten past her shame already.” The druidess held out her hand. “Please remove the amulet as well; I shall keep it safe during your six week stay here.” I reluctantly handed it over, and for the first time I was completely naked as the day I was born. “This is where you must say goodbye to your mother.”

I sighed and with a heavy heart hugged Minnie goodbye.

Cerelian is going to make a habit of referring to Minnie as Rose's mother. It's kind of silly, given Lily's importance in the story (despite being dead) and the fact that Minnie is kind of uninvolved as far as mothers go. I mean... they don't do anything. They meet up once a chapter and have some stupid conversation about something. At no point have I gotten any sort of actual feeling of family from these two.

And really, what purpose does it all serve? You know who Harry came to see as family? The Weasleys. It was Molly and Arthur who came to be his surrogate parents in a way that was a lot more subtle and believable than "I've adopted you and now I'm your mom."

I mean, family isn't just a thing that happens because you say so. Family is a bond that grows over time.

In the cool humid air under the shaded canopy of Ardgarten

Ardgartan.

Forest, I walked behind Cerelian. We had not spoken so much as a single word to each other in the half hour of walking we had done into the heart of the forest.

So are these druids as anti-social as she is?

The melody of nature and the forest resounded around me, birds, bees, and even the occasional tip tap foot fall of a small doe or deer could be heard.

I'm a fan of fucking My Little Pony, and even I groan at how ridiculously cutesy this is.

We had been walking for over an hour when we emerged into a circular clearing about fifty meters in diameter. As I walked into the clearing I felt a rush of magic slip around me, it seemed as if there was some kind of barrier around the clearing.

Cerelian walked to the centre of the grass covered clearing and sat cross-legged. I joined in, sitting opposite her in lotus position; it was the most comfortable seating position for me.

Again with the lotus position.

“No doubt, you have many questions for me,” stated Cerelian, “but they will be addressed as the next six weeks pass in their own time. As yet, to me and the druidic community as a whole you have no name. I know of your special significance to the wizarding world, and it is of no consequence to me or the druidic community.”

Cerelian had just earned my undying respect with that statement.

“You will only be known here as ‘Apprentice’. You will address me as Cerelian, be grateful as most druids would ask for the address of ‘Master’ or ‘Mistress’. Your druidic name will be awarded to you in a ceremony when you complete your training, which could be six weeks from now or next summer or the one after that. There is no set syllabus and time schedule, depending on how fast you learn, and master the druidic arts, will determine when you will get your name and earn the title of druidess.”

I love how completely antisocial this is. "Oh, you have questions? Well, fuck you, you're just gonna sit her and take it for six weeks." And she has no name in the druidic community? What, they just address her as "girl" or something? You mean like the Dursleys?

Oh, and that ceremony Cerelian mentions? It involves public sex. I'm not joking.

I nodded during the pause, even though Cerelian just continued anyway.

“I noticed you are hardly winded from your walk here, it bodes well for your next six weeks here, as the instant you awake with the rising of the sun, we will engage in training your body, fitness, strength and so forth. In the mornings you will learn to survive in this forest using nothing but your wits, foraging for food, finding water, tracking skills, creating shelter but still retaining natural harmony,” she explained airily.

This author is way too fond of the word "airily." I've been confused as to what that means, so I looked it up.

in a way that shows that one is not treating something as serious; casually. "he was airily dismissive of the question"

synonyms: lightly, breezily, flippantly, casually, nonchalantly, heedlessly, without consideration

So basically it means "arrogant twat."

“After eating lunch, I will teach you druidic magic for the whole afternoon, then supper will be eaten, after which you will learn druidic ritual and culture. I assure you after a day like that, you will be tired.”

No days off? No time to socialize with folks? Nothing? I can't imagine that's particularly healthy for a kid.

And what, she's supposed to be doing survival stuff in the forest by morning, but in the afternoon they meet for lunch?

I could imagine. Wood’s insane training sessions have actually come in handy for something.

“I will allow you to ask two questions,” stated Cerelian and waited. I frowned as my multitudes of questions flitted to my mind. Two of them did indeed stand out.

Huh? Only two? In my experience, teachers are kinda there to answer as many questions as the students have. That's why they're fucking teachers. They're supposed to be helpful. And furthermore, why? Is there a reason for this? Or is it just because Cerelian's so fucking mystical or something? Is she supposed to be cryptic or something?

WHY? THERE IS NO REASON FOR THIS! THIS IS ONE FUCKING SENTENCE, AND IT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.

“I will not be casting druidic magic with a wand, that’s obvious, and I don’t doubt that wandless magic is possible,” I said darkly, seeing the conjured ropes flying at me after Quirrell had snapped his fingers, “can you explain to me how we will go about learning that?”

“Yes, your deductions are correct,” nodded Cerelian, “casting wandless magic is about belief, by believing you need a wand to cast a spell, you can only cast spells with a wand. But to cast full druidic magic is about belief and oneness with nature. Tell me; is the miracle of life and nature not magic in itself?” I nodded in answer. “Good, then by your beliefs and by your abstinence of wearing dead things or clothes to cover yourself, you are one again with the magic of nature and can channel it and cast it. Why do you think a wand core is made from the substance of a magical creature? If not to reconnect the wizard to nature, even through his or her arrogant belief that they are separate from nature.”

Ooh! Bullshit world building! That will in no way come up when Rose decides to get a new super-wand at the end of Goblet of Fire!

“So in a nutshell I can’t cast any druidic magic while wearing clothes,” I thought aloud.

“Yes, you have just discovered another reason why the amulet was created by druids for use,” said Cerelian.

So that's two questions. Seems a waste of

“I received a note not to use magic during the summer, have you somehow blocked my magic from being registered by the Ministry?” I asked worriedly.

“Why do you think I asked your mother to not bring your wand with you?” asked Cerelian. “Your magic use is tracked by the Ministry through your wand; wandless and thought magic is untraceable to you and even the latter’s use is shielded by the high magical presence in this Forest. Understand?”

Oh. I guess she gets more than two questions, apparently (I'm not cutting anything out, by the way).

And woo! Breaking the law!

I nodded breathing a bit easier.

“Good, in your first five weeks here I will be with you, in the sixth week though, you will walk to another clearing like this one (which is incidentally called a Magical glen by druids) about three miles east of here to find another clearing like this. In this final week you will survive and apply what you have learned all on you own.”

“I understand,” taking a few nervous breaths, “will post owls still be able to reach me?”

That's now four questions.

“Yes,” replied Cerelian.

“When do we begin?” I asked.

Five questions.

“We start your physical training the instant both you and I stand up.” Oh boy.

I stood.

THE END

So that was Rose Potter and the Philosopher's Stone.

It is so bad it's actually kind of incredible. It is a failure on every conceivable level, from its terrible main character to its mess of a plot, to its plagiarism that ruins its own pre-made, much better story, to the abysmal draining of humor, to the terrible writing, all the way up to the almost sad misunderstanding of the original source material and why the Harry Potter books are as beloved as they are.

But there's more! The saga of Rose Potter continues in Rose Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, where Rose totally doesn't have lesbian vibes with Ginny and Ron gets shat on some more!

But I think that can wait for a little while. Let's get back to ponies!

Comments

Unknownlight Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 28th 2013 at 1:34:44 AM

"9. Face"

Face is number nine.

Number nine.

Sure, I can imagine that pubic hair would be #1 (admittedly, if a naked person walked out in front of me, I can imagine that it would be #1 for me too. The difference is that #2 would be "turning around and looking anywhere else"). But to look at a person's full body before bothering to look at their face...

I hate this story so much. and I haven't even read it.

"But I think that can wait for a little while. Let's get back to ponies!"

Hooray!

CCPrime Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 28th 2013 at 5:40:21 PM

This author and their fascination with pubic hair still baffles and terrifies me to this day. It's seriously freaky how much focus he devotes to describing it in the later books.

And yes, more ponies would be lovely.

IcyShake Since: Dec, 1969

Aug 28th 2013 at 8:14:32 PM

Also, rail being a "classy" way to travel began in the 19th century; there was no, or at least almost no, passenger service until the 1810s, anywhere.

Oh, and what happened to the Druids being separate from the wizarding world, and hiding from it? Wouldn't you think that they would frown on Rose talking all about them to her friends, or at least that betraying its policies before she even really gets initiated reflects poorly on her sincerity? (Oh, look at that, I almost acted like she was capable of that emotion. Silly me.)

Droemar Since: Dec, 1969

Feb 19th 2018 at 11:17:46 PM

This is like something that should be taught in college writing courses. "Here is the original book, with all the choices the author made. And here is a fanfiction with all those choices eliminated or reversed to show you why the story becomes total shit without them."

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