Bratz The Movie
Before we start, let's take a look at the trailer:
You can just tell this'll be the horriffic kind of good...
The first thing you see is the logo, it's been altered for the movie for some reason. It's in lowercase (and a different font, duh) and is much much pinker than usual. Still has that annoying halo on it though.
Wait, I veered off course, I wonder what Oh my god this is such a sugar overload.
The music is much too cheery, especially for the first day of school. Admittedly, it does fit with the Bratz' overenthusiasm. Yasmin takes off her beauty sleep mask and sighs, it's a new dawn!
Did I mention Yasmin is played by a very overenthusastic Nathalia Ramos who went on to play a very overenthusiastic chosen one in House Of Anubis? (I'm pretty sure everybody on that show had to bring their energy levels down just to balance it out).
Jade on the other hand, is not a morning person, but don't worry, Cloe takes care of that for us, she even falls out of bed to show us JUST HOW CLUMSY SHE IS! DID I MENTION SHE'S CLUMSY! SHE'S VERY CLUMSY! Everybody just loves to mention HOW CLUMSY AND POOR SHE IS!
AND CLUMSY AND POOR!
Sasha dances around, since she's the black girl and all black people are obsessed with getting their hip and hop on.
Meet the heroines time!
Cloe - SHE IS CLUMSY AND POOR! Also she's blonde. Sasha - She's the sassiest sassy girl you'll ever meet. Yasmin - She's shy? And she's the only one who actually did her own singing aside from Janelle Parrish/Jade? Look, when YOU find some personality for this girl PLEASE TELL ME. Jade - Asian, therefore smart. Wow Bratz The Movie, way to show us strong female characters that don't play into stereotypes...
Cloe is so poor infact that her computer chair is PLASTIC... Wait, she has a computer and a really amazing webcam... How is she poor again?
Yasmin: Ready chicas! (Translation: I AM MEXICAN! I AM MEXICAN! LOOK AT HOW MEXICAN I AM!) Girls: Let's do it!
By do it, they mean exercise their passion for fashion, oh joy of joys.
The Bratz are such best friends that they leave clothes at each other's houses (Oh, and Sasha leaves clothes at her moms house and can't get them till tomorrow because DIVORCE SUCKS... wait, does joint custody work like that?)
Yas' turquoise shirt is at Cloe's and despite Yasmin not wanting any of Cloe's poor germs on her shirt, Cloe wears it anyway
So Cloe is wearing everything she can get her hands on, wow, those are some pretty cool designer stripey warmers poor Cloe!
Sash is taking a KILLER PLUNGE! Shorties and leopard kicks, how scandalous.
Jade uses fashion to DECEIVE HER PARENTS! Yeah! Also, she has a closet behind her normal one that's activated by pulling a shoe... these guys are so rich it'd make Donald Trump look like a poor person (Did I mention Sasha's closet is MASSIVE?). Oh, except for Poor Cloe, who only reaches Paris Hilton levels of money.
Yas is wearing shoes to die for, like always.
Now they all say goodbye in their various MULTICULTURAL ways (Wait, Jade is Japanese? What's with her mothers overannoying Chinese-ness then?)
Oh my gosh, Yasmin has a Mariachi Band living with her?
We also learn Yasmin exchanges expensive pairs of shoes with pieces of chocolate with her mom/grandma/auntie/whoever it is. EVERY DAY.
Sasha's father can't make toast by himself so Sasha as a woman makes it for him (GO FEMALE EMPOWERMENT), I'd go on about this if it didn't imply that neither her parents want her and she doesn't even notice (They both want the other to take her to the dentist and look really pissed when the other suggests it, Sasha's just all "Haha, it's friday not thursday" and doens't even notice)!
Welcome to Carry Nation High, the creepily organised school the girls have to go to. Wait, we don't even have time to relish it because her mother is EVIL and wants her to be IN EVERY ASIAN STEREOTYPE CLASS AND ELECTIVE EVER...
This movie hates non-caucasian people.
The girls are all hanging out when they notice that Cloe can't park her bike, she has a bike due to BEING POOR (Wow)
So Jade's just sitting there in the middle of the huddle changing clothes in public when the girls discuss their plans. Cloe's gonna... try out for soccer, Sasha's going to cheerlead, Yasmin's going to do nothing since she's SHY and Jade is going to rock science.
Sasha quickly remind her that science is cool and all but she must never forget the important things that make the world go round... like shopping, fashion in general and ogling boys.
Jade, afraid of coming off like a nerd says that she's only doing it to keep mom and dad off her back, so it's obvious our lesson is School is something to be done grudgingly and in disgust if at all.
Hmm...
Moving on, the girls are all fashioned up and walking the school when they meet insane Alpha Bitch Meredith and her friends (Plus hanger on boyfriend), they classify a stereotypical skater as a loner...
Wait, Classify? You say? Yeah, there are 48 cliques at Carry Nation and Meredith makes you sit in one for four years. The principal, Meredith's daddy, tells her she's right to do so since it's in a book about dealing with Prisoners.
This was so written by a bitter teacher.
Meredith shies him away because it's not cool to talk to your parents and classifies a crying girl as Emo... wow, she watches way too much Moral Guarded TV if she thinks that's emo.
So the Bratz finally rock it out, walking away from the classification table, pissing Meredith off. She wants to help them find their way... or else.
The girls notice the school's organisation fever but don't have time since th late bell rings.
So Jade's rockin science by making CGI explosions with chemicals she really shouldn't be mixing together (Or leaving out in the air for that matter), Sasha is showing the cheerleaders by trash talking the head cheerleader (She's black) remember, then owning it. The music is Prima J, who are in this movie and are in the soundtrack like seventy times over and wrote the theme of You're Just Jealous. Hey, remember how Cloe is clumsy? Here she's so clumsy that she totally owns the soccer field harder than most professional players, she even backflips!... Wait, that makes no sense.
Jade, once again, rocking it in home ec, giving the home-ec teacher a make over in a dress that she really shouldn't have been able to make in an hour, she's now queen of the nerds of both home-ec and science and math and various other things.
Yasmin is looking wistfully at the singers (probably because Sasha told her to). After being scared off by the teacher, she meets Dylan, who here is not a stupid womanizer, but a deaf kid straight out of an After School Special.
Look, deaf people are cool, that's exactly why Dylan here is twice as uncool... Yasmin asks him why he doens't sound deaf and he calls her ignorant (Great way to make friends!).
The Bratz decide to sit together, making Meredith so mad that she goes over and talks to them about it, they don't listen to her, leading her to freak out harder.
Wait, the school is a plaything for an obviously OCD girl just because her father is principal and this dang system works? (Well, aside from Yasmin who is too SHY to have interests)
Yas tries to bring the group together but they're busy every day of their lives after that (Okay...) Yasmin even takes up a journalism class! GASP!
All they do is shout at each other over their webcams...
...wait, why don't they just hang out over their webcams?
I can't take any more of this, so see you guys next time on the Bratz MEGALIVEBLOG!
