As we embark on this adventure of not so epic proportions, I'd like to mention that everybody in this movie talks so slowly that's it's completely possible to watch it at 1.5x (or 2x, but that's pushing it) speed and not miss a word.
Now we're back and to answer last time's questions. Probably not. Not until Girlz Really Rock. Duh since that's the entire TV show plot. Yes, since the movie starts by telling us it's about how the became rockstars. Sadly, yes.
Moving on, Sasha drives the girls in her red car (Surprisingly it's the one from the start of the movie, so apparently not even rock stars can afford cars with roofs) to a building, which happens to be "Your Thing" headquarters too. Everyone Loves It, Feels It and Adores It (Not literally feeling it, they just say those things as they wave their hands in the car) except Jade, because of Burdine. Jade is still scared of Burdine because... I have no idea.
Sasha leads them in anyway, but they get stuck in the same elevator as Burdine. She fails to notice the four teenyboppers since she's beyond stupid or something. They even get off on the same floor. While she's still within earshot, the Bratz start talking about her crown. Jade explains that "Reigning queeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen of fashion" thing. Yasmin calls her the queen of mean and Sasha imagines her falling down an empty elevator shaft because that's what sympathetic protagonists usually do. Who are the mean girls again Sasha?
The girls get to their new loft office, but it's horrid looking. They also have a pet rat, as Cloe nicely points out to us. Sasha's not fazed, they survived seventh grade (is that a puberty joke?) so they can survive whatever life throws at them. Really. If you look closely in this scene, you'll notice that Cloe's boombox goes from pink to blue, then flashes for a while before turning pink again, I think this was the animators way of trying to send a message about the conditions they were kept in while being forced to work on this, but most people know Morse-code, not pastel colour flashing.
Sasha tells us the place needs a serious makeover, but Cloe still has to get in her daily dose of OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD before we can get anything done. The girls are going to relocate the shelves, dramatize the area, give it a paint job and set up a computer bank and with that it'll be fixed. Without any mentions of an interior designer or a team of seven or so, they launch into a montage and manage to do all the work with the help of those two brainless males. They do this all in one afternoon, better than most actual interior designers with building teams, seriously.
Dylan, being male and thus stupid, tries to get them to take him to supermodel parties, but they throw him out instead.
Cloe opens the box that Jade left Burdine's shoes in, crying in shock and disgust. As Yasmin has never heard of 'Vintage', she calls them an interesting artifact from 1988 (Get it, because every year before they were born is unimportant!). Cloe thinks it's a joke before Jade sets her straight and then tells her friends that she's glad they'll never show anything that vomiticious in their magazine. How kind of you Cloe, I wonder how those "Dear Cloe Fashion Emergency" readers will feel about their clothes being called 'vomiticious'.
Somehow the Tweevils get into the room without any of the Bratz noticing and snark at the girls ("What's [your magazine about], how to be a loser?]). They're sorry that they can't get Jade fired, but they're glad that when the magazine fails the Bratz will have to fire each other. Sasha kicks them out, but not before Yasmin mentions that Kaycee was leaning on wet paint. She calls them 'BU-RATS' and the Tweevils leave.
Sasha never wants to see them again, so Jade tells her to avoid the bathroom between 1:30 and 2:00 because that's when they always go to diss Burdine (???), she knows this despite only working a few hours with them for one day. Yasmin has an idea, showing me that she isn't not (Double negative, wooo!) a sociopath anymore. As the Tweevils discuss Burdine's plastic surgery (Again?) sausage lips they see her shoes in one of the seats and run out of the bathroom as fast as they can. In the bathroom, Jade reveals herself to be the one in Burdine's shoes (Without regard for getting any skin diseases) and the Bratz girls share a laugh. They just tricked people to get revenge, isn't that awesome? The Tweevils go and apologize to Burdine and inadvertently tell them everything they said, who does not fire them but tries to murder them because that's normal.
I should mention that despite their hatred of each other, the Bratz and Tweevils all wear the exact same pair of shoes.
The girls dance and play throughout the office, isn't it awesome how they just tricked someone? Yasmin asks for ideas on what to call their fab new mag, and of course Sasha suggests her own name because she is a controlling witch. They need a name that's stylin, with attitude cause that's them! Jade doesn't really care though, as she just finished her first article "Mean Girls Busted! Don't Get Mad, Get Even!" aside from that being horrid advice from both a survivalist (that's like telling somebody to go after the huge burly robber with a knife that just robbed them) and a basic moral (be just as bad as they are because that's okay, right?) viewpoint, it's also a really bad way to start off your magazine. How much bitterness do you guys have in your tiny little hearts anyways. Instantly, a flashback gives Jade an idea, they should call it "BRATS". Cloe doesn't think so, that's what Burdine (She hasn't) and the Tweevils (Only that one time) call them, but Yasmin knows they can make it their own! Sasha gives the name/logo an 'attitude' by using a Z instead of an S. Cloe thinks it's too much, so she adds a halo. Aside from that being the official Bratz logo, I'd like to point out that Jade has a really bad design program since all the commands are text based and there's absolutely no GUI or any sign that you're changes are taking effect. These girls must be pros with computers to be able to work it.
As I was talking, the logo flashed onto the entire screen, as if to remind us that yes, all of this is to sell dolls. The girls hi-five and Cloe starts thinking about their first "Major scoop". Jade already has that figured out, she's stolen the letters she was meant to throw out for Burdine and is going to use them to get stories, because that's a completely okay thing to do.
They look through them and before they're even done reading Jade has a scoop. They're going to a London club called "PINZ" ('Sadly' this was never made into some sort of playset) on an all expenses paid trip, with a concert afterwards. Aside from this entire adventure ending as soon as they reach the airport and their tickets don't match their passports, this is still stealing. The really bad kind, not the "Oh, my dad was saving this sandwich and I ate it" kind, this is "Oh, let's take a thousand dollar trip that doesn't belong to us while impersonating the rightful owners" bad. Is there seriously no other scoop they can find, one that doesn't involve thievery?
The girls don't hear me and are extremely excited, as they are hot, rockin', have a passion for fashion and are going to London on a stolen trip.
After Yasmin murders the entire airport and forces the pilot to drive them or something, the girls (+Cameron&Dylan) are on the Jet (The clouds outside spell out "Bratz" because that's what happens in these movies, okay?). Cameron wants to see Big Ben Queen Elizabeth tower with Cloe, but isn't hot enough to keep her attention as there's an actual rich royal guy on it who starts to interact with her. Cloe is instantly smitten with Nigel Forrester (The 9th Duke Of Lessex, excuse me British people, but aren't we supposed to be in the '50/60th Duke of X' days?). Cloe instantly announces a hottie alert, since her horoscope told her she'd meet a prince but the only ones left would be arrested for statutory rape if they got involved, she's willing to settle for a Duke. Cloe's affection shows us Cameron's true nature, we enter an alternate timeline where he's blown Nigel's head off as he's actually Green Lantern and Cyclops' bastard MPreg son. Back in the normal timeline, Dylan tells him to relax (while playing a GBA) but he can't since the girl he likes doesn't like him back. Once again, I remind myself that this isn't an episode of Nightmare Next Door or Stalked: Somebody's Watching. In the backseat, Yasmin is cleansing her mind of the carnage she just committed by meditating so that she can be ready for her next 'mission'. She finishes up and talks about Pinz, which is the most stylin' punk club ever and Sasha tells us the benefit concert is going to be scorchin' as all the major rockstars will be there. She even gets up and does a little dance to remind us that she's black. Jade laughs at Burdine's 'loss' like a criminal whose gotten away with the perfect crime, so Yasmin is definetly not the only insane one in this group.
Back in Stilesville, Burdine is fuming about the ticket loss. She blames it all on the Tweevils and declares that "Your Thing" won't be out-scooped by "Bratz"... but if it is she'll have the Tweevils hung upside down by their shoe straps, with a nice visual provided for those lacking in imagination. Burdine is on the warpath, telling the Tweevils to pack her seventy or so suitcases so they can go and rectify the situation over in London. Sadly, Burine's sickly dog mistakes Kirstee's dress for some taffy and causes her to fall into the pile of suitcases, taking Kaycee along as collateral damage.
The plane is about to descend into Heathrow, because that's the only airport in London. Cloe can see Big Ben and Nigel takes the opportunity to invite her out to see it, much to Cameron's disdain. One Union Jack shaped screen-wipe later and the Bratz are checking and loving the lobby in the Q Hotel and their "Super Stylin' Suprimo Suite." Jade immediately seats herself in the biggest vibrating armchair available. The rest of the girls really feel it. Yasmin checks out the view, but Sasha tells them they need to refocus, so they instantly go out regardless of jet lag or anything.
Set to yet another song available from their huge iTunes purchasable library. Due to having no budget for this scene, the girls walk on a Generic Bratz and Union Jack background with not very well done artwork they stare at. At the end they reach what I assume is Westminister Abbey and Sasha tries to make one of the guys laugh. She fails, but he does give them a smile. As Sasha is the controlling one, she hogs every photo until the girls lock her in a phone booth. The boys join in too, carrying the girls' new purchases.
Back at the hotel, the girls are strategizing. Cloe and Yasmin are going to scope out the ten best places to find hot guys. Jade and Sasha are going to scoop the fashion scene and Cameron and Dylan will handle the entire Sports & Entertainment section. Seriously?
Sasha has already listed all the places she wants to go today. Instead of presenting her own list, Jade is mad that Sasha couldn't read her mind and see where she wanted to go. Jade wants to go to Carnaby Street (Which I'm sure is a thing) and Sasha says they'll get to it. Jade is too mad to listen, because normal people totally act like that. Cloe and Yasmin are about to hit the London Eye when Cloe gets a call. She answers it completely expecting a call from her mom because her modern cell phone doesn't have caller ID, but it's Nigel. Apparently, their parents know they're on this trip illegally and don't care. Anyways, Nigel asks her to meet him right then and she says yes because she has no sense of memory (or obligation). She's so worried! Not because of Yas and her plans but because she only has five minutes to accessorize. Cloe takes a rain-check on the London Eye, but Yas is noticeably disappointed.
On the same plane the Bratz rode, Kirstee is puking and Kaycee has a nosebleed. Burdine on the other hand is very calm and collected until her diseased chihuahua annoys some Australian celebrities' dog. She calls him fat, but he doesn't care because he can get his dog to sit and she can't. Some turbulence causes both tweevils to collapse in a vomiting fit.
Back on the ground, Cloe is on her date with Nigel. He gave her a corsage because it's British prom or something. Nigel calls her his pretty princess, because that kind of talk on a first date is not creepy. He's never felt this way about any girl before. Cloe reminds him that they just met, but he gets on her good side with some Love at First Sight talk. The music draws his interest and he and Cloe waltz in the middle of the... creepily empty restaurant. Cloe talks to the audience, giving herself a reality check, except it's not since it's all about how perfect Nigel is.
In the hotel room Cameron and Dylan are watching TV and the girls sans Cloe are working on the magazine when Cloe gets back. The girls clamor over her and ask for every detail. Obviously it was the best date ever blahblahblah they waltzed (Which, according to Cameron, is what old people do). Yasmin is so happy for her and asks her if she's available tomorrow, but she isn't because Nigel asked her to go to his family's estate. Cloe also mentions that he called her his "Pretty Princess", to which Yasmin takes offense because that's her nickname.
The next day at Nigel's not very well designed mansion Cloe and the Duke are playing that one weird lawn game rich people play whose name escapes me when Yasmin calls her. Cloe is late, but she's not ready to leave yet so she tells Yasmin to scoop the location herself. Yasmin sees a dog, which is that Australian celebrities dog. He's named Ozzy. Yasmin takes him in after it starts raining. In the hotel, Dylan asks the receptionist on a date but blows it when he tries to take her to a weird horror movie. Somehow, his horrible social skills have summoned Burdine, who asks for her suite.
Oh no! You say. What will the receptionist do? Are the Bratz out on the road? Are we really only 36 minutes in? Find out next time on the Bratz Megaliveblog thing!
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