Welcome back! Last time um... some girls were mad that a teacher assigned homework during prom week and ditched school to go to the beach.
This installment brought to you by comma abuse.
We finally get our Yasmin eyecatch (Her logo is a disembodied frog head with a crown on it).
Back at school... school is letting out (Do these people ever attend a class that is not art?) and Jade declares it's time for some shopping. The girls are in new outfits (These outfits are actually unique and not just recolors of each other. Don't worry though, they'll be rid of them soon enough). After the week they've had, they need some shop therapy, Yas adds. I would believe her if they didn't ditch school yesterday and the week wasn't only half over (It's Wednesday, I've been counting). Sasha says she has to find the perfect dress and Cloe says the same, Yas merely needs a new pair of shoes (She's the only one who picked out a dress earlier) and make-up so Jade can do them over. Personally, I think they're wearing way too much make up already enough make up for 16 year old girls, but whatever. Outside school, everybody is reading the school newspaper and one of the nameless Bratz girls brings it over to the girls with a distraught face. The story (In the Daily Doings Anonymous column) is about how Sasha is losing it. This story, while being true is still gossip (Since y'know, no proof and all) so I doubt this would actually get printed at a real school since they usually have a teacher overseeing the stories going in. And they have more than one school newspaper printed per week? No wonder Koby's making that Recycling Stiles movie, to raise awareness due to everybody elses extreme unawareness about how much paper that is!
Sasha is angry, since it's true/because it makes her look incompetent, but Jade keeps reading it out loud because that's what friends do... apparently. Everybody looks at Sasha as if she is having a breakdown despite y'know, being gossipped about in the school newspaper. Go girls, you just might win empaths of the year!
Cameron and Dylan appear and tease Sasha some more, because that's what friends do, Cloe and Jade confront the boys, because they think they're the ones who told Anonymous, but obviously anonymous is an unimaginable digital overmind that will exist as long as gossip exists ala Gossip Girl.
Who else could have talked about their personal conversations at the beach, right?
Wait, those extremely loud conversations they were having were private? Anybody could have heard them and reported them to anonymous! I mean, the fishermen in Zanzibar could have tweeted it in!
Sasha tells the girls that she's only stressing because she wants to make prom the best night of their lives, but I think Sasha needs some serious help to start making her expectations a little more realistic before she has an OCD driven heart attack. After some friendly chatter though, Sasha manages to get over it and refuses to let Anonymous get to her.
The girls drive to an uptown fashion mall, we know it's true because it's actually called the "Uptown Fashion Mall". I don't know about them, but usually if something is named so generically in real life it signifies 'Dollar Store Knockoffs Here!'. Sasha is still a little miffed at the guys and Yasmin shows her lack of tact or empathy by mentioning that she got over it five seconds ago. Jade tells the girls she'll walk before taking the bus they got here in again, so they better shop for some sensible prom heels (Or I dunno, go in flats?).
It's time for a shopping montage! The girls dress up and show off the looks in front of the camera to a mediocre singer. Cloe stands next to some manikins (Which honestly look nothing like her) and tricks an old lady into thinking she's one of them. I think this was supposed to show that the Bratz are extremely creepy but how plastic do you have to look to be mistaken for a manikin in the light of day?
I feel obligated to bring attention to the song in the background, with it's groundbreaking lyrics of "In the store, at the movies, at the mall and summer!" and "Study Hall and weekends! When we are free!"
The music suddenly stops when Jade walks out of a dressing room in a pretty awesome (But not prom worthy) red and orange dress with boots. Her 'friends' all act as if she's gone absolutely bonkers for even considering wearing such a thing. I mean, not in the polite "It's cute, but not for prom" way, but honest-to-goodness A-grade mocking. Jade internally wonders if she's loosing her fashion sense, but I think if she got rid of the weird belt and put on heels instead of boots the look could work for prom, but as the Bratz have to dress in a terrifyingly uniform manner, that's not happening.
As soon as Jade is emotionally vulnerable (and still in the 'condemned' dress), Yasmin goes in for the kill and tells her it's time to shoot her video segment. As I wonder what's taking Cloe and Sasha so long in the changing rooms, Jade elaborates on her personality and fashion passion, talking about how stylish, edgy, trendsetting and better than all of us she is. She also says her best friends have always supported her vision for outlandish and cool styles. Jade dearie, were you here four minutes ago when they shot you down?
Yasmin, who has suddenly transformed into a nicer but still evil Blair Waldorf, says she has to check the video 'for sound' and somehow gets right to the point where Jade was talking about how people sometimes think her style is too outlandish, making Jade worry more than ever. Jade confides in Yasmin about her feelings, she might be losing her fashion sense! Oh lord of lords, not her fashion sense!
Sasha and Cloe have ninja'd their way out of the wangst fest and have already payed for their clothes and are heading to the food court without regard for Jade and Yasmin's purchases. Why are these people still friends?
Jade continues to wangst, comparing her fashion sense lost to blindness or deafness. Aside from being extremely offensive, she's also very self important ("You guys depend on me for the hottest style tips right?"). Yasmin, instead of slapping her senseless, cheers her up and it's off to the food court.
"Yesterday we did some serious shopping, now it's time to do some serious relaxing at one of our famous sleepovers."
So that's Thursday night now.
As Sasha is black, she has a hip-hop/R&B CD in hand and is about to start the jams for the sleepover. She starts to dance around due to her blackness and then goes off to change. Jade has already changed and is wearing her Sleepover line clothes as this is still a doll-vehicle. She turns down the music (Only black people are ruled by it, remember that) and grabs a brush, pretending it's a microphone, pretending to be receiving an award. Cloe is also changed and Sasha has changed at warp speed. Jade's brought enough hair care products for the entire city as she is still a spoiled self-important brat, Cloe tells her she's like a fashion superhero and the girls all play around for a bit. As Yasmin is latino, Sasha yells out at her from wherever she is and tells her to hurry up with her nation of South America's most famous dish, Guacamole and Chips.
Okay, sorry, this movie just got creepily racist. More racist than usual.
Cloe has the latest Daily Doomings... Doings in hand and it's bad news for Jade. I was right, they do print a school paper everyday. If they're just thoughtlessly churning out papers (Even recycled paper has a limit) everyday I wonder what other things they're doing, anybody else want to actually see Koby's documentary now?
The article is about Jade's fashion sense loss. "Sources 'In the know'" note that Jade's choices have shown her to have recently become fashion impaired, while Jade rants about how her life is over, I can't help to notice that the only suspects in this case are Sasha, Cloe and Yasmin, because unless that old lady who Cloe scared with her uncanny resemblance to manikins has recently taken up following the lives of a group of teenagers, nobody else was even in the store that day.
The doorbell rings and it's Cameron, dirtier than dirt itself. Cameron tells Cloe he didn't write the article or give any tips and she believes him. She also tells him that Jade has lost her fashion sense, not that somebody is saying it. Great friends, arent they?
Cloe invites Cameron in and he stupidly admits that he only expected to see Cloe, leading the girls to nervously giggle and start mentally singing the "K-I-S-S-I-N-G" song. He tells them he likes their pajamas and they're so embarrassed because... they're completely covered up in clothing that could in no way be construed as anything other than it is? Cameron mentions that Cloe's car will be ready by prom night and the girls are happy, but they also tell him he's a dirty stinky boy who needs a makeover.
They start to film it, as if they're about to molest a him or something. They make him over and he eventually leaves, we don't see the results though. The girls say goodnight to the camera and instantly fall asleep. Jade has not only lost her fashion sense, but the ability to locate off buttons too, so the camera is left running and recording through the night and... it films Anonymous! Who is Yasmin!
Before I move on to the eyecatch, I just want to say I really should have guessed this when she was goading Jade into talking about her fashion-sense-loss. Well, the plot goes on and so does the group eyecatch!
On Friday, the paper is decorated with Cameron's in-makeover face, with cucumbers and a mud-mask. It's so embarrassing! Right? Right? Right? I mean, he's male and males aren't allowed to care about their skin! Right? Right?
Okay, now this movie is not only racist, it's also pro-gender roles?
Hey, it's Dana again, this time showing the paper to Eitan (That's not spelled wrong). Eitan talks about how he shouldn't have let somebody take his picture, but Dana tells him, as he's male and has never cared about skin, that his eyes were covered and he didn't know. At that moment, Cameron blasts through the doors with anger fueled by pure unadulterated heteronormativity. Dylan is making jokes at his expense and Cameron threatens graphic physical harm, as he is male and that's how males talk when somebody makes a joke.
He confronts the girls and tells them he never wants to see them again as they're all evil. Cloe is devastated, how is their "We'll never even talk about relationships, kiss or sit next to each other" relationship going to continue? Cameron is so angry that he's making Cloe pick up her own car and not going to prom! The horror!
How did this even get printed in the paper though? Is the supervisor/editor under Yasmin's payroll or something?
Later in the library, everybody is doing homework (Except Cloe, who is mad). Cloe zigzaggingly accuses the entire table of committing the crime and Sasha confronts her about it, Cloe tells them she had the camera but can't possibly be the culprit since she didn't take it out of her bag all day. Jade cries because she's lost both her friends and fashion sense (Could you SHUT UP about that for even a minute?)
Cloe asks Yasmin what she thinks in an accusatory tone. There isn't any proof of her guilt yet the girls instantly gang up on her. Wow, great friends you got there Yas. Yasmin is caught like a deer in the headlights (In this case, her friends' unusually large eyes).
They eliminate the victims (Because nobody would slam themselves first to alleviate suspicion right?), since Cloe, Sasha and Jade have been attacked they decide Yasmin is anonymous. Because next week's column wasn't going to be about Yasmin's complete lack of tact?
The way they're accusing her, I wonder why she didn't socially ruin these girls sooner. Sasha checks the camera, the tape is gone! Yasmin owns up and returns it (She was just casually carrying it around it her book?), she admits that she is Anonymous.
The big lipped librarian tells them to leave if they're going to try and solve mysteries loudly and they do, leaving Yasmin feeling like she's lost everything in life.
This is your chance Yas, study hard, join the honor roll, start dressing sensibly, your life is still salvageable!
On the bus home, Yasmin asks the girls if she can sit with them, but they ignore her. It's time for Yasmin's "Please hang out with me" "NO" montage, with the same mediocre singer from earlier, though she does do better with this song.
She stands outside Cloe's house in the middle of the night later that same day and unlike on Stalked: Someone's Watching, where this behavior is called y'know, stalking, it's portrayed as a friend being betrayed.
She then cyberstalks Jade, (It seems she's created a program that takes over your entire screen as soon as it's sent to you) but Jade has a delete button. Tip Yasmin, next time you cyberstalk somebody, make your programs immune to the delete button.
She continuously calls Sasha but is also rejected.
The writers realize that what she's been doing so far is really creepy and she writes a retraction for the paper instead.
I still have no idea how a slander column survived so long though.
The next day (Prom day, so my counting was correct) at the salon n spa playset, the girls are sad because they're not having fun. Why? They're missing the stalking, lying and genuinely destructive girl. Wow, not only are they mean, they also lack a sense of self-preservation (Seriously, "Who cares what they print as long as they get your name right"?, "We were the talk of the school all week?"). I'm sure they'll learn once Yasmin makes them flunk out of college after spreading nasty rumors, gets Sasha arrested for "assaulting her", gets Jade onto drugs, kidnaps Cloe at least thrice, steals all of their first and second husbands and then maybe turns all their kids against them.
Of course, Yasmin has bugged all of them (The bugs must be waterproof) and she shows up instantly after they discuss forgiving her. She shows them the retraction and apologizes because she needs their idiocy to thrive. They seal the deal by giving each other mud facials.
Also, they get a Sunday school paper (It's Prom Night, Saturday, Yasmin mentions that they'll read her retraction in tomorrow, Sunday's paper)? Weird...
She also talks to Cameron (While acting very, very flirty), who forgives her and they hold hands... Well, guess which boyfriend she's stealing first?
Prom night! A song about how "Clothes make the Girl" plays while they primp and style their way to the ultimate look.
The song is called "Clothes make the Girl", they say it forty times throughout the song, the other lines are gems such as "Up to the minute, gotta see me in it!" and "When I've got my look all together, I can take on the world!"
So it's a celebration of beauty regimes, fashion shows and looking like everybody else set to a song about how girls are nothing without up to the minute fashions.
This isn't even funny anymore...
An eyecatch does not stop the creepy song from playing and the girls go downstairs to get into Cloe's car.
So Jade's fashion sense is back because she's dressed in generic dress no 5. Ugh... Cloe and Sasha/Yasmin and Jade are wearing the exact same dress! Only with color changes and minor alterations (Yasmin's is blue and has flowers while Jade's is two shades of orange, Cloe's is black and she's wearing a scarf around her hands while Sasha's is cyan).
Outside, Cameron has Cloe's car back (It's blue now) and the two of them hug. Cameron apologizes for blaming Cloe as soon as they're back in their heteronormative roles. Suddenly, a limo drives in, Dylan, Meygan, Koby and Dana (Why don't I remember her being in this so much?). He's ordered it for all of them, apparently.
Jade tells Koby to be ready for his big break since she wants him to film them on their prom night (which is also his prom night). Aside from being demeaning, Koby already had his big break in the documentary all of you self-important The Hills knockoffs need to see, Recycling Stiles.
The girls don't get into the limo though, they go in Cloe's car as they're too good for a limo that Dylan or Koby is sitting in. The music in this scene is supposed to be awesome and lively, but the singer sounds like he's dying. At the prom, Sasha tells them they have to make a big entrance as it's their moment to Shine. Koby films it all because he wants to see how far these idiots will push it. But sadly, Sasha's OCD failed us all and the prom is a disaster, no food (Caterers are stuck in traffic because they weren't supposed to be here ages ago?), music (DJ. "Chip-chop"[?] is in bed with the flu) or photos (Photographer quit to become a painter?). But don't worry, the Bratz have a plan!
Yasmin steps into action, she tells Koby and Cloe to take digital stills with the video camera, Yasmin and Dylan go on a food run, Jade tells some useless kids (Known only as "You, you and you") to help her fill the dance floor with balloons and start up the disco ball, Sasha forgot she was black for a second but is now back to normal and she has hip-hop/R&B mixes in her locker because she can't go anywhere without her soul music. Yeah.
Again, the singer for this montage sounds like he's dead, but he's different from the last guy.
Anyways, the party has started and Jade and Nerva are having an epileptic fit on the dance floor (Don't worry, Nerva's also in on the latest generic fashion trend in a recolored version of Cloe's dress). Meygan, who actually got a doll in this line and has a look slightly altered but still generic enough to be 'fashionable', has counted all the prom king and queen votes. Koby asks Yasmin (on-camera) about her column, showing off her sociopath tendencies once again she laughs him off. She isn't into small fry business like slander anymore, she's already up to stealing Cameron!
The Principal announces the King and Queen, Dylan and Jade. After getting their plastic crowns (And Jade quoting Anna Nicole Smith) they make some 'witty' comments to each other and take pictures and whatever. Cloe tries to salvage her what's left of her relationship with Cameron, but he's already got Yasmin on the brain. Cameron asks her to dance, making sure that whenever Yasmin snaps she murders Cloe first.
Koby tries to contemplate his navel but fails, he seems to be high on something because this is not the way he was acting earlier... He tells the principal to film him and the girls dancing. They don't really dance, they just stand there showing us all the dolls we can buy (Except this one girl in the background who is dancing by herself and slapping her butt...). Yasmin is so glad to have gullible and exploitable funky friends like the Bratz. Somebody off camera tells the girls to express themselves and they all strike "We're seven year olds who've just read vogue for the first time" poses as somebody takes a picture. Now we're back in class, the film being played out and Mr. Del Rio, feeling sorry for the idiots and not wanting them to be in his class next year, tells them he loved it and makes up some compliments. He gives them all A+s, sighing inwardly at his genius. He'll never have to see these idiots ever again!
The girls, oblivious to his lies (Except Yasmin, she's listed him 7th on her "When I go Insane" murder list) they hi-five and the movie pauses, giving them crowns on their heads for some reason.
As the horrid background music plays, I realize that while this movie is terrible, the character Yasmin really gave us a great look into the mind of a budding psychopath, especially one surrounded by oblivious idiots. I can't wait for the Single White Female-esque sequel!
See you guys next time when we put on our BRA's and watch Bratz Rock Angelz (I promise this is the last time I'll use the acronym joke)!
