...so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter, than the suuuun~—oh hai.
Previously on Attack of the Sphinx, William, our formerly-brave hero in The Evil Gods Part II, has been turned into an absolute douchebag as he went to Egypt. Why? To kill the Egyptian Gods, of course! But Carter Kane managed to catch him. Also, racism is used in there. Seriously.
Meanwhile, in The Titans Strike Back, Jerremy is dead! WHOO-HOO! Unfortunately, even with our "star" dead, Michael lived on, and he and Draco move to England. From there? They found out that they have to kill the Titans, who have revived Harry Potter.
...yeah, remember how I stated in my last liveblog that one of the chapters felt like Pokemon Black/White, only shittier? These two stories take it up to 11.
So let's continue the Trek-O-Pain with...
Chapter 3: A New Ollie Learnt. Wait, What the Fuck Does That Mean?
After the recap, Thomas tells us to read The Titans Strike Back so we'd know the full story of the so-called "epic tale". Actually, this makes Pokemon Black/White look nuanced in comparison. And more coherent.
That being said, William has been captured by Carter, and he decides to play along. After all, they'll suffer soon. And how does he play along?
By going to the fucking cave so he can spy on them!
For fuck's sake, William. This is why your ass is often captured. Not because of some brave happening, or some unfortunate circumstances, no. You decide to be all like, "hay I'mma spy on the evil Gods, herp-derp!"
...also. Remember when the dearly departed Dexter requested for William to have a better life than this? I wonder how he feels with his dreams torn apart and spat on. Poor guy...
Anyway, Horus talked to Carter...and as fucking expected, he spots William. So he tortures him. How? By using lightning. And Carter is told to take William to the cage, which he does.
Oh, and we also get moar racism.
- "...and I am okay in saying it is okay to not rust African Americans especially if they are Arabic looking since they steel and kill lots of white people with guns because of drug wars and gangs."
...hey, Thomas. Remember the rule "love one another"? I'm pretty damn sure Jesus would not want you to be racist.
But if there is one good thing about it...at least it isn't against the lesbians, gays, bisexuals, and transexuals. Unfortunately, the racism seems to replace it.
Carter takes William to the cage, as mentioned, where Will will be the personal slave. Like, forever and ever. William tries to talk him out of it, stating that he should free him from the prison. After all, if Carter does so, then he'll go to Heaven.
...or William will kill him instantly. Either-or.
Regardless, Carter laughs at him, and he'll get his reward from Horus once he stops the Christians. William tries to call out for the guy, but he was too late.
OR IS HE?
Because as it turns out...Carter returns. After he was arguing with Horus.
What?!
And we get this.
...what the fuck.
That came out of fucking nowhere! How the fuck can Horus change his mind so damn fast?! There was no foreshadowing, no epic battle, no hints! What, did God some-fucking-how force Horus to change his mind?
So...ugh. The ending of this chapter has William telling Carter to free him, which he does. And so they're off to kill Horus. And the other Egyptian Gods.
Chapter 4: Horus is Slayed, As If We Did Not Already Know
After the recap, which hilariously states that William is not going to go after Horus, Thomas makes an announcement.
- "Also, Karl needs to delete is story which is steeling an idea of mind that I have not yet written titled The Prayer Warriors: Kingdom Under Shadow. Since stealing is against God's holy commandment, he will be punished for his wrong doings."
Not yet written? We hope to God that it'll never be written.
Anyway, William and Carter head to...I wish I was fucking kidding...the Catacombs of Koi el Sheaf. Which is described as a place where the bodies of Christians are hung up on the walls. Except...
Thomas. That is not the name of the Catacombs. It's the Catacombs of Kom el Shoqafa, one of the Seven Wonders of the Middle Ages. But I've learned one important lesson: namely, the Catacombs is older than I thought (I previously thought it originated in Europe).
Regardless, William becomes a wimp, whereas Carter...less so. Because it's likely that he travelled there before. Um...wow.
Yeah, I'm going to take the time to explain just how utterly pathetic the supposedly-brave Prayer Warriors are. Because this is long, long overdue. For, you see, we are told that the Warriors are brave and powerful. But when they see someone bad? Oftentimes, they almost puke, but then they swallow it. (I'm also going to wonder if Thomas has a crazy fetish for people swallowing their own vomit, considering how much he uses that, but not here.) Or they're described as being scared just because the big, bad Satanists/Atheists are around the corner. Or a place thereof.
Now, there is no shame in showing fear once in a while, especially when shit goes down. Me, I'm learning how to properly show fear during a certain little roleplay. And fear can be realistically portrayed, as well as what happens during that fear. Irrationality. Doubts.
Come to think of it? If I have to praise The Prayer Warriors: Battle With the Witches, it'll be this. Near the end, it showed how Michael doubted as to how he'd beat Harry Potter. Now the climatic battle was a lot of shit, but that beginning, as written by Noah, was actually pretty damn well-written.
Yeah, I'm showing praise for a shitty story, so what? It's only better when someone else other than Thomas writes it.
Now, Carter declares bravely (as if we did not know) that it's where the evil beast breast is hiding. Oh, now we're back to all those evil prostitutes and smoooooooooooooookin' hotties.
Anyway, Carter continues to say that if they kill Horus, then he can be baptized and enter the Prayer Warriors. And he'll protect the "great" world.
And by protecting it, he actually means making a good world fucking oppressive.
William decides to make it a deal, but first, obviously, they must kill Horus. Then some mooks—magicians with teeth as rotten and black as their speech (no, seriously)—appear. He just walks up and stabs a magician's stomach and slices its head off with a sword he likes to call Forgiveness. Me, I'm calling it Slip-n-Slice, it's much more meaningful.
Then Horus appears, and you cannot believe what he says.
- "I have come to hill you and make you knit down to mike for I am a god! I am powerful and I am going to make you learn your mistake."
Hey, Horus, buddy? Be careful what you wish for.
Also, Horus calls Carter out by calling him a fucking traitor. Oh, and we get a note that only the bad people swear. Considering that the Prayer Warriors and Thomas himself are every bit as bad, if not worse...that actually makes perfect sense.
Anyway...Carter stabs Horus in the eye, and before he can kill the God, Horus instead kills the wife. Whoops...also, Carter and William laugh like jerkasses because the God, well, obviously made a mistake.
...also, they do not sympathize with him because Horus killed Christians. And the wife is a whore. WHAT.
This story makes people with the names of William and/or Carter look bad. :( And speaking as a fangirl of a very unrelated Carter...
The end of the story has William stabbing Horus in the back, killing him off. And they slice his head and put it on top of a pike to show that he's a false God. Yes, that shit is back again.
...are we done yet?
(then Prayer Warriors!Rika appears)
...who are you?
Prayer Warriors!Rika: I am you!
...oh, right, you showed up in the end of my third liveblogging. You think you can handle narrating The Titans Strike Back, and I provide the snark?
Prayer Warriors!Rika: It will be my pleasure.
(the both of us sit down)
Chapter 3: A Fiend Indeed. Wait, What?
Prayer Warriors!Rika: After a recap, we meet Draco in a cafe. He orders a sand-witch—yes, feel free to facepalm—and a salad.
By the way, we get this whole deal about how vegetarians are weeeeeeeeak. Just as weak as the Atheists who go around and claim that they're moral, when in "fact" they're not. I wish I was kidding! I wish I made that shit up about how vegetarians are as weak as the Atheists, but...I am not kidding. He actually wrote it.
So aside from making racism comments, we realize that he's anti-PETA. Likely. Which makes it...fuck, I don't know.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Then a girl wearing a green dress, having red hair, and wearing a corpse...
Ewwwwwwwww.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: ...enters into the cafe. It turns out to be none other than Ginny Weasley.
HOLY FUCK! You mean to tell me that Thomas decided to revive her God knows how many stories too fucking late?! But...wha...huh...HOW THE FUCK DID SHE SURVIVE GETTING BLOWN UP AND RIPPED TO FUCKING PIECES?!? IT DOES NOT MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!
Of course, likely, we do not get an explanation as to how she's revived and well. What we do get?
Draco asking Ginny if he thought she killed her.
WHAT.
And to think, I thought that Draco had some common sense when he objected to Ebony becoming a fucking slut! This...obliterates any moral high ground Draco has.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Actually, we do get an explanation as to how she survived, but it has to be seen to be believed. First, somehow, Ginny knows that Draco somehow called her a whore. Secondly, she explained that she knew about them finding out about the keys. Most importantly? When the subject of being revived comes up, she answers that she was revived by the Titans. And she likes being blown-up chunks!
...oh, God, ew!
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Also, when asked which Titan revived her...she doesn't know. What she does know is that Harry or Dumbledore knows which one. And yet, she knows the whereabouts of one of the Titans, Wawa. So she doesn't know which one revived her, and yet, she knows a whereabout?
Also, also. They even threatened to kill her if she did not provide the information. I forgot to mention that detail. Um...yeah.
I got nothing.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: We get this.
- "I am very interested in becoming a great Christian like you. I would even be geld to become a Prayer Warrrrrior as well."
So apparentally Ginny knows how to trill her R's together. As if we did not alrrrrrrrrrready know. Apparrrrrrrrrently, trrrrrrrrrrilling the Rrrrrrrrrrr's is a thing for the Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrayer Warrrrrrrrrrrrrriorrrrrrrrrrs.
...that was fucking annoying, sorry to say. -__-
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Sorry.
Draco asks Ginny if she was baptized yet, and she answers "no". Wait...if she's a good Christian, wouldn't she be baptized already?
Actually, I may have an explanation. You see, if you're baptized by them, it's a definite sign that you're part of the Happy Murdering Club—I mean, the Prayer Warriors, therefore a good Christian in their eyes. Baptized by anyone else? A possibility, but hey, they might as well baptize you to be sure.
Insulting to those who were baptized later in life and practiced Christianity throughout their life? Yes. Hell yes. But I'm thinking in Prayer Warriors-logic, which is scary as hell, so...and let's face it, this isn't the first time that Thomas insulted those who were baptized later in life, and it's a possibility that it won't be the last.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: ...holy shit.
Ginny adds that there is water, and so, Draco took her to a dock so he can baptize her. It's a damn good thing Michael didn't, considering the last time he tried to baptize a woman. Oh, and we're told that the dock in which Ginny's baptized in was the same area where Henry VIII's ship, the Mary Rose, sank. But you would not know that, because it says that the "Satanic" king's favorite ship—I mean "shite"...
Ew.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: ...sank in front of his face. Look, Henry VIII has gone down as one of the most wicked rulers in all of time, but for fuck's sake, he isn't all bad! I'm wondering as to whether or not Thomas read about Henry's golden years, back when he first started out as King and before the bad shit happened...
Um...no?
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Guess not. Anyway. The end of the chapter has Ginny telling the guys where Wawa is. And, apparentally, they were ooh. Whatever the fuck that means.
Chapter 4: Wawa is Ironicially Drowned. Aren't We Being Spoilery Today.
For no reason other than Author Appeal, the group heads to Charles Dickens' house. And we get this bullshit.
"Christmas Tale"? Don't you mean A Christmas Carol, one of the most oft-parodied and oft-referenced Christmas stories ever? Also, A Christmas Carol did not strengthen the Christian Empire. Instead, as mentioned, it's known as one of the most famous of Dickens' works. That isn't A Tale of Two Cities. If you can't be fucking knowledgeable of something that a fucking five-year-old can know, you are a fucking failure of a fucking human being.
Oh, wait, I'm talking to the guy who praised Chris Fucking Brown for fucking beating up Rihanna. And was never completely fucking sincere in his apologies, either.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: After praying in the house, they head to the HMS Victory. For those who don't know, the ship was used in a few of the battles during the Independence War. After that, it was used in the Battle of Trafalgar, which is famous for the British being protected from the Napoleonic Wars in its endgame.
Or, according to Thomas, the HMS Victory is the sole responsible ship for killing good American ships. I wish I was making this shit up.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: Draco, the narrator of the story, wants to throw up—fucking wimp, wait, no, that's an insult to all wimps!—but he decides to go on because he wants to honor the Christians. Woo-hoo?
And we get an "inspiring" speech from him. Are you ready? Because this proves just how fucked-up the world of the Prayer Warriors is.
- Draco: "Behind[...]the disgusting filthy ship in which the English navy is protecting is the evil Titan Wawa. We will born this shop and kill tis demon and and after that I will sync this ship so that no one can ever witness its tore evil aver again! Amen and amen. May this teach that Satanist a lesson by worship force gods! They must surf tonight? Are you with me or against me? For if you are against me you are just as mad as those that are on the ship and you will die as well do night."
Yes. That's right. Draco blatantly states that if anyone doesn't want to go, then they will die. I wish I was fucking kidding. And he wants to make an example of all those Satanists. By burning the shit out of the ship that was remembered for something fucking else entirely.
If this doesn't prove that Thomas did not do the damn research about history, then nothing will. Ignoring the usual OOC-ness.
Prayer Warriors!Rika: With no objections, Hagrid charges up. And we're told that it's inspiring to see, without any other imagery. Weeeeak. But then a Satanist stabs him and tears his brains off. God, ew!
Despite...some-fucking-how...that Hagrid survived that when there was no way for him to do so, Draco rushes to his aid and takes out an axe he likes to call "Peace". Me, I'm calling it "Hack-n-Slash." He slashes the Satanist in the back and cuts off its head. Presumably. Otherwise...
Then Wawa enters and says that if he dies? The plan will still be put into motion. Holy shit, we may have a Xanatos Gambit thing going on! And the Warriors' killings, their plans, will be for nothing. Honestly? I'm hoping that the Titans defeat the Prayer Warriors.
But of course, Draco tries to use Hack-n-Slash on Wawa's forehead, which seems to work. But Wawa takes a page from Leon Trotsky and attempts to kill Draco. Wow...to think, Wawa's quite the badass here! Unfortunately, that is short-lived, for presumably Draco—or Michael, whoever—takes a random club and smashes Wawa in the face with it. Fucking cheater!
The story ends with the Warriors burning the ship after the presumably-dead Wawa is punted into the sea. Yeah, "Wawa is Ironically Drowned" nothing. He was dead before he hit the fucking waters! After the ship sinks, they head back to the hotel to figure out the plan.
...God. This is just getting dumber and dumber. And the plots are very much the same, too!
So with Wawa and Horus dead, will the respective groups manage to find the other respective Gods? Will the Gods hopefully kill the Warriors? And who is the traitor?
Awaken that soul on the next liveblogging of The Prayer Warriors: Attack of the Sphinx/The Titans Strike Back!
