I seriously considered breaking this chapter up into two parts due to it dragging on and on, but decided that this liveblog will have enough installments without splitting the chapters into pieces. Get comfortable. This'll be a long one.
Piper is reduced to stammering incoherently.
So the Peppertown's library is limited. That makes sense given that it's a poor industrial town where most of the jobs are factory work.
So where did Tookie learn all these languages?
She's way too socially awkward to have learned these languages from friends, and her parents don't give a damn about her, so they wouldn't have paid for language lessons. That leaves the library. And I guarantee that you will not be finding information for every world language in any single library.
And her pronunciation should be horrible without being able to practice speaking the languages. (Especially ones made up of "gurgles, slurps, pops, and rasps.") Her pronunciation should be on par with my Spanish pronunciation, which sounds about as good as a puking bird hitting a blackboard.
And I'm confused about the LeGizzârds. Are they human? I've quoted every scrap of physical description we get about them. They have spears, which implies that they are. But it is a fantasy world, so they might not be.
Tookie assures Piper that they'll be okay, and Piper is surprised that Tookie knows her language.
Tookie lowered her eyes. "Her name's Tookie," Dylan spoke for her. "She don't talk much, but she knows what everyone else is sayin'—no matter what the language."
Quit trying to show off how special Tookie is! Especially when her abilities don't make any sense.
Also, how does Dylan know that Tookie is an omniglot? Dylan has only seen Tookie understand Colorian and Labrian. One more bit of evidence that Dylan might be the narrator.
Piper explains that the bubble around the city is to protect them from the sun and from the LeGizzârds.
"[The sweetbreads are] pancreas and thymus. Glands."
Where are they getting Colorian sweetbreads? Are the Colorians feeding them? Why would they feed the people/creatures that are said to be butchering them?
The LeGizzârds killed Piper's father, but her mother lied about it and said he died of a dermal disease. No clue why. Shiraz and Dylan also share that their fathers are dead.
Why is Tookie lying? I'm pretty sure her father wanting to sell her into slavery is sympathy-worthy.
Then Piper gives Dylan "a closed-lipped, narrowed-eyed, strangely striking glare."
?
What painting would that be? Last I checked, paintings of the muses tend to show them dancing, standing over a writer's shoulder or playing instruments, not glaring sternly.
Piper says that she noticed Dylan staring at her.
"My people have little to no melanin in their skin, hairs, and eyes," Piper explained in a clipped voice. "It makes us susceptible to excruciating sunburns and various terminal diseases—not to mention stares from people like you."
Terminal diseases? Uh, except for skin cancer, albinism isn't really associated with any diseases.
Dylan apologizes, but Piper is stuck-up and just says "yeah, right."
Tookie asks if Piper is a real princess, and Piper explains that she's not really.
That explains her calling her mother a queen, but not why she'd consider herself a princess. Her being stuck-up might explain it, though.
They arrive at the mountain where they see gates in the distance, and hear "Voodoo-style drumbeats", and see flames shooting from the top of the mountain.
Shiraz gets scared, and says it's the real reason they were chosen for Modelland. Then she starts singing.
Yes. I'm sure the people are routinely butchered and killed at Modelland. Because there would be no way to know if some girls THAT WERE CHOSEN ON INTERNATIONAL TELEVISION were suddenly missing.
And why was Shiraz practically jumping up and down in excitement when she was chosen? Shouldn't she have been running in terror if she believed the rumors?
The other girls except from Piper have all heard the sacrifice rumors, which conveniently specify four girls so they can all panic repeatedly. Dylan faints due to fright. This is apparently going to be a recurring thing. Joy. She almost immediately wakes up, but is disoriented.
They look around and see the Diabolical Divide.
These items are from "Pilgrims" who tried to reach Modelland. And it really isn't that frightening. Aside from the shoe, it sounds like they just dropped or lost their stuff. I'm not buying it until I see some bodies.
More screaming and panicking happens as the Scout starts to head downward with the pouch. (I'd honestly forgotten she was still there.)
They reach the gates of Modelland.
The pouch starts dripping liquid before it lands and splits open. Tookie searches for the Scout but there's nothing in the pouch until an umbrella appears out of nowhere.
Piper immediately snatches it up to protect her skin from the sun. (Burns don't happen that quickly, but whatever.)
Why would you drape fabric over a mountaintop? Good way to ruin it.
The "creature" speaks with a Très Jolie accent, using words like "Je m'appelle" "excité" and "oui." This is all French. Why not just call it French?
"I am beyond excité you have arrived early. Your lack of tardiness deserves a round of applause, oui?"
Guru Applaussez? Your name is stupid.
Guru Applaussez is repeatedly called "the creature" and "it", so I have no clue whether Guru is female, male or none of the above. Personally, I hate fiction doing this. Calling sentient non-humans "it" is rude at best. (Unless they actually genderless or ask to be referred to as "it.")
Oh, and Applaussez as in "applause?" Because he/she has a hand for a head? Hilarious.
Stop hitting yourself.
I hate Dylan.
Guru acts excited, believing they're seamstresses that he's been waiting on. He starts talking about this year's Intoxistakes contest, which has a theme of Insects of the Bush. (Remember, the Intoxistakes contest? The creepy event at Striptown where girls are bet on like race horses?)
Why is this happening now? Isn't this year's T-DOD over?
Some yellow smoke appears, and the girls panic, thinking they'll be sacrificed now. I love how they switch from terrified, to amused to deathly afraid. It's a very natural transition.
A flasher appears from a nearby door.
Okay, to be fair, the figure isn't called a flasher, but when you decide to walk outside nude in front of a bunch of people, I think it's fair to call you a flasher. (Unless you're at a nudist colony.)
The figure absorbs the pouch into her fingertips - while still starkers - and starts materializing clothing in front of herself, and slowly chooses an outfit. She goes through two pages of this stupid clothing selection process.
The girls ooh and aah at the weird naked lady because they have the combined IQ of a tree stump.
Full, soft-looking lips with the deep cupid's bow that had inspired so many girls to wear Glow-Glow lip gloss.
Large emerald eyes with mile-long lashes that seemed to look into your soul, knowing exactly what you desired—needed—at any given time.
So she knows I want the book to end? Given how much is left, she must be a sadist.
It's Ci~L. And, yes, that's her entire description (sans boring clothing montage). I shall imagine her as an amorphous blob with lips, green eyes and caramel skin. What a strange coincidence that she has the same eye and skin color as Tyra Banks. No chance she's an author's avatar.
I'm more than a little annoyed that after all the mystery and build-up about her disappearance, it takes zero effort to find her. I feel cheated.
But we finally get an idol of the Modelland world. A woman so amazing that every time she is mentioned, it's with adoration. She must be an amazing person.
. . .
NO ONE OVER THE AGE OF SIX SHOULD SAY YUCKITY YUCK!
It is obvious that Ci~L has gotten through life on her looks alone. And was the liquid that dripped on the girls her sweat? Ew.
Ci~L looks at Dylan, Piper and Shiraz, and her expression darkens. (Ominous!)
So either Ci~L is insane (evidence for her being Lizzie), or she was supposed to pick up different girls and grabbed our protagonists instead for unknown reasons.
More evidence of Ci~L being Lizzie. Or she shares my low opinion of Tookie. Either is plausible.
Ci~L tells Guru that the girls are Bellas (the students of Modelland, not the vampire/werewolf lovers). So not only did Ci~L flash the underage girls, she also flashed the "creature" of indeterminate gender. Apparently Ci~L is a corruption of See-All.
Where would a fourth hand go? Never mind. I don't think I want to know.
And what the heck is a "fam?"
*Searches Google*
"Fam" is short for "family." I guess I'm just not hip with the radical chick's jive.
For some reason, we get a bunch of exposition that Tookie admires Ci~L because she has substance as well as looks. (In direct violation of Show, Don't Tell.) Ci~L does poetry slams with controversial poetry that even snobby critics like, and she gives addresses to colleges about "her many interpretations of human beings' physicality."
Hate to break it to Tyra Banks, but a lot of critics like controversial works. See Modern and Post-Modern works for examples of crap being lauded solely for being different or controversial.*
Tookie wonders if Ci~L was demoted, since being a Scout is apparently the job of Bellas who fail to become 7Sevens. In other words, model school washouts.
The girls then start doing a schoolyard chant about how awesome Ci~L. A chant that is apparently known worldwide, because Shiraz who barely speaks English knows it, too.*
How old are they? Six? Who does schoolyard chants past elementary school?
- Give me a big Ca little I, a TILDE!throw me a lanky lanky lanky long L.Simple and clean, no! But not a tongue twista. That's the way way way way way you spell SEE-EL!
Ci~L asks them to stop, like any sane person would. Dylan gets on her knees and talks about how Ci~L is so wonderful, and she has all her speeches and poems . . . and enough with the hero worship already.
She's a creepy flasher lady who writes poetry.
Ci~L says she doesn't want worship. She then says she has to recite the "welcome crap", but only gets a few lines into it before growing sick of it, and saying they'll hear the whole thing from a "stone bitch" later. Stay classy, Ci~L.
She then says her clothes itch and changes her wardrobe into ripped jeans and a T-shirt instantly. Which makes the whole clothing montage earlier completely unnecessary. I guess she just likes flashing underage girls.
Someone call Chris Hansen.
More of Dylan gushing at Ci~L. Dylan begs for her to write a poem on the spot, while Piper asks to see her 7Seven powers.
I don't remember flight being part of the 7Seven's listed power set. Neither was "spontaneous generation of clothing from fingertips." In fact, I went back and checked. It wasn't. I am willing to put up with a lot if a story is consistent in its nonsense. This story can't even manage that.
Ci~L says there's no time for demonstrations, and says she'll see them after the torture tests. I'm assuming that's the Modelland version of hazing.
They see a colossal wall.
antiquated musical instruments
;_;
W-why would you abuse musical instruments like that? Leaving them exposed to the elements . . . letting them be ruined by the weather? How COULD you? It's even worse that they're abusing antique instruments like that . . . Why not just use a Stradivarius as a chopping board while you’re at it?
Bunch of artistically bankrupt, narcissistic, stuck-up witches!
*takes a deep breath*
Sorry. I love music, and hate seeing musical instruments mistreated. Those poor instruments. ;_;
More description of the gates with immense gears, steel arms (shaped like actual arms), and an unseen choir chanting stupidity.
Gee, I hope this epic musical number is kept if the book is made into a movie. It certainly added a lot.
They see other girls arriving with Scouts, and a weird face made of mosaic tiles. This is the registration area. We get more made-up names that are stupid, and the mosaic wall shouting something when each girl introduces herself.
"Validated!"
"Franca of Cappuccina."
"Authenticated!"
"Kamalini of Chakra." . . . One arm was full of gold bangles, and her eyes were decorated with a SMIZE, which fluttered every time she blinked.
"Documented!"
"Bibiana of Terra BossaNova."
"Confirm-iated!"
Meanwhile, the English language sits in a corner, weeping quietly while nursing its many wounds.
Then . . . GASP! . . . Tookie sees Zarpessa there! She calls Zarpessa's name. Zarpessa sees her and quickly hurries away, which Tookie thinks means that Zarpessa knows she saw her Dumpster diving. My personal theory is Zarpessa found out about Tookie's creepy behavior towards Theophilus. I'd avoid her like the plague, too.
We get a description of a girl with too much makeup and a miniskirt so short it shows off her "round, pert butt." Her name is Chaste Runnings, and she's from Beignet. I guess it's supposed to be funny that she's dressed so skimpily with the name Chaste, but I'm more confused about why she comes from a pastry.
It's Tookie's turn next and she is "substantiated."
Ci~L then approaches the mosaic and decides a little tentacle mind rape is in order.
I bet you thought I was kidding.
Ci~L "commands" the remaining girls to introduce themselves immediately, and the mosaic lets them through without even bothering to listen to their whole names. And it looks like I was right about the person who first touches the SMIZE owning it, since Tookie was accepted before Ci~L mind-raped the poor face into accepting the other girls.
It's pretty obvious what's going on: Ci~L snuck in Shiraz, Piper and Dylan under the names of the girls she was supposed to choose (Hendal, Katherine, and Woodlyn), and used her magical model tentacles to force them into Modelland.
Why? I have no clue. Probably for a message about how girls can be beautiful even if they don't look like most models. I'm sure it's just like in Tyra Banks' show, America's Next Top Model, which no doubt included a variety of girls of many body types, sizes and shapes, and emphasizes that even normal-looking girls can be beautiful, win modeling competitions and gain magical powers.
Wait . . .
Ci~L talks about going to the torture chamber and makes a comment about getting herself into this mess.
Ci~L shrugged. "Beyond your wildest nightmare."
Wow. Ci~L is a jerk.
All the Scouts leave. The gates to Modelland open to reveal something beyond Tookie's wildest dreams . . . the end of the chapter.
Blatant Mistakes
- Not capitalizing the word "Voodoo."
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