Two more chapters.
Just two more. Just two more.
And then a whole parcel of wrap-up bonus stuff (including doing the "reading guide" in the back of the book, my final essay on why come this book so bad, and a post about how to make it better), but still, that stuff doesn't involve actually reading the book.
I'm going to be honest with you people: Normally, I do the standard liveblog style of going through a chapter bit-by-bit and commenting on it as I go.
I am not going to do that here.
It's not 'cuz I don't love you guys. Really, it's not. It is because:
- This chapter is the longest in the book.
- It consists of nothing—literally nothing—but the characters going back and revisiting every single character they've seen before. It's pretty much a "Where Are They Now?" Epilogue, only hugely drawn-out and annoying.
- I would love to come up with "humorous" epilogues for all the characters that are totally not true, but I am trying to represent the awfulness of this book somewhat realistically, so here we go.
Instead, I'll pretty much list the characters in the order they're encountered in this chapter, and describe them.
Shahree: Just been kinda... hangin' in that field all winter. Just... standing around with the other horses. Chillin'. No shelter or anything; just an open field! All winter! Yup. ...Cue Meadow Run music as she and Alex reunite, because this boy is galactically incapable of having a relationship which is not creepy.
Calypso: Continues to get her creep on deep in those forests, as Alex and co. continue to waste time there. He gives her a true silver necklace. She says, "A gift for some great lady." Alex says, "Then it is well-given." Everyone gets the teenager-on-immortal-elf-jibblies at the sight.
Tayo: Is now twice as annoying as Scald, and four times as loud. Everyone finds this endearing, for some reason.
King Dwarfking: He's coo'. Oh, but he has a favor to ask about his grandson, Dwarfstone—
—Wait, since when was Dwarfstone is grandson?!
...Oh, whatever. They've got to take Dwarfstone with them to go see the Oracle in the White Tower. (He really wants some hamburgers, too.)
Dwarfstone: He and two of his also entirely superfluous friends (we'll call them Dwarfpick and Dwarf... um... gold [I'm running out of "Dwarfy" words]) are now going to accompany the band all the way to seeing Iownan again! I'm so glad at this development—marvel at their astounding no lines of dialogue from here to there and zero impact on the plot! Not like there's much plot left to impact, considering how close we are to the end.
The city of Techen: Suddenly it's Not Creepy anymore, and is, in fact, a thriving trading port! Boy, it sure was a good thing that that whole Stepford Suburbia thing amounted to... nothing, isn't it? Not to mention the astounding unseen transformation.
Eric von Tealo, AKA "Creepy Old Guy": Last winter, he kind of got dead. They can't repay him, but luckily, he can't shank them either! However, Olaf, completely out of left field, blackmails the magistrate into giving COG a needlessly expensive and fancy gravestone, and threatens to do horrible things to him in a back alleyway if he or his city fails in keeping the grave shiny-cleanier than any grave was ever shiny-clean for the next 100 years. Can't you just feel the class and leadership oozing off this man, ladies and gentlemen?
The Geeb: Sadly, he never found a more fitting story to occupy. He was forced to deliver messages in a stupid fashion for all of eternity.
Iownan: Somewhere picked up the ability to modify bathhouses on the fly, so she can force her guests to endure even more bathing-based uncomfortableness. As the crystal is handed over, she finally chooses to divulge the exact nature of *~!THE PROPHECY!~*
...Wait! Holy crap! We get more exposition! I gotta tune in for this!
...Alex is part dwarf, part elf, part human, and part not even Iownan knows what else.
...Huh. Aaaand then she forgets about divulging the rest of the prophecy and goes on to ask for the crystal ball back. Except that this gives him *~!GREAT POTENTIAL!~* and he could be AAAAANYTHING!
Uhhh... that's... kind of a thing. I'd probably have a more extreme reaction to that, but this far along, and this far entrenched into the reality-swirling powers of Alex's Specialness, "huh" is pretty much the best thing I can muster right now.
Dwarfbeard: He wants to retire. ...Wait, he wants to retire? That's... kind of random.
Whalen Vankin: ...Wait, who?
Yes, Whalen Vankin. Or, as I shall call him for the remainder of the story (which isn't much by now), Whale Shanker.
As to who he is? Ahahah! Next chapter, my friends. Next chapter...
Tune in next time for the thrilling (sort of) conclusion (sort of) to Let's Read Adventurers Wanted. What kind of gig would I be running here if the penultimate installment didn't end on a cliffhanger!
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