(Watch along with me ici
! That's French for "If you value your sanity.")
Okay, it's the moment we've all been dreading— I mean waiting for! The beginning of the soccer match! I know I'm really exciting, because the end of the movie is in sight. I just hope the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train.
So we get a shot of the Wild Dogs, all changed into their jerseys. Most of them are standing upright— clearly, Dingo finally had to spring for a new dog model, probably because drawing four running legs was just too much effort. The dogs look weird—their hind legs seem to be ripped off an anorexic satyr— but that shouldn't surprise you.
Says Harry, “With the colourful jerseys— the Wild Dogs!”
Says the vulture, masturbating with his microphone, “With number one, Brichard, the gold keeper, of the Jungle Kings!” Shot of the elephant in full I WILL STOP ALL THE BALLS mode.
The vulture continues, "With number 7, Jacko, the attecker!" Michael? Oh, no, he's talking about Jaggy. Jaggy is goose-stepping across the field. Why hasn't the game started? Why are they—- wait.
Wait.
Wait wait wait wait. Dingo, you said you’d start the soccer game. You promised! The vulture in the hat said so! What is this? More useless preamble? MORE FUCKING PADDING? WE JUST HAD SIX MINUTES OF FUCKING PADDING! We’re not going through every individual player, are we? And if so, WHY DID YOU START BY TALKING ABOUT THE DOG TEAM THEN SWITCH TO THE ANIMAL TEAM AND THEN GO BACK TO TALKING ABOUT THE DOG TEAM?
I am beyond comment. This movie... argh, this movie. Even by Dingo standards— which if you've reading you know are non-existent— this is filler. It should be called "Animal Nothing Happens for Fucking Ever and When You Think Something Does Happen, It Doesn't So Don't Get Your Hopes Up Because It Will Never End Never Never and Good Fucking Luck Getting That Jungle Music Out of Your Head Soccer World."
Breathe, Ronka, just breathe, it'll all be over... oh, God, it will never be over, will it? This is the Dingo movie that wouldn't die.
Anyway. So apparently, they want to introduce the players before starting the game, heedless of the toll it's taking on my mental health. After Brigette/Brichard/Richard the Elephant‘s grandstanding, we cut to a shot of "Jacko" (Jaggy the Jaguar), who is... goose-stepping? Doing ballet? Airing out his groin? I have no idea.
Back to Harry's commentary, from atop his Quidditch stand. “And with his esstraordinary hand"— or "hat", hard to tell with Harry's plugged nose— "it’s Charlie, the best-looking attacker of all time!”
... okay, I know I've commented on the weird sexual relationships in this movie before, but come. The fuck. On. What is that line doing there?
We cut to “Charlie” next. I was half-afraid it would be Charlie from All Dogs Go to Heaven, but fortunately it's just the Totally Radical Santa's Little Helper dog. Except he's spontaneously turned grey, no doubt from the sobering realization that a gay stork is hitting on him in front of the whole fucking town.
Harry's about to continue his homoerotic commentary— "And with the red pants..." —when the hat vulture cuts him off. Thank goodness. I really didn’t want to know who was in the red pants... or why Harry was so focused on the pants.
"Harry, quiet!" says the hat vulture, channelling the audience. "We are, everywhere feared, Albert!"
I am not understand.
A crocodile hobbles across the screen. I think it might be one of the volcano-and-suffocation-proof ones from Dinosaur Adventure, but I can't be sure. Brave of him to play soccer when he's missing both an arm and a leg.
Next we see Butcher, who looks like he's about to take a crap on the field.
Back to Harry. "The referee blows his whistle, and—"
Stock whistle sound effect. Stock crowd sound effect.
The game has begun!
... WHAT THE FUCK THAT JUST MAKES THE ROLL CALL EVEN MORE POINTLESS! They only introduced five people! I can't believe this! I honestly can't believe this! They half-assed the PADDING! WHAT WHAT WHAT
WhATever, at least it's done. Jaggy starts goose-step-leaping across the field again. We get another shot of that fantastic ball-flying-through-the-air shot (way to use your investment, Dingo!), and there's some awfully animated animal soccer playing.
Finally.
And now, gentle readers, prepare yourselves for... Animal Soccer Commentary! As in, commentary on the soccer, not on the movie. Nothing can prepare you for that.
A few shots of animals running—and by running I mean, their little anorexic goat legs are flickering stiffly across the screen. The Jungle Kings (Kings of the this joke is old) get "possession of the ball," with Albert the crocodile... dribbling it.
Dribbling. Like, with his hands. Not soccer dribbling—basketball dribbling. With his hands. In soccer. And none of the referees say anything.
And if you're thinking, "No, no, see, it's funny, because he's a crocodile and the referees don't want to tick him off," first, thanks for the vote of confidence, and second, consider that one second later the refs say he was "over the line" when he scores a goal. They care enough that Albert is a few inches too close to the net, but don't care that he dribbles the ball.
SOCCER, MOTHERFUCKER. DO YOU PLAY IT?
So Charlie's Little Helper kicks the ball to the racoon, who dribbles the ball with his feet. Again, not soccer dribbling, basketball dribbling. At least Wabuu actually uses his feet, although I don't know how he's supposed to run and foot-dribble at the same time. The dogs get the ball back, and it's passed to this little Dalmatian named Sasha. But not Anastasia's Sasha, which is another character altogether. No, this design is from Dalmatians 2/3/4. Remember, kids: Recycling animation is good for the environment... and bad for my sanity.
What happened to Anastasia-Sasha after he molested Butcher offscreen, anyway? Haven't seen him in a while. I guess he'll make an appearance for the big, 'Friend vs. Team' plot they seem to be veering toward.
Anyway, Giovi/Simba-a-like pursues the Dalmatian. For some reason, Simba isn't wearing a shirt. He IS wearing red shorts. Is THAT who Harry was going to talk about? Ew ew ew ew moving on moving on moving on.
"Run, Sasha, run run run run!" Get out of this movie and into a Tom Tykwer movie, Sasha!
Jaggy leaps in front of the Dalmatian. My honest-to-God first reaction to what happens next was, "Oh Jesus!"
Instead of describing it, I will link you to it. Watch, in all its WHAT THE SWEET FUCK-y glory.
So Jaggy FLIPS THE FUCK OUT at the tiny puppy, whose head inflates and deflates in terror! It must be contagious, because other dogs’ heads start inflate/deflating as well. Jaggy laughs (he takes such delight in evil—Card-Carrying Villain, definitely).
The vulture commentators commentate. “And after a fearless tackle from Jacko,” I wouldn’t call that a tackle, “he takes the ball and puts it back in front!”
... Okay, that seals it. I’m convinced Dingo Pictures bought a failed porn script and modified it to include soccer and talking animals. That is how this movie got made. Between stopping all the balls and shooting hard and Harry’s fixation on red pants— there is just too much innuendo for it to be accidental.
Animal Farm, porn, and soccer. Dingo, I’m on to you.
Back to the commentary!
Animals play soccer. We get some stellar dialogue, like, “Oh, a bad pass! Bad passes do happen!” Enlightening.
Harry’s commentary is particularly awful, mostly because what he says has nothing to do with what we see happening on screen. Like, he says, “Oh, no, no, no, it’s like everyone has glue under their feet! This is not what the spectators wanted to see!” But they seem to be moving fast enough and the crowd seems happy enough. I feel like I’m watching soccer commentary from the Ministry of Truth. ‘Running is slow! Cheering is anger! Ignorance is strength!’
Jaggy gets the ball back, and suddenly the medi-duck is on the field, and Jaggy’s leg is in a dog’s mouth. There is no connection between these shots. They just happen, kind of like a drive0by shooting “just happens.” And it’s not even Growly biting Jaggy, it’s just some other dog. Way to make use of the rivalries you set up, Dingo.
Harry is upset that the refs are red carding the dog for biting another player. “Yeah, now the ref blows the whistle! A few minutes ago he didn’t blow the whistle!” When the other teams was doing what, Harry? “This is a very bad ref he choose sides! Get rid of this ref boo boo boo.” Pulitzer material there, Harry. The last “boo” makes it art.
Harry and the vultures go back and forth, arguing about whether the ref should give the Jungle Kings a penalty shot and whether he’s biased or not. Considering he’s penalizing the dogs, and he is a dog, I don’t understand where the bias could come from. Maybe he’s a self-hating dog?
The ref does award the Jungle Kings a penalty kick and a hippo runs across the screen with a sign that says “Elf Wanted.” Go with it.
Harry, upset with the call, flips out. Well, as much as his voice actor can manage. He swings into full histrionic reporter mode— or, as I like to call it, ‘Hindenburg Journalism.’ “Oh ladies and gentleman what I thought is true the ref is given a penalty oh what a bad decision!” Oh, the humanity! This is the worst catastrophe in the world!
Seriously, that’s pretty much how Harry finishes his rant. “[It’s] the baddest decision in soccer all time!” You’re wrong there, Harry. The baddest decision in soccer all time was this movie.
He continues, “Is it that haaard, to find good ref these days?” About as hard as finding good reporters.
“Rubbish, rubbish,” says hat vulture, invoking the first and second “Rubbish” of the movie! Long time coming, is what I say!
The vultures believe it was a good call, but it’s not like it really matters. This match is void of any tension or sense of connection to anything that happens. I don’t even know what the score is. There is no one to cheer for— they are all terrible characters. We don’t care who wins, because we already know who loses. (Hint: Us.)
We stop the game for a penalty shot. Because the pace was just too hectic before. I know you’re all on the edge of your seats, or beds, or floors, or whatever surface you’re sitting on while you’re reading this.
And if you’re not on the edge of your seat, you should be, because the animal taking the penalty shot is one we are all very familiar with. One we have been following for some time now. One we all hate, but find ourselves strangely drawn to. What animal is it?
It’s... an otter
◊? Or a gopher, maybe? Or a buck-toothed short-tailed squirrel? I have no sweet clue what that this is BUT ITS NAME IS DINGO!
DINGO!
DIIIIIIIINNNNNNNNNGGOOOOO!!!
Is this Dingo’s idea of a joke? Self-referential humour? An Easter Egg they put in so people would know who made the movie even though no credits exist? Or was it an accident? I know I shouldn’t care, but I just... What. What what what what what.
This is as good a time as any to stop. The tension over the outcome of the shoot-out should be enough to make y’all come back, right? Love them cliffhanger endings, right? Can‘t wait to see who wins the soccer match of the century, right? Right?
... right?
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