Garfield: Quickie
We're about to witness Garfield's finest hour. He's standing on a tree branch, holding a birdhouse. He puts it on his head and calls himself a genius. A couple of birds land on the perch. Garfield calls them customers. The female tells Brett it's perfect. You can tell the female not only by the voice, but by the eyelashes and pink eyelids and tail feathers, whereas the male has no eyelashes, and blue eyelids and tail feathers. Brett tells Mona that with a little paint and wallpaper, they can move right in. Garfield thinks, "A little what?"
Jon is drinking coffee. He sees Garfield walk by with wallpaper and paste on his head. Garfield thinks it's a long story.
("Friends Are There")
"And just remember what you paid to get in."
Garfield: The Great Getaway
At the airport, an announcer announces that a connecting flight from Chicago to New York is in the final boarding stages, and makes a last call for passengers. That means him in the ugly coat, a.k.a. Jon Arbuckle. Jon's hurrying. He makes it onto the plane, squeezes past passengers, and says he's finally taking a vacation without Garfield. Ch. Yeah, right. We briefly look at a man with what appears to be a gift basket of food. Jon's bag opens, and a paw extends from within. A claw extends, and slices through the plastic. A thick sausage is removed, and consumed within the bag. Meanwhile, Jon notices the lovely woman in the seat beside him, and says, "Ohhh!" She greets him, and guesses they'll be seatmates for a while. She introduces herself as Roselyn (pronounced rose-lyn). Jon stammers his name, then says he's heading for New York. The shades-wearing man reading the newspaper in the seat behind takes notice. Jon says he's going to spend the weekend in the Big Apple. Garfield thinks that's a good idea, and grabs the apple from the gift basket. While Garfield munches on someone else's gift, Roselyn invites Jon to tell her about himself. He says he's a cartoonist, and has a cat named Garfield, whom he (thinks he) left at home, hundreds of miles away.
The plane lands at Kennedy International Airport in New York, as the stewardess informs us, and gives us the usual post-flight stuff about seat belts and complete stops. Roselyn asks Jon if he knows his way around New York. He doesn't, really. Roselyn offers to show him around, and gives a time of 8:30, and a meeting point of the lobby of his hotel. She knows a wonderful Italian restaurant near Central Park. Jon thinks this is a great idea. The man behind them gets another closeup during some of this. Afterward, the man with the gift basket has come to notice that it's empty, and is looking at it in confusion. The woman beside him is surprised, as well.
Jon takes a moment to gaze at the lights out the window of his hotel room. He notices that it's 7:45. He thinks he'll take a quick shower and shave. He opens his bag, however, and finds... "Garfield!" ...leaping out with a "Ta-da!". Jon asks how he got there. Knowing Jon, Garfield thinks it was economy coach. Jon dumps the contents of his bag, the rest of which is canned lasagna, but which was intended to be a shaving kit, socks, and underwear. Garfield had to have room for the electric can opener, you see. (It somehow was not dumped out with the cans.) Face Palm on the part of Jon. Garfield compares the importance of Jon's underwear to the possibility of Garfield starving. Jon tells Garfield that he met a beautiful woman on the plane who likes him, and he's not going to let him spoil this weekend. He admonishes Garfield not to set one foot outside the hotel room. This instruction is punctuated with a few pokes to the nose and one to the belly. Jon walks off, and Garfield (The sign outside the window says "Hotle". Is that a hotel made from dried and smoked ripe jalapeño peppers?) Garfield is unhappy at Jon having tried to leave him home, and now, spoiling his weekend. She asks if he's ready for the best Italian food he's had in his life.
Jon waits in the fancy lobby by a pillar. He tells the approaching Roselyn that she looks terrific. After they're out of the picture, Garfield peeks from within a potted plant, then leaps out.
At the Napoli Italian restaurant, Jon and Roselyn are at a table, Jon patting Roselyn's hand and looking into her eyes. Garfield comes through the door, calling his going to an Italian restaurant without him "the ultimate insult". He passes a man asking someone on the phone about a "Jon Arbuckle", a name which Garfield recognizes. The man is told he's a cartoonist, and surmises that he's probably just a "mark" she met on the plane. She'll go for his wallet; she's the best pickpocket he's ever seen. Garfield is shocked at first, then realizes her interest in Jon now makes sense. He now has to make sure that Jon isn't alone with her... which, happily, coincides with his original plan.
Roselyn tells Jon she ordered linguine calamari. (Presumably on the phone, because otherwise, it would make no sense for her to say this.) The waiter — a cheerful-looking man — carts a covered dish over to them. Jon asks what it is. The man lifts the cover... revealing Garfield eating the last of it, and inking that it tastes like spaghetti with squid all over it. Jon says Garfield's name, and falls backwards in surprise. Garfield jumps off the tray, gives Roselyn the pointer finger, and tells Roselyn to leave Jon alone; he's the only one he's going to let clean Jon out of everything he owns. Jon jets out of there with Roselyn, leaving Garfield to tell Jon he can't leave without him. Garfield hi-amberjacks a mop and cart and follows them out. Jon tells a taxi driver to take them... anywhere. The taxi takes off, and Garfield continues to pursue.
At the art museum, Jon apologizes to Roselyn about what happened as they admire a painting. Roselyn calls it okay, as long as she's with him. She also calls him "Jonny". They walk near a painting called "Blue Boy". Jon tells Roselyn he's got to hand it to her, but Roselyn tells him, as she sticks her hand into his jacket, not to bother, as she'll help herself. Garfield, who's in the Blue Boy painting, sees this, and as Jon is gushing over her knowledge of great places to go, leaps into Jon's arms. Jon says his name again, drops him, and flees with Roselyn.
On the observation deck of a tall building, Jon is looking through a telescope as Roselyn stands by. Suddenly, a grappling hook catches on the parapet nearby, and Garfield climbs over. He calls it a tough climb. He approaches the two, and Roselyn leaps into Jon's arms this time. Jon runs off with her again.
This time, La Liberté éclairant le monde is the destination, and they're near the souvenirs. Most are statuettes of Liberty. Jon tells her not to worry, as Garfield will never find them there. Pfft, he already has, for he's on the souvenir table, dressed as the statue. After saying there isn't a chance, Jon suddenly notices that Garfield is there. He asks to be excused to settle something once and for all with his cat. As she allows it, she sneaks his wallet from his jacket, and says she'll wait outside. Uh-huh, I'm sure she really intends to do that. Jon asks Garfield how he could do that; all he wanted was one weekend, or even one evening away from him. Garfield tries to get Jon's attention. Jon says he's going to give him money for a cab back to the... we can surmise that the next intended word was "hotel", but he doesn't say it, for in his groping for his wallet, he finds only empty space where it was, and checks the other side, and his pants pockets. Garfield crosses his arms. Jon asks if Roselyn took it, and Garfield nods. Jon runs down the stairs, calling for Roselyn, just after Garfield jumps out of the costume and grabs his shoulders.
At the bottom of the stairs, Jon is getting tired, but out the door, he sees that Roselyn has been apprehended by... the man from the seat behind them! Jon starts to tell him she took her wallet, but he already knows. He's from the Federal Bureau of Pickpocket Prevention, and has been after her for months. He returns Jon's wallet to him, and leads Roselyn away. She thanks him for a lovely evening. He gives her a goodbye. Neither seems to be upset with the other, either Jon for almost losing the contents of his wallet permanently, or Roselyn for having to endure his company, only to be thwarted in the end. Jon apologizes to Garfield, calling him his best friend, and saying he shouldn't have tried to leave without him. He asks how he can make it up to Garfield. Garfield has an idea.
Surprise, they're back at Napoli, where Garfield is going to empty Jon's wallet the old-fashioned way: actually spending the money within. There's a tall stack of dishes on the table, and Garfield is eating pasta with... olives? or perhaps peas? Jon figures it would have been cheaper just to have let her take the wallet. (Yes, but you still would've had to feed the cat, and I'm not sure all that canned lasagna would be enough.) Garfield calls himself "an expensive date", and, after having eaten his last plate with a fork, scarfs the new plate with his hands.
Orson's Farm: Quickie
Orson is walking along, when he spots what appears to be a weed in the ground. He pulls on it, and, after some effort, pulls it up... and finds it attached to colored handkerchiefs tied together. He keeps pulling, and finds a rabbit with a bow around his neck at the other end. He finds the other barnyard residents — even Lanolin — cheering and applauding. He gives a dull "Ta-da."
Orson's Farm: Scrambled Eggs
Orson greets us, saying it's nice to have us here again. He says we should've been here last week. (You mean, when Roy had Wade convinced there's not gravity? No?) Of course, with the power of flashbacks, it'll be just like we were there last week! At any rate, he tells us Sheldon had quite an adventure. Orson arrives at a mostly-horizontal tree, and sits on it.
So, there was this mother turtle out by the lake. She'd laid an egg, and As You Know, turtles bury their eggs in the sand. With a shovel, apparently. Let's see, floofy blond coiffure with pink flower, lipstick, eyelashes, and... chest bumps... that's what females look like regardless of species, right? Anyway, she'd like the egg to hatch while she's bowling.
Okay, I admit to not knowing a whole lot about turtles in general, so it's off to The Other Wiki. Okay, it seems that what I knew of loggerheads is true of turtles in general: they lay large numbers of eggs, not just one. Also, eggs of the largest species are spherical, while the egg she has is the classic egg shape and very light brown with less-light brown spots. I guess this is all to avoid mommies being asked, "Why is she pooping ping-pong balls into that hole?" She wants the egg to hatch while she's bowling. She's a little smug about being oviparous, calling it "the only way to have a kid."
This egg, however, has other ideas, not wanting to be buried. His legs and tail pop through the shell. He also doesn't want to be a turtle. He runs right past his mother in an attempt to see what else there is. She sees him, calls him a cute baby, and hopes hers is — that's hers! She drops her bag and pursues him. He's determined not to be a turtle, as it's too slow, and continues his run.
Not far off, Booker and Sheldon are on a worm hunt. Booker wants Sheldon to see his worm trap. Sheldon recalls that he's been doing this for months, and asks how many he's caught. Booker pulls out a calculator and figures it out, ending up with an answer of "none." Sheldon has a feeling today won't spoil his perfect record. (Booker's calculator, by the way, has a grand total of nine keys on it. I'd say it must have been invented before the concept of 0, but that was his result, so...) Booker still thinks he'll get one.
So now, Sheldon is walking alone, wandering through the woods, when he's picked up by the mother turtle from earlier! She begins making over him, and calling him her baby, because she's got no eye for details like main shell color, spots, leg thickness, or leg color. When he denies it, she says he'll always be her baby, and to be a good little turtle. He says he's not a turtle. She's amused that he's not even born and already lying to his mother. The real turtle peeks from behind a tree.
A rope has been wound thrice around a tree trunk, taken through a hollow log, wound once around a tree limb, taken underground and back out, laid amongst the branches of a purple thorn bush, and tied around a big boulder precariously positioned on a precipice. Booker, holding the other end, calls it the "perfect worm trap," and all he has to do is bait the end. He wonders what worms eat. "You catch fish with worms. Maybe you catch worms with fish." A helpful worm brings a book to give him the answer. While Booker is reading, however, the worm pushes the boulder off, dragging Booker through the path described earlier, and off the cliff, yelling a threat to get him. Except... wait... no thorn bush? I'm not saying I want to see Booker scratched up and bleeding, but if that's what they were trying to avoid, they shouldn't've had it there when we were looking at the rope before. The worm goes to the edge and watches, waiting for what turns out to be a splash. A fish with a Cranial Eruption picks him up and tosses him out onto land, where he bounces from his head and lands on his rear in front of the turtle baby from earlier. He immediately calls the turtle "Sheldon", but he's obviously got a concussion (despite showing no other signs, such as Circling Birdies), so I'll give him a pass... for now. He gets up, wanting to go back to the farm. The turtle starts to tell Booker that he's not Sheldon, but Booker launches into telling the turtle what that "low-down, spineless worm" did to him. (Well, whaddya expect from an invertebrate that lives underground?) The turtle goes ahead and follows.
Meanwhile, Sheldon, who would like to be able to go back to the farm himself, is being buried in the same manner as the actual turtle. The mother, who doesn't have Booker's excuse, tells him to go to sleep, "my baby." He says he's not her baby, but a chick. She says she'll sing him a lullaby. (I suppose a turtle who lays only one egg at a time can afford to be this... motherly, for values of "motherly" that don't tend to apply to turtles.)
Puffy pillows made of cotton candy
Fluffy willows swaying in the breeze
It is at about this point that Sheldon makes a bid to run. Just because he wants to go home, not that she sings badly; the voice actress has a nice speaking and singing voice.
Sleep, little baby, grow big and strong
Never have the sniffles
Never have to sneeze
And it's at this point that Sheldon is grabbed up again... but now, the mother's coiffure is a little wilder, and she sports a pink shirt, purple shell cover, purple half-fingered gloves, black leather skirt, fishnet stockings, and fuschia heels.
C'mon and rock!
All day long
Sleep and rock while I sing this song
Sleep, little baby,
forty winks you can catch
Sleep and rock and roll until you hatch
C'mon and rock!
Don't want no alibi
Sleep and rock to a rock 'n' roll lullaby
Sleep, little baby, and rest your head
Don't be a chicken, be a turtle instead
Sleep and rock!
The turtle lands on him, back to normal appearance. Sheldon wants help, as he's under a turtle. Said turtle decides that if he thinks he's a chicken, he should be hatched like one. She knits a shellsweater.
Back on the farm, Roy has someone targeted for industrial-strength sneeze powder. (...Like, when you want a factory to sneeze? I don't know.) He sprinkles some on the bill of a sleeping Wade. Wade wakes soon enough, having to sneeze. Like, going-into-contortions having to sneeze. This is followed by him sneezing himself several yards backwards, and through the wall of the barn. Roy laughs, peeks through the hole, says "Gesundheit," and leaves, laughing some more.
Just then, Booker and really-obviously-to-anyone-with-eyes-not-Sheldon return. The worm passes them, and Booker gives chase. The turtle baby "made it": he doesn't have to live out in the lake and be a turtle. Roy spots him (except he already has spots, ba dum tish), and makes the same assumption as Booker. He shakes some powder on the passing turtle, because it's perfectly possible for powder to penetrate through to make his nose itch. Because this is a cartoon. The turtle considers being a turtle boring, but suddenly has to sneeze. With Roy listening and loving it, the turtle sneezes, and when the dust clears... he's sneezed his eggshell off. (Not even a second out of his shell, and he's already in diapers.) Roy comes around the corner, but doesn't see Sheldon, so he comes to the obvious conclusion. ...Okay, he doesn't, because that would be sensible. He asks the turtle if he's seen Sheldon. He picks up a shell fragment, which has apparently reacted with the itching powder, turning it white. The turtle runs off, saying that the farm is too strange for him. Roy figures Sheldon sneezed himself into nothingness. Having come to that conclusion, he's properly regretful, at least. He thinks the bottles of itching powder should have warning labels, and that he's done a terrible thing.
Of course, Sheldon is safe, inasmuch as being under a turtle reading a turtle diary is safe. Sheldon, however, hatches the idea of cooking burgers on his barbecue. Soon enough, the mother jumps up with a yell, allowing Sheldon to run off, but not without her in pursuit. Thankfully, however, her actual baby is running in their direction, and he and Sheldon collide. The mother sees him and figures out that the turtle is her baby. Sheldon takes off, thinking she still thinks he's hers. She does stop at the turtle, however. (She also states the obvious, but I'll take that over her being oblivious to the obvious.) "She recognized him right away. A mother always knows." Thaaat's kind of a generalization there, and I'm sure there are cases where that's not true. The baby is happy, and the mommy is happy. The end.
Oh! About Roy? He's feeling low, figuring he's "not fit to eat with pigs. Sorry, Orson." Not that he's anywhere in sight. He continues to berate himself, with a brief break to greet Sheldon, who passes by. It takes a few seconds for him to realize, and he runs back to Sheldon and picks him up. Sheldon asks him what's up. Roy repeatedly kisses his shell, saying he's alive; not yet born, but alive. He's glad to see Sheldon, and makes a promise not to play a joke on anyone ever, as long as he lives... until next week's show.
That's the end of the story. Orson is happy to say that everything is back to normal. (No, not until next week's show, Orson.) Wade passes by, sneezing every few steps, but they're on the high end of normal sneezes. Orson calls "Gesundheit!" after him and winks at us.
Hansel and Garfield
HANsel...? HANsel...?
Garfield is asleep. He has a... what kind of clock is that? Garfield wakes up before it goes off, and notices this. He explains that it has a special early detection system for Mondays, and warns him when it's Monday. Just then, it goes off, and explodes. Garfield takes this to mean that it's Monday. He heads in the direction of the kitchen, wondering what could be worse than Monday. This time, this kind of query is Nermal's cue to show up. He's learned a new cute trick: chasing his tail.
There's a knock at the door, and Jon answers it to find a woman in a green blouse, skirt, and suit. She's interested in the free kitten. Jon doesn't know what she's talking about. She brings up the sign: "Free kitten to anyone who asks, no questions asked. Might even PAY you $20.00 to take it!" Jon instantly knows Garfield is responsible, and yells his name. He apologizes to the woman, and tells her the offer is void where prohibited.
Jon tells Garfield he can't give Nermal away. Garfield knows; he's tried. Jon adds the part about giving people $20 to take him. Garfield thinks he's right; if he makes it $50, he'll throw in Odie. Jon thinks he should have let her have Garfield. He gives Garfield an ultimatum: be nice to Nermal, or he'll never feed Garfield again. Garfield considers this. After all, in some episodes, this would touch off an escalating battle of Jon trying to keep Garfield from being able to eat and Garfield getting food anyway, culminating in Jon realizing that in his ardor, he hasn't eaten, and giving up on the lesson. Jon repeats the declaration, but Garfield's still thinking about it.
Nermal is in the chair, watching television. He wants to watch cartoons, but all that's on are soap operas at the "'Oh John,' 'Oh Marsha'" scene. So, he wants Garfield to tell him a story. Garfield starts telling the story of a kitty who was so obnoxious that the handsome prince mailed him to Adu Dhabi. This is where Nermal catches on and says his name, so Garfield starts telling the story of Hansel and Gretel instead.
The eponymous children look a lot like Garfield, so it stands to reason that they're always very hungry, and always eating like pigs. (Even when the food looks like green mashed potatoes.) Nermal asks if it's like Garfield. Garfield explicitly ignores this. Their father, who also looks like Garfield, is a woodcutter, but there's not much wood around to cut. He announces the utter lack of food. The boy checks the cupboard: only spider webs there. The girl looks in the refrigerator, but there's just an I.O.U. hanging from the bulb. Garfield fights a mouse who's about to spring a trap baited with Cartoon Cheese. They tug it back and forth, but said cheese is surprisingly elastic, stretching between them rather than breaking off in either's paws. Gretel asks her father why he can't buy more. He explains that nobody requires his services. Gretel has the idea of going with Hansel (who has either won the whole wedge or a part of it, and is eating what he has) to find food. Their father likes the idea, and gives them distance by throwing them. He tells them not to come back without something on the order of pizza or Chinese food.
The two head through the forest, Hansel leaving whole bagels with cream cheese behind as a trail back. Nermal thought they dropped bread crumbs, and asks where they got the bagels. Garfield says they passed a deli. (Which should have solved their problem right there, if they have access to the food of a deli without needing to pay.) Nermal is told not to interrupt.
They keep going until they can go no more. Hansel is starving, it having been so long since he'd eaten. Nermal asks how long it'd been: about nine minutes. Then Gretel smells gingerbread. "They" run through the forest (that is, Gretel runs while holding Hansel's wrist, and Hansel is just kind of flying behind her) until the find the source of the smell: a house made entirely of gingerbread. Nermal asks in wonderment if it was really made of gingerbread. As Hansel picks up an ingredients label, Garfield divulges that it was made of sugar, enriched flour, ferrous sulfate, thiamine mononitrate, sodium pyrophosphate, and various artificial colors, but they were hungry enough, so it didn't matter. Hansel eats the list. They continue eating, as the witch who lives there watches them. She, of course, is looking forward to cooking them. Nermal thinks that's awful, but Garfield thinks it's just a story, like those cartoon shows on TV. Nermal thinks they never do things like that in cartoons, as they teach you to be sweet and nice, and always agree with everyone. "Yeah, sure," thinks Garfield, and continues the story.
The witch invites the children in, on the pretense of giving them a real treat. She takes them over to the stove, but Hansel and Gretel are on to her, and shove her into the oven. Nermal tells him to stop, as kids shoving old women into ovens is awful. Jon asks Garfield what he's doing that's upsetting Nermal, but decides he doesn't want to know, and tells him to stop doing it. Nermal is sympathizing with the witch a bit too much, so Garfield thinks of a way to tidy the story up.
So instead of shoving the witch into the oven, they call the City Building Commission and report a house made out of gingerbread. Within seconds, the building inspectors arrive and tell the witch she's in violation of Section 17/JW of the city zoning code, as it's unsafe. They condemn the building, sell it at auction to a guy putting up condos and mini-malls. This means a lot of work for woodcutters... including Hansel and Gretel's father, who gets to take home what's left of the house. The family eats happily ever after. Nermal is still concerned for the welfare of the witch, and doesn't think that was a nice story. Garfield decides that the witch goes into business franchising gingerbread day care centers. With that loose end tied up, Nermal decides that was a nice story, after all, and walks off. Garfield notes that it's getting tougher to please kids these days. It's only a story, after all. He walks into the kitchen, but stops to grab and eat a chunk of the doorway and attached wall.
Next time: Disc 3, Episode 17!
