Artie and one of the nuns are discussing the plan. Hawk says that trusting Voltan is a colossal mistake. Projecting much?
Balls is sent to scout, and takes all of two seconds to do so. Competent. And another gag about Balls and Gort and food in which Balls tricks Gort into thinking he's eating lizard eyes when he's eating (unintelligible) nuts. I think he said "shepherd." It would about fit with the morality of the group.
Drogo makes his move, the nuns beg Hawk to hand over the gold to the approaching armed men, and the "heroes" set up an ambush in a fucking abbey. Badly.
Another eight-second fight scene I'll have to watch again to update the scorecard, but now even Balls has racked up a higher kill count than the villain.
Crow: 16 (not counting those two hats and a string) Gort: 10 Artie: 7 Hawk: 6 Balls: 3 Voltan: 1
So the movie should be called Hawk and the Slayers, but hey, more extras are dead, Drogo's unconscious and being dragged back to Voltan by two of his henchmen, and the plot (such as it is) has stalled again thanks to this pointless attempt at self-promotion on Drogo's part.
Crow nasally (really incredibly nasally) drones that the only peace the Abbey would have gotten is "the peace of the dead."
Drogo dies in his father's arms, which ties Hawk up with Artie. Voltan, not to be outdone by Balls, orders the two henchmen who brought Drogo back to fight or die (each other, it's presumed, but they choose to try to sneak up on him) and he kills one with his trusty throwing dagger and one with a spear. Why does he even have a sword?
Voltan approaches the abbey alone, on horseback. The climax approaches, and that's a horrible thing to call it because it reminds me that this movie is screwing me over with every scene.
Voltan: I am making my demands in as HAMMY A MANNER AS POSSIBLEEEEEEEE!
Flashback to the death of Hawk's one true excuse for hating his brother. Gort recommends taking the fight to Voltan, so Crow is dispatched to run through the forest in slow motion to retrieve Patricia Quinn.
She summons a fog that makes it really hard to keep score.
Crow: 25 (and assorted inanimate objects) Gort: 14 Artie: 13 Hawk: 7 Balls: 4 (I'm not sure about what happened at one point, so I'm giving him a kill during the impossible-to-make-out bit) Voltan: 3
Hawk (the Slayer, who is way behind on his slaying compared to jump-cut boy) bursts into a tent, where he is confronted by Voltan holding the Abbess at knifepoint.
Again, why does Voltan carry a sword everywhere?
Artie drags Hawk back out to the battle, where Balls confirms my guess by getting two more kills in the same camera angle as the last one, Gort gets one more, and they all run off, victori— wait, no they're not. WHAT THE FUCK? God dammit, Hawk, get back in there and do some SLAYING!
The gaming group head back to the inn to recover (and have some Cheetos and Mountain Dew) and you know what? I need a few minutes to recover, too.
Next: The conclusion. Dear God, please let it be the conclusion.
