Beach Episode... there’s a beach episode in my Sonichu... Do I even want to do this? Well, I might as well... Okay, so to recap on what happened, Chris-Chan is put on a bus (Thank God) and now the villains are going to attack CWCville. What will happen? Let’s find out by diving into Issue 8.
I apologize for not linking you to today’s issue, but there’s some mentions of explicit matters that I don’t wish to point out. As such, I will try to dance around the topics as best as I can. Also, I am skipping the prologue for obvious reasons if you’ve already begun to Google for the issue yourself.
We begin with Sonichu and Rosechu browsing a site called 4-cent_garbage.com, I don’t think there are internet sites that employ underscores as their main URL name and usually have it after the slash. That is if they don’t employ dashes instead. Anyways, it seems a peeping tom has been going around taking snapshots of the characters in their... eh-hem... private matters. And not just Sonichu. Megan, Chris-Chan, and even fucking Slaweel all had photos taken of them. You gotta question how an evil witch bent on destroying and forbidding all kinds of love is just allowing love to flourish around her.
However, the couple are more grossed out by the fact that Rosechu is drawn as a hermaphrodite. Yes. Despite the invasion of privacy that went on overnight, they simply want to march into 4-cent Garbage’s headquarters and show them that Rosechu is a woman. You know, in order to best sum up this issue without dipping into more of the explicit matters, I’m going to have to skip some scenes. Trust me, the skipping is worth it.
So off they go to the HQ, where Wild joins them to get the Sonichu Crystal inside the building. Huh, they’re still keeping with the arc? Alright, more kudos for Christian, I thought he’d leave that arc to burn in a fire of soapboxes. Then Wild talks about his father... Why? Why the dumping of backstory? Why the telling and not the showing? Why bring up this right now? Why bring up a plot point that may never happen? Anyways, the three go their separate ways.
The two lovehogs enter the apartment, where it appears to have a volcanic motif to it, with lava red walls and orange railings. Anyways, the two meet this devil secretary who tells them which floor to take. Sonichu is ticked off at the secretary’s rudeness, but Rosechu tells Sonichu to recall the story of Joseph. Yes, the story of how Joseph forgave his brothers for treating him like shit. Yes. Apparently Rosechu and Sonichu forget about that little story, since in one page, they beat up someone for each floor. Oh, and Chris-Chan breaks time, space, and multidimensional whatevers to punch someone in the face. Yeah. He can do that, and yet he’s still stuck in the void for some reason.
Thankfully, this is censored, so it skips past a lot of Big Lipped Alligator Moments. Anyways, Wild finds the crystal, but it overrides his camouflage, and Magi-Chan can’t teleport him out of there due to an anti-magic field generator or some sort. The two Sonichus confront the Big Bad for this episode, Jason, who claims to be 20 yet looks to be about twice that age. He’s also a troll... When he looks to be like the Big Bad from a Shonen Anime. Seriously, I’m getting Tobi vibes from him. Then Sonichu demands the removal of the Chris-Chan site and makes it out to be like this damn patriotic speech. Somewhere out there, Captain America is spinning in his grave. {someone whispers into his ear} Wait, he’s alive again?
Anyways, Jason the Big Bad says no and the two fight. They actually remembered the story of David and leave. Huh, you’d think with something as bad as this, they might decide “screw biblical teachings! BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD!” Oh wait, soon after, Jason gives Rosechu a pickle and it pisses her off (Makes Just as Much Sense in Context) and then she...
... She... Fuck this, I’m skipping it. It’s too stupid for me to talk about it. All I can say is that Rosechu is a fucking hypocrite who sets feminism back a few years. The only thing separating her from the batshit insane amazons from Amazons Attack is that she doesn’t go on a killing spree and try to murder every male on Earth. This just proves that you don’t need Chris-Chan to make everything a soapbox drama. I might as well skip the epilogue, since that too is sort of giving feminism a bad name. I mean, is there anything worthwhile about the epilogue?
{suddenly, a Rosechu drills out from the ground}
Erm...
{the name says “Simonla Rosechu”}
Eeeeeeeeeeerm...
{on her chest is something that looks eerily like a Core Drill}
OKAY! I KNOW! IT’S A RIPOFF OF SIMON! I mean... Of all the anime he rips off... He rips off Gurren Lagann? I mean, and that’s not even pointing out that this is not really his creation... I think I know why Christian put the Beach Episode as the cover... It will have us begging for that episode after this... THING! ... I feel dirty.
So skipping a lot of birthdays and Spring Break messages, we join up with Sonichu and the others at the beach. A Crystal is found in the ocean, but who cares! Shipping time! Bubbles tells Blake that she’ll get the last Crystal and after that, she’ll make up for the secrecy of their relationship that is more obvious than Spike crushing on Rarity. And then an evil chick turns into Bubbles...
...
Why does this keep happening to me? Why is it that every time I read this, I can’t help but make A Canterlot Wedding joke? I mean, The Power of Love, the long lost brother, now the evil Changeling. We actually get some backstory on her, and the best way to sum this up is that she’s basically Gatomon. That’s it. She’s a hidden member of a group of mons, raised by the Big Bad after she is separated, and is now evil. Exactly like Gatomon. And Graduon decides that Slaweel is more like his kind of Dragon instead of Silvana, why?
So while Bubbles is finding the crystal, Silvana is putting the moves on Shining Ar- I mean Blake. Meanwhile, Punchy and Wild are talking about how Angelica is ripe for the picking or something like that. Then a humanized Jigglypuff that’s been raised on too much Ranka Lee CDs comes and notices that Blake is knocked out (Yeah, Silvana has this... power to knock out her prey in the middle of... Okay, moving on!) and Magi-Chan shows us why psychic characters are the worst people to have in your story.
He downright tells Bubbles that Blake isn’t himself, and didn’t bother to warn Blake about the vice versa. I’ll say this, however, his reasoning is better than busting into the chapel and screaming out “SHE’S EVIL!” Especially since after, the Ranka Lee reject calls and says that Blake is knocked out. Supporting this is that, despite being able to transform like Ditto, who can gain the powers of anything it turns into, Silvana doesn’t know any lightning powers.
The two girls confront each other and in true anti-climatic fashion, Silvana exits before any actual fighting can be done. Before she leaves, however, Silvana comments on how could she be an ideal woman when she was never female to begin with, and the issue ends with a song sung by the Ranka Reject that we will never see again, and this IS FUCKING POINTLESS
! Christian then dedicates this issue to a fan of his who killed himself, though said fan is fake, so yeah. Oh, and now Chris-Chan has found himself a new girl. ... This is becoming like the Bond Girls. It’s like he’s saying to the readers: “Hey! Here’s my next girlfriend for a few issues before she leaves offscreen, never to be seen again along with some other characters!” As if feminism isn’t getting shunted enough.
So we’re done the Beach Episode, and all I can say is I want Chris-Chan back as the protagonist. Oh yeah, I said it. Sonichu, even when he gets the spotlight, gets shunted by his female counterpart and then by a side character. Chris-Chan on the other hand would have done something about all the shit that’s been going on. The first episode in this issue alone is fucking stupid. Ninth Issue better make up for this, and the cover looks like it can do just that.
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