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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

Cliche Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 12:26:22 PM
"But then again, I also don't see how it's physically possible for the mirror to shine in his eyes when the one light source was above him and the mirror was pointed away from him. Clearly, I just don't understand science."

This doesn't qualify as a blatant mistake? But even besides that, talk about a contrived "accident".
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 12:31:28 PM
I spent all that time talking about it, and forgot to include it on the list. Oops.

I'll fix that now. Thanks for pointing that out.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 2:13:50 PM
Oh lord, even the book uses portmanteau couple names. I liked yours better.

Also, Creme-Crobat? He has a hyphenated last name? Is it possible that, in this universe, men take their wives' last names instead of the other way around being common? Given how hateful the rest of this society seems to be towards guys, at least with the SMIZE thing...
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 2:19:21 PM
His real name is Christopher De La Crème. Chris-Crème-Crobat is his stage name. I think it's supposed to be a combination of his name and "acrobat", but it looks incredibly silly.
Jergling Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 2:46:04 PM
Let's do some math here! We'll assume Mr. De La Crème weighed roughly 70kg (he's a dancer, after all) and that 7 stories is 23m. If he were incredibly well-aimed, and 2m tall, he would decelerate over the entire length of his body.

v^2=0+2ad where a=9.8 and d=23. v=21.23m/s

applying this to the last 2m (we're basically calculating the deceleration of his head): 0=21.23^2 - 2(a)2 -> a=112.7m/s^2

112.7/9.8 = 11.5G

According to Wikipedia, this is comparable to taking a max-speed turn in a fighter jet. He would have been knocked unconscious even if he redirected all of the fall energy perfectly. It also sounds like he fell head-first, which is a more serious problem.

(I just realized he really only accelerates for 21m. Not a big difference, though)
Merlo Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 11th 2011 at 9:37:15 PM
"Chris-Crème-Crobat then arched upward to stand from his backbend and face his adoring, applauding, whistling, screaming fans. Ever the devoted showman, he thrust himself forward into a deep bow, impaling his eye on one of the five-foot swords at the perimeter of the stage."

I... what the shit. Seriously, WHAT.

I dunno though, am I a bad person for finding the rest of their interaction a little cute, other than the "look of disgust" part?
DrDahm Since: Dec, 1969
Jan 6th 2012 at 12:30:15 PM
So is Chris a dancer or an acrobat? I guess you can add the difference between the two to the list of things that Tyra doesn't know. This chapter actually made me pretty sad. Now all my dreams of dancing Dan Hibiki avenging his father have been dashed! Sorry, that alliteration hurt me too.
Mort08 Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 20th 2012 at 8:50:56 PM
-opens mouth, tries to speak, fails, closes mouth, shakes head, sobs-
MisterTambourineMan Since: Dec, 1969
Jul 31st 2019 at 8:45:53 PM
There was actually a lot of potential for pathos in this scene, and it could hae been pretty moving. Then it gets to how he lost his eye and I burst out laughing.
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