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Live Blogs Modelland: A Blind Sporking
LadyMomus2011-09-30 03:35:28

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Welcome to the Sporking

Ah, fantasy. It contains everything from the expansive world-building of Tolkien, to the pun-filled fluff of Xanth, to the formulaic but awesome Belgariad, to the gritty world of the Dresden Files. I've been reading books of fantasy and mythology as long as I can remember, and I still love finding a new fantasy world to explore.

But for every fantasy epic, there are a hundred mediocre tomes. For every thrilling adventure, there is a snooze fest. For every gem, a piece of compost cleverly masquerading as a book.

Which will it be? You never know until you read them.

Or - in the case of Modelland by Tyra Banks - until you look at the title and cover.

An Introduction to the Author

I will now share everything I know about Tyra Banks.

Tyra Banks is a model. She's been on at least one TV show about modeling. She was in the Hannah Montana Movie. She recently wrote and published a book titled Modelland.

. . .

Oh, and her name is derived from the Old Norse word for "Thor."

Demographics and Me

I saw Modelland described as both teen and young adult fiction, so the target demographic is presumably 13-25 year old girls. In theory, I should be in the target demographic. In reality, I'm so far out of the target demographic, I need the Hubble to catch a glimpse of them.

What I know about fashion could fit on an index card. I wear Christmas socks year round, have no qualms about wearing purple sweatpants with an orange t-shirt, and would rather go to the dentist than go shopping for clothes.

I didn't want to be a princess or a model when I was a kid. I wanted to be a Power Ranger or a Saiyan or a member of the U.S.S. Enterprise.

I spent years rejecting all things girly while embracing media aimed at boys and men. Since then, I've learned that my knee jerk reaction to media aimed at girls and women was incredibly unfair. Recently, I've learned to enjoy media aimed at girls. I've learned that just because something is feminine, cutesy or girly doesn't mean it's bad. In light of that, I am willing to give Modelland a chance.

A snowball's chance, but a chance nonetheless.

Liveblog Rules

This is a blind liveblog. I will be liveblogging each chapter as I read it, while doing my best to avoid spoilers. I am not allowed to start a chapter until I finished the one before it. I may continue on to the next chapter before posting, but I'll at least have a draft of that chapter's post done before continuing on.

Next time, we'll start at the very beginning.

Before the Beginning

I steal furtive glances around the room. The lunch room is empty. Too early for any witnesses. Even so, I hold one arm in place to shield my Kindle from anyone who might enter and see what I am about to do.

I type the word slowly. Modelland.

My breakfast threatens to crawl up my throat. My finger strays to the "back" button. It would be so easy to turn back now. To pretend I never considered it.

But try as I must, I cannot turn away. It beckons me like a flame beckons a moth. I try to banish my desires to eviscerate it. To ignore the desire to quench the lust of my spork. But I am no longer in control. IT has me, and there is no escape.

With a trembling hand, I hit the enter key.

BUY

I pray that my family never learns of my shame.

Comments

Ronka87 Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 6:15:35 AM
What is this, a Choose Your Own Adventure novel? Stop telling me what I think and feel. I AM NOT A MODEL— I AM A FREE (WO)MAN!

There's just... so much wrong with this. Goodness great-shoes? Goodness great-shoes?! I don't know whether to laugh or cry. Wait, yes I do— I am laughing. I am laughing so hard tea and peanuts are coming out my nose.

Also, SMIZES = Golden Tickets? It's really hard for me to imagine them as anything else. I await Tookie (snerk) meeting the seven other Wacky Contestants (TM) who get bumped off one by one for breaking their Modelland promises. One gets turned into a blueberry, trust me on this.
MrAHR Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 8:19:09 AM
Holy crapmuffins. This is practically...drug-inducing.

Also, how'd you do the picture thing? I do my own crappy liveblog, and I don't know how to do that.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 10:07:33 AM
Ronka87: There are definite Willy Wonka parallels. (It gets more blatant in the first chapter.) Except the SMIZEs are inferior to the Golden Tickets, since they don't guarantee you'll win. They just improve your odds.

Mr AHR: Upload an image with the Image Uploader. When you upload the picture, it will give the code for displaying the image.
FreezairForALimitedTime Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 11:49:36 AM
Xiaolin Showdown? YES! Even if it attracts ghosts, clumsy evil geniuses, and sexy sexy diabolical maniacs (...hmmm...), I'd much rather end up with a Shen Gong Wu than one of those pieces o' not-great.

However, if Tookie doesn't want to be chosen, could that mean she's the Only Sane Woman? Hmmm...

Also, I gotta say, that dedication... It's goofy, but you know what? I kinda like it. So... points for that, at least.
Sharysa Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 11:53:05 AM
Oh man, that excerpt I read on Amazon WASN'T from the beginning?! My opinion of this book is even worse.
silver2195 Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 12:02:04 PM
The concept has lots of potential for Deconstruction. Cliche Storms that turn out to be Deconstructions are rare, but they do happen. See Linebarrels Of Iron, for example. (Or better yet, don't; I haven't seen it myself, but I'm told the concept is executed in a rather annoying way. Deconstructions aren't always good, after all.)
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 12:22:29 PM
"However, if Tookie doesn't want to be chosen, could that mean she's the Only Sane Woman?"

She's the only one who doesn't think she going to be chosen. So she's either: the only realistic girl in this universe, or the only girl with crippling low self-esteem. (The first chapter indicates the latter.)
DoktorvonEurotrash Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 12:45:20 PM
Wait. Is the human sacrifice rumour actually in the book?

I'm going to hold out hope that it turns out to be true.
LadyMomus Since: Dec, 1969
Sep 30th 2011 at 12:58:39 PM
"Wait. Is the human sacrifice rumour actually in the book?"

Yep. I'm sincerely hoping there's truth in it, because that would make this much more interesting.
TheEmeraldDragon Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 1st 2011 at 4:07:05 AM
I see SMIZES and I read it as SM SIZE. How...approriate.
Mort08 Since: Dec, 1969
Jun 20th 2012 at 8:24:05 PM
I lost it at the bra simile. My six-year-old cousin can tell a better story than this.

Hell, Stephanie freaking Meyer can tell a better story than this.
KhymChanur Since: Dec, 1969
Oct 23rd 2013 at 12:25:14 AM
"We get more painful purple prose about a glowing eye appearing above the mountain, "

Sauron runs a modeling school?
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