Created By: ryanasaurus0077 on June 21, 2014 Last Edited By: ryanasaurus0077 on June 26, 2014
Nuked

DarthWiki/HowToGetHackedByAnonymous

A primer for corporations on how not to treat their customers, with Rule Of Funny in full effect

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NOTE: The below text is meant to be purely humorous in nature. In no way does it endorse hacking or corporate corruption or any other crap that can leave people open to hackers.

So you're a big business entity looking for new and inventive ways to screw over the public. There's a bunch of big gangs out there who are looking for a fight, and you can't seem to reach them in order to give them a fight. So how do you get their attention?

Easy: bring them to you!

This list is designed for dumbass corporate jackasses who are addicted to getting their asses hacked by Anonymous, Lulzsec, and the like, as well as other SOBs who enjoy the company of black hats.

What to do if you like being hacked

  • Behave like a terrorist towards anyone with enough brains to reverse-engineer your electronic device.
    • Extort one million dollars from them and threaten to have them locked up unless they pay up.
    • Burglarize every last electronic device from their homes.
  • Claim that Anonymous can't hack your stuff.
  • Taunt Anonymous by claiming you've got the identities of their head honchos.
  • Write an open letter that calls the people that complain about the glaring problems in your product ungrateful/cheaters/morons/other insult.
  • Make bogus claims about contacting the authorities. The easier it is to call the bluff, the better.
  • Pretend to be an innocent 3rd party and defend yourself using such detailed knowledge that it is obvious that it's actually yourself.
  • Threaten people with obviously unjustified legal action.
    • Don't just threaten, actually unleash a Frivolous Lawsuit on them! You can then win and bankrupt them by:
      • Claiming slander/libel if what they're saying is false;
      • Claiming copyright infringement if they happen to be true; or
      • Claiming anything else you can possibly find instead of or in addition to any of the above.
  • Hold a public contest, ensure that they win and then refuse to give out the promised prize.
  • Make up facts to support your claims. The easier to prove false, the better.
  • Arrest people for feeding the homeless.
  • Pressure an Internet crusader to the point of killing himself.
  • Make homosexuality a criminal offense, thereby enforcing homophobia in your country.
  • Focus your corporate evil against politically incorrect targets such as minorities (any kind), poor people, and children.
  • Support censorship that will put everyone in your country in prison on criminal charges (SOPA, ACTA, etc.).
  • When someone has genuinely done something wrong to you, pursue "justice" to the ends of the earth and ruin their lives, even if they have clearly learned their lesson.
  • Avoid kind deeds such as charitable giving even if it is obvious you can spare some resources.
  • Fund and bribe terrorist groups and militias to commit acts in your favor.
Community Feedback Replies: 22
  • June 21, 2014
    DAN004
    Well...?
  • June 21, 2014
    ryanasaurus0077
    All I can think of right now are the geohot and graf_chokolo incidents.
  • June 21, 2014
    KathiraNarae
    I wholeheartedly approve of this idea. Alas, I cannot think of any additions to the list, but I'll tackle Google tomorrow and try and find something.
  • June 21, 2014
    Andygal
    Claim that Anonymous can't hack your stuff.
  • June 22, 2014
    henke37
    • Write an open letter that calls the people that complain about the glaring problems in your product ungrateful/cheaters/morons/other insult.
    • Make bogus claims about contacting the authorities. The easier it is to call the bluff, the better.
    • Pretend to be an innocent 3rd party and defend yourself using such detailed knowledge that it is obvious that it's actually yourself.
    • Threaten people with obviously unjustified legal action
    • Hold a public contest, ensure that they win and then refuse to give out the promised price.
    • Make up facts to support your claims. The easier to prove false the better.
  • June 22, 2014
    lakingsif
    "Burglarize"? Lol, I believe you're looking for steal.

    Ooh, that sounds rude. But, "this computer has been burglarized!"...
  • June 22, 2014
    lakingsif
    • Write a wiki entry on how to get hacked by Anonymous, who may believe you are mocking them or find their work a joke, when in reality you only have the utmost respect for such organisations.
  • June 22, 2014
    Bisected8
    ^^ Burglarize is correct (as a verb describing what a burglar does in a burglary), although my own dialect of English uses burgle.

    Also, maybe How To Start An Internet Counter Attack would be a more inclusive title?
  • June 22, 2014
    DAN004
    ^ That'd be easy: "Push a Fandom Berserk Button".
  • June 22, 2014
    lakingsif
    ^^ my English degree disagrees. A burglar steals, perhaps burgles as you said (but, like burglarize, my autocorrect doesn't like it); a lamp can be stolen, but not burglarized. Almost sounds like you're actively doing something to it, like minimising. Guess someone couldn't remember stolen and it's caught on as a ridiculous synonym, but like heck it's a word or correct.
  • June 22, 2014
    ryanasaurus0077
    ^^^^ Ugh... seriously?
  • June 22, 2014
    dalek955
    ^^ Yah, you burglarize a home and steal all the electronic devices in it.
  • June 22, 2014
    KathiraNarae
    • Threaten people with obviously unjustified legal action.
      • Don't just threaten, actually unleash a Frivolous Lawsuit on them! You can then win and bankrupt them by:
        • Claiming slander/libel if what they're saying is false
        • Claiming copyright infringement if they happen to be true
        • Claiming anything else you can possibly find instead of or in addition to any of the above.
  • June 23, 2014
    lakingsif
    ^^^ not if you don't like it.

    My dictionary says that "burglarize" isn't a word. Maybe yours says the opposite, but I really wanna drop the topic: agree to disagree?
  • June 23, 2014
    Bisected8
    Are you sure? It's in my kindle copy of the Oxford English Dictionary and their website cites it back to the 19th century. Perhaps your dictionary's abridged?

    EDIT: I didn't read your post properly. Yeah, probably best just to drop it.
  • June 23, 2014
    DAN004
    Why are we suddenly talking about burglarizing?
  • June 23, 2014
    ryanasaurus0077
    Apparently something to do with a magical little thing called "grammar".
  • June 23, 2014
    Mr.Movie
    Here's an addition:
    • Focus your corporate evil against politically incorrect targets such as minorities (any kind), poor people, and children.

    Also, I have a feeling that this whole thing could be edited maliciously quite easily. However, I find this article hilarious, and if it's launched I'll take care of it and report malicious edits to the moderators.
  • June 23, 2014
    MorningStar1337
    I've got one: Support Censorship that will put everyone in your country in prison on criminal charges (SOPA, ACTA, etc.)
  • June 24, 2014
    Mr.Movie
    • When someone has genuinely done something wrong to you, pursue "justice" to the ends of the earth and ruin their lives, even if they have clearly learned their lesson.
  • June 24, 2014
    ryanasaurus0077
    ^ Well put!
  • June 26, 2014
    Mr.Movie
    • Avoid kind deeds such as charitable giving even if it is obvious you can spare some resources.
    • Fund and bribe terrorist groups and militias to commit acts in your favor.
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