Line #5 Quotes/TheNostalgiaCritic


1	->''I always knew police were evil. I knew it! I had a feeling.''
2	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/Transformers2007''
3
4	->''And the good guys are the auto-bots and they kick ass and one of them's a hummer I'm totally buying a hummer today.''
5	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/Transformers2007''
6
7	->"Immediately a pool of disappointing memories came flooding back to me and I just knew I had to watch this stinker again."
8
9	->'''Huey, Dewey, and Louie''': Just believe in yourself!\
10	'''Critic''': Well I don't-\
11	'''Miss Piggy''': We care about you!\
12	'''Critic''': Well maybe I-\
13	\
14	'''Critic''': Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special. After all, they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.\
15	'''ALF''': Drugs aren't your pal, pal. They're your enemy.\
16	'''Critic''': A very sound point. Any objections?\
17	'''Smoke''': But I make him feel good.\
18	'''Critic''': He's got me there. [starts smoking]
19	-->-- Reviewing ''WesternAnimation/CartoonAllStarsToTheRescue''
20
21	->"Good God, I just pissed myself! That is the scariest thing in my entire life!"
22	--> -- His reaction to the ''Film/{{Cloverfield}}'' trailer.
23
24	->"I apologize from everyone in America. I deeply deeply apologize I mean my brain sometimes dies on me. Stupid white American, haha don't know anything. J-just don't, uh, don't..." runs the fuck away
25	-->-- Upon insulting a guy in a kilt.
26
27	->"So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, we proudly pissed our pants with joy, shit ourselves with excitement, vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up ''again'' in roaring anticipation. ...okay maybe only I did that.\
28	\
29	"They kicked ass back then [[TemptingFate and I'm sure they're gonna kick ass now]]."\
30	\
31	"You know... I'm starting to realize these movies aren't the masterpieces that I remember them to be.\
32	\
33	"So let's sit back and enjoy ''Film/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtlesIII." [five minutes later] sobbing {{angrish}} ensues
34	-->-- '''Critic''', reviewing ''Franchise/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles'' films.
35
36	->"I used to have a Ninja Turtle doll... that I [[{{Foreshadowing}} shot]]!"
37
38	->"But not today. Today, seeing as it's Halloween, I'm going to stand up for myself, gonna confront my fears and I'm gonna watch this scene all the way through." [he doesn't manage it]
39	-->-- '''Critic''', the "Top Eleven Scariest Moments".
40
41	->"But luckily all that violence and gore had no disturbing side-effects on our [[BlatantLies decent childhoods]]."\
42	* shoots his gun while drinking from a skull*\
43	"I'm sorry, I have to do that every twelve minutes.
44	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/StreetFighter'' review.
45
46	->"A Bat... Credit Card? They gave [[Franchise/{{Batman}} him]] a Bat... Credit Card? [[GoMadFromTheRevelation They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time]]... '''[[BerserkButton A BAT... CREDIT CARD?!? (goes nuts) NOOO! NOOO!]] DoesNotCompute! DoesNotCompute! DoesNotCompute!"''' (spews [[{{Angrish}} angry gibberish as he's restrained]]) \
47	''(20 minutes later...)''\
48	"I... apologize for that outrage. It was... childish and immature. I just get... a little peeved, when I see one of my childhood icons carrying... '''[[BerserkButton A BAT CREDIT CARD!! YOU BASTARDS!!! I'LL KILL YOU!!!! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!!!!! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE, YOU'LL GET THE GAS!!!]]'''" (is restrained again)\
49	''(One hour later...)''\
50	"Ahem... '''[[UnstoppableRage RAPE MY CHILDHOOD, WILL YOU?!?!? YOU WILL ALL DIE!! YOU WILL ALL DIE!!!]]'''" (is restrained AGAIN)\
51	''([[OverlyLongGag Seven hours later]]...)''\
52	"Takes a deep breath Okay! I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm fine. So, after Batman uses the... ''you-know-what''...
53	-->-- '''Critic''', on [[BerserkButton the Bat Credit Card]] in ''Film/BatmanAndRobin'', probably in his most memetic outburst
54
55	->"And as both you and I know, there ''is'' no comparison. I am by far the greater talent."
56	-->-- '''Critic''', first [[WebVideo/TheAngryVideoGameNerd AVGN]] rant.
57
58	->"I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street, it's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie, whatever your sexual preference is is none of my business. I'm sorry, Big Bird! I'm sorry everybody! cries I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! YOU! ARE! CHILDHOOD!"
59	-->-- '''Critic''', in the ''Film/FollowThatBird'' review.
60
61	->"When you're a kid all you can think about is being in high school. When you're in high school all you can think about is being in college. When you're in college all you can think about is being an adult. And when you're an adult all you can think about is being a kid again. LIFE FUCKING SUCKS!"
62	-->-- '''Critic''', in the ''Series/SavedByTheBell'' review.
63
64	->''"I'll do anything! Shave your back, do your taxes, prostitute myself for money! Just please not another song!"''
65	-->--- '''Critic''', ''WesternAnimation/TomAndJerryTheMovie''
66
67	->''"It's vague, it's confusing, and it's just a mess. Much like my sex life. Erm, I mean, uh... did I say that out loud? I, uh.."'' uses a neuralizer on the audience ''"And that's why I'm the greatest lover ever!"''
68	-->-- '''Critic''', ''WesternAnimation/{{TMNT}}''
69
70	->"And let me tell you something. That tie? ''Never'' comes off."
71	-->-- '''[[WebVideo/TheSpoonyExperiment Spoony]]''', [=SWS2=]
72
73	->"I had issues."
74	-->-- '''Critic''', "Old vs. New: Willy Wonka"
75
76	->"Please! Anything but this! I can't do it! I can't do it!"\
77	* all the Franchise/StarWars characters laughing at him*\
78	"'''[[BigNo NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!]]'''"
79	-->-- '''Critic''', getting ''Film/TheStarWarsHolidaySpecial''
80
81	->[talking about his earlier self] "It's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even handso- handsom- hands- prettier."
82	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/BattlefieldEarth''
83
84	->''"Ah yes, I remember when my old boss used to come down to my old company and spontaneously offer vice-presidency to one of the lower class. [[BaitAndSwitch Unfortunately I didn't get it.]] But I showed him."'' shows the I QUIT shirtless bit
85	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/TheFlintstones'' movie
86
87	->''"It's like trying to save a sinking ship with a band-aid. Anything I try to do would be completely pointless.'' Save me."
88	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/TheodoreRex''
89
90	->'''"Linkara"''': (''actually Critic pretending to be Linkara'') Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.\
91	'''Critic''': Oh, Linkara, there's no need to be so hard on yourself.\
92	'''"Linkara"''': No really, it was totally my fault. I should have known not to upset someone [[ButHeSoundsHandsome as powerful and handsome as you]].\
93	'''Critic''': (pleased and a little bit hopeful) Oh Linkara, are you saying I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?\
94	'''"Linkara"''': Yes. Yes I am.\
95	'''Critic''': Well I just don't know what to say. I mean I'm just speechless.\
96	'''"Linkara"''': Bat credit card.\
97	'''Critic''': [[UnstoppableRage expected response]]
98	-->-- ''Top Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups''
99
100	->''"What the hell was I thinking? I'm really having trouble with stuff Dora The Explorer can figure out?"''
101	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Top Next Nostalgia Critic Fuck-Ups''
102
103	->"In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [calls] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking of with the ending of My Pet Monster. In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general? [beat] Well... I don't know what I was expecting, I mean... [beat] Yeah, yeah, I saw the cover and I- I still rented it- and I watched it willingly. [beat, starts getting more embarrassed] No, I'm not babysitting anybody I uh- [beat] I'm twenty eight. [beat] W-well it's kinda my job. [beat] Yeah, I watch children's programming and tell people what I think online. [beat] I'm very happy that you pity me. [beat] Yeah, we're done! We're done. Just, uh, thank you for your time and I'm sorry to have inconvenienced you. Okay. Bye."
104	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/MyPetMonster''
105
106	->But I never intended all this bullshit, never,\
107	And nobody really understood,\
108	Well, how could they?\
109	That all I wanted to was to bring something ''great'',\
110	Why does nothing ever turn out like it should?\
111	Well, what the heck, I went and did my best,\
112	And my God, I really tasted something swell,\
113	And for a moment, why, I made directors cry,\
114	And at least I told them they could go to hell, I did.\
115	And for the first time since, I don't remember when,\
116	I just felt like my critical self again.\
117	And I no- stalgia Critic...\
118	That's right... I AM THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC! Ha-ha-ha!\
119	And I just can't wait until my next review,\
120	Because I got some new ideas, that I'd really like to do,\
121	And my God, I'm really gonna give it all my ''might''\
122	...uh oh, I hope there's still time to set things right.
123	-->-- '''Poor Critic'''
124
125	->"I may be pathetic, but I'm proud."
126	-->-- '''Critic''', after a breakdown.
127
128	->''"I'm a glutton for fucking punishment."''
129	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/TheLostWorldJurassicPark''
130
131	->'''Creator/VincentPrice''': Critic, I knew you would blow me off after that last phone call, so I set a time bomb in your house before it was built. Clever me. But don't worry, it's set to go off in exactly fifty seconds. You'd better run, big boy.\
132	'''Critic''': [quickly] I remember it so you don't have to.\
133	'''Creator/VincentPrice''': [while Critic tries to run] One, two, skip a few, fifty.\
134	* Critic explodes*\
135	'''Creator/VincentPrice''': Ohh, I love it when I'm nasty.
136	-->-- ''WesternAnimation/TheThiefAndTheCobbler''
137
138	->''"Okay, was I born a chick? Because I even knew what these things were at that age. Just because we're boys doesn't mean we're frigging morons."''
139	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/MilkMoney''
140
141	->''"I'm sorry, is this how white people act? I mean, I'm white and I'm incredibly confused."''
142	-->--'''Critic''', ''Film/MilkMoney''
143
144	->''"Yeah, I remember the last time I said this is the nineties, old man to my Dad..."'' [shakily and looking traumatized] ''"i-it really was the last time."''
145	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/{{Alaska}}''
146
147	->''"Um, hello everyone, I'm WebVideo/TheNostalgiaCritic. I remember it so you don't have to. Uh, they allowed me a short amount of time out of the internet state penitentiary. A- a little surprised to see that place actually existed, but it's apparently next to the [[Film/TheGarbagePailKidsMovie State Home For The Ugly.]] So, uh, they allowed me a short time out to answer your questions about the video I did last week."''
148	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
149
150	->'''Woman''': How does it feel to be responsible for the absolute worst LetsPlay to ever be put on the internet?\
151	'''Critic''': Bad. Definitely, uh, bad, but hopefully I can make some more funny videos and move on.
152	-->-- ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
153
154	->'''Man''': I had a robber break into my house, kill my wife and eat my children. He's not as bad as you.\
155	'''Critic''': ...thank you for that. And I'm very sorry for your loss.\
156	'''Man''': Don't give me your pity.
157	-->-- ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
158
159	->''"And it's not like my need to please the masses is going to affect my opinion in any conceivable way! I'm just going to praise it for the fantastic family romp that it is. ...really."''
160	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
161
162	->''"Now in any other movie I'd say these two were as strongly constructed as a bomb shelter made out of Popsicle sticks, but in this movie it works because... I really want you to like me right now."''
163	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
164
165	->''"And that's all I've gotta say about that. There, have I restored anything in your guys's eyes?"''
166	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/JamesAndTheGiantPeach''
167
168	->''Save me, Corporate America!''
169	-->-- '''Critic''', ''Film/StarTrekVTheFinalFrontier''
170
171	->'''Critic''': I hoped you learned your lesson.\
172	'''WebVideo/ThatSciFiGuy''': What lesson? I didn't do anything...\
173	'''Critic''': Do you want to go back to the corner?\
174	'''That Sci Fi Guy''': ...No...
175	-->-- ''Film/StarTrekInsurrection''
176
177	->'''Critic:''' Remember? Every single time you thought you were done with it, you came up with something better. When you had time to think, time to focus, time to put that extra effort into it. But you had anniversary movies, conventions, other shows, your own life to live. All while trying to write, act and edit a 20 minute video every single week. Face it buddy, you weren't done yet. You just. Hit. ''Burnout.''\
178	'''Doug Walker''': I'm not going back.\
179	'''Critic:''' Yeah? ''Then why don't you just make me go away?'' [Doug instantly switches him off]
180	-->-- '''The Review Must Go On'''
181
182	->'''Peter Soulless''': By having [[ParentalBonus grown-up humor]], we make it more adult. By modernising the dialogue, we make it more timeless. And by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better.\
183	'''Critic:''' No! Every single thing you said, you got backwards. By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By modernizing the dialogue, you make it more dated. And by changing the source material, you show how much you don't respect what's already perfect! I'm not going to act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't need to be updated, they don't need to be fixed. They don't even really need to have movies made about them. But if you're going to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material.\
184	'''Peter Soulless''': Well, of course I understand the source material. They're just simple kids' books.\
185	'''Critic:''' No. They're not just simple kids' books. They're stories that we're continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories we will never forget, and for good reason. They're stories that helped shaped our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings, and endearing morals. And the idea of ''this'' shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has [[InNameOnly the same name]] just makes me sick to my stomach. Maybe these "simple kids' books" are far more adult than you give them credit for. And I guarantee that'll show when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids' books", while pandering bullshit disappears from peoples' consciousness, also for good reason. Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics. It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way.\
186	'''Evilina''': Critic, I think I like your book better than I like the movie.\
187	'''Critic:''' So do I, kiddo. So do I.
188	-->-- ''Film/TheCatInTheHat''
189
190	->''[[ElementalPowers Four nations]] [[ElementalNation exist called]] [[DishingOutDirt Earth]], [[PlayingWithFire Fire]], [[BlowYouAway Wind]], and [[MakingASplash Water]]\
191	Til Fire decided things should get hotter\
192	Invasions aren’t nice, but then to break the ice\
193	Aang the Avatar rose to make them pay the price\
194	Katara and Sokka help him to keep in the know\
195	Flying what looks like a white [[Anime/MyNeighborTotoro Neighbor Totoro]]\
196	Chased by their foe, a young prince named Zuko\
197	Don’t ask him about his scar or [[Film/{{Hook}} Rufio]]\
198	The Avatar masters the elements flawlessly\
199	Toughest of [[HandicappedBadass Tophs]] turned a blind eye so cautiously\
200	Avatar State opens at a great rate\
201	But Azula serves his arrowed ass on a plate\
202	Katara revises him and they sing their love song\
203	But Zuko decides [[HeelRealization this emo shit’s gone too long]]\
204	[[HeelFaceTurn He switches sides]] [[Literature/TheLordOfTheRings at the turn of the tide]]\
205	So now Aang is on fire with his smoking guide\
206	Katara and Zuko beat Azula on the cuff\
207	Mostly because she is [[VillainousBreakdown cuckoo for Coco Puffs]]\
208	Aang’s feeling ill ‘cause he [[ThouShaltNotKill don’t want to kill]]\
209	But the [[Film/TheWizardOfOz cowardly Lion]] Turtle says “Hold still…”\
210	He’s given the gift to [[DePower depower the fire lord]]\
211	Nation says “Whatever”, Zuko can lead the horde\
212	[[HappilyEverAfter Go and live happily in the world that is free]]\
213	Just remember that it’s thanks to baldy\
214	So that is the show and it’s good that you know\
215	Because [[SugarWiki/GushingAboutShowsYouLike it is the best as good cartoon shows go]]\
216	And so now that you heard, go ahead, spread the word\
217	That the best Avatar ain’t [[{{Film/Avatar}} that blue pussy turd]]''
218	-->-- '''Critic''', summing up ''WesternAnimation/AvatarTheLastAirbender''
219
220	->"And the absolute biggest dumbass in distress is... BELLA. From {{Literature/Twilight}}. This has to be the most selfish, male-dependent, uncaring, manipulative, self-centered, pretentious, idiotic, whining little bitch-bag you will ever see in your ''entire life''! And honestly... that wouldn't be too bad a character, that'd be very, very interesting--''IF IT WAS INTENTIONAL!'' But it's not. Bella is supposed to represent the everyday teenage girl. If that's the case, the story really got mixed up who the ''blood-sucking monster'' is! She thinks she's tortured, even though really she has no problems. She gets a crush on a boy, and decides she wants to marry him, even though she's not even out of high school yet. She wants to be turned into a vampire, which everyone has said is throwing her life away. But of course, [[SarcasmMode at the enlightening age of 17, she already knows exactly what she wants!]] Aren't you glad ''you'' followed through with every bright idea you had at 17? Aren't you glad you totally committed to something you knew you could never make a mistake on at that age? Oh yeah, 17! [[DeadpanSnarker Nobody]] ''[[SarcasmMode ever]]'' [[DeadpanSnarker fucks up at that age!]] The boyfriend tries to leave her so he can save her, but she constantly throws herself off cliffs and throws herself in danger... ''just so he can notice her.'' GOOD. FUCKING. GOD. That's right girls, if your boyfriend leaves you, do this! ''(cut to Bella jumping off a cliff)'' I assure you it won't backfire in the least. Sure you might be '''dead''', but that'll teach him! She then gets another boy involved, who actually seems supportive ''and'' attentive, but she dumps him because the other guy looks at her weird. And by God, how can she turn down a boy with no personality that just looks at her weird? Again, one of those ''brilliant'' choices you make at 17. So now, a whole war is going on--''all because of her.'' And everyone's going out of her way to try and protect her, and she's simply like, "[[ItsAllAboutMe Yeah, that's cool.]]" Oh, wait, she does try to say once that she's not worth it, but that only lasts a few seconds. She then realizes that she ''is'' worth it, and is totally on board with having muscle boys carry her around everywhere! And just as her boyfriend ''finally'' agrees to marry her (imagine, a boy being pressured into marriage), she ''dicks around with the other guy'' yet again'''''. Oh my God. I mean... OH. MY. GOD. I have ''never'' seen a character more needy and more insecure. She's ''such'' a dumbass in distress, that it's actually kinda scary. ''She is a scary character.'' In another dimension, maybe she could've been a great Shakespeare villain, this really developed, complex, psychotic mind. But as the everyday, relatable girl that we're all supposed to identify with? She is, and always shall be, the biggest ''dumbass in distress.''
221	-->-- Critic, "Top 11 Dumbasses in Distress"
222
223	->'''Critic''': [irritated] Hello!
224	->'''Doctor''': Is this Nostalgia Critic?
225	->'''Critic''': [still irritated] Yeah.
226	->'''Doctor''': This is the St. Joseph hospital, I regret to inform you that your mother has just passed away.
227	->'''Critic''': W...what?
228	->'''Doctor''': Yes. She died last night peacefully in her sleep.
229	->'''Critic''': [about to cry] My God, I didn't even know she was sick.
230	->'''Doctor''': She wanted to keep it from you. She knew how busy you were and didn't want to interrupt your work.
231	->'''Critic''': S... sweet Jesus.
232	->'''Doctor''': She fought hard. She put up a good fight, but in the end there's simply nothing we can do. I'm sorry, son.
233	->'''Critic''': W... di- did she leave any final words?
234	->'''Doctor''': As as matter of fact, she did.
235	->'''Critic''': W-what were they?
236	->'''Doctor''': It was one single solitary word.
237	->'''Critic''': What was it, please.
238	->'''Doctor''': Alright, are you listening? [repeated about three times]
239	->'''Critic''': Yeah.
240	->'''Doctor''': Alright, here is her final word.
241	->'''Dinosaur''': [comes out of the phone] Alan.
242	->'''Critic''': [fumes and throws his mobile on the ground] I HATE THIS SCARE! [breathes heavily]
243	-->-- ''Film/JurassicParkIII''
244
245	->"Wow, apparently there is an exact term for it. Apparently it's called [[FunWithAcronyms Justification Experimentation Serving Unusual Sexuality, or in abbreviated terms... J.E.S.U.S.]]!!"
246	-->-- Critic, ''Film/SmallSoldiers'' review
247
248	->"Here we go 'round the idiot stop/It's loaded with fops, whose IQ's have dropped/I think you'll need some peppermint Schnapps/To get through this damn movie."
249	-->-- Critic!trucks, ''Film/MaximumOverdrive'' review
250
251	->"Every minute this movie plays, a snowman is hair-drying himself to death."
252	-->-- Critic, slamming ''[[Film/AChristmasStory A Christmas Story 2]]''
253
254	->'''Critic:''' And this part takes in what I'm noticing more and more in bad family films, especially in Creator/RajaGosnell's films: movement porn.
255	->'''WebVideo/AndreTheBlackNerd:''' What, you're ''anti-movement''?
256	->'''Critic:''' No, I'm anti-''lazy movement'', movement that only exists just to hypnotize your kids rather than engage them. Engaging movement involves a lot of variety. Sharp stops, varying speeds, unexpected turns, this is what make good visual storytelling. Here, everything is at the same speed, the same pacing, and the same kind of movement. There's no variation, so there's nothing interesting about it. What's more engaging, watching Mario go at one speed throughout the entire game, or watching him stop, slow down, go backwards, [[GoombaStomp stomp on things]]? This safe, boring, and repetitive movement is the same as looking at a watch waving back and forth; they're both trying to hypnotize and relax you so that you don't think about what you're watching, and that's not what a movie is supposed to do! You're supposed to think about it, you're supposed to be sucked in, but this method is an ingenious way to numb your brains without feeling bored, so you think it must be doing something right, when really, it's just junk food for your mind, and it's all over the movie.
257	-->-- discussing ''Film/TheSmurfs''
258
259	->And that was ''Film/{{Pixels}}'', one of the most hated films of the year. Is it one of the worst, if not ''the'' worst Creator/AdamSandler production that has ever been put together? No. It's not even close, really. There are so many other films that he's had a hand in that have tried less and ''accomplished'' less than this has. There was...one or two neat effects and every...twenty minutes, maybe, I had a little bit of a laugh, which is more than I can say for some of his other productions. So, why is there so much hate? Why does this one get people just so fucking pissed off? '''''Because it's 20-fucking-15.''''' The fact that Sandler is still using these lazy gimmicks with no changes is just becoming ''insulting.'' Even if you don't like his humor, which is totally understandable, you felt like he was at least ''trying.'' You felt like, even though it was weird, there was some form of effort being put into his work before. Here, it's like a $110 million auto-pilot. We know Sandler, as well as all the people here, can be both talented and funny. [[Creator/BillMurray But as so many comedians]] [[Creator/BenStiller are trying to evolve]] [[Creator/AmyPoehler and adapt with the times,]] Sandler seems bizarrely disinterested in getting better! I think we're angry because we ''want'' to like Pixels; we ''want'' to like Sandler's work. And when we find it's not only bad, but feels ''uncaringly'' bad, you wonder why nobody's waking up after all these bombs and saying, "Let's try something different. Let's step up our game, step up our jokes, step up our characters!" This is the tipping point where people are just saying, "Enough is enough. Give us effort again. Give us energy. Give us something that feels fresh and new, similar to the first surreal time that we've ever encountered you!" Until then, we still have the [[RunningGag Sandler App,]] and hopefully there'll be a day where this will no longer be a requirement in any of his films. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and...''[[SincerityMode come back.]]''
260	-->-- discussing ''Film/{{Pixels}}''
261
262	->We're not who we were. We change. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse, but we all change. Movies like this don't ''want'' us to change. They try to shame those who do things their own way. They act like the importance is in the details and not in the overall message. This is a horrible thing to teach, especially when talking about Christmas! But we shouldn't be ashamed of our past, nor should we glorify it. It's like anything; there's positives and negatives. There's good moments in bad times, and there's bad moments in good times. Because of this, traditions can be hard to figure out too. Sometimes we obsess over things when we don't need to, other times [[WebVideo/DemoReel we try something new when we probably should have left good enough alone.]] But in between one foot in the past and one in the future lies what matters most: the choices we make ''now'' are what always has, and always will, define who we are. So this Christmas, when you're remembering to be kind and understanding of others, [[YouAreBetterThanYouThinkYouAre remember to be kind and understanding of yourself]]. And those moments you remember as being embarrassing you may find are not only the most ''precious'' moments, but often the most important, and sometimes should be looked at with more appreciation than you think. We're always gonna get angry at ourselves, but as long as you always try to learn and get better, you'll find it doesn't last that long. And trust me when I say, you're definitely worth the time. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. This movie can suck it.
263	-->-- Discussing ''Film/ChristmasWithTheKranks''
264
265	->People, as someone that didn't watch ''WesternAnimation/{{Jem}}'' growing up and only kinda saw it once in a while in passing, even I can say: ''This movie's an insult!'' It goes out of its way to piss you off in every conceivable fashion! It doesn't work as a stand-alone film, it doesn't work as an adaptation, the choices make ''no'' sense, and it does everything in its power to make sure the fans will hate it! Look, I'm not gonna act like I enjoyed this stupid cartoon; [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 we all had our shows]] [[WesternAnimation/GIJoeARealAmericanHero that only existed to sell toys.]] [[WesternAnimation/TeenageMutantNinjaTurtles1987 I had mine, you had yours,]] [[Anime/PokemonTheSeries and that's fine!]] But there's a definite audience that grew up with this, and while I know there has to be changes when adapting a show to film, there is absolutely no respect and no love for any of the people that grew up with it! Say what you want about ''Film/{{Transformers\|2007}}'', but ''it had Transformers!'' This has ''no'' Jem...and they're strangely proud of that! While I admit it is ''kinda'' funny just what a reckless sellout it is, it does cross a sort of line when it's taking fans of the show and manipulating their footage to represent something that they ''know'' they're gonna hate! It not only feels forced and stupid, it feels...''wrong!''
266	-->-- Discussing ''Film/JemAndTheHolograms2015''
267
268	->The important thing about any character we're supposed to despise is that they have to connect to something we relate to. Whether they're someone we're supposed to have no sympathy for[[note]][[WesternAnimation/{{Cinderella}} Lady Tremaine.]][[/note]] or someone we're supposed to see humanity in,[[note]][[WesternAnimation/ThePrinceOfEgypt Ramses]].[[/note]] something has to be recognizable,[[note]][[Franchise/StarWars Darth Vader]].[[/note]] because it all comes from real places. And if there's no attempt to understand those real places, you lose the connection. This is why the jerk in this movie doesn't work--he's a shell of what other great jerks were, except with none of the understanding of what made those characters interesting. We're always supposed to connect, whether we're supposed to like the character or not. If no attempt is made to understand negativity, you'll never be able to give it direction. This is why this goddamn movie fails, especially at understanding the important things at Christmas.
269	-->-- Discussing ''Film/IllBeHomeForChristmas''
270
271	->Nobody knows what the future holds, but there's two things that are guaranteed: there's gonna be a lot of anger, and there's gonna be a lot of love. Use them wisely.
272	-->-- '''Critic,''' with sage advice at the end of the above review
273
274	->'''Critic''': So, looking at this eye-saurus after all these years, it ''is'' hitting me with more clarity why it's so easy to dislike him. One of the biggest reasons: he's creepy looking! When you compare him to, say, Disney characters or the Muppets, who spent years trying to perfect their designs, you can start to tell why. First off: the eyes. They're the most expressive part of the face, so either making them very large and complex or smaller and simpler can make a big difference. Barney's eyes are both big in the wrong way and small in the wrong way. The actual size of his eyes are tiny, but not simple enough to leave a gentle impact. Yet his pupils are huge and literally glassy, always looking dead, stoned, or possessed by Yoshi Satan! On top of that, his weird-ass teeth! Again, Disney and the Muppets rarely incorporated that much dental unless they wanted them to look intentionally weird. You probably noticed a big smile with a lot of teeth often comes across as domineering, or even a little scary. [[SelfDeprecation Heck, just look at this asshole!]] [[UnintentionalUncannyValley And not making them sharp, if anything, kinda makes it even]] ''[[UnintentionalUncannyValley more]]'' [[UnintentionalUncannyValley creepy.]] [[Film/SonicTheHedgehog2020 Remember when Sonic had normal-looking teeth?]] Remember when sharks were photoshopped with normal teeth? It didn't help anything; it just made shit scarier! So before Barney even says a word, you're already put off by him. But, books and covers and all that; maybe his personality has more charm than I remember.\
275	'''Barney''': ''(standing in a bathtub)'' Towel, please!\
276	'''Critic''': Well, Barney bathing naked in front of little kids is certainly a good start!\
277	'''Cody''': Real dinosaurs don't laugh! ''(Cody laughs in a mocking tone)'' There aren't any real dinosaurs anymore!\
278	''(The whole time Cody is talking, Barney just laughs)''\
279	'''Critic''': You know, maybe that's another big factor. I mean, that kid just insulted Barney and all he did was laugh! Which for some characters could work, but for Barney, you know he's just gonna be happy...and that's it. And believe it or not, even for little kids, that's not very relatable. Think about why other children's icons stayed with you: because they showed they were more than one emotion. Series/{{Mister Rogers\|Neighborhood}} could talk about sad things like death, depression, difficult emotions.\
280	'''Daniel Tiger''': What does "assassination" mean?\
281	'''Critic''': [[Series/SesameStreet Big Bird]] could feel awful when he finds out he's never gonna see someone ever again.\
282	'''Susan''': When people die, they don't come back.\
283	'''Big Bird''': ''Ever?''\
284	'''Critic''': It's not just one emotion a great children's character can express--it's a gamut of emotions that all kids feel.\
285	'''Fred Rogers''': To understand those feelings, and to better respond to them, is what I feel is the most important task in our world.\
286	'''Critic''': Barney would never feel sad, or angry, or confused. He was just happy all the time, which, after a while, comes across as phony and even kinda shallow. And don't get me wrong, I know it's weird to analyze something meant for, like, ''little'' little kids, but part of this analysis is figuring out why everyone else hated him so much. Part of that may be because we remember relating to other kids' media because it taught us how emotions and conflict work, as well as numbers and letters. And all they had to do was simply have more than one emotion. Imagine Barney having any other emotion other than happy. It would be crazy, because neither his physical nor emotional designs support it. He couldn't have the conversations they had on ''Sesame Street'' or ''Mister Rogers'' because there was so little to him. Imagine if he did; it'd just turn out ''insane!''\
287	'''Critic!Barney''': Hi, kids! What does "assassination" mean? Is that when someone gets killed in a surprise way? That's what happened, you know! That man killed that other man!\
288	'''Critic''': I can't even keep going! It's just too uncomfortable to process! Yet Daniel Tiger--''a sock puppet''--does it and it feels more genuine because he isn't obnoxiously happy all the time! Kids can process their emotions as well as information without even knowing they're doing it, and Barney flat out rejects that. All of that, in my opinion, is why he gets on so many people's nerves.
289	-->-- Critic explaining why Barney the Dinosaur is so hated in his review of ''Film/BarneysGreatAdventure''
290
291	->'''Rita Repulsa''': Ha ha, it's too powerful now! You can never stop it! \
292	'''Critic''': You're right! I can't stop it!\
293	'''Rita''': Huh?\
294	'''Critic''': It doesn't matter if you show how goofy or campy or silly it was, because that's what people liked about it to begin with. It's like Ninja Turtles or He-Man or Transformers or something like that. Yeah it was stupid, but I still think fondly of it because it was my childhood escape. I didn't enjoy Power Rangers, but it wasn't meant for me. It was for a younger generation of people to look back and enjoy how preposterously over the top it was. Get the picture?
295	-->-- Critic's final battle with Rita Repulsa during his review of '''Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie'''
296
297	->...Yyyep. Even though ''nobody'' was in the kingdom, and they made a big deal about how [[GiantWallOfWateryDoom this]] was "[[GodzillaThreshold the only way to bring balance back]]”, there are no repercussions, ''no'' loss, '''no''' sacrifice, and '''''NO''''' responsibility, for ''any'' of their actions. ([[TranquilFury while smiling and nodding]]) You know what? [[PrecisionFStrike Fuck off]], {{Creator/Disney}}! You can’t tap into something like this, make such bold claims, [[WriterCopOut and then TOTALLY puss out in the end]]. At least [Kristoff’s] 80’s ballad [[HamAndCheese went all the way]]. This is tackling [[FantasticRacism something super adult]], ''[[SinsOfTheFather extremely]]'' [[SinsOfTheFather complicated]], [[BrutalHonesty CLEARLY outside your comfort zone]], and then shrugging, “Ehh, we’re just a kid’s film! Just feel bad around [[UsefulNotes/ThanksgivingDay Thanksgiving]] and you’ll have done your part.” [[PunctuatedForEmphasis Bull! Fucking! Shit!]] Look… It’s fine [[DarkerAndEdgier if you wanna grow up your fairytales]]. But if you don’t ''support'' that growth, you’re not “breaking down barriers”, you’re [[ItsTheSameNowItSucks keeping people]] ''{{i\|tsTheSameNowItSucks}}n'' [[ItsTheSameNowItSucks those fairytales]]! [[SincerityMode I’m not gonna pretend]] I’d be 100% okay with these actions if they went all the way through but, if that’s the lesson you’re committing to, ''fucking'' commit to it! You don’t say “[[CryingWolf the boy cr[ied] wolf]] and then he saw something that looked like a wolf [[BaitAndSwitch but it wasn’t, it was a rabbit]]”. [[DownerEnding The wolf eats the sheep, and a lot is lost.]] And you’re pretending you’re saying something as profound, but by backing out of it, you’re not. It’s as bad as saying “characters that die [[DisneyDeath can easily come back]]”--[[LampshadeHanging why am I even humoring you with that possibility?]]

Context Quotes / TheNostalgiaCritic