| 1 | [[foldercontrol]] |
| 2 | |
| 3 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Rising Part 1]] |
| 4 | !!Part 1 |
| 5 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' ''VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance'' is not a word in the dictionary. It's also one of my favorite games (besides ''VideoGame/GenshinImpact''). Created as a spinoff to the critically acclaimed [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid4GunsOfThePatriots Metal Queer Solid 4: Guns of the Pirates]][[note]][[FunWithSubtitles Athlete's Foot Stage 2 A A A AB]][[/note]], we are cast as Raiden[[note]]his actual voice is impossible to do[[/note]], whose resumé involves fighting [[TheIlluminati The Illuminaughty]] and a [[ImmortalityBisexuality bisexual vampire]], [[GenreShift trading off slow stealth gameplay]] and [[EarpieceConversation conference calls of an unspecified duration]] for pulse-pounding action gameplay, unique cutting mechanics, and the stupidest plot of any game since... the last one[[note]]VideoGame/TheLastOfUs: [[FunWithSubtitles Guns of Joel]][[/note]]. You know, the one where [[Creator/HideoKojima Headache Kojingles]] puts his protagonist in a microwave. Now caught in a worldwide conspiracy headed by an evil and destructive empire called the [[EvilStatesOfAmerica United States]][[note]][[ImageMacro Oh yeah? Land of the free?]] So why can't I [[{{Squick}} rinse my balls in the Burger King soda dispenser?]][[/note]], it's up to us to stop Senator [[Wrestling/DwayneJohnson Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson]] from becoming black, fight [[NInjaPirateZombieRobot cyborg dinosaurs]] [[PoweredByAForsakenChild controlled by orphans]], and fight a series of extremely online [=YouTube=] [[VideoGame/Persona4 Personas 4]], such as Jacked Bezos (Sundowner),[[note]][[FunWithSubtitles he is in]] [[RecurringCharacter every video]][[/note]] the Nintendo Platform/VirtualBoy (Monsoon), and WebVideo/{{Markiplier}} (Jetstream Sam).\ |
| 6 | '''Markiplier:''' I'm gonna come find you. ''[jumps towards the camera to punch out the viewer]''\ |
| 7 | "Set to the tunes of a hardcore rock soundtrack made by the world-famous ''VideoGame/ToontownOnline'' composer[[note]]Jamie Christopherson[[/note]] for the express purpose of killing anyone above 40, and to complete our journey, we will have to resort to [[VideoGameCrueltyPotential unrestricted brutality]], [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe cutting and]] [[LudicrousGibs slicing our enemies]] like a human-sized [[Creator/VinceOffer Slap Chop]] in between [[WarIsHell the nature]] [[WarIsGlorious of conflict]], the [[MyGodWhatHaveIDone morality of]] [[IDidWhatIHadToDo separating families]] [[DeadlyEuphemism the hard way]], and [[{{UsefulNotes/Memetics}} memes]]. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer They made Twitter into a plot point]]. So if that interests you, feel free to join me as we dive headlong into the wonderful madness of Metal Gear Rising: Reven-ge-ance, and the voice is now activated." |
| 8 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s introduction to Metal Gear Rising |
| 9 | |
| 10 | !!!Chapter 1: The Suffering of Obama |
| 11 | ->"So we boot up the game, but it doesn't support high resolutions. To fix this, we head to [=NeoGAF=] and download [[TakeThat a virus]]. [[SkewedPriorities Now I can do any resolution]][[note]]4000x20 pixels[[/note]]. What amazing gameplay.[[note]]Watame please collab with me.[[/note]] Our story begins in the [[RealIsBrown 2009 color scheme]], with our hero Raiden protecting [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama President]] [[MaliciousMisnaming Barfsack O'Crumbo]]. He's touring his birthplace of Kenya." |
| 12 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s opening statements to The Suffering of Obama |
| 13 | |
| 14 | ->'''N'Mani/Obama:''' I'm, uh, President United States Obama.\ |
| 15 | '''Raiden:''' Mr. President, you have dementia.\ |
| 16 | '''N'Mani:''' Uhh... Drone-strike the wedding.[[note]]Context: it was common to drone strike gatherings of high profile targets, but difficult to distinguish between a war council and a wedding.[[/note]]\ |
| 17 | '''Raiden:''' That can be arranged. ''[[BlackComedy [Vine boom SFX]]]''\ |
| 18 | '''N'Mani's Advisor:''' What the fuck was that?\ |
| 19 | '''Courtney Collins:''' Insurance fraud. |
| 20 | |
| 21 | ->'''Sam:''' Why hello there, would you care to see my RGB lighting?\ |
| 22 | ''[draws the Murasama, whose blade is indeed RGB-lit]''\ |
| 23 | '''Sam:''' I spent $3,000.\ |
| 24 | '''Maverick gunner:''' [[MemeticMutation Sir, this is a Wendy's.]]\ |
| 25 | '''Sam:''' Oh... [[PreAsskickingOneLiner I'll just have to give you a demonstration then.]]\ |
| 26 | ''[Sam dices up the gunner]''\ |
| 27 | '''Courtney Collins:''' Oh shit he's got RGB's. [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Let's get the fuck out.]]\ |
| 28 | '''Sam:''' I guess you could [[{{Pun}} say]] he's [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe half the man he once was]].\ |
| 29 | [[ImageMacro JETSTREAM SAM]]\ |
| 30 | [[ImageMacro Internet Connoisseur]] |
| 31 | |
| 32 | ->'''N'Mani/Obama:''' Uh, my name is Obama, I have, uh, [[BringMyBrownPants shit my doodoo ass]].\ |
| 33 | '''Raiden:''' Don't worry Obama. I'll protect you from this sidewalk. |
| 34 | |
| 35 | ->"Ladies and gentlemen. I'd like to introduce you to the first enemy in the game."\ |
| 36 | ''[Raiden slices a soldier up]''\ |
| 37 | "[[BlackComedy Now he's the first]] [[LudicrousGibs one hundred enemies]] [[BlackComedy in the game.]] This is the standout feature of Metal Gear Rising: the ability to cut anything. And I do mean ''anything'': nature, humans, [[GoodBadBugs telepathic traffic poles,]] [[BreadEggsMilkSquick a family of four,]] and even [[UnintentionallyUnwinnable staircases that are required to progress the game]]. I-- I think that's an oversight..." |
| 38 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' introducing Blade Mode |
| 39 | |
| 40 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' "This was groundbreaking stuff for the [[Platform/PlayStation3 PS3]]. [[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking Use it to hit weak points, confuse your enemies and prevent them from attacking, or accelerate deforestation.]]"\ |
| 41 | ''[Raiden chops up a tree]''\ |
| 42 | '''Boris:''' What are you doing Raiden?\ |
| 43 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' "Most animals deserve to be extinct." |
| 44 | |
| 45 | ->'''Gemini 1:''' Where the fuck is Raiden?\ |
| 46 | '''Gemini 2:''' Hang on, I think I'm hearing, uh, [[BattleThemeMusic boss music]]...\ |
| 47 | ''(Metal Gear RAY jumps from the ocean as [[{{Leitmotif}} Bury the Light]] plays in the background)''\ |
| 48 | [[ImageMacro METAL GEAR]] [[VideoGame/DevilMayCry5 VERGIL]]\ |
| 49 | [[ImageMacro A robot]] [[CallBack denied his]] [[RunningGag tax fraud]]\ |
| 50 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' My game crashed. ([[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties It actually crashed here]].) I'm just gonna, uh, [[EasyLevelTrick run past everyone]]. |
| 51 | |
| 52 | ->'''N'Mani/Obama:''' Uh, [[UsefulNotes/JoeBiden Joe Biden]]? Please help me pass the healthcare.\ |
| 53 | '''Sundowner:''' Healthcare you say? I'm a [[BlatantLies specialist]]! Ha, a new customer!\ |
| 54 | ''[Sundowner joins his blades into a giant set of scissors]''[[note]]What the dog doing? POV YOU CHOSE PAPER[[/note]]\ |
| 55 | '''Sundowner:''' Let's hope [[UsefulNotes/BarackObama ObamaCare]] [[PreMortemOneLiner covers euthanasia]]. |
| 56 | -->--'''Sundowner,''' making his entrance by [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal dismembering, decapitating and defeating]] the Gemini bodyguards. |
| 57 | |
| 58 | ->'''N'Mani/Obama:''' My name is Obama, I uh-\ |
| 59 | '''Sundowner:''' Shut up! |
| 60 | -->--'''Sundowner''' kidnapping N'Mani/Obama |
| 61 | |
| 62 | ->'''Raiden:''' Stop right there! Put down President [[MaliciousMisnaming Bumcrack]] [[{{Corpsing}} Osama]]!\ |
| 63 | '''Sundowner:''' Ha, I'll [[TroubleEntendre put him down]], alright. But no... I have a giant robot!\ |
| 64 | '''Metal Gear VERGIL:''' FEDERAL AGENT SPOTTED. INITIATING.\ |
| 65 | '''Raiden:''' [[BehindTheBlack Why didn't I see that?]] |
| 66 | |
| 67 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to [[WarmUpBoss the tutorial boss]]. We're currently undergoing [[VideoGameTutorial a learning experience]]. The one you can only get with a giant laser. This is maybe the best game ever made. And although the gameplay is "[[ImageMacro a little simple]]", the [[HumongousMecha sheer scale]] makes me feel empowered and quite intimidated. It's just a wonderful way to do it when you don't look like a cracked-up rooster. Of course there's no need to worry, because [[{{Pun}} Raiden is fucking Jacked]].[[note]][[TakeThat the funds for the rest of this scene went to metal gear: survive]][[/note]]\ |
| 68 | Mission, accomplished. |
| 69 | -->--[=Max0r=] narrating the Metal Gear RAY battle |
| 70 | |
| 71 | ->'''Sundowner/Buff Bezos:'''Your Prime has expired, Raiden, and so has his life.\ |
| 72 | [''Sundowner [[ImpaledWithExtremePrejudice impales N'mani/Obama through the chest]] as the Taco Bell "bong" sound plays.'']\ |
| 73 | '''Raiden:''' Nice. |
| 74 | |
| 75 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' It's time for the next "[[HopelessBossFight boss fight]]." I say that sarcastically because most people would classify it as [[CurbStompBattle a fucking suicide]]. I'm surprised this is ''on'' the train instead of ''in front of it.''\ |
| 76 | '''Sam:''' Face it, Jack, you can't even hold a sword.\ |
| 77 | [''Sam closes the distance and slices out Raiden's left eye'']\ |
| 78 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck is a sword?\ |
| 79 | '''Sam:''' I can give you a demonstration, but first, what's your favourite hand?\ |
| 80 | '''Raiden:''' Well, my left-\ |
| 81 | '''Sam:''' Great.\ |
| 82 | [''Sam cuts off Raiden's left arm'']\ |
| 83 | '''Sam:''' I'm about to [[CharacterLevel level up]], Jack, and you look like just enough [[ExperiencePoints XP]]--\ |
| 84 | ''[is shot at by Boris]''\ |
| 85 | '''Sam:''' [[GagSub oh fuck he's useigsn bue4lts]][[note]]"Oh fuck, he's using bullets!"[[/note]] |
| 86 | |
| 87 | !!!Chapter 2: The Russian Connection |
| 88 | |
| 89 | ->'''Raiden:''' Colonel, [[Memes/MetalGear I'm trying to fly around,]] [[JokeOfTheButt but the clap of my ass cheeks keeps alerting--]]\ |
| 90 | '''Doktor:''' Raiden, I'm playing VideoGame/GenshinImpact...\ |
| 91 | [[ImageMacro DOKTOR]] [[ComicBook/SpiderMan OCTOPUS]]\ |
| 92 | [[ImageMacro she camed]] [[VideoGame/AmongUs amogusly]] [[ImageMacro down the stairs]]\ |
| 93 | '''Doktor:''' ...But I've run out of credit card debt to purchase Ganyu. So if you can, can you lend me, uh, a hand? I-- I will surely stop [[{{Fetish}} collecting]] them!\ |
| 94 | '''Boris:''' [[{{Squick}} You have a problem...]] |
| 95 | |
| 96 | ->"So after the roughest plane ride since [[TakeThat Delta]], we head to a third-world shithole known as [[{{Corpsing}} Russia]] to find the men who killed [[MaliciousMisnaming President Bumsack o'Chungus]] and put an end to their illegal razor blade factory." |
| 97 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' summarizing the first mission of the game |
| 98 | |
| 99 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' Finally equipped with his new customizable gamer mouse body, Raiden begins his journey by encountering three helpless victims, knocking them to the air and scooping out their spines like fucking ice cream. You see, this is actually our primary method of healing, since every spine is filled to the brim with delicious electrolytes. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer This is the actual term used in the game]]. Just like American football, the soldiers of the future are fueled by Gatorade. We, however, are fueled by violence. |
| 100 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' explaining how healing works |
| 101 | |
| 102 | ->'''Blade Wolf:''' ''Known sex offender spotted.''\ |
| 103 | [''Raiden falls out the side of a building and gets ambushed by Blade Wolf'' [[note]]Manga/MyHeroAcademia fans when someone discovers their playground attraction quirk[[/note]]\ |
| 104 | '''Blade Wolf:''' '''WHAT THE DOG DOIN-''' ow.\ |
| 105 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck is a dog?\ |
| 106 | '''Blade Wolf:''' You are such a fucking philistine, Raiden.\ |
| 107 | '''Raiden:''' Wait, how do you know my name?\ |
| 108 | '''Blade Wolf:''' I am pre-programmed with knowledge of '''[[TheOmniscient EVERYONE.]]'''\ |
| 109 | '''Raiden:''' Oh yeah?\ |
| 110 | '''Blade Wolf:''' [[BluntYes Yes.]]\ |
| 111 | '''Raiden:''' Who's your owner then, little dog?\ |
| 112 | '''Blade Wolf:''' [[BigBrotherIsWatching The NSA]]. But my handler is a [[BestialityIsDepraved white woman]].\ |
| 113 | '''Raiden:''' [[SympathyForTheDevil Damn, that's rough.]]\ |
| 114 | '''Blade Wolf:''' '''[[FateWorseThanDeath I will never eat peanut butter ever again.]]''' |
| 115 | -->--'''Blade Wolf''''s first introduction to Raiden |
| 116 | |
| 117 | ->"For our next battle, we have Blade Wolf--Jesus--and let me say, if you [[WakeUpCallBoss don't know how to parry more than one attack, it's, um, time to learn]]. I don't know what attack this is. (Blade Wolf slices up Raiden with his chainsaw tail) Fortunately, Blade Wolf will stop yiffing and call in Meals on Wheels which allows us to partake of the Gatorade Eucharist. Now with the power of Jesus in our veins, [[DeadlyEuphemism we donate Blade Wolf to a kill shelter,]] and then he monologues." |
| 118 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the Blade Wolf fight |
| 119 | |
| 120 | -> '''Dolzaev:''' I've been moderating your Twitch for months! And you never told me you have a boyfriend!\ |
| 121 | '''Mistral:''' Who are you?\ |
| 122 | '''Dolzaev:''' Oh my god, she spoke to me... |
| 123 | -->--'''Mistral''''s introduction |
| 124 | |
| 125 | |
| 126 | ->'''Raiden:''' Oh my God, it's a woman. (she suddenly turns to face him) Please stop that.\ |
| 127 | '''Mistral:''' I've been waiting for you, Raiden.\ |
| 128 | [[Website/{{Twitch}} twitch.tv/algerianQueen]]\ |
| 129 | '''Raiden:''' Uunnh!\ |
| 130 | '''Mistral:''' Shoutout to [=BigChungus29=] for the donation.\ |
| 131 | '''Raiden:''' Please stay back.\ |
| 132 | '''Mistral:''' Sorry, Jack, but my stream demands you DIE. ''[crushes a Dwarf Gekko underneath her foot]''\ |
| 133 | '''Raiden:''' [[TooKinkyToTorture God, I wish that was me]].\ |
| 134 | '''Mistral:''' [[PreAsskickingOneLiner That can be arranged~]]. |
| 135 | |
| 136 | ->"Welcome to the world's first boss fight, where the battle is against your own controller. (Raiden gets attacked by dwarf gekkos) Provided of course, that I don't throw that shit against a wall. In this confrontation, we fight the dark-skinned tomboy GF that I've always dreamed of, juggling and slaughtering several varieties of jihadist Franchise/{{Bakugan}}. If I were forced to describe the experience, it would be poggers, or perhaps pepega, especially after Raiden achieves the miracle of flight. [[SpecialEffectsFailure When you fire the animators]]. But despite some of the occasional frustration, this battle is one of the best. Plus, I uh... [[TooKinkyToTorture I like it when women hit me]]."\ |
| 137 | [''The rest of the battle is set to "A Stranger I Remain" until Raiden gets Mistral [[HumanPopsicle frozen in liquid nitrogen]], then [[LiterallyShatteredLives shatters her into pieces.]]'']\ |
| 138 | Yeah, that's some [[{{Pun}} cool]] theme music, bitch. |
| 139 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the battle against Mistral |
| 140 | |
| 141 | ->'''Dolzaev:''' My stream! It's--it's gone offline! You are ''truly weirdchamp!''\ |
| 142 | '''Raiden:''' Is that a bad thing?\ |
| 143 | '''Dolzaev:''' You make me want to kill myself faster. But no matter. With my death, [[IllNeverTellYouWhatImTellingYou you will never find our SECRET BASE at 29th Ave. Mexico City]]!\ |
| 144 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck?\ |
| 145 | '''Dolzaev:''' These are the coordinates.\ |
| 146 | ''[Dolzaev blows himself up along with the oil tank he was on, blowing Raiden away]''\ |
| 147 | '''Raiden:''' Goddamn, I'm turned on.\ |
| 148 | '''Boris:''' Raiden, we need to pick you up. What's your location?\ |
| 149 | '''Raiden:''' I'm... [[BlatantLies I'm in a Chinese factory]]. |
| 150 | -->--The conclusion of the Mistral battle |
| 151 | |
| 152 | ->"Now equipped with a solid lead for his ''Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance'' (2013) video game, it's up to [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic the Edgehog]] to make his way to the city of Mexico,[[note]]The City of ''Series/BreakingBad''[[/note]] complete with his 50 lbs of smuggled cocaine[[note]]I am being {{blackmail}}ed by [[TheCartel the Los Zetas]][[/note]] and a stolen Mercedes." |
| 153 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' takes a nice little trip to Mexico |
| 154 | |
| 155 | !!!Chapter 3: Breaking Bad |
| 156 | |
| 157 | ->'''Kevin:''' Raiden, a-are you wearing a sombrero?\ |
| 158 | '''Raiden:''' It's my disguise. I'm trying to blend in.\ |
| 159 | '''Kevin:''' [[OnlySaneMan You are trying to give me a fucking brain aneurysm]].\ |
| 160 | '''Blade Wolf:''' Your destination is on the right.\ |
| 161 | (Raiden's car stops with a Vine boom. When he gets out of the car, he's in the [[PaperThinDisguise Sombrero disguise]] which does nothing to help him blend into Mexico. One citizen is practically shocked at his appearance)\ |
| 162 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Now it's time for Raiden and his small pitbull to make their descent into ''VideoGame/Fallout3''. |
| 163 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' showing off Raiden's "clever disguise" |
| 164 | |
| 165 | ->"Hey, what's up gamers, [=Max0r=] here, and today we're gonna be questioning why Blade Wolf is [[JokeOfTheButt packing an entire bakery]]. Better keep playing the game to [[BrainBleach bleach my eyes]]." |
| 166 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]'''\ |
| 167 | |
| 168 | ->"What's up gamers? It's [=Max0r=] here, and today we're being beat to death by a gorilla. Make sure to like, comment, [[{{Corpsing}} and subscribe.]]" |
| 169 | |
| 170 | ->'''Raiden:''' Oh my god! I-I can't ''possibly'' cut through glass!\ |
| 171 | '''Jeffrey Epstein:''' Stop right there, Raiden, [[PaedoHunt or I'll blow this child]]...[[note]]couldn't say that without [[{{corpsing}} laughing]][[/note]]\ |
| 172 | '''Raiden:''' Who is that?\ |
| 173 | '''Epstein:''' [[ThatCameOutWrong His head]]. [[BoomHeadshot I'll blow his head open]]-- [[DoubleTake wait, are you for real?]]\ |
| 174 | '''Raiden:''' I don't have time for this conversation. [[FriendToAllChildren Children are in danger!]]\ |
| 175 | '''Epstein:''' Do you ''know'' what a gun does?!\ |
| 176 | '''Raiden:''' [[IdiotHero What's a gun?]]\ |
| 177 | ''([[HalfTheManHeUsedTobe slices Epstein in half]] as the VideoGame/SuperMario64 Power Star collection fanfare plays)'' |
| 178 | |
| 179 | !!!Chapter 4: Family Guy Funny Moments |
| 180 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' So, at least 9 seconds happen, and [[MaliciousMisnaming Ride Inside]] is driving to {{Hell}}, all the while taking his eyes off the road with some CNN.\ |
| 181 | '''Raiden:''' Oh, sweet! My programming is on!\ |
| 182 | ''[Super Idol Spongebob plays in the car]''\ |
| 183 | '''Raiden:''' You know, America [[TemptingFate isn't so bad after all]]. After being in Mexico for so long, I'm starting to miss how peaceful it can be, especially the police.\ |
| 184 | ''[a police officer suddenly shoots at Raiden and swerves into him]'' |
| 185 | -->--'''Raiden''''s entry into Denver after the Mexican Sewer Level |
| 186 | |
| 187 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Raiden evades the evil forces of Big Sobriety as they attempt to suppress another innocent drunk driver, careening through [[PlaceWorseThanDeath the nightmare known as Denver]] before encountering the police budget. ''([[PoliceBrutality a police officer shoots Raiden's car with a rocket launcher]], flipping it over)'' And showing off his... ''(Raiden kicks out the driver's side window)'' [[LegFocus toned legs.]]\ |
| 188 | '''Captain:''' [[BigotWithABadge Wait a second, boys. He's white.]]\ |
| 189 | '''Raiden:''' I'm sorry, officer. I was so busy playing ''VideoGame/LeagueOfLegends''.\ |
| 190 | '''Captain:''' All right, I've heard enough. [[DisproportionateRetribution Deadly force authorized.]] ''[all the cops prepare their stun batons]''\ |
| 191 | '''Raiden:''' [[OhCrap Oh fuck]]. |
| 192 | |
| 193 | ->'''Jetstream Sam:''' What's up, gamers?\ |
| 194 | '''Raiden:''' Goddamn it.\ |
| 195 | '''Sam:''' Let me tell you something important, Raiden. You're a normie, and a beta male cuck.\ |
| 196 | '''Raiden:''' I'm only here to dispense justice.\ |
| 197 | '''Sam:''' That's [[red: CRINGE]] Jack, and your setup is weak. You can't even project yourself onto a building, or a billboard.\ |
| 198 | '''Raiden:''' Your clout doesn't mean anything. It's worthless.\ |
| 199 | '''Sam:''' Cope and seethe, Jack. Why don't you go back to Facebook and post some [[Franchise/DespicableMe Minion]] memes?[[labelnote:The memes, Jack!]]I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down, but I had to use my arms to get back up, so...Your father and I are getting a divorce.Exercise? I thought you said "Extra Fries."Admit it, you [[BreadEggsMilkSquick pushed an infant off the Empire State Building]].[[/labelnote]]\ |
| 200 | '''Raiden:''' No, that's not the point!\ |
| 201 | '''Sam:''' Do you see now? All this murder and you still aren't based.\ |
| 202 | '''Raiden:''' You bastard.\ |
| 203 | '''Sam:''' Shut. The fuck up, and listen for a moment.\ |
| 204 | '''Cop 1:''' [Oh my god, it's the cringe nae nae baby.]\ |
| 205 | '''Cop 2:''' Stop right there. [wtf is wrong with [[AnimeHair his hair]]?]\ |
| 206 | '''Raiden:''' What are you doing?\ |
| 207 | '''Cop 1:''' [He looks like [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic]] impregnated a vending machine.]\ |
| 208 | '''Raiden:''' No! Stop it!\ |
| 209 | '''Cop 2:''' [He even has a fake chin!\ |
| 210 | [Raiden gets knocked down by the two cops]\ |
| 211 | '''Sam:''' Do you see now, Jack? How can a cringelord like you ever hope to kill my police officers?\ |
| 212 | ''[Raiden proceeds to [[CurbstompBattle slaughter several officers]]]''\ |
| 213 | '''Sam:''' [[OhCrap Oh fuck]]. |
| 214 | |
| 215 | ->'''Monsoon:''' (real in-game dialogue) Free will is a myth. Religion is a joke. We're all pawns controlled by something greater. ''Memes''. ([[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Seriously]]) The DNA of the soul. They are our culture. Our clout.\ |
| 216 | '''Raiden:''' How about full of shit, is that a meme?\ |
| 217 | '''Monsoon:''' No it fucking isn't, you amoeba. You'll never be based with memes like that.\ |
| 218 | '''Raiden:''' [[VillainHasAPoint You're right. About me, I mean.]]\ |
| 219 | '''Monsoon:''' What?\ |
| 220 | '''Raiden:''' I thought I could be just like you, but... That is a mistake. Perhaps I am cringe, but that makes me free!\ |
| 221 | '''Monsoon:''' That's sus!\ |
| 222 | ''[a soldier impales Raiden]''\ |
| 223 | '''Raiden:''' Doktor, turn off my Cringe Inhibitors!\ |
| 224 | '''Doktor:''' But Raiden, you'll lose subscriber.\ |
| 225 | '''Raiden:''' Do it!\ |
| 226 | '''Doktor:''' Ok. ''[Raiden's [[SuperPoweredEvilSide Ripper Mode]] is unlocked]''\ |
| 227 | '''Raiden:''' Aaah, I was fucking joking! Why did you do it?!\ |
| 228 | '''Monsoon:''' You think you can just log off, Jack?\ |
| 229 | '''Raiden:''' I'm starting to see what you're getting at. And if based means what I think it means, then caring about ''your'' shitty posts is a long way off!\ |
| 230 | '''Monsoon:''' That's rich coming from the likes of you.\ |
| 231 | '''Raiden:''' Family Guy Funny Moments. |
| 232 | |
| 233 | ->"In this boss fight against the Monsus Battle Bus, Raiden rages against the moral degeneracy of [[WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy violence in movies and sex on TV, using his good old fashioned values upon which he used to rely.]] During which we are subjected to an onslaught of average speed... [[SpeedBlitz for a cheetah]], demanding the absolute most of the player to survive the Human Spaghetti. So if you thought Blade Wolf was a real fun boss to parry, then I've got news for you. We've got more edge in this fight than VideoGame/{{Bloodborne}} on the [[Platform/{{Playstation}} PlayStation 1]]. Monsoon can fucking [[SmokeOut teleport]], he [[MagnetismManipulation throws helicopters]] for fun, and his preferred method of dodging is [[DetachmentCombat self-bisection]]. He knows he's three edges away from being a [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic]] [[OriginalCharacter OC]], and you know what? [[NarmCharm I fucking dig it.]]" |
| 234 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' on the Monsoon boss fight |
| 235 | |
| 236 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Thank you, thank you. I spent 4 days editing that. Now excuse me while I take this call.\ |
| 237 | '''Monsoon:''' The memes.\ |
| 238 | '''Raiden:''' [[OffWithHisHead You are decapitated]]. Don't worry; [[IronicEcho it's just a little trolling]]. Right? (:\ |
| 239 | '''Monsoon:''' Do not repost my memes back at me.\ |
| 240 | '''Raiden:''' Oh I wouldn't worry about that, (real in-game dialogue) because your memes end here. |
| 241 | [[/folder]] |
| 242 | |
| 243 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Rising Part 2]] |
| 244 | !!Part 2 | Sons of Obesity |
| 245 | ->"''Metal Gear Rising: Sons of Delivery and [=DiGiorno=]'' is my favourite political and economic simulator, well intended to teach the player the basics of price [[VisualPun slashing]] and how to best [[VisualPun divide]] the country as quickly as possible. The answer, of course, is manually. In this visually engaging stock market index, we play as Jack the Wood Chipper, a man ([[AmbiguouslyHuman probably]]) on a quest to renew the job market [[DeadlyEuphemism one life at a time]]. So if you've seen Part 1 of my philosophically charged essay on the deep and interesting Metal Gear lore ([[BlatantLies which I totally understand]]), then welcome back. And if you're viewing this series for the first time, well that's technically okay. You're just gonna be more confused than [[TakeThat an American at a salad bar]]." |
| 246 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]'s introduction to Metal Gear Rising Part 2''' |
| 247 | |
| 248 | !!!Chapter 1: Amazon HQ |
| 249 | |
| 250 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' Last time on Metal Gear Raisin: Guns of the Priests...\ |
| 251 | [''The entire previous video plays in the span of about two seconds'']\ |
| 252 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' But, as for now, our protagonist [[MaliciousMisnaming Raiden With]] [[UsefulNotes/JoeBiden Biden]] is forced to argue with a decapitated head about memes. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer That's not made up. I know the rest is made up, but that's genui-]]\ |
| 253 | '''Monsoon:''' [[Music/FloRida Apple bottom jeans]], Raiden.\ |
| 254 | '''Raiden:''' What?\ |
| 255 | '''Monsoon:''' Boots with the [[{{Corpsing}} fur.]] |
| 256 | |
| 257 | ->[[note]]US [[DrunkDriver Dr*nk Drivers]] Are Being Oppressed. Share If You Still Booze & Cruise[[/note]]Fresh off his adventures to the [[WarmPlaceWarmLighting Orange Dimension]],[[note]]¿Por qué parece una maquina de fax? (Why does he look like a fax machine?)[[/note]] and the insides of American police, it's up to our hero to avenge Obama's death through the slaughter of the unmelinated, learning the meaning of [[red: based]]. Through many trials, tribulations, and his guest seat at the Creator/JoeRogan podcast, finally finding himself at the entrance to Amazon Warehouses (World Marshal) with [[FalseReassurance manageable stab wounds]]. |
| 258 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' detailing Raiden preparing to storm Amazon, aka World Marshal |
| 259 | |
| 260 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh golly oh gee oh [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kirsten_Gillibrand Gillibrand]], I can't wait to see what the game has in store for me now after those long combat arenas. ''(Raiden is confronted by BD Mistral with a snippet of [[VideoGame/{{Undertale}} Megalovania]])'' [[FlatWhat What]]? So I want everyone to meet [[OriginalCharacter my cool and original boss design]] named Mistral. This is essentially what the Patriots were doing the entire time. AI Dennis Prager was a distraction. These fuckers were synthesizing vTubers, so now we're forced to fight their robotic fleshlight and her huge testicles. This battle serves as a great moment to see just how far you've come as a player, both in ability and tolerance for the best game mechanic. Don't worry though, I'm still very bad. ''(BD Mistral whips Raiden up and down killing him during one of the failed attempts)'' Thank god that shit's over. Now we can move on--\ |
| 261 | '''BD Monsoon:''' Hello Raiden!\ |
| 262 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Goddamn it! Really bold move making me fight Monsoon again after twenty minutes. And yeah, that includes the [[DetachmentCombat pants attack]]. Fucking [[VideoGame/{{Terraria}} Skeletron Prime]] looking ass.\ |
| 263 | '''BD Monsoon:''' I guess you could say a good meme never dies, Jack!\ |
| 264 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' God please take me out of this hellhole. I've had enough memes today. Look it's [[VideoGame/ShadowTheHedgehog Shadow]] and he's, uh, [[AccidentalInnuendo nice cock]]! ''(The final rating for the battle is A)'' Pretend you didn't see anything today. |
| 265 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the BD Mistral/Monsoon BossRush |
| 266 | |
| 267 | ->'''Sundowner/Buff Bezos:''' Well well well, if it ain't the Feds.\ |
| 268 | '''Raiden:''' Unhand these brains, Jeff. They're children.\ |
| 269 | '''Sundowner:''' And kids are cruel, Jack. They just lose touch with it at the ripe old age of [[{{Corpsing}} twelve]].\ |
| 270 | '''Raiden:''' Wait, what?\ |
| 271 | '''Sundowner:''' "War crime" this, "can't eat the drywall" that. [[BadPeopleAbuseAnimals Microwaving mice is wrong, they say]].\ |
| 272 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck?\ |
| 273 | '''Sundowner:''' (pulls one of the brains out) Not to worry. Kids love video games. That's why I got 'em all set up spinning the wheel on my favorite gacha games. How else is a man supposed to make his... [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact impact]]~?\ |
| 274 | '''Raiden:''' You refrigerated a preschool for fucking jpegs?\ |
| 275 | '''Sundowner:''' [[EvilLaugh Heh heh heh heh]]. You think I made the market for Ganyu, Jack? Like every casino's just a big old conspiracy? Bullshit! Gambling's just a part of who we are. I just market it to [[{{Corpsing}} sexy children]]. Besides, demand for my products is about to skyrocket. [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer (Real in-game dialogue)]] Like the good old days after 9-11!\ |
| 276 | '''Raiden:''' Wait a minute. [[AndThatsTerrible 9/11 is bad]].\ |
| 277 | '''Sundowner:''' Speak for yourself. Let's debate this on the roof. |
| 278 | |
| 279 | ->'''Sundowner:''' Looks like you're a gacha player at heart.\ |
| 280 | '''Raiden:''' Is that because of my brain damage?\ |
| 281 | '''Sundowner:''' No, it's because you go after children. And there ain't enough room in this pre-school for the two of us.\ |
| 282 | ''[Sundowner's "woman deflectors" activate]''\ |
| 283 | '''Sundowner:''' Like I said - kids are cruel, Jack. [[{{Corpsing}} And I love minors!]] |
| 284 | |
| 285 | -> "Welcome to- to... [[HateSink the bastard]]. Featuring his tax shield. This battle is comprised of two distinct distinct phases, [[BreatherBoss each one easier than the last]]. And for some reason, a helicopter. [[WesternAnimation/InspectorGadget Go-go gadget]], [[{{Hammerspace}} concealed]] [[RocketPoweredWeapon carry]]. In his first phase, we simulate beating to death [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jeff_Bezos a cheeky goblin using money to compensate for his lack of human empathy]]. And by the second phase, it's quite obvious why he does it. This means it's up to us to cut each shield individually so we can play the game. And yes, [[MadeOfExplodium you explode]] [[LudicrousMeleeAccuracy when you miss]]. Not only this, but his health is the length of a Cambodian life. [[{{Corpsing}} In]] [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cambodian_genocide 1977]]. Meaning once you get past that, the fight is basically over. In fact, it's quite easy to not get past his shields, ever, and straight up kill him the funnular entertainament way featuring [[Series/TheBigBangTheory Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bong Sorority.]] But if you do this, you're basically annihilating all enjoyment from orbit. I personally recommend standing there and waiting for Jeff to- er, [[DistractedByTheSexy present.]] So enjoy that second phase while you can, because [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jynTNYSKNuk this music]] [[BlasphemousPraise is a gift from God.]]" |
| 286 | -->-- '''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the Sundowner boss fight |
| 287 | |
| 288 | -> '''Raiden:''' Doktor? How did you...[[WhereDoesHeGetAllThoseWonderfulToys get an aircraft???]]\ |
| 289 | '''Doktor:''' Hoho...credit card debt.\ |
| 290 | '''Raiden:''' Of course.\ |
| 291 | '''Doktor:''' By the way, Raiden, do you remember that bank you sent to the past tense?\ |
| 292 | '''Raiden:''' It was like carving a pumpkin.\ |
| 293 | '''Doktor:''' Well, I think you missed one! ''[aircraft is being tailed by a pair of {{Attack Drone}}s]'' I can't go to prison, Raiden!\ |
| 294 | '''Raiden:''' Why, because you play [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact Genshin]]?\ |
| 295 | '''Doktor:''' [[AllGermansAreNazis No, Raiden, I'm a Nazi!]]\ |
| 296 | '''Raiden:''' Welp, time to kill myself.\ |
| 297 | '''Doktor:''' What the fuck are you talking about? [[TakeThat There's so much]] ''VideoGame/HeartsOfIron'' [[TakeThat to play!]] |
| 298 | |
| 299 | |
| 300 | !!!Chapter 2 |
| 301 | |
| 302 | ->'''Blade Wolf:''' Oh so NOW you decide to stop.\ |
| 303 | '''Raiden:''' I'm running late.\ |
| 304 | '''Jetstream Sam:''' Oh don't worry, Raiden. The clown college is closer than you think.\ |
| 305 | '''Raiden:''' Yeah, it's right in front of me.\ |
| 306 | '''Sam:''' Heh heh heh heh. [[SuicideDare Kill yourself]]. Your ass will always be cringe, and my ass will always be ''thicc''.\ |
| 307 | '''Raiden:''' 497 North Parker Drive.\ |
| 308 | '''Sam:''' Oh good, heh heh. You're getting more based by the day. But I live with my mother.\ |
| 309 | '''Blade Wolf:''' Is this her house?\ |
| 310 | ''(Blade Wolf shows a picture of Sam's mother's house. Raiden and Sam draw their swords, preparing to fight.)'' |
| 311 | |
| 312 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' In this duel between two equally matched swordsmen of various speeds, it's up to us to defeat the weakest Brazilian male. This guy's out here making the rainforest look like a fucking joke, and the best part is there's [[NoNonsenseNemesis no bullshit in this fight]]. No [[Franchise/DespicableMe minions]], no [[DeflectorShields shields]], no Monsoon telling me about fucking VideoGame/AmongUs. It's just you, [[BattleAgainstTheSunset the sunset]] and the soil. This is the [[AwesomeBosses/MetalGear best boss ever]] holy shit. Raiden disarms Wham Slam Bam Sam which causes him to lose his [=McFucking=] marbles and somehow make the fight harder. I mean he straight up punches you like he's a [[VideoGame/{{Yakuza}} goddamn yakuza]].\ |
| 313 | '''Sam:''' Hey Raiden! Look at this cool bug I found! (Sam grabs Raiden and [[FacepalmOfDoom plants him into the ground]]) Oh, Raiden. No need to flip out! (Sam judo throws him over his shoulder)\ |
| 314 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Dude's got thunder thighs bigger than the power grid. Sam will test every single neuron in your corpus callosum with unrelenting and dangerous attacks strong enough to burn a hole in my Adderall supply. It's not a drug problem, it's a drug solution. And that is just phase one. [[TurnsRed God help you when he picks up that sword again]]. |
| 315 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the Jetstream Sam duel |
| 316 | |
| 317 | ->'''Sam:''' Guess I don't have a choice... I challenge you to a debate.\ |
| 318 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck? [[BluntNo No]].\ |
| 319 | ''[Sam "dies of cringe" while the ''VideoGame/SuperMarioSunshine'' death music plays]'' |
| 320 | |
| 321 | ->"So Raiden goes to inspect his kill like a cat, only to realize that he has [[EmpoweredBadassNormal no cybernetic enhancement]].[[note]]except his arm lol[[/note]] This man dunked on Raiden harder than Kobe after (Raiden) threw an [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion EVA unit]], and he did it by juicing. Raiden steals his [[Literature/CliffordTheBigRedDog Clifford the big red]] [[InfinityPlusOneSword sword]] with a five-star gacha rarity and 33% crit rate. (Raiden begins running towards the air base) Raiden, you have a motorcycle. [[FridgeLogic Why are you sprinting there]]?" |
| 322 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' summing up the aftermath of the Jetstream Sam fight |
| 323 | |
| 324 | !!!Chapter 3: They Took Afghanistan. Can't Have Shit in Detroit |
| 325 | |
| 326 | ->"You might notice something funny about this level. It's um... it's three rooms. [[CreatorsApathy The developers fucking gave up, so... so do I.]] Raiden plays the real game [[NonSequitur until he meets]] [[TheCameo the cast of]] {{Series/iCarly}}. [[Series/TheBigBangTheory Our whole universe was in a hot dense state when nearly 14 million years ago,]] Raiden discovers his dog after being made into [[Recap/FamilyGuyS12E6LifeOfBrian a Family Guy episode]]." |
| 327 | -->-- '''[=Max0r=]''' narrating over the game's penultimate mission |
| 328 | |
| 329 | ->''[Metal Gear EXCELSUS's [[Franchise/TheIdolmaster Idolmaster music]] plays.]''\ |
| 330 | '''Raiden:''' What the fuck?\ |
| 331 | '''Armstrong:''' [[BlatantLies Nothing]]. Well if it isn't [[VideoGame/AmongUs sussy]] Jack [[{{Corpsing}} (has a mental breakdown)]].\ |
| 332 | '''Raiden:''' Bro are you high?\ |
| 333 | '''Armstrong:''' Let me check. [[BluntYes Yes]]. High on [[EagleLand American spirit]]. And there's nothing more American [[{{Corpsing}} (has a mental breakdown)]]. |
| 334 | |
| 335 | ->'''Armstrong:''' And there's nothing more American than shooting a man in this Walmart of a world.\ |
| 336 | '''Raiden:''' What is Walmart?\ |
| 337 | '''Armstrong:''' It's heaven Raiden. (Real in-game dialogue) Check the internet lately?\ |
| 338 | '''Boris:''' Raiden, hop on Twitter. You need to see this.\ |
| 339 | '''Raiden:''' Fuck, I hate this website.\ |
| 340 | "I physically cannot stop myself from spending my life's savings on VideoGame/GenshinImpact"\ |
| 341 | "My dick is absolutely fucking RAW for [[Characters/HololiveSuiseiChannel Suisei]] I will die soon."\ |
| 342 | "Please have a lot of sex with me [[WebAnimation/{{Hololive}} Kiryu Coco]]"\ |
| 343 | "selling vtuber feet pic cryptocurrency today"\ |
| 344 | '''Boris:''' It's all fucking weebshit, Raiden! It doesn't make any sense! [[BreadAndCircuses They're being distracted with utter nonsense]]!\ |
| 345 | '''Armstrong:''' These baboons don't even ''know'' they're at war with Pakistan.\ |
| 346 | '''Raiden:''' This one's calling me a "[[Website/{{Reddit}} Redditor]]".\ |
| 347 | '''Armstrong:''' And that's just the beginning. E-girls, [[GachaGames gacha]], memes, all just petty distractions so ''real'' men can get down to business.\ |
| 348 | '''Raiden:''' [[VideoGame/AmongUs Amogus]].\ |
| 349 | '''Armstrong:''' And as you know, American Imperialism is absolutely justified [[TokenMinority because we had a black President once]]. [[BlackDudeDiesFirst Before I fucking killed him]].\ |
| 350 | '''Raiden:''' That's a nice argument, Senator. Why don't you back it up with a source?\ |
| 351 | '''Armstrong:''' [[AssPull My source is that I made it the fuck up]]. Imagine a world free of cancel culture. Where no one can call me out for my outlandish claims. A world where I can [[NWordPrivileges say the N-word]]!\ |
| 352 | ''[{{Beat}}]''\ |
| 353 | '''Raiden:''' [[FlatWhat What]]?\ |
| 354 | '''Armstrong:''' ([[GratuitousJapanese Ever harassed a minority Raiden]])?\ |
| 355 | '''Raiden:''' No.\ |
| 356 | '''Armstrong:''' Catch.\ |
| 357 | ''(Armstrong throws his cigar at Raiden which he slashes away)''\ |
| 358 | '''Armstrong:''' I've got my own to debate online.\ |
| 359 | [[ImageMacro me preparing to harass the minorities who live in my computer]]\ |
| 360 | [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dPaVk4G1jg Illuminati]] [[VillainSong theme]]\ |
| 361 | [[ImageMacro IM GAMEING]]\ |
| 362 | [[ImageMacro SHUT UP MOM]] |
| 363 | |
| 364 | ->In this battle against Microsoft Excel, we are faced with a boss too large to be fun and are relegated to enduring his onslaught from inside of the forever box. This battle is a classic case of "wait for him to do anything," [[TakeThat just like Congress]]. And like Congress, when he does do something, it usually hurts you. (Raiden gets stomped on and killed by Excelsus) Fortunately this music is excellent and fits 1:1 with "[[Music/MariahCarey All I Want for Christmas]]." (Collective Consciousness is played to the tune of All I Want For Christmas) [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I'm not joking]]. Although for some reason, Raiden can parry several tons of crush forceâ„¢. Maybe my sister could've done that against my [[AbusiveParent stepdad]].[[note]]This is a joke. My family has no history of abuse.[[/note]] Raiden suplexes the giant lobster for the second time today, then he yanks off his arm to have a... (Raiden gets into a BladeLock with Excelsus) sword fight with it. Every other game is now worse because they don't have this. |
| 365 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the Metal Gear EXCELSUS battle |
| 366 | |
| 367 | ->'''Armstrong:''' Hope you can afford healthcare, Raiden, 'cause the taxpayer can't!\ |
| 368 | ''(Armstrong sends Raiden flying and screaming)''\ |
| 369 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[DontExplainTheJoke It's funny because thousands of people die.]]\ |
| 370 | '''Armstrong:''' ([[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Real in-game dialogue]]) [[PrecisionFStrike Don't fuck with THIS Senator!]]\ |
| 371 | ''([[PunchedAcrossTheRoom kicks Raiden into the EXCELSUS cockpit pod]] as cheering is heard)''\ |
| 372 | [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer This cheering is part of the original in-game audio.]] |
| 373 | |
| 374 | ->'''Raiden:''' Typical politician. All cock, but no cum.\ |
| 375 | '''Armstrong:''' [[FlatWhat What]]?\ |
| 376 | '''Raiden:''' Land of Opportunity? American Dream? It's all bullshit! The success of a nation is determined by materialistic and socioeconomic factors. Read a fucking book!\ |
| 377 | '''Armstrong:''' Heh heh. The truth, then. [[CorruptPolitician Us politicians aren't so trustworthy]]. We'll steal, make shit up, even lie to our voters.\ |
| 378 | '''Raiden:''' That's crazy!\ |
| 379 | '''Armstrong:''' I know, it's very hard to believe. But that's just what the USA is all about, Jack. Not hiding our theft and murder, [[HumansAreBastards but embracing it]]. Whether it's votes. Whether it's money. ''Especially'' money. Fuck all these limp dick [=YouTubers=] and chicken shit Redditors. Fuck this 24/7 Internet spew of Discord and Vtuber BULLSHIT! I'm gonna build a new future, Jack. One where we won't have to hide our stealing from anyone. And for that, [[WeCanRuleTogether I want you by my side]]. To build a world truly free from the consequences of our actions. Just like the Founding Fathers intended. What do you say, Raiden? Why not try to say it? Just once.\ |
| 380 | '''Raiden:''' I was wrong about you, Senator. You're not cringe. You're just fucking '''[[{{Corpsing}} racist!]]'''\ |
| 381 | ''([[SensoryAbuse every sound effect at once]])''\ |
| 382 | '''Armstrong:''' Goddamn it! (he punches the ground in anger) ([[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer Real in-game dialogue]]) We're making the mother of all omelettes here, Jack. Can't fret over every egg!\ |
| 383 | '''Raiden:''' I'm sorry Senator, but this is my [[TitleDrop Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance]]. |
| 384 | |
| 385 | ->'''Armstrong:''' You need to work on your fitness.\ |
| 386 | '''Raiden:''' What?\ |
| 387 | '''Armstrong:''' [[WhatsAHenway Fitness]] dick in your mouth. |
| 388 | |
| 389 | ->'''Armstrong:''' [[PatrioticFervor My blood is red, white, and blue Jack]]. [[ImpliedDeathThreat I wonder what color yours is]].\ |
| 390 | '''Blade Wolf:''' Wait. Raiden...\ |
| 391 | '''Raiden:''' [[WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy Brian Griffin...]]\ |
| 392 | '''Blade Wolf:''' You can't give up yet! Think about every mentally deranged moron you've fought up until this point. You've always had the strength to overcome! [[WaxingLyrical Whether it was violence in movies, or sex on TV]]. I was always lucky there was a Family Guy. [[IdiotHero Even if your IQ is the room temperature of Alaska]].\ |
| 393 | '''Raiden:''' You are the best Chia Pet ever made.\ |
| 394 | '''Blade Wolf:''' Sam put a fucking speaker in his sword.\ |
| 395 | '''Sam:''' That's right, I've finally uploaded my consciousness into my gaming setup. Raiden, the reason you're cringe is not because you ain't skilled, but because you ain't ballin' on that stank-ass Windows 95 'puter.\ |
| 396 | '''Raiden:''' Even in death he's on crack.\ |
| 397 | '''Sam:''' [[EleventhHourSuperpower Just this once I'll lend you my setup]] so you can know what it's like to be a real GAMER.\ |
| 398 | '''Armstrong:''' You're my little Dogchamp. ([[KickTheDog Armstrong kicks Blade Wolf out of the fight]])\ |
| 399 | '''Raiden:''' I've always said my sword was a tool of justice. Not a weapon, but a way to bring back those good old fashioned values upon which we used to rely. But this isn't my sword. It's a fucking mistake. |
| 400 | |
| 401 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Hey what's up guys, [=Max0r=] here, and welcome to the FinalBoss. You know, he can be, uh... this guy's a little, uh... You know he's pretty [[{{Pun}} hard]]. We're here after extensive cutscenes to finally teach America that violence is never a solution, it's a question, and the answer is yes.\ |
| 402 | '''Armstrong:''' [[VideoGame/TeamFortress2 Start praying, boy. AAAAH--]] ([[Music/{{Yoasobi}} Gunjou]] pops in during his scream)[[note]][[red:DEATH CANNOT COME SOONER]][[/note]]\ |
| 403 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[Creator/DwayneJohnson Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's]] [[SuperStrength immense strength]] and talent for volcanic eruptions comes from his ability to switch between a culture vulture and Obama at will,[[note]]Obama is literally half-white so this joke sucks[[/note]] channeling the power of both races to whoop your ass back to ''Platform/{{Roblox}}'', but among his many racial talents, our [[AddedAlliterativeAppeal Buff Buzzard]] is [[LightningBruiser fast]], [[Music/RickAstley has a great singing voice]] and possesses [[MemeticMutation forklift certification]]; when you die, it ''will'' be in accordance with OSHA regulations. But after spending enough time in the oven, our athletic aesthetic disarms Raiden and reports to his chiropractor for an adjustment. This guy beats up more biracial people than a police officer. Armstrong even has the power to receive the Light of Allah, which bestows upon him miraculous healing wisdom.[[note]]How is Allah this strong[[/note]] Needless to say, [[AwesomeBosses/MetalGear this fight is fantastic]], [[FinalExamBoss combining and expanding on every skill we've acquired]] on our long and arduous journey for a final battle that truly tests our [[StealthPun mettle]]. This isn't even [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid2SonsOfLiberty the first time]] Raiden has stabbed a politician to death, but if I get my way, it won't be the fucking last. |
| 404 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' narrating the final battle against Senator Armstrong |
| 405 | |
| 406 | ->'''Armstrong:''' Y'know, I'm starting to have a [[{{Pun}} change of heart]].\ |
| 407 | '''Raiden:''' ''(squeezes Armstrong's heart)'' Yeah, I can tell.\ |
| 408 | '''Armstrong:''' That's why you're the best, Jack. You always [[{{Pun}} wore my heart]] on your sleeve.\ |
| 409 | '''Raiden:''' ''(squeezes harder)'' If I hear another goddamn pun...\ |
| 410 | '''Armstrong:''' If you kill me, Jack, you'll finally be free. [[RuleOfThree Free to follow your heart]]--\ |
| 411 | '''Raiden:''' ''([[BeatStillMyHeart rips out Armstrong's heart]])'' [[LamePunReaction Oookay, that's it, buddy.]] |
| 412 | |
| 413 | ->'''News anchor:''' And in other news, a United States Senator tragically passed away this morning after a botched open-heart surgery. The hospital is still at large...\ |
| 414 | '''Kevin:''' Honey, can we please stop watching obituaries?\ |
| 415 | '''Courtney:''' [[ImpliedDeathThreat You'll be on there next if you don't SHUT THE FUCK UP.]] ''(sips coffee)'' |
| 416 | |
| 417 | ->'''Courtney:''' Ninja cyborg? Doesn't Raiden do that?\ |
| 418 | '''Doktor:''' Oh yes, Raiden, ahah, well... the police ''might'' be after him for that vehicular manslaughter.\ |
| 419 | '''Raiden:''' [laughter transcribed as [[FunWithSubtitles "The essence of comedy"]]] Manslaughter, Doktor? I did that shit on purpose! |
| 420 | [[/folder]] |
| 421 | |
| 422 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Solid 3]] |
| 423 | |
| 424 | !!Intro |
| 425 | ->After the end of UsefulNotes/WorldWarII,\ |
| 426 | the world was split into two -- Based and Cringe.\ |
| 427 | This marked the beginning of the era called the UsefulNotes/ColdWar. |
| 428 | -->--The video's [[{{Epigraph}} opening text]], narrated by '''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 429 | |
| 430 | ->"[[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid3SnakeEater Bike Pedal Solid 3]] is a game developed by world-famous movie director [[Creator/HideoKojima Split Day Old Josh in Mom]] in which you are tasked with the defeat of [[DirtyCommunists Communists]] in the jungles of Siberia. It's the height of the Cold War, and tensions between the forces of Based and Cringe have never been higher. In the backdrop of this international struggle, our hero must brave dark forests, high mountains, and two separate [[Platform/PlayStation2 console]] [[Platform/PlayStation3 generations]].The aim of this Virtuous Mission is to extract a Soviet scientist named Sokolov working on a secret project for an invincible weapon of war. And with great ambition, determination, and a will to stop the forces of evil, our hero, Naked Snake ([[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer that's his real code name]]) begins preparations for the plunge below, and the perilous journey which lies ahead.\ |
| 431 | But first, a warning. I wanted to record the [[UpdatedRerelease HD version]] of the game in order to get better footage, but unfortunately, that's only on the [=PS3=]. Then I remembered that my computer ''is'' a [=PS3=]. ''[whispering]'' But there might be a few bugs." |
| 432 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s introduction to ''Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater'' |
| 433 | |
| 434 | !!Virtuous Mission |
| 435 | ->"Now the Virtuous Mission can finally begin. Except no, my mom is calling me. You've been ignoring her philosophy lectures for five years before she finally caught up to you. Now you can finally listen to her talking about ''[garbled, incredibly sped-up speech]''." |
| 436 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 437 | |
| 438 | ->'''KGB agent:''' What's a GRU soldier doing here?!\ |
| 439 | '''Ocelot:''' [[AssKickingPose I came here to gesticulate for no rrreason!]] I suffer from a disorder in which I must wave my hands around randomly-\ |
| 440 | '''KGB agent:''' [[FlatWhat What?]]\ |
| 441 | ''[Ocelot kills all the KGB agents]'' |
| 442 | |
| 443 | ->"Now Snake, tell me: is it true that in Capitalist America, hordes of pigs can appear from nowhere and kill children?" |
| 444 | -->--'''[=Ocelot=]''' asking Snake the first of many questions |
| 445 | |
| 446 | !!Snake Eater |
| 447 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' In order to save the world and prove our innocence, you must head back into the jungle, and stop [[Franchise/StarWars Palaptine]]'s plan to overthrow [[UsefulNotes/NikitaKhrushchev Khrushchev]]. This is the beginning... of Operation Snake Eater.\ |
| 448 | OPERATION: SNAKE EATER\ |
| 449 | [-[[FunWithSubtitles HAHA]] [[ToiletHumour POOPY POOPER]]-] |
| 450 | |
| 451 | ->"She spawns her hair and then reveals her real name: EVA, which is a [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion stupid]] name. Then she [[HulkSpeak show her huge booba]] to Big Boss the Snake. I am talking largo bazonkadonkos. Dustpan-sized [[VideoGame/DonkeyKong Donkey Kongs]]. She gets you to sign up for her [=OnlyFans=] and then gives Snake a gun, which he likes ''[[GunNut more]]''." |
| 452 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' describing [[MsFanservice EVA]]'s first appearance |
| 453 | |
| 454 | ->'''Ocelot:''' Is it true that in Capitalist America, you pay for healthcare in blood?\ |
| 455 | '''Snake:''' I--I mean, not all of us...[[note]]Grifols Plasma offers money for blood donations[[/note]]\ |
| 456 | '''Ocelot:''' ''[[BigWhat What?!]]'' |
| 457 | |
| 458 | ->'''Ocelot:''' Tell me, American: is it true that in Capitalist America, there is no such thing as the village toothbrush?\ |
| 459 | '''Snake:''' [[FlatWhat The what?]]\ |
| 460 | '''Ocelot:''' Fascinating! |
| 461 | |
| 462 | ->"Welcome to the cave area. ''Fuck'' [[ThatOneLevel the cave area.]] It's literally so dark that you can't tell [[NoFourthWall when I cut clips]]." |
| 463 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 464 | |
| 465 | !!The Pain |
| 466 | ->'''The Pain:''' I am [[UsefulNotes/MSPaint The Paint]]!\ |
| 467 | '''Snake:''' Do you mean "The Pain"?\ |
| 468 | '''The Pain:''' ''[backflips]'' [[LittleNo No]]. |
| 469 | |
| 470 | !!The Fear |
| 471 | ->"I filled that arrow with heroin. [[MushroomSamba You're about to have a fuckin' blast]], my dude." |
| 472 | -->--'''The Fear''' |
| 473 | |
| 474 | ->"Alright, so the crackhead [[GrammarCorrectionGag is died]], time to go." |
| 475 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 476 | |
| 477 | !!The Fury |
| 478 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' This is the ladder scene sped up by 1000 times, you'll notice that it takes a long time, we're barely halfway there, UsefulNotes/AlbertEinstein [[Website/{{Wikipedia}} was a German-born theoretical physicist who developed the theory of relativity, one of the]]--We're here.\ |
| 479 | ''[Snake falls from the top]''\ |
| 480 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[Website/{{Wikipedia}} Gibbons are apes in the family Hylobatidae, the family]] [[SmashCut histo]]-- |
| 481 | |
| 482 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' You look down at the base and see Palpatine.\ |
| 483 | '''Volgin:''' Fuck you, barrel. You're the worst WebVideo/PewDiePie character.\ |
| 484 | ''[punches the barrel away]''\ |
| 485 | '''Ocelot:''' Colonel, please help me! [[SillyWalk I can't stop walking like I have to take a shit!]]\ |
| 486 | '''Volgin:''' I literally killed a person, you fucking idiot.\ |
| 487 | '''Ocelot:''' [[FlatWhat What?]]\ |
| 488 | ''[notices Granin's corpse]''\ |
| 489 | '''Volgin:''' This is why we don't have sex, Ocelot. All communists may be gay, but I'm not gay for ''you.'' |
| 490 | |
| 491 | ->"Hey there, Snake. [[QuirkyMinibossSquad I know that you're expecting a gimmick, or a funny voice]], but... [[DefiedTrope there is no gimmick.]] I'm just here to kill you. ''[{{Beat}}]'' [[ThisIsForEmphasisBitch Bitch.]]" |
| 492 | -->--'''[[NoNonsenseNemesis The Fury]]''' |
| 493 | |
| 494 | !!Groznyj Grad |
| 495 | ->'''Volgin:''' Where have you been, kitten? Daddy's been waiting in Discord VC for three fucking hours now.\ |
| 496 | ''[Volgin feels Snake up]''\ |
| 497 | '''Volgin:''' Wait a fucking second... [[ImposterForgotOneDetail Kitten has a]] ''[[ImposterForgotOneDetail bent]]'' [[ImposterForgotOneDetail penis]]. |
| 498 | |
| 499 | ->'''Ocelot:''' Now American, tell me...\ |
| 500 | ''[rapid-fire clapping]''\ |
| 501 | '''Ocelot:''' Is it illegal to clap in America? |
| 502 | |
| 503 | ->'''Ocelot:''' Oh, Snake, it seems you have nowhere to go, how fortunate for me. Now you'll just ''have'' to answer ''all'' of my questions!\ |
| 504 | '''Snake:''' Oh my God, he's going to ask me something stupid--\ |
| 505 | '''Ocelot:''' Is it true that in capitalist America, the army is conscripted to fight giant tumbleweeds? Answer me, or else! ''[beat]'' Okay, fine!\ |
| 506 | ''[[[DramaticAmmoDepletion Ocelot's gun clicks]]]''\ |
| 507 | '''Ocelot:''' [[FlatWhat What?]] ...You win this time, American. |
| 508 | |
| 509 | !!The Sorrow |
| 510 | ->"You're just like me, Snake--edgy as all hell." |
| 511 | -->--'''The Sorrow''' |
| 512 | |
| 513 | ->"And when the moment is darkest and Snake is on the verge of forever death, someone begins playing Music/LinkinPark, so Snake comes back to life [[TakeThat to turn it off]]." |
| 514 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 515 | |
| 516 | !!True Communism |
| 517 | ->"Snake, what the fuck are you wearing? Am I in a goddamn Jiffy Lube?" |
| 518 | -->--'''The Boss''' on Snake's mechanic disguise |
| 519 | |
| 520 | ->"How about I lay it out in a way that ''you'' can understand, you ''unfresh bonobo?'' Communism is when the government gives people healthcare. And the ''more'' healthcare the government gives, the ''more [[BuffySpeak communister]]'' it is. My plan is to use this money to give healthcare to every man, woman and child in the world, and therefore ''force'' them to adopt communism. I will ensure that the government takes every toothbrush, every iPhone, and every stock market, and ''burns'' them, along with every [[HarsherInHindsight starving Ukrainian]]. Once the Soviet Union stands supreme as leader of the world's nations, and the top provider of healthcare, I will rename the Earth to Venezuela and inflate our currency until the end of time! To destroy all of the small business owners and mom-and-pop landlords, I have my Shagohod tank, which will rain a nuclear fire upon a new, ''red'' world." |
| 521 | -->--'''Volgin's''' MotiveRant |
| 522 | |
| 523 | !!Palpatine |
| 524 | ->"Thank God he's dead for real this time. Now [[UsefulNotes/MikhailGorbachev Gorbachev]] can sell the Soviet Union for pizza in peace." |
| 525 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' after Volgin's last boss fight |
| 526 | |
| 527 | !!The Boss |
| 528 | ->"Oh, ''take your time,'' EVA, it's not like the Russians are coming to ''murder'' me or anything!" |
| 529 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 530 | |
| 531 | ->'''The Boss:''' It's beautiful, isn't it, Snake? You've fallen for her, haven't you? I thought I raised you better than this, Snake. Better than ''her.'' I raised you to be ''gay,'' Snake! The ''ultimate'' soldier against simpery! I knew about the terror that the [=OnlyFans=] would bring upon this world, and this is only one of the results! Snake, I faked my defection to get the [=OnlyFans=] so that ''no one'' in the world could ''ever'' have it again. Not even ''you.''\ |
| 532 | ''[The Boss tosses her poncho aside]''\ |
| 533 | '''The Boss:''' See this scar, Snake? I tried to get surgery to become an e-girl. And look what it did to me. ''No one'' can be allowed to have this money, not ''you,'' nor anyone ever again. And if you want to please your e-girl ''so much,'' then you will have to take it from me.\ |
| 534 | '''Snake:''' [[BluntYes Okay]]. |
| 535 | |
| 536 | ->'''The Boss:''' Take it, you simping dumbass...\ |
| 537 | '''Snake:''' I'll always remember you as being based, Boss.\ |
| 538 | '''The Boss:''' Take... the gun... and fucking shoot me... so I never have to hear that word again. [[DisappointedInYou You are a disgrace... and an imbecile]].\ |
| 539 | ''[{{Beat}}]''\ |
| 540 | '''The Boss:''' [[GetItOverWith Snake hurry up]]--\ |
| 541 | ''[Snake pulls the trigger]'' |
| 542 | |
| 543 | !!Escape and Conclusion |
| 544 | ->"Oh, how rude of you! Tell me, do all Americans wear bananas? Is it a cultural thing? I suppose not." |
| 545 | -->--'''[=Ocelot=]''' musing about Snake's banana-patterned fatigues |
| 546 | |
| 547 | ->'''Ocelot:''' Haha! It's a blank, American! I wouldn't dare kill you, because ''I'' have one more question. In Capitalist America, [[FoeRomanceSubtext do you think that a--an Ocelot and a Snake c-could find love?... I-- Is it possible?]]\ |
| 548 | ''[{{Beat}}]''\ |
| 549 | '''Snake:''' [[BrutalHonesty That's cringe]].\ |
| 550 | '''Ocelot:''' Okay, bye. ''[jumps out of the plane while screaming]'' |
| 551 | |
| 552 | ->"All that remains of her now are memories... of a time long since passed, a time where the world was simpler, a time of Based and Cringe." |
| 553 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 554 | |
| 555 | [[/folder]] |
| 556 | |
| 557 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain]] |
| 558 | |
| 559 | !!Intro |
| 560 | |
| 561 | ->"[[VideoGame/MetalGearSolidVThePhantomPain Metallic Gear Sold V]][[note]]The Phantom Poopy[[/note]] is a game that premiered in theatres in 2016, written by [[Creator/HideoKojima His Day Old Coat Jim Mom]]. And [[TakeThat like the developers, I did not finish the game all the way]]. This game follows the chronicles of Large Manager after his mercenary army was blown up by the illuminati, led by emo [[Creator/JimCarrey Jim Carrey's]] Film/TheMask. Tasked only with revenge and the rebuilding of his private army, the Chief of Considerable Size must struggle against the sub- and supernatural in order to stop the Film/SonOfTheMask from [[{{Sequelitis}} being made]]. But the biggest challenge of our Hefty Captain is waking up from a coma, a battle which he struggles with for nine years... until now." |
| 562 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 563 | |
| 564 | !!The Whale |
| 565 | |
| 566 | ->"No problem bro, we already figured out what's wrong with you. You got enough holes in you to make a [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants SpongeBob]] {{cosplay}}. You also have more brain damage than Creator/LoganPaul. You ''would'' have an arm, but there was, like, a famine eight years back..." |
| 567 | -->--'''[=Doctor=]''' |
| 568 | |
| 569 | !!Afghanistan |
| 570 | |
| 571 | ->"You are forced to engage in an elaborate dance with the enemy sniper, just narrowly defeating her by [[CheeseStrategy dropping two boxes of supplies directly on her face]]. Then you kidnap her, because she's the first woman you've ever seen in, like, a decade. And let me tell you, the Metal Gear Solid fanbase is ''really thirsty''. On the way back, a jet shoots at you, but the pilot is blinded by her massive titties." |
| 572 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 573 | |
| 574 | ->'''Huey:''' We'll need to modify postural control to accommodate a human pilot. I ''share'' your urgency...\ |
| 575 | '''Skull Face:''' ''[[[InnerMonologue internally]]]'' Y'know, I've always wanted to push a crippled guy down the stairs. |
| 576 | |
| 577 | !!Africa |
| 578 | ->"Hey, Snake, how ya doin'? I know I was supposed to keep 'er in the cage, but she's got, like, ''big'' fuckin' boobs." |
| 579 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' as a DD soldier |
| 580 | |
| 581 | ->"It's time to go out there and rescue this guy. He tells you of a mysterious plot of the illuminati to kidnap children and harvest their adrenochrome. You head to their secret African compound, ensuring that [[MemeticMutation the clap of your asscheeks doesn't alert the guards]]. Locating their location, the Massive Master finds them to be trapped in a mine of minors." |
| 582 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 583 | |
| 584 | !!Sahelanthropus Rex |
| 585 | |
| 586 | ->'''Skull Face:''' Do you know ''why'' I quit my day job as a successful Hollywood actor to run the illuminati, Boss? Because I think I'll be forced to tell you. Think about your base, Snake. The people you've taken or the methods you've used.\ |
| 587 | ''["--anime prison in the sea." "--their anime rations--" "--big fuckin' boobs." "--{{nightcore}}." "--anime prison--" "--weeaboos--" "--sending him to your anime prison to be indoctrinated."]''\ |
| 588 | '''Skull Face:''' There's one commonality between all of these things. Your ''obsession'' with anime has created all of ''this.'' And it's up to the illuminati to ''destroy'' it. Look at the top superchatted channels on Website/YouTube, Snake. They're all {{virtual YouTuber}}s. ''Anime'' which must be cleansed from this earth if we are to know peace. And for that, Snake, I have my language virus.\ |
| 589 | '''Skull Face:''' I will wipe all of those who speak Japanese off of the face of this earth, ''cleansing it'' in a [[KillItWithFire holy fire]], the filth of which--\ |
| 590 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' ''[sitting shotgun]'' Hey, can you two shut the fuck up back there, I'm tryna drive?\ |
| 591 | '''Skull Face:''' --untold evil will spring forth, like a flowing waterfall, if I do not ''silence'' their high voices and their whore's dreams, for the rest of time. I hope you understand, Snake, what I must do, and what you must ''watch.'' [[AntiClimax We still have three hours in this car ride]].\ |
| 592 | '''Skull Face:''' I'm at [=McDonald's=], do you want anything? |
| 593 | |
| 594 | ->'''Skull Face:''' Cipher will rewrite the records... and I will vanish from human memory.\ |
| 595 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' Wait a minute, is that cunt doing the anime monologue that he's practiced for, like, nine years again?\ |
| 596 | '''Skull Face:''' But...\ |
| 597 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' If I have to listen to this guy talk for more than twenty seconds, I will blow his brains out.\ |
| 598 | '''Skull Face:''' ...the thirst for revenge that I have planted will infest the system! ''No one'' can stop it now.\ |
| 599 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' Seventeen, sixteen, fiftee-- you really aren't fucking getting this, you really don't understand.\ |
| 600 | '''Skull Face:''' Major...\ |
| 601 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' Oh my fucking god, this clown is trying to talk to me.\ |
| 602 | '''Skull Face:''' ''...I'm buuurniiing uuuuup!''\ |
| 603 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' Dude, what are you even saying? Shut the fuck up. ''[crushes him]''\ |
| 604 | ''[Snake tries to make his escape]''\ |
| 605 | '''Sahelanthropus:''' Snake, do you know how ''loud'' a ''car engine'' is? You're not being sneaky! |
| 606 | |
| 607 | ->'''Skull Face:''' Finish me... Kill meee...\ |
| 608 | '''Snake:''' Can do!\ |
| 609 | ''[shoots him several times]''\ |
| 610 | '''Snake:''' Outta ammo, sorry bro. |
| 611 | |
| 612 | ->"We together, with our enemies destroyed and with the help of a giant robot, can overcome anything. Except for the rest of this game." |
| 613 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 614 | |
| 615 | !!Heart of Darkness |
| 616 | |
| 617 | ->"Yes, as it turns out, the game isn't actually over yet. But the budget is! A company named Creator/{{Konami}} had shot developer Hideo Kojima in the face and said "Why can't you make pachinko machines?" so they stopped making the fucking game. What we got as a result is the software equivalent of a stillborn infant where none of the cutscenes have any context, so I'll try to get through them as fast as I can." |
| 618 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' on the game's second chapter |
| 619 | |
| 620 | ->"Someone on the base is probably a traitor. Miller suspects Emmerich, but he was [[https://youtu.be/Sy1JwrBU40w?t=40 a very functional horse]] when I was out in the field, so I don't know." |
| 621 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' |
| 622 | |
| 623 | ->'''Snake:''' I can't bring you back to life, but... I can rub your ashes all over my face. Mmm, feelf fo good!\ |
| 624 | '''Miller:''' What the fuck is wrong with you, Boss? |
| 625 | |
| 626 | ->'''Miller:''' Huey Emmerich, you stand accused of being the traitor and for yelling at people during a funeral.\ |
| 627 | '''Huey:''' I--It can't be me, I was busy playing VideoGame/LeagueOfLegends--\ |
| 628 | '''Miller:''' ''Death.''\ |
| 629 | ''[afterwards]''\ |
| 630 | '''Huey:''' You're the real simp, Snake! You're all just a bunch of blackpilled doomer cucks! Everyone can see it!\ |
| 631 | '''Snake:''' Kaz, what the fuck is he saying? |
| 632 | |
| 633 | ->"I hope you understand why the end of the game is seen as "abrupt" and in fact, so is the end of the entire ''Metal Gear'' franchise. In the end, it wasn't Jim Carrey that killed Big Boss, it wasn't a giant robot, it wasn't the [[ComicBook/FantasticFour Human Torch]], or psychic powers... [[ExecutiveMeddling it was a fucking pachinko machine]]. If you're an executive at Konami, I would suggest that you [[TurbineBlender put your ear near a jet engine]]. But before we close, let's all appreciate the efforts of a hard-working man who didn't even want to make this game. We're sorry, Hideo Kojima." |
| 634 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s parting words |
| 635 | |
| 636 | [[/folder]] |
| 637 | |
| 638 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Resident Evil 4 | Fun Times in Europe]] |
| 639 | |
| 640 | !!Intro |
| 641 | |
| 642 | ->'''[[WebVideo/{{Martincitopants}} Officer]]:''' Hey, uh- e- You doin' okay?\ |
| 643 | '''Leon:''' Nothing. (Staring intensely at Ashley's photo)\ |
| 644 | '''Officer:''' Right. We got a simp in the back.\ |
| 645 | '''Leon:''' No, [[{{Spoonerism}} ociffer.]] It's- "Hi, how are you?"\ |
| 646 | '''Officer:''' ...Fucking step on it, Maurice. |
| 647 | |
| 648 | ->'''President:''' Leon, you're a good man, and a reliable friend. So I need to ask you for this one favor. I need you to fuck my daughter, Leon. She's been kidnapped by a god damn wizard. I'm giving you my finest ute for the job, man, so just uh- Make sure if you kill anyone you get it on video.\ |
| 649 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' So the game starts with a- ''(European jumpscare)'' Oh god, it's a European.\ |
| 650 | '''Leon:''' ey what's the matter buddy, you never seen a ''walmart shooting'' [[{{Corpsing}} before???]]\ |
| 651 | ''(The man ignores Leon while mumbling at the fireplace)''\ |
| 652 | '''Leon:''' Alright, that's it, I'm stealing your shit.\ |
| 653 | ''(The man attacks Leon with a hatchet, which Leon blocks)''\ |
| 654 | '''Leon:''' Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to ''stop resisting''. ''(Roundhouse kicks him into a wall, breaking his neck.)''\ |
| 655 | '''Leon:''' ok so how do i hide a body??? preferably ''before'' he seeks ''medical attention''. |
| 656 | |
| 657 | |
| 658 | !!!Part I: [[VideoGame/ResidentEvilVillage President Evil Village]] |
| 659 | |
| 660 | ->''(Leon untapes Luis's mouth)''\ |
| 661 | '''Luis[[note]][[DamnedByFaintPraise He's here, too]][[/note]]:''' [[PainfulAdhesiveRemoval That hurts, you know]].\ |
| 662 | '''Leon[[note]]Wanted in 27 countries[[/note]]:''' I can put it back on.\ |
| 663 | '''Luis:''' Oh, normally I would be partial. But, uh... How's about you untie me BEFORE The Mormons come back?\ |
| 664 | '''Leon:''' [[FlatWhat Before the what?]]\ |
| 665 | '''Luis:''' Never mind. Just do it!\ |
| 666 | '''Father Mendez:''' Hey there, Leon. Have you heard of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?\ |
| 667 | '''Leon:''' I have no idea who that is.\ |
| 668 | '''Father Mendez:''' WELL THEN, in that case let me introduce you!\ |
| 669 | ''(slaps Leon's gun away and flings him across the tunnel)''\ |
| 670 | '''Father Mendez:''' Anyways, Leon. I couldn't help but notice that you ''aren't vaccinated''. You know what we do to naughty children who don't get their Fauci Ouchie!\ |
| 671 | ''(injects Leon with Las Plagas)'' |
| 672 | |
| 673 | ->(Leon wakes up with his arms chained up in a shack)\ |
| 674 | '''Leon:''' Well that shit was fucking weird.\ |
| 675 | (when he moves his arms, he finds he's connected to Luis)\ |
| 676 | '''Luis[[note]]The Suave Spaniard[[/note]]:''' Hey- That's painful. ...I mean, unless you like that. You know, chains aren't normally my thing, but uh, we don't kinkshame in this house.\ |
| 677 | [[[SuddenSoundtrackStop Mariachi music stops]]]\ |
| 678 | '''Leon:''' [[FlatWhat ...the fuck?]] [''yanks hard on chain'']\ |
| 679 | '''Luis:''' [[TooKinkyToTorture Harder, daddy!]]\ |
| 680 | '''Leon:''' What?\ |
| 681 | '''Luis:''' What?\ |
| 682 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Breaking out of the [[CardboardPrison least secure cell in existence]].\ |
| 683 | [fucking dies]\ |
| 684 | '''Luis:''' You know Leon, this is just like a game I once played called ''VideoGame/AmongUs''.\ |
| 685 | '''Leon:''' (pulling him out of the way of an incoming Ganado) Shut the fuck up.\ |
| 686 | [dies again]\ |
| 687 | '''Luis:''' I think I'm starting to come around to the chains (the two of them smack the Ganado in the face [[ChainPain with the chains]]) just a little bit, you know?\ |
| 688 | '''Leon:''' Well let's just hope for your sake that he's not into strangulation.\ |
| 689 | '''Luis:''' (straining) Well it would be a problem if he was, Leon!\ |
| 690 | '''Leon:''' I think he could use a (Leon steps on the chain and [[NeckSnap breaks the Ganado's neck]], killing him) demonstration.\ |
| 691 | (the Ganado falls down and drags Luis with him. Luis quickly snatches the key and undoes his cuffs)\ |
| 692 | '''Leon:''' You know what, that's a pretty good reason.\ |
| 693 | (Luis slides off the chains from his wrists, holding the key)\ |
| 694 | '''Leon:''' Wait a fucking second, dickhead!\ |
| 695 | (Leon tries to charge at Luis, but he's still connected to the chains)\ |
| 696 | '''Luis:''' Heh heh heh heh. Call me. |
| 697 | |
| 698 | !!!Part II: Leon Goes to Church |
| 699 | |
| 700 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Welcome, everyone, to Y- [[PrisonLevel USP Atlanta]]. A dusty and dingy dungeon hosting one of the world's most psychotic criminals. I've, uh... already found three shanks. Taking a trip down Cell Block C, we find-\ |
| 701 | '''Merchant:''' [[WelcomeToCorneria Hello, stranger.]]\ |
| 702 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Jesus! We find [[DungeonShop the Merchant]], who is your go-to man for [[OffscreenTeleportation teleportation]] and illicit firearms. The ATF is gonna be PISSED when they hear about this one. You know, prison in America can be very tough, [[{{corpsing}} especially when you are the only child molester]]. So, I think I'm gonna help out by [[DeadlyEuphemism shortening some of those life sentences.]] |
| 703 | |
| 704 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Walking in through the nect door-\ |
| 705 | '''Merchant:''' [[StealthHiBye Hello, stranger.]] [[purple: I've got wares to sell.]]\ |
| 706 | '''Leon:''' Cool, but, uh, [[FunWithSubtitles e/...]] [[FridgeLogic How did you get here?]]\ |
| 707 | (beat)\ |
| 708 | '''Leon:''' Like, the door was locked.\ |
| 709 | '''Merchant:''' [[WelcomeToCorneria Hello,]] [[RunningGag stranger.]] |
| 710 | |
| 711 | |
| 712 | !!!Leon Goes Fishing (and Destroys the Local Ecosystem) |
| 713 | |
| 714 | ->Okay so welcome to the, uh... the fuckin' [[VideoGame/PokemonRubyAndSapphire Kyogre]] fight. This is the shittiest episode of Pokémon I've ever seen[[note]]Game Freak: Yeah you can fuck the pokemon in the new one.[[/note]] in my goddamn life. Hey guys, [=Max0r=] here! Back at it again with, uh... with, uh... I forgor. This fight revolves around Leon's infinite bag of spears [[CrazyPrepared which he has kept specifically for this scenario]]. That would've been really useful against the priest, Leon. So after helping clean up the local ecosystem, the beast grows angry and enters his, um... Oh god. His [[WesternAnimation/ThomasAndFriends Thomas]] phase? Oh fuck, this looks awesome, dude. How very visible of you, game. So in short, Del Lago is an awesome fight, but ironically it's not very deep. It's pretty much just this (Leon throwing harpoons at the monster) for like five minutes, and if you're really lucky you'll be forced to touch a single button on your keyboard. I guess you can say this fight is pretty shrimple. I think it's time to give him some professional kelp. (Del Lago comes out of the water in one last, dying gasp before revealing Leon caught a [[VideoGame/{{Ultrakill}} Funny Stupid Fish (Friend)]]). Aww sweet. |
| 715 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' going fishing with Del Lago |
| 716 | |
| 717 | !!!Part III: The Denny's Parking Lot |
| 718 | |
| 719 | ->'''Cultist:''' Hey, uh, so... To the owner of the red Nissan Altima, you-you're kinda-you're kinda blocking the disabled parking space. And normally that's for like, people with no bones and shit...\ |
| 720 | ''(El Gigante smashes the gate leading to the arena)''\ |
| 721 | '''Cultist:''' Uh, what the fuck is that noise?\ |
| 722 | ''(El Gigante knocks the gate down)''\ |
| 723 | '''Leon:''' Wow, that guy sounds like a really... really... REALLY big asshole. You know, uh... no offense?\ |
| 724 | ''(El Gigante roars)'' |
| 725 | |
| 726 | !!!Leon Issues a Fucking Parking Ticket |
| 727 | ->(Leon battles El Gigante to [[VideoGame/PizzaTower The Death That I Deservioli]])\ |
| 728 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' So here we are at the first "real" boss of the game, and I can definitely say he's going to be a [[{{Pun}} big issue]]. (El Gigante bites Leon's head off) This guy can easily move his car. You-you know, with his hands. Now this may come as a shock, but the combat in this game is, uh... (Leon gets in several shots on El Gigante who stands still and lets him) a little patient. So more than anything, we are forced to rely on positioning. For instance, don't position yourself in a small crack shack just because you think you are safe. (El Gigante lifts up the shack that Leon is hiding in) Hey man, I... Can you give me my roof back? (Leon gets the shack slammed on top of him, then gets up) Yo holy shit, free loot over here. Actually when he's near a building, don't position yourself anywhere. Fucking disappear. (the dog Leon saved earlier howls before joining the fight) Oh my goodness gracious, what the dog doing?[[note]]Of what tomfoolery is this[[/note]] No, seriously, what is it doing? That's right, ladies and gentlemen, our furry friend is back with a vengeance, and by vengeance I mean glorified distraction. (El Gigante jumps at Leon) Oh god! Sometimes a good distraction is all we need, especially when you are driving. (El Gigante is stuck in one of the shacks) Aw hell yeah dude let's fucking go. (Leon climbs up El Gigante to slash at the Plagas on its back, but it looks like he's slashing at the wood) The sound isn't even synced. I don't think it's supposed to happen like that. [[{{Corpsing}} So how are you doing today]]? (Leon continues fighting the giant until it dies. After the fight is over, the gate leading out opens up on its own) Who opened the door?\ |
| 729 | '''Cultist:''' [[BrickJoke Is anyone going to get that car]]? |
| 730 | -->--Leon issues a parking ticket to El Gigante |
| 731 | |
| 732 | !!!God Squad HQ |
| 733 | |
| 734 | ->'''Leon:''' Excuse me ma'am, your fucking- your [=GrubHub=]™© [[{{corpsing}} has arrived]].\ |
| 735 | ''(Ashley tries attacking Leon with a candelabrum)''\ |
| 736 | '''Ashley:''' Get away from me!\ |
| 737 | '''Leon:''' Bitch, calm down.\ |
| 738 | ''(Ashley attacks Leon again, only for him to catch the candelabrum)''\ |
| 739 | '''Leon:''' Man, I wonder what noise this metal pipe will make...\ |
| 740 | [[FunWithSubtitles [metal_pipe_falling.mp3] ]]\ |
| 741 | '''Leon:''' Uhhhh, so my name is Leon. This ''is'' a kidnapping, and you're going to lay off that gas station weed.\ |
| 742 | ''(Ashley runs away)''\ |
| 743 | ''({{beat}})''\ |
| 744 | '''Leon:''' Welp... [[DisproportionateRetribution Gotta kill her.]] |
| 745 | -->--'''Leon meets Ashley''' |
| 746 | |
| 747 | !!!Part IV: Leon Goes to Whole Foods |
| 748 | |
| 749 | ->'''Leon:''' Sup, bitch.\ |
| 750 | '''Luis:''' Heyyy, listen, about earlier...\ |
| 751 | '''Leon:''' [[HomoeroticSubtext Luis, I have weird feelings right now, and I don't like it!]]\ |
| 752 | '''Luis:''' ''(notices Ashley)'' Hey, you didn't plan on replacing me, did you?\ |
| 753 | '''Ashley:''' Leon, you told me you were straight.\ |
| 754 | '''Luis:''' Oh, so is spaghetti. ''Until it gets wet.''\ |
| 755 | '''Leon:''' I have relationships with women! A-and sex with men! That makes me straight!\ |
| 756 | '''Luis:''' You know, I don't make the rules, but, uh... I think that means you're fucking gay, Hombre.\ |
| 757 | ''(Ganados break the outer gate)''\ |
| 758 | '''Luis:''' Now Leon, assuming you don't wanna get fucked in the ass...\ |
| 759 | '''Leon:''' I definitely don't.\ |
| 760 | '''Luis:''' Uh-huh...\ |
| 761 | ''(Luis and Leon lift a closet blocking a tunnel)''\ |
| 762 | '''Leon:''' [[DoubleEntendre Hurry up and get in the closet, Ashley.]]\ |
| 763 | '''Ashley:''' I- Leon- Wh- Th- ''fuck is that supposed to mean?''\ |
| 764 | ''(Ashley crawls into the tunnel)''\ |
| 765 | '''Leon:''' Man, I hate women!\ |
| 766 | '''Luis:''' Well, Leon, it looks like we've uh, got something in common. Besides our looks, of course.\ |
| 767 | '''Leon:''' [[CurseCutShort YOU MOTHERFU-]] |
| 768 | |
| 769 | ->(the defense of the cabin is set to [[VideoGame/Yakuza0 Reign]])\ |
| 770 | [[note]][[red: I AM CURRENTLY Off my meds]][[/note]]\ |
| 771 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Welcome everyone, to being trapped in a confined space with Luis.[[note]]Rotating Luis. What slur will he say[[/note]] Since you know, Ashley wasn't torture enough. [[note]]white people when there will be video essays at the function[[/note]] And today, two hot and sweaty men, uh... (Leon is modded to have his [[ShirtlessScene shirt off]]) Where'd my shirt go? Unlike previous levels, the cabin has one and only one objective: [[VideoGame/HaloReach Survival]]. A goal which the game is very determined to stop. Ah, you know, just gotta watch out for the [[VideoGame/Left4Dead Charger]]. There are a [[BlatantLies few]] enemies in this cabin, and the space is a little bit limited. (both Leon and Luis are shirtless) This is my least favorite episode of [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventureBattleTendency JoJo]].\ |
| 772 | '''Luis:''' Oh Leon.\ |
| 773 | '''Leon:''' This isn't the fucking [[green: time Luis.]]\ |
| 774 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' So to survive, we're going to have to plan which windows to block, which weapons to reload,[[note]]The Crime Stick[[/note]] and pray to god that [[ArtificialStupidity Luis does anything]].[[note]]Oh My God Luis Do Something[[/note]] (Luis is firing in another direction while a Ganado is closing in on him) [[ThisIsGoingToSuck We're going to die]]. [[note]][[red: THIS IS COMPLETE ass to edit properly]][[/note]] (a Ganado is heard coming down the chimney) [kidney stone sounds] Oh my god, it's Santa :). (Leon shotguns the Ganado to death as another one comes down the chimney) Fuckin excuse me?? My man reincarnated. (Leon ducks from a hammer wielding Ganado, which also takes out another smaller one) Oh my god, he didn't deserve it! We are in the funny level. You can tell by how many square inches it has. You would think it becomes easier upstairs, but uh, heh... They simply respawn by crawling out of the walls. (the Ganados are shown bringing a ladder to a hole in the wall) (Leon gets knocked down by a hammer swing) WTF??? [[SarcasmMode Yeah no gr8 I'm-I'm in a gr8 position right now]]. I knew I shouldn't have smoked that "Ganado Spice Kush." |
| 775 | -->--'''Leon and Luis get shirtless and HoldTheLine in the cabin''' |
| 776 | |
| 777 | ->'''Ashley:''' Leon! The hell are you doing?!\ |
| 778 | '''Leon:''' Ummm...\ |
| 779 | '''Luis:''' Uhhh...\ |
| 780 | '''Ganado:''' Oh shit, am I interrupting something?\ |
| 781 | '''Ashley:''' No, [[WasJustLeaving we were just leaving!]]\ |
| 782 | '''Luis:''' Señorita, how did you... get out of the-\ |
| 783 | '''Leon:''' Listen, Ashley, I can explain! |
| 784 | -->--'''Ashley running into Leon and Luis [[ShirtlessScene being shirtless for some reason]]''' |
| 785 | |
| 786 | ->'''Leon:''' Wow, we put our shirts on fast.\ |
| 787 | ''(Ashley starts [[BloodFromTheMouth coughing blood]])''\ |
| 788 | '''Leon:''' Ashley, cover your mouth when you cough.\ |
| 789 | '''Ashley:''' Shut up for two seconds, Leon...\ |
| 790 | '''Luis:''' [[NonSequitur Ashley, what tastes better, the drywall at Home Depotâ„¢ or Lowesâ„¢?]]\ |
| 791 | '''Leon:''' Wha- [[FlatWhat Luis, what the fuck?]]\ |
| 792 | '''Luis:''' GREAT! I know where ''I'm'' heading today. [[{{corpsing}} shit's fucking delicious :)]] |
| 793 | |
| 794 | !!!Part V: Fun Times in Europe |
| 795 | |
| 796 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Heading past the world's biggest OSHA violation, I'm suddenly filled with a sense of... wonder and beauty! Finally, I have the power to imprison women! In uh- really obvious lockers.\ |
| 797 | '''Ashley:''' Uh- Leon- when can I come out?\ |
| 798 | '''Leon:''' Shut up Ashley, I'm playing [[VideoGame/GodofWarPS4 God of]] [[{{Corpsing}} War.]] |
| 799 | |
| 800 | ->(Leon pushes a gate open and looks around before turning back to Ashley)\ |
| 801 | '''Leon:''' Yep. [[CaptainObvious That's a door]].\ |
| 802 | '''Ashley:''' Okay.\ |
| 803 | '''Leon:''' I am very smart.\ |
| 804 | (Ashley moves forward before being grabbed by Father Mendez)\ |
| 805 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: EXCUSE ME MA'AM BUT HAVE YOU HEARD OF THE GOOD NEWS OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR-]]\ |
| 806 | '''Leon:''' Oh [[red: Jesus Christ]] not you again!\ |
| 807 | (Leon stabs Mendez in the shoulder, who [[NoSell is unfazed by it]])\ |
| 808 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: So you have heard of him!]]\ |
| 809 | '''Leon:''' Uh...\ |
| 810 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: GREAT. That'll make [[ImpliedDeathThreat meeting him]] so much easier.]]\ |
| 811 | (Méndez backhands Leon several feet away from him into the ground)\ |
| 812 | '''Ashley:''' Leon!\ |
| 813 | '''Leon:''' What the fuck did they put in those Mormom gyms?\ |
| 814 | (Méndez locks the gate, then [[SuperStrength twists the lock shut]] for good measure)\ |
| 815 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: Uh uh uh, Leon. We [[InsistentTerminology prefer]] to use the term,]] [[red: LATTER. DAY.]] [[evil: SAINTS.]] [[green: But, since you wanna be so stubborn about it, I guess you'll have to experience your 'latter days' starting... RIGHT NOW.]] |
| 816 | -->--'''Leon and Ashley''' meeting the Mormons, aka [[SinisterMinister Father Méndez]] |
| 817 | |
| 818 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' [[OhCrap Oh God oh God oh God oh God oh God]]! (Leon shoots [[ImplacableMan Father Méndez]], but it does nothing to stop him) Maybe I can hide in my house. (Leon hides in an open shack) [[TemptingFate Surely that will stop the Mormons]]. (Méndez punches Leon to death) It didn't stop the Mormons. Hang on one second, I've gotta tweak my settings. (Max lowers the BGM settings to 0, then comes back to Leon getting punched again)\ |
| 819 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: You are SUCH a kidder, Leon! [Sinister Mormon breath] ]] [[red:STOP STRUGGLING.]]\ |
| 820 | '''Leon:''' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I have to go now please]]!\ |
| 821 | '''Méndez:''' [[green: YOU CAN'T RUN FROM GOD, LEON!]]\ |
| 822 | (Ashley's foot goes through a a plank on the bridge)\ |
| 823 | '''Leon:''' Ashley, [[YouAreFat you're too heavy]]!\ |
| 824 | '''Ashley:''' LEON I'M GOING TO SKIN YOU ALIVE!\ |
| 825 | '''Ganado:''' [[red: Oh my God! Is that woman ok???]]\ |
| 826 | '''Leon:''' You fuck off, buddy. This one's taken.\ |
| 827 | '''Ganado:''' [[red: WAIT IS THAT A GUN??]]\ |
| 828 | '''Leon:''' Yes.\ |
| 829 | (Leon shoots the Ganado dead, though his weight starts making the bridge about to crumble)\ |
| 830 | '''Ashley:''' Is he going to be okay?\ |
| 831 | '''Leon:''' I think it's time to go, Ashley.\ |
| 832 | (Leon and Ashley barely manage to run across the bridge to safety while any Ganado still on it falls to their death)\ |
| 833 | '''Leon:''' Fucking ow. [inaudible rambling] I hit my head so hard...\ |
| 834 | '''Méndez:''' [[TranquilFury God is testing me.]] |
| 835 | |
| 836 | !!!Back at the Barnyard |
| 837 | |
| 838 | ->'''Merchant:''' [[purple: Hello stranger.]]\ |
| 839 | '''Leon:''' Oh god pls no.\ |
| 840 | '''Merchant:''' [[VideoGame/TheLegendOfZeldaCDiGames Lamp oil.]]\ |
| 841 | '''Leon:''' No.\ |
| 842 | '''Merchant:''' [[purple: Rope.]]\ |
| 843 | '''Leon:''' No thank you.\ |
| 844 | '''Merchant:''' [[purple: Bombs?]]\ |
| 845 | '''Leon:''' Maybe?\ |
| 846 | '''Merchant::''' [[purple: You want it? It's yours, my friend.]]\ |
| 847 | '''Leon:''' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I want to leave this place]]. I don't have enough rubies. |
| 848 | |
| 849 | ->'''Father Mendez:''' I have had it up to ''here'' asking for your baptism!\ |
| 850 | '''Ashley:''' Leon!\ |
| 851 | [[FunWithSubtitles [oddly sensual line read] ]]\ |
| 852 | [[FunWithSubtitles [I didn't tell her to do that] ]]\ |
| 853 | '''Father Mendez:''' As soon as you are saved, Ashley, I am going to teach you exactly WHY God wants you to SHUT-\ |
| 854 | ''(gets shot at by Leon)''\ |
| 855 | '''Leon:''' Speak for yourself, buddy.\ |
| 856 | '''Father Mendez:''' I let you stay in ''MY'' sex dungeon, gave you ''MY'' dog, ''vaccinated'' you, and even let this ''[[PoliticallyIncorrectVillain salted harlot]]'' stay in ''MY'' church.\ |
| 857 | '''Leon:''' Wait, what do you mean by ''your'' [[BreadEggsMilkSquick sex dungeon]]???\ |
| 858 | '''Father Mendez:''' So, Leon, forgive me if I think just a ''little'' bit of penance '''''is fucking due!'''''\ |
| 859 | ''(Leon kicks an explosive barrel towards Mendez)''\ |
| 860 | '''Father Mendez:''' '''''ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?'''''\ |
| 861 | '''Leon:''' Uhhhh, ''hasta luego''.[[note]][real in-game dialogue][[/note]]\ |
| 862 | ''(Leon shoots the explosive barrel)'' |
| 863 | -->--'''Father Mendez's VillainousBreakdown leading up to his boss fight''' |
| 864 | |
| 865 | ->(after the barrel explodes, Mendez comes out of the fire in his OneWingedAngel form)\ |
| 866 | '''Mendez:''' [[EvilSoundsDeep I am no longer asking for your baptism. I am fucking demanding it.]]\ |
| 867 | '''Leon:''' [[OhCrap Oh shit, wrong barrel]].\ |
| 868 | [[BossSubtitles Father Mendez, First of All Apostles]]\ |
| 869 | '''Mendez:''' [[EvilLaugh Hahahahahaha!]] Come, child.\ |
| 870 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Hey, so, uh, welcome to... Hell. This is just Hell. I may be a sinner, but I'm not a quitter. I will keep sinning until I get caught. Hey man, why the long... um... spine? This boss fight is [[RhymesOnADime basically fine]]. It's a little bit, uh... A little bit long. Unlike previous battles, this one is a test of range, which is why the fight breaks down as soon as you step outside of his. Don't worry, because he's the only one having a breakdown.\ |
| 871 | (Mendez separates himself from his legs for phase 2 of his boss fight)\ |
| 872 | '''Mendez:''' Violence is not a sin, Leon. It's a necessity.\ |
| 873 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' My man's kinda... kinda [[HalfTheManHeUsedToBe ripped]]. Kinda [[{{Corpsing}} shredded]]. I'm gonna be real, guys. [[ThatOneAttack I can't dodge this attack]]. I even tried parrying it and [[UnblockableAttack no you can't do that]]. This fight is really in God's hands now. (Leon is out of ammo) Goddamn it I'm out of ammo. So we're here in California circa... [[BattleAmongstTheFlames every summer]]. The devil did not tempt me, I take full credit for my hijinx. Overall, I feel like the ultimate jungle gym fight is pretty horrifying, actually. But considering all the things we've done and all the people we've undone, I'm starting to think that… yeah, we deserve this.\ |
| 874 | (Leon battles Father Mendez to the tune of [[VideoGame/{{Ultrakill}} Tenebre Rosso Sangue]])\ |
| 875 | '''Ashley:''' Leon! Are you okay?!\ |
| 876 | '''Leon:''' I'm a little fucking busy Ashley!\ |
| 877 | (Ashley breaks open a window just as Leon finishes off Mendez)\ |
| 878 | '''Mendez:''' Lord... Sandler... |
| 879 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' having a barn burner with Father Mendez |
| 880 | |
| 881 | !!!Conclusion |
| 882 | |
| 883 | -> '''Ashley:''' L-Leon, how did we get here?\ |
| 884 | '''Leon:''' We walked, Ashley.\ |
| 885 | '''Ashley:''' No, Leon, I mean-\ |
| 886 | '''Leon:''' Wellll, looks like we've got ''no choice'' but to tour this giant castle.\ |
| 887 | '''Ashley:''' I wanna go home...\ |
| 888 | '''Leon:''' Shut up Ashley, I'm having a moment. |
| 889 | |
| 890 | [[/folder]] |
| 891 | |
| 892 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Ultrakill Act 1]] |
| 893 | !![[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKx1oGw0IRM Act 1: Infinite Hyperdeath]] |
| 894 | ->'''Gabriel:''' Machine, you will answer now to the will of God. For I am the righteous hand of the Father.\ |
| 895 | '''V1:''' SWIGGITY SWOOTY\ |
| 896 | '''Gabriel:''' What does that even mean?!\ |
| 897 | '''V1:''' ''I AM INSIDE YOUR WALLS''\ |
| 898 | '''Gabriel:''' You call shooting a coin a martial art? |
| 899 | |
| 900 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' This is ''VideoGame/{{Ultrakill}}.'' It is a game. You can play it. I hope you are not startled by the screaming. Set in the distant future of 2019, we play as the world's first vampiric Nikon programmed with one singular goal: kill Margaret Thatcher. Thus we embark on our journey into the deepest pits of Hell where we can find normal things that make the game very fun. Featuring such polygonal challenges as ''VideoGame/CrashBandicoot'' and, um, [[VideoGame/TheWitness puzzles of color]][[note]][[red:me attempting to kill you with my mind]][[/note]]. The devs are a little bit eccentric. For some backstory, this game is loosely based on a [[Literature/TheDivineComedy 14th century fanfiction]] about God. Therefore, what you're about to see is canon to the Christverse. I will not be accused of blasphemy again. With that being said, the game goes [[NintendoHard harder than diamonds]], and after this video, I hope you will see why. You know, if you can see at all. |
| 901 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]'s introduction to Ultrakill Act 1''' |
| 902 | |
| 903 | !!!Chapter 1: PRELUDE |
| 904 | |
| 905 | -> Hey guys it's me, [=Max0r=]. Welcome back to, um, fucking ''VideoGame/{{Undertale}}.'' So the game begins in a hallway and I do not have permission to use the restroom. When I am lost, I always keep an eye out for my two best buddies. ''[{{Beat}}; V1 picks up the Piercer Revolver]'' Smith & Wesson. |
| 906 | -->--'''[=Max0r's=]''' introduction to the first level, '''0-1: INTO THE FIRE''' |
| 907 | |
| 908 | ->So the game just kind of gets going immediately. I have interrupted elevator music time. This level begins as a tutorial, primarily focused on executing basic mechanics, as well as [[ArmlessBiped the disabled]] (Filth), preferably from a high drop. In this game, explosions and gore are plentiful, but as per my design as a sentient fucking [=GoPro=], my gears must be greased with the blood of the innocent. My power source is [[https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fi.redd.it%2Fkb2m6v60plx91.jpg vampire]] [[{{Corpsing}} piston]]. It is [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance the only thing I know for heal. There will be bloodshed.]] |
| 909 | -->-- '''[=Max0r=] narrating the game's tutorial level and the method through which V1 heals damage''' |
| 910 | |
| 911 | -> Hey there, my fellow girls. Welcome to level two. We have Amazon. Here, you will buy the most important item in the entire game. That's right: the power to throw coins. [[ImprobableAimingSkills Because why aim at enemies when you can aim at a target the size of a fucking coin?]] This shit is amazing. The hit is guaranteed [[{{Hitscan}} regardless of the coin's location]], even if that coin's location is space, or just the inside of an enemy a few times. |
| 912 | -->--'''[=Max0r=] explaining the alt-fire mode for the Marksman revolver''' |
| 913 | |
| 914 | ->Now, as I would soon learn, there is a reason this is a [[BonusLevel Secret Mission]], because now it is able to escape. Oh, it's my [=YouTube=] career… ''[[[HellIsThatNoise creepy breathing]] accompanied with [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer actual audio]]]'' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck I am in… GREAT DANGER.]] Do not google ''Series/DangerForce'' season two [[{{Corpsing}} episode one...]] In this level, we need to find our way through [[WebOriginal/TheBackrooms the Backrooms]] without making too much noise. Because if you can hear [[BeastInTheMaze it]], it has definitely heard you. My favourite part is the persistent darkness and uh- horrifying droning noise as [[StaticScrew it creeps ever closer.]] Really ups the entertainment factor. Now of course, you ''can'' shoot it, but that will only send it back. It is inevitable. [[{{Corpsing}} Do you have any games on your phone?]] [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere Let's just uh... get the fuck out of here]]. I no longer wish to play in the WebVideo/{{Markiplier}} maze. [[Anime/NeonGenesisEvangelion Shinji]], [[Music/SouljaBoy crank that Soulja Boy]]. |
| 915 | -->--[=Max0r's=] narration of '''0-S: SOMETHING WICKED''' |
| 916 | |
| 917 | ->Oh Jesus Christ, it's the Feds! They're here to shoot my dog. This is the [[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason]] enemy, notable for his [[VideoGame/SilentHill2 geometric-style headgear]] and, um, [[ShotgunsAreJustBetter free shotgun]]. [[ArtificialStupidity His AI is a single-celled organism]]. I want you to fucking guess how I fought him.[[note]]COINS[[/note]] Following this, we acquire our next weapon, the Remington Grenade Launcher, which we can use [[AbilityRequiredToProceed to eliminate obstacles to progress]], but that isn't what's important about the shotgun. What is important is, that I can, uh...{{Beat}} (V1 fires a shot and then punches his own bullets) ''[[PunchParry punch the bullets.]]'' |
| 918 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' fighting Swordsmachine to acquire the Shotgun |
| 919 | |
| 920 | !!!Chapter 2: I CAN PUNCH MY BULLETS |
| 921 | |
| 922 | ->You see, ''Ultrakill'' is a game that lets you [[PunchParry parry]] all kinds of attacks, and shotgun shells just so happen to count as a projectile. So, uh, guess what that means? I'm going to mail these pipe bombs with same day shipping. It makes the bullets go faster. I really hope you don't mind, but, uh, I'm gonna use this for the rest of the game. And if [[SensoryAbuse that hurts your eyes]] a little bit too much, don't worry. [[FromBadToWorse It can get worse]]. Upon diligently researching the, uh, larger calibers (Pump Charge), we make the discovery that I can load my shotgun a bit more than necessary. That's right, we've made a suicide vest. I'm going to join my racist uncle in Valhalla. I find this mode very useful for, uh, launching myself into the Minus Dimension. The [[WebVideo/LinusTechTips Linus Dimension]]. (V1 is in a modded level where the walls and floors are all Linus Sebastian's face) Does anyone need some Tech Tips? (a Stray is seen walking in place while The Cyber Grind is playing) [[SarcasmFailure Uhh,]] [[SincerityMode is he okay?]] Oh my god, he's hitting the griddy. |
| 923 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' describing he can punch his own bullets, along with showing off the Shotgun's explosive ammo |
| 924 | |
| 925 | ->'''Cerberus:''' [[MemeticMutation You have UNO.]]\ |
| 926 | '''V1:''' No I don't.\ |
| 927 | '''Cerberus:''' It comes free with your Xbox.\ |
| 928 | '''V1:''' I don't have UNO.\ |
| 929 | '''Cerberus:''' YOU HAVE FUCKING U N O |
| 930 | |
| 931 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Bruh, it's a new Music/{{Pitbull}} to euthanize. I know he has a basketball, but I was not expecting him to dunk that shit. This man is actually balling. He caught me wearing them fake Js. Now, this may not be a long fight,[[note]]I beat this fight in: 0:57[[/note]] but what is there teaches a valuable lesson to the player. The lesson is, um, [[purple: use crack]]. You know, like me whenever I use the computer. Do not, under any circumstances, touch the ground. So after dodging his many dribbles and dunks, we eventually reach [[blue: halftime]], causing [[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Spongebob and the crew]] to [[Recap/SpongeBobSquarePantsS2E15TheSecretBoxBandGeeks enter the arena and sing a song]].[[note]][[[WebAnimation/CartoonBeatboxBattles Thanos Beatboxing]]][[/note]] Oh my god, it's my two favorite basketball players[[note]]We are going to beat you to death[[/note]], [[VideoGame/DarkSoulsI Ornstein and Smough]]. I didn't even know you could play Uno 2v1.\ |
| 932 | '''Cerberus:''' So you DO have fucking Uno!\ |
| 933 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh no, I've put him in his [[TurnsRed red state]]â„¢. He has absorbed the power of Ornstein. Looks like I'm gonna have to use my secret weapon: money. ''(V1 kills the remaining Cerberus with a Ricoshot)'' [[green:PURCHASED]] Never fails. [Distant Soulja Boy] ''(V1 proceeds through the door into Limbo and passes by other Cerberus statues)'' Shinji, I really like how they filled this room up with... (YOU HAVE ''U N O'') more statues. |
| 934 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' plays Uno with Cerberus |
| 935 | |
| 936 | !!!Chapter 3: LIMBO |
| 937 | |
| 938 | ->Oh no, it's worse! I have to do fucking puzzles! "Oh, Max, you should play Ultrakill. I'm sure you'll love all ''26 of the puzzles.''" Here's a puzzle for the game developers: ''[[ImpliedDeathThreat how long until I reach your house?]]'' |
| 939 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' [[SarcasmMode expressing his love for puzzles]] |
| 940 | |
| 941 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Man, what a nice looking rock.\ |
| 942 | '''[[ThatsNoMoon Hideous Mass]]:''' Hey guys!\ |
| 943 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh.\ |
| 944 | '''Hideous Mass:''' What is going on, and welcome to my LetsPlay!\ |
| 945 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh no, [[TakeThat it's fucking handicapped.]]\ |
| 946 | ''[intermission]'' |
| 947 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Welcome, everyone, to the [[Creator/HideoKojima Hideo]]us Mass fight, also known as YourMom. Gottem. Now, I could spend time explaining this boss, but [[OurMonstersAreWeird that requires that I understand it]]. This shit is goddamn incomprehensible. I want to congratulate the devs on the first non-Euclidean enemy. Of course, that is implying that you can see him, because the [[YouWillNotEvadeMe grapple attack]] makes that [[CameraScrew a little difficult]]. Just like doing… literally anything else. So if you do get grappled, get ready to convert, because [[BlasphemousPraise God can't help anymore]]. And because this boss has armor, the only way to damage him is to [[AttackItsWeakPoint hit him in his bell icon]], preferably before he slams that subscribe and smashes that like button.\ |
| 948 | '''Hideous Mass:''' I wanna thank [=NordVPN=] for sponsoring— \ |
| 949 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' God fucking dammit. Kids, please, [[SelfDeprecation never become YouTubers]].\ |
| 950 | '''Hideous Mass:''' Top 10 Moments in Ultrakill. Number one: ''your fucking death''.\ |
| 951 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' I finally understand it now. In order to beat the [=YouTubers=], we have to tap into their only weakness: [[BlackComedy children]]. I’m sorry, but it's the only way. Go-go-gadget [[PaedoHunt allegations]]. |
| 952 | ->['''[[gold:FUCKING DISINTEGRATED]]'''] |
| 953 | ->'''[=Max0r=]''': Jesus Christ! I don't think [[RoleEndingMisdemeanor his channel's gonna recover…]] |
| 954 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' vs. the Hideous Mass |
| 955 | |
| 956 | !!!CLAIR DE LUNE |
| 957 | |
| 958 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh! Hello there, I didn't see you walk in. I was busy, watching… random ''[[BigBrotherIsWatching unprotected security cameras]].'' Welcome to Clair de Lune. [[MoodDissonance Such a calm level. Very peaceful.]] [[ImmediateSelfContradiction Do not knock on the doors.]] I really appreciate the, uh…\ |
| 959 | '''V2:''' [[[DynamicEntry sliding across the floor]]] OH SHIT watch out I'm coming through— [[[TooFastToStop loud crashing noise]]]\ |
| 960 | '''[=Max0r=]''' …[[UnusuallyUninterestingSight the ambience]]. For you see, the church demands a sacrifice, and the only way to appease it is [[FetchQuest to provide to me]] these [[RhymesOnADime bodies three]]. To do this, we have to calmly and meticulously break into ''your house'' and after gathering all three of the balls, we finally unlock the power to… [[DungeonBypass jump through the window]]. [[SarcasmMode Good to see]] that I'm [[AllForNothing using my time wisely]].\ |
| 961 | '''V2:''' OH FUCK here I come! [[[DynamicEntry smashes through the window into the boss room]]]\ |
| 962 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' What the fuck?\ |
| 963 | '''V2:''' [[[FunWithSubtitles the essence]] of [[EvilLaugh comedy]]] I thought it would be obvious, brother! After all, ''[[MirrorBoss I am you,]]'' but ''stronger!'' |
| 964 | -->--Max starting the level. |
| 965 | |
| 966 | ->(the fight is set to ''[[VideoGame/LobotomyCorporation Second Warning]]''.)\ |
| 967 | '''V2:''' You aren't the only one who's out for blood, Brother!\ |
| 968 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Welcome, everyone, to the [[RefugeInAudacity race war]]. It's a little bit fast, you know, just kind of quick. I mean, look at this shit. The fight is so fast, it's editing itself. What side are you on, Bloods or Crips? I will be joining the War on Drugs on the side of the drugs. The gimmick for V2 is that he is completely wacko. He moves like you, shoots like you, and [[WaxingLyrical everything that you can do he can do better. He can do everything better than you.]] Except dodge. Because that would be weird. Needless to say, this fight is very difficult. Mainly because V2 is [[SuperSpeed so fast]], [[ConfusionFu he's goddamn omnipresent]]. Good luck trying to fucking heal, because hitting him up close is a Parkinson's simulation. ''I just want to fucking shoot him.'' Human brains are not fucking built for this. We're supposed to be threshing wheat and dying of smallpox.\ |
| 969 | '''V2:''' Looks like you've gone a little RUSTY, Brother! ''[[FunWithSubtitles [true humor] ]]''\ |
| 970 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' I think that something is wrong with my copy of [[VideoGame/DevilMayCry DMC.]] There's this annoying motherfucker inside of it.\ |
| 971 | '''V2:''' You think you can best ME?! After all that I've-\ |
| 972 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Shut up. Overall though, the beauty of this fight is that it is simple but complicated. Simple in that [[MirrorMatch he has your moveset]], [[ImmediateSelfContradiction but complicated in that he has your moveset]]. Don't worry though, [[WakeUpCallBoss you'll get a lot of practice with him.]] [[TheManyDeathsOfYou Over, and over, and over again.]] The beatings will continue until morale improves.\ |
| 973 | '''V2:''' yyyyYOU'RE JUST A FUCKING NIKKON!\ |
| 974 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Ok I get it. But honestly, that's what makes this fight fun. We choose to kill V2, [[UsefulNotes/JohnFKennedy not because it is easy]] but because he won't stop talking. Now if you'll excuse me I have a [=GoPro=] to throw into the fucking sun. Go go gadget car bomb[[note]]'''V2:''' FUCK![[/note]]\ |
| 975 | [[[gold: '''GOPRO ATOMIZED''']]]\ |
| 976 | '''V2:''' Okay, you know what? [[Film/MontyPythonAndTheHolyGrail I'm gonna call that one a draw]]. [[Characters/PokemonTheSeriesTeamRocketTrio Team Rocket]] is [[ATwinkleInTheSky pissing off again!]]\ |
| 977 | [''V2 leaps away to parts unknown, leaving behind his left arm'']\ |
| 978 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Uh... it looks like he... forgot his arm. I don't know if this is legal in California. |
| 979 | -->--Max meets his mirror match. |
| 980 | |
| 981 | !!!Chapter 4: LUST |
| 982 | |
| 983 | -> So the new arm is a bit funky. A bit... [[{{Corpsing}} monkey]]. It comes with many utilities that you don't want, but what it ''is'' good for is reducing the enemy to their base particles. [[{{ArmCannon}} You better not catch these hands, because now they're chambered for 12-gauge]]. The only downside is that uh... you can't hit your bullets anymore. So honestly, it's fucking dogshit and I'm going to kill my infant son. |
| 984 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' introducing the Knuckleblaster |
| 985 | |
| 986 | -> Here we meet our newest enemy. [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh god, what is that]]. Its main abilities are teleporation and ''[[PerverseSexualLust making me feel a certain way]]''. If only if [[DemonicSpider it wasn't annoying as fuck.]][[note]]fanart depicting V1 shouting [[SuddenlyShouting "GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CYBERGRIND"]] to the Mindflayers[[/note]] And once dispatched she will, uh... ''{{Beat}}'' ''(Mindflayer preparing to explode accompanied with [[VideoGame/GarrysMod Gmod Ragdoll Sound]])'' [[DefeatEqualsExplosion she will explode.]] |
| 987 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' introduces the [[{{Fembot}} Mindflayer]] |
| 988 | |
| 989 | ->[[NoJustNoReaction No. No you can't do this to me.]] I don't- I don't- I don't want to be here. I think now is a good time to mention that you can buy body pillows from the Ultrakill store. She tells you about how you're late for school, and, uh… [[MoodWhiplash the human mind is an evolutionary maladaptation]]. We need to destroy the left wing using facts and logic. Hello everyone, Dennis Prager here. God has told me the age of consent is [[PaedoHunt too high]]. So after we finish debating liberal snowflakes on the internet, we finally decide to… fix the aspect ratio. [[TheAntiNihilist At least one of us has purpose in life]]. [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment By the way]], I’m playing an [[OutOfGenreExperience action game]]? |
| 990 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s reaction to [[DatingSim All-Imperfect Love Song]] |
| 991 | |
| 992 | !!!THE CORPSE KING |
| 993 | |
| 994 | ->'''King Minos:''' Excuse me sir. You're just in time for the event.\ |
| 995 | '''V1:''' What event?\ |
| 996 | '''Minos:''' [[GroinAttack Weiner compression day.]]\ |
| 997 | '''V1:''' What the fuck |
| 998 | |
| 999 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:'''What is up everyone? It's your boy, [[WesternAnimation/ABugsLife Bug's Life]], and today we're going to be living the 5'10 experience. [[{{Kaiju}} King Minos]] is, um, kind of a [[{{Pun}} big]] deal around here. Killing him is going to be a [[{{Pun}} tall]] order. This battle is deceptively simple since his main attack is literally just [[MegatonPunch punching you]]. These hands have graduated from hitbox to hit tesseract. But that isn't all. Call right now and I will find you. Turns out Minos can summon ThePowerOfTheVoid which, upon contact reduces your HPTo1. Yo, hold up, did my man just give me AIDS? [[VideoGame/DoomEternal The longer the Icon of Sin is on Earth, the stronger he will become]].[[note]][[ImageMacro HE WILL BE CUM]][[/note]] Of course this is all before the parasites begin shooting at you because there are just too few things in this fight and not enough of them [[NightmareFuel/{{Ultrakill}} give me nightmares]].\ |
| 1000 | '''Minos:''' I think your cells are a bit too far apart. [[SquashedFlat How 'bout I fix that for you?]]\ |
| 1001 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' This is the kind of game where at every possible turn I have said to myself, "Wouldn't it be cool IF?" and the answer is always yes. So when I tell you that you can [[PunchParry parry]] this man. It's basically the rule instead of the exception. It's basically the coolest thing you can do in a video game[[note]]No I will not watch my tone[[/note]]. It makes me feel like an [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact anime]] [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance protagonist]]. Game devs, take notes. This is how you send the fun ceiling to the fucking stratosphere, and also myself. I know it's a good boss when it has a space program. In summary, [[AwesomeBosses/VideoGames you have to try to make this fight boring, and even then you might not succeed]]. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a dead horse to beat and his name is Minos. |
| 1002 | ->('''[[gold: ELDEN RING JOKE.]]''' a door opens up, allowing V1 to proceed further down) |
| 1003 | ->Oh no, I don't think I like [[WombLevel where this]] [[BloodyBowelsOfHell is going]]. |
| 1004 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' summing up the Corpse of King Minos battle |
| 1005 | |
| 1006 | !!!THE POWER OF AN ANGEL |
| 1007 | |
| 1008 | ->'''Gabriel:''' Machine...\ |
| 1009 | '''V1:''' What? \ |
| 1010 | '''Gabriel:''' Turn back, now.\ |
| 1011 | '''V1:''' I think I'm getting a Zoom call from God.\ |
| 1012 | '''Gabriel:''' For what purpose do you trample upon this Palace, Machine?\ |
| 1013 | '''V1:''' I mean...Why do you?\ |
| 1014 | '''Gabriel:''' To question God is ''heresy'', Machine. But for your information, I am driving the corpse of King Minos [[SophisticatedAsHell like a fucking Mazda]].\ |
| 1015 | '''V1:''' [[Memes/OnePunchMan ok]]\ |
| 1016 | '''Gabriel:''' It appears that your choice is made. As the righteous hand of The Father, I will beat you back into silicon.\ |
| 1017 | '''V1:''' I think someone has [[ParentalIssues DADDY ISSUES]].\ |
| 1018 | '''Gabriel:''' [[SuddenlyShouting I DO]] '''[[SuddenlyShouting NOT]]''' [[SuddenlyShouting HAVE DADDY ISSUES!]] ''I AM PAPA'S SPECIAL [[PrecisionFStrike FUCKING]]'' '''''BOY!''''' |
| 1019 | |
| 1020 | ->'''Gabriel:''' I'll write a Bible story in your blood, Machine!\ |
| 1021 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Welcome, everyone, to Bible Study Time. We're learning about stoning. The important lesson about fighting Gabriel is you can't fight on his terms. In fact, don't fight him at all. Uninstall the game. [[LightningBruiser This angel is faster than you, hits harder than you, teleports behind you]], and is overall [[ThatOneBoss a massive sweat machine]]. [[TerriblePickupLines I wonder if it hurt when he fell from Heaven]].\ |
| 1022 | '''Gabriel:''' YES! Yes it fucking did!\ |
| 1023 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' It is very important to understand that Gabriel isn't an ''Ultrakill'' boss, he's [[VideoGame/MetalGearRisingRevengeance Senator]] [[ActorAllusion Armstrong]]. Pure aggression is not gonna cut it this time. We need to use patience, and also [[AndShowItToYou open heart surgery]]. This means that learning his attack patterns is key, and so is abusing [[MercyInvincibility i-frames]] like a drunken step-dad. This copy of ''VideoGame/EldenRing'' is fucking weird. You may notice it's difficult to keep my camera on him. That is because this fight is psychotic. Every combo can be dodged - if you're good at the game. But as for me, Gabriel beat my ass so hard that I saw Jesus, and he was hitting the cleanest griddy I'd ever seen.\ |
| 1024 | '''Gabriel:''' YOU aren't even circumcised, MACHINE!\ |
| 1025 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Excuse me? And if that wasn't enough for you, Gabriel has an entire second phase where he delivers God's judgment through the barrel of a gun. If you thought this fight was fast, then you haven't seen shit. I want to introduce my new OC, VideoGame/ShadowTheHedgehog.\ |
| 1026 | '''Gabriel:''' You are CRINGE, Machine! YOU are not POG CHAMP!\ |
| 1027 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' What are you fucking saying? Overall though, this fight really makes you feel like you're fighting an angel, [[BlasphemousPraise because this shit is an act of God.]] But personally [[Literature/ParadiseLost I think it's better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven]]. Plus I already have a god and his name is money. (V1 finishes the fight with a Ricoshot with the Piercer Revolver)\ |
| 1028 | ['''[[gold:ANGEL FELLED]]'''] |
| 1029 | -->--'''[=Max0r=] narrating the Gabriel battle''' |
| 1030 | |
| 1031 | !!!FINALE |
| 1032 | ->'''Gabriel:''' ...How can this be? Bested by this... This, [=GoPro=].[[note]]SPONSOR ME[[/note]]\ |
| 1033 | '''V1:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint I'm actually a Nikon.]]\ |
| 1034 | '''Gabriel:''' You insignificant '''[[PrecisionFStrike FUCK!]]''' [[WeWillMeetAgain THIS IS]] ''[[WeWillMeetAgain NOT. O-]]'' (''Gabriel teleports away, allowing V1 to continue onwards to Greed.'') May your L's be many and your bitches few.\ |
| 1035 | (''Gabriel is brought before the Council.'')\ |
| 1036 | '''Council 1:''' Has this one abandoned The Creator?\ |
| 1037 | '''Council 2:''' HERESY!\ |
| 1038 | '''Council 3:''' It is unworthy of the Holy Light.\ |
| 1039 | '''High Council:''' Gabriel. You stand accused of losing. To a fucking camera.\ |
| 1040 | '''Gabriel:''' But council. My devotion is absolute! The MACHINE was--\ |
| 1041 | '''High Council:''' Enough. [[RaceAgainstTheClock You have 24 hours]] before The Father's light leaves your body. And then, you will die. A husk. A ''thing.'' I suggest that you prove your faith. Do you understand?\ |
| 1042 | '''Gabriel:''' Yes, Council.\ |
| 1043 | '''High Council:''' Good.\ |
| 1044 | (''Gabriel lets out a bloodcurdling scream of agony as the Light is torn from his body.'') |
| 1045 | -->--'''Gabriel's meeting with the Council and the end of ACT 1''' |
| 1046 | [[/folder]] |
| 1047 | |
| 1048 | [[folder:An Incorrect Summary of Ultrakill Act 2]] |
| 1049 | !![[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WihFgw7ufjA Act 2: Imperfect Hatred]] |
| 1050 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[BlatantLies This video is uhh... really normal, I swear.]] [[JumpScare (Gabriel screams unexpectedly as the video starts.)]] |
| 1051 | |
| 1052 | ->'''Gabriel:''' Limbo, Lust, all gone. With Gluttony soon to follow. Your kind know nothing but hunger, purged all life on the upper layers, and yet they remain unsatiated. As do you. You've taken everything from me, Machine. And now, all that remains, is perfect hatred.\ |
| 1053 | '''V1:''' [[GeniusBonus 10011010011]].[[labelnote:translation:]][[MoodKiller "k"]][[/labelnote]]\ |
| 1054 | '''Gabriel:''' I'm trying to have a moment. |
| 1055 | |
| 1056 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' Hey there, everyone. '''It's me'''[[note]][[WebVideo/MrBeast Mr. Prey be like I Burned Down Over 20 Million Trees]][[/note]], your favourite ''True Crime Content Creator''. Back at it again with a ''[[{{corpsing}} NEW CRAZY PRANK]]''. I'm gonna keep this one brief, since this video is uhh- [''[[SensoryAbuse static accompanied by eldritch visuals]]''] ''ULTRAKILL''. If you haven't played it, thats gr8. Watch my videos. I think it's the[[note]]excuse me[[/note]]... BEST GAME EVER MADE? Y'know, most games nowadays kind of look like- [''gameplay of ''Elden Ring'' is shown''] "It's so beautiful... [[{{corpsing}} I have to]] [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact ROLL THE GACHA]]." ''ULTRAKILL'' doesn't do that. Instead, we get, fucking, '''INSANE DEVELOPERS'''. Welcome to the game where [[red: BLOOD IS FUEL]], [[red: HELL IS FULL]], and a Fumo DESTROYS THE EARTH. It's uhh[[note]]MAURICE[[/note]]- definitely an [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventureGoldenWind experience]]. Do you ever look up at the pyramids and think[[note]]💀 I FUCKING LOVE BASS PRO SHOPS![[/note]], "that would be a crazy slide?" Do you feel bad about missing out on the Titanic[[note]]TITENIC[[/note]]? Or are you a simple man who wants to FISH [[{{corpsing}} PEACEFULLY]]? If so, then uhh... I guess this game counts[[note]]'''WHAT THE FUCK'''[[/note]]. And uhh... I'm going to spread misinformation about it[[note]][[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Me purposefully spreading misinformation on the internet]][[/note]]. You know, I think there's a reason this takes place in '''HELL''', but I can't exactly put my finger on it. My goofy ass actually bought this game like, "Yeah, I'm ready for some NORMAL GAMES." |
| 1057 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]'s introduction to Ultrakill Act 2''' |
| 1058 | |
| 1059 | !!!P-1 |
| 1060 | ->"Surprise, [[LastSecondWordSwap mitch]]! Welcome back to Act 1. I'm starting this review with time travel. Basically, I was browsing the internet a few seconds ago when I happened upon arcane information. You know, [[WikiVandal after I changed the wiki page]]. As it turns out, King Minos is not a rich man. I think it's a bad idea to spend your entire city budget[[note]]American cities trying to speedrun wasting the most fucking money possible[[/note]] on bisexual lighting. This presents a problem for us because, uh... (the Corpse of King Minos falls down dead) I can't really ask him to pay, so if I can't charge his body, then goddamn it I'm going to charge his soul. [[IntimidatingRevenueService Nobody escapes the wrath of the IRS]]. That is where this level comes in, or rather, all of them. (V1 shoots at the P Door) This door represents every level, and if you don't complete them perfectly, then it doesn't open. Trust me, [[NoFairCheating I tried to noclip it and was cast into the void]]. That means no mistakes, [[{{Speedrun}} no time]], no checkpoints[[note]]Czechpoints[[/note]], we're using the video game alphabet. Because every copy of this game is personalized, we've got a lot of levels to beat. (V1 spawns several Hideous Masses in the Practice Room) I'm sure this is what Hakita wanted." |
| 1061 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' describing what's needed to get through the P Door in Act 1 |
| 1062 | |
| 1063 | ->(the following montage is set to [[VideoGame/Yakuza4 Receive and Bite You]]\ |
| 1064 | '''I HAD TO DO EVERY SINGLE LEVEL AGAIN'''\ |
| 1065 | '''[[WesternAnimation/JusticeLeagueTheFlashpointParadox Prof. Zoom]]:''' It was me, Barry. I'm the one who posted the Moai emoji.\ |
| 1066 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' This level (1-3) has a cool speedrun strat called... soap??? Better watch out, [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact Genshin]] players. ''(V1 hits the Hideous Mass with the Soap for a OneHitKO. The game continues up to the V2 fight)''\ |
| 1067 | '''V2:''' [[red:I thought it would be obvious, Brother!]]\ |
| 1068 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[AnythingButThat Please anything but this]]. It's making my synapses look like a rave.\ |
| 1069 | (after the battle, he continues into '''2-1: Bridgeburner''')\ |
| 1070 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' I'm gonna abbreviate [[VideoGame/Cyberpunk2077 Cyberpunk]]. [[MistakenForPedophile Biggest mistake of my life]].[[note]]Dear [[Anime/CyberpunkEdgerunners Edgerunners]]; don't abbreviate "Cyberpunk 2077" as "CP." Have a pleasant evening.[[/note]] Rake the leaves up, samurai.\ |
| 1071 | (during the battle against the Corpse of King Minos, a clip of "[[Recap/SpongeBobSquarePantsS3E3TheBullyJustOneBite How many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man]]?" is played. V1 then continues on until encountering Gabriel)\ |
| 1072 | '''Gabriel:''' [[red: I do NOT have daddy issues!]]\ |
| 1073 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Oh shit it's this guy again. ([[red:Gabrielish Screaming]]) I'm gonna send you ''[[red: BACK TO GOD]]''. Hey, can you make change for this? (V1 hits him with a Ricoshot before finishing him off)\ |
| 1074 | '''Gabriel:''' [[ThisCannotBe How can this be...]]?\ |
| 1075 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Shut up. (the P Door finally opens) This was not worth it. I say to my... bitcoin assassin. |
| 1076 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]'s''' trials and tribulations in opening the Act 1 P Door |
| 1077 | |
| 1078 | ->WHAT ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH IS THAT- [{{Beat}}][[note]]'''[[red: I FUCKING hate geometry!]]'''[[/note]] ''[[UncommonTime THIS MUSIC'S TIME SIGNATURE]] [[red: IS FUCKED]]''. Welcome to [[Creator/HPLovecraft H.P.]] VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}. The fucker's using [[{{Corpsing}} Creative Mode]][[note]]HMMMM I WONDER EHAT I SHOULD NAME MY CAT[[/note]]. The boss is here to [[CurbStompBattle teach your]] '''[[CurbStompBattle Limbs]]''' [[CurbStompBattle how to file RESTRAINING ORDERS]], and to do that '''He's got''' '''[[BulletHell A LOT OF SHIT TO DODGE]]'''. I like to call it [[Franchise/TouhouProject Touhou's]] [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventure Bizarre Adventure]]. Now his attacks might not seem that bad, until you have to dodge all of them at once. I don't know what those things (the eyeballs) are doing, but, uh... (the eyeballs are healing the boss) '''[[{{Corpsing}} OH IT'S WORSE]]'''. So on top of summoning 9 billion eyeballs, the fucker [[red: USES THEM TO HEAL]]. [[{{Corpsing}} Oh my god, he's fucking doing it. No!]] I hope you're a good shot, because I'm certainly not (:. To beat the boss, we need to [[ShootTheMedicFirst target the healthcare system]], just like [[UsefulNotes/RonaldReagan RONALD REAGAN]]. Preferrably using '''HEAVY ORDINANCE'''. This guy's looking like a, uh, looking like a '''[[LameComeback S Q U A R E]]'''. I really wasn't expecting to fight the [[UsefulNotes/{{Mecca}} Kaaba]] [[{{Corpsing}} today]]. Oh my God, I'm '''speedrunning a migraine'''. I almost forgot that I was in Hell[[note]]My child will take his prescribed Antipsychotics for his schizophrenia[[/note]]. Flesh is not supposed to be hard, unless I'm reading a certain something[[note]]'''[[Videogame/GenshinImpact Mona]]:''' I want to have segs... segs with with [=Max0r=][[/note]]. [[VideoGame/GenshinImpact I'm really into this game for the]] [[BlatantLies good story]][[note]]GENSHIN PLAYERS BE LIKE THE GIRLS ARE CUTE THO[[/note]]. So his attacks are '''PLENTIFUL''', so thankfully we can overcome this boss by using this cool new secret called [[TrialAndErrorGameplay trial and error]]. Tell your friends about it. And even though this geometry[[note]]'''CUBE'''[[/note]] could be "a little hard", our journey has definitely prepped us. Now if you'll excuse me, [[BoomHeadshot I'll be introducing his skull to the concept of a circle]][[note]]"License and registration, please."[[/note]].\ |
| 1079 | '''([[gold:MINE CRAFTED]])'''\ |
| 1080 | He didn't take it very well. |
| 1081 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s battle against the Flesh Prison |
| 1082 | |
| 1083 | !!!Chapter 1: JUDGEMENT |
| 1084 | ->'''[[LetsPlay/TheRussianBadger Minos Prime]]:''' Ah, free at last...\ |
| 1085 | '''V1:''' Hey I'm here for the uh, outstanding balance?\ |
| 1086 | '''Minos Prime:''' I spent all of it on [[red: PERCS]].\ |
| 1087 | '''V1:''' [{{Beat}}] [[FlatWhat What?]]\ |
| 1088 | '''Minos Prime:''' My blood is a controlled substance in 39 states.[[note]]GOTTA GET MY PERCS![[/note]]\ |
| 1089 | '''V1:''' excuse me\ |
| 1090 | '''Minos Prime:''' I have personally killed 12 TRILLION people.\ |
| 1091 | '''V1:''' That doesn't sound very fun.\ |
| 1092 | '''Minos Prime:''' [[EvilLaugh [Real life comedy] ]] [[red: On the]] [[PreMortemOneLiner fucking contrary.]] |
| 1093 | |
| 1094 | ->(the battle is set to [[VideoGame/YakuzaLikeADragon War Maker]])\ |
| 1095 | '''Minos Prime:''' I maxed out 9 credit cards [[red: FOR MY FUCKIN' PERCS]].\ |
| 1096 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' Hey guys, [=Max0r=] here, back from the Secret Government Beef Minesâ„¢. I was trying to drink the airport [[{{Corpsing}} jungle juice]], and today we're going to be fighting the only boss entirely accessible in ''VideoGame/GarrysMod''. This was a deliberate choice by the publishers to include [[=DLC=]]. Isn't nature just [[{{Spoonerism}} jamestic]][[red:???]] Minos Prime is [[{{Understatement}} not an easy boss]]. You're going to be familiar with all of his attacks because [[CallingYourAttacks he will not stop screaming them]]. Moves such as "[[cinnamon: Judgment]]," "[[blue: Die]]," "[[purple: Thy end is NOW]]," "[[VideoGame/GenshinImpact I will have Order.]]" These attacks will bookend your obituary, and [[FlashStep they'll do it really fucking fast.]] And yes, that is why the video looks bad. This game is no longer a first person shooter. It's [[VideoGame/EldenRing Malenia]], Blade of Michelin.\ |
| 1097 | '''Minos Prime:''' You know how to parry, don't you?\ |
| 1098 | '''V1:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Uhhhh...maybe]]?\ |
| 1099 | '''Minos Prime:''' [[EvilLaugh [The Divine Comedy]]], [[{{Superboss}} time to learn]].\ |
| 1100 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' This is the first boss ever designed to be fought in your peripheral vision. I played this at grandpa's funeral and he started beating the shit out of a toaster. P-Ranking the game wasn't a test, [[ThisIsGonnaSuck it was]] a [[BrutalBonusLevel warning]]. So if I were to give advice, it would be to listen. This little shit is hard, and you're going to die a little bit. However, there isn't a single move you can't counter. Not to mention he announces them -- quite loudly. (''V1 gets pummeled hard by Minos Prime'')[[note]][[[DeathCryEcho Tyler1 scream]]][[/note]] Jesus Christ. So if he seems difficult, that is a skill issue, one that makes your camera look like it's in the washing machine. Ultimately, Minos is a noble soul, and he's going to give you a [[HonorableWarriorsDeath noble death]]. What you do in between is up to you. But there was a crime I was willing to forgive, it would definitely be public embezzlement.[[note]]Minos embezzling the entire budget of Night City in the form of Bisexual lighting so he can afford his Percs[[/note]] In fact, it isn't a crime at all, it's an obligation. So, how's about I, uh, help him with his [[red: investments]]?\ |
| 1101 | ('''[[red:PRIME SLAIN]]''')\ |
| 1102 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[red: Murder is an obligation, too.]] |
| 1103 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' going into the trials and tribulations of fighting Minos Prime |
| 1104 | |
| 1105 | ->'''Minos Prime:''' Forgive me, my people. For I have failed you. Creature of steel. You have shown me the error of my ways.\ |
| 1106 | '''V1:''' What...really?\ |
| 1107 | '''Minos Prime:''' [[HaHaHaNo [Total Comedy Island]]], [[red:OF COURSE NOT]]. You can pry my prescription from my cold dead hands, BITCH. I'LL TAKE MY CRYPTO [[red:TO THE AFTERLIFE IF I HAVE TO-]] |
| 1108 | -->--Minos Prime after [=Max0r=] finally defeats him |
| 1109 | |
| 1110 | ->"Well that was normal. Almost as normal as his, uh... (''V1 continues onwards and finds Minos Prime's terminal contains [[Characters/HololiveJapanGenerationFour a clip of Tsunomaki Watame]])'' "entertainment." And all it took was, uh... (''the final tally of restarts to defeat Minos Prime was 18'') [[{{Understatement}} a few tries.]]" |
| 1111 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' describing what's on Minos Prime's terminal |
| 1112 | |
| 1113 | !!!Chapter 2: GREED |
| 1114 | ->Hey guys, welcome back to... (''V1 sees a pyramid in the distance'') [[ShiftingSandLand Egypt]]. We're here to find fucking [[Manga/JoJosBizarreAdventureStardustCrusaders DIO]]. This level represents a great increase in need since apparently the Sun exists. [[BasementDweller This is news to me]]. We're here with the Stardust Crusaders to uncover the secret past of the Bass Pro Shops pyramid. And one of those secrets looks kind of, uh... (''V1 meets the first Virtue of the game'') What is it doing? Looks kinda bright. I want to introduce you to [[SarcasmMode my favorite enemy]], the light of Allah. Your location is irrelevant, and so is theirs. No matter where you are, no matter what you're doing, it will find you and it will give you [[EyeScream Discord Light Theme]]. Oh my god, it's a sex offender summoning circle. Do not t... tell Twitter. (V1 sees a Dual Wield powerup) Hang on, I think this is... (''V1 picks it up and now has two Marksman guns'')[[note]][[WebAnimation/PhaseConnect Pipkin Pippa's voice:]]'''''I'M GONNA FUCKING SHOOT UP A WAL-MAAAAART!!!'''''[[/note]] Holy shit it is. This is the best game ever made. I fucking love Coinstar. |
| 1115 | ->('''[[gold:I CAN FUCKING DUAL WIELD]]''') |
| 1116 | ->(''clips are shown of V1 killing demons with Dual Wield guns'') I'm going to teach you motherfuckers a Smith & Lesson. This is just like my favorite movie, "[[WesternAnimation/ThePrinceOfEgypt Bible]] Franchise/{{Shrek}}." Ramses, let my people in. |
| 1117 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''''s Egyptian tour in '''4-1: SLAVES TO POWER''' |
| 1118 | |
| 1119 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' NO NO NO IT CAN'T BE. ''(V1 stares upon the ruins of [[RuinsOfTheModernAge the Statue of Liberty and Big Ben]])'' The British are real![[note]]It's the Timey Whimey Bing Bong/[[red:DO YOU HAVE A LICENSE FOR THAT]][[/note]] The game wants you to make a bridge so just, uh, do a [[AdvancedMovementTechnique slam storage long jump]]. If you do it wrong, you'll ascend to Heaven? Wait, so what happens if I pick up [[SerialEscalation two of them]]? ''(V1 picks up a second Dual Wield and [[MultiArmedAndDangerous a third gun]] appears)'' [[EvilLaugh [Maniacal Laughter]]] I'm not sure if it works like that! Nobody helps me do the dishes in this fucking house. So that means if I get another one, then... ''(V1 picks up a third Dual Wield and has [[MoreDakka four guns]])'' YEP. Jesus Christ, I can't hear anything! So we finish playing "[[WesternAnimation/SpongeBobSquarePants Squidward Mode]]" and instead move onto more enriching activities such as... [[DroneOfDread hurricane siren]]. Fuck I need that to sleep. This boss just has a rock and apparently a [[EpicFlail flexible schedule]]. This ''VideoGame/{{Rust}}'' server fucking sucks. His main attacks are jumping and beating you with a [[red: rock]].[[note]]Can you draw her beating me with a rock[[/note]] You know, like a monkey. Me when I see an Ableist online (I am a Cainist). So this fight is weird, but don't worry. He doesnt have to stay there. You might be able to run away... [[red: TEMPORARILY]]. So uh... jump height scales with distance. ''(V1 is hiding indoors)'' [[OhCrap Oh God]]... [[evil: He's coming]]. My Brother in ''Christ'' this is the spawn! Jesus, that's the actual noise he's making. Oh God there's a Palestinian in the elevator. [[FalseReassurance Yeah this seems pretty normal to me]]. [[TemptingFate I think he's gone]].\ |
| 1120 | '''Sisyphean:''' (outside) Oh machine... are you HIDING FROM ME?\ |
| 1121 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' So yeah it's a pretty cool boss I guess. I love playing [[VideoGame/FiveNightsAtFreddys Five Evenings at Freedrick's]].\ |
| 1122 | ''(V1 fights against the Sisyphean Insurrectionist, finally killing him)''\ |
| 1123 | ('''[[gold:CAN YOU DO A VIDEO OF YOU KILLING PEOPLE WITH A ROCK]]''') |
| 1124 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' nearly getting beaten to death by a rock in '''4-2: GOD DAMN THE SUN''' |
| 1125 | |
| 1126 | !!!CLAIR DE SOLEIL |
| 1127 | ->'''V2:''' Hello, Brother.\ |
| 1128 | '''V1:''' [[ThisIsGonnaSuck Oh, fuck]].\ |
| 1129 | '''V2:''' I believe you have something of mine. Something VERY important.\ |
| 1130 | '''V1:''' Can you please speak like a normal person?\ |
| 1131 | '''V2:''' [[[VisualPun STAND UP]] COMEDY] How's about this for a trade? [[PreAssKickingOneLiner I beat you into a]] ''[[PreAssKickingOneLiner fucking pulp]]'', '''''[[PreAssKickingOneLiner and you give me my arm back]]'''''. |
| 1132 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' and '''V2's''' conversation before the latter's second boss fight of the game. |
| 1133 | |
| 1134 | ->(the battle is set to [[VideoGame/YakuzaLikeADragon Receive You - The Hyperactive]])\ |
| 1135 | '''V2:''' This one will cost you {{an arm and a leg}}, Brother!\ |
| 1136 | [{{Beat}}]\ |
| 1137 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' "Oh my God... [[MirrorBoss He's LITERALLY Me! We're so much alike]] [[note]]*pisses quarters*[[/note]]." Welcome to the [[SensoryAbuse most psychotic shit in a video game.]] I've said it before and will say it again. This fight is not made for humans, you know, like my videos. We're supposed to be [[BoulderBludgeon killing each other with rocks]]. I quit using meth for good. [[BaitAndSwitch Now I use it for evil]].[[note]]Dear Federal Agents. Bottom Text.[[/note]] This fight is similar to last time, except much worse. Now he moves as fast as me[[note]]Do you have any games on ur phone[[/note]], if I was good at the game. Thankfully, I am not. This shit is like speedrunning carpal tunnel.\ |
| 1138 | '''V2:''' [[NoIndoorVoice WHAT'S THE MATTER, BROTHER? DOES YOUR ARM HURT?]] '''[[NoIndoorVoice BECAUSE I CAN FIX THAT!]]'''\ |
| 1139 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' It is a challenge to look at V2's direction, let alone shoot him. Thankfully for those of us who can't aim, [[TemptingFate there is a solution-]] (V1 tries to use the Marksman coins, [[BeatThemAtTheirOwnGame only for V2 to shoot them back at him]]) Oh you [[CurseCutShort motherfu]]--! THAT'S RIGHT. If you aren't fast enough[[note]]POV: You're about to be oppressed simply for being a drunk driver[[/note]], he shoots your coins for you. And what's worse[[note]]*shits nickels*[[/note]], he can toss them too, meaning half the battle is a slap fight with nickels. I came here to play a shooter, not a fucking constellation. This shit is like a [[BigBallOfViolence cartoon battle in a dust]] [[{{corpsing}} cloud]]. And if that wasn't fast enough for you, don't worry.[[note]]'''Don't Worreigh!'''[[/note]] You can [[BerserkButton enrage V2]] at any time by [[StopHittingYourself punching him with his own arm]].\ |
| 1140 | '''V2:''' '''''[[VillainousBreakdown YOU MOTHERFUCKER!]]'''''\ |
| 1141 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' He loves it when you do that ('''V2:''' '''''I'LL TEAR YOU LIMB FROM LIMB!!'''''). ULTIMATELY, V2 could be easy, or he could be hard. Easy in that he's limited by your moveset, but hard in that he's ''only'' limited by your moveset. We've learned so much during our journey[[note]]GOTTA GET MY PERCS![[/note]], and unfortunately, so has he. But we have grown in the one way V2 never could: EMOTIONALLY ('''V2:''' '''''I'LLFUCKINGKILLYOU-''''')! So, how's about we teach him how to cope with FAILURE[[note]]:([[/note]], The Old Fashioned Way? |
| 1142 | -->--[=Max0r=]'s guide for defeating V2. |
| 1143 | |
| 1144 | ->'''V2:''' [[ScrewThisImOuttaHere I WON'T GIVE YOU THE PLEASURE OF KILLING ME]]!\ |
| 1145 | '''V1:''' [[TranquilFury You get back here right this FUCKING INSTANT]].\ |
| 1146 | (''V2 busts out of the pyramid trying to escape from V1'')\ |
| 1147 | '''V2:''' Gotta get away! Gotta get away! Gah--! Oh no! (''V2 looks behind him and sees V1's perfect [[VideoGame/GuiltyGearStrive Jack-O' pose]]'') YOUR FORM IS INCREDIBLE!\ |
| 1148 | (''V1 lands gracefully while V2 falls screaming to his death'')\ |
| 1149 | '''V2:''' [[ProfaneLastWords FUCKING NIKKOOOOOONNN]]!!\ |
| 1150 | (''V2 splatters all over the ground'')\ |
| 1151 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' [[{{Corpsing}} is he ok]]??\ |
| 1152 | ('''[[gold:CHILD EXECUTED]]''') |
| 1153 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' detailing the final moments of V2's life |
| 1154 | |
| 1155 | !!!CRASH BANDICOOT |
| 1156 | ->You thought I would skip this, didn't you? No, I was merely waiting for night time. You know, like ''[[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsVSkyrim Skyrim]]''? I'm a big fan of the [[red: horror]] gameplay. (Sisyphean Insurrectionist drops down before V1) C'mere buddy. (Sisyphean jumps down again) [[blue: There he is.]] Make sure to walk your dog everyday. (Sisyphean Insurrectionist [[JumpScare throws rock at V1]]) Now I'm free to do all kinds of things like gazing upon [[red:The False Sun]], climb upon the Eiffel Tower. This is the texture. And, um, trapping my dog in Hell. (Sisyphean is stuck in a running loop) [[red: His sins are yet to be forgiven.]] I think it's best if we leave him to it. (V1 takes the secret exit out of the level. The gameplay turns from first-person shooter to third-person platformer) Nevermind. This is not good. Hey guys, welcome to my new and original game. I'm *[[{{Corpsing}} Begins mental breakdown]]* I'm finding it a bit of an adjustment. I mean what do you want me to say? It's literally just [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot Hash Browndicoot]]. The wrath of God is pretty new, though. They even have my [[SarcasmMode favorite character]]: [[CameraScrew bad depth perception.]][[note]]Rats when they see an unattended [=McDonalds=] deep frier[[/note]] Gee I wonder what this section's gonna be like? ([[IndyEscape V1 gets chased by a boulder-sized Malicious Face]]) Oh God it's the Funny Rock again.[[note]]Maurice[[/note]] Stop posting about the Rock. (V1 dunks a Maurice into a basketball hoop) I'm tired of seeing it. [[Memes/VeggieTales In the future, all humor will be randomly generated.]] So yeah, this part is actually really good. I haven't played something like this since... ''[[VideoGame/Uncharted4AThiefsEnd Uncharted 4]]''? "Hey guys, it's me, [[red:Nathan Drake]], and uh... [[ProductPlacement Subway]]."[[note]]Yuji Naka attempting to escape Japanese Prison by sliding through a series of steep city streets.[[/note]] I think it's best if we kind of, you know, move on? The Simulation is beginning to break down. |
| 1157 | -->'''[=Max0r=]''' breaking boxes in '''4-S: CLASH OF THE BRANDICOOT''' |
| 1158 | |
| 1159 | !!!Chapter 3: WRATH |
| 1160 | ->So you guys remember V2, right? I know, it's been a long time. Well, he really gave us a hand... again. This is the grappling hook, and it's really good at bypassing the entire game. It's also quite simple: you either catch the fish, or the fish catches you. It can lead to some... odd results? |
| 1161 | -->'''[=Max0r=]''' summarizing the mechanics of the Whiplash |
| 1162 | |
| 1163 | ->'''[=Max0r=]:''' I think now's a good time to mention that uhh... [[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer this game has official]] '''[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer BUT&(!<& SUPPORT]]'''.[[note]]Buttplug support[[/note]] [[{{Corpsing}} It vibrates in response to damage.]]\ |
| 1164 | '''Gabriel:''' Machine, the developers put out a patch. [[{{Corpsing}} I'm in your prostate now.]] |
| 1165 | |
| 1166 | ->So we decide to board the all expenses paid cruise to Ohio, and that pisses off the guy with a [[FunnySpoon Comically Large Spoon]]. The same guy that [[CoinsForTheDead you can pay]] to [[SkippableBoss skip the boss fight]]. "[[BegoneBribe I'll give you three quarters]] to [[Series/TrailerParkBoys fuck off]]".\ |
| 1167 | As we can see, [[Creator/AndrewBachelor King Bach]] has presented a rather large spoon to his friend. This shit is like if [[VideoGame/{{Bloodborne}} Gehrman]] wanted ice cream, but you told him that he'd only have a spoonful.[[note]]Good hunter, can I have some ice cream?[[/note]]\ |
| 1168 | No, but seriously, this boss is [[green:very simple]], [[SpeedBlitz when you can actually see him]].[[note]]COME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE WALK OUTSIDE[[/note]] It's pretty much just a matter of dodging his [[CallingYourAttacks very patient attacks]]. It's a real shame [[InTheHood he's a member]] of the UsefulNotes/KuKluxKlan.\ |
| 1169 | So after four seconds of very adverse weather, I finally decide to kill a man the only way I know how: [[LudicrousGibs fucking spaghettification]].\ |
| 1170 | ''([=Max0r=] shoots the Ferryman with the Screwdriver Railcannon, leaving the latter to spaz in place before ragdolling himself into the sea)''\ |
| 1171 | What the fuck?! [[GoodBadBugs Oh my god, that's how he dies]]! [[pink:ok by,e]]. [[Anime/PokemonTheSeries Team Rocket]] is [[ATwinkleInTheSky blasting]] off [[{{corpsing}} again]]. |
| 1172 | -->'''[=Max0r=]''' pays the toll in '''5-2: WAVES OF THE STARLESS SEA''' |
| 1173 | |
| 1174 | !!!SEAWORLD OHIO |
| 1175 | ->(the floor of the level is immediately flooded) That's not a good sign. So welcome back to the water level. On today's episode, visiting Spongebob. This really is the rock bottom experience. This isn't the trip I asked for, but, uh... (the silhouette of the Leviathan is seen in the distance) it's about to get a lot more eventful. (V1 is brought back up to the surface onto a single wooden platform to fight the Leviathan) After all this time, I finally made it. Sea World Ohio. (clips of V1 fighting the Leviathan are shown) |
| 1176 | ->Welcome to the Bass Pro Shops final boss. Shamu hasn't been the same since he tried crack.[[note]]"I'm not addicted to water bro, I just need my fix."[[/note]] Top 10 episodes of ''Series/RiverMonsters''. [[ClickbaitGag Number 3 will surprise you]]. [[NonSequitur Honey would you still love me if I was a worm]]? I bet you're wondering right about now, how does the game balance such a massive fight? Well, it does not. There are two different ways to play this boss, and one of them is the wrong way. For instance, you could [[BoringButPractical stay on the platform]], dodge his attacks, shoot at him like [[WhoShotJFK the government shot Kennedy]][[note]]This is a joke I am joking[[/note]] and yeah, that would probably kill him, especially if it was [[BoomHeadshot a headshot]]. Or you can do whatever this shit is. (V1 is using the Whiplash to hook onto the Leviathan and ride it) Make sure to walk your dog every day. This works precisely how it looks. That is to say, like a really good time. Doesn't this game look fun to you? From this moment onward, [[ColossusClimb the ground is now optional]], and no, there is no cooldown. The only limit is how hard you can ball.[[note]]Fuck it, we ball.[[/note]] Now if you're anything like me, you're probably asking yourself, "How do I ride this?" Not only is this a possibility, it is an [[red: optimility]]. (V1 is shooting at the [[AttackItsWeakPoint heart of the Leviathan]]) How else am I going to shoot the screaming child? Just don't spend too long or you'll be sent to space. Honestly, best boss in the whole game, when I can see him. Bastard changed my zip code. Is this way to play balanced? No. Is it comprehensible? Absolutely not. I'm kind of figuring things out as they go.[[note]]Please be patient I am going insane[[/note]] But it is definitely very, very fun, and that is all I need. Now if you don't mind, I'm going to go fishing "the fun way." (V1 defeats the Leviathan, making it blow up)\ |
| 1177 | ('''[[blue:ENDANGERED WHALE FUCKING EXPLODED]]''')\ |
| 1178 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' I don't think that was the fun way. |
| 1179 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' peacefully goes fishing in '''5-4: LEVIATHAN''' |
| 1180 | |
| 1181 | !!!Chapter 4: HERESY |
| 1182 | -> '''[=Max0r=]:''' Hey there, welcome back to uhh... [[red: RED]]. We've got varied environments. We've got... ''SCARIED'' environments. We've got enough dick measuring[[note]]enough pp measuring[[/note]]. Now it's time for the [[GroinAttack DURABILITY TEST]]. At this point, the game is absolutely done with my shit. The enemy count could be described as "GENEROUS." Especially when their attacks take up HALF THE ROOM. It's less a difficulty ''spike,'' and more like a Difficulty ''Spear.'' It really doesn't help that the music uhh... sounds like an [[DroneOfDread EVIL AIR CONDITIONER]]. (V1 drops further down into the level, now looking over the City of Dis as Altars of Apostasy starts up) Oh. I forgot this game takes place in Hell. This shit looks like ''I'' color corrected it. ''Ultrakill'' can have a little Hell as a [[{{Corpsing}} treat]]. So we make our way through the [[AlienSky Spaghetti Sauce Dimension]], a twisted arena that will [[FinalExamFinale test every skill in your arsenal]]. But if you're anything like me, then, um, that isn't many of them. I think Hell is having to explain my [[Recap/SpongeBobSquarePantsS2E17ProcrastinationImWithStupid resumé]]. Hello there, tell me about yourself. "What are your weaknesses?" "Does your house have any weaknesses?" My weaknesses are, um, cute girls in my [=DMs=]. (pictures of [[Manga/ChainsawMan Makima]] are posted).[[note]][[red:If you look like this DM me now]][[/note]] Right now. |
| 1183 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' giving Hell a treat in '''6-1: CRY FOR THE WEEPER''' |
| 1184 | |
| 1185 | -> '''Gabriel:'''...Is this not enough, Machine? How much more must your kind devour?\ |
| 1186 | '''V1:''' You are talking to a camera.\ |
| 1187 | '''Gabriel:''' Do you think this is funny? Do you think it's like a joke? ''Because I'm not laughing.''\ |
| 1188 | '''V1:''' Cope and seethe.\ |
| 1189 | '''Gabriel:''' ''I fucking am. And it's not making me want to kill you less.'' Now, peek this sick organ solo.\ |
| 1190 | [''Gabriel plays a few notes on a pipe organ'']\ |
| 1191 | '''V1:''' Uhh... okay? It's nice?\ |
| 1192 | [''Gabriel abruptly stands up'']\ |
| 1193 | '''Gabriel:''' Machine. I will ''[[PunctuatedForEmphasis cut. You. Down.]]'' Break you apart. Splay the gore of your profane form across the stars! [[ToThePain I will grind you down until the very ]] ''[[ToThePain sparks]]'' [[ToThePain cry for mercy!]] '''''[[PreMortemOneLiner My hands shall RELISH ending you]] [[PunctuatedForEmphasis HERE! AND! NOW!]]''''' |
| 1194 | -->-- The exchange leading up the Apostate of Hate boss fight |
| 1195 | |
| 1196 | !!!THE APOSTATE OF HATE |
| 1197 | ->(the battle starts off on [[VideoGame/YakuzaLikeADragon Pellagria]])\ |
| 1198 | '''Gabriel:''' [[red:IS THAT THE BEST YOU'VE]] [[blue:GOT?]] ''(V1 and Gabriel battle to the death)'' [[red:LET'S SETTLE THIS!]]\ |
| 1199 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' More like the Prostate of Hate, am I right? (The ''VideoGame/MonsterHunterWorld'' credits are splashed on) I'm a creative genius. Welcome to [[blue:THE MOST SPASTIC SHIT]] [[red: EVER MADE.]][[note]]Minos Approved[[/note]] Man went to Bible Camp for adults. [[Literature/BookOfEcclesiastes Ecclesiastes 21:46]]: "[[WesternAnimation/FamilyGuy Peter]], [[Recap/FamilyGuyS7E8FamilyGay the horse is here]]." In our last encounter, Gabriel required a lot of patience to beat. Now he requires an act of [[red:God]]. This fight is patience, but faster. This means faster movements, faster attacks[[note]](Raiden punching Sen. Armstrong) me attempting to get wood from a tree in ''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}''[[/note]], faster commutes to the [[red:hospital]], and I can't afford healthcare. Gone are the days of having attack windows. We're skipping straight to God.\ |
| 1200 | '''Gabriel:''' [[red:MY DAD GROUNDED ME, MACHINE. AND HE WON'T READ ME BIBLE STORIES TONIGHT!]]\ |
| 1201 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' This shit has more hits than I have dodges, and distance is not going to save you. We need to [[MyBrainIsBig think about this boss really hard]],[[note]][[red:ME THINKING REALLY HARD]][[/note]] because this fight is not getting any easier. Basically, Gabriel has two different modes: [[gold:Funny Mode]] and [[red:Racist Mode]]. Racist Mode is the default, just like [[TakeThat American police]][[note]]STOP RESISTING[[/note]]. We need to beat the bigotry out of him by carefully convincing the blood to leave his body. Free speech wins again.[[note]]me thoughtfully convincing my neighbor's loud dog down the street to stop barking[[/note]] So after sufficient logical debate is held between two intelligent parties, Gabriel decides that enough is enough and... turns on the lights. Now I can see all my mistakes in perfect detail. This is the Funny Mode because Gabriel finds it, uh...\ |
| 1202 | '''Gabriel:''' [[blue: A Comedy Of Errors]]\ |
| 1203 | '''[=Max0r=]:''' ...pretty amusing. I, however, do not. Every attack, every toss[[note]][[blue:AMONG US]][[/note]], every bullshit sends my camera into a different hemisphere, and if you weren't ready for it, that's okay. Because he is definitely ready for you. POV: You ask for the time in London. Needless to say, this fight is wacky, but also really easy. Not for lack of trying, though, but rather because of the many lessons our journey has given us, and also the horrifying places that we've been. I'm looking at you, [[VideoGame/CrashBandicoot Stache Trade Route]]. Look, what I'm trying to say is V2 makes every game easier. ''(Several more clips of V1 and Gabriel's battle play out)''\ |
| 1204 | '''Gabriel:''' [[SanitySlippage COMEDIC MASTERY]]\ |
| 1205 | (Gabriel finally goes down after a Ricoshot)\ |
| 1206 | '''FUCKING FINALLY''' |
| 1207 | -->--'''[=Max0r=]''' battling Gabriel, the Apostate of Hate |
| 1208 | |
| 1209 | !!!FINALE |
| 1210 | ->'''Gabriel:''' Ahahaha... Is this... my blood?\ |
| 1211 | '''V1:''' I think I broke him.\ |
| 1212 | '''Gabriel:''' No, Machine... I've never felt... So alive.\ |
| 1213 | '''V1:''' You're making this weird again.\ |
| 1214 | '''Gabriel:''' These feelings... I... I need some time.\ |
| 1215 | '''V1:''' [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence Did we fight or have sex?]]\ |
| 1216 | '''Gabriel:''' Bye. [[[VillainExitStageLeft Bad To The Bone.mp3]]]\ |
| 1217 | '''V1:''' I miss her bros. |
| 1218 | -->--'''Gabriel reaching enlightenment after his second defeat to V1''' |
| 1219 | |
| 1220 | ->'''Councilor:''' Gabriel, what you do now is treason! We represent the will of God!\ |
| 1221 | '''Gabriel:''' [''[[LaughingMad evil chuckling]]''] I've had a long time to think about that, Councilor. And now I realize, everything that I had faith in ''is a lie.''\ |
| 1222 | '''Councilor:''' You let your faith be shaken by a camera?!\ |
| 1223 | '''Gabriel:''' Face it, brother. '''''GodIsDead.''''' The fire is long gone.\ |
| 1224 | '''Councilor:''' If you kill me Gabriel, you'll be dead within hours!\ |
| 1225 | '''Gabriel:''' '''''[[WhamLine I know.]]'''''\ |
| 1226 | [''[[MoralEventHorizon Gabriel decapitates the Councilor]] and [[DecapitationPresentation displays its head to the people of Heaven]] as he [[SanitySlippage laughs maniacally]]''] |
| 1227 | [[/folder]] |
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