Line #291 Quotes/EightBitTheater


1	! [[AxCrazy Black Mage]]
2	->''"Wait. If it's a Cave of No Return, [[UndeadAuthor how does anyone know what's inside of it?]]"''
3	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/03/02/episode-001-were-going-where/ 1]]
4
5	->'''Black Mage''': [[Film/XMen1 Do you know what happens to a giant when it gets blasted with a fireball?]]\
6	'''Fighter''': Er... no, what?\
7	'''Black Mage''': [[KillItWithFire The same thing that happens to everything else!]]\
8	''BeatPanel''\
9	'''Fighter''': [[TakeThat Dude, that line sucks.]]
10	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/03/17/episode-006-time-to-make-a-stand/ 6]]
11
12	->"Why, it would take some kind of insane megalomaniacal fiend to take pleasure in wielding the tapestry of creation to focus pure energy into reality through nothing more than the force of my own will, the rush of electricity through my being, the power--my god, the POWER! '' '''ITS THE ONLY TIME I FEEL ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!''' ''
13	-->--[[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/05/05/episode-025-real-hes-one-smoooooth-operator/ 25]]
14
15	->''"What did I ever do to deserve this as my fate? Other than all the sinning."''
16	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/03/18/episode-262-fixin-to-get-ready-to-go/ 262]]
17
18	->'''Fighter''': ''Now'' who's the stupidest one?\
19	'''Black Mage''': ''Us'', for having to hear ''you'' talk.
20	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/04/08/episode-270-fighter-morissette/ 270]]
21
22	->''"Damnit, Thief."''
23	-->--Black Mage's {{Catchphrase}} every time Thief screws the rest of them over.
24
25	->''"Y'know, I think my favorite thing about being a hero of destiny is that it gives you all kinds of narrative justification to just slay any ol' jerk who gets in your way."''
26	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/05/24/episode-286-the-gangs-all-here/ 286]]
27
28	->''"[[TalkingTheMonsterToDeath Astos? Mo' like yo' ass is toast!]]"''
29	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/06/21/episode-298-a-natural-response/ 298]]
30
31	->'''Black Mage''': Wait, if I ''did'' evil, and you guys here ''are'' evil, then shouldn't you be showering me with rewards and concubines, etc?\
32	'''Ruler of Hell''': This is Hell. We're big on irony here.\
33	'''Black Mage''': Then I'm sure you'll appreciate [[HellHasNewManagement what is going to occur]].
34	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/02/24/episode-388-see-you-in-hell-monkey-boy/ 388]]
35
36	->''"I ''know'' the difference between right and wrong. I just don't care."''
37	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/04/08/episode-405-lets-face-it-hed-starve/ 405]]
38
39	->'''Black Mage''': I found out what zombies are weak against.\
40	'''Red Mage''': Oh?\
41	'''Black Mage''': Point blank annihilation.
42	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/04/17/episoe-409-corrective-measures/ 409]]
43
44	->''"I should have mentioned this at the beginning. I solve my problems through violence."''
45	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/06/12/episode-428-problem-solver/ 428]]
46
47	->''"And how are we supposed to do smart things? Just ''think'' them up?"''
48	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/14/episode-470-good-intentions/ 470]]
49
50	->'''Black Mage''': Thief?! I thought you ran off like the coward you are!\
51	'''Thief''': And ''you'' wouldn't have run for it?\
52	'''Black Mage''': Don't change the subject.
53	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/26/episode-475-tmi/ 475]]
54
55	->''"Love is a very powerful force. Even more so when it's focused into a coherent beam of destruction. Every time I cast Hadoken, it siphons away some of the love in the universe. I'm not sure how much, but I'm given to understand the divorce rate goes up with each blast."''
56	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/11/27/8-bit-chronicles-3-of-3/ 8-bit Chronicles 3 of 3]]
57
58	-> '''White Mage''': You... ''sacrificed''... children. For power?\
59	'''Black Mage''': Of course. [[PragmaticVillainy If I'd done it for no reason, I'd be a sicko or something.]]\
60	'''White Mage''': ...\
61	'''Black Mage''': So, we gonna make out or what?
62	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/09/episode-489-oh-that-black-mage-of-ours/ 489]]
63
64	->''"Some people wrestle with their personal demons. I stabbed mine in the back of the head. He was a bleeder....\
65	The thing is, I think it was what Alchoholics call an epiphany. Except I'm more of a murder-holic. So y'know, the face stabbing."''
66	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/10/27/episode-617-thinking-ahead/ 617]]
67
68	->''"Well, I ''have'' been meaning to figure out how to turn self-love into an atrocity..."''
69	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/10/29/episode-618-tough-love/ 618]]
70
71	->''"[[CosmicPlaything Does the universe exist only to rob me of any joy?]]"''
72	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/11/03/episode-620-the-end-of-ordeals/ 620]]
73
74	->'''Black Mage:''' Know this. There is a Hell, And when you are there I shall visit upon you such dark horrors as their names cannot be spoken.
75	->'''Red Mage:''' You need more stickers.
76	->'''Black Mage:''' We are so far beyond stickers.
77	->'''Red Mage:''' Stickers increase your max speed.
78	->'''Black Mage:''' Tell me more.
79	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/04/11/episode-683-pimp-my-bird/ 683]]
80
81	->''"I'd say his moral framework just snapped, but what moral framework?"''
82	-->--'''Red Mage''' [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/04/20/episode-685-the-final-straw/ 685]]
83
84	-> '''Doom Cultist''': Enough Buffoonery.\
85	'''Black Mage''': If it was that simple, do you think I'd be dressed like this?
86	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/09/05/episode-739-the-depravities-that-ended-the-century/ 739]]
87
88	-> ''{upon joining a cult of {{Cthulhumanoid}}s}'' Finally! '''I'm''' not the ugliest malcontent in the group.
89	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/09/09/episode-741-facts-concerning-the-ugly-black-mage-and-his-cohorts/ 741]]
90
91	->[To Fighter] ''"Every day with you is an adventure I never wanted. Like swimming naked through shards of glass."''
92	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/12/23/episode-786-circus-performers/ 786]]
93
94	->'''Red Mage''': So we're back to the murder plot, are we.\
95	'''Black Mage''': Is killing a man really murder?\
96	'''Red Mage''': Yes.\
97	'''Black Mage''': Wait, I had this all figured out earlier. [''To Red Mage''] Isn't murder ''only'' the crime of killing someone?\
98	'''Red Mage''': Yes.\
99	'''Black Mage''': No, that wasn't right either.\
100	'''Fighter''': I told you to write it down.\
101	'''Black Mage''': I know, I know!
102	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/01/23/episode-799-fing-fang-foom/ 799]]
103
104	-> '''Black Mage''': Get offa me!\
105	'''Red Mage''': Hey! How'd you live?\
106	'''Black Mage''': [[ThePowerOfHate Spite!]]
107	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/10/06/episode-903-awakenings/ 903]]
108
109	->''"Healed and healthy forever! It makes me want to sing... a song that would turn your heart inside out, but I can't figure out the lyrics."''
110	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/12/29/episode-936-the-italian-job/ 936]]
111
112	->''"I can recall a time when my life was not, in fact, spiraling out of control before my eyes. We are so far beyond that now, I can't be certain that it wasn't just a dream. Sets Red Mage's unmoving body on fire. Though there are perks."''
113	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/01/31/episode-949-you-could-be-swingin-on-a-star/ 949]]
114
115	->'''Driz'zl''': What do you think ''you're'' doing?\
116	'''Black Mage''': I'd say I was joining the winning team, but that'd imply there existed a time when I wasn't on ''Team Evil''.
117	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/07/15/episode-1017-making-official-the-de-facto/ 1017]]
118
119	->''"You shut the '''''goddamn hell up''''', super monsters."''
120	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/16/episode-1117-kind-of-a-raw-deal/ 1117]]
121
122	->'''Black Mage''': So, it's a fight to the death and we're down by two men.\
123	'''Red Mage''': Wait, two?\
124	'''Black Mage''': [[BrutalHonesty Well,]] [[ScrewThisImOutOfHere one is Thief]] and the other is about to be me [[DirtyCoward because I'm a coward.]]
125	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/23/episode-1120-reading-material/ 1120]]
126
127
128	! [[TheDitz Fighter]]
129	->''"Sword-chucks, yo."''
130	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/19/episode-472-synthesis/ 472]]
131
132	->''"I trust Black Mage 'cause he told me to."''
133	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/06/06/episode-039-survivor-8-bit-style-part-4/ 39]]
134
135	-> '''Drizz'l''': Only a ''fool'' would engage an enemy without knowing anything about him. \
136	'''Fighter''': Which explains ''exactly'' why that's what ''I'' did!\
137	'''Thief''': That was supposed to be a taunt, wasn't it?\
138	'''Black Mage''': One can only assume.
139	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/04/17/episode-274-the-villain-revealed/ 274]]
140
141	-> '''Black Mage''': Jeezy ''chreezy'', Fighter! Did they drop you on the head as a child? Often?\
142	'''Fighter''': Hm... [''Has a flashback''] Mmm! Power lines and paint chips! My childhood ''rocks''! [''Back to present''] Nope, why?\
143	'''Black Mage''': Never mind.
144	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/07/08/episode-305-careful-what-you-say/ 305]]
145
146	-> '''Fighter''': ''[Takes a fireball meant for Black Mage]''\
147	'''Black Mage''': See! It's not just me! He ''never'' dies!
148	-->--[[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/23/episode-474-second-attack/ 474]]
149
150	-> [''On the rest of the Light Warriors''] ''"[[DumbassHasAPoint Sheesh. Those guys can sure say a whole lot without saying anything]]."''
151	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/01/17/episode-649-fighter-kinda-likes-swords/ 649]]
152
153	-> '''Fighter''': Well, ''I'' believe the things Red Mage says.\
154	'''Thief''': That's because you don't possess the... uh... the imagination to consider that people can lie.\
155	'''Fighter''': I don't follow. Lies aren't true, so why would anyone tell them?
156	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/08/21/episode-1027-superior-position/ 1027]]
157
158	->''"I met our old friends, who coincidentally are also our worst enemies.\
159	Remember? We killed them? They say its our turn now.''"
160	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/07/episode-1114-look-who-came-to-murder/ 1114]]
161
162	->''"You can't transform numbers into other numbers like that. It'd just go on ''forever''. That's like witchcraft."''
163	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/02/episode-1135-numerology/ 1135]]
164
165	->''"The way I figure it, the ''fall'' doesn't kill you. The ''ground'' does. [[spoiler:So I blocked it.]]"''
166	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/09/08/episode-1170-happy-landings/ 1170]]
167
168
169	! [[{{Munchkin}} Red Mage]]
170
171	->''"My plans are ''always'' practical! It's the laws of physics that get in the way of my success."''
172	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/03/18/episode-262-fixin-to-get-ready-to-go/ 262]]
173
174	-> '''Thief''': Do you know what you're doing, RM? \
175	'''Red Mage''': Why should ''that'' stop me?
176	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/02/14/episode-384-rdmbst/ 384]]
177
178	->''"You see, Fighter, any time you do ''any''thing, there is a one in twenty chance that you will [[CriticalFailure critically fail]]. The results of such catastrophic events are up to the gods. Sadly, for us, they are vindictive and filled with bad ideas."''
179	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/06/17/episode-430-very-long-range/ 430]]
180
181	->''"It shoots fire from it's mouth and bleeds acidic lava! Run for your pathetic lives!\
182	(later) Use your weapons, they are designed to inflict damage!\
183	(later) Our weapons are useless, reliance upon them is death!\
184	''[Is eaten alive]'' It has exposed it's weak, fleshy underbelly to me in the form of its digestive tract!'' "
185	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/08/26/episode-455-self-fulfilling-stupidity/ 455]]
186
187	->'''Black Mage''': You've done a very stupid thing, RM.\
188	'''Red Mage''': The line between genius and stupidity is drawn by vision. And let me tell you, the view from inside a dragon's digestive tract is filled with insight.\
189	'''Black Mage''': Thief?\
190	'''Thief''': No, its filled with guts, he's stupid.
191	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/09/07/episode-457-teamwork/ 457]]
192
193	->''"Don't worry, Thief. My intellect has thought of everything. Even the things it hasn't considered. ''Especially'' those things, in fact."''
194	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/11/02/episode-477-third-attack/ 477]]
195
196	->''"I'm prepared to passionately argue this point until nothing makes sense anymore. If that doesn't work, then the hours upon ''hours'' of whining will."''
197	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/07/07/episode-573-a-fabulous-dream-vacation/ 573]]
198
199	->'''Black Mage''': Does RM's ''constant'' use of the word 'probing' make anyone else feel uncomfortable?\
200	'''Red Mage''': What's wrong with being thorough? I ''always'' go for the deepest probing action humanly possible.
201	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/08/16/episode-587-penetrating-research/ 587]]
202
203	->''"Let's review. You built ''something''. But you don't know what it is because you never wrote down what it was for when you still had enough points left in engineering to know. I have been defeated by my own intellect. I don't know if that's encouraging or ''depressing'' though."''
204	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/10/11/episode-610-logic/ 610]]
205
206	->'''Black Mage''' ''[seeing mutant Chocobo created by Red Mage]'': What is it?!\
207	'''Red Mage''': We went over this. Fruits of Genius. All it required was a cocktail of dangerous, experimental surgery and a willingness to ignore the unnecessary suffering of perfectly innocent beings! Also, I shot magic into their chromosomes until they turned inside-out. Evolution is my ''bitch''.
208	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/03/23/episode-676-supernatural-selection/ 676]]
209
210
211	->''"Aren't you guys glad I'm here? None of you would have had the ''boldness'' of character or clarity of action to beg for food."''
212	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/11/25/episode-774-service-with-a-smile/ 774]]
213
214	->''"In the arena of logic, I fight unarmed!"''
215	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/04/19/episode-835-refining-moment/ 835]]
216
217	->[To Sarda, explaining why the Light Warriors didn't get the Orb of Air] ''"The short version is that everyone in Lefein is a colossal jackass. Yes, they are fully to blame. If you remove our incompetence from the equation, then we did nothing wrong."''
218	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/06/09/episode-856-its-a-shadow/ 856]]
219
220
221	->''"According to a loose enough definition of 'hero', we qualify. Well, more or less. The point is that good deeds were ''done'' and ''we'' were nearby."''
222	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/11/15/episode-920-we-could-be-heroes/ 920]]
223
224	->[On trying to point out flaws in Red Mage's plans] ''"It's like talking to a brick wall with a particularly doofy hat. Also, it's ugly."''
225	-->-- '''Black Mage''' [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/01/12/episode-941-its-a-compliment/ 941]]
226
227	->''"Most plans are ''critically'' flawed by their own logic. [[SpannerInTheWorks A failure at any step will ruin everything after it]]. That's just basic cause and effect. It's easy for a good plan to fall apart. Therefore, a plan that has '''no attachment''' to logic can not be stopped. The success or failure of any given step will have no impact on the macro level."''
228	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/01/15/episode-942-cross-eyed-traffic/ 942]]
229
230	->'''Thief''': Doesn't it worry you to be, you know, ''aflame''? \
231	'''Red Mage''': Are you kidding? This is great. This is like if burning hands was a ''seventh'' level spell! ''Maybe'' sixth... And anyway, it's auto-hit to boot! I could hug you for 3d4 per turn, Thief. Per. Turn.
232	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/02/05/episode-951-when-life-gives-you-firelemons/ 951]]
233
234	->'''Red Mage''': And that's my brilliant tale of victory.\
235	'''Black Mage''': So, you only survived because [Warmech] forgot how to use his attacks.\
236	'''Red Mage''': Hey, I don't wet myself in this version.\
237	'''Red Mage''' ''(to himself)'': Next time I tell this story, I'll ''also'' skip the part where I said that.
238	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/05/08/episode-989-like-riding-a-bike/ 989]]
239
240	->[To Fighter] ''"Make your swords become like things unto chainsaws."''
241	-->-- '''Red Mage's Glorious Chainsaw Method''' [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/06/24/episode-1008-charmed-im-sure/ 1008]]
242
243	-> '''Thief''': Hey, quick question. Do you believe ''anything'' you say?\
244	'''Red Mage''': All of it. Without qualification. Except for this: given a very wide range of interpretations of both: the things I say ''and'' the meaning of the phrase 'all of it'.
245	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/08/21/episode-1027-superior-position/ 1027]]
246
247	-> '''Black Mage''': Where in the hell are we?\
248	'''Red Mage''': My A-hole.\
249	'''Black Mage''': Goddammit, Red Mage...
250	-->-- [[https://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/13/episode-1140-where-the-sun-dont-shine/ 1140]]
251
252	-> '''Red Mage''': So deep are we (within my A-hole) that Sarda will ''never'' find us no matter how thoroughly or how vigorously he probes. My A-hole.\
253	'''Black Mage''': Can you say things without ''talking''? Is that... Can we ''do'' that? Please?
254	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/16/episode-1141-how-deep-does-the-a-hole-go/ 1141]]
255
256	->'''Sarda''': I become more powerful with each passing moment.\
257	'''Red Mage''': Ah-Ha! Technically, every moment leaves you ''weaker'' than the next, so at every ''present'' moment, you're weaker than you'll ever be for the ''rest of your life''! The time to strike is ''now!''
258	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/08/11/episode-1161-change-of-plan/ 1161]]
259
260	->'''Red Mage''' [On the rest of the Light Warriors leaving him to be killed by Sarda]: I can't believe they'd just leave me like that.\
261	'''Sarda''': And ''I'' can't believe you're actually surprised.\
262	'''Red Mage''': I mean, okay. They always talk about doing this kind of thing. And then they go and do it. And then laugh about it. And then they ''watch'' as I get brutally hurt. And laugh about that too. A lot.
263	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/08/15/episode-1163-the-best-medicine/ 1163]]
264
265	->'''Black Mage''' [To Red Mage]: If I have to listen to one more of your word salads in the guise of a plan, I will kill myself ''so hard'' it will kill you instead.
266	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/10/20/episode-1186-more-or-less-timeless/ 1186]]
267
268	->''"Outlook not so good through the wholly'' fictional ''lens you view reality, Red Mage?"''
269	-->-- '''Black Mage''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/11/14/episode-1191-redistribution-of-xp/ 1191]]
270
271	! [[MiserAdvisor Thief]]
272	-> '''Thief''' ''[On the rest of the Light Warriors]'': See, this is why I keep my mouth shut when we walk. If we talk, then we get nowhere. Fast.\
273	'''White Mage''': There is wisdom in your silence.\
274	'''Thief''': Yeah, if you treat them like equals, it'll only encourage them to think they ''are'' your equals.
275	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/06/03/episode-290-elves-are-arrogant/ 290]]
276
277	->'''Thief''': Look, the truth is we're light warriors and we're not very good people.
278	-->-- Thief sums up about half the comic [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/01/22/episode-375-thinking-outside-the-box/ 375]]
279
280	->'''Thief''': I believe in a free market.\
281	'''Red Mage''': How's that work?\
282	'''Thief''': Very well when you get to make the rules.
283	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/05/01/episode-415-last-resort/ 415]]
284
285	->[To Red Mage] ''"We have a saying where I come from. In your boorish, lackluster tongue, it would roughly translate... "Shut up, and give me all of your monies and fineries". Since I've already contractually ensured the monies, I request the shut up."''
286	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/05/25/episode-421-a-wizard-did-it/ 421]]
287
288	->''"We are simply here to collect the Orb of Fire. If you know where it is, I suggest you help us to attain it. Otherwise, your life may become immediately finite."''
289	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/06/10/episode-427-its-not-their-fault/ 427]]
290
291	->''"It's a bad sign when your leader's whole exit strategy is to screw you."''
292	-->--'''Red Mage''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/11/12/episode-623-there-was-a-fire-fight/ 623]]
293
294	->[To Black Mage] ''"How else do you suggest [Dragoon] destroy the world's only hope for survival? Identify the real heroes, delay them, then join a band of easily duped rubes, become their leader, and trick them into questing across the world only to stab them all in the back at the last minute? At least, that's what I would do."''
295
296	->''"I said 'hypothetically' right? Somewhere in there? No?"''
297	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/10/30/episode-913-the-last-of-the-9xx-jokes/ 913]]
298
299	->[To Dragoon] ''"In certain respects, you are the worst dragon slayer here. Like, in the respect of killing a damn dragon."''
300	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/12/08/episode-929-retribution/ 929]]
301
302	->[To the Dragon]''"Look, it's a simple matter of pattern recognition. There are four orbs. We've come across three of them. Each was guarded by an incredible being that far outclassed us. We killed them. We killed them all. The king of death, The queen of fire, and a monster who eats universes[...]Now, I'm not saying we're going to kill you. I don't even know how we'd do it. I '''''am''''' saying that monsters with orbs have a way of dying when we're around them."''
303	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/02/19/episode-957-bargain-bin/ 957]]
304
305	->[To the Dragon]''"Call my bluff, if you like. We're Light Warriors and Light Warriors get '''''Orbs''''' of Light. That's just the way it is. You can be alive or dead when it's done."''
306	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/02/23/episode-959-last-chance/ 959]]
307
308	->[On Red Mage] ''"He died as he lived: completely hated."''
309	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/08/19/episode-1026-fulfilling-ones-role/ 1026]]
310
311	->[On Black Mage] ''"If his treachery would ever hurt someone more than himself, I'd have to stop him."''
312	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/09/02/episode-1032-damn-yankees/ 1032]]
313
314	->''"We're Light Warriors, dammit. I bet [Sarda] '''can't''' hurt us any worse than we hurt each other every day."''
315	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/09/17/episode-1173-oh-whats-the-worst-that-could-happen/ 1173]]
316
317	-> '''Thief''': Look at us now, we're not even fit to murder a hobo. How are we going to save the Aristocracy from the Poor?\
318	'''Red Mage''': You mean, 'The World from Destruction'.\
319	'''Thief''': That's what I said.
320	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/11/19/episode-1193-altruism/ 1193]]
321
322	! White Mage
323
324	-> '''Black Mage''': Yo.\
325	'''White Mage''': You are simply a horrible little monster and I pray for your quick and merciful death.\
326	'''Black Mage''': Flirt!
327	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2001/12/12/episode-100-white-mage-makes-it-all-better/ 100]]
328
329	->''"Black Belt! Hit Sir Armor of Gothic here until he stops thinking conscious thoughts."''
330	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2002/03/25/episode-131-i-love-punch-arts/ 131]]
331
332	->''"Black Belt! [[MyGreatestFailure Stop her with your violence.]]"''
333	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/14/episode-470-good-intentions/ 470]]
334
335	-> [To Black Mage] ''"Death is not "funny", you miserable little '''pukestain''' of a worm! If I hear so much as an utterance on the subject of Black Belt, I will personally ensure that your life will be a series of wretched events that march you into an early (and shallow) grave."''
336	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/11/11/episode-481-black-belt-walks-into-a-bar/ 481]]
337
338	-> '''White Mage''': Black Belt! He, he died and it's all my fault, but you can help him!\
339	'''Sarda''': Naw.
340	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/12/16/episode-492-what-goes-up-must-come-crashing-down/ 492]]
341
342	-> ''"I am White Mage, a destroyer of worlds!"''
343	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/07/03/episode-865-iphone-iphone-iphone/ 865]]
344
345	! Sarda
346	->''"I, gentlemen, am Sarda. And that makes me the [[AWizardDidIt Wizard Who Did It]]!"''
347	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/05/25/episode-421-a-wizard-did-it/ 421]]
348
349	->''"What I hate most about talking to you jerks is that I always know what you're going to say. Partly because I exist in six directions in time at once, but also you are all stupid."''
350	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/04/22/episode-982-forward-backward-spiraled-sideways-looped-and-cross-wise/ 982]]
351
352	->''"'Wizard'? Are you kidding me? ''Wizards'' do parlor tricks. ''I'' throttle the Heavens."''
353	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/01/27/episode-1087-exalted-feat/ 1087]]
354
355	-> Goddamn, what's it take to get you morons to kill each other, anyway?
356	-->{{Beat}}
357	->I mean ''hello''.
358	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/18/episode-1118-battle-royale/ 1118]]
359
360	->'''Black Mage''': That's messed up, Sarda.\
361	'''Sarda''': Oh? The thought of it kept me warm for billions of years.
362	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/05/30/episode-1134-illustrative/ 1134]]
363
364	-> ''I am Sarda. And I am older than time. I possess power beyond mortal understanding. My plans will not be undone by such amateur hour horseshit as absorbing too much power and exploding. I am Sarda. My will be done.''
365	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/10/01/episode-1179-everything-will-be-fine/ 1179]]
366
367	! King Steve
368
369	->'''Black Mage''': How, in the ten thousand hells of the Great Lord Chaos, did a man of your ''grotesque'' stupidity become the leader of the most powerful nation in the world?\
370	'''King Steve''': Well, my dad was king, so now I'm king. But now that I think about it, genetics is not a very good system of determining executive power. Even the most capable and caring and beloved leader - much less my greedy, thieving dad - can have an incompetent son so mindbogglingly stupid that he could singlehandedly flush the world's greatest nation down the sewer before the populace at large has a chance to notice - which is ''exactly'' what the Cornerian press used to say about ''me'' before I decreed that it was the civic duty of the press to never ever question my rule which I then also decreed to be absolute and perfect. So now even ''thinking'' that I'm not a perfect benevolent leader is a crime. So now I can do ''crazy'' stuff like drill for mana in Endangered Species Forest. Weeee!\
371	'''Red Mage''': You don't actually ''drill'' for mana.\
372	'''King Steve''': We do now!
373	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2002/06/19/episode-163-king-steve-is-stupid/ 163]]
374
375	->'''Princess Sara''': Dad, your approval rating is slightly lower than a hole in the head.\
376	'''King Steve''': Oh, I'm sure they're exaggerating like the infinitely stupid morons they are.\
377	'''Princess Sara''': Well, the poll only had two choices. ''One'', be ruled over by King Steve forever. ''Two'', get a sword through your head. We lost 52% of the participants.\
378	'''King Steve''': Tough but fair.
379	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/10/23/episode-345-political-nuances/ 345]]
380
381	-> '''King Steve''': Did I ever tell you about the time I ''built'' this castle all by hand?\
382	'''Princess Sara''': It's 400 years old, dad.\
383	'''King Steve''': Yes, yes. I designed it that way, you know.
384	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/12/11/episode-362-gold-from-the-mountain/ 362]]
385
386	->[To Princess Sara] ''"As you know, I'm the world's foremost inventor, having invented inventing three years ago. (...)\
387	\
388	This new holiday involves dressing up and going to your neighbor's houses to demand goods. Only there's just one costume: a Cornerian soldier. And we send about thirty thousand of them to our neighboring countries. And there are no tricks or treats, only rape and murder."''
389	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/11/01/episode-619-waroween/ 619]]
390
391	->'''Princess Sara''': Now, like I asked before, how's the war going?\
392	'''King Steve''': Smashingly! We'll hammer pacifism into the elves if we have to ''kill them all'' to do it.\
393	* BeatPanel*\
394	'''Princess Sara''': So, we're ''at war'' to spread ''pacifism'' now?\
395	'''King Steve''': Oh, yes. It works like a charm.\
396	'''Princess Sara''': How?!\
397	'''King Steve''': Well, corpses are ''remarkably'' non-violent.
398	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/06/29/episode-714-ministry-of-peace/ 714]]
399
400	! Other
401	->''"Life is funny. You start out with limitless potential, but time is always shaving away the possibilities. Every choice you make is the choice not to do a thousand other things. What's important, when all is said and done, is that you made a difference. Your choices, and everything undone, have to '''mean''' something. Otherwise, what was the point? I'm lucky that way. My path was already there. I had only to walk it. I often thought even if '''no one''' knew of the good I had done with my life, it didn't matter. That it was done is all that counts in the end. But then I died. And I hadn't gotten to do any of it yet."''
402	-->-- '''Black Belt''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/10/16/episode-471-first-attack/ 471]]
403
404	-> '''Bahamut''': [[AC: Though I am the great dragon god king, I am versed in the manifold weaknesses of things such as yourselves.]]\
405	'''Fighter''': That's nice of you. \
406	'''Bahamut''': [[AC: I know.]]
407	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/07/02/episode-571-chicanery-its-not-just-for-ravnos-any-more/ 571]]
408
409	->[To Black Mage] ''"I can remember when your language was nothing but quaint little grunts and sneezes. That you will be slaughtered at my leisure is a foregone conclusion. So, go ahead and run your chubby little heart out."''
410	-->-- '''Muffin the dragon''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/02/16/episode-956-for-real-this-time/ 956]]
411
412	->[To Thief] ''"You're an ''elf''. Your history is a very long love poem dedicated to bloodshed. ''And'' to yourselves."''
413	-->-- '''Muffin''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/02/23/episode-959-last-chance/ 959]]
414
415	! The Dark Warriors
416	-> '''Garland''': I found a quarter [[PokeThePoodle and I'm not asking if it belongs to anyone]]. \
417	'''Bikke''': [[AndThatsTerrible That's plain mean. Yar.]] (...)
418
419	-> '''Bikke''': Consider the lives of me crew to be forfeit. \
420	'''Garland''': I'm sure it won't come to that. \
421	'''Bikke''': It will if I ''says'' it will.
422	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2002/10/29/episode-208-look-whos-back/ 208]]
423
424	-> '''Drizz'l''': We don't have to take this [''i.e. Princess Sara's insults'']. We have our dignity.\
425	'''Bikke''': Ye be speakin' for yeself, elfy!\
426	'''Garland''': A meal that costs my dignity is still free.\
427	* BeatPanel*\
428	'''Drizz'l''': I have got to find new, non-sucky, friends.
429	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/12/16/episode-364-the-economics-of-pride/ 364]]
430
431	->[To Bikke] ''"You sadden me with your relentless incompetence."''
432	-->-- '''Drizz'l''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/01/20/episode-505-chores-of-death/ 505]]
433
434	->''"This is a temple ''dedicated'' to evil. It's built on the desecrated ancient burial ground where other ''more'' ancient desecrated burial grounds went when they got evil stuff built all over ''them''. The architect was a necromancer and the contractor was in the eldritch mafia. Which together explains how the corpses from all the desecrated burial grounds were animated to build the temple using their own remains as the masonry. Frankly, we'll be lucky if the architecture is ''only'' [[GeniusLoci sentient]]. It could also be [[MalevolentArchitecture filled with rage. Or crazy]]."''
435	-->-- '''Drizz'l''', [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/05/24/episode-996-renovations/ 996]]
436
437	-> '''Bikke''': Piracy be ''steeped'' in the Democratic process.\
438	'''Driz'zl''': Aren't pirates gangs of murdering bastards who are barely kept in line by threats of unthinkable cruelty by their captains?\
439	'''Bikke''': That's right, ''Democracy.'' They says what they wants to do, then we do what I wants to do because I gots the power what be Veto.\
440	'''Driz'zl''': ...This 'Veto'. It's a ''plank'', isn't it?\
441	'''Bikke''': Aye!
442	-->-- [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/07/19/episode-1019-rape-murder-and-pillage-trias-politica/ 1019]]
443
444	! The Other Warriors
445	-> '''Red Mage''': ''[On Berserker]'' His veins are filled with rage and his bones are made out of calcium and murder. He's a dangerous psycho who should-
446	-> '''Berserker''': Hello. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/07/21/episode-579-little-miracles/ 579]]
447
448	! Dialogue
449
450	-> '''Black Mage''': Should I be worried, impressed, or ''insulted'' that you could so easily imagine me as a pretty unicorn princess?
451	-> '''Red Mage''': Well, the resemblance is remarkable, actually. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2002/12/17/episode-226-verbosity/ 226]]
452
453	-->--
454
455	-> '''Thief''': BM, you don't want to use your Hadoken attack so soon.
456	-> '''Black Mage''': [[AxCrazy You don't]] [[HairTriggerTemper know me]] [[OmnicidalManiac very well]], do you?
457	-> '''Thief''': Okay, you ''shouldn't'' use your Hadoken so soon. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/02/08/episode-247-early-to-bed-early-to-destruction/ 247]]
458
459	-->--
460
461	-> '''Black Mage''' ''[commenting on Thief attacking Astos]'': It's good of Thief to volunteer us all for death like this.
462	-> '''Fighter''': Y'know, I bet we'd have a chance if we just helped out.
463	-> '''Black Mage''': Eh, I ''guess'', but it's so much easier to just stand back and criticize. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/02/22/episode-252-wham-bam-thank-you-thief/ 252]]
464
465	-->--
466
467	-> '''Red Mage''': Thief's right. Playing the blame game won't help.
468	-> '''Black Mage''': Oh, but one quick round won't hurt. Watch: It's Thief's fault. I win. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/03/29/episode-267-hangin-around/ 267]]
469
470	-->--
471
472	-> '''Fighter''': Guys, did you hear ''that''? ''Drizz'l'' the dark elf captured us and he wants to fight!
473	-> '''Black Mage''': Drizz'l, eh? Whats he gonna do? Cloud up and rain all over you?
474	-> '''Fighter''': I sure hope he isn't upgraded to the dark elf ''Trop'kal St'orm''. We might be in trouble then!
475	-> '''Black Mage''': His momma's so fat, they named her hurricane Fat'ass!
476	-> '''Thief''': I'll have you know 'Drizz'l' roughly translates to 'The Relentless Scourge'.
477	-> '''Black Mage''': Yeah, like the relentless scourge of having a really stupid name. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/04/17/episode-274-the-villain-revealed/ 274]]
478
479	-->--
480
481	->'''Black Mage''': Just '''once''' I'd like to go a day without being doomed.
482	->'''Red Mage''': It would be a nice change of pace. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/05/20/episode-284-what-could-it-be/ 284]]
483
484	-->--
485
486	-> '''Red Mage''': Once we return the crown, we can ''finally'' get back to our real quest for Matoya's crystal eye thingie.
487	-> '''White Mage''': You mean your real quest to save the world.
488	-> * BeatPanel*
489	-> '''White Mage''': Chaos. The Demon King. Lord of Evil. Emperor of Lies. Commissioner of the Damned. Any of this ring a bell?
490	-> '''Black Mage''': Eh, I don't keep up with local elections really. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2003/06/03/episode-290-elves-are-arrogant/ 290]]
491
492	-->--
493
494	-> '''Black Mage''': If this ''is'' the right place, then we will be completely justified in slaughtering the occupants within. If it isn't, it'll be a practice session. As we all know, practice sessions don't count, so we'll be absolved of any alleged crimes. \
495	'''Red Mage''': But you're going to kill them even if they're innocent. \
496	'''Black Mage''': And it's ''practice'', so it won't count. \
497	'''Red Mage''': But they'll be dead. \
498	'''Black Mage''': Hey, they knew the risks when they took the job. \
499	'''Red Mage''': Job?! ''Risks?!'' You're a mass murdering psycho! \
500	''* BeatPanel* '' \
501	'''Black Mage''': If you think about it, that's really ''their'' problem. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/01/01/episode-367-address-verification-shmaddress-verification/ 367]]
502
503
504	-->--
505
506	-> '''Vilbert von Vampire''': Ready? \
507	'''Red Mage''': I was born ready. \
508	'''Fighter''': ''I'' was born naked and screaming. \
509	'''Black Mage''': And if all goes according to plan, you'll ''die'' that way too. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/01/15/episode-373-critical-hit/ 373]]
510
511	-->--
512
513	-> '''Vilbert and Red Mage''': Rock, paper, scissors, match! \
514	'''Vilbert''': Rock! \
515	'''Red Mage''': Natural twenty, double damage, I win. \
516	'''Vilbert''': I... don't think that's how it works. \
517	'''Red Mage''': Natural twenty trumps all. Show me something that beats a natural twenty, and I'll show you hateful ''lies''! (...) \
518	'''Vilbert''': It's just that there is no natural twenty in rock, paper, scissors. \
519	'''Red Mage''': That's the sort of thing they should've worked out in the beta. Sadly for you, they did not. Advantage: Red Mage! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/01/15/episode-373-critical-hit/ 373]]
520
521	-->--
522
523	-> '''Thief''': It appears that our usual strategies aren't working, RM.
524	-> '''Red Mage''': You mean bungle around and let White Mage sort it out?
525	-> '''Thief''': That's not how ''I'd'' characterize it, but only because of my tremendous ego. (...)
526
527	-> '''Lich''': You cannot hide forever.
528	-> '''Red Mage''': Oh, you'd be suprised what cowardice has done for us so far. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/02/26/episode-389-of-course-they-knew-that/ 389]]
529
530	-->--
531
532	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage''':]] When I look back at my life, I can't help but see an inevitable chain of events.
533	-> [[spoiler:'''Red Mage:''']] That's ridiculous.
534	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage:''']] Do '''you''' believe there could have been any other outcome than this?
535	-> [[spoiler:'''Red Mage:''']] That's not how it works. There is no grand story to history. Things just happen. It's the act of looking back on it that interposes a sense of narrative.
536	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage:''']] And yet here we are, just as we were always going to be. Doesn't that drive you mad? Don't you hate yourself for it? For never having seen it coming until now? Every little thing is so painfully obvious now, isn't it? Now that it's too late, you have all the answers, don't you?
537	-> [[spoiler:'''Red Mage:''']] It's not too late.
538	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage:''']] It is for some people.
539	-> [[spoiler:'''Red Mage:''']] Are you trying to goad me?
540	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage:''']] You know it's going to end here.
541	-> [[spoiler:'''Red Mage:''']] Just like it was always going to, right?
542	-> [[spoiler:'''Black Mage:''']] You're catching on. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/06/26/episode-434-wouldnt-you-like-to-know/ 434]]
543
544	-->--
545
546	-> '''Black Mage''': I don't get it. What's that jerk [Ranger] got that I ain't.
547	-> '''White Mage''': You mean besides a grasp of grammar?
548	-> '''Black Mage''': Me talk good!
549	-> '''White Mage''': Well, let's see. He knows the difference between right and wrong. Morals. A complete understanding of the theories and practical applications of personal hygiene. [[LongList Friends. A face. The respect of his peers.]]
550	-> '''Black Mage''': [[ITakeOffenseToThatLastOne Hey! I have friends.]] [''[[BeatPanel Beat]]''] I have a friend.
551	-> '''White Mage''': What you ''have'' is [[VitriolicBestBuds a highly dysfunctional relationship based exclusively on abuse]].
552	-> '''Black Mage''': Right, a friend.
553	-> '''White Mage''': See that, that right here. ''That's'' what's wrong with you. [''Walks away'']
554	-> '''Black Mage''': Dammit, Fighter. White Mage doesn't like me because you're a rotten friend.
555	-> '''Fighter''': I'm horrible! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/07/08/episode-439-everything-is-fighters-fault/ 439]]
556
557	-->--
558
559	-> '''Red Mage''': Okay, there's a group of monsters ahead. Beyond them lies the chamber wherein the Orb of Fire is contained.\
560	'''Black Mage''': How can you be sure?\
561	'''Red Mage''': What do you mean? I'm sure of everything I say!\
562	'''Black Mage''' ''(to himself)'': Oh no you don't, brain. You stay. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/09/28/episode-463-omg-bad-pull-lololol/ 463]]
563
564	-->--
565
566	-> '''Black Mage''': Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?
567	-> '''Fighter''': When you gotta do somethin' wrong, you gotta do it right! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2004/09/30/episode-464-victory-for-some-doom-for-others/ 464]]
568
569	-->--
570
571	-> '''Black Mage''': You ever get the feeling that the Universe is a vast, impersonal emptiness that exists only to hurt you?
572	-> '''Red Mage''': Yes. It's how we know the DM is doing his job. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/04/21/episode-543-no-loose-ends/ 543]]
573
574	-->--
575
576	-> '''Ranger''': Your deceptions will not work on me, [[YeOldeButcheredEnglish oh Crimsoned Wizard.]]
577	-> '''Red Mage''': Lies are all I have, really.
578	-> '''Black Mage''': ''(Pinned to a tree by arrows)'' By the way, ignoring me is really '''[[{{Pun}} stuck up]]''' of you, and I'd know it. Seriously though, I'm not so n'''[[{{Pun}} arrow]]''' minded to hold that against you guys.
579	-> '''Red Mage''': Lies and vaudeville. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/08/30/episode-592-black-mage-is-pining/ 592]]
580
581	-->--
582
583	-> '''Black Mage''': And what can we expect to find here?
584	-> '''Red Mage''': An assortment of horrors that will peel back sheet of sanity coating this world from the other and you babbling and empty.
585	-> '''Black Mage''': So, same crap, different day?
586	-> '''Red Mage''': I like my way better.
587
588	-->--
589
590	-> '''Giant Zombie Dragon''': You must be more than the sum of your parts. You must transcend individuality. You must each become the other. Only in this way will you defeat the final ordeal set before you. \
591	'''Black Mage''': Oh, God dammit. I knew this whole thing was going to turn into a hippy love-in friendship hug-a-thon. \
592	'''Red Mage''': So what is the final ordeal? 'Cause if it's liking each other, we are boned.\
593	'''Giant Zombie Dragon''': The ordeal of defeating a Giant Zombie Dragon, natch!\
594	'''Fighter''': ''I'' like you guys. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/11/08/episode-621-throw-me-a-bone-dragon/ 621]]
595
596	-->--
597
598	-> '''Thief''': I have come to a realization. Dragons are not real in a general sense, but they may exist in certain specific cases. \
599	'''Fighter''': [[SmartBall Like how quantum mechanics describes how subatomic particles can spontaneously pop into existence at random!]] \
600	'''Thief''': No, that's stupid and stop making up words. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2005/12/13/episode-634-you-were-right/ 634]]
601
602	-->--
603
604
605	-> '''Red Mage''': You're going to slice Black Mage out of there with surgeon-like precision. Right?
606	-> '''Fighter''': Right. Assuming surgeons are those guys who hack at trees with chainsaws. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/02/09/episode-659-my-new-sword-technique-is-unstoppable/ 659]]
607
608	-->--
609
610	-> '''Black Mage''' ''[On a monster the Light Warriors encountered]'': Anything that ugly wants to die.
611	-> '''Fighter''': Aww. I think he's cute.
612	-> '''Black Mage''': You said that about every monster so far!
613	-> '''Fighter''': But lookit 'im. He's so ''fat''. Kinda like you, Black Mage. And that weasel-like expression. You ''know'' he's needlessly antagonistic to the other fat little monsters to compensate for his poor self-image. Like you, Black Mage!
614	-> '''Black Mage''': I was wrong. Anything that ugly wants you to die. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/02/23/episode-665-analysis/ 665]]
615
616	-->--
617
618
619	-> '''Thief''': Where's Red Mage?
620	-> '''Black Mage''': He's diligently working to get us off this island. (...)
621	-> '''Thief''': You know he's Red Mage, right? We'll be lucky if he doesn't destroy the island and claim success because we're no longer ''on'' it. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/03/16/episode-673-the-merits-of-the-majestic-chocobo/ 673]]
622
623	-->--
624
625	-> '''Red Mage''': Behold the fruits of ''Genius''!
626	-> '''Black Mage''': I'll behold anything as long as your pants stay on. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/03/23/episode-676-supernatural-selection/ 676]]
627
628	-->--
629
630	-> '''Black Mage''': Do we have any idea ''where'' we're going? \
631	'''Fighter''': Of course. The ''sea shrine'', duh. \
632	'''Black Mage''': You could have said 'Valhalla' and that'd be an equally useless answer because ''we don't know where that is either.'' [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/07/22/episode-723-under-the-sea/ 723]]
633
634	-->--
635
636	-> '''Thief''': Since things can't possibly get any worse, Red Mage, we turn to you.
637	-> '''Red Mage''': Prepare to be proven wrong! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/10/07/episode-753-day-of-the-tentacle/ 753]]
638
639	-->--
640
641
642	-> '''Thief''': If he ''was'' still in the forest, I'd know it and he'd be dead, and I'd have our money back, and then I'd come here and lie about it. \
643	'''Black Mage''': So how do I know that you're not lying now? \
644	'''Thief''': Have fun figuring that out. \
645	'''Fighter''': Ooh, ooh ooh! I can do this ''easy''! \
646	'''Black Mage''': Why? Why have you done this to me? \
647	'''Thief''': You tried to ''kill'' me. A lot and often. \
648	'''Black Mage''': Clearly, I didn't kill you ''enough''. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/12/09/episode-780-brain-teaser/ 780]]
649
650	-->--
651
652	-> '''Red Mage''': How can we be ''sure'' Black Mage survived [being shot from the cannon]?
653	-> '''Jeff''': Survived? Well, uh. You don't know he ''didn't'' survive.
654	-> '''Fighter''': That proves he's okay, me next!
655	-> '''Red Mage''': Hold it. I'll need more proof than a logical fallacy.
656	-> '''Jeff''': Okay. In a recent poll, it was found that 100% of Jeffs were very handsome and thought that Black Mage survived. Why don't you? Is it because you're ugly?
657	-> '''Red Mage''': That's enough logical fallacies to convince me. Black Mage is fine. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2006/12/19/episode-784-this-is-canon/ 784]]
658
659	-->--
660
661	-> '''Black Mage''': Yeah, we've got an idiom too. \
662	'''Fighter''': Hiya. \
663	'''Black Mage''': Idiom. I ''said'' idiom.\
664	'''Fighter''': Idiot, Black Mage. It is pronounced 'idiot'.\
665	'''Black Mage''': [[VisibleSilence ....]] [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/02/06/episode-805-old-news/ 805]]
666
667	-->--
668
669	-> '''Thief''': We start a nice, friendly conversation. Then, '''bam''', the mugging.
670	-> '''Black Mage''': And ''then'' urinating.
671	-> * BeatPanel*
672	-> '''Black Mage''': ''What?'' I gotta go!
673	-> '''Thief''': And, what, do you need a ''victim''?
674	-> '''Black Mage''': It just feels like I'm wasting my time if someone isn't hurt. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/02/08/episode-806-relief/ 806]]
675
676	-->--
677
678	-> '''Black Mage''' ''[on Red Mage]'': Why do we listen to Dork Mage? What has he ever done for us that worked?
679	-> '''Fighter''': He makes a killer salad.
680	-> '''Thief''': He's a wiz at laundry too. Look how clean my little ninja booties are.
681	-> '''Black Mage''': Yes, okay, fine. But salads and footwear do not decisive tactical thinking make! What's he ever done for us that was of any actual value?
682	-> '''Red Mage''': My strategems defeated all three Fiends thus far faced, and I'm the one who discovered how our class changes work.
683	-> * BeatPanel ''(BM is clearly enraged)'' *
684	-> '''Black Mage''': Today. What has he done for us today!
685	-> '''Thief''': He's pissed you off, that's ''always'' aces in my book. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/02/24/episode-812-and-he-has-a-lovely-singing-voice/ 812]]
686
687	-->--
688
689	-> '''Red Mage''': Okay. I'm tired of misunderstandings we keep having with these people, so we're going to try something new.
690	-> '''Black Mage''': This thing where we haven't already killed everyone here? ''That's'' something new, and I do ''not'' approve.
691	-> '''Red Mage''': That was just a fluke... that never stopped. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/03/22/episode-823-half-of-a-good-idea/ 823]]
692
693	-->--
694
695	-> '''Red Mage''': What happened to us? Sidequests used to fall into our laps. Now everyone mistakes us for clowns or perverts.
696	-> '''Black Mage''': Well, to be fair, that's not so much incorrect as imprecise. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/03/24/episode-824-making-friends/ 824]]
697
698	-->--
699
700	-> '''"Legitimate Businessman"''': There were warning vis a vis your that your legs would be ''very'' broken should you not come back alone.\
701	'''Fighter''': [sadly] Aw, Kicky and Standy? But I love those guys. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/03/31/episode-827-breaking-up-is-hard-to-do/ 827]]
702
703	-->--
704
705	-> '''Black Mage''': If [the law-ninjas] were dead, how did they know when to deploy? Hell, how have they been following us? \
706	'''Thief''': They are ''exceptionally'' well trained. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/05/15/episode-846-ninja-chow/ 846]]
707
708	-->--
709
710	-> '''Fighter''': ''{sees a pile of dead guards}'' Why are these people sleeping?
711	-> '''Black Mage''': Er, uh, because they are tired?
712	-> '''Fighter''': ''{sees a pile of burning Law Ninja}'' Why are '''these''' people on fire?
713	-> '''Black Mage''': Ah.
714	-> '''Red Mage''': ''{whispering}'' You are the worst mass murderer I have ever met.
715	-> '''Thief''': ''{whispering}'' Seriously, hiding the bodies is as important as the murder.
716	-> '''Black Mage''': Um, they were cold? [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/05/24/episode-850-no-loose-ends/ 850]]
717
718	-->--
719
720	-> '''Black Mage''': I'm so mad I could... I could... I could... Tinkle! Excuse me.
721	-> '''Thief''': Okay, what's worse? That anger makes him urinate, or that he calls it ''tinkle''?
722	-> '''Red Mage''': With Black Mage, it's really a menagerie of horrors. I can't even keep track any more.
723
724	-> '''Black Mage''': Die, Ants, Die!
725	-> '''Thief''': Is he...
726	-> '''Red Mage''': He likes to have victims.
727	-> '''Thief''': It must take a ''tremendous'' amount of energy to be that unnecessarily ''creepy''.
728
729	-> '''Black Mage''': I killed things. I feel better.
730	-> '''Thief''': Big deal, they were bugs.
731	-> '''Black Mage''': Putting them on your level, yes.
732	-> '''Red Mage''': Just promise to murder me with your pants on.
733	-> '''Black Mage''': I promise '''nothing'''. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/08/09/episode-878-vg-mages/ 878]]
734
735	-->--
736
737	-> '''Red Mage''': I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think we may have doomed all creation.
738	-> '''Black Mage''': We're ahead of schedule or...? [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/11/08/episode-917-let-sleeping-dragons-lie/ 917]]
739
740	-->--
741
742	-> '''Red Mage''': Well, look, [Muffin] doesn't suspect anything. We can all rush in there and slay her face off. She won't know what hit her. Dragons are slow lumbering beasts.
743	-> '''Dragoon''': Oh, heavens no. Dragons are as the ''wind''! They can only be considered slow if you completely ignore objective reality.
744	-> '''Red Mage''': Done! Who's with me? [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2007/11/17/episode-921-superior-strategy/ 921]]
745
746	-->--
747
748	-> '''Thief''': Red Mage, this is ''the worst'' plan yet in your lifetime filled with nothing ''but'' the worst plans.
749	-> '''Red Mage''': It will work, I ''guarantee'' it!
750	-> '''Black Mage''': It starts at the impossible before moving on to the ''even more'' impossibler.
751	-> '''Red Mage''': Precisely! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/01/12/episode-941-its-a-compliment/ 941]]
752
753	-->--
754
755	-> '''Black Mage''': I'm the ''caster'', y'know! It's like I'm [[GlassCannon a cannon made out of glass]]. Like a... Y'know, like a dainty figurine so ornately decorated you can't image how something so fragile manages to exist in this brutal, ugly world... And it makes you ''weep''. I've got something in ''[[SandInMyEyes my eye]]''! ''[Runs away]'' \
756	'''Red Mage''': I... would've just stuck with ''glass cannon'', probably.\
757	'''Thief''': That was weirder than it had to be.\
758	'''Red Mage''': And yet, par for the course. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/04/10/episode-977-moving-as-hell/ 977]]
759
760	-->--
761
762	-> '''Stone Dragon''': Blarg! I'm a dragon! \
763	'''Stone Dragons''': [[ActuallyFourMooks Or twelve!]]\
764	'''Red Mage''': Impossible! Only a maximum of nine enemies may be onscreen! \
765	'''Stone Dragons''': Fuck you.\
766	'''Red Mage''': ''Run''. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/06/10/episode-1003-not-up-to-code/ 1003]]
767
768	-->--
769
770	-> '''Red Mage''': So, we're surrounded by dragons.\
771	'''Thief''': On the bright side, as a '''ninja''', I can just be outta here.\
772	'''Black Mage''': Yeah, that helps the team.\
773	'''Thief''': It helps '''[[ItsAllAboutMe part]]''' of the team.\
774	'''Fighter''': That is totally true! [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2008/06/19/episode-1007-follow-the-destructions/ 1007]]
775
776	-->--
777
778	-> '''Thief''': Turns out the Dark Warriors ''and'' the fiends want us dead.
779	-> '''Red Mage''': What?
780	-> '''Thief''': Yeah, I don't get it either. Something about revenge for ''ruining'' their lives forever.
781	-> '''Black Mage''': [[ButForMeItWasTuesday Oh, we've ruined millions of lives. They're just being babies about it]]. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/04/25/episode-1121-loose-lips-sink-light-warriors/ 1121]]
782
783	-->--
784
785	-> '''Sarda''': It's my fault you people kill and cheat your way through your miserable lives?
786	-> '''Thief''': Killing and cheating is all we're good at.
787	-> '''Black Mage''': ''And'' infighting. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/04/episode-1136-that-is-not-a-predictive-model/ 1136]]
788
789	-->--
790
791	-> '''Red Mage''': We have to put aside [[DividedWeFall our hatred and overriding desire to destroy one another]] and [[TeethClenchedTeamwork work together]]!
792	-> '''Thief''': That's easy. Suppressing that stuff is the ''only'' way we've gotten through every single day since we met. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/09/episode-1138-use-your-words/ 1138]]
793
794	-->--
795
796	-> '''Red Mage''': Would you rather be killed by Sarda or by your beloved friends? \
797	'''Black Mage''': ''Neither!'' Also, I hate you guys.\
798	'''Red Mage''': Hate is a kind of love. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/06/25/episode-1144-pyrrhic-for-some/ 1144]]
799
800	-->--
801
802	-> '''Thief''' ''[On Red Mage's plan to defeat Sarda]'': Well, ignoring the highly suspect part where Fighter can block ethereal energy... and the more suspect part where ''you'' have to cast every spell at once... and the grossly suspect part where I have to dodge ''explosions'' while I'm ''in'' them... there's the ''most'' suspect part of all where Black Mage can hit what he wants to.
803	-> '''Black Mage''': I get eager.
804	-> '''Red Mage''': Doubting every step of the plan is no reason to doubt the plan itself.
805	-> '''Thief''': No, it's the ''best reason'' to doubt it.
806	-> '''Red Mage''': Look, so much can go wrong before the thing you're most worried about has a chance to go wrong that it's not even worth worrying about, is it? [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/07/04/episode-1148-nearly-every-contingency/ 1148]]
807
808	-->--
809
810	-> '''Thief''': I completely, seriously intend to do my part. To kill you all.
811	-> '''Red Mage''': Oh, Black Mage. Stop ''gawking''. It's just a speech impediment, not a ''second head'' growing out of his neck.
812	-> '''Black Mage''': Telling ''the truth'' isn't a speech impediment, Red Mage.
813	-> '''Red Mage''': But it kinda ''is'' with us. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/08/06/episode-1159-fml/ 1159]]
814
815	-->--
816
817	-> '''Sarda''': I was going to give you the ''illusion'' of a fighting chance, but now I'd ''rather'' your final moments were ones of complete ''despair''.
818	-> '''Black Mage''': Mission accomplished, Sarda!
819	-> '''Sarda''': I haven't done it yet.
820	-> '''Black Mage''': Oh. Fuck. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/09/12/episode-1172-portents/ 1172]]
821
822	-->--
823
824	-> '''Red Mage''': The idea was that we could delay the final battle until we leveled ''back up'', when actually we'd just ignore Chaos until the heat death of the Universe. And then, y'know, not our problem. But then he argued me down from infinity to 24 hours.
825	-> '''Black Mage''': That's less than ideal.
826	-> '''Red Mage''': He had a better bargaining position since he's all-powerful.
827	-> '''Black Mage''': Excuses, excuses. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/10/22/episode-1187-team-building-exercise-99/ 1187]]
828
829	-->--
830
831
832	-> '''Thief''': If we already had a real faerie, then why would we tear its wings off only to glue them on a baby that we'd have to steal? \
833	'''Black Mage''': To inflict the most harm in the least time, ''duh''. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/11/12/episode-1190-the-most-complete-quest-ever/ 1190]]
834
835	-->--
836
837	->'''Red Mage''': Maybe we're trying too hard.
838	->'''Thief''': We've '''never''' done that and you goddamn know it. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/11/17/episode-1192-closure/ 1192]]
839
840	-->--
841
842	-> '''Black Mage''': What I learned today is that really old wizards don't get that way by being easy to kill.\
843	'''Thief''': So, you didn't get any spells?\
844	'''Black Mage''': In the sense that getting ''stabbed'' gives you a blade, man I got spells.\
845	'''Thief''': Okay. I trust tweedledum and tweedleugly are done ''wasting'' our time?\
846	'''Red Mage''': Which--\
847	'''Thief''': Sshh. It doesn't matter. Let's take a walk on the thief side. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2009/12/08/episode-1201-the-thing-about-wizards-is/ 1201]]
848
849	-->--
850
851	-> '''Red Mage''': I can't decide if this is unfair or exactly what we deserve for being, well y'know, us. \
852	'''Thief''': Technically, we're just riding a wave to its inevitable crash. It's the whole rest of the world that's getting unfairly punished. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2010/01/14/episode-1210-early-mourning/ 1210]]
853
854	-->--
855
856	-> '''White Mage''': You are ''powerless'', Chaos.\
857	'''Chaos''': No, I'm the opposite of that. [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2010/03/09/episode-1223-make-the-truth/ 1223]]
858
859	-->--
860
861	-> '''Fighter''': Y'know what we should do?\
862	'''Black Mage''': Oh, '''''this'll''''' be good! What? '''''What''''' should we do?\
863	'''Fighter''': We never did find that Armor of Invincibility... [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2010/06/01/the-epilogue/ 1225/Epilogue, final lines of the comic]]
864
865	![[WordOfGod Brian Clevinger]]
866
867	->Cop out and let down? Anyone surprised the Light Warriors had their hopes dashed demonstrates an amazing ability to miss a point made over 1,200 times.
868	-->--[[http://www.nuklearforums.com/showpost.php?p=1028523&postcount=9 commenting on]] [[http://www.nuklearpower.com/2010/03/20/episode-1224-a-legend-is-born/ the penultimate 8-Bit Theater strip]].
869
870	->''8-bit Theater'' was a webcomic by Brian Clevinger (hi) that ran from 2001 to 2009. It was about four [[VillainProtagonist murder hobos]] pretending to be heroes of destiny who were foretold to save the world from a great evil, but it turns out ''they're'' the great evil.\
871	Actually, that's not canonical, just implied over and over. What the hell, it's 2021, you can't stop me, '''''IT'S CANONICAL NOW.'''''\
872	Anyway. ''8BT'' was a hit of early 2000s webcomicry, so it was about video games. Superficially, it was about ''VideoGame/FinalFantasyI'' released for the Platform/NintendoEntertainmentSystem in 1987. But, ''slightly'' deeper than superficially, it was about video games as a whole, tabletop gaming, nerd stuff generally, film, history, philosophy, politics, a ''lot'' of [[BlackComedy cartoonish ultra-violence]], and thousands of art crimes that made it impossible to ever print. Until now!\
873	Readers have asked about a print edition for year and years. What I usually tell them is that I don't want to get [[ScrewedByTheLawyers sued by the brilliant and attractive lawyers at Square-Enix]] because ''that'' distracts from the fact that I [[SelfDeprecation rather idiotically produced]] ''every single page'' at 72dpi. For those of you who aren't in publishing: generally speaking you want at least 300dpi for print. So, even if we ''could'' print them we ''can't'' print them.\
874	But what we ''can'' do is make '''a complete script book compendium (no sprites do not sue)''' containing freshly typed scripts for all 1,224 comics and the Epilogue! But that's not all. I'm [[FixItInPost fixing typos and grammar]], [[AcquiredErrorAtThePrinter messing up new typos and grammer]], producing all-new commentary, including behind-the-scenes tidbits, adding insights into my process, and tucking extra jokes into the panel descriptions!\
875	In short it's '''the''' ultimate ''8-bit Theater'' print collection. And this is '''YOUR ONLY CHANCE TO GET IT'''. We're limiting the print run to whatever you folks buy. I mean, we'll make a ''few'' extra [[GenreSavvy to account for potential shipping mishaps because that's gonna happen to someone]]. '''BUT IF YOU DON'T GET ONE OF THESE RIGHT NOW THEN YOU NEVER WILL!''' Think of it like an NFT [[TakeThat without the forest fire]].
876	-->--[[https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/bclev/8-bit-theater-20th-anniversary-book-wait-20-years-son-of-a 20th Anniversary Book]] Kickstarter
877

Context Quotes / EightBitTheater