Line #1 Funny/TheRickyGervaisShow


1	* The first edition of Monkey News, where Karl recounts the (heavily embellished) tale of the first monkey in space. Hilarity ensues.
2	-->'''Ricky''': They wouldn't let the monkey launch the rocket! THEY WOULDN'T LET A MONKEY LAUNCH THE ROCKET INTO SPACE, YOU IDIOT!
3	* Karl talking about [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=i6bVFzJbLCY#t=1033 how he sat in the garden for 15 minutes just drooling on the grass]] in the Guide to the World Cup. Ricky almost suffered a disbelief-inspired ''meltdown.''
4	* Karl thinking that someday medical science would allow people to be just a "[[BrainInAJar head with a bunch of wires coming out of it]]" and there should be a TV show about it called ''[[ForScience Look What We Can Do With Science]]''.
5	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fEpaYk0eT4U "Did I tell you about the immune system?"]] It takes Steve ''three tries'' to get through it without cracking up.
6	* Karl telling a story about an old man he was talking to wearing pink shorts while on vacation. Ricky questions why Karl was so focused on the man's shorts, and Karl tries to explain that the man's story was boring and he was trying to focus on something else, causing Ricky to crack a few jokes about Karl staring at the man's crotch area. It's one of the few times where Karl actually laughs.
7	-->'''Ricky:''' I made Karl laugh!
8	* Karl receiving a junk mail letter that misspelled his last name (Pilkington) as "Dilkington" Ricky laughs so hard that he's left gasping for breath. Not only that, but Steve needed two attempts at getting the 'punchline' out.
9	-->"Dear Mr. K. Dilkington, You are [[BlatantLies one of our most valued customers]]." I threw it in the bin.
10	* Stephen's ill-fated vacation to Brazil. On the first day, he lost his glasses and nearly drowned while trying to urinate in the ocean. As he waved for help after getting back to shore, he realized that not only were his friends and a bunch of beautiful women laughing at him, they were laughing at him ''after his shorts were pulled off by a strong current.'' The next day was spent in the hospital with a foot infection and the one after that was spent [[PottyEmergency having diarrhea.]]
11	-->"There were so many beautiful women in Rio, it actually made me ''angry!''"
12	* The first reading from Karl's diary when he describes a trip to Gran Canaria.
13	-->"I have never seen so many cross-eyed people in one location."
14	-->"Everyone sat and watched one of the local cats lick its bollocks."
15	-->"Woke up to news about ducks being badly treated. There was a really ugly one with bent legs."
16	-->"Old men's ears and noses keep growing as they get older. Suzanne noticed that his fingers were fat too. Maybe they continued to grow. Suzanne didn't laugh when I said her arse had the same problem."
17	* Karl giving his top 5 predictions of the future in "The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The Future" (also in season 2, episode 8 of the animated series). The predictions are all insane, but Ricky's reactions to them are hilarious themselves. By the time they're halfway through, Ricky is so out of his mind that he starts babbling in between fits of laughter.
18	-->"I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die... They used to say, an apple a day... keeps the doctor away... THEY USED TO '''SAAAAAY!!''' ... They used to say pull your trousers up, now they're saying put them down, you cunt... I'VE NEVER HEARD SUCH FUCKING DRIVEL!!"
19	** Immediately followed by Ricky ''falling out of his chair.''
20	** Another of Karl's predictions:
21	--->'''Karl:''' I think we'll blend... all our food.
22	--->'''Ricky:''' ''(screams with laughter)'' I honestly thought he was gonna say something [[InTheFutureHumansWillBeOneRace about race]]!
23	* Karl's idea for a movie ''The Love Of Two Brains'' starring Rebecca de Mornay (who at the time had been retired from acting for fifteen years) and Clive Warren (who doesn't exist!). And though they know who Karl meant to say, (Clive Owens) Ricky and Steve insist on treating Clive Warren as a real person:
24	-->'''Ricky:''' If I know Clive Warren...
25	-->'''Steve:''' And I think you do!
26	* The opening discussion about a poison dart frog with enough poison in its body to kill a thousand people. Karl's first response is to ask [[LiteralMinded why it's so annoyed.]]
27	-->'''Karl:''' ...well, who eats frogs?
28	-->'''Stephen:''' The French!
29	-->'''Ricky:''' ''(laughs)'' And then they go ''(in terrible French accent)'' "Sacré bleu! You have killed me and 999 of my friends!"
30	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xz88x0mm9Q Man-moths?]]
31	* Karl recounting that the only entertainment to be had as a kid during one family vacation was a calculator. Ricky and Stephen blow it out of proportion into a kind of [[CargoShip lifelong relationship]] shared by the two.
32	* In the third season, Karl calmly explains that you can [[WouldHurtAChild throw a baby out of the window]] and it won't get hurt, followed by Ricky and Steve explaining that ''you don't throw things out of the window!''
33	* Karl describes his hypothetical marriage to a World War 2 soldier in bizarrely specific detail. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=37iJ57UntsA Ricky's reaction]] is priceless. If you listen closely, you can hear the impact of ''Ricky's chair hitting the floor.''
34	-->'''Ricky:''' ''(hysterical laughter)'' That's one of the weirdest fucking scenarios I've ever heard! Why the fuck was the telegram coming before the letter? So specific! "It wasn't like Harry", ''who the fuck's Harry?!'' ''(more hysterical laughter)''
35	** The best part was the fact that Karl seemed to have fully developed this soldier husband right down to the fact that he wasn't romantic at all;
36	-->'''Ricky:''' So.. What, didn't he whisper sweet nothings in your ear?
37	-->'''Karl:''' Nah, he was just like '''"get your knickers off!"'''.
38	-->'''Ricky:''' ''(absolutely loses his shit)''
39	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9bcmQNBXjg4 The entire "Guy Who Looks Like]] Creator/TomCruise" scene. Ricky and Steve can't stop laughing.
40	-->'''Ricky''': ''Film/MissionImpossible 8''! Starring the bone and skin and stuff of Creator/TomCruise but with Bryan's brain!
41	-->'''Steve''': Creator/TomCruise as Creator/TedDanson as Bryan as Creator/TomCruise as Ethan Hunt in Film/MissionImpossible 8?
42	* "What are those things in ''Film/{{Gremlins}}'' called?"
43	* On the XFM show, Steve reacts to one of Karl's Monkey News segments by declaring that they should hold him down and rub Ricky's nipples on Karl's lips. Then they proceed to do it while Steve announces the next track, with Karl's protests getting more and more muffled.
44	* Ricky and Karl's hypothetical argument over placing laws on safety helmets, which excalates to Karl the "President Of Society" coldly snarking at Ricky's two hypothetical children who are blaming him for their father dying in an accident, all while trying to sound as cute and heartbroken as possible.
45	* From the XFM show, [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5LKW-0VvjH0 Ricky and Steve's incredulous reaction]] ("NOOOOOOO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?") to Karl suggesting that Chinese people don't age well, followed in the next show by Karl's music quiz (where several tunes are mashed together) "I know you're just sixteen, but looking all of twenty one... That's because... Chinese... Look...''Older''" Made even funnier with the "Chinese" being taken from the song ''Walking on the Chinese Wall'' by Philip Bailey... where the word is song as "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeseeee".
46	* Ricky recounts a story where a friend of his sent a drawing to ''Series/BluePeter'' for a "Car of the Future" contest. The only "innovation" was that you could defecate while driving. Karl's convinced this isn't an entirely bad idea.
47	-->'''Karl''': I'm sick of playing I-Spy, I'm 'aving a shit.
48	* "You thumped a monkey."
49	* The whole CB radio bit and Steve and Ricky's snarking it's 'secret' codes: "Can I just confirm, you're burning fifteen?"
50	* Karl gets [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iJCaxF1gG50 into a fight over a woman]]... when he was seven. The way he paraphrases the exchange gives the impression that they were both gangsters.
51	-->'''Ricky''': Sorry, two ''[[FromTheMouthsOfBabes seven]]'' year olds? "You're out of order!"
52	-->'''Steve''': "Cut it out! Show her a bit of bloody respect!"
53	-->'''Ricky''': Were you wearing trilbys?
54	-->'''Steve''': He put his cigarette out in the sink and said "Leave it!"
55	-->'''Ricky''': "Get out of my face!"
56	-->'''Karl''': So I just said "Why are you getting involved?"
57	-->'''Ricky''': (laughter) Two seven year olds! "Why are you gettin' involved?" oh God!
58	* "Rita... What?... This time l... I KNOOOW! You were packing fucking socks in a rubber cunting bag!"
59	* Karl tells The Bearded Woman what he thinks; "compared to a fella who got no arms and legs, [[MiseryPoker a bearded woman]]... Get Out!"
60	* In the XFM show, during one game of Rockbusters, Steve decides to award the prizes to a person whose name amused him. Their name? Gerald Preston. Steve thinks the name sounds like a man from a past generation, while it causes Ricky to laugh [[SoUnfunnyItsFunny at how unfunny the name is]].
61	* In the XFM show, Karl has Ricky trying to solve lateral thinking problems. Karl describes a man who every night turns the light ''on'' and then goes to bed, and Ricky must find out why he's turning the light on instead of off. After a few unsuccessful guesses, Ricky finally gets it.
62	-->'''Ricky:''' He's not sleeping on the job as a lighthouse keeper?
63	-->'''Karl:''' ...Well done.
64	-->'''Ricky:''' That's not it, Karl.
65	-->'''Karl:''' He's a lighthouse keeper.
66	-->'''Ricky:''' Right, why wasn't the light on all the time?
67	-->'''Karl:''' [[DumbassHasAPoint Cause it's light in the day.]]
68	-->'''Ricky:''' You idiot, play a record.
69	-->'''Karl:''' What!?
70	-->'''Ricky:''' Play a record. You're a buffoon. ''(Record begins)''
71	-->'''Steve:''' No, actually, the light's- the light isn't on in the day, is it?
72	-->'''Karl:''' No, it's not!
73	-->'''Steve:''' I think ''you're'' the buffoon!
74	-->'''Karl:''' You're- yeah!
75	-->'''Steve:''' ...[[ThrowTheDogABone KARL HAS WON]]!
76	-->'''Karl:''' ''[[OutOfCharacterMoment (Laughs loudly and triumphantly)]]''
77	* Steve asks Karl how far back he can remember. Karl replies that he can remember when he was six, but not earlier, resulting in this exchange.
78	-->'''Ricky:''' You can remember back to about two or three, most people.
79	-->'''Karl:''' No. No way. My mum and dad don't even remember me then.
80	* In the animated series, one of Karl's diary segments mentions him watching a documentary on UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler with Suzanne. The animation for the documentary consists of Hitler shouting and repeatedly making fascist salutes, but the [[FunWithSubtitles subtitles]] reveal that he is actually talking about the launch of the Volkswagen Beetle.
81	-->"What do the German people need? / A car! / A small, affordable car that is... / ... shaped like a powerful bug. / Colorful, cute, and... / ... with the engine in the back! / Yes, I said it. / An engine in the back. / No more junk in the trunk. / What you going to do... / Soon, I will give you... / ... the people's car. / It will have space for two people up front."
82	* Karl tells a story about how he likes to look out his kitchen window while he's washing his dishes at night and how one time he happened to lock eyes with the woman living across the street from him while she was walking in front of her window naked. Karl's idea to make it seem less weird is to even things up by mooning her, so now she's seen some of him too. He even just calmly explains what he's doing when his girlfriend finds him like this.
83	* Karl explaining that he didn't select his eyes as organ donations in case he died because he was worried it would render him blind in the event he came back as a ghost.
84	* Pretty much everything and anything to do with [[MoonLogicPuzzle Rockbusters]]. [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jtSi6_kjQPU Presented here are a highlight of the best bits]]. Some examples:
85	** Ricky’s apoplectic reaction to the clue “A couple were having an argument in the supermarket” being [[Music/{{Bananarama}} Bananadrama]].
86	--->'''Ricky:''' What group is Bananadrama?! [[PunctuatedForEmphasis WHAT GROUP!]] IS BANANADRAMA?!
87	** On the flipside is his reaction of glee to the clue “She’s got her husband’s gloves, and a pair of her own” – [[Music/HermansHermits Her man’s, her mitt’s]]. Accentuated when Steve announces he’s giving the prize to a man named Tom [=McGibbon=] solely because he likes his name.
88	** Several times Ricky announces that [[UnCancelled Rockbusters has been cancelled, only for it to return next week]]. A glorious example comes with the clue “These people from the East Midlands swear a lot” – the answer was Tourettes Trent Derby. It returns next week only to get binned again [[LamePunReaction as a result of this clue]] – “The Scottish fellas can’t get into their emails” – they [[Music/KennyLoggins Cannae Loggins]].
89	** Before answering the clue “Chanel has got a new perfume out” Steve notes that they’ve got an email from a listener claiming that if the answer turned out to be Music/NewOrder, [[TemptingFate he would never listen to XFM again]]. The answer? New Odour. [[StunnedSilence Stunned silence follows]].
90	** Whenever the Jamaican fella appears it’s bound to be gold.
91	*** “Why are them Jamaican fellas swinging fish around their heads?” – Detrout Spinners.
92	*** “The Jamaican fella would love to live there but it’s a bit pricey” – [[Music/DireStraits Dear Streets]]. Gives another great reaction from Ricky.
93	---->'''Ricky:''' Dear Streets, is that a band?
94	---->'''Karl:''' It’s Dire Straits –
95	---->'''Ricky:''' NO IT’S NOT DIRE STRAITS! It’s not Dire Straits!
96	** Karl’s mam tried her hand at some Rockbusters but didn’t quite get the hang of them, with many of the clues not really being cryptic (“Hope you’re not speeding when you meet this people” – The Police, “This band would be good at doing your hair” – The Platters). The nadir though has to be “This man liked his wine” being ''Dean Martin''.
97	-->'''Ricky:''' So no cryptic clue, just a man who drinks.
98	-->'''Steve:''' But isn't there, like, a myriad of rock stars and pop stars who like booze? I don't think anyone would have ever got that.
99	** The Scouse fella being surprised at a robber in his vineyard being [[Music/AmyWinehouse Ay! Me Winehouse!]] Ricky opines that the answer ought to instead be “Ay! Get Out Me Winehouse!”
100	** Perhaps nothing tops the show on June 21st 2003. Arguably the worst (and subsequently funniest) batch of Rockbusters of all time.
101	*** Firstly, “If you go to France by boat, you should buy your fags there because they’ll be a lot cheaper” being Buy On Ferry. Ricky wondered what Karl’s first language was.
102	*** Then there was “That foreign café’s selling its own steak” – Deli Meat Tree. Karl’s resignation at how crap this one was shows.
103	---->'''Karl:''' An’ meat tree an’ that…
104	*** Adding insult to injury was that he said the initial for the band was D instead of DA.
105	*** Capping it all was the glorious return of the Jamaican fella – if the Jamaican fella was on the Titanic he might have yelled “Christ! De berg!” Upon hearing that one, Ricky grabbed Karl's answer sheet and loudly crumpled it up as Steve laughed.
106	* Ricky's [[MotorMouth Motor Mouthed]] attempt to predict the twist of one Monkey News segment.
107	-->'''Karl:''' So she was cycling along, when suddenly-
108	-->'''Ricky:''' Right, okay. I'm gonna stop you there. If a cyclist overtakes her, and is going really fast and is sort of hunched over but it's got like lots of cycling gear on and a helmet and goggles and they can't tell what it is but they just know it's just like a little hairy fella who hasn't bothered shaving his legs, which is weird, innit? 'Cause cyclists usually shave their legs and this bloke had ''really'' hairy legs. But it won, they gave it the medal, it won three years running, they gave it the key to the city, it had its own game show, and then someone said, "Hold on though, this fella's sort of hunched over and he's only 3 foot 5 and his arms are longer than his body...uhhh...[[SuddenlyShouting IT'S A CHIMP!]] If it goes anywhere near that, we're never doing it again.
109	-->'''Karl:''' ''[beat]'' More Monkey News next week?
110	-->'''Ricky:''' ''[bursts out laughing]''
111	** After Karl continues the story...
112	--->'''Karl:''' So anyway, she's cycling along, alright? And uh...this tricycle...
113	--->''[Ricky and Steve burst out laughing]''
114	--->'''Ricky:''' I couldn't predict that!
115	--->'''Steve:''' There's always one element you can never anticipate!
116	* Their roleplay session in which Ricky and Steve play wife and husband and try to adopt a child from Karl. Karl has absolutely no reaction to Steve proclaiming to be a [[MurderersAreRapists rapist/murderer]], Ricky disposing of the bodies, and that they intend to raise their child to be a gay satanist accountant. He just allows them to fill out the form and asks them no questions. Special mention goes to the reason they can't have children biologically: Steve (the husband) [[BodyHorror can only produce one giant sperm at a time instead of a million little ones]] and Ricky (the wife) has BarbieDollAnatomy. Once again, [[UnfazedEveryman Karl pays this no mind.]]
117	* From the early Xfm shows, Steve recounting [[MyNewGiftIsLame how rubbish his father is at buying gifts]]. When Steve was a child, his father once bought him the collected wartime speeches of UsefulNotes/WinstonChurchill. Another year he bought him ''The Making of Thriller'' (Steve had never professed any interest in Music/MichaelJackson and didn't own ''Thriller''). And then there's this anecdote:
118	-->"He phoned me up, he said, 'What shall I get your mother? It's our 20th wedding anniversary. What should I get her?' I said, 'Well I'll tell you this: Why not pay for her to have a makeover? She'll love that. Then take her out, give her a meal and stuff.' He went, 'Okay.' So he hangs up. I speak to him on the day of my mum's birthday. I say, 'What'd you get? What'd you get?' He said, 'I got something.' I said, 'Did you go for the makeover idea?' He went, 'Not exactly.' I went, 'What'd you do?' He went, 'I bought her a trowel.' A ''trowel''. I went, 'A trowel?' He went, 'Yeah, for the garden.' I went, 'It's a ''trowel''. You've been married ''20 years'', and you got her a ''trowel?''[='=] He went, '[[ComicallyMissingThePoint It's stainless steel.]]' I said to him, [='=]''It's a trowel'', Dad.' And he went, '[[ComicallyMissingThePoint Do you think I should've got it engraved?]]'"
119	** "I wonder if there's anything that she regrets in her life?"
120	* This attempt from Ricky to teach Karl an interesting fact about the human body.
121	-->'''Ricky:''' 50,000 cells in your body will die and be replaced by new cells all while you're listening to this sentence.
122	-->''(Beat)''
123	-->'''Karl:''' ...Go on.
124	-->'''Ricky:''' Well that's it.
125	-->'''Karl:''' What's the sentence?
126	-->'''Ricky:''' That ''was'' the sentence.
127	-->''(Beat)''

Context Funny / TheRickyGervaisShow