- Karl talking about how he sat in the garden for 15 minutes just drooling on the grass in the Guide to the World Cup.
- Karl thinking that someday medical science would allow people to be just a "head with a bunch of wires coming out of it" and there should be a TV show about it called Look What We Can Do With Science.
- "Did I tell you about the immune system?" It takes Steve three tries to get through it without cracking up.
- Karl telling a story about an old man he was talking to wearing pink shorts while on vacation. Ricky questions why Karl was so focused on the man's shorts, and Karl tries to explain that the man's story was boring and he was trying to focus on something else causing Ricky to crack a few jokes about Karl staring at the man's crotch area. It's one of the few times where Karl actually laughs.
- Karl's last name (Pilkington) being misspelled as "Dilkington". Ricky's reaction (gasping laughter followed by his usual cackling laughter) to it is priceless. Not only that but Steve needed two attempts at getting the 'punchline' out.
- Stephen's experiences on the beach in Rio, and in the line of a nightclub.
"There were so many beautiful women in Rio, it actually made me angry!"
- The first reading from Karl's diary, when he describes a trip to Gran Canaria.
"Everyone sat and watched one of the local cats lick its bollocks."
- Karl giving his top 5 predictions of the future in "The Ricky Gervais Guide to... The Future" (also in season 2, episode 8 of the animated series). The predictions are all insane, but Ricky's reactions to them are hilarious themselves. By the time they're halfway through, Ricky is so out of his mind he starts babbling in between fits of laughter.
"I'm gonna die... I'm gonna die... They used to say, an apple a day... keeps the doctor away... THEY USED TO SAAAAAY!! ... They used to say pull your trousers up, now they're saying put them down, you cunt... I've never heard such fucking drivel..."
- Immediately followed by Ricky falling off his chair.
- Another of Karl's predictions:
Karl: I think we'll blend... all our food.
Ricky: (screams with laughter) I honestly thought he was gonna say something about race!
- Karl's idea for a movie The Love Of Two Brains starring the non-existent Clive Warren. And though they know who Karl meant to say, Ricky and Steve insist on treating Clive Warren as a real person:
Ricky: If I know Clive Warren...
Steve: And I think you do!
- When talking about a poison dart frog with enough poison in its body to kill a thousand people:
Karl: ...well, who eats frogs?
Stephen: The French!
Ricky: (laughs) And then they go (in terrible French accent) "Sacré bleu! You have killed me and 999 of my friends!"
- In the third season, Karl calmly explains that you can throw a baby out of the window and it won't get hurt, followed by Ricky and Steve explaning that you don't throw things out of the window!
- Karl describes his hypothetical marriage to a World War 2 soldier in bizarrely specific detail. Ricky's reaction is priceless:
Ricky: (hysterical laughter) That's one of the weirdest fucking scenarios I've ever heard! Why the fuck was the telegram coming before the letter? So specific! "It wasn't like Harry", who the fuck's Harry?! (more hysterical laughter)
- The best part was the fact that Karl seemed to have fully developed this soldier husband right down to the fact that he wasn't romantic at all;
Ricky: So.. What, didn't he whisper sweet nothings in your ear?
Karl: Nah, he was just like "get your knickers off!".
- The entire "Guy Who Looks Like Tom Cruise" scene. Ricky and Steve can't stop laughing.
- "What are those things in Gremlins called?"
- On the XFM show, Steve reacts to one of Karl's Monkey News segments by declaring that they should hold him down and rub Ricky's nipples on Karl's lips. Then they proceed to do it while Steve announces the next track, with Karl's protests getting more and more muffled.
- Ricky and Karl's hypothetical argument over placing laws on safety helmets, which excalates to Karl the "President Of Society" coldly snarking at Ricky's two hypothetical children who are blaming him for their father dying in an accident, all while trying to sound as cute and heartbroken as possible.
- From the XFM show, Ricky and Steve's incredulous reaction ("NOOOOOOO!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?") to Karl suggesting that Chinese people don't age well, followed in the next show by Karl's music quiz (where several tunes are mashed together) "I know you're just sixteen, but looking all of twenty one... That's because... Chinese... Look...Older"
- Made even funnier with the "Chinese" being taken from the song Walking on the Chinese Wall by Philip Bailey... where the word is song as "Chiiiiiiiiiiiiineeeeeeeeeeseeee".
- The car of the future, with in car toilet: "I'm sick of playing I-Spy, I'm 'aving a shit!"
- "You thumped a monkey."
- The whole CB radio bit and Steve and Ricky's snarking it's 'secret' codes: "Can I just confirm, you're burning fifteen?"
- Karl gets into a fight over a woman... when he was seven.
: Sorry, two seven
year olds? "You're out of order!"
Steve: "Cut it out! Show her a bit of bloody respect!"
Ricky: Were you wearing trilbys?
Steve: He put his cigarette out in the sink and said "Leave it!"
Ricky: "Get out of my face!"
Karl: So I just said "Why are you getting involved?"
Ricky: (laughter) Two seven year olds! "Why are you gettin' involved?" oh God!
- "Rita... What?... This time l... I KNOOOW! You were packing fucking socks in a rubber-cunting bag!"
- Karl tells The Bearded Woman what he thinks; "compared to a fella who got no arms and legs, a bearded woman... Get Out!"
- In the XFM show, during one game of Rockbusters, Steve decides to award the prizes to a person whose name amused him. Their name? Gerald Preston. Steve thinks the name sounds like a man from a past generation, while it causes Ricky to laugh at how unfunny the name is.
- In the XFM show, Karl has Ricky trying to solve lateral thinking problems. Karl describes a man who every night turns the light on and then goes to bed, and Ricky must find out why he's turning the light on instead of off. After a few unsuccessful guesses, Ricky finally gets it.
Ricky: He's not sleeping on the job as a lighthouse keeper?
Karl: ...Well done.
Ricky: That's not it, Karl.
Karl: He's a lighthouse keeper.
Ricky: Right, why wasn't the light on all the time?
Ricky: You idiot, play a record.
Ricky: Play a record. You're a buffoon. (Record begins)
Steve: No, actually, the light's- the light isn't on in the day, is it?
Karl: No, it's not!
Steve: I think you're the buffoon!
Karl: You're- yeah!
- Steve asks Karl how far back he can remember. Karl replies that he can remember when he was six, but not earlier, resulting in this exchange.
Ricky: You can remember back to about two or three, most people.
Karl: No. No way. My mum and dad don't even remember me then.
- In the animated series, one of Karl's diary segments mentions him watching a documentary on Adolf Hitler with Suzanne. The animation for the documentary consists of Hitler shouting and repeatedly making fascist salutes, but the subtitles reveal that he is actually talking about the launch of the Volkswagen Beetle.
"What do the German people need? / A car! / A small, affordable car that is... / ... shaped like a powerful bug. / Colorful, cute, and... / ... with the engine in the back! / Yes, I said it. / An engine in the back. / No more junk in the trunk. / What you going to do... / Soon, I will give you... / ... the people's car. / It will have space for two people up front."
- Karl tells a story about how he likes to look out his kitchen window while he's washing his dishes at night and how one time he happened to lock eyes with the woman living across the street from him while she was walking in front of her window naked. Karl's idea to make it seem less weird is to even things up by mooning her, so now she's seen some of him too. He even just calmly explains what he's doing when his girlfriend finds him like this.
- Karl explaining that he didn't select his eyes as organ donations in case he died because he was worried it would render him blind in the event he came back as a ghost.
- Pretty much everything and anything to do with Rockbusters. Presented here are a highlight of the best bits. Some examples:
- Ricky’s apoplectic reaction to the clue “A couple were having an argument in the supermarket” being Bananadrama.
What group is Bananadrama?! WHAT GROUP!
- On the flipside is his reaction of glee to the clue “She’s got her husband’s gloves, and a pair of her own” – Her man’s, her mitt’s.
- Accentuated when Steve announces he’s giving the prize to a man named Tom McGibbon solely because he likes his name.
- Several times Ricky announces that Rockbusters has been cancelled, only for it to return next week. A glorious example comes with the clue “These people from the East Midlands swear a lot” – the answer was Tourettes Trent Derby.
- Before answering the clue “Chanel has got a new perfume out” Steve notes that they’ve got an email from a listener claiming that if the answer turned out to be New Order, he would never listen to XFM again. The answer? New Odour. Stunned silence follows.
- Whenever the Jamaican fella appears it’s bound to be gold.
- “Why are them Jamaican fellas swinging fish around their heads?” – Detrout Spinners.
- “The Jamaican fella would love to live there but it’s a bit pricey” – Dear Streets. Gives another great reaction from Ricky.
Ricky: Dear Streets, is that a band?
Karl: It’s Dire Straits –
Ricky: NO IT’S NOT DIRE STRAITS! It’s not Dire Straits!
- Karl’s mam tried her hand at some Rockbusters but didn’t quite get the hang of them, with many of the clues not really being cryptic (“Hope you’re not speeding when you meet this people” – The Police, “This band would be good at doing your hair” – The Platters). The nadir though has to be “This man liked his wine” being Dean Martin.
- The Scouse fella being surprised at a robber in his vineyard being Ay! Me Winehouse! Ricky opines that the answer ought to instead be “Ay! Get Out Me Winehouse!”
- Perhaps nothing tops the show on June 21st 2003. Arguably the worst (and subsequently funniest) batch of Rockbusters of all time.
- Firstly, “If you go to France by boat, you should buy your fags there because they’ll be a lot cheaper” being Buy On Ferry. Ricky wondered what Karl’s first language was.
- Then there was “That foreign café’s selling its own steak” – Deli Meat Tree. Karl’s resignation at how crap this one was shows.
An’ meat tree an’ that…
- Adding insult to injury was that he said the initial for the band was D instead of DA.
- Capping it all was the glorious return of the Jamaican fella – if the Jamaican fella was on the Titanic he might have yelled “Christ! De berg!”
- Ricky's Motor Mouthed attempt to predict the twist of one Monkey News segment.
Karl: So she was cycling along, when suddenly-
Right, okay. I'm gonna stop you there. If a cyclist overtakes her, and is going really fast and is sort of hunched over but it's got like lots of cycling gear on and a helmet and goggles and they can't tell what it is but they just know it's just like a little hairy fella who hasn't bothered shaving his legs, which is weird, innit? 'Cause cyclists usually shave their legs and this bloke had really
hairy legs. But it won, they gave it the medal, it won three years running, they gave it the key to the city, it had its own game show, and then someone said, "Hold on though, this fella's sort of hunched over and he's only 3 foot 5 and his arms are longer than his body...uhhh IT'S A CHIMP!
If it goes anywhere near that, we're never doing it again.
Karl: [beat] More Monkey News next week?
Ricky: [bursts out laughing]