Line #14 Funny/SisterAct


1	!!The first movie
2	* This exchange.
3	-->'''Reverend Mother''': There are three vows every nun must take: The vow of poverty-\
4	'''Deloris''': Mmm-hmm.\
5	'''Reverend Mother''': The vow of obedience-\
6	'''Deloris''': Mmm-hmm.\
7	'''Reverend Mother''': ...and the vow of chastity.\
8	'''Deloris''': I am ''outta'' here with that.
9	* And who can forget her attempt at the prayer before dinner? "Bless us, oh Lord, and these thy gifts ... and, yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow of no food, I shall fear no hunger. We want you to give us this day our daily bread ... and to the republic for which it stands ... by the power vested in me, I now pronounce us, ready to eat. Amen."
10	** Plus Sister Mary Patrick's innocent, baffled DoubleTake when the mealtime prayer suddenly turns into the Pledge of Allegiance.
11	* Watch Deloris sneak a tomato into her robes when Mary Lazarus isn't looking. Watch her try to come up with a name for her old convent from the lounge she used to sing at.
12	* Sister Mary Lazarus is a goldmine of [[GrumpyOldMan Grumpy Old Woman]] snark, particularly when she complains about how cushy and progressive modern convents are compared to her original place.
13	-->'''Mary Lazarus:''' No heating, cold water, bare feet; ''Those'' were nuns!\
14	'''Mary Patrick:''' [[SarcasmMode Sounds wonderful!]]\
15	'''Mary Lazarus:''' It was Hell on Earth. I loved it!
16	* The choir's reaction when Mary Lazarus claims she knows what Deloris and Reverend Mother are up to ("You think I took vows yesterday"): "You're here to replace me, out with the old!" ''(All the nuns excitedly chatter and beg Deloris to take over)'' "There's a word for this: mutiny."
17	* Followed by Deloris and Mary Lazarus discussing how hard teaching the choir to reach their potential is going to be.
18	-->'''Deloris''': This is gonna be Hell.\
19	'''Mary Lazarus''': Tell me about it.
20	* In the same scene, Deloris working to get Mary Robert to project by telling her about a noisy room full of people: "People shouting, dropping things, waitresses saying 'What're ya gonna have?' Your voice has to carry over all that, to the back, where I'm listening, ''straining'' to hear you."
21	* Sister Alma, who plays the piano for the choir, becomes distracted and doesn't hear when Deloris asks her to play an A. Her line afterward is priceless: "ALMA! ''(Stomps on the floor)'' Check your battery."
22	* TheStinger for when Deloris, Mary Patrick, and Mary Robert leave the bar (which itself was a series of great comedic moments): "This turns into a nun's bar, I'm outta here." (In San Francisco, no less!)
23	* How Deloris manages to stay in character as a nun but still make her wishes known--from grabbing one guy by the ear and telling him "Young man, take your feet down off that stool!" to when one asks her to dance ("Why? You ain't got no rhythm.").
24	* An adult movie and book store is across the street from the church. Deloris gets people to avoid it by having two nuns just standing in front and greeting people kindly.
25	* Mary Patrick street dancing with some local girls. When the girls and Mary Clarence walk away, you get the feeling that it's not that she is embarrassing them or that she is being made fun of, but that they like her and find it funny.
26	* To celebrate the choir's success, the nuns sneak some ice cream.
27	-->'''Sister Mary Lazarus:''' This is a sin! It's a shameless indulgence! [[HypocriticalHumor ...Didn't you get any butter pecan?]]
28	* Later, after Deloris is kidnapped, Mary Patrick asks why anyone would kidnap a nun. Mary Lazarus has her own question: "Were they Catholic?"
29	** And then a bit later, when it's revealed who Mary Clarence really is, the other nuns are stunned. Mary Patrick notes that she made them sing so well. Mary Lazarus' response? "That should've tipped us off."
30	* At the Moonlight Lounge, Reverend Mother tells the sisters to spread out and look for Mary Clarence. She adds, "Try to blend in." Let us repeat: She asks ''a bunch of nuns'' to blend in ''inside a casino.'' The overhead shot of them all spreading out through the casino, decidedly not blending in, makes it.
31	** Even funnier, Sister Mary Ignatius takes this advice by playing a slot machine--and wins the jackpot before Reverend Mother pulls her away.
32	** Vince, Joey, and Willy basically going crazy when the other nuns show up, because they can’t tell which one is Deloris. Culminating in Vince following the wrong one:
33	-->'''Vince:''' Hey, babe.
34	-->'''Sister Mary Lazarus:''' turns around Yes, sweetheart?
35	* Another casino moment: Deloris is walking through the crowd (in full habit) and tells a gambler to make a particular roulette bet. When he shoots her a "Why?" look, she simply gestures to her outfit, then upward. Every other gambler rushes to put their money on the same square...which promptly loses. They all angrily look at Deloris, who shrugs and claims that she was teaching them a lesson about gambling as a sin.
36	* Better than that is when Joey and Willy are having problems killing Deloris because she's dressed like a nun.
37	-->'''Willy:''' Well, Vince, how do you know she didn't join up and become a real nun while she was there? Things like this happen.
38	* Then they try a 'one, two, three, shoot', but both chicken out. Finally, they untie Deloris and tell her to take off "the, uh, the, uh, nun-thing." She falls to her knees.
39	--> '''Joey:''' What is she doing?
40	--> '''Willy:''' Oh my God, she's praying.
41	--> '''Deloris:''' Lord, I want you to forgive Willy and Joey, because they know not what they do. They're only doin' what Vince told 'em to do, because Vince is too chicken to do it himself! So he's called upon these two men to take care of his business! So I want you to forgive them, Lord. Espectum, espertum, cacoomb, [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Desmond_Tutu Tutu]], eplubium. Amen!
42	--> '''Willy and Joey:''' ''(cross themselves)'' Amen.
43	--> ''(Deloris [[GroinAttack whacks them both in their crotches]] and darts off)''
44	* The scene where the nuns lay their guilt trip on the helicopter pilot through the power of a particularly pointed prayer, where they basically hint that God will lay upon him the curse of Job if the pilot won't help them.
45	-->'''Sister Mary Lazarus''': Don't leave him bald and yowling in despair!
46	* Meta-example: the fact that the Reverend Mother is played by Dame Creator/MaggieSmith made Harry Potter fans make fun of her death glares. Every time she does one, someone who better knows her as Minerva [=McGonagall=] jokes how she seems willing to drop points from Gryffindor.
47
48	!!The second movie
49	* Mary Patrick teaches sex education. Her take on sex? "You don't have to bite the doughnut to know it's sweet."
50	* Deloris/Mary Clarence's TV-preacher style defense of Maria, a student who doesn't know the words to "Mary Had a Little Lamb."
51	* At the climax, the male teachers of St. Francis, all priests, [[spoiler: lock superintendent Mr. Krisp in a closet so he can't reveal the truth about "Mary Clarence"]] using Father Wolfgang's German Salami. As they hurry away, Father Thomas crosses himself and says, "Holy Father in Heaven forgive us--we know '''exactly''' what we do!"
52	* Reverend Mother's benediction to Mr. Krisp: "Go with God, Krispy." And in the same vein, Mary Clarence's DeadpanSnarker response to his claim that the school has ''no money'': "Yet they manage to pay you, Krispy."
53	* Right after that, Deloris asks exactly what she can teach, and a baseball crashes through the office window. Krisp picks it up and irritably says, "Teach them to play ''soccer''." Father Maurice replies, [[AccidentalInnuendo "We haven't got the balls for that!"]]. Deloris and Krisp both give him odd looks.
54	* The constant mispronouncing of Mary Clarence's last name by Mr. Krisp in the Italian version, where it's 'Claretta', especially on the first meeting, where he calls her 'Maria Clarinetta' (Mary Clarinet) and she answers him by saying she's 'an instrument of the Lord'.
55	* The priests being driven to the choir competition by DrivesLikeCrazy Father Thomas:
56	-->'''Father Maurice:''' Brother Thomas, you see that device attached to the steering wheel? That's a turn signal. Perhaps if you used it, the other drivers wouldn't be so hostile.
57	-->'''Father Ignatius:''' Brother Thomas, perhaps one of us who possesses a ''driver's license'' should drive instead...
58	** Followed by a MassOhCrap when Thomas distractedly ends up in the wrong lane, a semi truck bearing down on them. A "Jesus Christ" from Krisp accompanies this--it's unclear whether the invocation is a prayer or a swear.
59
60	!!The musical
61	* One of Deloris's singers has to say this about the blue fur: "Oh my God, someone shot a smurf."
62	* Curtis trying to snuff out a rat.
63	-->'''Curtis:''' Knock knock!
64	-->'''Ernie:''' Who's there?
65	-->'''Curtis:''' (points a gun at his head) What were you doing for four hours at the police station this afternoon talking to an officer Eddie Souther?
66	-->'''TJ:''' "What were you doing for four hours at the police station this afternoon talking to an officer Eddie Souther" who?
67	* How Deloris tries to squeeze her way out of the room after witnessing Ernie's murder:
68	-->'''Deloris:''' I saw nothing just now! Just a whole mess of nothing. I was coming in here to, um... thank you for this stunning blue fur, [[BlatantLies and it goes with everything!]] {{beat}} Oh, look! Ernie is taking a little nap! Some people are throwing after-parties later! A little disco nap!"
69	-->'''Curtis:''' Deloris, baby, I–
70	-->'''Deloris:''' Shhh! Mustn't wake Ernie! Just gonna tip-toe outta here and see what else my blue fur goes with! Just gonna SLIIIIIIIIIIIDE out! Again, saw nothing. NOTHING! (sprints off)
71	* "... and there is no protection like the Philadelphia Police Department!" (falls off desk)
72	-->'''Eddie:''' We gotta disguise you.
73	-->'''Deloris:''' You mean I gotta go incog-Negro?
74	* (incomprehensible "singing" better described as someone getting a massage while having a stroke) (flips page) (continues "singing")
75	-->'''Mother Superior:''' God loves us when we sing. Even... like that.
76	* Our introduction to Mother Superior and Delores's relationship:
77	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Dear Lord, if this is a test, I cannot fail with you by my side. May she be of faith, of modesty–
78	-->'''Deloris, offstage:''' OOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO, would you look at this place? DAMN!
79	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Perhaps the chorus of angels drowned me out and you didn't hear me, Lord.
80
81	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Do you know how a nun behaves?
82	-->'''Deloris:''' Hey, I went to Catholic school as a kid.
83	-->'''Mother Superior:''' The benefits of which are quite apparent.
84
85	-->'''Delores, pulling out a cigarette:''' Is there a smoking section?
86	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Yes, and you're headed right for it.
87	* Mother takes a tissue to grab a pair of lace underwear in Delores's bag.
88	-->'''Mary Patrick:''' Don't you just love Christmas? Christ is born!
89	-->'''Mary Lazarus:''' Thanks for the update.
90	* "When I Find My Baby" is hilarious because of the cheerful tone with [[LyricalDissonance gruesome lyrics]].
91	* The three goons mistake a drag queen for Delores, accidentally tearing off her boob padding. (which one guy awkwardly tries to put back)
92	* "Why doesn't everyone just ''choose'' the key they like the best."
93	-->'''Deloris:''' You aren't afraid of a little hard work, are you?
94	-->'''Sister Mary Lazarus:''' I'm a nun. My life's been like the stations of the cross, but without the laughs.
95	* "And that is why we say... Job got off easy."
96	* The Monsignor's gradual transformation into a Vegas style emcee.
97	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Why sisters... that was absolutely lovely. A lesson that even–
98	-->'''Deloris:''' A FIVE-SIX-SEVEN-EIGHT!
99
100	-->'''Mother Superior:''' Mary Lazarus, this is all about that folk mass, isn't it?
101	-->'''Sister Mary Lazarus:''' (singing) You put the boogie (pelvic thrust) into my soul...
102	* Deloris in the song "How I Got The Calling" (when the nuns are reminiscing on when and why they decided to join the church), obliquely describing the circumstances that landed her in Witness Protection. "Then suddenly one day, it was like ''bang!'' And right away I saw the light, and screamed 'Sweet Jesus Christ!' and such ... And, I asked to be secluded in this hell-hole, just like you did, and that's how I got the calling, pretty much."
103	* "Sisters please, let us assume an attitude of prayer. Hand me a Bible, please." (handed a magazine) "Not the Variety!"
104	* "Lady in the Long Black Dress" is completely irrelevant to the plot. It starts out with Curtis telling his goons to get Deloris out of the convent, the goons wondering how they can even get into the convent quarters, to them just fantasizing about seducing nuns.
105	--> '''Deloris, handing Mary Robert her pair of thigh-high boots:''' If you feel you need a little adventure in your life, here.
106	-->'''Mary Robert:''' So beautiful!
107	-->'''Deloris:''' Those are my FM boots.
108	-->'''Mary Robert:''' "FM?"
109	-->'''Deloris:''' Yeah, FM stands for [[CurseCutShort fu–]] (beat) Father Mulcahy! And all the good work he did in Korea.
110	-->'''Mary Robers, giggling:''' Blessed boots of Father Mulcahy...
111	* The entire chase scene with a bunch of nuns absolutely wasting a bunch of mobsters.
112	-->'''Eddie:''' You know, I always knew you were gonna be famous. Back in high school, when you put on that show, you put it all together and played the lead, remember?
113	-->'''Deloris:''' Yeah. It was an all-Black version of "[[Theatre/FunnyGirl Funny Girl]]." I called it... "Gurl."
114	* When Deloris and Eddie have their [[BigDamnKiss Big Damn Kiss]], all of the nuns simultaneously cross themselves.

Context Funny / SisterAct