Line #3 Funny/MajorPayne


1	* After a [[OneManArmy one-man assault on the enemy forces]], Payne gets the jump on the enemy's leader and has him at gunpoint. However, he is quickly surrounded by enemy troops and this exchange occurs:
2	--> '''Guerilla Leader:''' You had better give up, ''señor''. You cannot kill us all.
3	--> '''Major Payne:''' Nope. (''[[AssShove shoves gun between leader's buttcheeks]]'') But I can clean your colon out quicker than one of them burritos with extra guacamole sauce.
4	** They wisely surrender to him.
5	* When Payne's told his service has come to an end with the military:
6	--> '''Major Payne:''' General, you tryin' to tell me that in this man's military, there is no room left for a trained weapon of destruction?
7	--> '''General Decker:''' The fighting is no longer done on the battlefield, Payne. Now all the blood is shed in the halls of Congress. [[EndOfAnAge Warriors like us are becoming dinosaurs.]]
8	--> '''Major Payne:''' (with a begging undertone) There gotta ''somebody'' that needs some killing.
9	--> '''General Decker:''' Sorry, Major. There's no one left. [[NoPlaceForAWarrior You've killed them all.]]
10	* When Payne learns one of his recruits is deaf, he asks if he can read lips and knows sign language. He then proceeds to speak slower and clear whilst using sign language in order to convey the threat of putting his foot in the recruit's ass should he step out of line.
11	** '''"DUR YES DUR!!!"'''
12	* "You ain't getting no sympathy from me! You want sympathy, you can find it in the dictionary between 'shit' and 'syphilis'!"
13	* "I'm glad to see you've got a sense of humor. [[HeroicComedicSociopath So do I]]. Heh, heh, heh."
14	--> '''Emily:''' Major Payne, can you please help me to understand why you shaved the children bald?
15	--> '''Major Payne:''' Oh, that's my little incentive program. These boys have to earn their due...their hair-do, that is. [[EvilLaugh Heh, heh, heh]]."
16	* The boys try to frame Major Payne of being a pervert. When it backfires horribly (Major Payne was awake the whole time they were setting it up), he punishes them [[PayEvilUntoEvil like-so]]: they have to march around the campus ''in dresses'' whilst reciting their transgression. Cruel? Absolutely. Unusual? Oh definitely. Hilarious? ...[[CrossingTheLineTwice Yes]].
17	** To say nothing of the Jody call Payne comes up with:
18	--->Got no worries, got no stress!\
19	'Cuz we feel good in a dress!\
20	Major Payne's a major diss!\
21	Makes us squat, when we piss!\
22	Got no worries, got no cares!\
23	I'm a baldheaded son of a bitch without hair!\
24	Used to be Samson, now I'm Ann!\
25	Gotta earn my right to be called a man!
26	* Payne shows his "nurturing" side when he confronts the alleged monster in Tiger's closet.
27	--> '''Major Payne:''' He's in there? (''riddles closet with bullets'') If he's still in there, he ain't happy.
28	--> '''Emily:''' (''coming upstairs'') What was that?!
29	--> '''Tiger:''' Major Payne just terminated that bad man with extreme prejudice!
30	* Major Payne imagines an idealistic life with Emily as his wife, Tiger his son, and even a nice white picket fence, complete with the theme music from ''Series/TheDonnaReedShow'' in the background. His family barbecue is suddenly interrupted by a Vietcong assassin and Payne has to dispatch him using the BBQ grill. Then he tosses his body into the kiddie pool, prompting a casual ''"Oh you!"'' reaction from Emily. [[EverybodyLaughsEnding They all laugh]]. At no point [[DissonantSerenity does the tone]] or [[SoundtrackDissonance music change]].
31	* The ending scene when Payne meets his new recruits, one of whom is a blind student.
32	-->'''Payne:''' You know, there's no pets allowed on these here premises, Mr. Film/AceVentura.
33	-->'''Student:''' Yeah, well maybe that don't apply to me; he's my blind seeing-eye dog.
34	-->'''Payne:''' ...What in the world would anybody want with a blind dog?
35	-->'''Student:''' The dog ain't blind, I'm the one that's blind, you idiot. (''dog barks at Payne'')
36	-->'''Payne:''' Looks like you and your friend Literature/{{Cujo}} got a little attitudinal problem needs some readjustin'. I'ma fix that up quick, fast and in a hurry.
37	** We then cut to the blind kid feeling his shaved head. Then he reaches down...and feels his '''dog's''' shaved head.
38	* Payne putting his cadets through push-ups and teaching them how he "rhymes military style."
39	-->'''Payne:''' One! Don't you feel dumb?! Two! Look at you! Three! Don't you never make no jokes about me behind my back again otherwise I'll stomp all your heads into the ground!
40	** When Tiger arrives late: "Hey Dunn, you missed all the fun. Heh. See, that's another rhyme."
41	* [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0T7huuYNEBA Bedtime stories with Major Payne.]] Starting as Literature/TheLittleEngineThatCould, and ending as a blood-soaked PTSD flashback involving blown off legs and screaming. The whole sequence should be read to be fully appreciated:
42	--> '''Major Payne''': Once upon a time, deep deep in the jungle...There was a little engine that could. He was chugging his way across the enemy line, ''"chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, toot toot!"'' This little engines' mission was to take some AK-47's and a ''nuclear payload'' over the mountain to the 2063 Battalion! Needless to say, there was plenty of opposition! You think that stopped the little engine that could? No siree bob! He just kept chugging along, ''"chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, toot toot!"'' Not even when they climbed aboard the train, and ''popped'' out the eyes of the conductor, and blood and snot was drippin' out of his eye sockets! Think that stopped the engine that could? ''Damn'' skippy, he just kept chuggin along...''"chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga, toot toot!"'' Wasn't until...Charlie rigged the bridge with plastic explosives as the little engine was making his way across the trestle...''BOOM!'' An explosion happened, and ''blood'', and ''guts'', and ''spit'', and ''ass'' was ''everywhere!'' Bubba come crawling out the back door...both legs missing! Lula May's baby boy, and he looked up and me and he said, 'Payne...I can't feel my legs!' And I said, 'Bubba, they ain't there!' And I looked down and them little bloody nubs was ''kickin real fast like this here!'''. And I said, 'Bubba, its 30 miles to the nearest town, and unless you can flip upside down and walk on your hands you ain't gonna make it!' All of the sudden, ''Charlie was all over the place!'' Just me and my sidearm, and I had no other alternative, but to blast my way out! ''''''AHHHHHHHHHHH!!'''''' ''Die,'' pigs, ''die!'' '''''YOU'LL NEVER TAKE MAJOR BENSON WINNIFORD PAYNE ALIVE!!'''''

Context Funny / MajorPayne