Line #17 Funny/BloodRites


1	Par for the series in general, there were quite a few ridiculously funny moments in this installment of ''The Dresden Files.'' WARNING: Unmarked spoilers below!
2	----
3	* This novel provides quite possibly ''the'' best opening line in the history of literature: "[[RunningGag The building]] [[DestructiveSavior was on fire]], [[ImplausibleDeniability and it]] [[BlatantLies wasn't my fault]]."
4	** Followed by Thomas and Harry being chased by demon monkeys. ''Flinging incendiary poo.''
5	* Harry explaining to Thomas that his life isn't all "feuding demigods and nations at war"
6	-->'''Thomas:''' It's also about mold demons and flaming monkey poo?\
7	'''Harry:''' What can I say? I put the 'ick' in 'magic.'
8	* Harry bemoans the fact he makes more cash dealing with flaming monkey crap then he does literally saving the world.
9	* Harry's brief summary of why he and Thomas get along so well:
10	-->Thomas was [[TheGadfly an annoying wiseass who tended to make everyone he met want to kill him]], and when [[HeroicSelfDeprecation I have that much in common with someone]], [[BirdsOfAFeather I can't help but like him a little]].
11	* A subtle StealthPun: The gym where Murphy trains in martial arts is called "Dough Joe's." Or, "dojo."
12	* When Bob is talking about Arturo's "critically-acclaimed" erotic movies.
13	-->"Four stars, four boners. What's the difference?"\
14	[[ChangeTheUncomfortableSubject I wasn't even going to touch that one]].
15	* Harry's response to a rude "actor" at the studio:
16	-->"Who the hell are you?" he growled.\
17	"I the hell am Harry," I said.\
18	He pulled out his own gym bag and slammed the car door closed. "You always a wiseass?"\
19	"No. Sometimes I'm asleep."
20	** This gem a few minutes after that introduction:
21	--->'''Harry:''' ''(to Jake)'' He thought I was a ''[[ItMakesSenseInContext stunt penis]]?''
22	** Later, after Bobby apologizes and Harry finds out what he's [[TheDitz really like]]:
23	--->Now that he wasn't threatening violence, I could see that this kid was a jewel. He could potentially provide some lucky wiseass with straight lines for the rest of his natural life, and you can't put a price on that.
24	* Murphy [[RunningGag yet again]] mocking Harry's chivalry. While talking to her over the phone about Arturo Genosa, Harry is reluctant to say any words related to a certain female body part, rationalizing "A gentleman just doesn't say some words in front of a lady." That doesn't stop him from holding the phone with his shoulder and gesturing despite her not being in the room. Murphy is only too happy to disabuse him of his notion.
25	-->'''Harry:''' He doesn't believe in using [[FakeBoobs surgically altered... uh... You know]].\
26	'''Murphy:''' ''(brightly)'' Boobs? Jugs? Hooters? Ya-yas?\
27	'''Harry:''' I guess.\
28	'''Murphy:''' Melons? Torpedoes? Tits? Gazongas? Knockers? Ta-tas?\
29	'''Harry:''' ''(incredibly embarrassed)'' Hell's ''bells,'' Murph!\
30	'''Murphy:''' ''(laughs)'' You're cute when you're embarrassed.
31	** Earlier in the conversation, Harry remarks that Genosa is regarded as a revolutionary because he goes for realistic and genuine performances rather than the artificial impossible standards, because "sex is natural."
32	--->'''Murphy:''' [[Music/GeorgeMichael Sex is natural, sex is good. Not everybody does it, but everybody should.]]\
33	'''Harry:''' ''I'm'' the wiseass, ''you're'' the cop. Respect my boundaries.
34	* Something of a Meta Crowning Moment of Funny, but hearing Creator/JamesMarsters (the voice of all the audiobooks other than the first recording of ''Ghost Story'') do the voice of Trixie Vixen is just plain hilarious, even discounting how silly most of Trixie's lines are to begin with.
35	** [[invoked]] On a similarly metatextual level, Harry snarkily calling Thomas "kid" during the first few chapters of this novel [[HilariousInHindsight becomes rather amusing]] after TheReveal roughly halfway through the novel that [[spoiler:Thomas is actually Harry's ''older'' half-brother]].
36	* "We were dealing with a succubus. Or more than one, which for grammatical reasons I hoped was not the case."[[note]]For the curious, the plural is "succubi"[[/note]]
37	* The first "proper" meeting of Harry and Lara. After accepting a job for Thomas that has gone ''thoroughly'' south, he ended so pissed over the con that he decided to have a "talk" with him (read: beat him up and demand some straight answers). Lara decided to intervene, using a pair of miniature guns and her [[StupidityInducingAttack glamour]], but it [[NoSell fails against]] Harry's HeroicWillpower. After a second try also goes nowhere:
38	-->'''Lara:''' [[OhCrap Empty night.]] You are [[FamedInStory Harry]] [[TheDreaded Dresden]].\
39	'''Harry:''' Don't feel bad. [[SarcasmMode I cleverly concealed my identity]] as Harry the Production Assistant.\
40	'''Lara:''' Why are you threatening my brother?\
41	'''Harry:''' It was a slow night and everyone else was busy.\
42	'''Lara:''' ''[[[ShutUpKirk casually shoots him in the ear]]]''
43	** [[invoked]] At the start of the conversation, when she draws on him, Harry's first thought was that [[ArousedByTheirVoice her voice is hot]], and the second is [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe incredulity]] over [[FridgeLogic how in the Hell]] Lara could have caught up to them so quickly in her "do me" stiletto heels. His ''third'' thought [[SkewedPriorities was remembering that]] [[CaptainObvious it would be bad to get shot]].
44	** The following argument results in Lara [[ItMakesSenseInContext shooting Thomas]] and Harry managing to drive her off momentarily, with him warning Thomas that they shouldn't move until they know where she is.
45	--->'''Thomas:''' [[SarcasmMode That'll get her. The old sitting duck ploy.]]\
46	'''Harry:''' Give me your gun.\
47	'''Thomas:''' Why?\
48	'''Harry:''' So the next time you start talking, I can shoot your wise ass.
49	* The entropy curse itself -- a very nasty spell that alters probability to cause fatal accidents -- is usually pretty hilarious since it can cause deaths sillier than what you'd see in ''Film/FinalDestination''. Easily one of the best moments in the entire '''franchise''' is when in the middle of a melee, Harry channels the curse away from its intended target and toward a vampire that's currently attacking his side. A moment later, the targeted vamp is crushed. By a twenty-pound frozen turkey falling from a passing airplane. With the drumstick tips wrapped in red tinfoil. ''And then the timer pops-out with a ding.''
50	-->[[ATruceWhileWeGawk Everyone stopped to blink at]] ''[[StunnedSilence that]]'' [[StunnedSilence for a second.]] I mean, come on. Impaled by a guided frozen turkey missile. Even by the standards of the quasi-immortal creatures of the night, [[DidntSeeThatComing that ain't something you see twice.]]\
51	"For my next trick," I panted into the startled silence, "anvils."
52	** And although it happened off screen, one of the first things the entropy curse did was cause someone to get hit by a car. While she was water skiing. Another one opened the trunk of a car to get some golf clubs, and ''twenty thousand bees'' flew out to sting her.
53	* After Thomas tells Harry they're half-brothers and he refuses to believe him, he and Harry get into a minor fight and the former gets the latter in an armlock and Harry responds by sinking his teeth into the offending arm. That's the point where the reader will probably stop reading for a second to appreciate the fact that yes, Harry Dresden did just ''[[{{Irony}} bite a vampire]]''.
54	* Harry sends Bob out for recon. Bob, being [[LovableSexManiac Bob]], spends all of his time scouting out strip clubs. The exchange that follows is one of Butcher's best gems:
55	-->[[TranquilFury I narrowed my eyes and took deep breaths. It didn't really stop my anger from rising but it made it happen a little more smoothly.]]\
56	[[OhCrap "A- and you will be glad to know that every exotic dancer in Chicago is alive and well. Safeguarded by your friendly neighborhood air spirit," Bob said.]] "Um. Say, Harry, that is quite the [[DeathGlare homicidal gleam]] in your eye."\
57	I took off my coat and looked around the lab until I located my clawhammer. I picked it up.\
58	[[ThisIsGonnaSuck Bob's voice gained a hurried, stammering edge.]] "And while I know that wasn't exactly the mission you sent me out on, you have to admit that it was really quite a noble purpose that totally supported your quest to preserve life."\
59	I took a practice swing with the hammer. I took my duster off, folded it, laid it over the table, and tried again. Much better. I fixed a murderous gaze on the skull on the shelf.\
60	"Gee, uh, Harry," Bob said. "I was just doing the [[FreudianSlip breast]] job I co-[[VerbalBackspace best, best!]] The best job I could!"\
61	"Bob," I said, in a [[DissonantSerenity very reasonable tone of voice,]] "I don't need to know about strippers. I need to know about Mavra."\
62	"Well. Yes, of course, boss. Um, so I noticed that you're holding that hammer. And that your knuckles are turning kind of white there. And that you look sort of tense."\
63	"Don't worry," I said. [[ImpliedDeathThreat "I'm going to feel a lot better in a minute."]]\
64	"Ha," Bob said in a nervous false laugh. "Ha-ha. Ha. That's funny, Harry."\
65	I raised the hammer. "Bob," I said, "get your ethereal ass out of that skull. And back into Mister. And you get out on the street and find Mavra before high noon or ''[[SuddenlyShouting I'm going to smash your skull into freaking powder!"]]''\
66	"But I'm tired and it's raining and I don't know if-"\
67	I raised the hammer and took a step forward.\
68	"Ack!" Bob choked. The cloud of orange lights spilled out of the skull in a hurried rush and zipped back up the stairs.
69	* This ''amazing'' conversation about Murphy and her motorcycle when she and Harry are meeting up with Kincaid to discuss how they're going to take out Mavra.
70	-->Murphy swung off the bike and took off her helmet. She shook out her golden hair, which looked good when it was somewhat mussed. "Good morning, Harry."\
71	At the sound of her voice, the puppy I'd been carrying in my pocket started thrashing around until he managed to stick his head out, panting happily up at Murphy. "Morning," I said. "You sound pretty chipper."\
72	"I am," she answered. She scratched the puppy's head. "Sometimes I forget how much I like riding the bike."\
73	"Most chicks do," I said. "Roar of the engine and so on."\
74	[[VitriolicBestBuds Murphy's blue eyes glittered with annoyance and anticipation]]. "Pig. You really enjoy dropping all women together in the same demographic, don't you?"\
75	"It's not my fault all women like motorcycles, Murph. [[FreudWasRight They're basically huge vibrators. With wheels]]."\
76	She tried for an angry expression, [[ActuallyPrettyFunny but part of a laugh escaped her throat, and she let it turn into a wide smile]]. "You're bent, Dresden."
77	** Later, after Harry and Murphy [[ItMakesSenseInContext survive jousting with a limo on her motorbike]], Murphy suddenly starts laughing hysterically.
78	--->'''Harry:''' What? Why are you laughing?\
79	'''Murphy:''' [[BrickJoke I think you were right about the vibrator thing]].
80	* When Harry, Murphy, and Kincaid are sitting down at breakfast to discuss the hit on Mavra's safehouse, Murphy reaches for her chair, and Kincaid stands up politely, like a proper gentleman. After she glares at him for the unwanted chivalry, he sits down, and she reaches for the chair again. Then Harry gets up. She rolls her eyes at him and says that "It's not chivalry if you're just doing it to be a wiseass." A small scene, but still hilarious.
81	* When Ebenezar arrives, he remarks that Harry seems to have gotten sloppy in his Morse code, as he tapped out "Blampires" instead of "vampires." Harry then says he did that on purpose, as a portmanteau for Black Court Vampires. After Ebenezar complains about this, he then just grumbles under his breath as Harry cheerfully {{Troll}}s him by listing off every possible acronym he could think of off the top of his head.
82	* Murphy's reaction to Harry calling Ebenezar "Sir." Namely, she [[DramaticDrop drops her change of clothes]], turns to him in undisguised shock, and whispers ''"Sir?"'' to a now-embarrassed Harry.
83	** To elaborate, this is the same Harry Dresden who snarks off to everything he sees as a matter of course, who once justified being a wise-ass to a PhysicalGod by the fact that he'd snarked at every ''other'' supernatural power he's encountered already. One can almost hear Murphy thinking, "Who the ''hell'' is this guy that can make '''Harry''' behave?!" From then and on, Murphy basically treats Ebenezar as if he's on the same level as the Pope.
84	** Moments before this, Murphy asks incredulously if Ebenezar's CoolCar - an old, ''old'' Ford pickup - runs on coal.
85	--->'''Ebenezar:''' [[DeadpanSnarker No idea. Mostly I just turn it loose to hunt down dinner for itself.]]
86	* [[invoked]] "Ah, yes, the [[https://muppet.fandom.com/wiki/Crazy_Harry Bolshevik Muppet]] solution." Doubles as a SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome and BrickJoke when Harry yells "Bolshevik Muppet!" to alert Kincaid just before setting off the land mine - especially since Kincaid ''immediately'' understands and reacts appropriately.
87	* Harry looking over Kincaid's vampire-slaying arsenal. After comparing his staff to Kincaid's awesome high-tech explosive polearm:
88	-->"[[FreudWasRight My dick is bigger than your dick]]," I said.
89	* Harry making ''another'' WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes reference as they're suiting up to fight the Black Court vampires.
90	-->"Spear and magic helmet," I said in my best Elmer Fudd voice. "Be vewy, vewy quiet. We're hunting vampires."
91	* Harry's completely irrelevant question right before he, Kincaid, Murphy and Ebenezar all go up against Mavra's scourge.
92	-->"Okay," Kincaid said. "Anyone have any questions?"\
93	"Why do they sell hot dogs in packages of ten but hot dog ''buns'' in packages of eight?" I said.\
94	[[DeathGlare Everyone glared at me]]. I should probably leave off wizarding and chase my dream of becoming a stand-up comedian.
95	* Murphy plus pink panties with little white bows equals absolute ''hilarity''. Harry even mentions later that nothing is going to top seeing her fighting vampires in her underwear for the rest of his life.
96	* Harry discovers that despite being found in ''extremely'' suspicious circumstances he doesn't need to worry about the police... because the person trying to frame him is so stupid and self-absorbed that she can't remember Harry's name, and tells the police that he was using the alias "Barry" or "Larry".
97	* With two injured people (one with a gunshot wound) and a dead body on the scene, Lara wants to cover up the situation and Murphy wants to call the police despite the time crunch, looking to Harry to break the tie.
98	-->'''Harry:''' Hey, telling the truth keeps getting me put in jail. And the last time ''I'' tried to engineer a cover-up, [[ItMakesSenseInContext I wound up cleverly running off with the murder weapon and covering it with my prints before handing it over to someone who thought I was a murderer at the time.]] So don't look at me.
99	* [[ActionGirl Murphy]] commenting that she's feeling repressed, stuck fulfilling the DamselInDistress stereotype. [[DidYouJustFlipOffCthulhu Then she calls Lord Raith]] a [[StealthPun little prick.]]
100	* Harry, upon entering [[NamesToRunAwayFromReallyFast The Deeps]].
101	-->I'd been in a few caves that were the headquarters for dark magic and those who trafficked in it. None of them had been warm. None of them had been pleasant. And none of them had been professionally decorated.\
102	Until now.
103	* Harry referring to Trixie Vixen as a "self-deluded, half-witted schlong-jockey."
104	* Harry mouths off to the brainwashed bodyguard to distract her until Murphy [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome snaps her neck]] with a single kick.
105	-->'''Harry:''' Took you long enough. I was going to run out of actual sentences and just start screaming incoherently.\
106	'''Murphy:''' [[VitriolicBestBuds That's what happens when your vocabulary count is lower than your bowling average.]]\
107	'''Harry:''' [[IResembleThatRemark Me not like woman with smart mouth. Woman shut smart mouth and get me free or no wild monkey love for you.]]
108	* Harry has just agreed to let Thomas stay with him a bit. In addition, he has spent most of the book accompanied by Mouse, who at this point is a little puppy who has been riding comfortably in Dresden's coat pocket. Harry is musing that sure, it's going to be a little tighter of a fit in his small apartment with Thomas around, but it won't be so bad, ending his monologue with a note that Mouse won't take up much room. Then Thomas gets home with the groceries, cueing this gem.
109	-->[[HilarityEnsues "Why did you buy large breed puppy chow?"]]

Context Funny / BloodRites