Line #93 Funny/DasSporking


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3	* Almost every time Mervin has a meltdown over the PurpleProse in ''[[Literature/TheTwilightSaga Twilight]]''. One particularly bad passage led to her [[AngstNuke Pauling out]] and snarling, "I hate everything!"
4	* Some of the "scripts"[[note]](Whenever the fic follows canon events with little to no mention of Blaze or any original content, the girls provide silly cliffnotes versions until something actually ''happens'')[[/note]] Riyna_chan and Midoriri make during the sporks of Anime/PrettyCure fics can offer moments like this, such as when Kanade laced her cupcakes with friendship and aesops.
5	** Also from the scripts: Aphrodite referring to herself as the "[[PrecisionFStrike motherfuckin']] Queen of Major Land"[[note]](which Ako and then Mephisto pick up too, becoming the "motherfuckin' princess/king of Major Land")[[/note]] has earned quite a few laughs.
6	** A ''Anime/SmilePrettyCure'' spork has led to the open crush Riyna and Midoriri have on Reika.
7	* Many of the alternate titles for the sporked works.
8	* Raxis' speculation that Fox News is secretly run by youma after assisting with his first sporking in the ''Franchise/SailorMoon'' fandom.
9	* The comm's collective headcanon for the Volturi taking so long to exact justice in ''Breaking Dawn'' is because Aro, Marcus, and Caius decided to take their entire coven on a fabulous American road-trip! Also, those costumes and choreography take time and practice.
10	** In particular, Marcus preferring to stare at the World's Biggest Ball Of Twine rather than preside over the "trial".
11	** Not to mention Mrs. Hyde's running theory (which quite a few readers have taken up) that turning into a vampire in the ''Twilight'' 'verse automatically makes a character unbelievably stupid. Aro is the head of the vampire world simply because, while he's as dumb as the rest of them, he's at least aware of it.
12	* Mervin decided to have [[{{Series/Supernatural}} Sam Winchester]] as a guest commenter for chapter 9 of ''Eclipse'', but she didn't want to spend all the time fangirling over him. So, she decided that the best course of action would be to drug herself out of her own mind. The best part is when she interrupts the spork to "finish her statue".
13	-->'''Mervin:''' It is of a koala bear riding a unicorn over a double rainbow. points at nothing Do you like it?
14	-->'''Sam:''' stares speechlessly
15	** Sam also gets to deal with [[RunningGag Mervin's supply of appropriate gifsets for what she deems as "slashy bits"]]...and the fact that ''[[SickAndWrong they're all from his show.]]'' The best has to be his reaction to a gif where [[https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/das_mervin/6059542/160353/160353_original.gif his actor, Jared Padalecki, is forced to bend over by Misha Collins (Castiel's actor)]], making it look like Misha is, for lack of a better description, boning him in the ass:
16	-->'''Sam:''' ''(horrified)'' ...oh God.\
17	'''Mervin:''' [[ComicallyMissingThePoint There is no God. There is only Misha. See? He said you would bow and you did.]]\
18	'''Sam:''' [[BrainBleach I'm going to stab myself in the eyes now. And the brain.]]\
19	'''Mervin:''' ''(placidly)'' No, you aren't.
20	* Sitaspell and cheryl_bites point out the unintentional hilarity of "Save The Pearls" as they succinctly highlight the book's bizarre imagery of a minstrel show actress wanting to bump uglies with a Thundercat.
21	* Two words: Catsuit Tuesday.
22	-->'''GEHAYI:''' ([[Literature/FiftyShadesOfGrey ...Christian Grey]]) hasn’t had an excuse to beat anyone for almost a whole week. Taylor is taller than he is, more muscular and ex-Army. I think there’s a limit to what he’ll tolerate, even on Catsuit Tuesday.
23	-->'''KET:''' And Taylor wouldn’t cry. He’d just check his email on his phone or read a magazine.
24	-->'''GEHAYI:''' Oh, that would be priceless. “You’re supposed to cry!”
25	-->'''KET:''' “I’m crying on the inside, sir.”
26	-->'''GEHAYI:''' laughs
27	* Sitaspell's call to come up with a more SignificantAnagram for [[EvilIsHammy Edgler Foreman Vess]] was readily answered with alternate names like "SAVE DEMON SEMEN", "FEDERALS GOVERN ME", "FLAVORED GREEN MESS", and "SEVEN EMERALD FROGS" among other gems.
28	* Harlequin Tentacle Porn brought to you by Gethsemane Butler. It's the perfect blend of ridiculous {{narm}} and nightmare fuel, both hilarious and horrible. It's hilarible!
29	* Pointed out by Mervin from The Twilight Illustrated Guide: "'''ASTAROTH''', whose name was actually George, '''THREW OFF HIS CLOAK'''."
30	* Mrs. Hyde's meltdown over the eight pointed snowflake in ''Breaking Dawn'', Chapter 27 Part II. Crystallographer rage, indeed.
31	-->'''Hyde''': '''''LIFE BEGAN ON THIS PLANET BECAUSE WATER MAKES SIX-POINTED SNOWFLAKES!!!!'''''
32	-->'''Mervin''': Here’s a good tip to all of you reading this—do not make crystallographers mad. They do this.
33	* Sitaspell's rendition of the 'battle royale' from ''Hedging His Bets'':
34	-->announcer’s voice
35
36	-->THIS SUMMER….
37
38	-->Bad-ass HAWGS of the HEDGE Katie and Blake Carlisle will face off in a bloody, no-holds-barred showdown in an alley on the mean streets of…badass-shifter-ville. In a grim competition to see who can be the worst possible friend and overall human being, Katie and Blake will go head to head as they claw and scratch their way across the asphalt that lines the alley. Katie, the Pretty and Skinny Baby-Got-Back-Singing Bartender and Blake, the Murderous Blonde-Stalking Ass-Kicker are locked and loaded to fight the battle of their lives. Will Katie’s poorly defined character achieve the inconsistency of Castiel’s after season five? Will Blake finally overcome his hedgie shame and succeed in driving his throbbing phallus into Honey’s love grotto?
39
40	-->TWO HEDGEHOGS.
41
42	-->ONE BATTLE.
43
44	-->NO REGRETS.
45
46	-->/announcer’s voice
47	* The Whittler, with all her photoshop prowess, brings us Jar of Heart's [[http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/the_whittler/17012796/9758/9758_original.png Viserystache.]]
48	* Mervin's summary (in part 2 of the spork of Chapter 35 from ''Breaking Dawn'') of how Stephenie Meyer tried to write the Cullen family as the epitome of [[BlueBlood Old Money]], and instead wrote them as the crass, tasteless [[NouveauRiche New Money]] stereotype.
49	---> Meyer really, really wanted Edward to be [[Literature/PrideAndPrejudice Mr. Darcy]]. Instead, she wrote him as Music/MCHammer.
50	** During the review of Twilight Correspondence #12, [[TheGadfly Mervin]] gets it in her head to ask Mrs. Hyde to recall every moment Edward Cullen was ever [[{{Pride}} arrogant]] during the entire Twilight saga. The very next statement out of Meyer's mouth in that correspondence was that Edward wasn't arrogant. Mervin (and likely the reader) were laughing their asses off when Hyde [[UnstoppableRage Pauls out]].
51	* It took six months for D_S to realize Midoriri and Riyna were dating, despite the two being fairly unsubtle about it in their sporks together [[spoiler: and the two outright confirming it on the Characters page.]] The fic that made everyone realize it? ''A Danisha/Frollo smutfic.''
52	* Riffing Academy's zinger against a story that had the [[MartyStu main characters]] equipped with a [[ArtisticLicenseMedicine "vaccine"]] that gave them immortality, among other things:
53	-->"It's a vaccine for this condition called "death". I call it the "Lazarus Vaccine!" The boys in the lab wanted to call it [[Music/MichaelJackson "Jesus]] [[CrossesTheLineTwice Juice"]] but I had reservations about that."
54	* This comment, on a line from ''The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner'':
55	--> Bree utters a line—“So we're walking disco balls”—that, were this any other author, would make me think was a nod and a wink to the audience, except I know this is Meyer, and I have a feeling it’s more of a poke in the eye with a sharp stick.
56	* This exchange between Zelda Queen and Midoriri from the second fic in the ''Sailor Rainbow'' series. After Serena declares it's time for "some moon and rainbow power..."
57	-->'''ZELDA QUEEN:''' "That sounds kind of indecent."
58	-->'''MIDORIRI:''' "Rainbow and Moon power. Sounds like what happens when an entire Pride Parade drops their briefs at once."
59	* Bekah's intro to the spork of ''Draco Sinister'' points out the fuck-up in the title: 'Sinister' is Latin for 'left', so in her words, "I give to y’all the [[EpicFail adventures of the left-handed dragon.]] Enjoy."
60	* Mervin's comment on Renesmee's 3"5 height in the Twilight Illustrated Guide--"Jacob ''loves'' it!"--and her immediate desperate begging for forgiveness.
61	* Midoriri and Riffing Acadamy's reaction to a ''Pretty Cure'' fic they were sporking going into detail about how the lead has an Apple Macintosh.
62	--> '''RA:''' Order one now for [[PaymentPlanPitch 17 easy payments of]] [[ShockinglyExpensiveBill $399.99!]]
63	--> '''Midoriri:''' Also, man, can’t you just totally picture this as one of the toy tie-ins? You got the Cure Module, the Smile Pacts, Princess Perfume...and an Apple Macintosh computer.
64	* Mervin's complete and utter glee over how hammy and ObviouslyEvil the villain of ''[[Film/SweeneyToddTheDemonBarberOfFleetStreet Sins of the Father]]'' is.
65	--> [Thronehill]’s twirling his mustache all the way back to his house and swindling old ladies as he goes, and when he comes in, he finds Mr. Westinra there, looking nervous and freaked out. Thornehill lets out an evil chuckle and pours himself a glass of unicorn blood and demands to know if Westinra got the information he wanted before putting on his cape and settling in and playing his giant evil pipe organ. Westinra stutters like Porky Pig that yes, he did, and it turns out that the info Thornehill wanted involves the people that disappeared around the area where the Todds now live and work. Westinra keeps blustering that it’s all just coincidence but, because Thornehill has a brain along with his handlebar mustache, he points out that no, it’s not, and then he kills a puppy with his bare hands [...] After tying a couple of maidens to the railroad tracks, he points out how those people only disappeared after Sweeney Todd moved in, and then points out that nobody’s heard from Mrs. Lovett since they stopped, and that he knows they are clearly lying about her going off and visiting a sick relative because she has basically vanished into thin air. After Thornehill steals a starving child’s penny for bread and gives it to a tax collector, Westinra declares that this is all nonsense and will have no part of it and he leaves Mr. Thornehill to his own devices, most of which involve putting dynamite in the mine shaft and firing up his giant rotary saw so he can chop some helpless women in half.\
66	Man, I love Mr. Thornehill. This guy is hilarious. He’s fantastic! Congratulations, you have finally made a character I LIKE, Gethsemane. We need more of this guy! Come on!
67	* In ''Literature/BreakingDawn'', Mervin and Hyde are appalled to see the Cullens readily accept help from the Romanian vampires, since they have read the Illustrated Guide and saw just what monsters the Romanians are. To try to convey just how tasteless it is to accept people so evil to help with a noble cause, Mrs. Hyde [[BlackHumor gives the following example]]:
68	--> You’ve decided that you want to found a society for the protection of boxes of kittens. One day, you were just strolling along, minding your own business, and you saw a box of kittens on the railroad tracks and you saved it and you realized you discovered your purpose in life. So you are now on a one-man crusade to save all of the boxes of kittens in the world—and there are so many! You’re going door to door, giving out pamphlets about boxes of kittens. You pass out fuzzy ribbons to promote Box of Kittens Awareness Month. You hold a telethon on public television to solicit donations for homeless boxes of kittens. And it’s going so well! No one can deny that your cause is noble and worthy! For God’s sake—you’re saving boxes of kittens! This is a worthy cause! Boxes of kittens will save the world! And then, one day, during Boxapalooza, the annual charity ball, there is a knock on the door. And guess who it is!\
69	Why, it’s ''Joe Stalin''! And what do you know—he loves boxes of kittens! And he wants to support your cause! He wants to be the poster child for your movement!\
70	''And'', best of all, wants to donate sixty million dollars that he appropriated from the sixty million political prisoners that he had executed to cement his regime!\
71	Apparently, the Cullens would be fine with that.\
72	[[WhatTheHellHero GOOD GOD.]]
73	* One of Riffing Academy's earliest sporkings on the community was a Harry Potter/Cardcaptor Sakura crossover fic. When [[GodModeSue Harry]], Sakura and Syaoran all showed up for the Final Judgment to face Yue, he called the entire chapter "Magicmash 2013" and called it as if it were Wrestlemania, including adding in cheering for Sakura and Syaoran and booing for Harry, trying his hardest not to break character. Wrestling/JimRoss would've been proud. When [[spoiler: Harry managed to win despite Sakura technically never losing]], he added in a ''full-blown audience riot''. He went as far as to call the event the [[Wrestling/MontrealScrewJob "Tokyo Screwjob"]] in later chapters. Told you he committed!
74	* Mervin and Gehayi's ''Twihard Idiocy'' sporkings are full of these:
75	** Mervin mocking the male stereotypes outlined in the first article sporked, and then pointing out how the last two could easily be used to describe stereotypical females.
76	** Mervin's [[HeroicBSOD reaction]] to Erika Christakis' statement that [[InsaneTrollLogic Edward is the best romantic lead ever because he doesn't demand oral sex from Bella]] in the third sporking.
77	** Also from the third sporking, this gem:
78	--> '''EC:''' As one of my jaded neighbors once opined, “All men is half dog.”
79	--> '''Mervin:''' And all women is bitches. Two can play at that game. Bitch.
80	** A lot of Mervin's responses to the characteristics that are listed in the sixth sporking:
81	--> 3. Save you from death
82	--> '''Mervin:''' “Honey? I’m going to go jump on the subway rails. Would you mind saving me to prove your love for me? Sorry, it’s a requirement of all of my boyfriends. You will be graded on this, so it’s a pretty important test. How fast you do it will factor into whether or not I give you a blowjob later, just so you know.”
83
84	--> 11. Be really smart
85	--> '''Mervin:''' I suppose it’s to compensate for what you lack.
86
87	--> 20. Quote Romeo ( [[CaptainObvious Shakespear]] )(sic)
88	--> '''Mervin:''' [[http://ic.pics.livejournal.com/das_mervin/6059542/187528/187528_original.png Shakespeared!]]
89
90	--> 21. Stand in front of you in a protective way when you are in danger
91	--> '''Mervin:''' Yes, stand there and posture and be generally useless. Don’t actually do anything to alleviate the danger, or anything, or get us both away from said danger. It’s better to sit and bluster a lot.
92	* [=ZeldaQueen=]'s response to the main character of ''Gabriel's Inferno'' demonising Music/NineInchNails:
93	--> '''ZQ''': Ho boy, we got any Nine Inch Nails fans in the audience tonight? Alright! How was your evening Satan-worshipping? Kill any chickens at it? I see. Tonight was cattle mutilation night. Good times.
94	* silais explaining why [[ItMakesSenseInContext kaiju always target Tokyo:]]
95	--> '''CTHULHU:''' Hush, Princess, I’m telling a story. Anyway. That particular word actually two different phrases, both of which are incredibly filthy insults in our language: ‘Tok’ refers to grinding up our egg-mothers’s corpses--not that I have one, of course, but the sentiment is still there--and turning them into a variety of different overpriced seafood products, and ‘yo’ is a series of unspeakably perverted acts that you intend to perform on us with a rusted radio antenna.
96	-->''silence''
97	-->'''NINA:''' ...so, um, what you’re saying is--
98	-->'''CTHULHU:''' The name of the city is basically one giant ‘come at me, bro’ to every oversized aquatic monstrosity on the planet.
99	-->'''DEIS:''' That’s, um...that is very specific.
100	-->'''CTHULHU:''' It’s the truth. Giant Monster is a very concise tongue--how else could we [[TranslationYes effectively communicate with nothing but semi-monosyllabic roars and screeches]]?
101	* The flyting in Chapter 14 of the "Ganondorf in my Crawlspace" sporking. Let's just say ComicBook/{{Loki}} doesn't escape with his dignity intact.
102	* Yewfelle's and the commenters' attempts to figure out what is going on with the ArtisticLicenseHistory in [[Literature/TheTwilightSaga Twilight]] fanfic 1810 leads to the decision that the setting is the result of either a game of VideoGame/CrusaderKings or {{TabletopGame/Risk}}.
103	* Ianxfalcon responds to The Real Us' [[{{Squick}} sex scene between 12 year old Harry and 12 year old Cat Hermione]] by bringing in [[WesternAnimation/DarkwingDuck The Liquidator]] to help.
104	-->'''The Liquidator''': Why only two nipples when you can have, not two, not four, but six – that’s right, six ones!
105
106	-->(Harry) looked into her yellow eyes. "Sorry... just thinking of all those TV adverts; 'New packaging, same great taste!'"
107	-->The Liquidator: cheerfully The LIQUIDATOR does not appreciate people stealing his thing!
108	** For the first sex scene in the same fanfic, she brought in Negaduck. He ends up taking a copy of said scene home with him afterwards to use as a brand-new torture device.
109	* From Mervin's ''Life and Death'' spork:
110	-->'''Mervin''': And I hope you guys are happy, because now I’m sure the NSA has me on about sixty watch lists because I had to google HUMAN LEATHER WALLETS.
111	* In the ''Literature/TheMistsOfAvalon'' [[https://das-sporking2.dreamwidth.org/1525155.html sporking]]:
112	-->'''[=ZeldaQueen=]:''' We've reached the part we've been waiting for since Viviane's first appearance -- her ''death''!
113	* Surgeworks takes one look at [[WebAnimation/{{RWBY}} the White Fang Lieutenant]] and flatly says "I'd fuck that."
114	* Azalin's [[AngstNuke magical explosion]] after the reveal of Garon's "[[GambitRoulette plan]]" in ''A Brighter Dark''. It's so bad it can be felt from ''several universes away''.

Context Funny / DasSporking