History UsefulNotes / AussiesWithArtillery

* The vehicles they use include the military version of the Mercedes Benz G Wagon in a variety of variants for general non-combat use; the Thales Hawkei Light Armoured Patrol Vehicle in a variety of variants for combat and near-combat situations (both the G Wagon and Hawkei replacing all Land Rover vehicles previously used by the ADF); the ASLAV (a local version of the LAV-25 with some modifications for it to better handle the conditions of Australia) to be replaced by the Rheinmetall Boxer 8x8 CRV; and the locally made Bushmaster IMV (an armoured, mine-protected vehicle designed for operations in northern Australia, with enough supplies (fuel, rations, water, etc) for 9 soldiers and their equipment to stay out there for 3 days, garnering particular acclaim (especially from the Dutch) in Afghanistan due to its survivability against insurgent attacks). Australian armoured vehicles are unique in that they feature equipment that isn't normally found in similar vehicles (for example a cool water drinking system and air conditioning). The ADF operates [[TankGoodness 59 M1A1 Abrams tanks]] purchased from the US, which replaced the previous Leopard 1 MBTs. These are set to be replaced by 75 of the latest M1A2 SEPv3 models (along with a complement of specialist combat support models based on the same hull) sometime in the early-to-mid 2020s.

Australian troops fought under the British flag in several 19th century conflicts back when Australia was still a collection of British colonies, including the Maori Wars in New Zealand, Sudan in the 1880s, the Boer War in South Africa and Boxer Rebellion in China during the late 1800s (both of which continued into the early 1900s, making them the first foreign wars in which Australian citizens fought).

Somewhat amusingly, at least to some Australians, there have been claims circulating for quite some time that in the event of an invasion, the Australian Defense Force would only attempt to defend a relatively tiny portion of the country including Sydney, Canberra and Melbourne. Some older North Queenslanders still express bitterness over the UsefulNotes/WW2 'Brisbane Line' plan, which would have ceded their region (much of the northeastern quadrant of the country) to the Japanese in the event of invasion -- it remains a parochial symbol of "big city" Brisbaneites neglecting their northern brethren. (Meanwhile, the north-west of Australia, which is probably the most vulnerable to invasion due to the terrain and ideal beaches for landing an army, totals an area of 1,600,000 square kilometres, and is defended by a single regiment -- sacrificing the north or the far west to buy time may be the 'least worst' option under grim hypothetical circumstances.)

*** That, and the whole Rugby League [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rugby_League_State_of_Origin thing...]]

** It is exactly like Russia. Sacrificing Western Australia to buy time is actually not a bad idea, as all attempts to cross the country laterally have failed abysmally. If you somehow manage not to die of heatstroke or dehydration, [[EverythingTryingToKillYou if you manage not to piss off any of the wildlife]] (including estuarine crocodiles, the largest crocodiles in the world, and the inland taipan, the most venomous snake in the world, and its relatives the mainland taipan and mulga snake, which are nearly as potent and a lot worse-tempered) [[DeathWorld if you are miraculously not killed in a sandstorm or one of the epic downpours that crop up,]] if you don't starve to death from dingos and hopping rats stealing your rations in the middle of the night, or being unlucky enough to be standing under a riled dropbear, if the local indigenous tribes don't take a dislike to you and poison you or screw with your navigation equipment or spear you... after that you still have to deal with the Australian military and any local populations who have formed a militia, and they will be well fed, hydrated, and ''very pissed off.''

*** That amount of weaponry is minimal, most are better armed than that. A lot of Australian farms are capable of being independent for food and water, enormous quantities of fuel, underground tanks, and it's very common to have a well equipped workshop that can make anything from a tractor to a machine gun.

*** Not to mention that if invaders landed in Far North Queensland and tried to sweep down the eastern coast, they'd be confined to a narrow strip of land as they moved: most of the Queensland coastline is flat, but travel inland a little way and you hit mountain ranges, rivers, and in some places enough jungle to make the Viet Cong weep. As mentioned above, jungle is what our lads in the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SASR beige berets]] do best.
*** Invading Sydney? Well the Great Dividing Range makes coming in from the west suicidal as the few roads able to support large vehicles are obvious bottlenecks. The bay area has a smallish mouth making it a shooting gallery for ships sailing through. Coming up from the south requires being able to either cross the Great Dividing Range with land forces where there are even less suitable crossing points, or being able to sneak past the city and land on the coast. Invading from the north is the same except the Great Barrier Reef isn't called that for nothing. If anyone tries invading Sydney I'd love for them to do it in the Summer - not only is there sweltering heat to deal with (see above), but summer also happens to be mating season for our [[SarcasmMode lovely]] little Funnel Webs. Meaning thousands of very, very poisonous and aggressive males will be scurrying about, both in Sydney proper and the surrounding suburbs - and even though they prefer forests, they'll just as happily make themselves home in more urbane areas. Good luck going to the hospital for the anti-venom if you're the enemy.

*** Even if somehow a non-ally manages to get their resources together and bomb Australia, do you really think they would sit around twiddling their thumbs? They'd bomb you right back, or else their allies would be just a tad bit worried that the world's third largest source of uranium is being taken. Australia doesn't ''need'' to bomb the shit out of you. They'll let the bomb-happy Americans do it for them!

** Similarly, the USAF operated a medium bomber, the B-57 Canberra. In this case, it was named for the British bomber it was derived from (The English Electric Canberra), which was named for the city.

The [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Australian_Defence_Force Australian Defence Force]] is Australia's military. At about 100,000 personnel (full-time and reservists), it is the largest military in Oceania [[note]] That is to say, it's larger than the tiny militaries of [[UsefulNotes/KiwisWithCarbines New Zealand]] and Fiji, and the near non-existent militaries of Papua New Guinea and small island nations such as Tonga[[/note]], but still smaller than most of the Asian military forces.

Affectionately known as "Diggers" from their experiences at Gallipoli during UsefulNotes/WorldWarOne. Like Canada, it was mostly British garrisons which defended Australia during its colonial era alongside locally raised militias, some of which ended up serving abroad in New Zealand, Crimea and Sudan. The historiography of Australia's own frontier conflict is controversial. Eventually Britain withdrew its troops in the mid 19th century; leading the pre-Federation colonies to raise professional forces under the tutelage of British officers. By the time of the[[UsefulNotes/TheSecondBoerWar Second Boer War]] and the Boxer Rebellion, the Australian colonial governments sent their own regular contingents to support the British. Once Federation occurred in 1901, the colonial forces amalgamated into the first true Australian army.

* Australia's main rifle is a local version of the futuristic looking (but dating from the 1970s) Steyr AUG, originally from Austria, and the standard ADF sidearm is the FN Browning Hi-Power. The F88 Austeyr has been, since 2015, been superseded by the Lithgow F90 which is now a very distinct weapon from it's Austrian created ancestor, having been wholly designed and built in Australia paired with specifically designed ammunition also locally produced.

As noted in the above picture, the Australian Defence Force has its own SAS regiment (called the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/SASR SASR]]) who are every bit as badass as the original SAS, if not more so (the Viet Cong nicknamed them "The Phantoms Of The Jungle" for a reason: the service record of the Australian and New Zealand SAS regiments during Vietnam was, at minimum, 492 Viet Cong killed...with 5 SAS troopers lost, 3 of whom were to friendly fire). Also within the Special Forces community are [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2nd_Commando_Regiment_(Australia) Commandos]] (from 1 Cdo Rgt and 2 Cdo Rgt—note, [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1st_Commando_Regiment_(Australia) 1st Commando]] is an Army Reserve unit... yes, we have ''part-time'' Special Forces soldiers), RAN [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clearance_Diving_Team_(RAN) Clearance Divers]] (kinda like Navy [=SEALs=] who also do underwater repairs), the 171st Aviation Squadron (who provide helicopter mobility and tactical transport in a similar manner to the American [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/160th_Special_Operations_Aviation_Regiment_(United_States) 160th SOAR]]), and the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Incident_Response_Regiment_(Australia) Incident Response Regiment]] (think Hazmat on steroids).

The Australians were also involved in the UsefulNotes/KoreanWar and UsefulNotes/TheVietnamWar (where they scared the Viet Cong and NVA shitless as they used the exact same guerrilla tactics, were so smart they avoided ambushes and traps and were very patient, persistent and stubborn), as well as the Malayan Emergency, the Gulf War, the American occupation of Afghanistan, and the Iraq War. They've also participated in UN peacekeeping pretty much everywhere you can think of, although rarely in large numbers (with the notable exception of East Timor, where they were instrumental in ending the Indonesian occupation and stabilisng the country). During the UsefulNotes/ColdWar, the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ikara_(missile) Ikara anti-submarine missile]] was developed and built in Australia for the RAN.

* It's worse than Russia. Invade Russia and you can keep marching until you freeze to death or march right back the way you came. Invade North West Australia and you can keep marching until you die of heatstroke... or swim home. Past the [[UsefulNotes/AustralianWildlife Australian Sealife]]. See you in hell!
** It is exactly like Russia. Sacrificing Western Australia to buy time is actually not a bad idea, as all attempts to cross the country laterally have failed abysmally. If you somehow manage not to die of heatstroke or dehydration, [[EverythingTryingToKillYou if you manage not to piss off any of the wildlife]] (including estuarine crocodiles, the largest crocodiles in the world, and the inland taipan, the most venomous snake in the world, and its relatives the mainland taipan and mulga snake, which are nearly as potent and a lot worse-tempered) [[DeathWorld if you are miraculously not killed in a sandstorm or one of the epic downpours that crop up,]] if you don't starve to death from dingos and hopping rats stealing your rations in the middle of the night, or being unlucky enough to be standing under a riled dropbear, if the local indigenous tribes don't take a dislike to you and poison you or screw with your navigatory equipment or spear you... after that you still have to deal with the Australian military and any local populations who have formed a militia, and they will be well fed, hydrated, and ''very pissed off.''

*** And don't think trying to come through the northern rainforests will be any easier. Between the monsoons, the crazy wildlife, and the heatstroke (people have literally been boiled alive in the Daintree,) well... take a look at what we did to the Japanese at Kokoda, then add in the fact that we're fighting on home ground. Yep. You're screwed.

*** That amount of weaponry is minimal, most are better armed than that. A lot of Australian farms are capable of being independent for food and water, enormous quantities of fuel, underground tanks, and it's very common to have a well equipped workshop that can make anything from a tractor to a machinegun.

--->"Worse than the Americans were the Australians. The Americans style was to hit us, then call for planes and artillery. Our response was to break contact and disappear if we could. The Australians were more patient than the Americans, better guerilla fighters, better at ambushes. They liked to stay with us instead of calling in the planes. We were more afraid of their style."

*** Hey, maybe. Still, we don't blow ourselves up when we [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resistance_to_interrogation get caught]].

** There are also the fabled [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pine_Gap Pine Gap]], [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Joint_Defense_Facility_Nurrungar JDF Nurrungar]], and the [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Woomera_Test_Range Woomera Test Range]]. These bases are like our {{Area 51}}, but with fewer flying saucers and better security, and they are where we keep all kinds of goodies: Satellite Communications [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Echelon_(signals_intelligence) Interception]], Scramjets, Bunyips, Yowies, and there are even stories of something called Project SPARTAN being tested out of Woomera.

** Also, more recently, Australia and America, the two nations having allied since the Cold War. The [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ANZUS ANZUS treaty]] binds the nations together for military matters, and they have fought together several times including conflicts in the Pacific War, the Korean War, Vietnam War, Gulf War, 2003 Iraq War and the current conflict in Afghanistan. However, the latter two have not pleased many Australians, due to the Army's recent history of being peacekeepers rather than active soldiers.
* Australia's armed forces are the only recipients of [[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Field_Ration_Eating_Device the most awesome spork/can opener/knife device ever created]] -- It's officially called the "[[FunWithAcronyms Field Ration Eating Device (FRED)]]" [[note]] or the other less charitable version of this acronym is the "Fucking Ridiculous Eating Device"[[/note]] but that's clearly only because the Army wanted to legitimately call something "Fred.". It really says something about your nation, when your most basic bit of cutlery issued to your soldiers includes a spoon, a can opener, and a bottle opener.

* Despite all this, Australia may have been handed the most humiliating military defeat in all of human history when they lost the Emu Wars. If you're worried that you're becoming to American in your geography skills, don't worry. This wasn't a small region on a map, but a war against the endemic Emu bird. Which was a pest to many Aussie farmers, so the nation began a military operation to cull the birds. The army declared the operation a loss. While it's probably the only military loss in the nation's history, it's also the only time where a modern military [[EpicFail lost to any animal, specifically a bird. A bird that could not fly and is tasty. Twice]]. Today the Emu is the national bird of Australia, presumably as a concession the defeated Aussies made to their new flightless feathered overlords and masters.

* Despite all this, Australia may have been handed the most humiliating military defeat in all of human history when they lost the Emu Wars. If you're worried that you're becoming to American in your geography skills, don't worry. This wasn't a small region on a map, but a war against the endemic Emu bird. Which was a pest to many Aussie farmers, so the nation began a military operation to cull the birds. The army declared the operation a loss. While it's probably the only miitary loss in the nation's history, it's also the only time where a modern military [[EpicFail lost to any animal, specifically a bird. A bird that could not fly and is tasty. Twice]]. Today the Emu is the national bird of Australia, presumably as a concession the defeated Aussies made to their new flightless feathered overlords and masters.

* ''Khe Sanh'' by Australian band Cold Chisel tells the story of a disillusioned and traumatised Australian veteran of the Vietnam War wandering the world in search of solace. This is the song of the Australian cricket team, in a weird case of LyricalDissonance turning into HilariousInHindsight with a dash of BlackComedy.

*** Not for nothing did Rommel say, "If I had to take hell, I would use the Australians to take it and the New Zealanders to hold it."