'''Somewhere even further north''', Jon and Ygritte are cuddled up against the cold. Jon looks a little disturbed when he wakes up, especially when Ygritte asks, "[[OrAreYouJustHappyToSeeMe Did you pull a knife on me in the night?]]" Jon springs away, tugging at his tunic. Even better, Ygritte manages to deduce that [[AManIsNotAVirgin Jon has never done it before]], and begins teasing him about it mercilessly. If one didn't know better, one might think these two were being set up for a DatingCatwoman situation. "Are there no girl crows? ...So the lads just [[YaoiFangirl do it with each other]]? ...[[BestialityIsDepraved Do you have sheep at the Wall]]? ...[[ADateWithRosiePalms With your hands then]]? No ''wonder'' you're all so miserable." ([[hottip:In the books...:The nearest (civilian) settlement to Castle Black is called Mole's Town, and they in fact do have a brothel there, where the black brothers go to "dig for buried treasure." And yes, Jon knows about it; it's an open secret. But can you blame him for not bringing it up?]])

Down in '''Harrenhal''', Lord Tywin is randomly hanging men from his garrison to root out the assassin who killed Ser Amory Lorch, on the assumption (logical, though incorrect as it happens) that he himself was the target. Ser Gregor Clegane thinks (also logically, also incorrectly) that the assassin must have come from the Brotherhood without Banners[[hottip:*:You'll see them next season; for now, just think of them as LaResistance]], and Lord Tywin orders him to root them out as well. Finally, Arya arrives with mutton stew, and Lord Tywin offers it to her instead. ([[PetTheDog Petting The Dog]]? Or checking for poisons?) While he monologues about his legacy and the fact that this will be his last war, Arya toys with the knife in her hand and eyes his neck. (There's more banter, particularly concerning the lore of Harrenhal itself--built by Harren the Black, who once sat the Seastone Chair which Balon Greyjoy's arse currently warms, and completed on the very same day Aegon the Conqueror set foot on Westeros; its towers are all burnt out by dragonfire--but suffice to say that Arya and Tywin have a bit of a WorthyOpponent / FriendlyEnemies vibe going on.)

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'''Somewhere even further north''', Jon and Ygritte are cuddled up against the cold. Jon looks a little disturbed when he wakes up, especially when Ygritte asks, "[[OrAreYouJustHappyToSeeMe Did you pull a knife on me in the night?]]" Jon springs away, tugging at his tunic. Even better, Ygritte manages to deduce that [[AManIsNotAVirgin Jon has never done it before]], and begins teasing him about it mercilessly. If one didn't know better, one might think these two were being set up for a DatingCatwoman situation. "Are there no girl crows? ...So the lads just [[YaoiFangirl do it with each other]]? ...[[BestialityIsDepraved Do you have sheep at the Wall]]? ...[[ADateWithRosiePalms With your hands then]]? No ''wonder'' you're all so miserable." ([[labelnote:In the books...]]The nearest (civilian) settlement to Castle Black is called Mole's Town, and they in fact do have a brothel there, where the black brothers go to "dig for buried treasure." And yes, Jon knows about it; it's an open secret. But can you blame him for not bringing it up?[[/labelnote]])

Down in '''Harrenhal''', Lord Tywin is randomly hanging men from his garrison to root out the assassin who killed Ser Amory Lorch, on the assumption (logical, though incorrect as it happens) that he himself was the target. Ser Gregor Clegane thinks (also logically, also incorrectly) that the assassin must have come from the Brotherhood without Banners[[note]]You'll see them next season; for now, just think of them as LaResistance[[/note]], and Lord Tywin orders him to root them out as well. Finally, Arya arrives with mutton stew, and Lord Tywin offers it to her instead. ([[PetTheDog Petting The Dog]]? Or checking for poisons?) While he monologues about his legacy and the fact that this will be his last war, Arya toys with the knife in her hand and eyes his neck. (There's more banter, particularly concerning the lore of Harrenhal itself--built by Harren the Black, who once sat the Seastone Chair which Balon Greyjoy's arse currently warms, and completed on the very same day Aegon the Conqueror set foot on Westeros; its towers are all burnt out by dragonfire--but suffice to say that Arya and Tywin have a bit of a WorthyOpponent / FriendlyEnemies vibe going on.)

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28th May '13 12:10:28 PM Mareon

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Somewhere even further north, Jon and Ygritte are cuddled up against the cold. Jon looks a little disturbed when he wakes up, especially when Ygritte asks, "[[OrAreYouJustHappyToSeeMe Did you pull a knife on me in the night?]]" Jon springs away, tugging at his tunic. Even better, Ygritte manages to deduce that [[AManIsNotAVirgin Jon has never done it before]], and begins teasing him about it mercilessly. If one didn't know better, one might think these two were being set up for a DatingCatwoman situation. "Are there no girl crows? ...So the lads just [[YaoiFangirl do it with each other]]? ...[[BestialityIsDepraved Do you have sheep at the Wall]]? ...[[ADateWithRosiePalms With your hands then]]? No ''wonder'' you're all so miserable." ([[hottip:In the books...:The nearest (civilian) settlement to Castle Black is called Mole's Town, and they in fact do have a brothel there, where the black brothers go to "dig for buried treasure." And yes, Jon knows about it; it's an open secret. But can you blame him for not bringing it up?]])

Down in Harrenhal, Lord Tywin is randomly hanging men from his garrison to root out the assassin who killed Ser Amory Lorch, on the assumption (logical, though incorrect as it happens) that he himself was the target. Ser Gregor Clegane thinks (also logically, also incorrectly) that the assassin must have come from the Brotherhood without Banners[[hottip:*:You'll see them next season; for now, just think of them as LaResistance]], and Lord Tywin orders him to root them out as well. Finally, Arya arrives with mutton stew, and Lord Tywin offers it to her instead. ([[PetTheDog Petting The Dog]]? Or checking for poisons?) While he monologues about his legacy and the fact that this will be his last war, Arya toys with the knife in her hand and eyes his neck. (There's more banter, particularly concerning the lore of Harrenhal itself--built by Harren the Black, who once sat the Seastone Chair which Balon Greyjoy's arse currently warms, and completed on the very same day Aegon the Conqueror set foot on Westeros; its towers are all burnt out by dragonfire--but suffice to say that Arya and Tywin have a bit of a WorthyOpponent / FriendlyEnemies vibe going on.)

Sansa stops the Hound in the halls of the Red Keep, thanking him for saving her life. He's a typical BloodKnight about it. "Killing's the sweetest thing there is," he tells her. "Why are you always so hateful," she asks him. "You'll be [[NecessarilyEvil thankful for it someday]] when you're the queen, and I'm all that stands between you and your ''beloved'' king." Sansa, whose training did not cover the Care and Feeding of {{Antihero}}es, has no answer to that.

Over in Qarth, Dany is still in a froth about her missing dragons, and there's little Daxos can say to calm her. Also, Ygritte is still trying to tempt Jon to turn his cloak and join the wildlings--or, as they call themselves, the Free Folk. There's some truth to this claim, as they live outside the feudal obligations of medieval society. It's clear Jon is tempted, but he tries to claim he knows better. "[[ArcWords You know nothing, Jon Snow.]]"

Somewhere in Westeros, Robb has received Alton Lannister, who has returned with Cersei's latest terms. Robb doesn't really have time for him at present... and, even more amusingly, they've taken so many prisoners that he doesn't have any prison pens to store Alton in either. "Is there room for Ser Alton?" Robb asks Lord Rickard Karstark. "Does he need to lie down?" Lord Rickard returns with venomous sarcasm. They end up berthing him with the Kingslayer for the nonce, and Karstark's son Torrhen is assigned to watch over them. Roose Bolton then tries to get Robb's attention, but Lady Talisa diverts him. With two armies' casualties to look after, she's running out of medical supplies; as he's heading to the Crag tomorrow to accept a surrender from House Westerling, she would like to give him a shopping list to acquire from their maester. Instead, Robb invites her to go with him.

Theon's hounds lead him straight to the farm with the two orphan boys, but there the trail goes cold. Theon is very, very pissed about it. "It's better to be cruel than weak," he pronounces. It takes some knowing glances from Dagmer and a presentation of evidence--walnut shells--before Theon is satisfied. He sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell, watching him go with a KubrickStare that is starting to become rather permanent.

In Qarth, Daenerys paces before her empty dragon cages as Ser Jorah comes puffing up. Dany is distraught not only over her missing children, but over Irri's death in the raid: "She died for me, and [[MyGreatestFailure I couldn't protect her]]. I led my people out of the red waste and [[TheChainsOfCommanding into the slaughterhouse]]." (Doreah is missing too.) The scene almost immediately segues into more awkward sexual tension; Mormont just can't take a hint.

Jon and Ygritte are passing down through a large depression in the ice; Jon is pretty clearly still lost. Ygritte pulls out the MaliciousSlander card: "What do you think they'll say when they hear about you and me? I swear it, O [[BuffySpeak Master King Crow Ser]], we were [[IntimateHealing only close together for warmth]]! And then I felt it: right up against me backside like a club. I can show you the bruise on me tailbone!" (She sure knows how to put on airs, this Ygritte, kissed by fire. She's channeling a SouthernBelle, and those don't even ''exist'' in the Seven Kingdoms!) "And before I knew what was where, his, his... Well, it was all out in the open, [[UnusualEuphemism angry]] as you like, and [[SexIsEvil I didn't want to want it]], but [[SexIsEvilAndIAmHorny oh!, I did]]. And he spread me legs and... ''Ruined.'' [[SlutShaming The shame of it]]. Now I can never marry a perfumed lord. What will my poor savage father say?" Jon [[ActuallyPrettyFunny can't help but smirking a little]], but he tells her to turn back around. "And I thought we were done, but he said, ''turn back around.''" ''Now'' he looks irritated, probably because her impression of him is uncannily good. "Since it's going to be your word against mine, and you can't talk about it without blushing, [[WhatYouAreInTheDark we may as well just]]..." But Jon grabs his sword--no, ''[[CoolSword Longclaw]]''; sheesh, you guys--and she backs off. And then, while he's distracted, she runs. As it turns out, she's been leading him right into a wildling ambush. "Shoulda took me while you had the chance," Ygritte smirks.

Sansa lies abed in the Red Keep, having a CatapultNightmare about her NearRapeExperience. In the dream, one of the men has a knife, and she wakes up grabbing her throat. There's no blood there... But there ''is'' red on her thighs. Sansa Stark is a woman flowered.

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Sansa stops the Hound in the halls of '''the Red Keep''', thanking him for saving her life. He's a typical BloodKnight about it. "Killing's the sweetest thing there is," he tells her. "Why are you always so hateful," she asks him. "You'll be [[NecessarilyEvil thankful for it someday]] when you're the queen, and I'm all that stands between you and your ''beloved'' king." Sansa, whose training did not cover the Care and Feeding of {{Antihero}}es, has no answer to that.

Over in '''Qarth''', Dany is still in a froth about her missing dragons, and there's little Daxos can say to calm her. Also, Ygritte is still trying to tempt Jon to turn his cloak and join the wildlings--or, as they call themselves, the Free Folk. There's some truth to this claim, as they live outside the feudal obligations of medieval society. It's clear Jon is tempted, but he tries to claim he knows better. "[[ArcWords You know nothing, Jon Snow.]]"

Head over to '''the Riverlands''', where Robb has received Alton Lannister, who has returned with Cersei's latest terms. Robb doesn't really have time for him at present... and, even more amusingly, they've taken so many prisoners that he doesn't have any prison pens to store Alton in either. "Is there room for Ser Alton?" Robb asks Lord Rickard Karstark. "Does he need to lie down?" Lord Rickard returns with venomous sarcasm. They end up berthing him with the Kingslayer for the nonce, and Karstark's son Torrhen is assigned to watch over them. Roose Bolton then tries to get Robb's attention, but Lady Talisa diverts him. With two armies' casualties to look after, she's running out of medical supplies; as he's heading to the Crag tomorrow to accept a surrender from House Westerling, she would like to give him a shopping list to acquire from their maester. Instead, Robb invites her to go with him.

Back in '''the North''' Theon's hounds lead him straight to the farm with the two orphan boys, but there the trail goes cold. Theon is very, very pissed about it. "It's better to be cruel than weak," he pronounces. It takes some knowing glances from Dagmer and a presentation of evidence--walnut shells--before Theon is satisfied. He sends Maester Luwin back to Winterfell, watching him go with a KubrickStare that is starting to become rather permanent.

In '''Qarth''', Daenerys paces before her empty dragon cages as Ser Jorah comes puffing up. Dany is distraught not only over her missing children, but over Irri's death in the raid: "She died for me, and [[MyGreatestFailure I couldn't protect her]]. I led my people out of the red waste and [[TheChainsOfCommanding into the slaughterhouse]]." (Doreah is missing too.) The scene almost immediately segues into more awkward sexual tension; Mormont just can't take a hint.

'''Far beyond the Wall''' Jon and Ygritte are passing down through a large depression in the ice; Jon is pretty clearly still lost. Ygritte pulls out the MaliciousSlander card: "What do you think they'll say when they hear about you and me? I swear it, O [[BuffySpeak Master King Crow Ser]], we were [[IntimateHealing only close together for warmth]]! And then I felt it: right up against me backside like a club. I can show you the bruise on me tailbone!" (She sure knows how to put on airs, this Ygritte, kissed by fire. She's channeling a SouthernBelle, and those don't even ''exist'' in the Seven Kingdoms!) "And before I knew what was where, his, his... Well, it was all out in the open, [[UnusualEuphemism angry]] as you like, and [[SexIsEvil I didn't want to want it]], but [[SexIsEvilAndIAmHorny oh!, I did]]. And he spread me legs and... ''Ruined.'' [[SlutShaming The shame of it]]. Now I can never marry a perfumed lord. What will my poor savage father say?" Jon [[ActuallyPrettyFunny can't help but smirking a little]], but he tells her to turn back around. "And I thought we were done, but he said, ''turn back around.''" ''Now'' he looks irritated, probably because her impression of him is uncannily good. "Since it's going to be your word against mine, and you can't talk about it without blushing, [[WhatYouAreInTheDark we may as well just]]..." But Jon grabs his sword--no, ''[[CoolSword Longclaw]]''; sheesh, you guys--and she backs off. And then, while he's distracted, she runs. As it turns out, she's been leading him right into a wildling ambush. "Shoulda took me while you had the chance," Ygritte smirks.

Sansa lies abed in '''the Red Keep''', having a CatapultNightmare about her NearRapeExperience. In the dream, one of the men has a knife, and she wakes up grabbing her throat. There's no blood there... But there ''is'' red on her thighs. Sansa Stark is a woman flowered.

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Speaking of the Kingslayer, here we are in the Stark camp--specifically, Jaime's cage, where he and Alton chat. Alton admits that he squired for Jaime once, at the tourney for the wedding of Willem Frey. ("I went to Willem Frey's wedding?") Jaime thanks him for being a good squire, mentioning that when he (Jaime) himself squired for Ser Barristan Selmy, during the campaign against the [[http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Kingswood_Brotherhood Kingswood Brotherhood]], he was [[StopHelpingMe constantly underfoot]]. Fortunately, one of the outlaws thought a sixteen-year-old squire easy pickings, which gave Jaime a chance to [[CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass show what he could really do]]. Jaime, keeping an eye out for Torrhen Karstark, then confesses to Alton that he has devised a way to escape. Unfortunately, it's a one-man ticket, as the method involves Jaime bludgeoning Alton to death and using the corpose to lure Torrhen into the cell. He strangles Torrhen with his chains and makes a dash for it.

Jorah Mormont has tracked down Quaithe of the Shadow and wants her help in finding Dany's dragons. Before she consents, she asks him an important question: "[[TheMole Will you betray her again?]]" She then tells him, "The thief you seek is with her now." ...Which is only so helpful, because Dany is in conference with all thirteen of The Thirteen, including Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the Spice King and Pyat Pree. Basically the only suspect Quaithe has managed to rule out is herself. [[MathematiciansAnswer Helpful, lady.]] Fortunately the thief is in a monologuing mood. Pyat Pree has struck a bargain with Daxos. Daxos declares himself king of Qarth, tired of the head-in-the-sand conservatism the Thirteen seem to favor, and Pyat Pree supports him by using his clones to assassinate the other eleven. He invites Dany to visit her dragons, which Daxos procured for him, at the House of the Undying at any time. Terrified, Dany and Dothraki bloodrider Kavarro try to escape, but are confronted by a Pyat Pree clone at the exit. Jorah arrives and stabs him in the back, but the body vanishes, leaving the clothes behind, and more clones appear.

Catelyn Stark is relieved to hear that Jaime has been recaptured, especially since Robb is away at the Crag. However, Lord Rickard is in a froth over his dead sons: Eddard died on the Kingslayer's blade at the Whispering Wood, and now Torrhen has joined him in the earth. He wants the Kingslayer's head, and it takes all of Catelyn's diplomacy to get him to back down. Meanwhile, she orders Jaime chained up. "And gag him!"

From one Lannister sibling to the others: Cersei has, for some reason, invited Tyrion to dinner. The two make small talk about Stannis's oncoming fleet, which is due at King's Landing in five days or less, and the conversation moves from there to Joffrey's recalcitrance. Tyrion believes they need him on the front lines, which will be dangerous when the whole city seems to want him dead. We are greeted with the startling sight of Cersei actually in tears, realizing that this whole mess is basically her fault. Tyrion tries to move in and comfort her, but she glares him off. [[BrokenBird Ahh, sisterly love]].

The Stark encampment is at a boil, with some willing to stand by Robb and protect Jaime, and others... not so much. Catelyn brings Brienne with her to confront him. Jaime defends his semi-honorable actions by pointing out the LogicBomb created by all the oaths one must swear: "[[PraetorianGuard Defend the king]]. [[MyMasterRightOrWrong Obey the king]]. [[ThickerThanWater Obey your father]]. [[KnightInShiningArmor Protect the innocent. Defend the weak]]. And what if your father [[BrokenPedestal despises the king]]? What if the king massacres the innocent? It's too much. [[ConflictingLoyalty No matter what you do you're forsaking one vow or another]]." (And pray recall that he's speaking from personal experience on all of this.) Catelyn still pronounces him [[TitleDrop a man without honor]], and Jaime responds that he's never been with any woman besides Cersei, making him more honorable ([[FromACertainPointOfView in some ways]]) than Ned Stark was to Catelyn. "What was the name of that bastard he fathered?"

to:

Speaking of the Kingslayer, here we are in '''the Stark camp'''--specifically, Jaime's cage, where he and Alton chat. Alton admits that he squired for Jaime once, at the tourney for the wedding of Willem Frey. ("I went to Willem Frey's wedding?") Jaime thanks him for being a good squire, mentioning that when he (Jaime) himself squired for Ser Barristan Selmy, during the campaign against the [[http://awoiaf.westeros.org/index.php/Kingswood_Brotherhood Kingswood Brotherhood]], he was [[StopHelpingMe constantly underfoot]]. Fortunately, one of the outlaws thought a sixteen-year-old squire easy pickings, which gave Jaime a chance to [[CrouchingMoronHiddenBadass show what he could really do]]. Jaime, keeping an eye out for Torrhen Karstark, then confesses to Alton that he has devised a way to escape. Unfortunately, it's a one-man ticket, as the method involves Jaime bludgeoning Alton to death and using the corpose to lure Torrhen into the cell. He strangles Torrhen with his chains and makes a dash for it.

Jorah Mormont has tracked down Quaithe of the Shadow on the other side of '''Qarth''' and wants her help in finding Dany's dragons. Before she consents, she asks him an important question: "[[TheMole Will you betray her again?]]" She then tells him, "The thief you seek is with her now." ...Which is only so helpful, because Dany is in conference with all thirteen of The Thirteen, including Xaro Xhoan Daxos, the Spice King and Pyat Pree. Basically the only suspect Quaithe has managed to rule out is herself. [[MathematiciansAnswer Helpful, lady.]] Fortunately the thief is in a monologuing mood. Pyat Pree has struck a bargain with Daxos. Daxos declares himself king of Qarth, tired of the head-in-the-sand conservatism the Thirteen seem to favor, and Pyat Pree supports him by using his clones to assassinate the other eleven. He invites Dany to visit her dragons, which Daxos procured for him, at the House of the Undying at any time. Terrified, Dany and Dothraki bloodrider Kavarro try to escape, but are confronted by a Pyat Pree clone at the exit. Jorah arrives and stabs him in the back, but the body vanishes, leaving the clothes behind, and more clones appear.

Back at '''Robb's camp''' Catelyn Stark is relieved to hear that Jaime has been recaptured, especially since Robb is away at the Crag. However, Lord Rickard is in a froth over his dead sons: Eddard died on the Kingslayer's blade at the Whispering Wood, and now Torrhen has joined him in the earth. He wants the Kingslayer's head, and it takes all of Catelyn's diplomacy to get him to back down. Meanwhile, she orders Jaime chained up. "And gag him!"

From one Lannister sibling to the other two as we jump to '''King's Landing''': Cersei has, for some reason, invited Tyrion to dinner. The two make small talk about Stannis's oncoming fleet, which is due at King's Landing in five days or less, and the conversation moves from there to Joffrey's recalcitrance. Tyrion believes they need him on the front lines, which will be dangerous when the whole city seems to want him dead. We are greeted with the startling sight of Cersei actually in tears, realizing that this whole mess is basically her fault. Tyrion tries to move in and comfort her, but she glares him off. [[BrokenBird Ahh, sisterly love]].

'''The Stark encampment''' is at a boil, with some willing to stand by Robb and protect Jaime, and others... not so much. Catelyn brings Brienne with her to confront him. Jaime defends his semi-honorable actions by pointing out the LogicBomb created by all the oaths one must swear: "[[PraetorianGuard Defend the king]]. [[MyMasterRightOrWrong Obey the king]]. [[ThickerThanWater Obey your father]]. [[KnightInShiningArmor Protect the innocent. Defend the weak]]. And what if your father [[BrokenPedestal despises the king]]? What if the king massacres the innocent? It's too much. [[ConflictingLoyalty No matter what you do you're forsaking one vow or another]]." (And pray recall that he's speaking from personal experience on all of this.) Catelyn still pronounces him [[TitleDrop a man without honor]], and Jaime responds that he's never been with any woman besides Cersei, making him more honorable ([[FromACertainPointOfView in some ways]]) than Ned Stark was to Catelyn. "What was the name of that bastard he fathered?"

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