History Quotes / EpicFail

-> ''"For someone who elevated fucking up into an art form, this might well be your Mona Lisa."''

-> ''For someone who elevated fucking up into an art form, this might well be your Mona Lisa.''

->''"Téodor, we had hoped you would shine during the cooking event, but you folded with a focus and intensity normally seen only in successes."''
-->-- ''{{Webcomic/Achewood}}'', [[http://achewood.com/index.php?date=06212006 June 21, 2006]]

->'''Myrtle:''' All ''you'' see is a single word on an empty page. What ''I'' see is the first step on a glorious journey to create an epic of literary excellence!\\
'''Penny:''' You spelled "the" wrong.\\
'''Myrtle:''' You don't -- that's not -- look, typing is ''hard'', okay??!
-->-- ''WebComic/FauxPas'' [[http://www.ozfoxes.net/cgi/pl-fp2.cgi?130]]

->''"I'M DOING 1000 CALCULATIONS PER SECOND AND THEY'RE'' '''''ALL WRONG"'''''
-->-- ''Webcomic/ShenComix''

->'''Mike Nelson:''' (''after mangling and freeing the Hubble Telescope from the Satellite of Love'') Now, to release it... gently... like a sparrow into the night sky...\\

(''Hubble floats away a few feet, hangs there... then drops out of frame, complete with snapping wires SFX'')\\

(''Hubble soars to Earth and ignites into flames'')\\

->''"For pure, vacillating stupidity, for superb incompetence to command, for ignorance combined with bad judgement — in short, for the true talent for catastrophe — Elphy Bey stood alone. Others abide our question, but Elphy outshines them all as the greatest military idiot of our own or any other day. Only he could have permitted the First Afghan War and let it develop to such a ruinous defeat. It was not easy: he started with a good army, a secure position, some excellent officers, a disorganised enemy, and repeated opportunities to save the situation. But Elphy, with the touch of true genius, swept aside these obstacles with unerring precision, and out of order wrought complete chaos. We shall not, with luck, look upon his like again."''

"[[MemeticMutation YOU ARE A FACTORY OF SADNESS!]]\\
..."I'll see you Sunday."''
-->--'''Mike Polk''', [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tRBDMMVctu8 The Factory Of Sadness (A Cleveland Browns Fan's Reaction To Today's Game Against Houston)]]

->''"The [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Times_Square_car_bombing_attempt Times Square Incident]] wasn't a terrorist attack, it was a Creator/JimCarrey movie. The terrorist locked the keys to the safe house he was going to escape to in the carbomb. And I love that he locked the carbomb. ''"Nobody's getting my iPod."'' Then he left the keys to the carbomb hanging out of the tailgate of the carbomb, and built the carbomb out of fertilizer that wouldn't explode. I have been doing comedy for 25 years and I have never been that funny."''

"Truly, you {{didnt think this through}}?" kind of stupid."''
-->--'''Angelica Schuyler''' in ''"Congratulations"'', a CutSong from ''Theatre/{{Hamilton}}''

-> ''"Not a single Golden Egg? Maybe I should have made you [[ReadTheFreakingManual read the training manual]]."''

-> ''"?! You didn't get a single one?! [[LampshadeHanging Did you do that on purpose?]] Well... I suppose that is impressive in its own way, but I have to say, I'm still pretty disappointed..."''

-> ''"Fixed bug: [[GameBreakingBug Game crashes when breaking a block]]"''
-->--'''''VideoGame/{{Minecraft}}'' Snapshot 19w38b''', released only a few hours after Snapshot 19w38a.

-> ''"[[SarcasmMode CONGRATULATIONS!]] You Just Lost Your Sponsors!"''

->''"You had'' one ''job."''

->'''Emperor''': I roll to charm him as to convince him to let us hide in his carts.\\
'''Magnus''': Right, roll charm skill test.\\
''(The Emperor rolls [[SmashCut and...]])''\\
'''Celestial Shaman Queen''': My child, you look like dung and I hate you. Please let us hide in your carts for WE ARE FUGITIVES!''\\
'''Magnus''': Your rolls are consistently amazing.\\
'''Emperor''': THIS IS WHY CHAOS MUST DIE.
-->--''Tabletop Adventures Special,'' ''WebAnimation/IfTheEmperorHadATextToSpeechDevice''

-->--'''Llewellyn''' [[http://ozyandmillie.org/2000/07/07/ozy-and-millie-424/ on the UFO conspiracy]], ''WebComic/OzyAndMillie''

(''last panel depicts a car hanging out a window of a high-rise apartment'')\\

-->-- "[[http://pommyman.deviantart.com/art/Drunk-Driving-With-Tora-340238678 Drunk Driving with Tora]]", ''Webcomic/WhiteDarkLife''

->'''Myrtle''': All ''you'' see is a single word on an empty page. What ''I'' see is the first step on a glorious journey to create an epic of literary excellence!\\
'''Penny''': You spelled "the" wrong.\\
'''Myrtle''': You don't -- that's not -- look, typing is ''hard'', okay??!

-> ''"I'M DOING 1000 CALCULATIONS PER SECOND AND THEY'RE'' '''''ALL WRONG"'''''

->Dreamworks? She's a five year old girl. If you can't sell a five year old girl a cartoon [[AllGirlsLikePonies with horses]], you have FAILED. You have failed more totally than it should be possible for human beings to fail. You have created a masterpiece of ineptitude. ''You broke the damn scale.''

->In an ideal world, an assassination should not end with you flat on your back with malaria while your target holds your gun, reads your orders to you, and then makes fun of you for being useless.
-->--'''Internet Movie Firearms Database''', [[http://www.imfdb.org/wiki/Far_Cry_2#Star_Model-P discussing]] ''Videogame/FarCry2''

->''You may make mistakes, but at least they're usually not "we can see your mistake from space" bad''

--> [[WebVideo/GameGrumps Game Grumps,]] [[VideoGame/YouDontKnowJack You Don't Know Jack,]] Episode 2.

-->--'''WebVideo/JonTron''', ''[[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HF9YDLOmCjM TURDUCKEN CHEF]]''

->"This dumbass Ashford ''accidentally'' created ''[[ZombieApocalypse a virus that would raise the dead]]'' trying to cure ''paralysis''! ''Keep him the fuck away from science''! I don't think they're on good terms!"
-->--'''WebVideo/{{Phelous}}''' in his review of ''Film/ResidentEvilApocalypse''

->''One day the Cabal decided they'd had enough of [[NinjaPirateZombieRobot that old Civil War-era zombie cowboy]] who'd been kicking around for a full century after [[DidYouJustPunchOutCthulhu killing their God]]. They decided to make [[{{BFG}} a really big fucking gun that tears holes in the fabric of reality to kill things]] for this purpose. They somehow failed so completely and utterly at the "kill people" part that every time they tried to use it against that zombie cowboy, they actually somehow [[UnexplainedRecovery brought his friends back to life]].''
-->--LetsPlay of ''VideoGame/{{Blood}} II: The Chosen'', [[https://youtu.be/hdPMFyql1MU?t=155 on]] the Singularity Generator

-->--'''WebVideo/{{Caddicarus}}''', on ''Series/GamingInTheClintonYears''

-->''"You had'' one ''job."''

-> ''"Fixed bug: Game crashes when breaking a block"''

->''"Somehow you've [[NonstandardGameOver died during the]] [[VideoGameTutorial introduction training exercise]]. Feel free to try again but this doesn't bode well for your mission."''

->''"BZZZT! Wrong answer! [That's what the kids call 'Epic Fail'."''

->THIS IS LIKE IF WE INVADED CUBA AND THEY SUNK AN AIRCRAFT CARRIER
->HOW
->HOW ARE THE RUSSIANS ''THIS'' RETARDED
->WHERE THE FUCK WERE ITS ESCORTS
->WHY THE FUCK WAS IT ALONE
->THIS IS LIKE [[AlmightyIdiot LOVECRAFT ELDER GODS LEVEL OF INCOMPETENCY]]
->A FUCKING SUBSAHARAN AFRICAN WARLORD COULD DO BETTER THAN THIS
->THIS WAS THEIR OPERATIONAL FLAGSHIP
->THE FUCKING LYNCHPIN OF RUSSIAN NAVAL POWER IN THE BLACK SEA
->IT DIDN'T EVEN GOT SUNK BY SOME CUTTING EDGE [[UsefulNotes/YanksWithTanks AMERICAN]] OR [[UsefulNotes/BritsWithBattleships BONG]] MISSILE
->IT GOT BUTTFUCKED BY ONE THE UKRAINIANS MADE THEMSELVES
->WHICH THEY APPARENTLY DID BY [[LookBehindYou DISTRACTING THE SHIP WITH A DRONE LIKE A RETARD GETS DISTRACTED BY A BUTTERFLY]]
->''FUCKING''
->'''''HOW'''''
-->-- '''Anonymous [[ImageBoards /k/]] poster''', on the sinking of [[https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_cruiser_Moskva the Moskva]] by Ukrainian missiles

->The Sequels are what you get if you ask [[Literature/{{Discworld}} Bloody Stupid Johnson]] to write a Franchise/StarWars Sequel Trilogy. Everything you could have wanted from them; Luke Skywalker as a fully developed mentor, a deep and thoughtful protagonist arc, a New Jedi Order and Republic, imposing villains, new planets and fresh takes on old ones, the old gang united for one last ride...all of them are destroyed in the most offensive and disrespectful ways imaginable. In doing so, they have created a Trilogy that throws into sharp relief just how bad storytelling can get...it's like a story about an aircraft crash where everything that possible could go wrong does go wrong. The driver wasn't qualified, the computers were on the fritz, the weight it was carrying was too heavy, the landing gear wouldn't extend properly due to a bird being caught in them at the last moment. It's a disaster, but it's one that's almost fascinating to watch as a cautionary tale of what to avoid, what not to do.
-->--'''[[https://www.reddit.com/r/saltierthancrait/comments/11jicex/why_the_sequel_trilogy_is_almost_beautiful_feat/ This post]]''' on [[Website/{{Reddit}} r/saltierthancrait]]
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-->'''Mike Nelson:''' (''after mangling and freeing the Hubble Telescope from the Satellite of Love'') Now, to release it... gently... like a sparrow into the night sky...\\