Quotes: Epic Fail

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    Comic Books 

I would rather fail spectacularly than succeed minimally.

    Film - Animated 

You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet in front of you...
Mushu to Mulan (who didn't miss)

    Film - Live-Action 

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

Ah, mediocre!
Immortan Joe, Mad Max: Fury Road


"For pure, vacillating stupidity, for superb incompetence to command, for ignorance combined with bad judgement - in short, for the true talent for catastrophe - Elphy Bey stood alone. Others abide our question, but Elphy outshines them all as the greatest military idiot of our own or any other day. Only he could have permitted the First Afghan War and let it develop to such a ruinous defeat. It was not easy: he started with a good army, a secure position, some excellent officers, a disorganised enemy, and repeated opportunities to save the situation. But Elphy, with the touch of true genius, swept aside these obstacles with unerring precision, and out of order wrought complete chaos. We shall not, with luck, look upon his like again."

    Live-Action TV 

I can't get over that; how do [submariners] hit a mountain?
Adrian Monk, Mr. Monk Is Underwater

    Newspaper Comics 

Why can't my successes ever be as spectacular as my failures?
Jason, FoxTrot

    Video Games 

It's pretty impressive that you put so many ingredients into a dish and it came out tasting like nothing.
Kanji Tatsumi on Yukiko's omelet, Persona 4

Somehow you've died during the introduction training exercise. Feel free to try again but this doesn't bode well for your mission.

    Web Animation 

(Caboose throws a spike grenade at the wall they are using for cover)
Washington: That was the worst throw. Ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.


Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?
Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

Tťodor, we had hoped you would shine during the cooking event, but you folded with a focus and intensity normally seen only in successes.

How do you get a note from the teacher on the last day of school?
Mrs. Summers, Least I Could Do Beginnings

Your job is to conceal something that genuinely doesn't exist, and you discover a way to fail at it.

How do you manage to make a poltergeist by accident?!
Myla upon learning that Eric's father, Miles "Tails" Prower, created an electronic poltergeist in a failed attempt to repair a clock, the "Scaredy fox training" roleplay of White Dark Life

    Web Original 

MagiCans were ordinary-looking Coke cans that had a mechanism inside that popped out a gift certificate or cold hard cash to the drinkee. What could go wrong with that? Short of filling the damn things with poison, the promotion was a guaranteed success. Too bad Coke pretty much filled the damn things with poison.

One fathomnote  down, and one foot more, in sunken wrecks are found
The bones of brave and fearless men the Eerie canal has drowned.
Al Duvall, One Fathom Down

As most of you know, the only way you get kicked out of Final! Jeopardy is if you tell Alex Trebek to eat shit and if you end up with a negative score. Well, last night, two out of three contestants ended up in the red. This is some Celebrity Jeopardy SNL skit shit... All of us are Stephanie, pretty much. We're all at -$6,800.
Michael K., "Kristin, the sole survivor of last nightís disastrous episode of Jeopardy!"

Their best defensive back (not saying much) was injured by a pizza. Take all that into account, and somehow losing 12 games is the most tolerable experience for any Washington fan...This organization can keep an eternal dumpster fire going not matter what the elements throw at them. They are superhuman.
Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2015!: Washington Redskins"

Just after the birther bullshit was definitely ended, he offers to give five million dollars to charity if President Obama will release his college and passport records. Donald Trump just offered to rent the president and honestly didnít see any problem with that. He canít imagine anyone refusing to give up their dignity for money because for him thatís free money. Trump is so stupid, he's the first businessman to try to influence Washington with millions of dollars and fail.
Luke McKinney, "The Donald Trump Endurance Experiment"

DeathOnAStick is a NetHack player. They are famous in the NetHack community for their year-and-a-half-long game on nethack.alt.org, from 2004-04-17 to 2005-11-27. They spent much of this time arduously polypiling rocks into gems and collecting pet giants to carry the abundant bags of gems for them.

After killing the Wizard of Yendor on dungeon level 1 and despite already being at Experience level 30, they drank a potion of gain level found on its corpse. It was cursed, as it turned out.

Upon reaching the Plane of Earth, they desperately checked their inventory, and indeed they were carrying no gems. At this point, they went idle for 38 seconds. A few of their entourage of giants had been close enough to be dragged into the Planes with them, but they were either killed off or left behind at the inter-plane portals. Ultimately, the only gems DeathOnAStick had at their ascension were 2 dilithium crystals.

That's what I call a Poverty Pie. It consists of the cheapest graham cracker crust you can find covered in a smattering of the cheapest whipped cream you can buy. As a side note, you never want to have someone slam one of those in your face; the aluminum foil that makes up the 'pan' is so thin that it bends into what amounts to a dagger. If you don't think I know what I am talking about, just look and my chin sometime; there's a small scar to prove my point.
Yes, I was actually injured in a PIE MATCH. Sadly, no one was there to throw up the dreaded X to abort the thing.

    Web Video 

Gavin: Oh, where did [the heart] go? Where did it go?
Michael: You just threw it against the wall like a wet paper towel!

E.T.! Yes, the dreaded E.T., made almost 20 years after the supposed "worst game of all time" on the Atari 2600. But would you believe—I shit you not - this version is far worse? Imagine playing ExciteBike blindfolded, with the controller held upside-down, coated in rubber cement while seated on a wild bull.
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure for the Gamecube

I lost to Glass Joe. I LOST. TO GLASS JOE.
The Angry Video Game Nerd on playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out with the Power Glove

Let me ask you something: How'd you get killed by a motherfucking paralyzed Tailow? It's paralyzed and it's a fucking sparrow!

Arin: You just lost ALL your money! You just lost ALL your money!
Jon: If I can't be the BEST, I sure as hell can be the WOOOOORRSST!

Jay: Reba McEntire! She flubs the national anthem.
Steve: Awful, by the way. The crowd booed her, and the announcers had to cover for her. That's quite sad.
Jay: Shame they didn't bring in her non-union Mexican equivalent... [beat] Ariba McEntire. I'll get my coat.

ChipCheezum: [as the player failed to capture a Pidgey and is bringing the Pikachu's health down]] Your Pikac is about to die! [gets taken out]
General Ironicus: [incredulous] It-It-It got knocked out! The Pi...
ChipCheezum: You lost at Pokemon! It's like at the beginning of the game! You got owned by a Pidge! [Ironicus just busts out laughing] Now, go select your Pok.

My god! That's like if you tried to make scrambled eggs and instead you caught syphilis!

There are speedruns [of this game] on Youtube in under a minute. YOU CALL THAT GOOD PROGRAMMING?!
UrinatingTree's review of the Genesis port of Dark Castle

    Western Animation 
Rarity: I didn't know you could... burn juice.
(Later, Sweetie Belle presents a bowl full of a bubbling, black liquid.)
Rarity: Ugh... Let me guess, applesauce?
Sweetie Belle: Nope, toast.