Quotes: Epic Fail

I would rather fail spectacularly than succeed minimally.
—That great American, Lex Luthor

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    Film — Live-action 

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

    Live-action TV 

I can't get over that; how do you hit a mountain [in a submarine]?
Adrian Monk, Mr. Monk Is Underwater

How do you get a note from the teacher on the last day of school?
Mrs. Summers, Least I Could Do

    newspaper comics 

Why can't my successes ever be as spectacular as my failures?
Jason, FoxTrot

    video games 

It is pretty impressive that you managed to combine so many ingredients and it came out tasting like nothing.
—Kanji Tatsumi of Persona 4 on Yukiko's omelet.

Somehow you've died during the introduction training exercise. Feel free to try again but this doesnt (sic) bode well for your mission.

Gavin: Oh, where did [the heart] go? Where did it go?
Michael: You just threw it against the wall like a wet paper towel!

    web animation 

(Caboose throws a spike grenade at the wall they are using for cover)
Washington: That was the worst throw. Ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.

    webcomics 

Teodor, we had hoped you would shine during the cooking event, but you folded with the focus and intensity normally reserved for success.

...your job is to conceal something that genuinely doesn't exist, and you discover a way to fail at it.

Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?
Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

    web original 

One fathomnote  down, and one foot more, in sunken wrecks are found
The bones of brave and fearless men the Eerie canal has drowned.
Al Duvall, One Fathom Down

...that’s what I call a Poverty Pie. It consists of the cheapest graham cracker crust you can find covered in a smattering of the cheapest whipped cream you can buy. As a side note, you never want to have someone slam one of those in your face; the aluminum foil that makes up the ‘pan’ is so thin that it bends into what amounts to a dagger. If you don’t think I know what I am talking about, just look and my chin sometime; there’s a small scar to prove my point. Yes, I was actually injured in a PIE MATCH.

...MagiCans were ordinary-looking Coke cans that had a mechanism inside that popped out a gift certificate or cold hard cash to the drinkee. What could go wrong with that? Short of filling the damn things with poison, the promotion was a guaranteed success. Too bad Coke pretty much filled the damn things with poison.

On last night’s episode of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek nearly threw up his cards, quit the game and headed to a hotel to meet up with a Yellow Pages hooker. If this mess was The Hunger Games, Kristin would be the Katniss, because she was the last person standing at the end of it all. Bitches fell left and right and there Kristin stood. As most of you know, the only way you get kicked out of Final! Jeopardy is if you tell Alex Trebek to eat shit and if you end up with a negative score. Well, last night, two out of three contestants ended up in the red. This is some Celebrity Jeopardy SNL skit shit...Below is the clip where the other contestants Brad and Stephanie get knocked out. I can’t even hate on those two. If I was on Jeopardy!, I’d end up with a -$5,000,000,000 score, because I’d answer every clue with, “What is leaky dick, Alex?”

Kristin didn’t exactly win since she got the Final! Jeopardy clue wrong, but she didn’t go full womp womp by betting it all. She’ll be back tonight where I hope she’ll continue to slay bitches. And this is what it looked like when Brad and Stephane met their demise. All of us are Stephanie, pretty much...We’re all at -$6,800. I guess Stephanie and Brad are now selling their asses in The Valley somewhere, because they owe Jeopardy! now, right?
Michael K., "Kristin, the sole survivor of last night’s disastrous episode of Jeopardy!"

They got caught wining and dining the league's head of officials and no one in the NFL seems to care because Dallas would lose even WITH crooked refereeing.
Drew McGary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Dallas Cowboys"

This is not exactly Shakespeare. All we wanted was robots beating the oil out of each other, and apparently that was too much to ask. We're talking about a movie premise that can be adequately explained by having a four-year-old kid slam two plastic dolls together while making laser sounds, and somehow even a nitwit like Michael Bay screws it up. How is that even possible? The only thing anyone credits that moron with is his ability to slap together hideously overbudgeted, bombastic ear-splitting action sequences filled with explosions and sports cars. For once I thought his complete inability to comprehend or depict human emotions might actually work to his advantage in a robot movie.
Noah Antwiler on Transformers

"Death On A Stick is a NetHack player. They are famous in the NetHack community for their year-and-a-half-long game on nethack.alt.org, from 2004-04-17 to 2005-11-27. They spent much of this time arduously polypiling rocks into gems and collecting pet giants to carry the abundant bags of gems for them.

After killing the Wizard of Yendor on dungeon level 1 and despite already being at Experience level 30, they drank a potion of gain level found on its corpse. It was cursed, as it turned out.

Upon reaching the Plane of Earth, they desperately checked their inventory, and indeed they were carrying no gems. At this point, they went idle for 38 seconds. A few of their entourage of giants had been close enough to be dragged into the Planes with them, but they were either killed off or left behind at the inter-plane portals. Ultimately, the only gems Death On A Stick had at their ascension were 2 dilithium crystals. "

    web video 

My god! That's like if you tried to make scrambled eggs and instead you caught syphilis!

Let me ask you something: How'd you get killed by a motherfucking paralyzed Tailow? It's paralyzed and it's a fucking sparrow!
Jon, Game Grumps

E.T.! Yes, the dreaded E.T., made almost 20 years after the supposed "worst game of all time" on the Atari 2600. But would you believe—I shit you not—this version is far worse??...Imagine playing ExciteBike blindfolded, with the controller held upside-down, coated in rubber cement while seated on a wild bull.
The Angry Video Game Nerd on Universal Studios Theme Park Adventure for Gamecube

Jay: Reba McEntire! She flubs the national anthem.
Steve: Awful, by the way. The crowd booed her, and the announcers had to cover for her. That's quite sad.
Jay: Shame they didn't bring in her non-union Mexican equvilent... [beat] Ariba McEntire. I'll get my coat.

There are speedruns [of this game] on Youtube in under a minute. YOU CALL THAT GOOD PROGRAMMING?!"

ChipCheezum: [as the player failed to capture a Pidgey and is bringing the Pikachu's health down]] Your Pikac is about to die! [gets taken out]
General Ironicus: [incredulous] It-It-It got knocked out! The Pi...
ChipCheezum: You lost at Pokemon! It's like at the beginning of the game! You got owned by a Pidge! [Ironicus just busts out laughing] Now, go select your Pok.

    western animation 

You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet in front of you...
Mushu. For the record, she didn't miss.