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Quotes: Epic Fail
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"One fathomnote  down, and one foot more, in sunken wrecks are found
The bones of brave and fearless men the Eerie canal has drowned."
Al Duvall, One Fathom Down

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
Billy Madison: Okay, a simple "wrong" would've done just fine.

"Teodor, we had hoped you would shine during the cooking event, but you folded with the focus and intensity normally reserved for success."

(Caboose throws a spike grenade at the wall they are using for cover)
Washington: That was the worst throw. Ever. Of all time.
Caboose: Not my fault. Someone put a wall in my way.

"I would rather fail spectacularly than succeed minimally."
—That great American, Lex Luthor

"...your job is to conceal something that genuinely doesn't exist, and you discover a way to fail at it."

"I can't get over that; how do you hit a mountain [in a submarine]?"
Adrian Monk, Mr. Monk Is Underwater

"Wow, Fighter. You don't half-ass screwing up, do ya?"
Black Mage, 8-Bit Theater

"Why can't my successes ever be as spectacular as my failures?"
Jason, FoxTrot

"You missed! With a cannon!"
Tremors 4

"How do you get a note from the teacher on the last day of school?"
Mrs. Summers, Least I Could Do

"It is pretty impressive that you managed to combine so many ingredients and it came out tasting like nothing."
—Kanji Tatsumi of Persona 4 on Yukiko's omelet.

"Somehow you've died during the introduction training exercise. Feel free to try again but this doesnt (sic) bode well for your mission."

    real life 
"My god! That's like if you tried to make scrambled eggs and instead you caught syphilis!"

"Let me ask you something: How'd you get killed by a motherfucking paralyzed Tailow? It's paralyzed and it's a fucking sparrow!"
Jon, Game Grumps

"[T]hatís what I call a Poverty Pie. It consists of the cheapest graham cracker crust you can find covered in a smattering of the cheapest whipped cream you can buy. As a side note, you never want to have someone slam one of those in your face; the aluminum foil that makes up the Ďpaní is so thin that it bends into what amounts to a dagger. If you donít think I know what I am talking about, just look and my chin sometime; thereís a small scar to prove my point. Yes, I was actually injured in a PIE MATCH."

"MagiCans were ordinary-looking Coke cans that had a mechanism inside that popped out a gift certificate or cold hard cash to the drinkee. What could go wrong with that? Short of filling the damn things with poison, the promotion was a guaranteed success. Too bad Coke pretty much filled the damn things with poison."

"I'm going to tell you something: Most of these previews are just a rehashing of shit you already knew, because most teams don't change all that much from year to year. They all suck for the same reasons. And thenÖ then there are teams like the Browns, who can spend a 12-month stretch fucking up in enough novel ways to fill up an entire book. Between the Browns and the Redskins, all the fucking up has been monopolized. They do not share their incompetence with other teams. They hog it all for themselves, which is kinda selfish, really."
Drew Magary, "Why Your Team Sucks 2014: Cleavland Browns"

"This is not exactly Shakespeare. All we wanted was robots beating the oil out of each other, and apparently that was too much to ask. We're talking about a movie premise that can be adequately explained by having a four-year-old kid slam two plastic dolls together while making laser sounds, and somehow even a nitwit like Michael Bay screws it up. How is that even possible? The only thing anyone credits that moron with is his ability to slap together hideously overbudgeted, bombastic ear-splitting action sequences filled with explosions and sports cars. For once I thought his complete inability to comprehend or depict human emotions might actually work to his advantage in a robot movie."
Noah Antwiler on Transformers

"During a performance of last nightís most expensive lip-synching show in Las Vegas, one of Brit Brit Spearsí fans, who paid a lot of money to see her move her mouth and wave her arms, recorded a video of her looking like sheís moving her mouth to Siaís vocals. Leave it to Our Lady of Cheetos to turn fuck effort lip-synching into an art form...Brit Brit doesnít even know what a 'lip-synch' is! She thinks itís a fancy name for 'water fountain.' Not many people know this about Brit Brit, since sheís always been humble about her natural gifts, but she actually has two sets of vocal cords. So last night, the audience witnessed true greatness. Brit Brit not only naturally sang her part, but she also sang in the voice of Sia at the same time! Brit Britís audience didnít watch lip-synching-gone-wrong last night. They watched a vocal wonder at work!"
DListed, "Our Lady Of Cheetos Is a Vocal Chameleon"

"There are speedruns [of this game] on Youtube in under a minute. YOU CALL THAT GOOD PROGRAMMING?!"

"Death On A Stick is a NetHack player. They are famous in the NetHack community for their year-and-a-half-long game on, from 2004-04-17 to 2005-11-27. They spent much of this time arduously polypiling rocks into gems and collecting pet giants to carry the abundant bags of gems for them."

"After killing the Wizard of Yendor on dungeon level 1 and despite already being at Experience level 30, they drank a potion of gain level found on its corpse. It was cursed, as it turned out."

"Upon reaching the Plane of Earth, they desperately checked their inventory, and indeed they were carrying no gems. At this point, they went idle for 38 seconds. A few of their entourage of giants had been close enough to be dragged into the Planes with them, but they were either killed off or left behind at the inter-plane portals. Ultimately, the only gems Death On A Stick had at their ascension were 2 dilithium crystals. "

ChipCheezum: [as the player failed to capture a Pidgey and is bringing the Pikachu's health down]] Your Pikac is about to die! [gets taken out]
General Ironicus: [incredulous] It-It-It got knocked out! The Pi...
ChipCheezum: You lost at Pokemon! It's like at the beginning of the game! You got owned by a Pidge! [Ironicus just busts out laughing] Now, go select your Pok.

Gavin: Oh, where did [the heart] go? Where did it go?
Michael: You just threw it against the wall like a wet paper towel!

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