History Main / YourVampiresSuck

** In ''SluggyFreelance'', it seems as though each clan of vampires has a different set of weaknesses, suggesting that not all vampires originate from the same source. For example, a silver stake will kill members of one circle of vampires, while for the circle that Sam belongs to, it seems as though they can be incapacitated by any vampire weakness, but killing them takes some effort.

** In ''SluggyFreelance'', it seems as though each clan of vampires has a different set of weaknesses, suggesting that not all vampires originate from the same source. For example, a silver stake will kill members of one circle of vampires, while for the circle that Sam belongs to, it seems as though they can be incapacitated by any vampire weakness, but only direct sunlight can actually ''kill'' them.

{{Dracula}} is probably the most common vampire to be on the receiving end, since he is the source of almost every modern vampire trope, and hence embodies most of them. Also, possibly, because people seem to think he was [[VillainSue insanely overpowered]]. Which is funny, as for a good chunk of the book he's running away from the humans.

* Played straight in the ''{{Blade}}'' series, as vampirism is an infection as opposed to a curse. As such, only physical stuff like sunlight, silver and garlic work, and then only for biological reasons. Whistler explicitly says in the first flim: "Crosses don't do squat. some of the legends are true though"

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->''"I have officially become a vampire! Uh, not one of those [[{{Twilight}} sparkling ones]], though, they totally suck ass."''
-->-- '''TheNostalgiaCritic''', during his review of CareBears: The Movie.

A consequence of the OurVampiresAreDifferent trope. This is a form of TakeThat where one author takes a shot at another author for the choices they made in depicting vampires.

{{Dracula}} is probably the most common vampire to be on the receiving end, since he is the source of almost every modern vampire trope, and hence embodies most of them. Also, possibly, because people seem to think he was [[VillainSue insanely overpowered]]. Which is funny, as for a good chunk of the book he's running away from the humans.

This is is used in vampire comedies, or at least for adding some fun in a serious vampire tale. Show the vamp garlic? He takes a bite. Hold out holy water? He drinks it down. Cross? Uses it as a back scratcher.

The trope sometimes occurs with other fantasy creatures--[[{{Discworld}} Terry Pratchett]] did it with [[OurDragonsAreDifferent most of his dragons]], though he includes more than passing nods to classical interpretations as well--but an overwhelming majority of these seem to be centered on vampires. This may be due to vampires being the most common creature in UrbanFantasy, and it would be difficult, for example, for ''DungeonsAndDragons'' elves to comment on ''LordOfTheRings'' elves, since Middle-Earth doesn't exist in Greyhawk--even in fiction. One cannot have a pop culture commentary in a world with no pop culture.

[[folder:Anime and Manga]]

--->Integra: "Stabbed through the heart, cut off his head, did you really think that would kill him?"

--->'''Pip:''' "A vampire drinking wine on a private jet, flying to Rio de Janeiro in broad daylight? The stories got everything wrong."

** For a Shinso, she's considered a Hi-Daylight Walker. It'd be surprising if she still have any weaknesses now since she claims to have overcome the typical weaknesses of vampires.

** While she explains her backstory, she notes that at first, she had all the traditional vampire weaknesses. Presumably, she eventually grew powerful enough to circumvent, or simply power past, most if not all of them.

*** There are exceptions because [[FantasyKitchenSink it's the MU]], and every vampire is from a completely different background anyway. Like Morbius [[NotUsingTheZWord obviously not being a vampire]] because [[ArbitrarySkepticism that's just silly.]] Blade must pack a lot of different weapons.

* {{Lampshade}}d in AlanMoore's ''TopTen'' story "Deadfellas", in which Hungarian vampires are analogous to [[TheMafia Sicilian mobsters]]. The younger vampires laugh at the older "widow's-peak Vlads" for their horror-movie behavior and dress style, much as the RealLife "Mustache Petes" were derided and ousted by younger and less honor-bound mobsters. It's then subverted when all the vampires turn out to have the usual weaknesses of the pop-culture versions.

* Moderately subverted, in Chris Jones' Ranma 1/2 fanfic The Clan, Vampires appear to be an all female subset of humans that primarily specialize in exorcising Eldritch Horrors from reality and prefer to drink from willing hosts. The Tendos all eventually volunteer to become vampires to help deal with the latest incursion and this causes trouble with the Amazons who have a kill vampires on sight policy. Kasumi is trying to reason with Cologne while ignoring holy water, a cross and other such weaknesses. Being her normal, mocking self, Nabiki decides to drive the point home by grab a bulb of garlic and taking a large bite out of it despite Kasumi's attempts at warning. Nabiki spends the rest of the scene vomiting as Kasumi notes that their enhanced senses make certain flavors and scents a bit much for them...Nabiki has it even worse than normal vamps since the power she got above normal powers was highly advanced senses. Nabiki's response: "But I like garlic."

--->[[TalesoftheTempest Caius Qualls]]: "Besides, vampires these days are complete wimps! Going around being all SPARKLY! Geez, whose idea was it to make vampires sparkle?!?"

-->[[YiddishAsASecondLanguage Oy vey]], have you got the [[{{UsefulNotes/Judaism}} wrong vampire.]]

* Both the book and movie versions of ''[[TheVampireChronicles Interview With The Vampire]]'' contains shots at Bram Stoker's novel ''{{Dracula}}.'' For some strange reason, the characters seem to think that something being killed by a stake through the heart is a ridiculous fairy tale, even though it would kill pretty much ''any ''other'' creature on the planet''. (Maybe they're commenting on it having to specifically be wood; i.e., a metal stake to the heart doing jack.)

* In ''TheSagaOfDarrenShan'', Larten Crepsley mocks many assumptions about vampires ("Bite people? Only stupid vampires use their teeth!"), sometimes to the extent of bursting into laughter when one is suggested. When he's threatened with a bottle of holy water, he drinks it. One character relates how he attempted to stake a sleeping vampire, but since the series's vampires are MadeOfIron, the vampire woke up and nearly killed him before bleeding to death.

* Chapter two of Book II of ''[[http://thelonelywinds.com/library.php The Lonely Winds]]'', entitled "Vampire 101" seems to be a reverent embodiment of this trope. A central character is introduced to the characteristics and mechanics of the mythos's vampires in a diatribe that takes shots at [=RPGs=], cinema, and what appears to be the setting's equivalent to Anne Rice.
* Noted in {{Garry Kilworth}}'s ''{{Welkin Weasels}}: Vampire Voles''. Count Flistagga mentions that most vampires dislike crossing running water, but he has "long since overcome that weakness". It should be noted, however, that the other vampires are defeated with ridiculous ease.

** In some instances, there are nods back to the classic vampire weaknesses, running water, silver, and the like. Some of these are even rather humorous. [[spoiler: In one of the later books, one vampire traverses from Sunside/Starside (parallel Earth) to our world, stuck in an underground cave, with only one exit, with running water. Around him are evidence of previous vampire exiles, all of which sat and died, fearing to tread the water to attempt escape.]]

* Stephenie Meyer's ''{{Twilight}}''. When Bella asks vampire Edward if he does things like turning into a bat, sleep on coffins and specially when asked if he burned in the sunlight, he laughs and says it's a myth. He then shows her [[BishieSparkle what really happens when he goes into the sunlight]].

* In ''TheLastVampire'' series by {{Christopher Pike}}, the protagonist is a vampire named Sita who possesses few of the traditional weaknesses. She sometimes has the "what about crosses, garlic, running water, coffin?" conversation with humans she reveals herself to. She can even stand the sunlight, though she explains she couldn't really do this until she'd aged a few THOUSAND years. Vampires in this series were first created when a demon (a yakshini) was summoned and possessed the corpse of a baby who was still inside its dead mother's womb.

* In George Martin's novel, "Fevre Dream", vampires are fast, strong, and hard to kill but have no supernatural abilities, can't infect anyone else (though they let their servants believe they'll be turned for loyal service) and don't know much about their origins. They're still scary as hell and do not deal well with sunlight. The novel is about a vampire trying to save his subspecies from extinction. In a memorable scene, he walks about his steamboat in full daylight to allay his human crew's suspicions - coming close to killing himself - for the sake of his quite heroic cause.

** Deconstructed when the Night Watch operatives find out that a rogue vampire had drained ''fifty'' people in a row [[TookALevelInBadass to upgrade a High Vampire]] (in the Watchverse with its severe limitations on human-killing it's far out of all reasons). As they carry half-decomposed corpses out of the beast's lair, the head of the Watch disgustedly comments that he would like to bring a couple of vampire-wannabe whelps there, so they see with their own eyes how different a real vampire is from their fantasies about a pale courteous gentlemen alluring young women in his castle.

[[folder:Live Action TV]]

** Later, in the Fifth Season opener, much fun is had at Dracula's expense, except that he actually ''is'' more powerful than most vampires, even if Spike dismisses his mind control, shapeshifting, and apparent unkillability as "a few Gypsy tricks". The trope is played straight in the same episode when Buffy mentions meeting more than a few pasty-faced, pimply vamps who called themselves "Lestat." Apparently Joss Whedon only thinks that Anne Rice's Vampires Suck. Except for the part where Angel was practically lifted wholesale from the Anne Rice template...though it could very easily be argued that Angel is a mild but very effective subversion of that template. Namely the fact that he's consistently mocked by the other characters for possessing the classic "Anne Rice" vampire traits (i.e. brooding, vanity), and ultimately overcomes them.

--> [[spoiler: Connor:]]So, do you spend all your time making out with other vampires like in Anne Rice novels?
--> Angel: No!(Beat)- well, I used to...

* The series ''{{Special Unit 2}}'', about a division of the police force which deals with supernatural crimes, begins with the chief telling a new recruit that [[AllMythsAreTrue every myth and legend is real in one way or another.]] Except vampires, [[ArbitrarySkepticism the whole idea of which he waves off as being ridiculous.]]

* The {{Ravenloft}} campaign setting for ''DungeonsAndDragons'' does come with all the standard vampiric weaknesses... Plus a few more, and some that are downright bizzarre. But not only takes pains to explain that a given vampire may possess many or none of these... But also explains how vampires can get around them. A vampire might still be carried over running water in a carriage for instance, or use their ''Charm Person'' ability to enter a house. More than anything it is stressed that vampires are smart. And patient.

*** It is proven that an average human can't hurt you with a crucifix [[spoiler: when you have to get through The Mandarin's testing grounds. One of the tests involves a man in an environmental suit, who will point a crucifix towards you. You're free to kill him for being ignorant in whatever gruesome fashion you like.]]
* Out of universe, the ''{{Castlevania}}'' fanbase loves using the [[MemeticMutation intro dialogue]] from ''{{SymphonyOfTheNight}}'' to deride ''Twilight''.

* ''LucyTheDaughterOfTheDevil'' has an episode centering around the Special Fathers fighting an invasion of altar boy and choir boy vampires who have been [[strike: [[IncrediblyLamePun praying]]]] preying on Catholic priests. They meet up with a guy who is supposed to get them reacquainted with vampire hunting, with [[LampShaded amusing results:]]

* Expect this to be the main source of the unimaginative humor of the upcoming FriedbergAndSeltzer parody/{{shout out}} film ''[[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1666186/ Vampires Suck]]'', [[strike: along with references to media from the past six months, scatalogical humor of the lowest common denominator and objects crushing people randomly. ([[http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=67749 Watch the trailer]] and judge for yourself.)]]
** Or, watch the movie and not just the trailer (HypocriticalHumor, much?). The film surprisingly avoids their standard "formula" and is more a straight-up parody of ''Twilight'' and ''New Moon'' with lots of LampshadeHanging.

* Expect this to be the main source of the unimaginative humor of the upcoming FriedbergAndSeltzer parody/{{shout out}} film ''[[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1666186/ Vampires Suck]]'', along with references to media from the past six months, scatalogical humor of the lowest common denominator and objects crushing people randomly. ([[http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=67749 Watch the trailer]] and judge for yourself.)

* An early topic of discussion for Escott and Jack in P.N. Elrod's ''TheVampireFiles'' is about how traits that Jack lacks might've become falsely associated with vampires. Jack suggests that garlic might've been credited with repelling vampires because old-time European peasants considered it a cure for ''everything''. Then he points out the inherent silliness of using something that smells bad to fight creatures that don't need to breathe.

** Though it's worth noting that they also get a lot of helpful information about vampires from the comics.

** I don't know, it's entirely possible that the vampires harmed by the baseball bat and shotgun cross shadow weren't harmed by a cross, but sheer badassitude.

* A somewhat different example: [[http://gatherer.wizards.com/Pages/Card/Details.aspx?multiverseid=193546 This]] {{Magic The Gathering}} card is likely a subtle TakeThat at [[strike: {{Twilight}}]] the romanticization of vampires in general.

* Expect this to be the main source of the unimaginative humor of the upcoming FriedbergAndSeltzer [[strike: parody]] reference film ''[[http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1666186/ Vampires Suck]]'', [[SoBadItsHorrible along with references to media from the past six months, scatalogical humor of the lowest common denominator and objects crushing people randomly]]. ([[http://www.comingsoon.net/news/movienews.php?id=67749 Watch the trailer]] and judge for yourself.)
** [[YourMileageMayVary It actually was more focused on Twilight and less on other things as its predecessors.]]

* In ''The Last Vampire'' series by {{Christopher Pike}}, the protagonist is a vampire named Sita who possesses few of the traditional weaknesses. She sometimes has the "what about crosses, garlic, running water, coffin?" conversation with humans she reveals herself to. She can even stand the sunlight, though she explains she couldn't really do this until she'd aged a few THOUSAND years. Vampires in this series were first created when a demon (a yakshini) was summoned and possessed the corpse of a baby who was still inside its dead mother's womb.

-->-- '''[[ThatGuyWithTheGlasses The Nostalgia Critic]]''', during his review of CareBears: The Movie.

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*** This totally should have been at the top of the list, seeing as nearly everyone who isn't a Team Edward hates the "Meyerpires".

** It's not just relative to other vampires, either. Alucard pretty invincible compared to just about any character one might care to name. He's the strongest literary character since God from the Bible.