History Main / ComicallyIneptHealing

Need not be an actual doctor: any obviously terrible attempt at healing counts.

* NurseWithGoodIntentions: Someone tries to care for their sick or injured friend, but causes more problems than success.

* The doctors in ''WesternAnimation/SouthParkBiggerLongerAndUncut'' somehow botch Kenny's surgery so badly (at one point, they seem to be going in there with ''hedge trimmers'') that they replace his heart with a baked potato. Somehow, he survived long enough for them to [[ExactTimeToFailure tell him he had three seconds to live.]]

* TheMedic in ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' was a licensed doctor... before he does a malpractice [[NoodleIncident in which his patient's skeleton went missing]]. Fortunately, he still is ridiculously effective at it regardless, most likely thanks to his healing beam medigun. Other media plays this in an odd way: he is actually a stunningly competent physician, but he's also a MadScientist. He ''could'' use standard methods, but he'd rather start grafting animal parts into the patient's body and see what happens.

[[folder:Film]]
* In ''Film/{{Houseguest}}'', Sinbad's character is posing as a man known as a top-notch dentist. At one point, some other dentists ask him to demonstrate his technique on a tooth extraction. He starts off by accidentally washing his hands with Novocaine, and things just go downhill from there. He does somehow manage to get the tooth out, though.

* Dr. Zoidberg of ''{{WesternAnimation/{{Futurama}}'' is supposedly an expert in alien medicine. Unfortunately, most of his patients are human, and he has repeatedly been shown to have virtually no working knowledge of human biology. Several years of "healing" the crew later and we get a line stating his doctorate is in ''[[NotThatKindOfDoctor art history]]''. One episode shows that his name has become a byword in the medical community for absolute mind-boggling malpractice.

** A similar situation happens in ''[[{{ComicBook/Asterix}} and the Magic Carpet]]'', where a group of the Rajah's doctors get together to cure Cacofonix, who's lost his voice (which would in any other story be a blessing, but in this case they ''need'' him to sing). Their suggestions range from ineptly well-meaning to outright fatal (such as ''cutting his throat''), before settling on soaking him overnight in a mix of elephant milk, stool and hair. It does nothing to cure him. Near the end, Asterix gives him some of the magic potion so he can help fight off the villains, and it clears up his voice right away.

** A similar situation happens in ''[[{{ComicBook/Asterix and the Magic Carpet]]'', where a group of the Rajah's doctors get together to cure Cacofonix, who's lost his voice (which would in any other story be a blessing, but in this case they ''need'' him to sing). Their suggestions range from ineptly well-meaning to outright fatal (such as ''cutting his throat''), before settling on soaking him overnight in a mix of elephant milk, stool and hair. It does nothing to cure him. Near the end, Asterix gives him some of the magic potion so he can help fight off the villains, and it clears up his voice right away.

** A similar situation happens in ''Asterix and the Magic Carpet'', where a group of the Rajah's doctors get together to cure Cacofonix, who's lost his voice (which would in any other story be a blessing, but in this case they ''need'' him to sing). Their suggestions range from ineptly well-meaning to outright fatal (such as ''cutting his throat''), before settling on soaking him overnight in a mix of elephant milk, stool and hair. It does nothing to cure him. Near the end, Asterix gives him some of the magic potion so he can help fight off the villains, and it clears up his voice right away.

* ''[[{{ComicBook/Asterix}} Asterix in Switzerland]]'': The Roman consul needs to get rid of a tax collector he poisoned, so he summons his personal doctors, which he claims are deadlier than a legion when united. When the doctors are first removed from their drunken orgy, then spend time arguing about who's the best suited for the operation, ''then'' suggest multiple contradictory treatments (one of which has "if the patient survives..." in the middle), you get his point. Thankfully the collector is "kept hostage" by the Gauls until Asterix comes back with the cure.
** A similar situation happens in ''Asterix in India'', where a group of the Sultan's doctors get together to cure Cacofonix, who's lost his voice (whch would in any other story be a blessing, but in this case they ''need'' him to sing). Their suggestions range from ineptly well-meaning to outright fatal (such as ''cutting his throat''), before settling on soaking him overnight in a mix of elephant milk, stool and hair. It does nothing to cure him. Near the end, Asterix gives him some of the magic potion so he can help fight off the villains, and it clears up his voice right away.

[[folder:Anime and Manga ]]

* ''Manga/{{Gamaran}}'': While returning from his battle against the Tengen Ryuu Gama notices the gravity of the wound inflicted on his left arm and wonders if he can heal it with his saliva and proceeds to lick the wound. At this point Shimon Kudo steps him by telling him that he should visit a doctor instead.

[[folder:Comic Books ]]

[[folder:Comic Strips ]]

* PlayedForLaughs in ''FanFic/ForThoseWeCherish''. Apothecary Memnon has no idea how to treat non-Astartes. When JNPR comes to him for help after Jaune gets injured, they spend most of their time telling him "No, Jaune does not have any of those organs you're talking about" and him working down his tools until he disregards his Narthecium entirely and eventually goes for an anesthetic needle that is as long as a human forearm and carries a dose for a Space Marine.
* A truly terrifying example in ''FanFic/TheDragonKingsTemple''. Over the course of the first several chapters, Zuko is getting progressively sicker and sicker from elemental deprivation. Toph and Zuko both know that the only thing that can save him is some time outside under Sun, but the SGC repeatedly refuse to understand that "let us see sunlight" is not a metaphor for feeling confined and refuse to allow Toph and Zuko outside. What truly pushes it over into this trope is that one of the reasons they are so adamant about not letting Zuko go outside is precisely ''because'' he's suffering from elemental deprivation and they don't want to risk exposing him to Terran diseases with a weakened immune system.
* ''Fanfic/AllGuardsmenParty'': Due to the abnormal anatomy and physiology of Space Marines and the side-effects of Tyranid venom, Doc and Tink's attempts to administer first aid to Sergeant Gravis quickly devolves into this.

[[folder:Film ]]

[[folder:Literature ]]

* ''Literature/HarryPotterAndTheChamberOfSecrets'': Gilderoy Lockheart attempts to heal Harry's broken arm with a spell but accidentally removes all of the bones in his arm instead.
* In ''The Happy Return'' (the first ''Literature/HoratioHornblower'' book), the ship's only surgeon is an unqualified and panicky assistant. Given that this is ''already'' 1803, this is bad news for wounded sailors. Lady Barbara takes over care of the wounded herself and is much more competent, providing better care and helpful suggestions.

* A serious example in the ''[[Literature/HeraldsOfValdemar Collegium Chronicles]]''. At this point in Valdemar's history first aid training is discouraged by many Healers, and as a result Amily's broken leg isn't properly immobilized by her rescuers. By the time a Healer sees her, the bones have knit back together the wrong way, leaving her lame.
* Harry Harrison's ''Literature/BillTheGalacticHero'' loses a couple of limbs in battle and the replacements aren't particularly satisfactory as they are scavenged pretty much at random from the voluminous piles of body parts left lying around. In particular, his left arm was shot off and they replaced it with a right arm.

[[folder:Live Action Television ]]

* ''Radio/OurMissBrooks'': In "First Air Course", Miss Brooks purposely invokes this trope to avoid teaching the eponymous program.
* The "Historical Paramedics" sketches on ''Series/HorribleHistories'' feature 'paramedics' from different historical eras applying period remedies to modern day patients, and usually leaving the patients in a worse condition than when they started, to the horror of the patient and onlookers. Similar ideas are used in the "Historical Hospital" and "Historical Dentist" sketches.
* ''Series/SaturdayNightLive'' had several sketches about "[[http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Theodoric_of_York,_Medieval_Barber Theodoric of York, Medieval Barber]]'' (played by Creator/SteveMartin). He would order his patients to undergo bloodletting or some other medieval quackery, usually resulting in their disability or death.
* In ''Series/TheBeverlyHillbillies'' Granny brings her mountain doctorin' with her to Beverly Hills. She dislikes the drugstore because it has no drugs in it, "they should call it a what-not shop." Her "rumatiz medicine" is just bootleg whiskey. She has an old mountain cure for the common cold which a drug conglomerate wants to buy until they find out it's just grain alcohol and the prescription is to drink it daily, get plenty of bed rest and additional fluids, and your cold will be "miraculously" cured in about a week.

* In ''Series/{{Scrubs}}'' Doug is the worst intern ever, in fact he is so bad he makes the perfect coroner because he knows all the ways that a Doctor can screw up and kill someone.
-->'''Doug''': ''(examining a corpse)'' I'm betting he took a paracentesis needle to the aorta.
-->'''Coroner''': Have you seen this before?!
-->'''Doug''': Seen it? Upstairs [[PersonAsVerb they call that a 'Doug']]!

[[folder:Tabletop Games ]]

* A somewhat infamous ''TabletopGame/DungeonsAndDragons'' AfterActionReport had a DM discuss a time when the players were escorting a young orphan who came down with a minor cold. The players rolled a CriticalFailure to diagnose him, and believed it to be a case of "explosive wommblosis", opting to put the orphan out of his misery by shoving him in a sack and smacking him against a tree until he died.

[[folder:Video Games ]]

* TheMedic in ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' was a licensed doctor... before he does a malpractice [[NoodleIncident in which his patient's skeleton went missing]]. Fortunately, he still is ridiculously effective at it regardless, most likely thanks to his healing beam medigun. Other media plays this in an odd way: he is actually a stunningly competent physician, but he's also a MadScientist. He ''could'' use standard methods, but he'd rather start grafting animal parts into the patient's body and see what happens.
* Implied in the Videogame/MysteryCaseFiles title ''Escape From Ravenhearst'', in which an animatronic figure representing a MadDoctor spouts off disturbing statements while acting out the part of surgeon in a creepy hospital diorama. One of his lines is "I should have gone to medical school...".
* In ''VideoGame/RimWorld'', survivors have a Medic stat that determines how effective they are at treating one another's injuries. Poorly-treated wounds may produce permanent scars, impairing a character's abilities and making the affected body part more vulnerable to future damage. And the chance of a CriticalFailure of healthcare exists, which usually results in overly large/mistaken amputations and cuts in the wrong limbs and places entirely.
* ''VideoGame/SurgeonSimulator2013'' is built on this trope. In this game you perform surgery with intentionally awkward and clumsy controls, lots of inappropriate tools and very vague instructions about what you are actually supposed to do. The win conditions are also rather lax: A heart transplant counts as successful the moment the new heart is placed somewhere in the chest cavity, even if the patient's other vital organs are laying on the ground and the patient is seconds before bleeding out. The end-of-level message is "Looks fine to me, I'm sure he'll live."

* ''VideoGame/CrusaderKings'': If you have a disease, your court physician can be called upon to apply all the wonders of 8th-14th century medicine to you. Sometimes this can help, whether from placebo or the physician actually knowing what they're doing (e.g. performing a successful surgery to remove a cancerous growth), but sometimes they can can leave you worse off than before. The flavor text indulges in a lot of BlackComedy, whether or not it works.
* Florence Nightingale in ''VideoGame/FateGrandOrder'' is actually a nigh-inhumanly good physician and surgeon, and acts as a WhiteMage in gameplay. Unfortunately, she also has a 19th-century knowledge base and habits, and is under a curse that makes her obsessively want to keep everyone in perfect health. As a result, leave her to her own devices and she will throw someone into quarantine over a case of the hiccups and employ amputation as her first resort for every physical ailment. It doesn't help that she considers "the patient is dead and therefore not sick anymore" to be a more acceptable result than leaving them sick.

[[folder:Web Animation ]]

* ''Machinima/RedVsBlue'' has Doc, who has endorsed CPR as a valid treatment for a bullet to the head, treated a gunshot wound to the foot by rubbing the victim's neck with some aloe vera. Though as he's quick to remind people, he's not a doctor he's a medic. A doctor helps you recover, a medic just makes you feel better while you die. Later character Dr. Gray ''is'' an actual doctor and is perfectly capable of keeping people alive... [[ColdBloodedTorture in situations where they really probably shouldn't be]].
* In ''WebAnimation/TheGrosseryGang'' webseries arc "Get Well Spewn", the cures that Rocky, Meathead, and Fingers try and use to help a cold-affected Pizza Face are this. These include a dunking in molten hot sauce, a slushie-and-sour-milk concoction poured through his nostrils, and attempting to roll him up to squeeze all his snot out.

[[folder:Web Comics ]]

* ''Webcomic/SaturdayMorningBreakfastCereal'' provides the page image, along with a number of other "fake doctor" and "bad doctor" strips.

* Discussed concerning [[TheMedic Mikkel]] in ''WebComic/StandStillStaySilent''. After having the latest work of the team's self-taught runic magic practitioner spontaneously catch fire in his pocket, shortly followed by the practioner in question going into trance along with the team's official mage, Emil turns to fellow FlatEarthAtheist Mikkel for a little support in his currently shaken belief that magic is not real. Mikkel turns out to actually be in the same place as Emil ever since he worked alongside a Norwegian healing-oriented mage and noticed that her patients recovered as fast as his own. They both realize that the alternate explanation to magic being real is that Mikkel is actually lousy as a medic, which would be an uncomfortable truth as well.

* Snake is [[http://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/order-of-operations portrayed as this]] in a ''Webcomic/AwkwardZombie'' strip parodying ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid3SnakeEater''. The game's rather simplified medical treatment mechanics result in Snake just performing operations on his arm through trial and error until he considers himself healed. From what we can tell, he put on the bandages, then dressed the wound, then applied disinfectant, then stitched himself up, ''in that order''--meaning, among other things, he stitched the bandages and dressing into his flesh. He also forgets to remove the bullet, and upon remembering this, digs it out with a combat knife without even bothering to take off the bandages first.

[[folder:Western Animation ]]

* Dr. Zoidberg of ''{{WesternAnimation/Futurama}}'' is supposedly an expert in alien medicine. Unfortunately, most of his patients are human, and he has repeatedly been shown to have virtually no working knowledge of human biology. Several years of "healing" the crew later and we get a line stating his doctorate is in ''[[NotThatKindOfDoctor art history]]''. One episode shows that his name has become a byword in the medical community for absolute mind-boggling malpractice.

* Doctor Vindaloo, a recurring bit character on ''WesternAnimation/CourageTheCowardlyDog'', has a doctorate hanging on his wall that actually reads "Quack" on it. His appearances usually consist of making a bleak and outlandish diagnosis, before [[FalseReassurance reassuring the patient:]]
--> "There is nothink to worry about. Nothink at ohl... but there is nothink I can do."

* Dr. Krieger on ''WesternAnimation/{{Archer}}'' is a subversion of this. He apparently isn't a real doctor (it seems his first name is actually "Doctor"), has no real concept of human anatomy and mostly performs highly questionable "mad science" under non-sterile conditions, but somehow usually ends up healing his patients and even [[Series/TheSixMillionDollarMan making them better than they were before]].
* ''WesternAnimation/DanVs'': In "[[Recap/DanVsS1E5DanVsTheAnimalShelter Dan Vs. The Animal Shelter]]", two hospital orderlies mention offhand that only the patients with really good insurance get examined by a real doctor--everyone else just sees an actor dressed as a doctor. This becomes a ChekhovsGag when, at the end, Dan gets his face badly scratched by a cat and has to go to the hospital:
-->'''Doctor''': Okay, let's get those pants off.
-->'''Dan''': Um, I'm here about my face being all scratched.
-->'''Doctor''': ''[chuckles]'' Oh, don't worry. I'm not a doctor.
-->''[ScareChord. Episode ends.]''
* ''WesternAnimation/LiloAndStitchTheSeries'': In the episode "Poxy", Pleakley gets a bizarre illness. When he tells Lilo and Stitch about it, their response is to attempt to "operate" on Pleakley - in Stitch's case, by way of a chainsaw.
* ''WesternAnimation/BuddyThunderstruck'': Roby attempts to fake an injury at a truck stop in order to sue, but unfortunately for him, Buddy is under the impression that he can fix a broken back with Heimlich; and then what he actually does is attempt to perform CPR instead.
* ''WesternAnimation/{{Disenchantment}}:'' A health spa tries to cure drinking spoiled water by irritating the patient back to health, by having him tortured for twenty-four hours by a jerkass. Afterwards, the spa attendant admits that the cure could just be the passage of time.

* The Guild of Barber-Surgeons in ''Literature/{{Discworld}}'' seem to mostly be this, at least until former BackAlleyDoctor Dr Lawn rises high enough in the profession to make some changes. In ''Discworld/FeetOfClay'', when Colon suggests calling a doctor in for Lord Vetinari, Vimes replies "Are you mad? We want him to live!" (which is why they call a veterinarian instead, more competent because the local mafia gets very angry when a racehorse dies).

[[folder: Anime and Manga ]]

[[folder: Comic Books ]]

[[folder: Fan Works]]

[[folder: Film ]]

[[folder: Literature ]]

[[folder: Live Action Television ]]

[[folder: Music]]

[[folder: Tabletop Games ]]

[[folder: Video Games ]]

[[folder: Web Animation ]]

[[folder: Web Comics ]]

[[folder: Western Animation ]]

* In ''Toys/TheGrosseryGang'' webseries arc "Get Well Spewn", the cures that Rocky, Meathead, and Fingers try and use to help a cold-affected Pizza Face are this. These include a dunking in molten hot sauce, a slushie-and-sour-milk concoction poured through his nostrils, and attempting to roll him up to squeeze all his snot out.

* The Y-17 trauma harness in ''VideoGame/FalloutNewVegas'' was a suit of armor designed to carry someone back to a home base when they were injured, and even defend themselves due to "learning" to fight from their wearer. Due to poor design, this meant that it was keeping people trapped inside and moving them great distances in a way near-guaranteed to exacerbate their injuries (and if the home base wasn't defined, then the suit entered a "wander" state and just patrolled aimlessly). Unsurprisingly, most users of the harness died inside one, and by the time you find them, they're still patrolling, with the skeletons of their old users still stuck inside.

[[folder: Comics ]]

* ''ComicStrip/TheFarSide''
** One strip had a husband trying to practice home surgery on his wife using a Time-Life book and complaining that she's thrashing around too much.
** The retrospective book ''The Prehistory of The Far Side'' had a bunch of comic sketches that were never submitted to newspapers for whatever reason. One of these had a bunch of doctors performing surgery. The head surgeon stops and says "Wow, halfway through the procedure and suddenly I'm drawing a complete blank. In fact, I think I'm an ice cream man."

* The now-defunct Norwegian comic strip ''Riskhospitalet'' (a pun on the real-life 'Rikshospitalet', the National Hospital of Norway) was about nothing but this: The cast were all a series of idiots and anyone sent there was in serious risk of a medical mishap of some sort.

* In ''VideoGame/RimWorld'', survivors have a Medic stat that determines how effective they are at treating one another's injuries. Poorly-treated wounds may produce permanent scars, impairing a character's abilities and making the affected body part more vulnerable to future damage.

* ''Series/KidsInTheHall'' Dave Foley's Bad Doctor admits to coasting on charm and referrals, and in another sketch removes Mark McKinney's appendix and leaves him with a scar in the shape of a swastika, then orders the nurse to give him heroin.

* Snake is [[http://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/order-of-operations portrayed as this]] in a ''Webcomic/AwkwardZombie'' strip parodying ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid3SnakeEater''. The game's rather simplified medical treatment mechanics result in Snake just performing operations on his arm through trial and error until he considers himself healed--including putting on the bandages ''before'' he starts suturing the wound, resulting in them being sewn into his flesh. He also forgets to remove the bullet, and upon remembering this, digs it out with a combat knife without even bothering to take off the bandages first.

* A non-canon strip in ''WebComic/SidekickGirl'' has Val try to help one of the comic's creators with her back problems... via a '[[HealingShiv healing spinal punch'. It doesn't work out.

* Snake is [[http://www.awkwardzombie.com/comic/order-of-operations portrayed as this]] in a ''Webcomic/AwkwardZombie'' strip parodying ''VideoGame/MetalGearSolid3SnakeEater''. The game's rather simplified medical treatment mechanics result in Snake just performing operations on his arm through trial and error until he considers himself healed--including putting on the bandages ''before'' he starts suturing the wound, resulting in them being sewn into his flesh. He also forgets to take out the bullet, and upon remembering this, digs it out with a combat knife without even bothering to remove the bandages first.

* ''Machinima/RedVsBlue'' has Doc, who has endorsed CPR as a valid treatment for a bullet to the head, treated a gunshot wound to the foot by rubbing the victim's neck with some aloe vera. Though as he's quick to remind people, he's not a doctor he's a medic. A doctor helps you recover, a medic just makes you feel better while you die.