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* He closes it out by calling the game a good constipation aid.
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* He closes it out by calling the game a [[BringMyBrownPants good constipation aid.aid]].
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Mother Teresa's real life is most likely irrelevant to the quote.
Deleted line(s) 31 (click to see context) :
** Made even funnier since Mother Teresa was hardly the saint she's often made out to be and actually did some pretty terrible things.
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* Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "[[AC:The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and his Angsty Little Pal)]]"
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* Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "[[AC:The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and [-(and his Angsty Little Pal)]]"Pal)-]]]"
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* TheStinger with Yahtzee making a GagDub of the phone call scenes from ''VideoGame/SilentHill1'' and ''VideoGame/SilentHill3''.
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*** As this troper can testify, actually doing this with most Zelda games makes quite a few lines absolutely ''hysterical.'' And oddly fitting in a few instances, too.
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[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Back to Index]]
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[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Back to Index]]
Funny (Non-ZP)]] | '''Zero Punctuation 1 (2007 - 2011)''' | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation2 Zero Punctuation 2 (2011 - 2013)]] | [[Funny/ZeroPunctuation3 Zero Punctuation 3 (2013 - )]]
----
----
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Changed line(s) 394 (click to see context) from:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "Once upon a time, [[UsedToBeASweetKid a fresh-faced youngster]] saved up all his pennies and brought his first [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation2 PS2]]. And with it, he bought a game called [[Videogame/RedFaction Red Faction 1]]. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be [[{{Shovelware}} shite]]. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. [[WhenItAllBegan Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you]].
to:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "Once upon a time, [[UsedToBeASweetKid a fresh-faced youngster]] saved up all his pennies and brought his first [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation2 PS2]]. And with it, he bought a game called [[Videogame/RedFaction Red Faction 1]]. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be [[{{Shovelware}} [[UsefulNotes/{{Shovelware}} shite]]. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. [[WhenItAllBegan Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you]].
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** The on-screen text reads "Use GUN on OBLIVIOUS POTTYMOUTHED JERK", while the Sniper aims at the back of Yahtzee's own avatar.
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Changed line(s) 415,416 (click to see context) from:
[[folder:Wolfenstein]]
* "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein in Limerick form]]''".
* "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein in Limerick form]]''".
to:
*
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Changed line(s) 394,395 (click to see context) from:
** Which is immediately followed by him ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about!
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about!
to:
** Which is immediately followed by him [[DisproportionateRetribution ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:
misfortunes]]:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one caresabout! about!"
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares
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Red Faction: Guerrilla
[[folder: Red Faction: Guerrilla]]
* The start of this review, which is presented with a somewhat [[TroubledBackstoryFlashback grimly-humourous toned fairy tale]] narrating Yahtzee's StartOfDarkness:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "Once upon a time, [[UsedToBeASweetKid a fresh-faced youngster]] saved up all his pennies and brought his first [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation2 PS2]]. And with it, he bought a game called [[Videogame/RedFaction Red Faction 1]]. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be [[{{Shovelware}} shite]]. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. [[WhenItAllBegan Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you]].
** Which is immediately followed by him ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about!
[[/folder]]
* The start of this review, which is presented with a somewhat [[TroubledBackstoryFlashback grimly-humourous toned fairy tale]] narrating Yahtzee's StartOfDarkness:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "Once upon a time, [[UsedToBeASweetKid a fresh-faced youngster]] saved up all his pennies and brought his first [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation2 PS2]]. And with it, he bought a game called [[Videogame/RedFaction Red Faction 1]]. And after rushing home to play he discovered that Red Faction 1 was not a very good game. Actually, it was total shite on a crusty roll. And on that day something changed in that optimistic youth. He realised that for all the pomp and excitement of a new console generation, there will always be [[{{Shovelware}} shite]]. And no amount of emotion engines can un-shite the shite. [[WhenItAllBegan Thus began his downfall into the black, emotionless, flinty-hearted creature you see before you]].
** Which is immediately followed by him ready to tear the game a new one for his childhood misfortunes:
--> '''Yahtzee''': "You know when [[Film/ConanTheBarbarian1982 Conan the Barbarian]] watched his village being destroyed as a kid and twenty years later gets the opportunity to avenge himself on the guy who did it? That's kind of where I'm at right now. So here it is: a game about a bunch of twats doing shit no one cares about!
[[/folder]]
Changed line(s) 696 (click to see context) from:
* "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
to:
* Yahtzee deciding to roleplay his experience of the game with this review, complete with the sassy 50's jazz music playing in each interlude between the days spent in the game world.
** Yahtzee: "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
** Yahtzee: "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
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Changed line(s) 611 (click to see context) from:
You can't do that (somehow).\\
to:
[[YouCantGetYeFlask You can't do that (somehow).\\]]\\
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Changed line(s) 470 (click to see context) from:
-->''Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'', ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'', ''VideoGame/DantesInferno'', and ''VideoGame/GodOfWarIII''... ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, and... Well, ''Franchise/GodOfWar''.''
to:
-->''Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'', ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'', ''VideoGame/DantesInferno'', and ''VideoGame/GodOfWarIII''... ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, and... Well, ''Franchise/GodOfWar''.''VideoGame/{{God of War|Series}}''.''
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* "[[XMeetsY What would you get if you took]] the corpse of Creator/JRRTolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from [[TourettesShitCockSyndrome Tourette's Syndrome?]] Well, [[LiteralMetaphor first you'd get a throatful of dead writer,]] [[RealityEnsues then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien.]]"
to:
* "[[XMeetsY What would you get if you took]] the corpse of Creator/JRRTolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from [[TourettesShitCockSyndrome [[HollywoodTourettes Tourette's Syndrome?]] Well, [[LiteralMetaphor first you'd get a throatful of dead writer,]] [[RealityEnsues then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien.]]"
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* "The other members of your party are an angsty leprechaun version of [[WesternAnimation/TheNightmareBeforeChristmas Jack Skellington]], and an angsty lady, whose angst apparently stems from a question mark hanging over the whole 'lady' thing, or should i say, hanging under."
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-->'''Yahtzee:''' I mean, is it just because no one can come up with new ideas? It's not hard. Here's one: a genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, knockers, [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil4 ballistiques]], boobies, jugs, nipples, [[UnusualEuphemism jubblies]], '''STONKING GREAT TITS!'''
to:
-->'''Yahtzee:''' I mean, is it just because no one can come up with new ideas? It's not hard. Here's one: a genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, knockers, [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil4 ballistiques]], boobies, jugs, nipples, [[UnusualEuphemism jubblies]], '''STONKING GREAT TITS!'''
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-->'''Yahtzee:''' I mean, is it just because no one can come up with new ideas? It's not hard. Here's one: a genetically-engineered Taiwanese chef teams up with a newt in a fez to rescue his large-bosomed girlfriend from mummies. There, you see? It's easy. A breast cancer specialist with large bosoms journeys through time to pay for a breast enlargement. A race of bosom people set out on an armada of bosoms to find a new bosom homeworld. Bosoms, melons, milk factories, busts, funbags, knockers, knockers, [[VideoGame/ResidentEvil4 ballistiques]], boobies, jugs, nipples, [[UnusualEuphemism jubblies]], '''STONKING GREAT TITS!'''
-->''[cue "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Music/{{Queen}}]''
-->''[cue "Fat Bottomed Girls" by Music/{{Queen}}]''
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* When Yahtzee describes the game as being a kick in the balls to PC Gamers used to [[VideoGame/SystemShock more]] [[VideoGame/DeusEx complicated]] [[VideoGame/{{Stalker}} examples]] of FPS RPG games (represented by a Big Daddy kicking Yahtzee's avatar squarely between the legs), he qualifies the statement by calling it a gentler kick than most, "an extremely pretty, well-executed kick in the balls", tucking a large violet flower behind the Big Daddy's ear and adding a Little Sister standing behind the Big Daddy [[HoldUpYourScore giving him a 6.0]].
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* Criticising the game's horrible camera control: "In third-person games, the camera is like the working class: if you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you!"
to:
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* Criticising the game's horrible camera control: "In third-person games, the camera is like the working class: if you can't control it, it will plot to destroy you!"
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* "See people, this is why we need to introduce a constitutional monarchy! Wark wark!"
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* Essflawcondodgeckindesimudstorliketersockity.
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* From ''NinjaGaiden 2'': "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]"
to:
* From ''NinjaGaiden ''VideoGame/NinjaGaiden 2'': "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]"
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* His opinion on buying expansion packs and his depiction of the mental image it brings up CrossesTheLineTwice:
-->"--the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end of my arse, and floss myself to death."
-->"--the day I fork out seventy bucks for an expansion pack is the day I swallow razor wire, pull the end of my arse, and floss myself to death."
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** Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own AuthorAvatar.
to:
** Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own AuthorAvatar.AuthorAvatar, and due to the timeframe of the game's release and when they met, it's entirely possible that the other is [[VitriolicBestBuds Gabe]].
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* In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character [[VideoGame/JustCause Rico]] as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. [[YouFailPhysicsForever He might not be too far off the mark.]]
to:
* In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character [[VideoGame/JustCause [[VideoGame/JustCause2 Rico]] as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. [[YouFailPhysicsForever He might not be too far off the mark.]]
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[[Funny/ZeroPunctuation Back to Index]]
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[[foldercontrol]]
[[folder:Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff]]
* Nariko's outfit:
--> The whole effect does not so much as scream "battle-hardened swordswoman" as it does the phrase, "Try and pull this one off, {{cosplay}}ers."
* The demo's stand-out line "We may need you to play twing-twang.":
--> My first thought when I heard that was, "[[QuoteMine I am so going to quote that out of context]],” but on reflection [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context, either]]. If the developers were hoping I’d consider buying the full game just to see what twing-twang is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus ''yeah I went there''.
** In fact, that provides the page quote for MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext.
* "Since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone erection and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things like arm wrestling and grunting, and if you're seeing [[FreudWasRight a sort of Freudian motif]] going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Psychonauts]]
* [[SchmuckBait The experiment in the beginning of the episode]] [[spoiler: is actually a punishment for not buying ''VideoGame/{{Psychonauts}}'']].
** (If you did buy ''Psychonauts'', please disregard the preceding.)
* Yahtzee’s description of the game’s LoveItOrHateIt status: "''Psychonauts'' seems like a rather polarizing game in that some people seem to think it's the kind of thing Jesus would make if he was alive and wasn't a pussy and some other people feel it's a chunky vomit milkshake severely overhyped by the people in party A."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Console Rundown]]
* The subtitle: [[FlameBait an adventure in fanboy baiting]].
* While talking about Final Fantasy 13 Lightning herself is suprised that she is actually a woman and not another androgynous male.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bioshock]]
* A line about boiling water apparently being able to form allegiances in the game is accompanied by a jar of water on a Bunsen burner screaming "FUCK THE POPE!"
* The rant on the extremely binary nature of the KarmaMeter:
-->"There are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 Skeletor]] whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or [[EatsBabies baby-eating]]. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then." ''([[GoldenMeanFallacy cue picture of]] [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Mother Teresa eating a baby]])''
** Made even funnier since Mother Teresa was hardly the saint she's often made out to be and actually did some pretty terrible things.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tomb Raider Anniversary]]
* After spending the whole review trying to avoid referring to breasts, Yahtzee falls prey to the FreudianSlipperySlope, which culminates in a HurricaneOfEuphemisms for boobies.
** Before that, his musings on playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaider'' as a kid:
---> '''Yahtzee''': It kind of [[NostalgiaFilter takes me back to when I was fifteen]] and playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaider'' and I'd back her up into a corner to get the best view[[note]]arrow points at her chest[[/note]] of her juicy--[[LastSecondWordSwap thighs]][[note]]arrow points at her thighs[[/note]].\\
''(Caption reading "[[AC:Phew, That Was a Close One]]" pops up)''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Manhunt]]
* The opening song...
--> ''Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows''
* It's hard to catch, but in the review he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that ''{{Franchise/Barbie}} Horse Riding'' has over twice as much hardcore violence as ''VideoGame/{{Resistance}}: Fall of Man''.
* Yahtzee's "No, and go fuck yourself, you ignorant scaremongering cockbags!" being captioned as "No, and I consider your argument misinformed."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Peggle]]
* On the game's addictiveness.
-->''I started playing at around noon and [[JustOneMoreLevel emerged from my room some time later to find the authorities had declared me legally dead.]]''
* "Allow me to hold your head under the waters of putrescent waters of knowledge" complete with diagram of Yahtzee doing that.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo 3]]
* Describing the companion AI as "Pants-on-head retarded", complete with image of companion wearing pants on head. (Also keep in mind that Yahtzee is British, so by "pants" he means "underpants".)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tabula Rasa]]
* "Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Orange Box]]
* "It's short, it's cheap, and it comes with lots of fun extras, not unlike [[YourMom yer mum]]."
* Comparing Half Life 2: Episode Two's use of RememberTheNewGuy to "coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the dinner table, and you're the only one who seems to notice."
-->More potatoes, Uncle Tusky?
* Comparing playing a Sniper in ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' to playing an adventure game where "the only puzzle is 'Use GUN on MAN'."
* Admitting that he can't find any serious problems with ''VideoGame/{{Portal}}'': "This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent [[ADateWithRosiePalms a force-feedback codpiece]]."
* "If you like blazing action peppered with variety and cleverness you could do a hell of a lot worse than Half-Life 2: Episode 2 (Manchester United nil). Now then, Team Fortress 2 (Liverpool 3, sorry, I'll stop this now)."
** It's always funny when Yahtzee takes game titles that contain numbers and turn them into the final scores of sporting events.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Paper Mario]]
* While discussing {{JRPG}}s he liked Yahtzee likens VideoGame/{{Earthbound}} to the CthulhuMythos mixed with [[{{Peanuts}} The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show]].
* "Ït's an enjoyable installment, but the developers don't seem into it anymore, so perhaps it's time to put this franchise to bed. ''Then smother it to death.''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass]]
* "The Hero called "[[Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda Link]]" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the [[HelloInsertNameHere "Enter Name" feature]], and "Fagballs" on all the others."
** "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Foghorn Leghorn]]."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Clive Barker's Jericho]]
* Calling ''VideoGame/CliveBarkersJericho'': [[InCaseYouForgotWhoWroteIt "Clive Barker's Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker"]].
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Guitar Hero III]]
* The review being stuffed with HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday, before ending:
-->"On the whole though it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls. [both figures stop playing and stare at the fourth wall] I mean... as it used to be. [[[{{Beat}} awkward silence]]] ''I'm not gay.''"
** Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own AuthorAvatar.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Mario Galaxy]]
* "You could transplant the head of [[ThoseWackyNazis Joseph Goebbels]] onto the body of a praying mantis, and it would still compare favorable to ''VideoGame/SuperMarioSunshine''."
* The return of Uncle Tusky!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Origins]]
* Yahtzee compares ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'''s writing compared to the rest of the video game industry, like Creator/CharlesDickens joining a forum for ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim'' FanFiction. [[SelfDeprecation Yahtzee appears in the crowd of the dorky-looking fanfic writers]].
* "Also, you have one second to name any game in which [[BreakableWeapons weapon degradation]] has been a good idea. ''({{beat}})'' Time's up. That's what I thought! There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate."
* Yahtzee wonders where Travis found a body warmer that was spacious enough to store 18 portable [=TVs=]. Cue a animation of pile of [=TVs=] falling out of Travis' vest and him hastily stating "I don't know how they got in there, officer!"
* "But it's impossible to care about [Travis] because A) he's a breathtaking nonentity with all the emotion of a polystyrene block, and B) there's no reason for him to be in the town at all. There's no missing wife or daughter keeping him motivated; the only conceivable reason for not turning on his heel and fleeing with nary a backward glance or stop at the gift shop is sheer determined retardation."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Witcher]]
* "[[XMeetsY What would you get if you took]] the corpse of Creator/JRRTolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from [[TourettesShitCockSyndrome Tourette's Syndrome?]] Well, [[LiteralMetaphor first you'd get a throatful of dead writer,]] [[RealityEnsues then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien.]]"
* "[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher 20 minutes. Out front.]] [[ItMakesSenseInContext Puffer fish.]]"
** "Okay, now I just have to figure out if that was a man or a woman..."
* "You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and ''melt away between their smooth milky thighs'' '''''as the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous bodies''''', but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that."
** THINK OF SOMETHING WHOLESOME INSTEAD
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Duty 4]]
* (Waffle about game physics)... "and now, to counteract the seriousness of that last sentence, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnZ-5DZhySg Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers]]".
* When Yahtzee describes Call of Duty's deconstruction of typical war tropes he says it is what elevates Call of Duty 4 from average to excellent, before clarifying that the word excellent shouldn't just be tossed around and even so it doesn't rank far on the scale of other excellent things, where Call of Duty is on the far left, Portal is to the right, and at the very end of the scale there is a picture of Jesus Christ.[[/folder]]
[[folder:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]]
* The drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says [[CrossesTheLineTwice "THE BABY IS FINE]] [[BlatantLies THE BABY IS OKAY."]]
* The bit where Yahtzee [[ArtShift shifts from his usual style to a video recording of himself]], where he patiently explains that a QuickTimeEvent should not be used in a way that promotes FakeDifficulty, especially if they're done in a way [[PressXToNotDie the player can't expect]] - [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment before a "Press X to Dodge" message suddenly flashes on the screen]], and [[UnfazedEveryman Yahtzee]] nonchalantly dodges a thrown object, all while still calmly explaining his point.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Turok]]
* The titlecards for each chapter of the review, which suffer increasing degrees of typos and other abuse.
* Yahtzee's explanation for why FirstPersonShooter games of recent [[WalkItOff have abandoned health meters]]: "Maybe someone threw a big party for video game interfaces, and Mr. Health Meter got drunk and acted like a tit, so now everyone shuns him".
* The FunnyBackgroundEvent in the ending credits. The heads-up display from VideoGame/{{Doom}} is shown on the bottom of the screen, with Yahtzee’s cartoon head replacing that of the game's protagonist, when an imp [[InterfaceScrew removes the head and sits in its place]].
* "Instead of doing what I normally do i.e crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises, let's instead use turok as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first person shooters keep consistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them, then maybe I could persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom."
* On the game completely disregarding the backstory to the series and instead just making another generic first person shooter with a cast based off of aliens: "They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good, and that's sort of admirable, I guess. In a retarded kind of way" with a [[UglyCute bug eyed pug]] in the foreground.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure]]
* "I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously."
* Yahtzee continuing to get Zack and Wiki's names wrong (intentionally), eventually ending up calling them "Whack and Sticky".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Condemned 2: Bloodshot]]
* Yahtzee trying to pour in the ParanoiaFuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under your bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game:
--> "''Condemned: Bloodshot'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[VideoGame/{{Half-Life2}} Combine]] would throw together if they were all ''drunk'', and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I wish I was fucking kidding]].''"
* And when comparing the first game's "Forensics" mini-game to clicking an "OK" button, we're treated to this FreezeFrameBonus.
-->'''LISTEN UP CHUCKLES''' - {{Film/Session9}} was actually pretty good.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]
* Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from Gametraders Robina) due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from (Gametraders Robina) over and over again, the final time (Gametraders Robina) actually giving the exact address of the store.
* Yahtzee complains about having to unlock [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid Solid Snake]] and [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic the Hedgehog]], prompting [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Mario]] to pop up.
--> '''Mario''': Looks like-a you'll have to play with a-me instead.
** Yahtzee responds by [[BoomHeadshot shooting Mario in the head.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mailbag Showdown]]
* Arguably the most controversial episode, but also one of the funniest if you have thicker skin. Yahtzee got [[HePannedItNowHeSucks more hate mail than normal]] after panning Super Smash so he decided to do a video as an open response to the criticism. [[DearNegativeReader The first line before responding to the emails set the tone:]]
--> Yahtzee: So without further ado, Go Team Retard!
* "I do point out every little thing that is bad about a game, but then, I'm a critic! It'd be weird if I didn't. If I put people's balls in my mouth for a living, I'd be a prostitute, or possibly [[TakeThat a Gamespot employee]]..."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The World Ends With You]]
* "And [the protagonist] has to team up with a partner, partly to make the most of the DS dual screen, but mostly to [[{{Anvilicious}} teach him a valuable life lesson about friendship and acceptance]] and everything else ''Series/SesameStreet'' used to bang on about whenever Cookie Monster wasn't around."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]]
* "Every now and again, the planets would align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ."
* "My only previous experience with ''Franchise/TheElderScrolls'' series was a brief spell of [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIIIMorrowind Morrowind]] during the previous planetary alignment, in which I ran around some muddy countryside in the rain for a few hours fending off weird sub-human creatures. So basically it was just like [[UsefulNotes/GlastonburyFestival Glastonbury]] [[TakeThat Festival.]]"
* Yahtzee's explanation for why he thinks the Player Character was in jail in the first place - for shagging the Emperor's wife and daughter at the same time, while playing a guitar solo on the corpse of God.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Metal Gear Solid 4]]
* After describing Snake and Otacon's relationship: "That oozing sound you just heard was all the world's [[SlashFic homoerotic fanfiction]] writers simultaneously emitting [[JizzedInMyPants torrents of hot lady-spunk]]." At which point the screen reads "THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT."
* Also for the genuinely batshit plot of the ''Franchise/MetalGear'' series:
-->"Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" ([[RebusBubble [Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] ]])
[[/folder]]
[[folder:LEGO Indy]]
* "... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alone in the Dark]]
* The BRollRebus for the phrase "terrible execution" involves a guy stuck in a guillotine backwards so that his feet are about to be chopped off.
* The "Terry vs Gonad" sequence.
-->"Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself
* The bit about the female sidekick, Sarah Flores:
-->Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up. (The accompanying animation depicts the game prompt first saying "PressXToNotDie" before turning into "You going to Press X or What", as Edward casually sits around in a chair and ignores both the prompt and Sarah.)
* If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch, you do not stick around for the pudding.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The [=E3=] Trailer Park]]
* "Those of you that are paying attention will no doubt notice that all these games are sequels, [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park And for those of you not paying attention...]]" *claps* "OI!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Ninja Gaiden II]]
* From ''NinjaGaiden 2'': "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]"
* Summing up the ExcusePlot: demons over there, kill they ass.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:PrinceOfPersiaRetrospective]]
* The "Don't stick your dick in a pudding" metaphor.
--> ''(summing up ''Warrior Within'')'' It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afterrnon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because ''YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!''
** About Warrior Within's [[DarkerAndEdgier darker atmosphere]]:
--> It seems that Ubisoft decided that emo culture was "in," so they went around the office one morning and fired everyone who was smiling.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Soul Calibur IV]]
* Yahtzee creating a character modeled after himself, with the "Charisma" and "Morals" sliders set to ''zero'' while "Bile", "Articulation", "Standards" and "[[NiceHat Hat]]" are all maxed.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Braid]]
* While ranting on the lack of innovation in the games industry:
--> "And do you know who I blame for all this? YOU! Yes, you, the public. Especially you, [[ParanoiaFuel ADRIAN!]] (That probably isn't your name, but it was worth it to freak out all the Adrians in the world.)"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Spore]]
* "Will Wright created ''TheSims'', a franchise which by shrewdly combining user-created assets, the powers of a [[VideogameCrueltyPotential malevolent trickster god]] and a massive amount of implied nudity, now annually makes about [[CashCowFranchise twice as much money as Belgium]]. So can his new game, ''{{Spore}}'', [[ToughActToFollow possibly live up to that legacy]]? In short: No. In long: [[BigNo Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo]][[OverlyLongGag ooooooooo...]]."
** Said "Nooooo..." lasts for roughly 15 seconds.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mercenaries 2]]
* "There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[MsFanservice Ivy]] from ''VideoGame/SoulCalibur'''s pants ride up, which are perfectly natural for growing young men."
* On the fear of AlwaysABiggerFish, one of his complaints about ''Mercenaries 2'': "So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[GiantEnemyCrab giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab at the end of it all."
* Yahtzee's new name for the game: [[DeathFromAbove "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes"]].
* The immortal line: "Forgiveness, however, isn't a strong point of mine, so I'll just conclude by saying that ''Mercenaries 2'' can '''eat a dick pavlova.'''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]]
* Yahtzee [[InsistentTerminology always refers]] to the game by spelling out the letters in "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", i.e. "Ess-Tee-Ay-Ell-Kay-Ee-Ar: Clear Sky".
* "You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus. But I'll tell you the worst part worst part worst part worst part worst part [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties *System error*]] ''[[OrphanedPunchline And whistled for a baboon]]''!"
** Even funnier is the FreezeFrameBonus error message at this part.
-->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Angry policemen are en route and resistance will only make them angrier.
** Then repeated [[CreditsGag at the end of the video]]:
-->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problems persist, sing gentle lullabies and lovingly stroke its hair.
* Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either extremely fat or uncomfortably well-endowed."
* When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom fursuited guy]]. With all the former ones terrified!
* "We've all been made complacent by tutorial levels and health regeneration. It's up to games like ''Ess Tee Ay Ell Kay Ee Arr'' to remind you that you're going to be just as useless after the downfall of society as you are now, ''{{nerd}}''.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Homecoming]]
* Yahtzee's tangent on {{Romantic Plot Tumor}}s:
-->"This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition."\\
(''Illustrated by [[Franchise/StarWars Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]] suddenly interrupting during their climatic lightsaber duel to put on cowboy-hats and start dancing'')\\
"We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about."
* And then the follow up:
-->"And if that's not enough, you get a wise-cracking [[TokenMinority black friend]] [[UncleTomfoolery drenched in stereotype]]. Towards the end, there's a bit where you're given the choice to either save him or let him die, [[EthnicScrappy and I could not hit that "No" button fast enough, I tell you that.]]"
* Then finally the conclusion:
-->It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone ''Film/SilentHill'' movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Creator/SeanBean doing something totally fucking irrelevant.\\
(''Slide with Sean Bean playing with a paper airplane'')
* Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "[[AC:The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and his Angsty Little Pal)]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Saints Row 2]]
* Yahtzee on giving gamers too much freedom, coinciding with his belief that HumansAreMorons [[HumansKillWantonly Who Kill For Fun]]
--> "If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out [[RuleOfThree onto an old lady]]."
* "Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fable II]]
* How he ends the review, claiming that the developers distract players from the game's flaws by going ''"Ooooh wook, it's a doggy! Mash up his widdle face and call him Chips."''
* The completely random and unremarked on cameo by Creator/FyodorDostoevsky, who briefly joins the AuthorAvatar in the animation.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fallout 3]]
* The beginning of the review:
--> ...[[BreatherEpisode Yeah, it's pretty good.]] ''(cue credits, which get cut short after two slides)'' [[AvertedTrope Alright]], [[CausticCritic alright!]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Guitar Hero: World Tour]]
* Wait until after the credits to hear Yahtzee ''sing'' his [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j8jMn2Kcgs "Deus Ex Song."]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mirror's Edge]]
* At the end of his paragraph decrying the excessive use of bloom effects, Yahtzee says the last two sentences in a tone that is matter-of-fact yet filled to the brim with weary resignation mixed with mild disgust. The way it caps the {{Bathos}} of the bit turns it into comic gold.
-->"So he did. And then he ate his own shoes."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Left 4 Dead]]
* The poster for a [[ZombieApocalypse Zombie Apocalypse]] film, with the title been: "Oh Christ, Them Cunts Be Dead."
* "...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever he’s bored; [[TheComputerIsACheatingBastard which is all the time.]] "
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tomb Raider Underworld]]
* "Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!"
** And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger.
* Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara: [[spoiler:[[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason Voorhees.]]]]
-->They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrassing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever ''JUST FUCKING DIE!''"
* Lara staring at her hands in a way that indicates MyGodWhatHaveIDone after shooting someone. Followed by her casually brushing off some dust and wearing the dead guy's brain on her head, saying [[AxCrazy "I'M MISTER BRAIN HAT!"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Far Cry 2]]
* Whenever he turns on the South African accent.
* During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being [[Series/ManVsWild Bear Grylls]]] comes along and bites its entire body off."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Little Big Planet]]
* "There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end"
** Topped during the middle of the video when he "finishes" the review.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Thief: The Dark Project]]
* The "masterfully executed Link", with accompanying [[VisualPun visual gag]], was an almost painfully hilarious LampshadeHanging segue.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:House of the Dead: Overkill]]
* The part with [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Bowser]] in front of an arcade game.
-->'''Yahtzee''': Fittingly it's totally retro with the entirety of the controls being little more than "press B to shoot" and "don't press B to not shoot".\\
[Bowser demonstrates by repeatedly smashing his nose into the button on the machine until he falls onto his back having bloodied his face and knocked himself out, with the game then telling him "You need to shoot some more."
* This bit.
-->'''Yahtzee's TV''': Btw dem cunts be dead.
-->'''Yahtzee's AuthorAvatar''': YOU IS DE CUNT!
* His metaphor of Creator/Nintendo as the first survivor killed in a ZombieApocalypse, UsefulNotes/XBox as the heroine, and [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation3 PS3]] as Creator/VingRhames, culminating in a VisualPun about the "tortured metaphor" with [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Jack Bauer]] at a computer.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]]
* "Remove your presumptions and we find ourself playing a game about an extremely rich man (who wears two hats for no adequate reason) destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself. Presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is."
* The credits blurb about the game being the story about how 50 Cent destabilized the Middle East and thereby caused the events of ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' series.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Resident Evil 5]]
* "It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall."
** Which is just a small part of Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the ArtificialStupidity of his NPC sidekick.
*** "One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb. And when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere!"
* "If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" while he falls through infinite recurring armors.
* "But let's close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that's been hanging around like a bad smell. [=RE5=] actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black [[ButNotTooBlack (a bit)]], quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...!'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in [[UnfortunateImplications a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears]]. ''Oh, dears!'' [[OutOfTheFryingPan Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge]]. But one needn't be worried unless there's genuine hatred behind it, [[InnocentBigot and I don't get that impression]]. Creator/{{Capcom}} [[HanlonsRazor aren't bad people, they're just idiots!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo Wars]]
* TheStinger of the [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars review.]] [[spoiler: The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.]]
** Or [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation alternatively]] [[spoiler:he just wanted his NiceHat back]].
* "Yes, it's real-time strategy; a genre which, as the whinier of my correspondence have repeatedly made me '''''[[SurpriseCreepy very]]''''' much aware, I have neglected up to now."
* The rant
--> [About his hostage units on EscortMission disappearing after the timer runs out] "We lost contact!" went the character... [[PunctuatedForEmphasis BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.]] (the words "[[GoshDangitToHeck WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.]]" appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by '''waggling our eyebrows at each other'''! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their ''Film/BattleRoyale'' collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves? '''WHAT'''?!\\
And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless ''pricks'' of the sort I'd vat-grown about ''fifty of'' that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the '''''whole fucking mission again!'''''\\
As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, '''FUCK! THAT!'''
*** It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first -- and likely only -- time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's '''[[InLoveWithYourCarnage beautiful.]]'''
* Let's not forget the awesome [[SelfDeprecation hypocritically humorous]] line that explains why he doesn't enjoy the RTS genre:
--> I'm a man's man, a courageous man who's not afraid to be out in the field... [[spoiler:looking my enemy square in the eye through the scope of a high-powered sniper rifle from the next town over.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]]
* During the review he illustrates the enemy PMC attacking Washington. Then the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!" beside him.
* Also "I know that drama demands that the enemy actually be a plausible threat, but I still think it'd have been more credible if the enemy had been an army of disgruntled insect people from the Earth's core ([[OverlyLongGag five]] [[{{Beat}} second]] [[OutOfCharacterMoment pause]])... [[DrawnTogether WEARING SILLY HATS.]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Siren: Blood Curse]]
* His praise of "Sightjacking" as an interesting concept, [[VisualPun portrayed as an eyeball]] on ADateWithRosiePalms.
* Another one of his odd metaphors crops up - "As the leper said to his mistress, 'Where's the bloody point?'"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Valkyria Chronicles]]
* His summarized feelings for [=JRPGs=]:
--> "If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards [=JRPGs=]: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Duke Nukem Forever]]
* Oh Lord, it's difficult to pick just one part of this review as being funnier than the rest. It really must be [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever seen to be believed.]] Some backstory: The game won Viewer's Choice on Yahtzee's Facebook page. Thing is, [[spoiler:the game wasn't actually out yet. The whole review is a big sarcastic joke about the game's [[DevelopmentHell ''long'' development cycle and has to be one of his best videos.]]]] Highlights include:
* The major changes the game goes through as it progresses:
--> '''Yahtzee''': I started the game first-person shooting at terrorists in a military complex, then four or five hours later I was in a restaurant on the Moon making ravioli for an incoming alien wedding party. And I honestly couldn’t tell you where any significant changes occurred in the intervening time!
** Even better, in the accompanying visuals, you can see a sign that reads "CONGRATULATIONS [[AerithAndBob VL'HURG AND STEVE]]". In fact, it provides the page image for AerithAndBob.
* The "fake" screenshots and trailers for the game:
--> '''Yahtzee''': But what really boggles my mind is the sheer amount of effort that went into the fake screenshots and trailers that were released throughout development to give the false impression that the game was an utterly generic brown FPS that any competent studio could have farted out in a year or two, and that the entire team were time-wasting cock sections with the work ethic of an ''overweight house cat with no legs''.
* Every single part of Yahtzee praising the game's control scheme:
--> '''Yahtzee''': Every single mode of gameplay in this extravaganza is controlled through an intuitive full body interface. You move Duke’s arms with the analog sticks and his legs with the shoulder buttons. So to walk forward you alternate pressing L1 and R1 and you’d be amazed how immersive that gets after a while. The buttons are used for facial expressions, so you press X to move your mouth, Triangle to pick your nose, and Square and Circle to wiggle your ears. These are all mostly used to endear yourself to the many rascally children you have to befriend, but they’re also used for problem solving, such as at the point where Duke is strapped to an operating table and needs to activate a crossbow someone left next to his head. Also for the first ten minutes or so you can also use the SIXAXIS to rotate Duke’s neck, but then there’s a hilarious [[BreakingTheFourthWall fourth wall breaking sequence]] where Duke bursts into the lead designer’s office and punches him in the stomach for being so fucking stupid.
* The game's dolphin races, which are portrayed on screen through an image of Duke racing a bazooka-wielding Adolf Hitler through the seas on dolphins. And Hitler's dolphin even has a Swastika!
* The game's amazing achievements, especially as [[spoiler: Yahtzee descends into an [[MotorMouth insanely fast]] LeaningOnTheFourthWall fuelled rant about the final achievement, which appears to hit a hit too CloseToHome]]:
--> '''Yahtzee''': It’s difficult to pin down my favourite aspect of Duke Nukem Forever between the dolphin races and the gun that shoots dogs and the liberal use of full frontal nudity. But I think the achievements deserve particular mention. It’s not just the usual token achievement every time you beat a chapter and a big one at the end, ''No sir!'' Duke Nukem Forever makes you fucking work for your gamer score. There’s the achievement for beating the final boss using only your ears; There’s the achievement for playing the whole game with the controller immersed in icy water; The achievement for placing a Wii Fit board in front of the TV and obliterating it with a croquet mallet; But the hardest one of all is [[spoiler:the achievement for turning off the console, leaving the house, meeting a nice girl, taking a sailing boat around the world, having three beautiful blonde children, and finally dying content with the knowledge that ''you didn’t spend [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall twelve years waiting for an utterly pedestrian sequel to a game that everyone stopped caring about around 1997'' '''''to be released by a developer that makes John Romero look on the ball!]]''''']]. Which is a huge challenge because [[spoiler:[[ComicallyMissingThePoint if just one of those kids turns out brunette then you have to start all over again]]!]]
* It becomes even more apparent in the next section:
--> '''Yahtzee''': My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 [=DVDs=]. But I’d expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically [[spoiler:if 3D Realms hadn’t used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they’ve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say “That’s tragic!” '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn’t do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!]]
** The best part is that when he mentions [[spoiler:getting paid to do a job you didn't do]], the visuals show [[spoiler:The Escapist's logo walking up to Yahtzee, showing him a piece of paper that reads "CONTRACT: REVIEW [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial ACTUAL GAMES]] [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall THAT EXIST]]'' and then taking away Yahtzee's desk.]]
* The ending of the review, and subsequent credits:
--> '''Yahtzee''': But anyway, the point was [[spoiler:[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m just glad I don’t live in a world where such scenarios exist]]. Now I better stop here because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we’d go pony trekking under the sea.]]
** And then the credits show [[spoiler:him and Jimi Hendix riding seahorses under the sea, Kimi Hendrix putting on an underwater performance and then getting blown up from a missile launched from a Yellow Submarine.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]]
* While conducting [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre his second annual overview of games previewed at E3:]] "''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIV''! I feel that anything I could say would be repeating myself, so I'm just going to express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat: Aughhghhghghhghghhghghggh."
** What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
*** Made better still when he realizes the "epic guitar solo" ending is coming up. You can hear him very quickly say "Fuck" before inhaling and bracing for impact.
* "VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}! As in 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Prototype]]
* When comparing the two protagonists: "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Series/MrBean were a mass murderer."
* "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[VideoGame/{{Infamous}} Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and ''fly'', like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Sims 3]]
* "This may sound a bit hysterical, but ''The Sims 3'' is probably the most evil game in the world."
* At the beginning he says he's reviewing this game because ''VideoGame/GhostbustersTheVideoGame'', which he'd rather be reviewing, hasn't been released in Australia yet.
-->"My future self will probably be playing it by the time this video goes out, but ''fuck'' my future self, he's got something against me ever since he started putting on weight."\\
[Present!Yahtzee starts eating a doughnut roughly a quarter the size of his body, causing the gut of Future!Yahtzee to jut out, much to the latter's dismay.]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]]
* Every time the party blower comes out in the ''[[VideoGame/CallOfJuarezBoundInBlood Call of HWAREZ]]'' review.
** "...and no, for some reason, I cannot pronounce '''[[InsistentTerminology Hwarez]]''' any differently..."
** "This may surprise you, but[[spoiler:--" *party whistle*]]
** The bit during the ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'' review with the party blower coming out of Yahtzee's hat. And the look of shock coming from Yahtzee as a result.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2.5D Hoedown]]
* The distraught level designer in the 2.5D Hoedown who follows him around crying with "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" taking up the entire top third of the screen.
* The subversion of XMeetsY at the end.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tales of Monkey Island]]
* Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of ''VideoGame/TalesOfMonkeyIsland'' was [[CrossesTheLineTwice painfully hilarious]].
** [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Chances are good that you may find it funny even if you are Irish.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Wolfenstein]]
* "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein in Limerick form]]''".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Batman: Arkham Asylum]]
* While describing the game's combat: "[[PressXToNotDie Press X to]] [[strike:not die]] [[SubvertedTrope KICK ASS]]."
* Also from the ''Arkham Asylum'' video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.
* "Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision; I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Scribblenauts]]
* "...But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and ''fuck'', it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up."
* "''{{VideoGame/Scribblenauts}}'' comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'', a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'' they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcompensating!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Wet]]
* There is one particular hilarious line.
-->"The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform."
** "She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking dim]]''."
*** "She also thinks swearing is wit. ''[[SelfDeprecation That's my thing!]]''"
* The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout ''{{VideoGame/Wet}}'''s design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain, and causes his boss to be DrivenToSuicide.
* "global wobal wobbity bits"
* His TakeThat of Rule of Cool gunplay: "The gunplay is based around Rubi's ability to [[GunsAkimbo automatically shoot one enemy while manually aiming with the other gun,]] which is an effective gameplay mechanic, but it only works when [[LeapAndFire she's leaping through the air]] or [[WallRun wallrunning]] or [[GunFu sliding along the ground like she's being carried along by an army of beetles.]] And at all other times she forgets that [[DualWielding she's holding more than one gun,]] so apparently she's got an air-cooled brain. It's most reminiscent of Stranglehold, and has the same problem that game had. [[RuleOfCool Yes, it's kind of thrilling when]] [[Creator/JohnWoo Inspector Tequila]] [[GunFu dives sideways]] in [[BulletTime slow motion]] shooting dual pistols while [[DisturbedDoves doves fly out of his ass,]] but when he does it [[WillingSuspensionOfDisbelief 50 times in a row you start to wonder if he has some kind of inner ear-disabling, dove-shitting medical disorder.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]]
* A dog ''randomly gets rocketed out of his DS''.
** Not entirely random--just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to [[{{Squick}} a horrible mental image]] as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible.
* "...unless you're some kind of recently unfrozen neanderthal and this is your first experience with electronic media, in which case: '''''RARRGH!''' Submit your soul to the one-eyed demon!''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dragon Age: Origins]]
* "I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans ''aren't'' the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right."
** "HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Assassin’s Creed II]]
* The episode starts with Yahtzee's mangling of a saying familiar to Europeans (and ''[[Webcomic/AxisPowersHetalia Hetalia]]'' fans):
-->"[...] In heaven [[HollywoodCuisine the food is Italian]], [[BritishCoppers the police are British]], [[VideoGame/PrinceOfPersiaTheSandsOfTime the platformers are French]], [[VideoGame/SeriousSam the shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation. [[ForeignQueasine In hell the food is British]], [[VideoGame/TooHuman the shooters are Canadian]], [[{{Metaphorgotten}} and I forget the rest]], but basically the gist of the saying is that [[AcceptableNationalityTargets Italians are all tossers]]."
* Yahtzee's recap of the events of the first Assassin's Creed:
-->"It recounted the adventures of Desmond the future-y man and favorite candidate for the blandest sentient lifeform in the universe competition as he uncovered a global conspiracy by diving into the racial memories of Altair, the Medieval pasty man, an Assassin with the ability to turn completely invisible when sitting on benches looking serious, hampered since birth with a unique genetic deformity that makes him [[SuperDrowningSkills water-soluble]]."
* The game's fast-travel system, here depicted as Ezio being shot out of a cannon.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Demon's Souls]]
* Describing a boss fight with what he describes as a giant cow pat: "Anyway, I eventually managed to return the monster to cow pat hell..." (showing him GolfClubbing the cow pat followed by it landing next to a sign saying [[TakeThat "Welcome to Sussex"]].)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Holiday 2009]]
* [[spoiler:"Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas, haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday."]]
** [[spoiler:"... That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Awards for 2009]]
* "The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die";
--> "[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] -so instead I'm giving it to [[TakeThat Michael Atkinson]]; a south-Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you ''[[SophisticatedAsHell miserable old fuck]]''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Darksiders]]
* When complaining about {{Wangst}}y, [[TestosteronePoisoning testosterone-poisoned]] protagonists:
-->If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my ''nipples'' over here! I am a ''monster truck'' that walks like a ''man''!"
* The whole beginning of the review as well:
-->''Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'', ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'', ''VideoGame/DantesInferno'', and ''VideoGame/GodOfWarIII''... ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, and... Well, ''Franchise/GodOfWar''.''
* And while we're at it, the part we're he reveals ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'' shameless rip-off of ''Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda'':
-->''I don't think [borrowing from Legend of Zelda]'s the case, thought. To say ''Darksiders'' "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration Borg collective]]"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} A gun that opens blue and orange portals]]!'' ... '''Outstanding'''.
* "...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, ''and then never fucking stopped.'' [...] What War looks like is a fucking coral reef on legs."
* "Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bayonetta]]
* His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of the game in question and, get this, ''[[VideoGame/PacMan Pac-Man]]''.
--> Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you-AUGH!
* Speaking of VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}, his British 'immunity' to her.
--> "Fortunately, being [[BritishStuffiness English]], and [[LieBackAndThinkOfEngland therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me]], I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}} looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes."
* The series of {{Freudian slip}}s the make a lie of that last comment.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dark Void]]
* The 'Inspiration-o-meter'.
* ''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or will[[note]]Creator/WillSmith's face[[/note]], or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Franchise/{{Godzilla}}."
* "''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Borderlands]]
* Describing Borderlands as an "FPS RPG [[FunWithAcronyms (OMG)]]".
* Yahtzee's depiction of a USB glove controller for MMORPG fans, [[SchmuckBait where you get one experience point every time you punch yourself in the face]].
* [[InsistentTerminology Referring]] to the game's setting as "[[Film/{{Avatar}} Pandora]][[NamesTheSame -no-not-that-one]]".
* "Interface 101: the less clicks, the better." [[CrossesTheLineTwice (Shoots a dolphin)]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mass Effect 2]]
* The resource harvesting: "Which is as interesting as it sounds, and it sounds like this: '''BWUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...'''"
** The description of "the Creator/BioWare face" [[GoingThroughTheMotions problem]] has to be seen:
---> "Hello Commander Shepard (wave-hand), I heard you might show up today (nod-head), how 'bout those freaky aliens, eh? (shake-fist, grr-grr, slightly racist undercurrent)"
---> Shepard's response: (Paragon) You should learn to respect other cultures. (Renegade) RAAR! SHEPARD SMASH!!!
* Preceded by Creator/BioWare no longer scoring points for writing.
---> Birds fly, fish swim, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Michael Atkinson molests dogs]], and Creator/BioWare games have good writing.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dante's Inferno]]
* On the game’s ViralMarketing:
--> "[...]I'd rather go to the hell for the wrathful than the hell for people who work in the [[Creator/ElectronicArts EA marketing department]], [[TakeThat which I'm pretty sure is the EA marketing department]]."
* Yahtzee refers to the KarmaMeter system in terms of [[VideoGame/MassEffect renegading or paragoning]] lost souls for either meter, and later on comments on the pointlessness of it all:
--> "'So what's the point of having two different experience levels?' you ask. 'Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,' I say. 'Why's that?' you ask. [[ADateWithRosiePalms 'IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!']]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bioshock 2]]
* "Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his comments about how playing as a Big Daddy is a bit like "making a sequel to ''VideoGame/{{Half-Life}}'' where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls.
** Could be more HilariousInHindsight, seeing as one of the characters in ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}'''s co-operative mode is a robot adapted from a turret.
* "Instead of playing [[VideoGame/PipeMania Pipe Dream]] for half-an-hour at every turn, you do a pseudo-quicktime event for a few seconds instead, [[ARareSentence and apparently the universe is about to explode]], because the quicktime events have actually ''improved'' the game."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Aliens vs. Predator]]
* The opening of the review:
-->"Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants."
* Also, his description of the ''Franchise/{{Alien}}'' formula:
--> "Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: 'Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough'"
* Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator:
--> It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES).
* Yahtzee's frustration at the humans' seeming ignorance of what a Predator is despite numerous previous encounters has him wondering why none of the other survivors didn't at least mention it on their [=LiveJournal=]. This is illustrated with a man with Predator claws stuck in his skull, sitting at a computer and typing, "Dear Diary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Battlefield: Bad Company 2]]
* He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it.
* His description of the game also warrants a mention: "VideoGame/ModernWarfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Final Fantasy XIII]]
* "As a highly respected and successful game critic—SHUT UP, I AM!"
* "So far, I've established that the two lead-ish characters are named Lightning and Snow, which are both things that could ruin a picnic. There's also another guy called Hope, as in, 'I Hope we can get these sandwiches back in the car before any Snow or Lightning happens.'"
* QUACK
* "This [[TheScrappy Hope]] guy has been established from the start as a whiny, weak, inept, cowardly, socially retarded mummy's boy, so presumably, [[ThisLoserIsYou he's the character most of the audience are meant to project onto]]."
* "I know what you're gonna say: 'Yahtzee, please take your dick out of my eye socket!’"
* "If this were ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'', I'd have curb-checked every terrorist in the free world by now."
* "[[TheStinger I checked and yep,]] [[RuleThirtyFour there’s already erotic fanart of the FF13 characters]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Just Cause 2]]
* "Some might say that's enough. Some might say I'm too hard to please. But some can shut their fucking mouths." Accompanied by the heckling Imps being ''chased by a tiger.''
* In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character [[VideoGame/JustCause Rico]] as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. [[YouFailPhysicsForever He might not be too far off the mark.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]]
* "''[[JustForPun Shuttered Mammaries]]'' is technically a remake of ''VideoGame/SilentHill 1'', in the same way a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay." With animation of a dog tugging on a long black bar protruding from Yahtzee's crotch with the word "YUM" written on it while Yahtzee stands there doing nothing except for [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction widening his eyes]], the dog finally separating it from his body and walking away with it leaving a trail of blood, and Yahtzee staring after the dog with a big heart floating over his head.
* ''Shuttered Mammaries'' gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yatzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides trying hard to ignore the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[{{Beat}}] ...moving on..."
* "And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, ''shit's gettin' real!''"
* His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK" had this troper in stitches.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Splinter Cell: Conviction]]
* The critique of the IdiotPlot and how the villains are TooDumbToLive.
-->"Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, 'Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. ''Fuck that'', let's go shoot at him!'"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:[=NieR=]]]
* "Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dead to Rights: Retribution]]
* "In case you never played the first game here's a [[RunningGag Dead To Rights Recap]]: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!"
* "Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable."
* About the [[DesignatedHero Protagonist]]:
--> " I feel Jack is following the letter rather than the spirit of the law. A law completely unique to Jack Slate, given to him by some kind of [[AxeCrazy mad]] ocelot god [[GreatGazoo only he can see]]."
* About the takedowns:
--> "You slap around the enemy enough and he'll get disoriented. Press a button and both he and Jack you'll get transported to a little pocket dimension where ''pain is God, and Jack Slate is'' '''pope'''!"
* And the conclusion:
--> "I even have a good name for a sequel. Dead to Rights: Really. Really, really, really... really, really, really... ''Dumb''."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Monster Hunter Tri]]
* Yahtzee doesn't get most [=JRPGs=]. Not the sex games though. ''Those'' he understands. Even the visual novels.
* The proper title for ''VideoGame/MonsterHunter Tri'':
--> "But I guess calling it ''"Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"''... oh fuck it, let's just call it: '''"YouBastard"'''."
* "You can play the game with the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the same way you can technically compete in a fencing competition using only your erect penis." (complete with the image of a guy's "DADDY" cut off by said fencing opponent.)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alan Wake]]
* ''VideoGame/AlanWake'' has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch reading "GENTLE BEN!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Red Dead Redemption]]
* " Sometimes [=NPCs=] will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of his country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alpha Protocol]]
* Thornton being "[[AddedAlliterativeAppeal The Ponciest little Ponce that ever ponced past the Poncing Parlor]]".
* The visuals depicting ''VideoGame/AlphaProtocol'''s "incomprehensible miasma" of a plot.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:E3 2010]]
* The prediction about what Microsoft's Kinect might turn out like:
-->"So everything will be fine until a wasp gets in the room, and then your character will promptly throw all their grenades away and pummel a chair! "
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Mario Galaxy 2]]
* About the standard Mario ExcusePlot setup:
-->[...] the plot of many Mario games can be enlivened somewhat by assuming that "cake" is the Mushroom Kingdom word for "sex"; The Princess invites Mario over for some... ''cake'', but Bowser kidnaps her so she can make some... ''cake'' for him instead, only now he's five hundred feet tall and emperor of the universe, so she'd better make sure her "''cake''" is spread ''quite'' wide.
* The text adventure bit.
-->You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space.\\
What now?\\
'''>DIE OF ASPHYXIATION'''\\
You can't do that (somehow).\\
What now?\\
'''>JUMP'''\\
You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium.\\
'''>AGAIN'''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Singularity]]
* "Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[Music/TheBeatles Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, [[HandWave they do explain that]] -- someone left a note... Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around "Big Hank"."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Crackdown 2]]
* The bit about the online multiplayer: "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Split/Second: Velocity]]
* [[InsistentTerminology "Split Stroke Second Colon Velocity"]]
* About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio."
** Driving in real life: "I doubt things would be easier to get around if I was six feet wide and constantly farting carbon monoxide. I don't know how [[YourMom your mum]] does it."
** The early proto-man, working on the wheel and threatened by woolly mammoths; "Yes, life was tough in [[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Thatcher's]] Britain."
* "And I think if you're ''that'' rich, you're beyond needing video-games for entertainment. You probably get your jollies by buying two poverty-stricken pregnant women, and telling them that neither of them are getting out of the arena alive until [[DeadBabyComedy one has eaten the other's fetus]].
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Transformers: War For Cybertron]]
* At the end:
-->"There, you may now e-mail me to explain in close detail how the death of Optimus Prime was your generation's ''{{Theatre/Othello}}''."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days]]
* On the game's cameraman: "And when you try sprinting, ''Christ!'' It's like his kneecaps have been replaced with ''slinkies!''"
** The accompanying illustrations depicting an InUniverseCamera man named "Brian" who eagerly runs around behind the titular duo, and Kane telling Lynch to "Just pretend that he's not here."
* His remark at the very end of the review was also incredibly funny, especially when you start to hear his voice develop a rather serious growl to it, like Yahtzee was slipping out of his ZP persona and delivering a criticism of the game out-of-character while at the same time sounding like he was shouting the line.
-->"Kane and Lynch 2 sucks so many dicks that it now breathes ''spunk'' '''instead of air'''!!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mafia II]]
* "We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a knobbing, but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe ''as big as his entire body'' and jabs it into his eye.
* "They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."
* Every mention of "fast whores" is accompanied by a female imp flying about at high speed.
* The various comparisons of the gameplay to a boring office jobs, such as "filing bullets under faces".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Metroid: Other M]]
* While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...''VideoGame/DeadOrAlive: Extreme Beach Volleyball'', or, as it's sometimes known, ''[[{{Gainaxing}} BOING!]]''"
* Also from that review, his hilariously accurate impersonation of Samus' [[DullSurprise monotone voice]] and [[PurpleProse overly flowerly way of speaking]].
-->''(in a monotone voice)'' "From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something."
--->'''Adam:''' WILL YOU FUCKING EMOTE
** ''And'' his suggestion that they get '''{{Creator/BrianBlessed}}''' to voice Samus... and how that ''still'' wouldn't work because [[WhoWritesThisCrap the writing in general is agonizingly awful]].
* "So do you want to know who the traitor turned out to be? [[LeftHanging So the fuck would I! 'Cause the game kinda forgets about this whole sub-plot and hopes you do too.]]"
** On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character actually is the most likely one to be TheMole.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Amnesia: The Dark Descent]]
* The 3 types of horror games:
--> '''Yahtzee''': You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First, there's the kind where you're in a dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going "abloogy woogy woo" - that would be your Doom 3. Then there's the kind where the guy in the spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's going to go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't want to turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye - that would be your [[VideoGame/SilentHill2 Silent Hill 2]]. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes "abloogy woogy woo" while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room before walking slowly over to you plucking a violin and then slapping you in the face with a t-bone steak - that would be your [[VideoGame/DeadSpace Dead Space]].
* The enemies from VideoGame/DeadSpace:
--> '''Yahtzee''': [The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike VideoGame/DeadSpace, where all the monsters are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time.
* His description of his thought process during his first scary moment:
--> '''Yahtzee''': Dum-de-dum. Well, this isn't very scary. Oh look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! I guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either, I'll just go back and-- whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead-- Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around an-- [[JumpScare WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?]] ''Augh runrunrunrunrun I'm sorry I didn't mean to mess up your chairs-- OH PISSING BLIMEY'' '''''THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!'''''
* Also, this gem:
--> '''Yahtzee''': The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have [[LaserGuidedAmnesia amnesia]], that old video game storytelling chestnut. [Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart.] If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be [[KleptomaniacHero kleptomania]]. [Yahtzee makes off with the bed.]
* Regarding the sanity meter:
--> '''Yahtzee''': [Amnesia: The Dark Decent] implements a sanity meter, as if sanity is like diesel oil or something and you can get a reading on it by sticking a dipstick in your ear. And as so often the case, the main effect of losing your sanity is that the screen goes all blurry and weird, as if the first thing anyone does when they go insane is lose their contact lenses. Hanging around in the scary darkness depletes sanity because apparently we're five years old, but staying in the light makes it easier for monsters to see you, creating a toss-up between not getting a headache from wibbly-wobbly camera filters and not ''being murdered''.
* CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
* He closes it out by calling the game a good constipation aid.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo: Reach]]
* "The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically ''gets a little bit hot?''"
* Yahtzee's opening rant about Halo's lack of seat belts.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZzjsbIMGaI&feature=BFa&list=PL9F1FFC7B1BCCEFA1 "This might sound a bit weird, but 'hoerdy goerdy bobbley boo.'"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]]
* "...wondering if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with the Count from ''Series/SesameStreet'', though probably not ''Symphony of the Night'' because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht"
** The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:
--> "ONE miserable little secret! TWO miserable little secrets! [[MemeticMutation A PILE of miserable little secrets!]] Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
* "Who the fuck rips off ''VideoGame/ShadowOfTheColossus?'' That's like cock-slapping the Mona Lisa!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]]
* "So while Journey to the West was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke [[GroinAttack slapping robots in the dick]]. [[InNameOnly But his name is Monkey]], so that's alright then."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fallout: New Vegas]]
* "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
--> "Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left."
* His descriptions of his misadventures in the [[VideoGame/FalloutNewVegas Mojave]].
--> "So after loading myself down with other people's packed lunches, I set off on the North road with a song in my heart, and was immediately eaten by giant killer flies."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Duty: Black Ops]]
* His impression of the game's frenzied pacing, akin to a nagging housewife.
-->"''[[MotorMouth Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!]]'' (smacks Yahtzee with a rolling pin)"
* "Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of that helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty--[[OhCrap OH BUGGER MY BREECHES]] [[DudeNotFunny that was uncalled for!]]"
* "Another opportunity for the ''VideoGame/CallOfDuty'' franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go '''PHWOAR!'''"
* The [[BookEnds beginning and end]] of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Webcomic/AxisPowersHetalia references in the comments section were unavoidable.
** Likewise, Yahtzee's analogy that all the "Modern Warfare"-esque shooters is a sign the United States craves a world war is on par with all the erotic fanfiction by a virgin nerd is a sign that they're trying to say "[[YouNeedToGetLaid I Need To Get Laid]]".
* Pointing out how the term "Black Ops" carries a term of stealth, mystery, and deniability, [[WithCatlikeTread whereas the game has so many explosions and shoot-em-ups that any stealth (let alone deniability) goes sailing out the window]]. Special points for explaining the GrandFinale mission:
--> "What's that, Vladimir? [[BlatantLies No, no, our fleets of aircraft carriers were just in that particular bit of ocean for a volleyball tournament, and to take some photos for a navy recruitment booklet! No, I can't imagine how one of your battleships in the exact same area could've gotten riddled with bullets (although now I come to think about it, I do remember hearing what could have been minigun fire, but at the time I thought it was just somebody playing squash very, very enthusiastically)!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:[=iPhone=] Games]]
* On the game ''Fruit Ninja'': "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and ''fuck fruit''. Sitting around all smug, ''on trees'' and ''in pies.''"
** Early in his review, he laments that "so much of triple-A gaming these days is endless sequels, ripoffs and wank". The accompanying visuals give an example of a sequel (''VideoGame/KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days''), a ripoff (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days'') and some wank (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days'').
** Telling us what making a game for the iPhone involves versus what making a game for the Wii involves in terms of exactly how badly the developer gets violated, the accompanying visuals, and the first picture of Yahtzee back at his desk afterwards.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]]
* "I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it".
* "''Franchise/AssassinsCreed: Literature/DivineSecretsOfTheYaYaSisterhood''"
* Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of Assassin's Creed II), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for [[GenericGuy Desmond himself]], but for the RagtagBunchOfMisfits he's saddled up with, particularly [[DeadpanSnarker sarcastic]] [[TheMeanBrit British guy Shaun.]] "[[DeadpanSnarker Can't think why!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Splatterhouse]]
* His entire rant on adulthood in the ''Splatterhouse'' review.
-->"Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just ''rubbing it in.''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Epic Mickey]]
* At the beginning he goes into this HeroicBSOD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him.
--> No, Goofy! I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
* Feeling the game tries too hard and yet not hard enough to be edgy, Yahtzee goes for broke and slaps Hitler's face onto Mickey's edgy magic paint brush.
* "And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, ''it will plot to destroy you''!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!"
** Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, though he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Top 5 of 2010]]
* The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
* After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to ''KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days'':
-->"Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fable III]]
* The FlatWhat of the '''Fable III''' review. Funniest FlatWhat EVER!
* When describing the plot of the second half of the game, in which the player character must raise six million coins in order to fend off the approaching attack of an EldritchAbomination, Yahtzee illustrates it with his avatar standing waist-deep in a giant pile of coins going "BWA HA HA", before the evil being shows up and he hurls a coin at it whilst yelling "FUCK OFF".
[[/folder]]
----
[[folder:Heavenly Sword and Other Stuff]]
* Nariko's outfit:
--> The whole effect does not so much as scream "battle-hardened swordswoman" as it does the phrase, "Try and pull this one off, {{cosplay}}ers."
* The demo's stand-out line "We may need you to play twing-twang.":
--> My first thought when I heard that was, "[[QuoteMine I am so going to quote that out of context]],” but on reflection [[MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext it doesn't make a whole lot of sense in context, either]]. If the developers were hoping I’d consider buying the full game just to see what twing-twang is, then mission fucking accomplished, I suppose, but I'm going to be very disappointed if it isn't a cutesy euphemism for lesbian cunnilingus ''yeah I went there''.
** In fact, that provides the page quote for MakesJustAsMuchSenseInContext.
* "Since Nariko wasn't quite finished expressing her death wish, she then cut the support ropes that held up the big stone erection and rode it down to the ground, where it collapsed upon a bunch of soldiers who were doing manly things like arm wrestling and grunting, and if you're seeing [[FreudWasRight a sort of Freudian motif]] going on here, then rest assured you're not the only one."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Psychonauts]]
* [[SchmuckBait The experiment in the beginning of the episode]] [[spoiler: is actually a punishment for not buying ''VideoGame/{{Psychonauts}}'']].
** (If you did buy ''Psychonauts'', please disregard the preceding.)
* Yahtzee’s description of the game’s LoveItOrHateIt status: "''Psychonauts'' seems like a rather polarizing game in that some people seem to think it's the kind of thing Jesus would make if he was alive and wasn't a pussy and some other people feel it's a chunky vomit milkshake severely overhyped by the people in party A."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Console Rundown]]
* The subtitle: [[FlameBait an adventure in fanboy baiting]].
* While talking about Final Fantasy 13 Lightning herself is suprised that she is actually a woman and not another androgynous male.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bioshock]]
* A line about boiling water apparently being able to form allegiances in the game is accompanied by a jar of water on a Bunsen burner screaming "FUCK THE POPE!"
* The rant on the extremely binary nature of the KarmaMeter:
-->"There are only two endings, a good one and a bad one, and the extreme contrast between them is rather jarring. In the good ending, you're a virtuous flower child with love and a smile for all the shiny-coated beasts of God's kingdom, and in the bad ending you're some kind of hybrid of Hitler and [[WesternAnimation/HeManAndTheMastersOfTheUniverse1983 Skeletor]] whose very piss is pure liquid malevolence. I'm sick of games that claim to have choice but that only really come down to either Mother Teresa or [[EatsBabies baby-eating]]. All I'm saying is that a little middle ground is nice now and then." ''([[GoldenMeanFallacy cue picture of]] [[BreadEggsBreadedEggs Mother Teresa eating a baby]])''
** Made even funnier since Mother Teresa was hardly the saint she's often made out to be and actually did some pretty terrible things.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tomb Raider Anniversary]]
* After spending the whole review trying to avoid referring to breasts, Yahtzee falls prey to the FreudianSlipperySlope, which culminates in a HurricaneOfEuphemisms for boobies.
** Before that, his musings on playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaider'' as a kid:
---> '''Yahtzee''': It kind of [[NostalgiaFilter takes me back to when I was fifteen]] and playing the original ''VideoGame/TombRaider'' and I'd back her up into a corner to get the best view[[note]]arrow points at her chest[[/note]] of her juicy--[[LastSecondWordSwap thighs]][[note]]arrow points at her thighs[[/note]].\\
''(Caption reading "[[AC:Phew, That Was a Close One]]" pops up)''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Manhunt]]
* The opening song...
--> ''Sunshine, Lollipops and Rainbows''
* It's hard to catch, but in the review he claims the game "only stands out in the area of juvenile gore", illustrated with a graph that asserts that ''{{Franchise/Barbie}} Horse Riding'' has over twice as much hardcore violence as ''VideoGame/{{Resistance}}: Fall of Man''.
* Yahtzee's "No, and go fuck yourself, you ignorant scaremongering cockbags!" being captioned as "No, and I consider your argument misinformed."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Peggle]]
* On the game's addictiveness.
-->''I started playing at around noon and [[JustOneMoreLevel emerged from my room some time later to find the authorities had declared me legally dead.]]''
* "Allow me to hold your head under the waters of putrescent waters of knowledge" complete with diagram of Yahtzee doing that.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo 3]]
* Describing the companion AI as "Pants-on-head retarded", complete with image of companion wearing pants on head. (Also keep in mind that Yahtzee is British, so by "pants" he means "underpants".)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tabula Rasa]]
* "Some people also find fat people sexy. I don't understand them myself, but then most people don't understand why I like putting lettuce around my cock and hiding it in other people's salad."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Orange Box]]
* "It's short, it's cheap, and it comes with lots of fun extras, not unlike [[YourMom yer mum]]."
* Comparing Half Life 2: Episode Two's use of RememberTheNewGuy to "coming home from school to find a walrus sitting at the dinner table, and you're the only one who seems to notice."
-->More potatoes, Uncle Tusky?
* Comparing playing a Sniper in ''VideoGame/TeamFortress2'' to playing an adventure game where "the only puzzle is 'Use GUN on MAN'."
* Admitting that he can't find any serious problems with ''VideoGame/{{Portal}}'': "This is the most fun you'll have with your PC until they invent [[ADateWithRosiePalms a force-feedback codpiece]]."
* "If you like blazing action peppered with variety and cleverness you could do a hell of a lot worse than Half-Life 2: Episode 2 (Manchester United nil). Now then, Team Fortress 2 (Liverpool 3, sorry, I'll stop this now)."
** It's always funny when Yahtzee takes game titles that contain numbers and turn them into the final scores of sporting events.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Paper Mario]]
* While discussing {{JRPG}}s he liked Yahtzee likens VideoGame/{{Earthbound}} to the CthulhuMythos mixed with [[{{Peanuts}} The Charlie Brown and Snoopy Show]].
* "Ït's an enjoyable installment, but the developers don't seem into it anymore, so perhaps it's time to put this franchise to bed. ''Then smother it to death.''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass]]
* "The Hero called "[[Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda Link]]" on the few occasions I'm mature enough not to abuse the [[HelloInsertNameHere "Enter Name" feature]], and "Fagballs" on all the others."
** "Also sometimes I like to name him 'I Say' so that everyone sounds like [[WesternAnimation/LooneyTunes Foghorn Leghorn]]."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Clive Barker's Jericho]]
* Calling ''VideoGame/CliveBarkersJericho'': [[InCaseYouForgotWhoWroteIt "Clive Barker's Clive Barker's Jericho by Clive Barker"]].
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Guitar Hero III]]
* The review being stuffed with HaveIMentionedIAmHeterosexualToday, before ending:
-->"On the whole though it's just not as good as tonguing another man's balls. [both figures stop playing and stare at the fourth wall] I mean... as it used to be. [[[{{Beat}} awkward silence]]] ''I'm not gay.''"
** Even funnier when you realize that one of the two players is his own AuthorAvatar.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Mario Galaxy]]
* "You could transplant the head of [[ThoseWackyNazis Joseph Goebbels]] onto the body of a praying mantis, and it would still compare favorable to ''VideoGame/SuperMarioSunshine''."
* The return of Uncle Tusky!
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Origins]]
* Yahtzee compares ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'''s writing compared to the rest of the video game industry, like Creator/CharlesDickens joining a forum for ''WesternAnimation/InvaderZim'' FanFiction. [[SelfDeprecation Yahtzee appears in the crowd of the dorky-looking fanfic writers]].
* "Also, you have one second to name any game in which [[BreakableWeapons weapon degradation]] has been a good idea. ''({{beat}})'' Time's up. That's what I thought! There's something very wrong about a katana that shatters after five or six hits, one that ostensibly isn't made out of glass or chocolate."
* Yahtzee wonders where Travis found a body warmer that was spacious enough to store 18 portable [=TVs=]. Cue a animation of pile of [=TVs=] falling out of Travis' vest and him hastily stating "I don't know how they got in there, officer!"
* "But it's impossible to care about [Travis] because A) he's a breathtaking nonentity with all the emotion of a polystyrene block, and B) there's no reason for him to be in the town at all. There's no missing wife or daughter keeping him motivated; the only conceivable reason for not turning on his heel and fleeing with nary a backward glance or stop at the gift shop is sheer determined retardation."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Witcher]]
* "[[XMeetsY What would you get if you took]] the corpse of Creator/JRRTolkien, ground it into a fine powder, and snorted it off the doughy breasts of a prostitute suffering from [[TourettesShitCockSyndrome Tourette's Syndrome?]] Well, [[LiteralMetaphor first you'd get a throatful of dead writer,]] [[RealityEnsues then the police will probably like to talk to you and you'll no doubt make an enemy of Mrs. Tolkien.]]"
* "[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/22-The-Witcher 20 minutes. Out front.]] [[ItMakesSenseInContext Puffer fish.]]"
** "Okay, now I just have to figure out if that was a man or a woman..."
* "You might say it's sexist to treat women like a baseball card collecting mini-game, so you can ogle their luscious rounded boobies and ''melt away between their smooth milky thighs'' '''''as the sweat runs in rivulets from their writhing, sensuous bodies''''', but...sorry, I forgot where I was going with that."
** THINK OF SOMETHING WHOLESOME INSTEAD
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Duty 4]]
* (Waffle about game physics)... "and now, to counteract the seriousness of that last sentence, [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnZ-5DZhySg Boingo Boingo Whoopsy Knickers]]".
* When Yahtzee describes Call of Duty's deconstruction of typical war tropes he says it is what elevates Call of Duty 4 from average to excellent, before clarifying that the word excellent shouldn't just be tossed around and even so it doesn't rank far on the scale of other excellent things, where Call of Duty is on the far left, Portal is to the right, and at the very end of the scale there is a picture of Jesus Christ.[[/folder]]
[[folder:Uncharted: Drake's Fortune]]
* The drawing of Nathan Drake juggling a torch, a chainsaw, and a baby. The next frame shows the baby and chainsaw on the floor, along with some blood, covered up by a black censor box that says [[CrossesTheLineTwice "THE BABY IS FINE]] [[BlatantLies THE BABY IS OKAY."]]
* The bit where Yahtzee [[ArtShift shifts from his usual style to a video recording of himself]], where he patiently explains that a QuickTimeEvent should not be used in a way that promotes FakeDifficulty, especially if they're done in a way [[PressXToNotDie the player can't expect]] - [[BigLippedAlligatorMoment before a "Press X to Dodge" message suddenly flashes on the screen]], and [[UnfazedEveryman Yahtzee]] nonchalantly dodges a thrown object, all while still calmly explaining his point.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Turok]]
* The titlecards for each chapter of the review, which suffer increasing degrees of typos and other abuse.
* Yahtzee's explanation for why FirstPersonShooter games of recent [[WalkItOff have abandoned health meters]]: "Maybe someone threw a big party for video game interfaces, and Mr. Health Meter got drunk and acted like a tit, so now everyone shuns him".
* The FunnyBackgroundEvent in the ending credits. The heads-up display from VideoGame/{{Doom}} is shown on the bottom of the screen, with Yahtzee’s cartoon head replacing that of the game's protagonist, when an imp [[InterfaceScrew removes the head and sits in its place]].
* "Instead of doing what I normally do i.e crucify the game with big blunt rusty nails shaped like penises, let's instead use turok as an example to go through a few of the mistakes first person shooters keep consistently making. Perhaps I could persuade developers to stop making them, then maybe I could persuade the tide to turn back and ride a winged marshmallow to the sherbet kingdom."
* On the game completely disregarding the backstory to the series and instead just making another generic first person shooter with a cast based off of aliens: "They've approached ripping off Aliens with the same determination that most developers would approach making a game that's actually good, and that's sort of admirable, I guess. In a retarded kind of way" with a [[UglyCute bug eyed pug]] in the foreground.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Zack & Wiki: Quest for Barbaros' Treasure]]
* "I didn't [find the voice acting] all that annoying, but my roommate said it was like having his ear canals raped by a man wearing a sandpaper condom. Not in those exact words, obviously."
* Yahtzee continuing to get Zack and Wiki's names wrong (intentionally), eventually ending up calling them "Whack and Sticky".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Condemned 2: Bloodshot]]
* Yahtzee trying to pour in the ParanoiaFuel into your brain by telling you there is a serial killer living under your bed at this very moment, but "don't look or that'll really piss him off!" And his utter bemusement at the ending of the game:
--> "''Condemned: Bloodshot'', by contrast, ends on a stupid sci-fi tower thing resembling something the [[VideoGame/{{Half-Life2}} Combine]] would throw together if they were all ''drunk'', and a piss-easy final boss fight which you win by shouting at him so loud his brain explodes. ''[[NotMakingThisUpDisclaimer I wish I was fucking kidding]].''"
* And when comparing the first game's "Forensics" mini-game to clicking an "OK" button, we're treated to this FreezeFrameBonus.
-->'''LISTEN UP CHUCKLES''' - {{Film/Session9}} was actually pretty good.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Smash Bros. Brawl]]
* Yahtzee mentioning that he bought the game illegally (from Gametraders Robina) due to it not being officially released in Australia. He then went on to name the store he bought it from (Gametraders Robina) over and over again, the final time (Gametraders Robina) actually giving the exact address of the store.
* Yahtzee complains about having to unlock [[VideoGame/MetalGearSolid Solid Snake]] and [[Franchise/SonicTheHedgehog Sonic the Hedgehog]], prompting [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Mario]] to pop up.
--> '''Mario''': Looks like-a you'll have to play with a-me instead.
** Yahtzee responds by [[BoomHeadshot shooting Mario in the head.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mailbag Showdown]]
* Arguably the most controversial episode, but also one of the funniest if you have thicker skin. Yahtzee got [[HePannedItNowHeSucks more hate mail than normal]] after panning Super Smash so he decided to do a video as an open response to the criticism. [[DearNegativeReader The first line before responding to the emails set the tone:]]
--> Yahtzee: So without further ado, Go Team Retard!
* "I do point out every little thing that is bad about a game, but then, I'm a critic! It'd be weird if I didn't. If I put people's balls in my mouth for a living, I'd be a prostitute, or possibly [[TakeThat a Gamespot employee]]..."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The World Ends With You]]
* "And [the protagonist] has to team up with a partner, partly to make the most of the DS dual screen, but mostly to [[{{Anvilicious}} teach him a valuable life lesson about friendship and acceptance]] and everything else ''Series/SesameStreet'' used to bang on about whenever Cookie Monster wasn't around."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion]]
* "Every now and again, the planets would align and I'll be affected by weird cosmic rays, and suddenly all I want to do is play a nice fantasy RPG. Not a JRPG, God no - it's just space radiation, not the infinite power of Christ."
* "My only previous experience with ''Franchise/TheElderScrolls'' series was a brief spell of [[VideoGame/TheElderScrollsIIIMorrowind Morrowind]] during the previous planetary alignment, in which I ran around some muddy countryside in the rain for a few hours fending off weird sub-human creatures. So basically it was just like [[UsefulNotes/GlastonburyFestival Glastonbury]] [[TakeThat Festival.]]"
* Yahtzee's explanation for why he thinks the Player Character was in jail in the first place - for shagging the Emperor's wife and daughter at the same time, while playing a guitar solo on the corpse of God.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Metal Gear Solid 4]]
* After describing Snake and Otacon's relationship: "That oozing sound you just heard was all the world's [[SlashFic homoerotic fanfiction]] writers simultaneously emitting [[JizzedInMyPants torrents of hot lady-spunk]]." At which point the screen reads "THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT."
* Also for the genuinely batshit plot of the ''Franchise/MetalGear'' series:
-->"Anyway, Solid Snake is tasked with the assassination of his evil clone brother, who is dead, but lives on through his possessed arm, which was grafted onto the body of OH CHRIST I CAN'T GO ON THIS SHIT IS BANANAS" ([[RebusBubble [Image of a turd] = [Image of a banana] ]])
[[/folder]]
[[folder:LEGO Indy]]
* "... I thought I'd better go undercover, drill holes into my head until I'm mentally twelve years old, and try out the new flippity gombo spletch."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alone in the Dark]]
* The BRollRebus for the phrase "terrible execution" involves a guy stuck in a guillotine backwards so that his feet are about to be chopped off.
* The "Terry vs Gonad" sequence.
-->"Hey!" said Terry. "Let's have a damage system where you actually see persistent wound decals on your character's body." "Okay!" replies Gonad. "But let's put them on the outside of his clothes so they look like someone glued slices of ham to his jumper!" "Hey again!" says Terry, "how about a dangerous gooey black floor that becomes neutralized by bright light?" "Okay again!" says Gonad. "Now let's make the flashlight incredibly ineffectual against it and make it a one-hit kill!" Then a broken and jaded Terry starts sniffing glue while Gonad goes into the fetal position and softly giggles to himself
* The bit about the female sidekick, Sarah Flores:
-->Perhaps the crowning moment of her hideousness is when she nearly dies and the game forces you to press a button sequence in order to revive her with CPR. Although the spiteful cow never actually dies, no matter how many times you deliberately fuck up. (The accompanying animation depicts the game prompt first saying "PressXToNotDie" before turning into "You going to Press X or What", as Edward casually sits around in a chair and ignores both the prompt and Sarah.)
* If someone serves you a dead dog for lunch, you do not stick around for the pudding.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The [=E3=] Trailer Park]]
* "Those of you that are paying attention will no doubt notice that all these games are sequels, [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/157-The-E3-Trailer-Park And for those of you not paying attention...]]" *claps* "OI!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Ninja Gaiden II]]
* From ''NinjaGaiden 2'': "So the gore's been ramped up, and as always, hand-in-hand with Gore comes Titties, [[InterplayOfSexAndViolence his lovely wife and business partner.]]"
* Summing up the ExcusePlot: demons over there, kill they ass.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:PrinceOfPersiaRetrospective]]
* The "Don't stick your dick in a pudding" metaphor.
--> ''(summing up ''Warrior Within'')'' It just goes to show: never stick your dick in a pudding. It might still be good pudding and you can spend all afterrnon explaining that to people but no one's still going to eat it because ''YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN IT!''
** About Warrior Within's [[DarkerAndEdgier darker atmosphere]]:
--> It seems that Ubisoft decided that emo culture was "in," so they went around the office one morning and fired everyone who was smiling.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Soul Calibur IV]]
* Yahtzee creating a character modeled after himself, with the "Charisma" and "Morals" sliders set to ''zero'' while "Bile", "Articulation", "Standards" and "[[NiceHat Hat]]" are all maxed.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Braid]]
* While ranting on the lack of innovation in the games industry:
--> "And do you know who I blame for all this? YOU! Yes, you, the public. Especially you, [[ParanoiaFuel ADRIAN!]] (That probably isn't your name, but it was worth it to freak out all the Adrians in the world.)"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Spore]]
* "Will Wright created ''TheSims'', a franchise which by shrewdly combining user-created assets, the powers of a [[VideogameCrueltyPotential malevolent trickster god]] and a massive amount of implied nudity, now annually makes about [[CashCowFranchise twice as much money as Belgium]]. So can his new game, ''{{Spore}}'', [[ToughActToFollow possibly live up to that legacy]]? In short: No. In long: [[BigNo Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo]][[OverlyLongGag ooooooooo...]]."
** Said "Nooooo..." lasts for roughly 15 seconds.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mercenaries 2]]
* "There's an insidious thought that frequently goes through the minds of gamers; and I'm not talking about the ones you get when [[MsFanservice Ivy]] from ''VideoGame/SoulCalibur'''s pants ride up, which are perfectly natural for growing young men."
* On the fear of AlwaysABiggerFish, one of his complaints about ''Mercenaries 2'': "So we have scenarios where you're sitting on a nuclear stockpile to shame North Korea and are throwing peas at a [[GiantEnemyCrab giant robot crab]] on the off-chance that there might be a bigger giant robot crab at the end of it all."
* Yahtzee's new name for the game: [[DeathFromAbove "Airstrikes 2: Hooray for Airstrikes"]].
* The immortal line: "Forgiveness, however, isn't a strong point of mine, so I'll just conclude by saying that ''Mercenaries 2'' can '''eat a dick pavlova.'''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:S.T.A.L.K.E.R.: Clear Sky]]
* Yahtzee [[InsistentTerminology always refers]] to the game by spelling out the letters in "S.T.A.L.K.E.R.", i.e. "Ess-Tee-Ay-Ell-Kay-Ee-Ar: Clear Sky".
* "You couldn't release a buggy game during the cartridge and cassette days, you'd get sentenced to trampling under the company Brontosaurus. But I'll tell you the worst part worst part worst part worst part worst part [[WeAreExperiencingTechnicalDifficulties *System error*]] ''[[OrphanedPunchline And whistled for a baboon]]''!"
** Even funnier is the FreezeFrameBonus error message at this part.
-->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. Angry policemen are en route and resistance will only make them angrier.
** Then repeated [[CreditsGag at the end of the video]]:
-->This program has performed an illegal operation and will be shut down. If problems persist, sing gentle lullabies and lovingly stroke its hair.
* Also, "Lying prone only lowers your eye level another inch or so, so your character is either extremely fat or uncomfortably well-endowed."
* When he illustrates the difficulty settings with pictures of a kitten, a bigger kitten, a tiger, and then for the hardest setting he shows a picture of [[UsefulNotes/FurryFandom fursuited guy]]. With all the former ones terrified!
* "We've all been made complacent by tutorial levels and health regeneration. It's up to games like ''Ess Tee Ay Ell Kay Ee Arr'' to remind you that you're going to be just as useless after the downfall of society as you are now, ''{{nerd}}''.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Homecoming]]
* Yahtzee's tangent on {{Romantic Plot Tumor}}s:
-->"This is another peculiarly American habit that seems to always go unchallenged: why does a love interest subplot have to be shoehorned into everything? Imagine if there was some kind of parallel universe where every game and movie, regardless of genre, was required to incorporate at least one line dancing competition."\\
(''Illustrated by [[Franchise/StarWars Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker]] suddenly interrupting during their climatic lightsaber duel to put on cowboy-hats and start dancing'')\\
"We'd think they were all raving lunatics! And yet here's us forcing in an out-of-place, cheesy romance scene that's more agonizingly painful to watch than any of the actual horror the game is supposed to be about."
* And then the follow up:
-->"And if that's not enough, you get a wise-cracking [[TokenMinority black friend]] [[UncleTomfoolery drenched in stereotype]]. Towards the end, there's a bit where you're given the choice to either save him or let him die, [[EthnicScrappy and I could not hit that "No" button fast enough, I tell you that.]]"
* Then finally the conclusion:
-->It's like they had some kind of generic Hollywood movie checklist to fill in. Which makes sense, because the game borrows heavily from the similarly overdone ''Film/SilentHill'' movie, to the point that I half-expected there to be a level where you play as Creator/SeanBean doing something totally fucking irrelevant.\\
(''Slide with Sean Bean playing with a paper airplane'')
* Yahtzee's repurposed title for the game: "[[AC:The Adventures of Captain Scowlyface (and his Angsty Little Pal)]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Saints Row 2]]
* Yahtzee on giving gamers too much freedom, coinciding with his belief that HumansAreMorons [[HumansKillWantonly Who Kill For Fun]]
--> "If you give them guns, they will shoot old ladies. If you give them cars, they will run over old ladies. If you give them aircraft, they will ascend to the highest possible height and hurl themselves out [[RuleOfThree onto an old lady]]."
* "Pure, mindless fun, like wrestling an excitable dog in a paddling pool full of disembodied breasts. [beat] Don't think too much about that simile, I certainly didn't."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fable II]]
* How he ends the review, claiming that the developers distract players from the game's flaws by going ''"Ooooh wook, it's a doggy! Mash up his widdle face and call him Chips."''
* The completely random and unremarked on cameo by Creator/FyodorDostoevsky, who briefly joins the AuthorAvatar in the animation.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fallout 3]]
* The beginning of the review:
--> ...[[BreatherEpisode Yeah, it's pretty good.]] ''(cue credits, which get cut short after two slides)'' [[AvertedTrope Alright]], [[CausticCritic alright!]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Guitar Hero: World Tour]]
* Wait until after the credits to hear Yahtzee ''sing'' his [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6j8jMn2Kcgs "Deus Ex Song."]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mirror's Edge]]
* At the end of his paragraph decrying the excessive use of bloom effects, Yahtzee says the last two sentences in a tone that is matter-of-fact yet filled to the brim with weary resignation mixed with mild disgust. The way it caps the {{Bathos}} of the bit turns it into comic gold.
-->"So he did. And then he ate his own shoes."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Left 4 Dead]]
* The poster for a [[ZombieApocalypse Zombie Apocalypse]] film, with the title been: "Oh Christ, Them Cunts Be Dead."
* "...but the repetition is eased by the so-called AI Director, an omnipotent figure watching silently from the shadows who creates dramatic tension by conjuring health and ammo at the point when you need it and a billion zombies whenever he’s bored; [[TheComputerIsACheatingBastard which is all the time.]] "
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tomb Raider Underworld]]
* "Innovation is to this franchise what a double cheeseburger would be to a lactose-intolerant Hindu!"
** And the image of vampire Lara recoiling and hissing at the sight of the double cheeseburger.
* Not to mention his hilarious matchmaking of Lara: [[spoiler:[[Franchise/FridayThe13th Jason Voorhees.]]]]
-->They've got so much in common: they both have an embarrassing amount of adventures that all follow an extremely specific formula; they both have an irresistible compulsion to murder God's creatures; they've both spent a lot of time underground; and most importantly neither of them will ever ''JUST FUCKING DIE!''"
* Lara staring at her hands in a way that indicates MyGodWhatHaveIDone after shooting someone. Followed by her casually brushing off some dust and wearing the dead guy's brain on her head, saying [[AxCrazy "I'M MISTER BRAIN HAT!"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Far Cry 2]]
* Whenever he turns on the South African accent.
* During the same review: "It brings to mind an animal rights activist freeing a captive bunny rabbit into the wild only for it to bewilderedly sit among daisies for several hours before a predator [the predator being [[Series/ManVsWild Bear Grylls]]] comes along and bites its entire body off."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Little Big Planet]]
* "There's a very in-depth level designer built in, with a host of tutorials you'll be tempted to go through just to have Stephen Fry tonguing your coc....hleah for hours on end"
** Topped during the middle of the video when he "finishes" the review.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Thief: The Dark Project]]
* The "masterfully executed Link", with accompanying [[VisualPun visual gag]], was an almost painfully hilarious LampshadeHanging segue.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:House of the Dead: Overkill]]
* The part with [[Franchise/SuperMarioBros Bowser]] in front of an arcade game.
-->'''Yahtzee''': Fittingly it's totally retro with the entirety of the controls being little more than "press B to shoot" and "don't press B to not shoot".\\
[Bowser demonstrates by repeatedly smashing his nose into the button on the machine until he falls onto his back having bloodied his face and knocked himself out, with the game then telling him "You need to shoot some more."
* This bit.
-->'''Yahtzee's TV''': Btw dem cunts be dead.
-->'''Yahtzee's AuthorAvatar''': YOU IS DE CUNT!
* His metaphor of Creator/Nintendo as the first survivor killed in a ZombieApocalypse, UsefulNotes/XBox as the heroine, and [[UsefulNotes/PlayStation3 PS3]] as Creator/VingRhames, culminating in a VisualPun about the "tortured metaphor" with [[JackBauerInterrogationTechnique Jack Bauer]] at a computer.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:50 Cent: Blood on the Sand]]
* "Remove your presumptions and we find ourself playing a game about an extremely rich man (who wears two hats for no adequate reason) destabilizing a developing nation in order to steal what little wealth it has for himself. Presumably to spend on fur coats made of diamonds to wear on stage while singing about how great he is."
* The credits blurb about the game being the story about how 50 Cent destabilized the Middle East and thereby caused the events of ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'' series.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Resident Evil 5]]
* "It's like watching someone beat their fists against a wall and run off to hospital only to do it some more. And they used my medical insurance. And it's my wall."
** Which is just a small part of Yahtzee's hilarious rant about the ArtificialStupidity of his NPC sidekick.
*** "One time I was low on health - but not too low - and was about to use a small herb to keep myself going when I saw my partner coming towards me brandishing a valuable large herb. And when you're running away from your support character with more desperate terror than you feel for any of the actual monsters, something has definitely gone wrong somewhere!"
* "If you want to wear armor, that takes up a space too. You're carrying your armor in a pocket of your armor!" Queue a picture of Chris screaming "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" while he falls through infinite recurring armors.
* "But let's close this review with a revisit of that lovely matter of racism that's been hanging around like a bad smell. [=RE5=] actually does a lot to defer that accusation. Your partner is black [[ButNotTooBlack (a bit)]], quite a few whiteys are scattered throughout the early hordes, and real effort has been put into a somewhat realistic and sympathetic depiction of modern Africa. ''And then...!'' Halfway through the game, we suddenly find ourselves in [[UnfortunateImplications a succession of mud hut villages fighting crowds of jabbering black people in loincloths and war paint, chucking spears]]. ''Oh, dears!'' [[OutOfTheFryingPan Talk about sidestepping a pothole only to fall off a bridge]]. But one needn't be worried unless there's genuine hatred behind it, [[InnocentBigot and I don't get that impression]]. Creator/{{Capcom}} [[HanlonsRazor aren't bad people, they're just idiots!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo Wars]]
* TheStinger of the [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/645-Halo-Wars review.]] [[spoiler: The imps discuss how tasty Pedigree Dog Food is. Yahtzee is not amused.]]
** Or [[AlternateCharacterInterpretation alternatively]] [[spoiler:he just wanted his NiceHat back]].
* "Yes, it's real-time strategy; a genre which, as the whinier of my correspondence have repeatedly made me '''''[[SurpriseCreepy very]]''''' much aware, I have neglected up to now."
* The rant
--> [About his hostage units on EscortMission disappearing after the timer runs out] "We lost contact!" went the character... [[PunctuatedForEmphasis BULL. FUCKING. SHIT.]] (the words "[[GoshDangitToHeck WHAT. ARBITRARY. SILLINESS.]]" appear in synchrony with his swearing). All possible threats were dead! We didn't lose contact - I was looking at them - They were RIGHT. FUCKING. THERE! They were so close we could communicate by '''waggling our eyebrows at each other'''! What the fuck happened when the stupid arbitrary time limit ran out!? Did their ''Film/BattleRoyale'' collars explode!? Did they lose honor and disembowel themselves? '''WHAT'''?!\\
And just to put the cherry on it, you know who they were? ''Absolutely bloody no one!'' Generic faceless ''pricks'' of the sort I'd vat-grown about ''fifty of'' that day alone! But we didn't make it in time, so they were going to make me do the '''''whole fucking mission again!'''''\\
As the exasperated Chinese zookeeper said to the last male panda in the world, '''FUCK! THAT!'''
*** It becomes about a million times more funny when you realise that this is the first -- and likely only -- time that Yahtzee has sounded seriously legitimately angry. Not jokey-acting anger, serious, honest to god "WHAT THE FUCK" anger. And it's '''[[InLoveWithYourCarnage beautiful.]]'''
* Let's not forget the awesome [[SelfDeprecation hypocritically humorous]] line that explains why he doesn't enjoy the RTS genre:
--> I'm a man's man, a courageous man who's not afraid to be out in the field... [[spoiler:looking my enemy square in the eye through the scope of a high-powered sniper rifle from the next town over.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tom Clancy's H.A.W.X.]]
* During the review he illustrates the enemy PMC attacking Washington. Then the giant, bug-eyed Uncle Sam pops up behind them with a giant "OI!" beside him.
* Also "I know that drama demands that the enemy actually be a plausible threat, but I still think it'd have been more credible if the enemy had been an army of disgruntled insect people from the Earth's core ([[OverlyLongGag five]] [[{{Beat}} second]] [[OutOfCharacterMoment pause]])... [[DrawnTogether WEARING SILLY HATS.]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Siren: Blood Curse]]
* His praise of "Sightjacking" as an interesting concept, [[VisualPun portrayed as an eyeball]] on ADateWithRosiePalms.
* Another one of his odd metaphors crops up - "As the leper said to his mistress, 'Where's the bloody point?'"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Valkyria Chronicles]]
* His summarized feelings for [=JRPGs=]:
--> "If you're new to this series, let me briefly summarize my feelings towards [=JRPGs=]: UUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH RRRRAEEEEEEEUUUUUHHHH and every single one of them is about androgynous twelve-year-olds killing Satan."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Duke Nukem Forever]]
* Oh Lord, it's difficult to pick just one part of this review as being funnier than the rest. It really must be [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/748-Duke-Nukem-Forever seen to be believed.]] Some backstory: The game won Viewer's Choice on Yahtzee's Facebook page. Thing is, [[spoiler:the game wasn't actually out yet. The whole review is a big sarcastic joke about the game's [[DevelopmentHell ''long'' development cycle and has to be one of his best videos.]]]] Highlights include:
* The major changes the game goes through as it progresses:
--> '''Yahtzee''': I started the game first-person shooting at terrorists in a military complex, then four or five hours later I was in a restaurant on the Moon making ravioli for an incoming alien wedding party. And I honestly couldn’t tell you where any significant changes occurred in the intervening time!
** Even better, in the accompanying visuals, you can see a sign that reads "CONGRATULATIONS [[AerithAndBob VL'HURG AND STEVE]]". In fact, it provides the page image for AerithAndBob.
* The "fake" screenshots and trailers for the game:
--> '''Yahtzee''': But what really boggles my mind is the sheer amount of effort that went into the fake screenshots and trailers that were released throughout development to give the false impression that the game was an utterly generic brown FPS that any competent studio could have farted out in a year or two, and that the entire team were time-wasting cock sections with the work ethic of an ''overweight house cat with no legs''.
* Every single part of Yahtzee praising the game's control scheme:
--> '''Yahtzee''': Every single mode of gameplay in this extravaganza is controlled through an intuitive full body interface. You move Duke’s arms with the analog sticks and his legs with the shoulder buttons. So to walk forward you alternate pressing L1 and R1 and you’d be amazed how immersive that gets after a while. The buttons are used for facial expressions, so you press X to move your mouth, Triangle to pick your nose, and Square and Circle to wiggle your ears. These are all mostly used to endear yourself to the many rascally children you have to befriend, but they’re also used for problem solving, such as at the point where Duke is strapped to an operating table and needs to activate a crossbow someone left next to his head. Also for the first ten minutes or so you can also use the SIXAXIS to rotate Duke’s neck, but then there’s a hilarious [[BreakingTheFourthWall fourth wall breaking sequence]] where Duke bursts into the lead designer’s office and punches him in the stomach for being so fucking stupid.
* The game's dolphin races, which are portrayed on screen through an image of Duke racing a bazooka-wielding Adolf Hitler through the seas on dolphins. And Hitler's dolphin even has a Swastika!
* The game's amazing achievements, especially as [[spoiler: Yahtzee descends into an [[MotorMouth insanely fast]] LeaningOnTheFourthWall fuelled rant about the final achievement, which appears to hit a hit too CloseToHome]]:
--> '''Yahtzee''': It’s difficult to pin down my favourite aspect of Duke Nukem Forever between the dolphin races and the gun that shoots dogs and the liberal use of full frontal nudity. But I think the achievements deserve particular mention. It’s not just the usual token achievement every time you beat a chapter and a big one at the end, ''No sir!'' Duke Nukem Forever makes you fucking work for your gamer score. There’s the achievement for beating the final boss using only your ears; There’s the achievement for playing the whole game with the controller immersed in icy water; The achievement for placing a Wii Fit board in front of the TV and obliterating it with a croquet mallet; But the hardest one of all is [[spoiler:the achievement for turning off the console, leaving the house, meeting a nice girl, taking a sailing boat around the world, having three beautiful blonde children, and finally dying content with the knowledge that ''you didn’t spend [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall twelve years waiting for an utterly pedestrian sequel to a game that everyone stopped caring about around 1997'' '''''to be released by a developer that makes John Romero look on the ball!]]''''']]. Which is a huge challenge because [[spoiler:[[ComicallyMissingThePoint if just one of those kids turns out brunette then you have to start all over again]]!]]
* It becomes even more apparent in the next section:
--> '''Yahtzee''': My one criticism for Duke Nukem Forever is that it comes on 14 [=DVDs=]. But I’d expect nothing less from a game with such a long development time! And every second is on display! And a good thing too, I mean hypothetically [[spoiler:if 3D Realms hadn’t used the time to put together a titanic super game and had been merely jerking off for twelve years then it raises unfortunate implications. It means that not only can a studio be staffed entirely by howler monkeys but there are also investors, who probably consider themselves to be quite serious people, who will pay them to jump about and wee on things for over a decade, while talented people with great ideas for games are snubbed because they’ve never had dinner with John Carmack or whatever. And then when the monkeys present nothing more entertaining then a fistful of poo on a tray and they get sued for all their bananas, a bunch of extremely thick people, who still genuinely believe that something half decent could come out of this rigmarole, would say “That’s tragic!” '''NO IT IS NOT TRAGIC!''' If you get sued because you were paid to do a job you didn’t do, that's not tragic, that's how the world should be! And you are a magnificent retard who should have their brain taken away by social services!]]
** The best part is that when he mentions [[spoiler:getting paid to do a job you didn't do]], the visuals show [[spoiler:The Escapist's logo walking up to Yahtzee, showing him a piece of paper that reads "CONTRACT: REVIEW [[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial ACTUAL GAMES]] [[LeaningOnTheFourthWall THAT EXIST]]'' and then taking away Yahtzee's desk.]]
* The ending of the review, and subsequent credits:
--> '''Yahtzee''': But anyway, the point was [[spoiler:[[SuspiciouslySpecificDenial I’m just glad I don’t live in a world where such scenarios exist]]. Now I better stop here because I promised Jimi Hendrix that we’d go pony trekking under the sea.]]
** And then the credits show [[spoiler:him and Jimi Hendix riding seahorses under the sea, Kimi Hendrix putting on an underwater performance and then getting blown up from a missile launched from a Yellow Submarine.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Second Annual E3 Hype Massacre]]
* While conducting [[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/779-The-Second-Annual-E3-Hype-Massacre his second annual overview of games previewed at E3:]] "''VideoGame/FinalFantasyXIV''! I feel that anything I could say would be repeating myself, so I'm just going to express my feelings with a strangled noise from the back of my throat: Aughhghhghghhghghhghghggh."
** What's even better is that he continues doing that over the end credits music, even attempting to keep with the tune.
*** Made better still when he realizes the "epic guitar solo" ending is coming up. You can hear him very quickly say "Fuck" before inhaling and bracing for impact.
* "VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}! As in 'Hey, yo' betta not play this game-' OH, FUCK YOU!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Prototype]]
* When comparing the two protagonists: "I had to laugh at a moment when I was on a mission, plowing a tank through a crowded street, and over the agonized screams, Alex said: "Gawrsh, I sure hope this is the right thing to do!" It's like if Series/MrBean were a mass murderer."
* "A sandbox is only as good as the method by which you get around it, and [[VideoGame/{{Infamous}} Cole]] has a tendency to get bogged down with climbing, while Alex can shoot blood out of his wrists at jet engine velocity and ''fly'', like emo Peter Pan." ("THINK WHINY THOUGHTS")
[[/folder]]
[[folder:The Sims 3]]
* "This may sound a bit hysterical, but ''The Sims 3'' is probably the most evil game in the world."
* At the beginning he says he's reviewing this game because ''VideoGame/GhostbustersTheVideoGame'', which he'd rather be reviewing, hasn't been released in Australia yet.
-->"My future self will probably be playing it by the time this video goes out, but ''fuck'' my future self, he's got something against me ever since he started putting on weight."\\
[Present!Yahtzee starts eating a doughnut roughly a quarter the size of his body, causing the gut of Future!Yahtzee to jut out, much to the latter's dismay.]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Juarez: Bound in Blood]]
* Every time the party blower comes out in the ''[[VideoGame/CallOfJuarezBoundInBlood Call of HWAREZ]]'' review.
** "...and no, for some reason, I cannot pronounce '''[[InsistentTerminology Hwarez]]''' any differently..."
** "This may surprise you, but[[spoiler:--" *party whistle*]]
** The bit during the ''VideoGame/SilentHill2'' review with the party blower coming out of Yahtzee's hat. And the look of shock coming from Yahtzee as a result.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:2.5D Hoedown]]
* The distraught level designer in the 2.5D Hoedown who follows him around crying with "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" taking up the entire top third of the screen.
* The subversion of XMeetsY at the end.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Tales of Monkey Island]]
* Yahtzee's terrible-Irish-accent half of the review of ''VideoGame/TalesOfMonkeyIsland'' was [[CrossesTheLineTwice painfully hilarious]].
** [[ActuallyPrettyFunny Chances are good that you may find it funny even if you are Irish.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Wolfenstein]]
* "[[VideoGame/{{Wolfenstein}} It's so obnoxiously safe and committee designed]] that any attempt to critique it in my normal manner would be equally as dull. ...so that why I've decided to review it ''[[http://www.escapistmagazine.com/videos/view/zero-punctuation/916-Wolfenstein in Limerick form]]''".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Batman: Arkham Asylum]]
* While describing the game's combat: "[[PressXToNotDie Press X to]] [[strike:not die]] [[SubvertedTrope KICK ASS]]."
* Also from the ''Arkham Asylum'' video, at 1:58 of the review, he shows Batman pouncing on and killing a mother cat - complete with mourning kittens.
* "Another tool in Batman's arse...enal is the Detective Vision; I guess you can't call it 'Bat-Vision', then it'd be a black screen."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Scribblenauts]]
* "...But as I tapped the block to break it, it shifted slightly, and I clicked the background and ''fuck'', it was like my character had been waiting all day for me to do do that. He flung his pick into the air and started jumping up and down like he wanted to be a cloud when he grew up."
* "''{{VideoGame/Scribblenauts}}'' comes to us from 5th Cell Media, a bunch of work-shy cheaters whose most notable previous title is ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'', a game so unfinished that the player had to do half the art design themselves [...] After ''VideoGame/DrawnToLife'' they wanted to prove they're not above drawing stuff themselves, so they drew every single object on Earth. Talk about overcompensating!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Wet]]
* There is one particular hilarious line.
-->"The main character is Rubi, a tomboyish assassin who is about as likeable and sympathetic as a deep-sea angler fish in an SS uniform."
** "She's arrogant, rude, surly, psychotic, selfish, greedy, joyless, and really rather ''[[ArsonMurderAndJaywalking dim]]''."
*** "She also thinks swearing is wit. ''[[SelfDeprecation That's my thing!]]''"
* The utter lampooning of terrible gaming ideas scattered throughout ''{{VideoGame/Wet}}'''s design through use of the game programmer "Pillock," who does everything to please the octopus in his brain, and causes his boss to be DrivenToSuicide.
* "global wobal wobbity bits"
* His TakeThat of Rule of Cool gunplay: "The gunplay is based around Rubi's ability to [[GunsAkimbo automatically shoot one enemy while manually aiming with the other gun,]] which is an effective gameplay mechanic, but it only works when [[LeapAndFire she's leaping through the air]] or [[WallRun wallrunning]] or [[GunFu sliding along the ground like she's being carried along by an army of beetles.]] And at all other times she forgets that [[DualWielding she's holding more than one gun,]] so apparently she's got an air-cooled brain. It's most reminiscent of Stranglehold, and has the same problem that game had. [[RuleOfCool Yes, it's kind of thrilling when]] [[Creator/JohnWoo Inspector Tequila]] [[GunFu dives sideways]] in [[BulletTime slow motion]] shooting dual pistols while [[DisturbedDoves doves fly out of his ass,]] but when he does it [[WillingSuspensionOfDisbelief 50 times in a row you start to wonder if he has some kind of inner ear-disabling, dove-shitting medical disorder.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story]]
* A dog ''randomly gets rocketed out of his DS''.
** Not entirely random--just the scene prior his avatar had been saying "Out, out!" to [[{{Squick}} a horrible mental image]] as Yahtzee-as-narrator described 'another bizarre bit,' and apparently between those two something in the handheld obliged him in the most hilarious way possible.
* "...unless you're some kind of recently unfrozen neanderthal and this is your first experience with electronic media, in which case: '''''RARRGH!''' Submit your soul to the one-eyed demon!''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dragon Age: Origins]]
* "I'd like to see a Tolkienesque fantasy where the humans ''aren't'' the biggest pricks in the room. I mean, a lot of my friends are humans, and some of them are all right."
** "HELLO, YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Assassin’s Creed II]]
* The episode starts with Yahtzee's mangling of a saying familiar to Europeans (and ''[[Webcomic/AxisPowersHetalia Hetalia]]'' fans):
-->"[...] In heaven [[HollywoodCuisine the food is Italian]], [[BritishCoppers the police are British]], [[VideoGame/PrinceOfPersiaTheSandsOfTime the platformers are French]], [[VideoGame/SeriousSam the shooters are Croatian]], and it's all run by two international software giants and an electronics corporation. [[ForeignQueasine In hell the food is British]], [[VideoGame/TooHuman the shooters are Canadian]], [[{{Metaphorgotten}} and I forget the rest]], but basically the gist of the saying is that [[AcceptableNationalityTargets Italians are all tossers]]."
* Yahtzee's recap of the events of the first Assassin's Creed:
-->"It recounted the adventures of Desmond the future-y man and favorite candidate for the blandest sentient lifeform in the universe competition as he uncovered a global conspiracy by diving into the racial memories of Altair, the Medieval pasty man, an Assassin with the ability to turn completely invisible when sitting on benches looking serious, hampered since birth with a unique genetic deformity that makes him [[SuperDrowningSkills water-soluble]]."
* The game's fast-travel system, here depicted as Ezio being shot out of a cannon.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Demon's Souls]]
* Describing a boss fight with what he describes as a giant cow pat: "Anyway, I eventually managed to return the monster to cow pat hell..." (showing him GolfClubbing the cow pat followed by it landing next to a sign saying [[TakeThat "Welcome to Sussex"]].)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Holiday 2009]]
* [[spoiler:"Oh, what the fuck are you doing here? It's Christmas, haven't you got families to resent? This is my one week off, I'm going on holiday."]]
** [[spoiler:"... That's ''summer'' holiday, by the way. Hope that northern hemisphere's weather's working out for you."]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Awards for 2009]]
* "The Everything-Proof Shield Award for Most Obstinate Refusal to Die";
--> "[After explaining why he does not give the award to Mario] -so instead I'm giving it to [[TakeThat Michael Atkinson]]; a south-Australian Attorney-General who continues to ensure that half the games get banned or censored, and whose ancient, black, dried-up little heart still manfully strives to keep him alive in the face of the searing waves of hatred that are broadcast to him from all over the nation AND the world, every second of every day. Well done, you ''[[SophisticatedAsHell miserable old fuck]]''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Darksiders]]
* When complaining about {{Wangst}}y, [[TestosteronePoisoning testosterone-poisoned]] protagonists:
-->If I were War and I just hoisted a seven-foot demon into the air and chopped it in half with a single swing, I wouldn't stand there scowling. I'd go, "Fucking hell! Did anyone just see that!? I am squirting machismo out of my ''nipples'' over here! I am a ''monster truck'' that walks like a ''man''!"
* The whole beginning of the review as well:
-->''Well bugger my bumblebee's breadbin! First weeks of Twenty-Ten are going to be fun, aren't they? ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'', ''VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}'', ''VideoGame/DantesInferno'', and ''VideoGame/GodOfWarIII''... ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, ''God of War'' ripoff, and... Well, ''Franchise/GodOfWar''.''
* And while we're at it, the part we're he reveals ''VideoGame/{{Darksiders}}'' shameless rip-off of ''Franchise/TheLegendOfZelda'':
-->''I don't think [borrowing from Legend of Zelda]'s the case, thought. To say ''Darksiders'' "borrows heavily" implies they did some work of their own. A better phrase would be "Completely Rips-Off with about much shame and emotion as the fucking [[Series/StarTrekTheNextGeneration Borg collective]]"! I appreciate that taking elements from a good game that work well and play around with menu scenarios isn't a bad way to design games, but when you have a boomerang that can hit multiple targets, a grappling hook that pulls you to climbable walls, and puzzle dungeon about deflecting beams of light with movable mirrors, we've moved from simple "homage" to the territory of "spraying a stolen car and re-selling it to the owner"! Thankfully the last dungeon introduces a gadget that has never been in a Zelda game: [[VideoGame/{{Portal}} A gun that opens blue and orange portals]]!'' ... '''Outstanding'''.
* "...The main character looks like someone sat down, started drawing him, ''and then never fucking stopped.'' [...] What War looks like is a fucking coral reef on legs."
* "Here are the combos you will need to know to master ''Darksiders'': the Chump Chop ('Square'), the Double Chump Chop ('Square'+'Square'), and the Whipped Cream Genocide Brouhaha ('Square'+'Square'+'Square')."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bayonetta]]
* His mental breakdowns over the utterly complex plots of the game in question and, get this, ''[[VideoGame/PacMan Pac-Man]]''.
--> Eat pills, avoid ghosts... only sometimes you can eat the ghosts as well if you-AUGH!
* Speaking of VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}}, his British 'immunity' to her.
--> "Fortunately, being [[BritishStuffiness English]], and [[LieBackAndThinkOfEngland therefore utterly repulsed by the slightest sexual urge of myself and everyone around me]], I am immune from any callous attempt to touch my heart via my wrinkly undercarriage, and VideoGame/{{Bayonetta}} looks about as sexy to me as a pencil stuck through a couple of grapes."
* The series of {{Freudian slip}}s the make a lie of that last comment.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dark Void]]
* The 'Inspiration-o-meter'.
* ''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' is "a game that ran out of something. Maybe it was money, or time, or will[[note]]Creator/WillSmith's face[[/note]], or employees, or maybe a giant monster frog demolished their studio while battling Franchise/{{Godzilla}}."
* "''VideoGame/DarkVoid'' started off pretty rocky, but between the rocks I caught a glimpse of something beautiful with cleavage that could hold up a fucking Christmas tree. But once I'd caught up with it and we'd started making out, all its teeth fell into my mouth and gave me scurvy."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Borderlands]]
* Describing Borderlands as an "FPS RPG [[FunWithAcronyms (OMG)]]".
* Yahtzee's depiction of a USB glove controller for MMORPG fans, [[SchmuckBait where you get one experience point every time you punch yourself in the face]].
* [[InsistentTerminology Referring]] to the game's setting as "[[Film/{{Avatar}} Pandora]][[NamesTheSame -no-not-that-one]]".
* "Interface 101: the less clicks, the better." [[CrossesTheLineTwice (Shoots a dolphin)]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mass Effect 2]]
* The resource harvesting: "Which is as interesting as it sounds, and it sounds like this: '''BWUUUUUUUUAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH...'''"
** The description of "the Creator/BioWare face" [[GoingThroughTheMotions problem]] has to be seen:
---> "Hello Commander Shepard (wave-hand), I heard you might show up today (nod-head), how 'bout those freaky aliens, eh? (shake-fist, grr-grr, slightly racist undercurrent)"
---> Shepard's response: (Paragon) You should learn to respect other cultures. (Renegade) RAAR! SHEPARD SMASH!!!
* Preceded by Creator/BioWare no longer scoring points for writing.
---> Birds fly, fish swim, [[BreadEggsMilkSquick Michael Atkinson molests dogs]], and Creator/BioWare games have good writing.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dante's Inferno]]
* On the game’s ViralMarketing:
--> "[...]I'd rather go to the hell for the wrathful than the hell for people who work in the [[Creator/ElectronicArts EA marketing department]], [[TakeThat which I'm pretty sure is the EA marketing department]]."
* Yahtzee refers to the KarmaMeter system in terms of [[VideoGame/MassEffect renegading or paragoning]] lost souls for either meter, and later on comments on the pointlessness of it all:
--> "'So what's the point of having two different experience levels?' you ask. 'Well, it's like my right hand on a Sunday night,' I say. 'Why's that?' you ask. [[ADateWithRosiePalms 'IT BEATS THE FUCK OUT OF ME!']]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Bioshock 2]]
* "Grr, your selfless compassion fills me with murder frenzy!" and his comments about how playing as a Big Daddy is a bit like "making a sequel to ''VideoGame/{{Half-Life}}'' where you get to play as a gun turret." Complete with a diagram of the controls.
** Could be more HilariousInHindsight, seeing as one of the characters in ''VideoGame/{{Portal 2}}'''s co-operative mode is a robot adapted from a turret.
* "Instead of playing [[VideoGame/PipeMania Pipe Dream]] for half-an-hour at every turn, you do a pseudo-quicktime event for a few seconds instead, [[ARareSentence and apparently the universe is about to explode]], because the quicktime events have actually ''improved'' the game."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Aliens vs. Predator]]
* The opening of the review:
-->"Aliens vs. Predator is one of those concepts you're probably not supposed to think too much about, especially not the title. Surely they're both aliens, and come to think of it they're both predators, too. Perhaps a more explanatory title is necessary, like Big Dribbly Black Thing That Likes Eating Lance Henriksen and Has a Head That Makes You Wonder About What Sort of Relationship H. R. Giger Had With His Father vs. Big Clicky Invisible Thing with a Crab for a Face That Always Seems to End Up Getting Beaten Up By Big Stupid Lads Wearing Dirty Pants."
* Also, his description of the ''Franchise/{{Alien}}'' formula:
--> "Aliens take over facility, Marines get sent in to take care of it the same way that bits of bread get sent into ponds to take care of the ducks. And there's inevitably some stupid, evil business/military guy who wants to harness the Aliens, and the more times this happens the more evil and stupid they get: 'Okay, so the last 60 evil, stupid guys who tried to control the Aliens all got their brains spread on cream crackers and served as canapes at the Alien hoedown, but I think their problem was just not being evil and stupid enough'"
* Concerning combat against Aliens while controlling a Predator:
--> It plays like a hack'n'slasher that was designed by a pilchard. (Picture shows a exasperated pilchard at a computer saying FUCK YES).
* Yahtzee's frustration at the humans' seeming ignorance of what a Predator is despite numerous previous encounters has him wondering why none of the other survivors didn't at least mention it on their [=LiveJournal=]. This is illustrated with a man with Predator claws stuck in his skull, sitting at a computer and typing, "Dear Diary: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Battlefield: Bad Company 2]]
* He actually mentions Haggard's Truck-o-saurus Rex from the first game in it.
* His description of the game also warrants a mention: "VideoGame/ModernWarfare Modern Warfare click click jabber jabber hello bang dead"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Final Fantasy XIII]]
* "As a highly respected and successful game critic—SHUT UP, I AM!"
* "So far, I've established that the two lead-ish characters are named Lightning and Snow, which are both things that could ruin a picnic. There's also another guy called Hope, as in, 'I Hope we can get these sandwiches back in the car before any Snow or Lightning happens.'"
* QUACK
* "This [[TheScrappy Hope]] guy has been established from the start as a whiny, weak, inept, cowardly, socially retarded mummy's boy, so presumably, [[ThisLoserIsYou he's the character most of the audience are meant to project onto]]."
* "I know what you're gonna say: 'Yahtzee, please take your dick out of my eye socket!’"
* "If this were ''VideoGame/ModernWarfare'', I'd have curb-checked every terrorist in the free world by now."
* "[[TheStinger I checked and yep,]] [[RuleThirtyFour there’s already erotic fanart of the FF13 characters]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Just Cause 2]]
* "Some might say that's enough. Some might say I'm too hard to please. But some can shut their fucking mouths." Accompanied by the heckling Imps being ''chased by a tiger.''
* In the same (surprisingly positive) review, he portrays main character [[VideoGame/JustCause Rico]] as a fearsome wizard with almighty control of physics. [[YouFailPhysicsForever He might not be too far off the mark.]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Silent Hill: Shattered Memories]]
* "''[[JustForPun Shuttered Mammaries]]'' is technically a remake of ''VideoGame/SilentHill 1'', in the same way a dog biting off your dick is technically foreplay." With animation of a dog tugging on a long black bar protruding from Yahtzee's crotch with the word "YUM" written on it while Yahtzee stands there doing nothing except for [[MajorInjuryUnderreaction widening his eyes]], the dog finally separating it from his body and walking away with it leaving a trail of blood, and Yahtzee staring after the dog with a big heart floating over his head.
* ''Shuttered Mammaries'' gives you a psychological analysis based on your playing choices [caption: YOU'RE A PRICK] and told Yatzee he was "fastidiously clean and tidy" (besides trying hard to ignore the rubbish piling up in the kitchen), "family-oriented" (living on the other side of the world from them and never writing) and "possibly crap in bed". "[{{Beat}}] ...moving on..."
* "And some of the characters wear different clothes. I don't find that red dress particularly intimidating, but - oh fuck, a pink dress, ''shit's gettin' real!''"
* His description of the blue-tinted Dark World resembling "the night God drank his Slurpee too fast" accompanied by an image of God clutching his head in agony and screaming "FUCK" had this troper in stitches.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Splinter Cell: Conviction]]
* The critique of the IdiotPlot and how the villains are TooDumbToLive.
-->"Note that Sam only finds out about the conspiracy after it sends thugs to kill him, so the baddies said to themselves, 'Hey, the one guy who could threaten our operation is in a different country and isn't the slightest bit interested in our stupid conspiracy. ''Fuck that'', let's go shoot at him!'"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:[=NieR=]]]
* "Before the game tells you his name it asks you if you can come up with a better one, and thus began the adventures of Twattycake, defender of the innocent."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Dead to Rights: Retribution]]
* "In case you never played the first game here's a [[RunningGag Dead To Rights Recap]]: BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH BANG PUNCH WOOF!"
* "Let's just hope it doesn't end up Dead To Rights: Retarded. That would be Dead To Rights: Regrettable."
* About the [[DesignatedHero Protagonist]]:
--> " I feel Jack is following the letter rather than the spirit of the law. A law completely unique to Jack Slate, given to him by some kind of [[AxeCrazy mad]] ocelot god [[GreatGazoo only he can see]]."
* About the takedowns:
--> "You slap around the enemy enough and he'll get disoriented. Press a button and both he and Jack you'll get transported to a little pocket dimension where ''pain is God, and Jack Slate is'' '''pope'''!"
* And the conclusion:
--> "I even have a good name for a sequel. Dead to Rights: Really. Really, really, really... really, really, really... ''Dumb''."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Monster Hunter Tri]]
* Yahtzee doesn't get most [=JRPGs=]. Not the sex games though. ''Those'' he understands. Even the visual novels.
* The proper title for ''VideoGame/MonsterHunter Tri'':
--> "But I guess calling it ''"Hunter/Gatherer of Innocent Young Dinosaurs Pathetically Mewling Their Last as the Memory of Their Mother's Warmth Drifts Away to Be Replaced by the Unforgiving Coldness of"''... oh fuck it, let's just call it: '''"YouBastard"'''."
* "You can play the game with the Wii-mote and nunchuk in the same way you can technically compete in a fencing competition using only your erect penis." (complete with the image of a guy's "DADDY" cut off by said fencing opponent.)
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alan Wake]]
* ''VideoGame/AlanWake'' has a side-quest where you collect pages of manuscript about the story you're currently playing. Alan picks up one which reads "Then Alan was savaged by the biggest and most sexually frustrated bear that has ever lived." The bear then appears behind him with a big censor bar on its crotch reading "GENTLE BEN!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Red Dead Redemption]]
* " Sometimes [=NPCs=] will get caught in weird quantum singularities, and flicker in and out of a parallel universe where men have merged with horses. Sometimes John's walk animation fails, and he glides merrily around like he's on rocket skates. At one point his love of his country got the better of him, and I had to reboot, to stop him humping a mountain."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Alpha Protocol]]
* Thornton being "[[AddedAlliterativeAppeal The Ponciest little Ponce that ever ponced past the Poncing Parlor]]".
* The visuals depicting ''VideoGame/AlphaProtocol'''s "incomprehensible miasma" of a plot.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:E3 2010]]
* The prediction about what Microsoft's Kinect might turn out like:
-->"So everything will be fine until a wasp gets in the room, and then your character will promptly throw all their grenades away and pummel a chair! "
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Super Mario Galaxy 2]]
* About the standard Mario ExcusePlot setup:
-->[...] the plot of many Mario games can be enlivened somewhat by assuming that "cake" is the Mushroom Kingdom word for "sex"; The Princess invites Mario over for some... ''cake'', but Bowser kidnaps her so she can make some... ''cake'' for him instead, only now he's five hundred feet tall and emperor of the universe, so she'd better make sure her "''cake''" is spread ''quite'' wide.
* The text adventure bit.
-->You are a greasy Italian spaz standing on a platform unsupported in the yawning void of space.\\
What now?\\
'''>DIE OF ASPHYXIATION'''\\
You can't do that (somehow).\\
What now?\\
'''>JUMP'''\\
You jump, emitting a hearty vocalization like a flamboyant homosexual being goosed while breathing helium.\\
'''>AGAIN'''
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Singularity]]
* "Naturally, the plot ends up with more holes than [[Music/TheBeatles Blackburn, Lancashire]]. If all the history up 'til 1955 gets changed, than why am I still in the present? How do all the other characters know that history was changed? Actually, [[HandWave they do explain that]] -- someone left a note... Now, I don't know about you, but I'd like to think of myself as credulous enough to not form international secret societies at the behest of time-travel conspiracy theories on random pieces of paper. It'd be like seeing some bathroom graffiti and forming a religion around "Big Hank"."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Crackdown 2]]
* The bit about the online multiplayer: "Joining random online games is like walking into an aviary full of nitrous oxide and trying to play scrabble with the kookaburras while they stand around having sex with your mum."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Split/Second: Velocity]]
* [[InsistentTerminology "Split Stroke Second Colon Velocity"]]
* About driving games in general: "I like them, but I'm terrible at them. It's the exact opposite of the problem I have with fellatio."
** Driving in real life: "I doubt things would be easier to get around if I was six feet wide and constantly farting carbon monoxide. I don't know how [[YourMom your mum]] does it."
** The early proto-man, working on the wheel and threatened by woolly mammoths; "Yes, life was tough in [[UsefulNotes/MargaretThatcher Thatcher's]] Britain."
* "And I think if you're ''that'' rich, you're beyond needing video-games for entertainment. You probably get your jollies by buying two poverty-stricken pregnant women, and telling them that neither of them are getting out of the arena alive until [[DeadBabyComedy one has eaten the other's fetus]].
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Transformers: War For Cybertron]]
* At the end:
-->"There, you may now e-mail me to explain in close detail how the death of Optimus Prime was your generation's ''{{Theatre/Othello}}''."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Kane & Lynch 2: Dog Days]]
* On the game's cameraman: "And when you try sprinting, ''Christ!'' It's like his kneecaps have been replaced with ''slinkies!''"
** The accompanying illustrations depicting an InUniverseCamera man named "Brian" who eagerly runs around behind the titular duo, and Kane telling Lynch to "Just pretend that he's not here."
* His remark at the very end of the review was also incredibly funny, especially when you start to hear his voice develop a rather serious growl to it, like Yahtzee was slipping out of his ZP persona and delivering a criticism of the game out-of-character while at the same time sounding like he was shouting the line.
-->"Kane and Lynch 2 sucks so many dicks that it now breathes ''spunk'' '''instead of air'''!!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Mafia II]]
* "We all agree Prohibition was a stupid law, right? So why is it socially acceptable to crave a nice cup of tea in the morning or a cigarette after a knobbing, but the moment I try to pound half a kilo of smack into my eyeballs everyone thinks there's something wrong with me?!" Accompanied by a female imp in bed next to Yahtzee visibly freaking out when he produces a syringe ''as big as his entire body'' and jabs it into his eye.
* "They were going to call it ''Quest for the Sausage Fountain'', but you know how people are, you have to spell everything out."
* Every mention of "fast whores" is accompanied by a female imp flying about at high speed.
* The various comparisons of the gameplay to a boring office jobs, such as "filing bullets under faces".
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Metroid: Other M]]
* While talking about the development team, Team Ninja: "...''VideoGame/DeadOrAlive: Extreme Beach Volleyball'', or, as it's sometimes known, ''[[{{Gainaxing}} BOING!]]''"
* Also from that review, his hilariously accurate impersonation of Samus' [[DullSurprise monotone voice]] and [[PurpleProse overly flowerly way of speaking]].
-->''(in a monotone voice)'' "From Adam's stern expression, constant swearing, and repeated kicks to my face and stomach, I realized he must have been a bit upset about something."
--->'''Adam:''' WILL YOU FUCKING EMOTE
** ''And'' his suggestion that they get '''{{Creator/BrianBlessed}}''' to voice Samus... and how that ''still'' wouldn't work because [[WhoWritesThisCrap the writing in general is agonizingly awful]].
* "So do you want to know who the traitor turned out to be? [[LeftHanging So the fuck would I! 'Cause the game kinda forgets about this whole sub-plot and hopes you do too.]]"
** On a more meta note: "On a educated guess, though, the evil guy was probably the one with the evil mustache" becomes much funnier when said character actually is the most likely one to be TheMole.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Amnesia: The Dark Descent]]
* The 3 types of horror games:
--> '''Yahtzee''': You see, there are three kinds of horror games: First, there's the kind where you're in a dark room and a guy in a spooky mask jumps out of a cupboard going "abloogy woogy woo" - that would be your Doom 3. Then there's the kind where the guy in the spooky mask isn't in a cupboard but standing right behind you and you just know he's going to go "abloogy woogy woo" at some point but he doesn't and you're getting more and more tense but you don't want to turn around because he might stick his cock in your eye - that would be your [[VideoGame/SilentHill2 Silent Hill 2]]. And then there are horror games where the guy in the spooky mask goes "abloogy woogy woo" while standing on the far side of a brightly lit room before walking slowly over to you plucking a violin and then slapping you in the face with a t-bone steak - that would be your [[VideoGame/DeadSpace Dead Space]].
* The enemies from VideoGame/DeadSpace:
--> '''Yahtzee''': [The Dark Descent] has actually got pacing, unlike VideoGame/DeadSpace, where all the monsters are so fucking thrilled to be working, they fight each other for screen time.
* His description of his thought process during his first scary moment:
--> '''Yahtzee''': Dum-de-dum. Well, this isn't very scary. Oh look, physics! I can throw chairs about like a removal man who's completely stopped giving a shit. Doors suddenly blowing open in the wind? Yawn-o-rama! I guess I'll just look around upstairs and then might as well play Halo: Reach for a bit. Nope, nothing much up here either, I'll just go back and-- whoa, what was that thing I just glimpsed running down a hallway? I don't know, but it looked cross about something, so I think I'll go down this other hallway instead-- Oh, it's blocked. Guess I'll turn around an-- [[JumpScare WHERE DID YOU COME FROM!?]] ''Augh runrunrunrunrun I'm sorry I didn't mean to mess up your chairs-- OH PISSING BLIMEY'' '''''THERE'S JAM COMING OUT OF THE WALLS!'''''
* Also, this gem:
--> '''Yahtzee''': The entire backstory is neatly encapsulated in the title - you have [[LaserGuidedAmnesia amnesia]], that old video game storytelling chestnut. [Yahtzee's avatar is lying in a hospital bed with a doctor consulting a chart.] If adventure games were a medical condition, the first symptom would be amnesia, and the second would be [[KleptomaniacHero kleptomania]]. [Yahtzee makes off with the bed.]
* Regarding the sanity meter:
--> '''Yahtzee''': [Amnesia: The Dark Decent] implements a sanity meter, as if sanity is like diesel oil or something and you can get a reading on it by sticking a dipstick in your ear. And as so often the case, the main effect of losing your sanity is that the screen goes all blurry and weird, as if the first thing anyone does when they go insane is lose their contact lenses. Hanging around in the scary darkness depletes sanity because apparently we're five years old, but staying in the light makes it easier for monsters to see you, creating a toss-up between not getting a headache from wibbly-wobbly camera filters and not ''being murdered''.
* CATCH THE FUCKING EGG!
* He closes it out by calling the game a good constipation aid.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Halo: Reach]]
* "The very first image in the game is a brief flash-forward depicting your helmet lying discarded in the dust of battle-scarred terrain. What the fuck do you think happens in the end? Your character gets thrillingly and climactically ''gets a little bit hot?''"
* Yahtzee's opening rant about Halo's lack of seat belts.
* [[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kZzjsbIMGaI&feature=BFa&list=PL9F1FFC7B1BCCEFA1 "This might sound a bit weird, but 'hoerdy goerdy bobbley boo.'"]]
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Castlevania: Lords of Shadow]]
* "...wondering if one could improve every ''Castlevania'' game by replacing Dracula with the Count from ''Series/SesameStreet'', though probably not ''Symphony of the Night'' because you'd have to rename Alucard "Teerts Emases Morf Tnuoc Eht"
** The joke comes back again in the credits, reading:
--> "ONE miserable little secret! TWO miserable little secrets! [[MemeticMutation A PILE of miserable little secrets!]] Ah-ha-ha-ha!"
* "Who the fuck rips off ''VideoGame/ShadowOfTheColossus?'' That's like cock-slapping the Mona Lisa!"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Enslaved: Odyssey to the West]]
* "So while Journey to the West was about an arrogant monkey king who is forced to learn discipline by escorting a Buddhist monk on a pilgrimage, Enslaved is about a bloke [[GroinAttack slapping robots in the dick]]. [[InNameOnly But his name is Monkey]], so that's alright then."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fallout: New Vegas]]
* "This is a roleplaying game, so let's motherfucking roleplay!".
--> "Woke up in a doctor's office with some guy telling me I've been shot in the head and may have suffered brain damage, but I've learned not to trust the opinion of giant, mustachioed spider-people; so I made my excuses and left."
* His descriptions of his misadventures in the [[VideoGame/FalloutNewVegas Mojave]].
--> "So after loading myself down with other people's packed lunches, I set off on the North road with a song in my heart, and was immediately eaten by giant killer flies."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Call of Duty: Black Ops]]
* His impression of the game's frenzied pacing, akin to a nagging housewife.
-->"''[[MotorMouth Go there! Keep running! Take cover! Not there, you're getting shot! There, shoot that guy! Not him, he's on your side! Can't you tell? He's wearing a slightly different hat! Quick, pick up that grenade and throw it back! I don't know, over there somewhere! Oh, there, see? If you'd thrown it sooner that wouldn't have happened, you stupid cunt!]]'' (smacks Yahtzee with a rolling pin)"
* "Why is my character putting broken glass into the mouth of that helpless prisoner? I don't think he'd find that very tasty--[[OhCrap OH BUGGER MY BREECHES]] [[DudeNotFunny that was uncalled for!]]"
* "Another opportunity for the ''VideoGame/CallOfDuty'' franchise to wave military hardware in our faces and go '''PHWOAR!'''"
* The [[BookEnds beginning and end]] of the review feature several countries personified as people, including America, Russia, China, the UK and Switzerland. Webcomic/AxisPowersHetalia references in the comments section were unavoidable.
** Likewise, Yahtzee's analogy that all the "Modern Warfare"-esque shooters is a sign the United States craves a world war is on par with all the erotic fanfiction by a virgin nerd is a sign that they're trying to say "[[YouNeedToGetLaid I Need To Get Laid]]".
* Pointing out how the term "Black Ops" carries a term of stealth, mystery, and deniability, [[WithCatlikeTread whereas the game has so many explosions and shoot-em-ups that any stealth (let alone deniability) goes sailing out the window]]. Special points for explaining the GrandFinale mission:
--> "What's that, Vladimir? [[BlatantLies No, no, our fleets of aircraft carriers were just in that particular bit of ocean for a volleyball tournament, and to take some photos for a navy recruitment booklet! No, I can't imagine how one of your battleships in the exact same area could've gotten riddled with bullets (although now I come to think about it, I do remember hearing what could have been minigun fire, but at the time I thought it was just somebody playing squash very, very enthusiastically)!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:[=iPhone=] Games]]
* On the game ''Fruit Ninja'': "You're a ninja, fruit is flying in front of you and ''fuck fruit''. Sitting around all smug, ''on trees'' and ''in pies.''"
** Early in his review, he laments that "so much of triple-A gaming these days is endless sequels, ripoffs and wank". The accompanying visuals give an example of a sequel (''VideoGame/KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days''), a ripoff (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days'') and some wank (''Kane and Lynch 2: Dog Days'').
** Telling us what making a game for the iPhone involves versus what making a game for the Wii involves in terms of exactly how badly the developer gets violated, the accompanying visuals, and the first picture of Yahtzee back at his desk afterwards.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood]]
* "I don't want play the same game over and over, I get enough dull repetition in my sex life." Caption: "It's always the bloody nipple clamps with you, isn't it".
* "''Franchise/AssassinsCreed: Literature/DivineSecretsOfTheYaYaSisterhood''"
* Yahtzee actually admits that the story with Ezio is starting to get a little stale (especially since the content feels like it was just cut off from the end of Assassin's Creed II), and is actually looking forward to an all-Desmond centric sequel in the future. Not for [[GenericGuy Desmond himself]], but for the RagtagBunchOfMisfits he's saddled up with, particularly [[DeadpanSnarker sarcastic]] [[TheMeanBrit British guy Shaun.]] "[[DeadpanSnarker Can't think why!]]"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Splatterhouse]]
* His entire rant on adulthood in the ''Splatterhouse'' review.
-->"Isn't being an adult great? You can go on all the fairground rides, drink yourself to death, and stick your dick in all kinds of magical things! Sometimes I like going to hospitals for terminally ill children and just ''rubbing it in.''"
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Epic Mickey]]
* At the beginning he goes into this HeroicBSOD about park mascots trying to sexually abuse him.
--> No, Goofy! I don't want to taste Herman's special milk!
* Feeling the game tries too hard and yet not hard enough to be edgy, Yahtzee goes for broke and slaps Hitler's face onto Mickey's edgy magic paint brush.
* "And why do you think every other console controller has two analog sticks, Mr. Wii? Do you think it's just for symmetry? Or because they look a little bit like nipples? No! It's because in third-person games, the camera is like the working class: If you can't control it, ''it will plot to destroy you''!" All combined with a picture of a camera stabbing Yahtzee in the eye shouting, "Death to the Aristos!"
** Interestingly, yes, originally the Dual Shock did have two sticks just for symmetry, though he's referring to the current generation's controllers so the joke still stands.
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Top 5 of 2010]]
* The top/bottom of 2010 had such counters as "Jumping off a rainbow onto someone you hate" (second best) "Weedkiller Martini" (third worst) and "Mistaking a deep fat fryer for an eyewash station" (second worst).
* After awarding his Worst Game of the Year award to ''KaneAndLynch 2: Dog Days'':
-->"Step onto your first-place podium, then put a rope around your neck so we can kick it away."
[[/folder]]
[[folder:Fable III]]
* The FlatWhat of the '''Fable III''' review. Funniest FlatWhat EVER!
* When describing the plot of the second half of the game, in which the player character must raise six million coins in order to fend off the approaching attack of an EldritchAbomination, Yahtzee illustrates it with his avatar standing waist-deep in a giant pile of coins going "BWA HA HA", before the evil being shows up and he hurls a coin at it whilst yelling "FUCK OFF".
[[/folder]]
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