History Funny / WildWildWest

* "West, not every situation calls for your patented approach of 'shoot first, shoot later, shoot some more, and then, when everybody's dead, try to ask a question or two'."

* Quality and origin of the film aside, it does have some quite funny moments. When all is said and done, it's still Kevin Kline and Will Smith: two exceptionally funny, good actors.
** Gordon's TheReasonYouSuckSpeech to West after they were chased by the giant saws.

--> ''Jangle!''
--> '''West''': No?!

-->'''Gordon''': ''-laughs-'' Oh ho ho, I see. ''Now'' I'm the master of the mechanical ''stuff''. As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless -- '''[[LargeHam JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM]] [[SkywardScream WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!]]''' -- decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, while that demented maniac is hurtling towards our President on our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!

-->'''Gordon''': I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the Master of the Mechanical STUFF! And I have to help you! You, the master of the '''STUPID STUFF!''' You want your collar off, I'll get it off! I don't have a gun, otherwise I'd ''shoot'' it off! Here, in true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!

-->'''Gordon''': ...[[AnalProbing that's the first place Loveless would've looked]].

-->'''West''': ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate between villages. And as you can see by this gal, we could communicate all the way to Baton Rouge. Hell, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston! All I was saying to the gal, was... "Hi... how you doing, my name's Jim... how's your momma..." Then there was that whole "redneck" comment. And I get the feeling y'all took that negatively. But let's break down that word, "redneck": First word, ''red''. Color of passion, fire, power. Second word, neck... neck...

-->'''West''': ...okay, I can't think of anything for neck right now, but without it y'all still got red, and that's something to be proud of. And to be honest -- the whole slavery thing -- I don't know what the big deal is anyway. I mean -- ''[points at random southerner]'' -- are you really gonna get your big fat us up out of bed and pick your own damn cotton?

** The entire scene in the desert after they were chased by the giant saws.

-->'''West''': ...okay, I can't think of anything for neck right now, but without it y'all still got red, and that's something to be proud of. So what do you say we get this shindig off the ground? C'mon, let's -- ''[indicating noose]'' -- come on, put this -- this thing away...

-->'''West''': ...alright, now hold on, hold on. I stand before you as a man realizing that I have done something wrong. And I'd like to take a minute to make that right. ''[To woman]'' Will you marry me?

-->'''Gordon:''' Which is not to say Rita doesn't possess a beauty worthy of a Shakespeare sonnet or a Botticelli painting. My god, the curvature of her buttocks and the swell of that magnificent bosom. So full, so sumptous, so... ''[turns and notices Rita]'' ...What were all those foreign ministers doing at Loveless' party? This is what really puzzles me, did you have any idea there were so many, so foreign, so... ''[quietly to West]'' How long has she been here?

----

-->'''West''': Now, it seems that we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. [[ThanksForTheMammary When I drummed on that lady's breasts]], I didn't mean any offense. You see, in my native land--

-->'''West''': ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate. I was just saying "Hi, my name's Jim, how's your momma?" Obviously, with this young lady we could call all the way to Baton Rouge. Heck, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston. And as for that redneck comment... that was really a compliment. Let's break it down: First you've got ''red''. That's fire, passion, strength. And as for neck...NECK...

-->'''West''': ...okay, I can't think of anything for neck, but you've got red, and that's something to be proud of. I can see there's only one way for me to make this right. Miss -- will you marry me?

-->'''West''': Okay, that's a no. Would it make you feel at all better if I said I thought you were a man?

** "I learned that from a China man!" ''([[GoodOldFisticuffs Whacks him with a shovel]])'' "I just made that up."
** Like so:

** After having failed spectacularly at getting their collars off (at which point they landed in a stream of water):

-->'''West''': ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate. I was just saying "Hi, my name's Jim, how's your momma?" Obviously, [[BuxomIsBetter with this young lady we could call all the way to Baton Rouge. Heck, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston]]. And as for that redneck comment... that was really a compliment. Let's break it down: First you've got ''red''. That's fire, passion, strength. And as for neck...NECK...

-->'''West''': ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate. I was just saying "nice party, you look wonderful tonight, that's a lovely dress you're wearing." Obviously, [[BuxomIsBetter with this young lady we could call all the way to Baton Rouge. Heck, on a clear night, we might even get Galveston]]. And as for that redneck comment... that was really a compliment. Let's break it down: First you've got ''red''. That's fire, passion, strength. And as for neck...NECK...

-->'''West''': ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate. I was just saying "nice party, you look wonderful tonight, that's a lovely dress you're wearing." Obviously, [[BuxomIsBetter with this young lady we could call all the way to New York]]. And as for that redneck comment... that was really a compliment. Let's break it down: First you've got ''red''. That's fire, passion, strength. And as for neck...

-->'''Gordon''': ''-laughs-'' Oh ho ho, I see. ''Now'' I'm the master of the mechanical ''stuff''. As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless -- '''[[LargeHam JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!]]''' -- decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, while that demented maniac is hurtling towards our President on our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!

-->'''Gordon''': ''-laughs-'' Oh ho ho, I see. ''Now'' I'm the master of the mechanical ''stuff''. As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless -- '''[[LargeHam JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!]]''' -- decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!

-->'''Gordon''': I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the Master of the Mechanical STUFF! And I have to help you! You, the master of the '''STUPID STUFF!''' You want your collar off, I'll get it off! I don't have a gun or I'd just shoot it off! Here, in true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!

** "She's a breath of [[FreudianSlip fresh ass]]." "...you said ass." "No, I didn't! I said I like having her on board. She's a breast of fresh air." "[[DeadpanSnarker Let's get some shut ass]]."

-->'''West''': Your pocket? Or wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?

-->'''West:''' Gordon, what's your plan for getting this thing off my neck?
-->'''Gordon:''' Excuse me?
-->'''West:''' Well, that's what you're here for, right? You're the master of this mechanical stuff.
-->'''Gordon:''' -laughs- Oh ho ho, I see. ''Now'' I'm the master of the mechanical ''stuff''. As opposed to five minutes ago, when I was calmly and coolly trying to find a solution to this very problem. But then something happened. Someone, who will remain nameless -- '''[[LargeHam JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIM WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEST!!!]]''' -- decided to jump over the wire, thereby providing us with that exhilarating romp through the cornfield, and that death-defying leap into the abysmal muck! And here we stand, with that demented maniac hurtling towards our President, with our one and only means of transportation, with Rita as his prisoner, armed with God-knows-what machinery of mass destruction, with the simple intention of overthrowing our government and taking over the country!
-->'''West:''' Gordon, I think you need to calm down.
-->'''Gordon:''' I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the Master of the Mechanical STUFF! And I have to help you! You, the master of the '''STUPID STUFF!''' You want your collar off, I'll get it off! I don't have a gun or I'd just shoot it off! Here, in true Jim West style, I'll just bash it with a rock!
-->'''West:''' Gordon--you don't wanna do that.
-->'''Gordon:''' Oh, but I ''do''!

** "She's a breath of [[FreudianSlip fresh ass]]." "...you said ass." "No, I didn't! I said I like having her on board. She's a breast of fresh air." [[DeadpanSnarker "Let's get some shut ass."]]

-->'''Gordon:''' ...oh look. My auxiliary toolkit. I'd forgotten all about it, it must've slipped out of my [[BrickJoke pocket]].
-->'''West:''' Your pocket? Or wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?
-->'''Gordon:''' ...[[AnalProbing that's the first place Loveless would've looked.]]

-->'''Gordon:''' We have training, we have a sense of purpose, and we have the element of surprise! So, what does Loveless have?
-->''They crest the hill to see Loveless City''
-->'''Gordon:''' Well...he has his own city.
-->''Loveless' spider-mecha crests the hill in front of them and stomps over their heads''
-->'''West:''' He has an ''eighty-foot tarantula''.
-->'''Gordon:''' Yes, well...I was coming to that.

-->'''West:''' Now, it seems that we have a bit of a misunderstanding here. [[ThanksForTheMammary When I drummed on that lady's breasts]], I didn't mean any offense. You see, in my native land--
-->'''Redneck:''' Georgia?
-->'''West:''' ''...Africa'', we use drums to communicate. I was just saying "nice party, you look wonderful tonight, that's a lovely dress you're wearing." Obviously, [[BuxomIsBetter with this young lady we could call all the way to New York]]. And as for that redneck comment...that was really a compliment. Let's break it down: First you've got ''red''. That's fire, passion, strength. And as for neck...
-->''Southerners wait expectantly''
-->'''West:''' ...okay, I can't think of anything for neck, but you've got red, and that's something to be proud of. I can see there's only one way for me to make this right. Miss--will you marry me?
-->''Big Breasted Woman gasps''
-->'''West:''' Okay, that's a no. Would it make you feel at all better if I said I thought you were a man?
-->''Big Breasted Woman faints''

-->'''West:''' He has an ''eight-foot tarantula''.

-->'''Gordon:''' I can't be calm! Oh, no, no, no, no, I'm the Master of the Mechanical STUFF! And I have to help you! You, the master of the '''STUPID STUFF!'''

-->'''Gordon:''' We're two US Marshals with training and ingenuity on our side. What does Loveless have? Some men, some weapons--

-->'''West:''' ...his own private city.
-->'''Gordon:''' Yes, well...I was getting to that.

* When they leave Rita at a train station, Gordon watches her through the train window. As the train pulls out, he moves to the next window down to get another glimpse.

** "I learned that from a China man!" ''([[GoodOldFisticuffs Whack]])'' "I just made that up."

-->'''Gordon:''' ...[[AnalProbing that's the first place Loveless would've looked.]]

-->'''Gordon:''' ...oh look. My artillery toolkit. I'd forgotten all about it, it must've slipped out of my [[BrickJoke pocket]].

-->'''West:''' You're pocket? Or wasn't it on some spring-loaded contraption that shoots out your ass?

** "She's a breath of [[FreudianSlip fresh ass]]." "...you said ass." "No, I didn't! I said I like having her on board. She's a breast of fresh air." [[DeadpanSnarker "Let's get some shut ass."]]