History Funny / WhiteCollar

* After Neal reveals the red fiber to be a new (and heavily classified) security fiber from the Canadian hundred dollar bill, he asks Peter how upset they were he knew. Peter responds they were pretty upset. At least, [[CanadaEh as upset as Canadians can get.]]

** This entire episode is a [=CMOF=]. Mozzie gets several good moments, including what is probably the absolute ''best'' use of the phrase, [[IncrediblyLamePun "Drill, Baby, Drill!"]] in television history.

*** The most impressive thing about this moment is the fact that, with just ''one syllable'', Matt Bomer manages to sound deadpan, drugged out, and cocky ''all at the same time!''

-->'''Neal:''' Why is Elizabeth laughing?\\

-->'''Elizabeth:''' Neal, are you okay? Do you need another ice pack?\\

-->'''Neal''': I was expecting more ''Series/MagnumPI'', less ''VideoGame/SuperMario''.

And then later, in "Ice Breaker".

'''Neal:''' ''[smirking like a 7th-grader]'' [[DidYouJustHaveSex Are they...?]]\\

*** Which Peter cures with pickle juice.

'''Neal:''' ''[alternately surprised[=/=]impressed[=/=]amused]'' [[DidYouJustHaveSex Are they...?]]\\

** More than that, Neal was mostly okay with being called untrustworthy (real issues bleeding through), but he was just so hurt when Peter insulted his hats, earnestly insisting that Peter ''loves'' his hats.

* From ''All In:''
--> '''Neal:''' I think I saw the Ark of the Covenant back there.\\

* How Neal excuses himself to the restroom in ''Hard Sell'':

* Neal and Mozzie using what appears to be an Oregon Trail board game to map out their plan for destroying the tape in ''Bad Judgment.''

* Also from ''Bad Judgement'', when talking about taking down the corrupt judge, Peter makes the mistake of saying they will get her disrobed. Neal just grins and raises his eyebrows.

* In ''Vital Signs'', Neal is strapped to a bed and given tranquilizers after he is caught in Dr. Powell's office. When Peter finds him, Neal's still on the bed (singing, no less) even though he freed himself a while ago.

** Also from ''Vital Signs'', while Neal is recovering from the tranquilizers at Peter's house:

** Most of ''Vital Signs'' is hilarious. Mention also goes to the scene early on where Neal shows up unexpectedly at the Burkes' house while they're having breakfast. Elizabeth offers him a cereal bowl, she and Neal both completely ignore Peter's annoyance with him for interrupting breakfast, and then Neal digs around in the cereal box for the free toy--a silver sheriff badge, which he pins onto his suit.

** What makes it even better, near the end of the episode, when they show up to arrest Dr. Powell, Peter holds up his FBI badge--and Neal, with the most adorable grin on his face, holds up his sheriff badge.

* From ''Bottlenecked.'' Hughes walks into Peter's office:

* Also from ''Bottlenecked'', when Neal walks up behind Mozzie (who's making a fake bottle), Mozzie screams at the top of his lungs and nearly stabs Neal with a pair of large tweasers.

* When Neal has to work with Agent Rice in ''Front Man:''

'''{{Beat}}, as Rice gives him a death glare.'''\\

* Diana's conversation with Neal whilst sitting on his lap pretending to be a flirtatious call girl in ''Need to Know''.

'''Diana''': ''[sensually]'' Well... I'd have put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, taken him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs--and told him to shut up and sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation.\\

*** Seen again in ''Forging Bonds'', along with an equally hilarious goatee sported by Mozzie.

** "Hey, do yourself a favor--never try to send a grappling hook through the post office."

* In TheTeaser for ''Copycat Caffrey'', Peter and Neal say that a crime resembles one allegedly committed by someone familiar. Diana doesn't get it, and asks "Who?" Neal gets the dopiest grin on his face as he answers: "Me."

** At one point, Peter has to pretend to be a Detroit mobster. However, he needs an expert in the Detroit mob. Cue Mozzie in the van feeding him his lines.

* In ''By The Book'', Mozzie finally walks into the FBI offices, dumbstruck by the very idea of doing so. What follows is a montage of Mozzie noticing details of all the agents, the office, etc., as a clip from ''The Hall of the Mountain King'' plays.

* Sara losing both bets that she made with Neal and Peter, separately, about what the other one would say in ''Unfinished Business''.
** Also in ''Unfinished Business:''

* From ''Prisoner's Dilemma:''

** Also in ''Burke's Seven'' when Neal is impersonating Larson with a rather limited voice changer.

* In ''Forging Bonds'', a flashback episode, we get to see how Neal met Peter--[[RefugeInAudacity by walking up to him while Peter's telling a woman about Neal's forged bonds,]] fooling him into thinking he's an InnocentBystander looking to protect his bonds, [[VisualPun and then handing Peter a lollipop for a job well done]].
* In ''What Happens in Burma'', Mozzie and Neal are in Neal's apartment, working on a plan to steal back a hard drive using a delayed smoke bomb Mozzie made. The smoke doesn't go off--until Peter drops by. Mozzie has to hide the smoke bomb in his jacket and is standing surreptitiously with smoke casually coming out of it.

* This exchange from ''Countermeasures''.

* Also in ''Countermeasures'', Peter flat out denies Neal's idea of bringing his wife in as part of a "covert interrogation" and he tells Neal to "find another way." Not two seconds later, El's phone rings. What follows is quite possibly one of the funniest scenes in the entire series, by sheer virtue of Peter's facial expressions as he hears Elizabeth accept the dinner invitation.
* Another one from ''Countermeasures'': Neal tells Peter that he remembers names of every cop and crook he's met by using word association; "Joseph ''Dowd'' runs with a bad ''crowd''." Peter jokingly asks if his was "Burke the Jerk", to which Neal doesn't respond. Peter's [[YouHaveGotToBeKiddingMe reaction]], as well as Neal asking what else could fittingly rhyme with Burke, are what make the joke so funny.

** It takes about three seconds for him to realize what Peter just said. The face Neal makes when he finally gets it is priceless.

--> '''Mozzie:''' If something goes wrong, we blame the dog.

--> '''Mozzie:''' You've got the wrong page, we need p.273.

* ''In the Wind:'' Neal has just woken up when James enters his apartment, telling him they need to plan...and then is caught flatfooted as he sees Sara wearing just a short silk robe. It takes James three tries to get her name right.

* In ''Out of the Frying Pan'', Diana's water breaks and Mozzie has to be the one delivering the baby. When a surprised Neal walks in on Diana and Mozzie holding the baby, we get this exchange:

* Mozzie turns out to [[spoiler: have a wife]] How did they meet? They were both running a sweetheart con (where they pose as a wealthy individual and pretend to fall in love with another wealthy individual and quickly get married to steal the other's money) ON EACH OTHER.

** Also, Willie Garson, who plays Mozzie, describes acting and scripts: "It's almost like raising children. You do your best every day, and hope they don't grow up to be an axe murderer."

--> '''Neal:''' I'm gonna go rummage through your drawers and steal your most precious belongings.

* How Neal excuses himself to the restroom in "Hard Sell":

** In the same scene, both FBI agents call their respective CIs for the same advice.

* This exchange from ''Countermeasures.''

* Also in ''Countermeasures,'' Peter flat out denies Neal's idea of bringing his wife in as part of a "covert interrogation" and he tells Neal to "find another way." Not two seconds later, El's phone rings. What follows is quite possibly one of the funniest scenes in the entire series, by sheer virtue of Peter's facial expressions as he hears Elizabeth accept the dinner invitation.

** Mozzie walking in on Neal and Sara making out always makes this troper laugh!

'''Peter:''' This can't be good.\\

'''Diana:''' ''(without looking up)'' Neal, what did I say last time you asked me for a favor?\\

'''Peter:''' ''(coming down the stairs)'' El! You are [[SexGoddess a tigress! A tigress!]] I know when you--\\

'''Neal:''' ''(awkwardly)'' Heyyyy. [[{{Squick}} I'm not hungry anymore...]]

-->'''Neal:''' (about Diana) Harmless flirting. It's like a dance.
-->'''Peter:''' No, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you.
-->'''Neal:''' Um...she digs the hat.
-->'''Peter:''' Um...she'd rather be wearing the hat.

--> '''Neal:''' I think I saw the Ark of the Covenant back there.
--> '''Peter:''' If my face melts, let me know.

-->'''Neal:''' How are you gonna stall him?
-->'''Mozzie:''' [[SarcasmMode With my obvious charm, of course.]]
-->'''Neal:''' Do we have a backup?

-->'''Peter:''' We gotta get you out of these binds.
-->'''Neal:''' Oh, you mean these? (Raises arms and straps fall to the floor) [[FlatWhat What.]]

** No kidding! From the the same scene:
-->'''Peter:''' I cannot ''believe'' you! Why would you do something like this?
-->'''Neal:''' Peter, I've done ''sooo'' many worse things you don't even know about.

-->'''Neal:''' Why is Elizabeth laughing?
-->'''Peter:''' [[BlatantLies No idea.]]

-->'''Elizabeth:''' Neal, are you okay? Do you need another ice pack?
-->'''Peter:''' What about me?
-->'''Elizabeth:''' I think there are some dishes that need to be done, [[ItMakesSenseInContext Mr. Magic-Hands.]]

--> '''Peter:''' ''(as Neal is leaving)'' Neal, remember, ''(points to badge)'' that's not real.
--> '''Neal:''' ''(mischievous laugh, walks out)''

--> '''Peter:''' This can't be good.
--> '''Hughes:''' Why does everyone say that when I walk into their office?
--> '''Peter:''' So you ''have'' good news?
--> '''Hughes:''' No.

-->'''Neal''': Overreact much? What were you going to do with tweasers?
-->'''Mozzie''': The shinobi ninja can make a weapon from anything.
-->'''Neal''': You're not a ninja
-->'''Mozzie''': Exactly what I want you to think

-->'''Rice:''' Y'know, you kept me waiting outside that rich lady's house for half an hour.
-->'''Neal:''' You can't rush style, Agent Rice.
-->'''Rice:''' Took me less time to get ready for my wedding. ''(Neal gives her a funny look)'' It didn't take.
-->'''Neal:''' I'm not surprised.
-->'''{{Beat}}, as Rice gives him a death glare.'''
-->'''Neal:''' Statistically speaking.

'''Diana''': Not a daaamn thing. ''(smiling)''\\

'''Diana''': ''(sensually)'' Well... I'd have put this strawberry in that guy's mouth, taken him up to my room, put a gun between his ribs--and told him to shut up and sit tight, or I'd arrest him for solicitation.\\
'''Neal''': ''(swallowing a bit of strawberry)'' [[{{fetish}} That is really sexy.]]\\

-->'''Mozzie:''' "Or I'll start with your thumbs!"
-->'''Peter:''' Or I'll ''start'' with your ''thumbs.''

--> '''Elizabeth: *hangs up phone*''' Now it's the Burke's Seven.

-->'''Peter:''' What're you guys doin'?
-->'''Mozzie:''' [[BlatantLies Discussing Hegel and his rational realism.]] You?
-->'''Peter''': Casual stroll. You're smoking.
-->'''Mozzie''': It's a smoking jacket.

-->'''Neal:''' I need a favor.
-->'''Diana:''' ''(without looking up)'' Neal, what did I say last time you asked me for a favor?
-->'''Neal:''' I should think long and hard before trying to pull anything over on you.
-->'''Diana:''' And?
-->'''Neal:''' And that if I ever ''did'' try, you'd break one or both of my arms.
-->'''Diana:''' You know I hate to repeat myself.

--> '''Jones:''' ''(to Peter)'' Oh, don't you hate it when Peter makes you get coffee?
--> '''Peter:''' You're getting me mocha chai lattes for the rest of the ''month.''
--> '''Diana:''' Hey, boss. Why is ''Neal'' in your office?
--> '''Jones:''' Neal is posing as Peter so a witness will tell us about an energy collusion scam.
--> '''Diana:''' ''Awesome!'' I'm going in!

''({{Beat}})''\\

-->'''Elizabeth:''' Honey, do you want to grab some mirrors and go play with Neal?
--> '''Peter:''' ''(big grin)'' Yes!

--> '''Savannah:''' ''(pointing at Neal)'' Who's he?\\

'''Savannah:''' I have an anklet. Wanna see? ''(shows Peter her anklet)''\\

'''Peter:''' It's part of a federal work release program where...''(trails off)'' er....I gave it to him. It's so I don't lose him.\\

--> '''Diana:''' So I'll be at the absolute beck and call of my ''tough new boss?'' ''(casts a side glance at Neal, who laughs.)''
--> '''Peter:''' What's funny?
--> '''Neal:''' Nothing, no... ''(to Diana)'' If you ever need any advice...

--> '''Mozzie:''' You touch anything and you'll be hearing from my lawyer.
--> '''Jones:''' You ''are'' your lawyer.
--> '''Mozzie:''' Scared?
--> '''Jones:''' ''(deadpan)'' Ooh.

* ''Veiled Threat:'' Sara (leaning on Neal's shoulder with a goofy grin as they watch Peter "propose" to a suspected murderer from behind a two-way mirror): "Best. Date. Ever."

--> '''Sara:''' Can Peter draw?
--> '''Neal:''' Unless she's expecting a breathtaking stick figure, he's in trouble.

--->'''Chad:''' Have you ever had a hundred grand between your legs?
--->'''Neal:''' Actually, yes, I have. I--
--->'''Peter:''' Don't. No.

-->'''Mozzie:''' I sense good in him.
-->'''Neal:''' Oh do you, Qui-Gon Jinn?

-->'''Mozzie:''' ''(over the phone)'' Neal, [[NotNowKiddo this isn't a great time]].\\

''(Camera pans over, revealing Sally in bed stroking Mozzie's chest)''\\
'''Mozzie:''' ...hang on. (''cut to FBI office, where they hear:'') Do you see my glasses?\\

''(Shocked reactions all around)''\\

'''Neal:''' ''(alternately surprised[=/=]impressed[=/=]amused)'' [[DidYouJustHaveSex Are they...?]]\\
'''Peter:''' ''(mildly disgusted)'' I think...they are...\\

-->'''Neal:''' ''(about staying in the surveillance van)'' I'm just saying I'd rather pound my thumb with a hammer.
-->'''Jones:''' I'll do it.
-->'''Diana:''' Pound his thumb?

-->'''Mozzie:''' For what it's worth, I'm really sorry about Sara. She has an infectious joie de vivre. ''And'' she looks terrific in pants-suits.
-->'''Neal:''' Promise me you'll never speak at my funeral.

-->'''Neal:''' I was an admiral. Royal Navy.
-->'''Peter:''' I did not hear that. Nobody heard that. Pencils down. Don't write that.

--> '''Peter:''' I guess the Bureau can live without an MZGSM scanner for a few hours.
--> '''Elizabeth:''' Ohh, sexy tech-talk, ''Inspector Gadget''...
--> '''Peter:''' You like?
--> '''Elizabeth: (seductively)''' Yeahhh.
--> '''Peter:''' Well, if I'm late tonight, I'm probably dealing with a wireless [=XD5=] Intel motherboard thingy problem.

--> '''Peter:''' This entire weekend, assume I do not exist. Don't e-mail me, don't call me--
--> '''Diana:''' Don't even think about calling you--
--> '''Jones:''' Don't even think about thinking about calling you--
--> '''Peter:''' Unless someone dies, or Neal does something big. And maybe not even if someone dies.

--> '''Peter:''' Keep an eye on Neal.
--> '''Diana:''' Sure thing, Dr. Huxtable.

-->'''Diana:''' Are you going to intervene?
-->'''Sara:''' No, no I'm only concerned with one instrument, not watching them swing theirs.

--> '''Elizabeth:''' You're awfully chipper today.
--> '''Neal:''' So are you.
--> ''(Elizabeth grins to herself.)''
--> '''Peter:''' ''(coming down the stairs)'' El! You are a tigress! A tigress! I know when you-- ''(enters the room and sees Neal is there, abruptly changes the subject)'' --hey, Neal. Grab some breakfast?
--> '''Neal:''' ''(awkwardly)'' Heyyyy. [[DidYouJustHaveSex I'm not hungry anymore...]]

--> '''Mozzie:''' Behind every worst case scenario is a ''worse'' worst case scenario.
--> '''Neal:''' Isn't there a child whose balloon you have to pop somewhere?

-->'''Peter:''' What about his regular bartender?
-->'''Mozzie:''' Oh, he ''may'' have won an all-expense-paid dream vacation that takes place the day of the party.
-->'''Peter:''' Could work, but he's not gonna hire me because of my pretty face.
-->'''Mozzie:''' *{{beat}}* [[StealthInsult No.]]

--> '''Neal:''' Neal Armstrong?
--> '''Peter:''' ...Arms. All those prosthetics in the evidence warehouse. At least it's better than Neal Hand...le...man.
--> '''Neal:''' No, it's not. I like Neal Handleman.
--> '''Peter:''' Should have gone with Eisenhower (Eyes-en-hower).
--> '''Neal:''' (Abruptly turns and walks away)
--> '''Peter:''' That would've been good.

-->'''Mozzie:''' Y'know, whiskey comes from a Gaelic word--
-->'''Neal:''' ''(giggles)''
-->'''Mozzie:''' What?
-->'''Neal:''' You said Gaelic...
-->'''Mozzie:''' --a Gaelic word meaning "water of life." ''Now'' I understand that.
-->'''Neal:''' Yeah, and tomorrow morning we are gonna find that name painfully ironic.

-->'''Mozzie:''' I'm aiding and abetting the fuzz, and ''I'm'' the one in manacles?
-->'''Neal:''' You ran five consecutive red lights.

--> '''Peter:''' Like that ice diamond you sold.
--> '''Neal:''' ''(smiles and nods)'' No.

* Neal completely pwning the museum curator with a lesson in [[ItMakesSenseInContext chicken sexing]] that he pulls the heck out of ''nowhere,'' and then [[SugarWiki/MomentOfAwesome brilliantly ties back in to his explanation about how he knows the piece of art on display is a forgery.]]

** Doubles as a CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming. Peter wouldn't accept the tickets from Neal, who had originally given them to him as an attempt to get back on his good side. By the end of the episode, Neal genuinely ''wants'' Peter to have the tickets, so he gives them to Jones, knowing the first thing Jones will do is invite Peter.

** It's also [[CrowningMomentOfHeartwarming heartwarming:]] Mozzie was offering to ''donate his organs'' to Peter.

* Neal completely pwning the museum curator with a lesson in [[ItMakesSenseInContext chicken sexing]] that he pulls the heck out of ''nowhere,'' and then [[CrowningMomentOfAwesome brilliantly ties back in to his explanation about how he knows the piece of art on display is a forgery.]]

'''Neal''': ''(swallowing a bit of strawberry)'' [[FetishFuel That is really sexy.]]\\